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Posts by Vns9x
Name: Shon Do
Joined: Sep 23, 2014
Last Post: Jul 5, 2015
Threads: 102
Posts: 230  
From: Russia
School: Gymnaisym 123

Displayed posts: 332 / page 2 of 9
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Vns9x   
Feb 18, 2015
Writing Feedback / Everything has two sides and Gasoline cars are not an exception. [3]

Everything has two sides and Gasoline cars are not an exception. In the last decade`s, it seemed like the most normal way of transportation people, but nowadays many people criticize it.

1.This introduction does not contain your voice.
2. Some examples from you would definitely strengthen your arguments
Vns9x   
Feb 17, 2015
Writing Feedback / Education and its statistics. Breakdown information of the entrance in different Technology Colleges [2]

Three graphs provide a breakdown information of the enrollment in different colleges in the Higher Colleges of Technology, in 1999. The pie chart is measured in percentage.

It is noticeable that Dubai Men's and women's took the second and the first place, whereas certificate was favored in the rest of two graphs.

Regarding to the first graph, Dubai women and men had the highest number of people, which are 547 and 426. Both genders of Abu Dhabi managed to reach to 273 for male and 218 for female. In the meantime , Al Ain women almost doubled its males, with its 218. The leftover three candidates, such as female of Ras Al Khalnan and both sexes of Shapjah had an insignificant gap, they were all roughly 170, except Khaimah men with 102.

[...]



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Vns9x   
Feb 16, 2015
Writing Feedback / Managing money from the early age - saving money makes prestige for children. IELTS [2]

My father always says to me that spend your money for lousier activities. Though, words cannot express my gratitude for his role in my life, I have different viewpoint with him. As far as I am concerned, not only the children should be noticed with financial issues, but also do they should imitate ways of saving money from successful ones.

TOEFL introduction is a little bit more straightforward and less flowery. It must include the upcoming reasons, which will appear in the body paragraphs. So that, the reader knows what to actually expect from your essay!

Your opinion should also be included in your conclusion. Basically, just rephrase your opinion at the end of your essay one more time.
Vns9x   
Feb 16, 2015
Writing Feedback / Both artists and scientists have immensely underpinned our society, since they first emerged. IELTS [2]

It is generally agreed that society benefits from the work of its members.
Compare the contributions of artists to society with the contributions of scientists to society.
Which type of contribution do you think is valued more by your society? Give specific reasons to support your answer.
You should write at least 250 words.

Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Both artists and scientists have immensely underpinned our society, since they first emerged. Thanks to scientists, we now have numerous technologies and medicines that can almost solve any issue for us. Along with the scientists' helps, the artists make our life vibrant and buoyant. Notwithstanding, our society tends to bias towards the scientists because they provide us with some tangible benefits. Unlike artists, who are not favored since people need to have a survival first before amusing.

[...]
Vns9x   
Feb 16, 2015
Writing Feedback / People should travel inside their country first - for easy deal with the locals and familiarity gain [7]

Well, if the prompt is asking you to discuss, then you should not have written your opinion. The content and ideas are fabulous.
Attempt to write in second person! This can be done by surrogating I with you.

In addition, Over the past few decades, the number of people travelling overseas and within their own country has been significantly increasing. Currently, some people argue that youngsters should travel to international destinations before exploring their home town(why? do not forget to finalize your thought). While the knowledge of totally different culture is associated in roaming internationally, there are other benefits to put home country as their first journey.
Vns9x   
Feb 16, 2015
Writing Feedback / Female and male and their ages; which group watch TV more? IELTS task 1 [2]

Two charts provide a breakdown information of TV programs watched by two genders and four different age groups, which are female, male and the ages are, 16 to 24, 25 to 34 and 45 and older. This measured in percentage. If analyzed, female takes the first place, regarding the reality shows, while 45 and older wins the first place of game shows.

Female peaks at 70 percent, if the story is about the reality shows, this value is huger than the male's one for over 30 percent. Group of ages has a different story, at first, from 16 to 24 has approximately 50 percent. The older the group the bigger the percent. The consecutive gap between all ages is about 3 percent. As a result, 45 and older reaches close to 70 percent.

When it comes to the game shows, both female and male record as roughly 60 percent. Two groups, which are 16 to 24 and 45 and older have the highest percent of viewers, as for group of ages. 16 to 24 has 50 percent, in the meantime, 45 plus has 70 percent. Alongside them, 25 to 34 and 35 to 44 share the almost identical story, with their approximately 40 percent respectively.



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Vns9x   
Feb 16, 2015
Writing Feedback / People should travel inside their country first - for easy deal with the locals and familiarity gain [7]

You are being asked to give your opinion of whether you agree or not!
The prompt is also asking if you believe that travelling abroad broadens your horizon.
Thus, your first body paragraph is completely deviated from the topic.
I might be mistaken, since i consider the prompt to be the headline of your thread.
It is said that travel broadens the mind. What can we learn by travelling to other countries? Ag/Dis
Vns9x   
Feb 16, 2015
Writing Feedback / Playing games is fun only when you win. (No. The game always gives you incredible things in life.) [2]

Playing game is a way to take away stresses , exercise, and improve your skill. However, some people agree that winning of playing games give them abolutely ? you mean absolutely? fun and others say that they play games not only for win bu t also for fun.

One of the First thing to note Firstly is sufficent, the cheerful on the games is not based on the result. But the process alo ng do not cut down your thought this way! time playing games. No matter win or lose, people who enjoy play games would learn new things everytime they play. For instance, once somebody lose on a game they probably repeat the same mistake. It gives new experiences.
Vns9x   
Feb 15, 2015
Writing Feedback / Television and its powerful influences; can simultaneously benefit and ruin our cultural development [3]

Television has had a significant influence on the culture of many societies. To what extent would you say that television has positively or negatively affected the cultural development of your society?

- You should write at least 250 words.
- Allow yourself 40 minutes for this task.

Television has always been the tool, which can easily influence many societies. It is perfectly understandable, since most of the people these days tend to watch TV 6 hours a day. This can either influence horribly on our society or positively on our cultural development. For example, television can broaden our people's horizon by rendering lots of knowledge of any aspects. On the contrary, it can impart us with some noxious knowledge. Therefore, I am personally convinced that television can simultaneously benefit and ruin our cultural development.

There are numerous channels on our TV. Each of them has its own benefits. Those benefits can help our people to be more knowledgeable, because knowledge is never a waste. For pragmatic instance, I, as a worker who has a tendency to watch Animal planet a lot, can have a huge benefit. Animal planet allows me to understand about the animal's life a little bit more. This also applies to other individuals, who watch TV. As a result, television can truly strengthen our people as well as our society.

Aside from its pros, television can convey us with pointless information such as drugs, horrible celebrities and others. This might affect negatively to our society and the people, who live in it. I can recall myself, having a friend, who used to worship a certain celebrity through the TV. This celebrity, ironically, was into drugs and sex abuse. My friend, who used to be a nice guy tried to turn himself into the guy, who he used to worship. After two years, his personality completely altered in a negative way. He began to smoke and did some inappropriate things in front of the police. Hence, television also impacts terribly on our culture.

The aforesaid evidence shows that television, as a utility for spreading information, can harm and advocate our cultural development. Taking all the points into account, I believe that it is still uncertain, whether television spoils or supports our culture more.
Vns9x   
Feb 15, 2015
Writing Feedback / The birth of computer and its fast paced development could influence our lives in different ways. [3]

Many engineering software products such as Solidworks, Matlab, AutoCAD, and the like are extensively employed in design, so we can undoubtedly say that without computers none of the modern flying metal objects and automobiles could be manufactured.

This sentence is quite lengthy! You should have decoupled it!
The positive effects of computer on different industries and education have made even the most pessimistic people to confess that the advent of computer has made the world a more liveable place. Its benefits have even made the skeptics to confess that they were erroneous.

Therefore, I also believe that computers are powerful tools helping countries to thrive socially, educationally and industrially.
Vns9x   
Feb 15, 2015
Writing Feedback / Why museums are visited by tourists more than locals? [2]

This essay, therefore, is in identifying the main causes of the latter issue and finding ways to motivate local individuals attend museums. I would advise you to omit this sentence( I used to utilize the same transition and it did not go well).

he/she= one
etc. Attempt to restrain yourself from using this type of abbreviation!
give locals incentive= incentivise locals
Vns9x   
Feb 14, 2015
Writing Feedback / Japan was the leader when it comes annual income and life expectancy - IELTS table [2]

The table provides a breakdown information of social and economic indicators for four countries which are Canada, Japan, Peru and Zaire, in 1994. If analyzed, the data suggests that Japan was the leader when it comes annual income and life expectancy, whereas Canada took the first place of daily calories per person. In addition, Japan and Canada both had the same and the highest adult literacy rate.

The annual income of Japan in 1994 stood at 15760 $, while this value was huger than Canada's one for almost 4000 $. The life expectancy, however, both had an insignificant gap, Japan's life expectancy at birth was 78 and Canada was less than 2 years. Canada managed to surpass the daily calories per person in Japan which was 2846, with its 3326. This two under review country had the same Adult literacy rate which was 99 percent.

Another two countries had the opposite story, the annual income of Peru was 160, whilst Zaire had only 130. The life expectancy at birth in these two countries which are Peru and Zaire were quite low, 51 and 47 only. The daily calorie supply per person of two countries were also terrifying, Peru was recorded as 1927 and Zaire even worse, which is 1749. It seemed like Peru's adult literacy rate equaled to two Zaire combined, which was 68 percent.

Indicators Canada Japan Peru Zaire
Annual income per person (in $US) 11100 15760 160 130
Life expectancy at birth 76 78 51 47
Daily calorie supply per person 3326 2846 1927 1749
Adult literacy rate (%) 99 99 68 34

Please provide me with some useful advice!
Vns9x   
Feb 14, 2015
Writing Feedback / The global issues about taking job or traveling than go to university directly IELTS TASK 2 [2]

that makes a sense ( i have no clues whether this beginning will work, but i would recommend you to start off you essay another way), when everyone believe that go to work or go travel is better for the youth than just end their time on the desk and chair inside their school building. Admittedly, the youth can reach so many kinds of experiences by go out from the school, see a lot of things around the world when they go to travel and feel the hardest part that he/she will face in the future as a mature to earn money for living by trying to take a job earlier.

Admittedly, the youth can reach so many kinds of experiences by go out from the school, see a lot of things around the world when they go to travel and feel the hardest part that he/she will face in the future as a mature to earn money for living by trying to take a job earlier.

This sentence is incredibly bulky. Let us give a try, By entering the outside world, one will have the opportunity to gain more knowledge and taste the real difficulties.

In the other hand? On the other hand, on one hand
Keep up the efforts !
Vns9x   
Feb 14, 2015
Writing Feedback / Manufactured products reached a peak just under 45 mln, whilst others deteriorated dramatically [2]

Your essay needs some works.
1. Your introduction should not contain any specific information such as Manufactured products 23-34 mln, Timber 14-25 mln
2.ourism from 27% to 54%, Other this sounds quaint, there are many words that you can apply in this situation. For example, whilst, in the meantime, while, at the same time, simultaneously e.t.c from 11% to 13%.

And another thing, you should have written the overall trend in your introduction.
Keep up the good work!
Hopefully, it will benefit your next essay!
Vns9x   
Feb 14, 2015
Writing Feedback / The benefits of living in the contemporary world! We used to squander hours on preparing our foods. [2]

Nowadays, food has become easier to prepare. Has this change improved the way people live?

Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.


Foods used to be an issue for people, since our people did not know, how to correctly cultivate or herd back then. Notwithstanding, now, we do not have to experience that problem any longer, because we now are quite erudite when it comes to foods. In fact, we can prepare our meals promptly. This phenomena helps our society expedite, and it can make us more salubrious.

We as human beings used to squander hours on preparing our foods. This engendered numerous troubles for us, such as being late to work or missing some memorable events. Nowadays, we can reduce the time of food preparation, which can be really convenient. For pragmatic instance, me , as a worker, tended to arrive late to work because of the foods, many years ago. Obviously, now, when I have a plenty amount of fast foods in my fridge, I will have more time for myself and works. This also applies to many other individuals. As a result, foods' these days have advocated us immensely.

Aside from the aforesaid benefit, when we do not have to waste much time on preparing foods. We will have more to cook other helpful meals. This can bolster our physical condition. Even though, it does not always work for every person, since one might decide to consume potato chips. However, the vast majority of people yearns to possess a healthy life, and thus, only minority begin to eat unnecessary foods, after the advent this phenomenon. Envision yourself, having more time after the preparation. This might possibly force you to cook more, since you used to allot an ample time to your foods. Therefore, our current preparation time definitely underpins our health.

The aforementioned reasons insinuate, that our swift preparation has contributed a lot to our society. Without it, we would never be able to be this healthy and productive, which are what we are struggling for.
Vns9x   
Feb 14, 2015
Writing Feedback / Each year the university managers allocate the budget among different activities at the school [3]

In addition paying attention to sport activities at university can make students very healthy in this way they will have a lot of energy to act very well at the society. It is quite futile.

so that is why??maybe just a simple Therefore?
A Controversial question which often raised regarding this idea is whether they should spend equal financial support to social activities and sports as classes and libraries? This sentence should be the first one in your introduction.
Vns9x   
Feb 14, 2015
Writing Feedback / Obesity in modern society - people are lacking a healthy diet and getting fatter. IELTS [2]

Buddy, you will definitely be able to exceed your band 5 in writing. Anyways, here are some suggestions for you!

Nowadays, it is no doubt that people are lacking a healthy diet and getting fatter. This situation is not only happening to adults but also to children. Over the past few years, obesity has become a serious problem, and it is important to take some steps to decrease the overweight rates.This essay will look into the main causes of the issue and propose some solutions. i would advise you to omit this sentence.

products. Because of the increased prices, attempt to finalize your thought, do not decouple your sentence.
Hopefully, it was lucrative for you!
Vns9x   
Feb 13, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS: The first diagram exhibits the way the structure produces its electricity [2]

Two diagrams provide the breakdown information of the structure that produces electricity from wave power. The structure consists of chamber, turbine and two columns with some supports from the sea wall and wave.

The first diagram exhibits the way the structure produces its electricity is by having a wave as the source to create the air. Once the air is generated, it will force the turbine to spin clockwise. Not to mention that both columns and cliff or sea wall will assure that the air will breeze the turbine. Thus, that is the first way of creating electricity

Shifting to the second diagram, its features obviously identical to the first method, which are columns, cliff or sea wall and turbine, nevertheless, chamber. This time, the wave will retreat, and therefore, it will engender the turbine to spin clockwise as well, because of the wind that go from up to down. Notwithstanding, the turbine will still be revolving and making electricity.



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Vns9x   
Feb 13, 2015
Writing Feedback / Choosing between public transportation or electric car, reduce the emissions of CO2 [5]

few budget to be implemented. It is imperative to the governments to think clearly what is the best for their country to solve the problem. This sounds better.

The number of private cars is primer causes of global warming(why?). Some citizens believe that the governments are better to increase the development of public transportation (why?), while others believe the invention of electric car may help to solve the problem(why?). I would argue that this has both positive and negative implications. It is quite pivotal for you to finalize your thought properly, since it can affect on your score.
Vns9x   
Feb 13, 2015
Writing Feedback / Worst criminals in our society. Murderers and their destiny! IELTS task 2 [2]

By punishing murderers with the death penalty, society is also guilt of committing murder. Therefore, life in prison is a better punishment for murderers.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?


Murderers have always been the worst criminals in our society. They should be punished austerely, otherwise the number of murderers will increase. By providing the death penalty for murderers, our society will be more placid to live in, and that is what we are struggling for. Thus, I absolutely disagree that murderers should sit in the prison, in lieu of being dead.

[...]
Vns9x   
Feb 13, 2015
Writing Feedback / As the day goes by, the increasing of crime rate has never been stopped [2]

Along with this new condition, gradually Police can be a good figure for the society, be a hero for the teens, while it can be more easily to give the advices in order to prevent the crime in the future. This sentence is too lengthy, attempt to cut off and be more laconic.

As the day goes by, the increasing of crime rate has never been stopped, moreover has grown to be worse and worse along with the born of new kinds of criminality. This also has the same issue. what is the point to write Firstly and lastly??
Vns9x   
Feb 12, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1; Employment patterns of females and males in Britain! [2]

The two pie charts provide a breakdown information of the employment patterns of Great Britain, in 1992. Both charts were measured in percentage. If analyzed, the data suggest that male superior than women when it comes to Managerial and Professional and Craft or similar, while the woman had an advantage of General laborers, Clerical or related, other non-manual and manual.

When it comes to males in 1992, specifically, Managerial and Professional, they possessed 36 percent, whereas this value is higher than a woman's one for 7 percent. Clerical or related had another story, the opposite gender of male experienced 31 percent, but the male had only 6 percent. Other manual had the same story, women were recorded 27%, and this is 1 percent higher than a male's one. Both genders which are female and male, stood at 9 percent and 6 percent, when it comes Other non-manual. Male totally vanquished females if the story was about Craft or similar and General laborers, since a male had 24 percent and 2 percent, whilst the opposite sex had only 3 percent and 1 percent respectively.



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Vns9x   
Feb 12, 2015
Scholarship / My name is Yunike, it comes from English word "unique" - KGSP Scholarship Self Intro for Global MBA [2]

My name is Yunike Hiufanny. "Yunike" comes from English word, "unique". I used to hate it when I was a kid as it was uncommon name. Not until, I was in middle school when I found out what my name means. From the dictionary you would find it as "being the only one of its kind; unlike anything else". I wish I could live up to my name and I will make it true.

make a living here
Taking chances of going to study abroad while having a steady job and good position is not a popular choice. People often find it hard to leave what they have been built j

This experience helps me to become more focus to my study and career despite of a bit of homesickness I would feel at night. My college friends help me to overcome it and together with them I feel happy. I enjoy traveling to small islands or outskirt city with my friends. I guess fresh air and beautiful view helps me to release my tense after work and studying.

All these sentences should be in past simple presumably.

guarantee=warrant Utilize this new word next to enrich your vocabulary
Vns9x   
Feb 12, 2015
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Big outdoor public space is necessary for all cities and towns, agree or disagree? [2]

Your writing skills is far better than mine, but I still want to point out something that I reckon to be necessary for your next essay. Take it with a grain of salt.

1. The outdoor public space, such as parks and squares, is an integral part of city and urban dweller's life, whose own prevalent presence speaks for its own significance. While, this sentence insinuates that you agree with the statement, but I would prefer you to be more specific. Basically, attempt to straightforwardly tell the rater that you actually agree. This can be done by utilizing the conventional method which is I am personally persuaded, I have a robust belief or I absolutely agree e.t.c

2. I am pretty sure, you are capable of improvising some examples. Let's say in your first body paragraph, you could have written that your dad tends to go to the park to inhale fresh air after a day of working hard. This also applies to the rest of your arguments!

Peace out!
Vns9x   
Feb 12, 2015
Writing Feedback / Children these days are not getting the social and emotional learning they need; children and crimes [2]

Recent figures show an increase in violent crime among youngsters under the age of 18. Some psychologists claim that the basic reason for this is that children these days are not getting the social and emotional learning they need from parents and teachers.

To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?
Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Young people under the age of eighteen, these days, often commit lots of crimes. It is perfectly understandable, since people who live in this contemporary society such as their parents tend to be tied up all the time, and thus, they do not have a sufficient amount of time to take care of offspring. Teachers also contribute to this phenomenon, because some of them have a penchant for slugging during their job time. Therefore, I absolutely consent with the community which asserts that this phenomena is engendered due to the lack of attention of parents and teachers.

In this busy world, everything should be finalized promptly and efficiently, time is money. This can cause a significant impact on the child's behavior, since one yearns to obtain at least some attention from their parents, and parents sometimes are just too busy to satisfy their child's demand. For pragmatic instance, I used to have a friend whose parents were merchants and they usually worked abroad, because it was almost impossible for them to earn numerous profits in our country. So, there was a day, when my friend could not suppress his desire which is to talk face-to-face with his parents. He began to rob people in order to get caught to attract some attention from his parents. As a result, parents' attention is imperative for any kid's life.

Aside from parents' common mistake, teachers, especially in our country tend to be way too warm-hearted. They do not fulfill their duty at some extent which is to educate children properly. It does not always apply to every teacher on this planet, but some individuals act this way. I can recall myself, when I was an ingenuous kid. There was a classmate of mine, whose habit or hobby was to snitch somebody's item. At first, the teacher did not pay attention to his action, because she believed that, eventually, he would become a better person. Unfortunately, it did not go well as she had planned. After two years, that guy went to jail due to his innate habit. Hence, some teachers do underpin this phenomena.

Consequently, teacher and parents can substantially affect on the child's behavior. Taking all the points into account, I have a robust belief that nowadays, both parents and teachers spoil young generation's behavior.
Vns9x   
Feb 12, 2015
Writing Feedback / Learning a foreign language will encourage the curiosity of children [4]

The first-grade children have to learn a language outside their own country. I personally believe that this situation has more positive than negative effects. This introduction needs some serious works. Let us give a try, Languages have always been an arduous subject for many individuals, since they require you to allot an ample time to them. However, this process can be facilitated by beginning to learn a new language at the early age, because kids tend to comprehend information swifter than adults do. Therefore, i completely advocate the community which asserts that commencing to learn a language in the early stage of our life is the best option.
Vns9x   
Feb 12, 2015
Writing Feedback / 'Overall, all three museums had an upward trend' - Museums and its attenders. IELTS task 1 [NEW]

The line graph provides a breakdown of information in terms of thousands of numbers of visitors per month in summer 2013 who visit British museum, science museum and natural history museum, from June to September.

Overall, all three museums had an upward trend.

When it comes to Natural history museum and science museum, they both declined from June to July to 380 thousands and 350 thousands respectively. While the British museum sharply increased to roughly 700 thousands. The later period which is from July till august, the British museum and science museum share each other fates, by decreasing their thousands for more than 200 thousands and approximately 50 thousands. In Sharp contrast to this, natural history museum remained constant at roughly 380 thousands. At the end which is from august to September, all three tourist attractions rose simultaneously, as British museum increased its thousands for almost 100, in the meantime, Natural museum and science museum reached about 470 thousands relatively.



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Vns9x   
Feb 11, 2015
Writing Feedback / Starting earlier, you will encounter more types of sentence structures, grammars and vocabulary [3]

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Children should begin learning a foreign language as soon as they start school.
Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion.


Learning a new language has always been arduous for many individuals. The vast majority of them, usually starts comprehending another language, when their childhood have already said goodbye to them, and thus, beginning to learn a language as soon as possible is the best option, since it can reduce your accent and solidify your language foundation. Therefore, I am personally convinced that children should start experiencing a new language, when their formal education starts off.

An abundance of people finds it difficult to learn, for example, English language. It is perfectly understandable, since most of them did not have the opportunity to learn it, when they were young. As you become older, your tongue gradually adjusts to the language that you utilize most of the time. The only way for you to thwart that from happening, is to learn a new language in the beginning of your life. For pragmatic instance, I have an elder brother and a younger brother. They both began learning English at different age, specifically, the elder one from eighteen and the younger one from six. After five years of practicing English, my younger brother managed to possess the American accent, while the elder was no way near that wonderful accent. As a corollary, the sooner you start, the better it is going to become.

Aside from the accent, you can also strengthen your English or any other language foundations, since, by starting earlier, you will encounter more types of sentence structures, grammars and vocabulary. This can advocate you to articulate more like a native speaker. It does not always apply to every single human being because numerous individuals tend to never put any efforts into their subjects, when they are young, notwithstanding they will still be better than those who start learning a language later, when it comes the accent. Envision yourself, being a lucky kid with lots of chances of studying English, apparently, sooner or later you will surpass other typical kids because you have a better understanding of English. Hence, it is imperative to urge your child to study any language right in the beginning of his education time.

Consequently, the benefits of commencing to study a language, when you are young and ingenuous are enormous. Taking all the points into account, I have a robust belief that start doing anything early in this life is lucrative, including languages.
Vns9x   
Feb 11, 2015
Undergraduate / Everything started from computer for my eldest brother - My Devotion to technology [2]

Hi, I came recently to the U.S to live (6 months ago) and is really hard to be in your last year of high school and struggle with college, the languague, the weather and other things.

Well, I need help with my essay, pleaseeee. I'm horrible at writing but I really wanna get into this college, and my essay needs to be done.

I know is not well organized and doesn't have a conclus ion, but please give me advice , what I did good, what I did wrong. It is a good essay? please be honest and specific of what I need to fix. Thank you!!!

How can I connect the paragraph 3 with the rest of the essay?
Everything started that day, when my dad came home with a computer that he had purchased for my eldest brother. Once my brother opened it was love of first sight, I knew it because I immediately felt a huge curiosity for what I was looking at . That computer left me fascinated about all those things it could do at the same time, it was like having your own world where you could do whatever you wanted , where you have the control over all. From that specific moment, computer technology have always caught my interest. I wanted, and I still want to know everything about it; how it works, how it's built; every specific step in the process of make one.
Vns9x   
Feb 11, 2015
Writing Feedback / A typical day of the underground station, rush hours in London train station - IELTS task 1 [2]

The line graph provides a breakdown information in term of the number of people who rely on London Underground station on a typical day.

If analyzed, the data show that there is always a significant rise of people in the early morning as well as in the mid evening.

Initially, the number of people stands at 100 at six o'clock. After 2 hours, this figure peaks to 400 people, while this value is huger than the number of people at 10 o'clock for almost 200, with a slight increase from 10 o clock to 14 o clock. The value plummets after 14 o clock to roughly 100 people at 16:00. Subsequently, the story almost repeats itself as the beginning, since at 18:00, there is approximately 400 people and then, the number dropped to close to 100 people at 20:00. The story ends with some insubstantial fluctuations up and down during 20:00 to 22:00.

The data suggest that the rush hours of London station are at 8 o clock in the morning and at 6pm.



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