Writing Feedback / IELTS>criminal trials in law court are telecasted on Television for public [5]


.... This is a pretty confusing hook :(


Your prompt does not talk about broadcasting from court and therefore do not narrow down the scope of your prompt. Your introduction should introduce the topic it is original sense to the reader. That's important.


Again, this is not what they expect you as the opinion. They ask you -


You need to answer this question.

Undergraduate / Soccer, surgery, unable to play; USAFA- setback or ethical dilemma [2]

It was one of the deepest feelings of failure that I have ever experienced. This was not the type of failure you come across when unpreparedly taking a quiz un prepared or in being picked last for a sports team during gym class.

I feel the latter part better be removed. Also, I wish if you adopted a more objective approach for answering this prompt. Rather than talking about situations that you didn't go through, I feel it is better that you talked about your experience with failure. So, I find most of the parts of your first paragraph are unnecessary and do not contribute much for you to come up with a strong answer for this prompt.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: The brief summary of healthcare and life expectancy [3]


You do not introduce your topic adequately. Your topic is;


In your introduction you do not talk anything about life expectancy which is an important aspect of this graphical presentation. You can take lots of help from the topic title for constructing the introduction. It does not mean that you should repeat every word of it, but you can certainly re-phrase it with your own words.

After the intro, you better have a paragraph to give an overview of overall presentation. That means you should discuss the most obvious trends there, but very very briefly. For example;

According to the graph and the table, the highest average life expectancy is recorded from Japan, while the lowest is recorded by the US. However, the records show that USA has spent the highest amount on healthcare.

Now you can start discussing the details :)

Letters / 'I have visited Finland twice' - STUDY PLAN - Aalto University [4]


I find this sentence too long and not flowing smoothly.
Though short, I have made two visits to Finland and they inspired me to do my masters in Finland. I'm keen on having enrolled at Aalto University School of Arts, Design and Architecture because Aslto University offers Collaborative and Industrial Design major in one of its Masters Programs.


However, I am keen on expanding my knowledge further and continue my postgraduate studies at Aalto Universiy

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: farming methods [7]


It's not agriculture that changes rapidly (that is not what your prompt means. It is the farming methods that change rapidly due to heavy use of technology. Always stay with your prompt and do not deviate from what it really means.


... grammar not so good :(
The new methods that involve new technologies, help increase production levels significantly.


I hold the view that they cause more troubles than their usefulness to the world.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Serious movies or comedies ? Which is better? [6]

If you improve your essay structure, you can easily aim a score more than 25/30. Your sentences are well structured and your vocabulary is very good.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: the advantages and disadvantages living in a small village [4]

Well... your introduction is very complicated for the reader to understand. It seems you try to use as many key words as possible. However, you have to be very careful in using synonyms as they may interpret something totally different to what you intend to mean if used inappropriately. So, don't have the habit of replacing your known vocabulary with synonyms. Remember, clarity is the most important aspect in writing. There is no point in having so many big words in your sentences if you cannot give the idea across to the reader. I wish you re-do this intro.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] learning about life by other experience or your own experience? [3]


....Wrong grammar :( You have to rephrase this sentence .... your idea is not at all clear to the reader :(
Also follow this approach which dumi suggests for the introduction of this task. It's very logical and would help you earn marks;

Writing Feedback / Everyone likes to be famous in their own field and they put great effort for that; "Celebrities" [3]


I think you need to improve a bit more on the introduction. (The problem is with the Background section - see below)

Undergraduate / 'This came as a blow to my self-esteem' - TRANSFER; UW-Madison! [2]


I still remember how I cried after the first day of work and swore to myself that I would never step into that classroom again.


There is a gap between the two sentences here. What made you to continue? Better mention something about that to bridge the two sentences.


The pleasure I derived from learning and the pride I took in me for being a top student began vanishing.
I enjoyed your writing. Good job!

Undergraduate / I have dreamed of a career in medicine; Johns Hopkins Summer Internship Program [2]


.... I feel it is good to talk about one of the two (I mean, either "providing quality healthcare to those in need " or "playing a significant role in the advancement of medicine" as they both have close meanings. Also, I feel they are two advance for a five year old to dream about :( Anyways, this is just a suggestion of mine for that sentence;

From the age of five, I lived a dream; A dream of being seriously involved in the field of medicine in hope of enhancing the quality of healthcare for those who are in need.

Writing Feedback / Technology is huge part or our daily life [3]

First, it is better if we had some idea about the purpose of writing this essay. Is this for a college admission? or IELTS, TOEFL etc.?


... This sentence has several issues. Let's tackle its grammar first;
Technology is a huge part of our daily life nowadays. However, there are lots of different types of technology and each has its own benefits and features.

Second, I find it not having much meaningful contribution to your essay. Why are you talking about different types of technologies?
You also have not given us the title of this essay. Without knowing your title, it is even harder to comment on your essay :(

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 :Children need to eat a healthy meal at school! [4]


healthy food is quite notable / healthy foods are quite notable

Writing Feedback / Toefl: The reasons that people visit museums. [5]


I feel this provides a better hook than the first sentence of your introduction.


....This is not translated properly. How about this?
" The past is the guiding star for your future" ... I think this one goes better with your next idea.


.... wrong grammar'
they will enjoy / they will be enjoying


... this sentence is incomoplete :(

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - Newspaper and books are outdated. What is your opinion? [6]

You open your essay with expressing your opinion. However, it is better that you introduce the topic first and conclude your introduction by expressing your opinion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Government's financial support for elderly people [5]


This gives the reader a hint that you would come up with the three reasons in the body paragraphs. So, you can have three body paras for each different reason. Then support the reason with a good example that can easily convince your point to the reader. In other words, you could have constructed three body paras by splitting the following para into 3;

Follow dumi's suggested approach. That helps you earn a good score as well as to handle time efficiently.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; buildings often reflected the culture of a society ! [4]

Yep... The IELTS requires specific features in your essay structure, otherwise you would not be able to score well.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1:the fishers in different regions and the world's top ten exporter of fish [2]

It is always good to include your graph together with the essay. Use the "Attach file(s)" feature for uploading the graph that helps us providing you with more meaningful feedbacks.

However, you follow an excellent structure for this task. :)


.... comparison is not between countries, but regions of the world (Asia is a continent and not a country). The second part is not very clear :(

Overall, Asia has recorded the largest number of fishes compared to other regions in the world .
I could have assisted you with the latter part if I had a chance of seeing your graph.

Undergraduate / There are no secrets to success! ; FAILURE [4]


"There are no secrets to success.It is the result of preparation, hard work, and learning from failure"; a quote by Colin Powell which I truly believe in.


On the first day of school in the 10th grade, our teachers discussed us about the difficulties and challenges we would face in that year. They stressed the importance of good academic performance by every student due to the reason that it is the point that decides which stream a student would enter to further his studies.

Is this for a college admission question? If so, you better include the question too so that we can give you more meaningful feedbacks.

Writing Feedback / Has the widespread use of the internet influenced taken the world`s control? [4]

As others have commented, you need lots of improvement with regard to presentation and essay structure. I don't have any idea why you have written this essay, but I think you can follow the same structure that dumi recommends for IELTS and TOEFL tasks.

Writing Feedback / music can nurse and improve feeling; The traditional vs international music [3]

At my first glance, I felt that your essay is too lengthy for this task. This task has a major bearing on time and if you lengthen it unnecessarily, you would not be able to complete the essay.So, my advice is to stick to either 4 or 5 para structure which is the most efficient and practical approach in dealing with this task.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Planning for the town [4]

Yes, we need to have a look at the map to get an idea whether you are on the right track. However, it seems that you follow the most appropriate structure for this task which is "Introduction, Overview , Details".


... wrong grammar here;
The local state is planning/ The local state has planned/ The local state plans


... your tone should be more formal and not personal because this task is aimed at assessing your report writing skills.
Upload the map and we would give you more relevant and useful comments :)

Writing Feedback / Two limits for each crime type is needed: the upper and the lower - for equity [5]

Your whole introduction is made up of one single sentence :( You need to present your ideas with better clarity. This is the structure dumi suggests for the intro and I wish you too follow that.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : customer satisfaction lever with airlines and aspects of air travel [2]

You should have uploaded the chart together with your essay. It helps us to provide you more relevant comments.

Also, adopt a more formal tone for this task as this is going to test your report writing skills.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay: Old people health care. Is it the responsibility of the family or government [7]


... State your opinion more clearly and more direct when concluding your introduction.


... Your prompt is more general and it is not specific to Britain. So, do not narrow down the scope of your prompt. First tell the reason in general and then have the Britain's case as an example to convince your reader about your reasoning.

Also, have the habit of including your prompt with the essay so that we exactly know what your prompt requires and accordingly we can align our comments for you.

Writing Feedback / How technology affected the types of relationships people make? [4]

Yes, you need to improve your essay structure. Especially, your body paragraphs seem to be extensively longer. It is better that you have one reason per one body para to justify your position in the argument. Then support that reason with a more specific example. That way, if you have three different reasons, you should have three separate body paras.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Human's dependence in the modern world [5]


It is better to express your own opinion here. This one really doesn't help you impress the reader because it sounds too vague. This is the structure dumi suggests for the introduction of this task. It is pretty logical and I wish you follow it.

Writing Feedback / We now live in 'consumer societies' where money and possessions are given too much import? [2]


In act, it is undeniable that the more the society be developed, higher the money be valued.


This sentence is very confusing. There are some grammar issues too. Avoid writing too long sentences. Keep one idea per sentence. I feel you should rewrite this one again.


This body paragraph looks too long. Have one reason per body paragraph to justify your opinion and then support it with a specific example.

Undergraduate / The music within: Common App essay (need help) [2]

I feel your answer is more aligned with the question that asks to which community you belong to or your extra-curricular activity. In this prompt which is aimed at knowing the background which is so central to you, you need to tell them things that finally make up you as a person. You talk about your passion for music and your love for the instrument, violin. But they do not seem to make you up as a person. If you intend to stick to this, then at least you need to have yourself in the center and tell them how your life or personality been shaped by this passion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : Obesity is a major disease prevalent among children [8]


.... Don't let your sentences to be too lengthy. Restrict one idea to one sentence;
The government has a greater responsibility in addressing this alarming health issue. It should introduce programs in school curriculum to make sure that every student takes part in extra curricular activities that involve physical exercises.


Parents too should be made responsible to provide their children with healthy nutrient diets that would not leave room for obesity.

Undergraduate / "Reason over emotion"; Programme preference - City University, why? [8]

This aspect makes me embrace the science.

Science is a very broad field... when I read your prompt, I feel they want more specific details about your study program - why you chose it. So, you need to focus more on your major and tell them why you want to pursue that subject. It is only the third paragraph that speaks about your real study objectives. I think you need to improve the first two :(

Writing Feedback / You have enough money to purchase either a house or a business.Which could you prefer ? [6]


... wrong grammar;
house supports / house can support


.... good idea, but presentation needs lots and lots of work. If you make those errors I have highlighted in this sentence (may be typos, but they are serious ones) at the exam, then you'll be in deep trouble. Make sure you respect those rules when you write essays.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1 General Training : Letter to landlord [7]


I am Arun, your new tenant who signed up the rental agreement for your apartment at 25, Creams road, block 258, level 6, Singapore two weeks before. Hope you could remember me.

I write this letter to inform you that there will be a small delay in moving into this apartment due to some unavoidable circumstances.
You should tell the reason for writing the letter in the first paragraph (introductory para) itself.

Letters / Cover Letter for Job Application (guide me for Incorporation of modification) [4]


In response to your advertisement for the position ?????, I submit herewith my resume along with the covering letter and the names and details of the referees for your kind consideration. (Hope you need to give referees too)

Generally, your covering letter should be very brief. It is alright to introduce yourself briefly (I mean your background, experience etc.) , but it should be very very brief. Resume gives all the details. I think this needs lots of trimming :)

Scholarship / Suggestions and grammar check for the APIASF Scholarship Essays [2]


Well....what is the contribution of this sentence to describe your short or long term goals? I feel this sentence is not really necessary. You need to focus more on what your prompt asks you - your short term and long term goals.


However, to achieve this long term goal, I need to find ways to finance my college education.
Again, this too seems to be out of topic. Your prompt does not ask you about your difficulties in pursuing higher education. It asks you about your goals. Elaborate more on your goals.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Children should be brought up under strict rules of behavior or not? [5]

Mostly it does. There may be small adjustments you need to make depending on the essay type (I mean title type - Agree/Disagree , Discuss both views, What are the reasons? etc.) But basically this structure can be considered as one fit for all needs.


You should not have examples in the introduction. It is meant for you to introduce your topic to the reader and get him on the track to follow your writing :D

Essays / Revenge is a dish best served cold; English Essay [4]

"Revenge is a dish best served cold" is an idiom meaning that it is very satisfying to get revenge a long time after the event for which you want revenge. So, this is about keeping the your grudges (may be for a very long time) until the right time comes for you to take the revenge. So, in my view, this essay is about taking revenge and in particular waiting patiently until the right moment prompts.

Writing Feedback / Toefl: "never, never give up" means to keep trying and never stop working for your goals [3]


There are two "but's coming too close;
Everyone knows that a strong man is not the one who never falls but the one who rises after a fall.


This should be either - "never give up" or "never give up ever"


... giant amount? ....better rephrase;
We have enough and more evidences that prove this motto be it is in the field of art or science. .... I took off life and history because all four of them cannot be put into one bunch.

Writing Feedback / 'government is in charge' - equal numbers of male and female students [2]


This is not a good hook. It does not deliver your idea clearly;
It goes without saying that gender discrimination is unfair.


.... grammar errors.... pay more attention to your grammar;
It is obvious that the girls have been restricted to follow many major courses at the universities.


It is good to conclude your introduction with a clear statement that expresses your position on the argument.

Undergraduate / 'Everyone has great potentialities' 200 words significant challenge - Appl. of univerisity [2]


You are above the word count limit by 40 words and therefore need to cut it down. So, you can avoid talking about more general stuff and concentrate more on things that tell them about yourself.


... you better start with this idea. But you need to rephrase this sentence because your idea is not delivered clearly;
When I was in the middle school, my teacher used to humiliate and embarrass the students in my class publicly when they didn't do their homework properly. So we avoided public appearances. .... I guess this is what you mean.


However, when I entered high school, I was so attracted to contest for the public election.