Undergraduate / BU essay- open-minded, diligent, and curious [4]

This long sentence is tough to manage:
The driver handed me my over-packed orange suitcase from the top of the bus, which was overflowing with other baggage. Tw o adults and a young girl with bright blue curlers in her hair approached me with warm smiles and arms extended for handshakes. These people would be my familia for the next five weeks.

Now this last sentence of the first para... this is the sentence that will linger in the reader's mind. Is this sentence meaningful enough? ---> As a diligent, curious and open-minded teenager, I looked forward to spending my summer in a foreign country.---> you say you were open-minded and diligent and curious, so... are these part of the theme of the essay? At the end of the first para, you should hint at the theme of the essay.

Oh! I see that these words are the theme of the essay! My bad. Okay, well I still think that thesis statement could be stronger. You can make this essay a little more complex; did you learn about diligence from the example of people in Panama, or did you gain insight into what you want to do in your future? Did curiosity drive diligence, or was there sme other relationship among the qualities? You can complexify this! :-)

Undergraduate / Boston University-Me in 3 words [5]

Being asked to pick only three words to describe the type of person I am is a very belaboring task. This sentence does not help anything.

Ever since I was able to speak and understand other people, my parents have raised me to be a good person . Let's say something more specific...

They have been able to make a person that is hardworking, responsible and polite.---> yes, these are specific, but they become general altogether. Maybe it is better to focus on one. My parents were eccentric about their shared belief that they could mold me into a good person if they worked me half to death. Then, continue:

Because I was the first born, my parents pushed me to excel and achieve my potential. I went through countless numbers of worksheets in elementary school in addition to the school homework. My parents assigned me workbooks during the summer to keep me busy. I remember those hot, sweaty days frantically trying to work through what my...----> this is where it starts to get very good! You are drawing the reader into your world.

Undergraduate / "born in China 16 years ago" - MIT world you come from essay [3]

In the face of change and turmoil, familiarity beckons like the grain-o-plenty during famine. (Right here, explain what you mean by "familiarity." You are using it as a word that refers to an emotion that you feel around someone who is familiar.) During my childhood, my mom served as my familiarity. I am very independent now, but I can never forget the biggest influence on my dreams and aspirations during my childhood: Mamma . ----> do you like this spelling? Maybe it is better, maybe not.

I was born in China 16 years ago. When I was five, my family in hopes of a brighter future for me immigrated to the United States, a foreign land that was made to only seem more foreign by our lack of connections or stability.

:-)

Undergraduate / 'aeronautical engineer' - Common app. main essay: character in fiction! [7]

I am sure in some point of our lives we all have wondered that, sometimes in an unproductive way. Perhaps we were not able to answer that and we just threw it away the next second. am sure in some point of our lives we all have wondered that, s Sometimes we approach that question in an unproductive way; unable to answer it immediately, we just throw it away in a second.

I revised for brevity. I think this says the same stuff in fewer words, enabling the ideas to hammer away at the reader's attention.

After seeing it for several weeks on the table by my bed, I decided to read it.---> this sentence is not really helpful, is it? I don't think it is necessary as part of the main heme of the essay, so the only thing it really accomplishes is to convey to the reader that you are not the kind of person that would read an important book right away, but perhaps instead are doing other things, not so interested in reading.

So, that is why you have to be purposeful in everything you do; anything that is not methodical is going to produce random results, maybe unfavorable ones...

Undergraduate / "Learning to balance one's social and academic life", personal essay, common app [4]


This does not mean anything to the reader, because it only tells that you believe you are strong and mature. Maybe you can come up with something more intriguing to say here. Maybe you can refer to a difficult lesson you learned, and by referencing it you show that you are mature.

In the pursuit of a solution for my problems, I underwent huge paradigm shift in my life that has enabled me to see life in an empowered way.

I guess I think the first paragraph has too many sentences -- that it drags on a while before you tell us the nature of the game, the topic of the essay. And at the end of the first para, I see that you still keep it mysterious. I think you should give the reader a few key words in that first paragraph so that they become the memorable theme of the essay. MAybe your theme is "damage control," or maybe it is "guarding against complacency." Whatever magic words you choose, let them become the soul of the essay... and use them both in the first and the last paragraph.

Undergraduate / "art has become a passion of mine" - CommonAPP main essay suggestions? [3]


Yes! The influence reaches far past what you can remember. I think you can write beautifully about the influence of someone you never even knew.

If you say pencil, you have to complete the metaphor somehow:
All I can remember was his magic wand -- the pencil with which he sketched amazing things onto the canvas of reality.

Oh, wait, I see that you were calling his pencil a magic want. So write:
All I can remember was his magic wand: the pencil with which he sketched amazing things onto the canvas.

Ever since that day I've been drawing, from simple things like Pokémon to complicated things like ferocious tigers.

You write very well! I don't like the word hobby, though. Why call it a hobby when you can refer to it as something that influences your philosophy of life or your chosen field of study? Art touches every aspect of life, so this is much more than a hobby.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Freshman year at high school" - Common application essay [3]

My grades were perfect, I was playing sports, and the experience seemed like an ideal first year. ----> just an idea...

The smooth sailing came to halt when I realized how exhausted I was...all the time.
It was n Near the beginning of the fourth quarter, I began to feel dizzy; my weight dropped rapidly, and I was in a constant state of breathlessness.

life-long has a hyphen.


This turns the essay into a big cliche, I think. Instead of simply focusing on perseverance and making the best of the situation, give a real glimpse into the revelation you had that made you choose in favor of working through it. Try to make this essay's theme more defined by giving some details about your unique way of powering through adversity.

:-)

Undergraduate / it depends on my mood, time & the setting; Activity/ies for the pleasure? [11]

Give a complete thought at the start:
What I do for the pleasure of it depends on my mood, time available, and, most importantly, the setting.

I feel no hesitation reluctance about admitting the chances of finding me engaged in a meditation during unoccupied moments is enormous.

Do not worry about what they want. :-) What they want you to write is something inspired, so get inspired about a single idea that will be the main idea of the essay.

You ca write about various things you do, but make an observation about yourself. For example, all the things I like to do involve sitting still, so I should force myself to move around vigorously sometimes. Introspection is impressive. It sure would be impressive if all the activities you enjoy were somehow related to your chosen field.

Undergraduate / I discovered my love of politics; What led you to select your history : NYU [3]

It is not good to write all in one long paragraph. Try to write paragraphs that consist of about 100 words.

After this part, sought to reform society for posterity, add one more sentence -- your thesis statement that conveys the main idea of the essay -- and then end the first paragraph.

Start para #2 with


:-)

Undergraduate / Common App Essay. What I bring to the College "mix." [3]

Reduce the number of adverbs, but don't take out the meaningful ones, like "ironically."
Looking back now, I seem to have ended up in some In retrospect, I see that this attitude always led me from one adventure to another, instilling experience and enabling me to amalgamate their many lessons into the pool that is my perspective. Many of my extracurricular passions are mainly the results of my academic achievements.

I don't know whether to tell you if this meets "top tier college standards," because everybody's subjective opinions differ. I think of writing as art, and I appreciate the glimpse you gave me into your meaningful process.

Hence, it is safe to say, my academics and extracurricular endeavors go hand in hand to shape my general perspective.----> fine, but whay tell us this? Is this what the essay is about?

As I continue reading, I see that the point made in the intro does not apply specifically to the content of the essay. It is a general intro that could be used for anyone's personal statement. It is quite eloquent, though. Still, I think you should look at these body paragraphs and think about the common thread that runs through the experiences you discuss. Whatever that common thread is, discuss it in the intro and conclusion paragraphs; that way, the reader will definitely feel that a powerful impression has been made on her.

For example, at the end of the first para, you might list a few of the important experiences discusses in the essay and tell what they all have in common. If they all involve both hands on experience and studying, you can keep that as the theme of your essay, but you really should refer to each point in relation to you your theme IN THE TOPIC SENTENCE FOR EACH PARAGRAPH.

Anyway, having said all that, I also think this is an excellent essay already.

Graduate / Master in Finance from University of Houston - Goal Statement Letter- feedback [3]

It is a day I imagine it to be After I get my Master in Finance from University of Houston, I am an analyst in Merger and Acquisition department, working in an investment bank such as J.P. Morgan Chase and AIG in Dallas or Houston. At 6:00 am, I wake up, go to the gym, and quickly check ...

How do you like this for the intro?
I love dynamic things, too, but dynamism is everywhere in nature. It is hardly impressive for something to be dynamic.

After another three years, I may move to...

I think you should give some mention to your heritage, so that this essay becomes a little more personal. You have a great ability to envision your future, but what the essay is missing is a personal quality. This essay could have been written by anyone with that driven personality type that envisions a future in investment banking. It does not let them know you.

Merry xmas to you too! :-)

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay Image that you have received land [4]

...donate it for recreational benefits.---this sentence is structured very well! But what do you mean by recreational benefits? Recreation for whom?

Oh, later in the essay, I see that what you mean is this:
...donate it for recreation that would be therapeutic and life-enhancing for the people of the local community.

I have many plots of abandoned land ...

Therefore, I hold a strong opinion that it is important to separate vacant land to create a large house equipped with advanced technological appliances such as television, computer, refrigerator and air conditioners.

Undergraduate / "wanted to study abroad" + "mascot" - Grinnell essays [7]

Some of my main priorities were academic excellence, social life at campus, and attitude towards international students.

Well, "social life" and "academic excellence" are kind of vague. Can you be more specific? Academic excellence among business students and a social atmosphere that is characterized by positive attitudes toward international students.

Undergraduate / How you first learned about Grinnell College? - Grinnell supplement [5]

One more thing... this part is weak:
it was not until my friend Radka entered the Class of 2013, that I discovered more.---> instead of "more," you should say something specific. Maybe what you mean to say is that it was not until my friend Radka entered the Class of 2013 that I gained real experiences to support my positive ideas about Grinnell.

Undergraduate / UPenn Supplementary Essay: Benjamin Franklin and Contribution to the Community [4]


Yes, with online forms you often cannot indent. Instead we do line breaks. That's why, in a formal email letter, the proper format is often different from the proper format for a hard copy of a professional letter.

Your first paragraph is like a baseball pitcher that makes a big, excellent wind-up, but then does not let go of the ball. The thesis statement has so much potential, because the intro paragraph is so eloquent, but then you do not make any specific assertion!

Cut these flattering generalities to make room for the thesis statement:
Realizing these, the academic and social aspects of This essay is intended to show that my faith in God and my fascination with human psychology make me a perfect candidate for the [name of program] Progr am at University of Pennsylvania, which will prepare me for success in the great and thrilling waves of the vast ocean that is waiting for me.

Please use your excellent skills to help some more people here at EF!

:-)

Poetry / Various short poems- i wrote these poems last year for my English 3 honors class [3]

Actually, I just noticed that you did not give very much help to people yet; you certainly have the necessary knowledge to help a lot of EF members, though!

:-)

Letters / is my motivation cover letter for a research fellowship ok? [3]

It would be nice to start with a sentence that expresses a sentiment or interest related to this aspiration -- a sentence that establishes an upbeat and enthusiastic, yet serious mood for the reader to be in while reading.

You are creating an experience for the reader.

After that sentence that you add to the beginning, tell the name of the program to which you are applying, as you did above, and then write a sentence AFTER that before ending the first paragraph. Let the last sentence of the first paragraph be one that tells about your intentions for the future -- your interests, and how this internship relates to them.

Paragraph 2 can tell about your qualifications, as you have done.

In the last para, refer again to your intentions as a professional in this field -- the specific contribution you would like to make, which you mentioned in the last sentence of that first para. If you refer to your excellent intentions in both the first and last paragraph, the reader will remember... and memorable writing is powerful writing that makes a good, solid impression.

Essays / Amherst applicants, do we have to refer to the quote in the essay? [4]

I am not familiar with this application or this school, but I think the thing to do is let the quote be the title of the essay so that they see that you are doing what they challenged you to do. Then, use key words from the quote in your first paragraph and topic sentences.

Another cool approach is to end the essay with the quote, as though it answers a question you pose in the essay.

Most importantly, start writing and feel around for that sense of inspiration.

Undergraduate / Need Help on Personal Essay (supplement for Columbia) [7]

When the claustrophobia overcame us, we walked outside. I looked up; the clouds were

I guess I like it singular rather than plural:
...work so that we never let our despair overrun our hope . My contribution may be only a speck in the grand scheme of things, but my hope is not. It is contagious- and one day it will amount to change. ---> excellent ending! I am glad to be able to give feedback for this essay written by such an excellent person.

thirty instead of 30.

Do you really need to say 1 Janak road, or can you just say Janak Road?

Kind regards!

Undergraduate / "marching band camp" An essay of how I spent my summers [4]

I spent two very memorable weeks during the summer of 2008 at a camp called "Global Scholars," where...

Moving on to something is not the same as moving onto something. You can move onto a platform, but you move on to a new life.

After the breathtaking Global Scholars experience, I moved on to my first marching band camp. Under the...

Use the active voice:
I spent part of my summer of 2009 at two places away from home.

The rest of this is quite impressive except for the last sentence. You cannot really say, "Irreplacable from my memory." I'll leave it to you to come up with a cool sentence to replace this last one. you can say without comparison in my memory, for example...

Undergraduate / Common App: Topic of Choice (leadership) --- [4]

Leadership takes patience to acquire, it is rarely immediate and the effect and influence are impossible to trace. --- this sentence is grammatically incorrect and quite confusing. I think it should be scratched out and that the short first para should be merged with para #2. Your theme is sufficiently complex if you stick with the concept of good things starting with one "drop" like a waterfall.

This sentence should be part of the first paragraph: There are people everyday who are brave enough to take the first step, by doing so they make changes, differences that can live on for eternity. ---> and right after this sentence it will be good to give a thesis statement. I think that sentence above that I recommend crossing out is intended to be a thesis statement, but I suggst coming up with a new one based on the paragraphs of this essay. What is the main theme, now that you began with the idea of leadership/followership starting with one proactive person? Can you express that in a way that captures the main idea of the essay? Then end the first para and start para #2 like this:

At Sumner High School in Washington, a note was left.. .

Undergraduate / UPenn Supplement Essay- Pakistan Society and One Health at Penn [3]

Use a comma to separate the 2 halves of a compound sentence:
The University of Pennsylvania Pakistan Society is most interesting to me, because...

This paragraph is excellent!! ----> In my school's Students of South Asian Society, I organized movie showings, performances, buffets, and ...

are Recent demonstrations in Copenhagen, Denmark, were performed by people who live environmentally friendly and want the...

Nice job. You express yourself very well!!

Undergraduate / UNCW Essay - Carolina's Paradise [2]

Less is more with unnecessary details:
Once a week, o On Monday nights at 8:00 p.m., I make ...

Taken aback by the Wilmington's atmospheric attractiveness, I was curious about how the University of Wilmington added ...

I am being brought up in a home where I am taught to aid and care for others in need. Through this ideal, I am passionate in helping others who suffer physically, mentally, and even emotionally. Thus, I plan to base my career choice on my inclination to help; I will do so by becoming a doctor physician.

By attending Wilmington, I believe I will lay for me an progress along an avenue towards self growth.

Undergraduate / 'The final football season' - NYU: how you spent summer vacation: 500 [4]

Specifying "men" can be unbecoming of you in this context. Why not say "students?" The reader appreciates you as a student with great potential.

...the past four years. ---> this changge is no big deal!

Can you connect this effort and discipline and camaraderie with something about your intended field of study or career? Mention your life plan, as if you are so excited about it that you cannot help but mention it when talking about this experience. If you are passionate about your academic aspirations, you might think about it when you think about football, or anything else.

Undergraduate / "The focus and dedication" - George Washington University Common App. Supplement [2]

That first sentence is a strong one! You should follow it with a sentence that gives an example of the way they help the grads. Do not suddenly start talking about those generalities in the second sentence. They do not mean anything. The fact that you noticed something about support for grads... that MEANS something!

Also, do not bother with student to faculty ratio or anything else that might be found on a brochure.

Do not state the obvious; of COURSE the faculty consists of "experts."

Spend this time showing them some specific things. I really think your celebration of their support for grads is key here.

The second para is good!

Use a comma for compound sentences:
George Washington University is the perfect school in my opinion, because it...

Do not speculate about them being compassionate! Instead, mention an example of something you observed or read about, or something someone told you, that made you believe the profs are compassionate. In writing, the expression is, "Show, don't tell."

:-)

Graduate / "dreams drive men of purpose" Personal_Statement_PhD_Mech engineering [2]

Use the active voice:
I spent my entire educational career has been spent in the most prestigious organizations and academic environments of my country, but I always remember the moment in my second year of guidance school when I was assigned a bonus homework in which I and my classmates had to write a special computer program. ---> yes, I see what you mean about choppiness. What does this memory have to do with what you just said about being in a prestigious school? The thing is, you need to apply this rule:

one paragraph = one idea.

Although writing computer program was one of my enjoyable interests, at the same time it was very challenging for a twelve year-old boy to run a complex program on computers correctly.

Now I see that the last sentence of the first para is about confidence, so I think you should revise the topic sentence this way:

I spent my entire educational career has been spent in the most prestigious organizations and academic environments of my country, but even this privilege did not empower me as much as a special moment in my second year of guidance school. I was assigned...

... and at the end of the paragraph, you mention confidence, which goes with "empowered."

This way, the paragraph is all about the confidence you gained, and it does not seem to give 3 different ideas.
:-) good luck!!!

Dissertations / Dissertation topics-in built environment subjects [4]


There is nothing wrong with this approach as long as you narrow the focus somewhat. This topic, as you express it, has certainly been done in a variety of contexts and under various circumstances. Your challenge is to search relevant databases for articles about this subject, and see what has been done already.

Some of the articles you read may even have a "Recommendations" section at the end. If you see an article that is from 2007 or 2008 which recommends furthr research in comparing sustainable vs traditional in a particular context or under particular circumstances, you can cite that rticles recommendation as part of your "significance of this study" section.

If you do enough reading about this subject, you'll see "gaps" in the literature where a space needs to be filled.

Undergraduate / MIT short essay--creativity--sumo robot [3]

that first sentence has not verb, no predicate. You could write:
Robotics is a field...

Robots do not depict, but instead "are modeled after vehicles or animals..."

The sumo robot is a cool idea!!

Robotics is a field that usually is quite formal, but it is also a place for creative self-expression. The robots on land usually are modeled after the shapes of vehicles or animals, but I as well, followed this stream of ideas, but end up developed my own unique design of a sumo robot. I also designed a robot as something extraordinary--a pirate ship.

You have a great future awaiting you, I think, in this hi-tech 21st century world.

Book Reports / "A Chain Reaction of Death" - intro of hamlet essay [4]

No, it doesn't work this way. You don't really say anything; you just refer to the "domino effect," but it is not enough to mention a "chain reaction" or domino effect. You need to describe personality attributes among the characters. How would things have gone differently if (name a character) had not been so (name an adjective to describe a personality).

Shakespeare's plays are about human nature, and the characters' tragedies teach a lesson for the audience. This question is intended to make you show that you learned a lesson about how to avoid calamity.

Undergraduate / calligraphy + the English Corner I found -Short Answer of the Common Application [9]

"Writing Practice"

These 2 ideas are so great, I would definitely write about them both under a thesis statement about "writing practice." Your writing practice began with this meditative discipline, and it developed into the English Corner.

I posted the flyers about the English Corner throughout the city, wrote posts on Internet forums, and told every person I met.

Cut out some details from each, and put them together!! I am excited about it, because it is so impressive.

Undergraduate / "Mathematician With Love of Arts" -- Common Application Main Essay [5]

Yes, these are great questions. It is good if an essay has a surpising twist at the end, or something "extra" for the reader to take away. However, imagine an essay where the reader does not even know what the essay is about until the end. If you explore this forum you will see some like that.

Your essay does lead the reader's attention quite well, but after a paragraph all about dancing the reader thinks, "oh, this is an essay about dancing." But then you switched it, and that is the kind of thing that makes teachers say, "Oh, this essay is wandering off topic.

You can write about anything you want in the paragraph, but adjust the intro paragraph so that it establishes a MAIN IDEA that has something to do with each body paragraph.

At the end, you can surprise the reader by making an important point about your chosen topic. It can be a new idea... a conclusion you draw based on your main idea.

Undergraduate / Any environment that is particularly significant to you my Willliams supplement! [17]

Perhaps you can condense that first para to one sentence and combine it with paragraph #2. You'll need to add your thesis statement to para #2, and that way you will knoc off those 60 extra words...

Undergraduate / "I hope to envision, to design and to execute" - Cornell - Why Engineering [12]

The first criticism I think of is that this is sexist. It asociates the role of an engineer with a male, and even though your intentions are not to be oppresive to women in your presentation, it is still important to work against society's tendency to assign science and leadership roles to men.

The narcotic perfume that exhales emanates from her skin plagues...

Well, you write very eloquently, for sure. I guess you could introduce the notion of idea and praxis at the starty, and then describe them, but I think it is good to find ways to be more gender inclusive.

Also, I rteally think they prefer for you to give an idea for engineering something; I think they juist gfave the option to write about your interest in engineering (without expressing idea) in order to include people who have no good idea... but you really should expres a good enginering idea.

:-)

Undergraduate / CMU: How my childhood experiences lead to my major of BME [5]

I think it's great, especially because you can adjust it to serve as evidence attesting to your seriousness about biomed engineering. Your fascination with biology, especially human biology, is linked to your career choice in an important way.

Undergraduate / 'Cherishing liberty' - Davidson College Essay- Honor Code [4]

...that they will hold themselves and their classmates to a uphold higher standard.----> it makes writing strong when you can say it in fewer words.

Undergraduate / Brown Supplement: First Part of Engineering Supplemental [7]

I don't think there is any real difference. They want you to explain your interest in your chosen field. Some students are just being blown in the wind, not really caring, while other students are very determined to make a big contribution to a particular field. This is where they find out what kind of student you are.

:-)

Undergraduate / AP Biology book. I am caught in life, utterly inescapable life - "How did you get Caught" [9]

Closing the thread does not remove it from the forum. If you want to find out about your options, see the TOS. This website is based on helping people to write better by sharing our writing, so we like to keep all the collaboration available for others to see. You do have options for removing it, though.

:-)

Undergraduate / I Cheated on My Wife (Number). U of I essay. [11]

I became interested in business initially because I thought business can lead me into all the candies I can get! Well, you know, make money, buy candies... how naïve was that?

I think I understand ytour meaning, but like the others have said, you might want to drop one more sentence to explain it better--perhaps at the end! :-)

Undergraduate / "We're moving." -School Life and Diversity - The University of Washington Essays [15]

...spoken to me more often, perhaps, that to most other youths growing up. on more occasions than usual.

That first paragraph should probably be developed more. By adding a sentence to it, you can clearly tell the reader about the way you benefited from the multiple perspectives that became available you you as you moved so often. Ad a sentence to the end of that first paragraph -- a sentence that you want the reader to reflect on before moving on to the story you tell in paragraph 2.

That conclusion paragraph, too.. it expresses an important idea, but it could use another sentence to make it solid and well-developed. These two paragraphs which express the thesis/theme of the essay, are like the soul of the essay.

Graduate / "...Success is failure turned inside out... "; MBA essay: failure [4]

I have studied all the information I could get from peers and Internet and made a business plan: what kind of job I needed, how much I had to spend, and how long to work to be profitable.----> very impressive!

comma instead of a colon:
During those five months I did everything, from building trailers to cooking to serving customers.

My boss, Mr. H, often had ache in legs, and having a cart for him was soon a necessity.

...you are allowed to be irresponsible; never lose your perspective or clarity reality check . Second, failure is not the end; just don't trust your emotions at the moment you understand you have failed, and go on, because tomorrow you will thank yourself.