Scholarship / The National Merit Scholarship Essay - UF Essay Help [7]

Good evening.

You've got a good piece here, but I have a couple of concerns.

First, is mechanics. You've got a good underlying story here, but I'm afraid that the mechanical and grammatical errors will obstruct it. Mainly rules of capitalization; make sure you are capitalizing proper nouns and the beginnings of sentences only, and not capitalizing words that are not either. To help with this, I suggest one of the books from the "Prentice Hall Guide for College Writers" series written by Stephen Reid. You can pick any of them up cheap used, or get them from the library. Secondly, mechanically, make sure your punctuation is always inside of your quotation marks.

In regards to content, I'm not sure as it is, if this paper will work for the prompt. You explain your interests, but not a meaningful event, experience or accomplishment in your life or how it will affect your college experience or your contribution to the UF campus community. I suggest removing some of the detail from the paper as it is and filling it with answers to the prompt.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / 'This woman is my mother' - discuss a person and his or her influence on you [2]

Good evening.

You've got a good piece here, but I have a couple of concerns.

First, is mechanics. You've got a good underlying story here, but I'm afraid that the mechanical and grammatical errors will obstruct it. Mainly rules of capitalization; make sure you are capitalizing proper nouns and the beginnings of sentences only, and not capitalizing words that are not either. To help with this, I suggest one of the books from the "Prentice Hall Guide for College Writers" series written by Stephen Reid. You can pick any of them up cheap used, or get them from the library. I think there are six in the series now, and any of them would help you here.

In regards to content, your story is very descriptive, but I am worried that it doesn't entirely fit the prompt. The narrative describes who, but not how she has influenced you. If you spend a little more time with this, it will be a great improvement.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / University of Pennsylvania courses / characteristics [6]

Good evening.

A very good essay, but a couple of things:

First, mechanically, make sure your punctuation is always inside of your quotation marks.
Second, make sure that you are only capitalizing proper nouns and the beginning words of sentences, and not capitalizing words that are not either.

In regards to content, the prompt asks not only why it is that you chose the university, but why you would be a good fit for you. You do a good job of explaining why you want to attend this institution, but don't take the time to discuss why it is you will fit there academically or as part of the student body. What will you contribute to the success of the university? How will you make it better? I suggest you spend some time focusing on that as well.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Essay supporting an issue about which you are particularly passionate. [6]

Good afternoon.

My main concern here is your mechanics; you have a good essay but I am afraid that your story will get lost in mechanical errors. To help with this, I suggest one of the books from the "Prentice Hall Guide for College Writers" series written by Stephen Reid. You can pick any of them up cheap used, or get them from the library. I think there are six in the series now, and any of them would help you here.

In regards to content, even though it is touching, I am not sure what the details about your uncle have to do with the rest of the essay. I am left with an "unraveled" feeling because his story and your avocation interests are not closely tied together.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Strenght, football team - FSU Admissions Essay (Suggestions?) [5]

Good afternoon.

Mechanically, I suggest a refresher in basic punctuation, mainly comma use. Prentice Hall has a great series called "The Prentice Hall Guide for College Writers" written by Stephen Reid. I think there are six editions, but any of them would help you in this regard; you can usually pick them up cheap used or find them at the library.

In regards to content, the third paragraph could also do well with some more explanation. How has all of this pain made you a better person? Why does it "do the trick" where nothing else does? Does everyone have something in life that will improve them in the ways that football has improved you?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "I have played piano" - Chopin's Second Ballade [6]

I think my impression would be that you were a very creative person, but maybe a procrastinator; I would wonder what else you would wait until the last minute to do. I think adding the CD is a very unique idea that would definitely set you apart from the rest.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Personal Statement- (Victoria Junior College). [5]

Good morning.

You've got a good start here. A couple of things:

First, it seems like two different essays on the same page. Think of a way to link the two subjects together to make the essay more fluid. Second, I suggest taking a quick refresher on basic rules of punctuation and usage. Prentice Hall has a great series called "The Prentice Hall Guide for College Writers" and I think it can help you on this; there are I think six editions right now, and any of them will work magnificently. Stephen Reid writes them, and you can pick them up cheap used, or usually find them in the library.

Good luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / A person's values - FSU admisions essay; Vires symbolizes a variety of strengths [3]

Good morning.

I agree with the above comment, and have a few others as well:

Make sure you are properly capitalizing all proper nouns. For instance, artes should be "Artes." The flip side to this is make sure that you are not capitalizing words that are not proper nouns or the beginning of sentences.

Your conclusion doesn't fit the essay very well; it is a good conclusion, but it should wrap up the virtues you wrote about in the paper. Uniqueness was not one of the virtues included in the prompt.

I do think you used good examples, and with a little bit of clean up the essay will be great.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / My thesis for an essay on "violence in King Lear" [4]

Good morning.

I think this is a very fine start! Don't be so hard on yourself! Sheesh!

OK, let's look at this more closely:

I really like the first sentence, but it leaves me wondering what you mean by "sight without sight"; expand upon this statement more to tell your readers exactly what you are describing. This applies to "sin after suffering" (which should have a comma after it) and "contrast." On this last one, consider your audience; if they are intimately familiar with the work, you might be able to get away with this last statement, but if there is anyone in the audience that has not read the piece or hasn't read it in a long time, be more specific.

In your thesis, great detail is expected, thus narrowing your topic down to a fine point, the "core" of your paper. The length of the thesis doesn't matter; what matters is that it is concise, complete, and considerate (of your audience).

I wish you good luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / A comparative analysis with the themes of race power and justice [2]

Good morning.

Good evening.

From your posting, it seems that this prompt requests specific information from specific material that you and your classmates have exclusive access to, and as such, research for this response would fall out of the scope of my free services. Since it seems that you need extensive assistance with content, I suggest you contact paid academic writing services, or alternatively, your instructor, fellow classmates, academic advisor, or media center specialist, as they can connect you with research resources available only through your institution.

As to the thesis, I suggest that you wait until you have written the paper to form it. Then, take an overall look at your work and find what the main items you cover are, and then what their correlation to each other is. For instance, if you write a paper on global warming and you talk about seven different points of its effects on aquatic wildlife, your thesis statement would mention the seven different effects and that they are in regards to aquatic wildlife only. Sometimes a thesis can be summed up into a sentence or two, and other times it can take a whole page; the length doesn't matter. What matters is that you clearly tell your readers what you write about in the paper and the results of it.

I hope this helps.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Still Part of the Team - I need my essay to be cut for Temple University! [2]

Good morning.

Here are my changes; they get you down to 399 words, without the title:

I have never been picked first in football. I have a total of four career points in my middle-school basketball career. I have never played in the championship game. However, that has not prevented me from participating in athletics today. At Loyola Blakefield, I have been a member of the basketball team for the past three years, serving as team manager and writing as a journalism intern for Digital Sports, a high school sports-specific website. Sports have always been my passion. The problem is that I am not blessed with the athletic traits that many of my friends possess. But I have worked just as hard as the several Division I-bound athletes in my grade; I manage the team or write the story of the game.

Freshman year, I tried out for the freshman basketball team on the first day, only to realize how out-of-shape and talentless that I was. The next day I didn't show up for try-outs. Instead, I went into the head coach's office. He told me that there was a managing position. I accepted eagerly. From that moment on, I would be the manager. Whether it was wiping the floor down before practice, filling up water bottles for the players, keeping statistics, or making copies of rosters, I was pleased to do it. I touched the floor two minutes a game in the eighth grade, and I now manage.

A good portion of the athletes at my school and other schools that participate in the same conference; they know who I am, and whenever an athlete wants a story done about their commitment to a specific college, they come find me. One memorable story was on Justin McCoy, a basketball player, who would follow in his father's footsteps and play collegiately at Coppin State University. In addition, I have also written over thirty game stories.

Had it not been for my coaches, I wouldn't have had the chance to be involved in managing or writing for a local publication. Without the inspiration of the athletes and coaches I grew up watching, I would have never been able to feel this thrill. Sports have opened up so many doors for me in my brief seventeen years. Once I enter a university, I will expect to continue my endeavors in sports. The world of sports is vast, and my name will hopefully forever be attached to it.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Family history + my qualities or unique traits - UCF Admission Essay [2]

Good morning.

A few things: first, the list of characteristics is a bit ostentatious; shorten it up a bit to the most important to you. Also, I suggest a quick refresher on the use of punctuation, specifically commas. That will help the flow of the essay.

In regards to content, you use good reasons to answer the prompt and support them with detailed stories, making your essay strong. Your conclusion also fits the rest of your essay well.

Nice work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "...today's world with the turmoil" - FSU ADMISSION ESSAY [2]

Good morning.

Your introduction needs a little bit of work as it has a couple run-on sentences in it. I also suggest you take a quick refresher on comma use, as there are some spots that need them one or two that have them that shouldn't, and some in the wrong place with regards to quotation marks.

Your essay is a good response to the prompt; you give good reasons and support them with detailed examples. The conclusion also wraps things up nicely. Good work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / Abolish the death penalty!; Reasearch on DEATH PENALTY [4]

Good morning.

From your posting, it seems that this prompt requests specific information from specific material that you and your classmates have exclusive access to, and as such, research for this response would fall out of the scope of my free services. Since it seems that you need extensive assistance with content, I suggest you contact paid academic writing services, or alternatively, your instructor, fellow classmates, academic advisor, or media center specialist, as they can connect you with research resources available only through your institution.

Good luck!

Writing Feedback / "The Voting Age" essay [4]

Much nicer; much more believable.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Writing Feedback / Eng101 starting essay (personal narrative) [8]

That's a good start.
What kind of examples can you think of that illustrate these three items?

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "I thought long and hard about where to spend 4 years" - UCF Essays [4]

You're very welcome, and thank you for the encouragement!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Research Papers / association between paternal age at birth... [4]

Excellent! Much nicer! Very concise!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / For UR, what makes you a good fit? Give suggetions for my work. [4]

I suggest that you definitely include the publication information (at least one source) and remove any "filler" from the essay that you can.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "Circle of Love" - Univ of Florida admission essay review on a meaningful event, experience ... [2]

Good evening.

I only have one comment:

"...enjoyed the day's festivities; for a brief moment, I was..."

This is a great response to the prompt; you give a specific reason for your answer, tell a relevant story, and close it up with a nice tight conclusion. Good work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Unique characteristics - ability to mentor new students and to tutor underclass-men [3]

Good evening.

Looking at your essay, watch random capitalization. If the word is not a proper noun or the beginning of a sentence, it shouldn't be capitalized. A refresher on basic grammar and punctuation can help with this.

You don't use transitions between your paragraphs, and so it doesn't flow very well; it seems as if you have four mini-essays because they are not linked together.

Also, the conclusion is a bit too brief, and new information is mentioned therefore hinting at a new paragraph but not following through. If your word count is permitting, try smoothing that out a bit.

I think you've got a good outline here; you've got the facts you want to include, now all you need is some "filler" to make the overall piece fluid.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "I'm mentally ready" - FSU ESSAY HELP [4]

I think this is a good response to the prompt; you may not be happy with it because you've been at it for awhile now; put it away and don't look at it for a few days. When you come back to it, it will be with refreshed eyes, and you may see opportunities for changes that you didn't see before.

Essays / Writing an essay on a persuisive argument - where do I begin?!! [2]

Good afternoon.

I suggest you begin with an outline. Write down all of the points you want to discuss in the paper, and then an example or supporting detail for them from the text. You can use as many of these main topic/supporting detail pairings as you need to get all of your information across, comprising the content of the paper.

Once you have that down, you can rough in the conclusion, but save your introduction until last. After all, how are you to introduce a paper that you haven't written yet? Also, make sure that if you include quotes or references from outside texts (including the article) to properly cite them according to your required referencing style.

I hope this helps you get started!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / The courses of study and the unique characteristics - Upenn essay [4]

Good morning.

In regards to the prompt, they are asking what program(s) you are interested in at this institution and why this interest in this program(s) is suitable for the university. They want to make sure that you are a student that will fit in with their image, their ideals, and their standards. In a very obvious example, a future banker would not study at Julliard; as such, Penn wants to make sure that they have a course of study that will be appropriate for your goals. You don't have to narrow it to courses only; they ask about unique characteristics of the campus. That means location, student body, staff, extracurricular programs, etc. If a prospective student is from a small rural town, are they sure they want to attend a large, urban school? Are there things to do on and off campus that meet your interests? Things like that.

"...Alpha Kappa Psi, Penn International Business Volunteers, and the Social Impact Consulting Group..."

I also suggest you run the piece through a spell-checking program before submitting it.

The content looks like it is a good response to the prompt. You explain what interests you and how specifically the university will meet your needs, as well as your career goals. You talk about extracurricular activities, demonstrating that you intend to be active in campus life. Your introduction could use a little fine tuning as it is a little too vague compared to the pinpoint accuracy you provide throughout the rest of the essay, and you have a good conclusion. Keep up the good work.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Grammar, Usage / Sentence Problem - it's a fragment, how to reword it? [9]

This year's math and physics classes were the detonators, but the process(Do you mean the actual application process, or the desire to attend this institution? If the latter, you should change "process" to "fire": "...but the fire for me to attend MIT was lit many years ago.") of me applying to MIT began many years ago.

Book Reports / Fatalism vs self Determination vs human ambition - MACBETH THESIS - Am I in the right track? [5]

Good morning.

A few things; what do you mean by "perlex"? Please clarify a bit here. Also, are you referring to Macbeth's fear of fatalism and self determination? By Shakespeare's? Fill in with more details; a thesis can be one sentence, but for a topic this heavy a paragraph will probably be what you end up with.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / Ethical dilemma, risk, achievement - common apps personal essay [7]

Good morning.

I am not a "nobody."

Also, watch using "but" at the beginning of sentences.

"...of a "nobody" now..."

I don't think there are any redundant sections in the piece, and its length is appropriate. You flow well from one point in the essay to the next, and the natural time progression of the piece is fluid. You make some good points with adequqate examples. A good intro as well as conclusion too.

Nice work.

Research Papers / The short and long term effects of the Russian revolution - history [6]

Good morning.

I suggest beginning with an outline. List all of the topics you absolutely want to include and then one fact and/or a supporting detail or story about that topic. You can include as many topics, facts, supporting details, or stories as you need to make a strong essay. Once you have that done you can rough out a conclusion; wait until the very end to write your introduction though. After all, how can you introduce something that you haven't even written yet?

Make sure to include all of the proper formal citations according to your required citation style, and to include a works cited or bibliography page at the end.

I hope this helps get you started.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / How I can enhance the community around me? - UCF ESSAY [3]

"Integrity, scholarship, community, creativity, excellence." Not ..."

"...hone inon the skills and blessings which have been given to me to become a highly..."

I am assuming you choose to reply to the second prompt. As such, your answer is a strong response to it. Your voice is strong, the content is well organized, and it flows nicely. Good work.

Research Papers / association between paternal age at birth... [4]

Good morning.

This is a great piece; very strong and informative. I do have a few suggestions for it though:

"This article discusses the relationship of paternal age of schizophreniaYou mean the age of the father at the time his son/daughter is born, correct? , paternal age at the time of birth and the chance of his offspring developing schizophrenia,This is a very complicated subject, so as many specifics as possible should be included. which is a chronic, severe, and disabling brain disorder.

A cross-sectional study was done on patients of schizophrenia and on people without any psychiatric disorder. The results of this study showed that the average of paternal age birthBe more specific. in schizophrenic patients was significantly higher than the ages in the control group. The results also showed that fathers age no loss than mother'sDo you mean that when the father is younger than the mother or older this increase is present?contributes variably to the risk of a less favorable reproductive outcome. Such as? Be specific here. "

I hope this helps.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / "...this power exists" - FSU essay on three famous Latin words [2]

Great response to the prompt; a few mechanical errors, but overall a strong essay. Nice opening and conclusion; the body is well organized and you flow well from one paragraph to the next.

Essays / An essay / sketch about myself; how to get over using "I" so often [5]

Good morning.

Keep in mind that in this type of essay it is almost impossible to stay away from "I" completely, but it is easy to become redundant with it. Here are a few tips: instead of "I" try using "one" periodically. For instance, "One would think that such an idea would be good, but..." You can also creatively structure some of your sentences; try not using "I" at all and see how they work out.

I hope this helps!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / The Jungle Sinclair - paper based on the book [4]

Good evening.

Because this essay deals with specific material that you and your classmates have exclusive access to I will only be able to edit for grammar and mechanics. As research for this topic would fall out of the scope of my free services, I am not familiar with either of the texts you are using for this class, so if you need further assistance with the content, I suggest you contact paid academic writing services, or alternatively, your instructor, fellow classmates, academic advisor, or media center specialist, as they can connect you with research resources available only through your institution.

Use your text to your advantage; all of these answers are in the text. Look into study guides for this piece for other points of view as well; they can give a fresh perspective that could help you.

Good luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Undergraduate / For UR, what makes you a good fit? Give suggetions for my work. [4]

Good afternoon.

Because the prompt asks for specific sources included in the essay, I suggest you contact your counselor to get this information and then include it in the essay. If your word count allows, I suggest you expand upon the Take Five program and include some details, making your essay stronger.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Essays / Starting an essay, define key features of mental health [2]

Good evening.

Because this essay deals with specific material that you and your classmates have exclusive access to I will only be able to edit for grammar and mechanics. As research for this topic would fall out of the scope of my free services, I am not familiar with either of the texts you are using for this class, so if you need further assistance with the content, I suggest you contact paid academic writing services, or alternatively, your instructor, fellow classmates, academic advisor, or media center specialist, as they can connect you with research resources available only through your institution.

You could begin with an outline; write down everything you want to cover in your paper, and then their supporting details and facts. Once you have all of that written down you can write out a rough conclusion, but I suggest writing the introduction last. After all, how can you write a piece introducing a text you haven't written yet?

Good luck!

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com

Book Reports / (techniques that Schlosser) FAST FOOD NATION ESSAY [4]

Good evening.

Because this essay deals with specific material that you and your classmates have exclusive access to I will only be able to edit for grammar and mechanics. As research for this topic would fall out of the scope of my free services, I am not familiar with either of the texts you are using for this class, so if you need further assistance with the content, I suggest you contact paid academic writing services, or alternatively, your instructor, fellow classmates, academic advisor, or media center specialist, as they can connect you with research resources available only through your institution.

Good luck!

Undergraduate / Upenn short question - "explain why"? [2]

In regards to the prompt, it seems like they want you to name a specific professor that you want to work with and why you want to work with him/her.

I would spend more time explaining how you intend to use this specific professor's talents to help you with your research, if you have room. If not, it is a good essay as it stands.

Undergraduate / An experience through which you have gained respect for you differencies. [2]

Good afternoon.

The middle paragraph seems a bit too stiff for my liking; how about softening it? Something such as, "An example of these differences is the warmth with which the Greek people greet each other with." And go on from there.

Also, make sure you are not randomly capitalizing words that are not proper nouns or words beginning sentences.
Otherwise, a nice response to the prompt.

Undergraduate / What led you to choose the area of academic interest you chose? [2]

Your content provides a good reply to the prompt, but your mechanics need some work. I suggest a refresher in basic punctuation rules, as well as running your works through a spell-check program.

Undergraduate / "Life can be full of many obstacle and surprises" - Admission essay [5]

Good morning.

You're welcome; grammatically and mechanically I did not find anything that I would change.

Regards,
Gloria
Moderator, EssayForum.com