Undergraduate / Why UChicago Essay 2018: Is it Ready? Like a home. [3]

Shana, you should only write a 725-750 word essay if you have enough interesting information to share with the reviewer. At this point, you created a very wordy essay that is beautiful to read, but little informative to a very busy admissions officer tasked with reviewing your application. From the way that I read this essay, it could have easily, and more interestingly presented within the 650 - 675 word format.

Please remember, the quicker you can say what you want, the more assured you will be that the reviewer will finish reading your essay. The reviewer is after content in relation to presentation rather than wordiness in relation to creative writing. Try to keep your information presentation focused on the required elements provided in the prompt.

Be direct to the point. Don't force the reviewer to have to wade through a lengthy explanation because he will lose interest and set aside your essay for "future" reviewing. Which means he may or may not get back to it later on. When writing application essays, it is always best to keep it short and informative rather than long and creative.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay Question 2 - Protecting kids from owning cell phones with Internet access [3]

You wrote too many words for the Task 2 essay. The ideal, owing to editing requirements, is only within 250-300 words with 275 words being the most acceptable word count when considering the editing requirements. Use a timer next time you practice writing. You will see that you cannot complete over 300 words when writing under pressure.

The prompt you were provided with is a "direct question and response" prompt. As such, this is the only Task 2 essay that will allow you to begin your discussion within the prompt paraphrase. Therefore, rather than saying that you feel this way due to 2 reasons, you should instead, be indicating which point of view you think is better and why. So after saying that you agree that parents should not allow children to own smartphones, you should present the 2 reasons why that is so. The presentation should be:

... own smartphones. First because children are not mature enough to understand how to properly use a smartphone and second, children should only be allowed to use basic phone features for calling and texting.

After the complete presentation of your opinion as an overview response, you can use the next 2 reasoning paragraphs as you did in the essay that you wrote, to support the reasoning response you gave in the paraphrase.

You properly opened each paragraph with a subject sentence. That is good. You automatically showed the examiner that there is a clear topic to be discussed in each paragraph. The problem, is that you need to present that within only 5 sentences. No more than that or you will lose time for reviewing and editing your handwritten essay. The 5 sentences should cover:

1. Topic introduction (you already do this)
2. Supporting reason
3. Example
4. Explanation of example (optional)
5. Transition sentence (to introduce the next paragraph topic)

The above paragraph discussion content is applicable to all Task 2 essays, regardless of whether it is the 4 paragraph or 5 paragraph essay format. Your concluding summary is incomplete. The concluding summary must always include, for a Task 2 essay:

1. A repeat of the discussion prompt
2. Subject sentence 1
3. Subject Sentence 2
4. Personal Opinion
5. Closing sentence (optional)

Overall, you have written a very good essay that has mistakes which can easily be avoided in the future once you learn to properly format your essay discussions and control your content presentation. Overall, this is a very good first attempt at Task 2 essay writing.

Undergraduate / "Without any Expectations"- Motivational Statement Essay for Peace Corps Application [4]

Serena, professionally, I would say that you are qualified to become a Peace Corps volunteer based on what you have written. It is strong and shows that you will be a very useful asset to the program. However, your essay does not indicate a preparedness, both mentally, physically, and emotionally, to face the difficulties of becoming a Peace Corps member. In order to prove that you have the maturity to become a participant, you need to prove that you are capable of living in squalor, without money, and without proper living facilities. A Peace Corps volunteer needs to highlight a strength of character, based on the harsh working and living conditions one experiences during this time. You have to prove that you can manage to function without money and the comforts of modern life, because those will be sorely missing during your time as a volunteer. I don't see any sense of that sort of preparedness in this essay.

Like I said, you are professionally capable, but the essay shows that you many not be mature in the ways that matter to a Peace Corps volunteer. You need to write another version that better highlights your maturity on all fronts: personal, mental, physical, emotional, social, etc. All of which will help the reviewer assess your overall maturity and preparedness for one of the most difficult volunteer experiences a person can step forward to participate in.

Scholarship / Potential contribution that you'll make to international development if you're awarded a scholarship [4]

Akinsulire, your essay has the ability to respond to all the talking points of the prompt except one. You are not addressing the prompt instruction with regards to: How your proposed study relates to your chosen CSC Theme - Promoting Global Prosperity Without a direct response to this question, your presentation comes across as incomplete. I believe that you should free up the word count in your essay to give you room to fully discuss that topic by editing your first 2 paragraphs. Consolidate the discussion topics from the two paragraphs so that you will have room to represent the aforementioned prompt requirement in the middle of the essay. I would simplify that presentation by saying:

Nigeria became fully reliant on the oil trade for its economic survival in 1956. It has never veered from that path, which is why now that the need for oil worldwide is slowing down, our economy has followed suit. Due to the lack of attention to the development of internal economic sources, Nigeria finds itself at a crossroad that could easily be overcome through proper taxation and collection of locally based industries and foreign company investments in the country. I hope to help resolve this issue by becoming a taxation expert. Hence my desire to seek a masters degree in the field of (name of course).

By consolidating the meaning of the 2 paragraphs, you can now explain how your study can relate to "Promoting Global Prosperity"

You should also try to devote time to explaining what your dissertation will be about as a part of the study plan presentation. You should at least be clear about what the topic will be, the type of research you will complete, and how it can have an international application in the future. These specific information should remove the generalized and non-directed information in the essay to help it become more focused and content relevant with suitable possible applications on a national and international scale evident in your final copy.

Graduate / Motivation Letter - I am willing to apply to Erasmus Mundus Joint Masters Degree Program [2]

Makid, from what I can tell, this is an extremely long letter that does not have a true motivational concept. The reason that your essay failed to help your application is because you wrote a personal statement, not a motivational letter. The letter tried to cover some points but ended up overly representing and confusing discussion. It is an uneven and confusing discussion most of the time. This resulted in a blurred presentation of the required discussion points and a lack of clear understanding of what you were trying to inform the reviewer about.

The letter could have been helped by professional editing since a professional editor would be able to compress the information in a manner that would have been best suited for the prompt requirements. The letter suffers from a lack of focus and a more understandable per paragraph presentation. The reviewer probably found himself lost when it came to trying to decipher that whole point of your motivational letter, which resulted in the rejection of your application.

The motivational letter should be short, informative, and always on the mark in terms of discussion requirements. A short letter that achieves that will have a better chance for application consideration than a long but misdirected letter presentation.

Scholarship / CHANGE IS THE FIRST STEP TO SUCCESS: My value and belief_NTU scholarship essay [2]

Quan, in order to bring more clarity to your presentation, you need to kick off the essay with an explanation of how you built your ideology to create the belief that you should " Never stop challenging myself; change only comes when I accept challenges ". Open the essay with that ideology and how you apply it to your daily life as a part of the way you interact with people, apply it to your academics, and participate in community activities." That way the reviewer will have a very clear idea as to why you would consider holding on strongly to this ideology that you have.

Your first paragraph does not help you establish that basis and your second paragraph is too vague and short in explanation to help you build an acceptable and interesting discussion. I believe that you should write a new essay based on my suggested content to see if you can better develop your ideology as a part of a working beliefs and values system.

Writing Feedback / The extinction of animal species. What causes this? How to protect our fauna? [2]

Nella, please use a timer the next time you write a Task 2 practice essay. You will find that when writing under time constraints, you will not have the opportunity to write 329 words. The most you should write is 250-275 words. This allows you write enough words to aim for a high score across the board and offers you an opportunity to review your essay for conciseness, clarity, and other errors that may exist in your work. Remember, you need to perfect you presentation not only on a sentence structure basis, but also on a coherent and cohesive basis.

As for the essay itself, in relation to the provided prompt, I believe that you are not very good at developing sentence structures yet. You clearly made a mistake when you shared the original prompt here. You paraphrased the original prompt and made the presentation loose its sense of logic and clarity, You said:

The animal species are becoming extinct due to human activities on land in sea.

If something is already established as being land based, it cannot be "in sea" as well. The correct original prompt presentation should have been:

The animal species are becoming extinct due to human activities on land AND in the sea.

The original prompt was making a reference to the same activity occurring in 2 different areas, therefore the connecting word "and" was required for clarity and cohesiveness in that presentation. Now, I am not supposed to correct the prompt as you posted it but I really felt a need to do it in order to make you focus on the errors that happen even in unrelated practice situations as these have a direct bearing on your GRA abilities.

Your prompt paraphrase is short by 1 sentence so it does not meet the minimum sentence requirement of 3 sentences per paragraph. The more appropriate presentation would have been:

Groups of creatures are continuously being eradicated from both its continent and ocean homes. This is attributed to actions being undertaken by people that affect the natural habitat of the animals. Some of the activities that contribute to these results include forest destruction and water pollution. Some solutions that can be implemented include creating protected habitats and punishing companies or people who participate in water contamination activities.

This is a direct question essay that requires you to outline your discussion topics as direct responses to the questions provided. This is the only essay that allows you to begin your discussion, within 3-5 sentence, within the prompt paraphrase. You have to learn to say more with less words. If you write too many words, your essay will constantly suffer, as it does now, from clarity and conciseness issues. You are more focused on showing off your English vocabulary knowledge, which is useless if you cannot properly explain yourself to the reader. If the reader finds himself stressed out because of the lack of clear content presentation, then your overall score can be affected.

Remember, you are not writing a research paper. You are writing a paper that is based only on personal knowledge and experience. Where did these percentages come from? Don't research when writing the Task 2 practice essays. The actual test is pen and paper based. No computers, no internet, no research. Don't make the mistake of relying on research because you won't have a chance to do that. Rather use only your personal opinion for these types of discussions.

Graduate / I trust the future potential of Data Science, and I trust my own ability to excel at it. SOP [3]

Song, what you should be writing is a change of career statement of purpose. The aforementioned essay accomplishes 2 things for you:

1. It represents your original educational and career path up to the point where you decided that you had lost interest in it or that you would like to pursue a related career path under a different focus;

2. It helps you better indicate the development of the purpose for your higher studies within the new career avenue you have chosen.

Based on the essay that you have presented, you can create a more focused SOP if you based its development on the following usable paragraphs: 3,2,6,5, in that specific order. Redevelop the paragraphs in terms of expanded information regarding your desire to change career paths. Offering specific information regarding the epiphany that you had over a course of time that led to this realization.

Make sure that you leave even word count to represent the explanation fo your university choice as it aligns with your 5 year career plan and your essay should be set as a new draft that can again be reviewed for content relevance and presentation strength.

Graduate / LOI for MA in Economics and Finance - about myself, my goal, why master's program, etc. [3]

James, there is a lack of advanced planning in your letter of motivation. While I understand the background story that you presented, it took over more than half the essay. When more than half the essay should have been dedicated to explaining your intentions for your future career as a CFA, in relation to the program, courses, and training you can receive if you are admitted to the university. The last part of the essay, paragraph 4 to be exact, delivers part of the information that a letter of intent should cover. That means, you need to work on the first half of the letter or, you have to produce 3 paragraphs before the 4th one to better explain your letter of intent. The paragraphs can contain the following (suggested) information:

1. A more definitive narration of how your interest in financial investments developed. The age reference is lacking in the original presentation. So the reader has no idea what age you were and why you were so affected by what you heard going on with your parents investments. BTW, remove the "etc." reference, that is not academic in approach. Simply end the sentence to make your point.

2. Explain how your current work exposure has motivated you to pursue higher academic learning. What is it about your job that you would consider the catalyst that sparked your interest in higher studies?

3. What motivated you to choose this university for your masters course? How does the university teaching program align with your work experience and educational background so that you came to believe that the course you are interested in studying can further motivate your interests to become a CFA?

These additional information should help to clarify and strengthen this presentation. It will come across as you having valid and strong intentions for your desire to become a highly educated and well-skilled CFA in the future.

Scholarship / My love for chemistry and personal investment in biology and medicine, Ph.D. in pharmacology [2]

Hi Kylie, I really believe that the last 2 paragraphs of your essay more than accurately responds to the prompt requirements. It has a more impressive representation of how your interest in Science grew and evolved over time due to personal reasons. Your story of pain management is something that could definitely be a catalyst for an interest in science and pain prevention. You did a good job of making that connection between your personal story and science. Good job!

Don't use the first paragraph because the interest you speak of is too juvenile to be taken seriously as a pivotal moment in the development of your scientific interest. At the age of 6, you were just naturally curious but it was not really related to science in a manner that could help create a more impressive response. Losing it created the stronger response presentation which also created a more interesting presentation.

Change the timeline reference for the last paragraph though. You speak of things in past tense when you should be presenting the information in current form. Present tense. You could even use future tense presentations in this paragraph since it asks about the current areas of science that interest you the most. That change in reference discussion will further strengthen the presentation and create a cohesive response presentation that the reviewer will be interested to read about.

Undergraduate / JHU Supplemental Essay - an impact by collaboration with others [2]

Hi Leyla. I have to say, this essay really hit the mark when considering the prompt requirements. It is highly engaging and interesting to read. More importantly, you showed the reviewer how you developed a unique mindset based on your collaborative experience. The reviewer will definitely enjoy reading this essay and will most likely be impressed why the information you shared. You may want to explain what the disease is all about though, just in case the reviewer is not familiar with it. It will help to explain your desire to function well with the group even though you don't really look forward to group projects.

You may want to clean up a few sentence structure errors though. Just small stuff such as:

And most importantly - Most importantly (Don't use a connecting word to start a sentence in an academic essay)

Everything else about the presentation is impressive and should help move your application forward for better consideration.

Undergraduate / To be a part of the introduction of sustainable and affordable biotechnology, the International Plan [2]

Ibukun, what is the maximum word count for this essay? The reason I ask is because you need to balance the discussion to represent both your interest in coding and biology. Each should cover one paragraph and then, by the third paragraph, you should be explaining what your tailored major could be called and how you hope to complete it at Georgia Tech. Right now, there is a gap in your explanation so the sudden entrance of biology as part of your tailored course came as a surprise and did not really blend well with the overall presentation. Then, expand your interest in the International Plan. What can you contribute to the program? Offer that information to support the idea that you hope to learn something from your participation in that learning exercise. Building on these aspects of the essay should help strengthen your presentation and add to the clarity of your purpose for choosing the university. I think that it is pretty obvious that you will need to revise the total presentation, with the maximum word count firmly planted in your mind as the maximum presentation requirement of your essay.

Undergraduate / Identify one piece in your portfolio that you are most passionate about, tell us the story behind it [2]

Hannah, every painting has a story. The Mona Lisa depicts the story of a shy woman with a beautiful secret hidden within her eyes. While other say it is a self-portrait of the author. The painting of Napoleon with his hand tucked into his uniform is said to tell the story of indigestion (I'm kidding!). Every painting has a story behind it. The inspiration behind the model is often the most interesting part of the presentation.

The inspiration behind the painting is not well told. That is the story that the prompt is asking you to tell. What was it about the pumpkins that gave you the idea to paint the piece? What ran through your mind as you looked at the pumpkins on sale. What memories did it evoke? How did that translate into the final piece? To drive the story home, you could tell an anecdote or two about what people who saw your painting said about it and what sort of stories it created for them to tell. You could close the essay with that reference.

The essay is not focused on your procedure, it is focused on your story. That is what you have to talk about. The idea is to give the reviewer an idea as to what sort of visuals tend to inspire you. The interest of the essay does not include the procedure at this time.

Scholarship / Common wealth development impact essay [5]

Shaame, you were being asked to write a study plan, but you created a motivational essay instead. Those are two different essays governed by two different sets of prompts. As it is, I cannot tell you to simply use less prepositional phrases or long complex sentences because you did not write the correct essay with regards to the prompt requirements. There is no sense in editing the content of an essay that does not deliver a study plan for your masters thesis based upon the required information. The reviewer will be using the prompt statement to assess the validity of your essay.

Once he reads this response, he will realize that you did not understand the prompt requirements, which is why you did not deliver the correct response nor use the guide questions in the development of your essay. The result will be the automatic rejection of your application based on your inability to follow English instructions. This essay shows that you will not perform well as a student in the university so they will not accept you as an applicant.

Write a new essay that responds to each question in an outline form. List your reasons based on the prompt requirements first, then expand those into relevant discussion paragraphs. Then come back here to have your essay assessed once again for prompt responsiveness. Think of the focus of your studies in terms of field of interest in relation to:

1. Your ambition for your country
2. Your professional goals
3. Your academic goals

What is the specific field of interest that you will focus on during your time studying. It cannot be a general reference because of the target audience, usability, possible outcomes, timeline, and impact measurement specifications of the essay. These are the reasons why I cannot approve the use of this essay for the series of prompts indicated. You really have a very strong tendency to wander when discussing and these wandering moments are what created the problem with your prompt presentation, weakening it and blurring your discussion. The entire essay can use clarity in terms of discussion.

You somewhat responded to the first 5 prompts, all of which require more specific content development in terms of prompt responsiveness. The last 2 prompts, which are the most important parts are not represented in the essay discussion. You will need to write new paragraphs for those required responses. Keep it short, keep it informative, don't over-discuss. Start with a subject sentence to help you stay on track with your paragraph discussions.

Writing Feedback / Should authorities spend money on transportation infrastructure investments or not? [2]

Minh, there are instances when writing that the composer of the text needs to use simpler language to create a well written sentence. In the case of "... taxpayers frequently use", the more appropriate word to use is "often" as the latter word makes the text easier to understand and respond to on the reader's side.

Using concise language also pays off better for the writer as it delivers a more appropriate and formal discussion presentation. That is the situation in the reference to; "As a consequence the number of cars..." The more acceptable presentation is "Therefore, the number of cars" or "Consequently, the number of cars..."

Also consider using more descriptive adjectives such as "monetary loss" instead of " financial loss". Remember, the simple English expressions, when done properly can earn you a higher score than trying to show off using complex words that cause undue stress for the reader.

Try to use more concise language in your essay as well. For example, when you say "the authority should spend..." there is a lack of proper reference as to who the "authority" is. However, had you said "the national government should spend..." the reader immediately knows who the authority being referenced is. These types of small word choice clarity presentation results in more cohesive paragraphs.

Your prompt paraphrase is incomplete and creates a prompt diversion in the essay. Always discuss the essay as indicated:

Discussion Instruction: Discuss both view and give your opinion
Your Outline Response: I still believe that both car owner and government have an important road to play in this matter.

Hence the prompt deviation on your part which would make the essay fail in the task accuracy section, thus failing the whole test when you consider the grammar and sentence structure errors indicated above which will also result in low scores on a per consideration basis. The correct instruction paraphrase is:

For this essay, both sides will considered in terms of merits to help me create an educated opinion of the discussion topic.

Based on your prompt discussion, you are only discussing a personal opinion throughout creating a 2 reasoning paragraph discussion when it should have been a 3 paragraph reasoning discussion. Therefore, the essay you wrote does not deliver the expected requirements for this type of discussion instruction.

Undergraduate / A time, in or outside the classroom, when you worked with others and what you learned from this [3]

Momina, the first thing I would change about the referencing in this essay is the way that you always refer to your sister and yourself. Since your sister is not an applicant to the university and the focus of the reviewer is only on you, as the applicant, I would rephrase the essay to focus on my participation in The Ploy, limiting the reference to the dual roles by mentioning it only in specific instances as related to the "collaboration aspect". I would not mention your sister as often as you do in this essay.

Remember that the focus of the essay is "...what you learned from the experience." There is no "WE" in the lesson learned prompt only "I" so your response should represent the collaboration with the focus on your participation in it. The revision should keep the touching and moving essence of the original presentation. I realize that you have submitted the very same essay to the other universities without edits so you can consider accepting my advice or not. I would just like to remind you of the prompt wording because that is what the reviewer is interested in.

Graduate / SOP for admission in a course of statistics & machine learning [2]

Rakhshanda, this sounds more like a college statement of purpose than a masters degree sop presentation. There is very little evidence that you have the intellectual ability to undertake such a complicated masters course at this time. Yes, that is even with the complicated sounding masters thesis and name dropping of your professor. By the way, if the professor is not your referee, it's best not to mention his name since he cannot attest to the validity of your claims regarding your relationship with him as a professor to student.

You need to create a justification regarding the relationship of your undergraduate course with your interest in Machine Learning. While you have several computer related math subjects, you should highlight which classes resulted in your highest grades and how the course has helped lay out a foundation for your studies in ML. Prove that you have applicable Math training. Depict the connection between the two.

Next, how does your master thesis relate to ML? Where does graph labeling come into the picture? Why should the reviewer be impressed that you were able to create this thesis? Again, create the connection between ML and your master thesis.

How does being a teacher have a relevance to ML? Your paragraph separates itself from any connection to ML which is more data science / analytical / big data use centered? How will your teaching skills be improved by this program?

More importantly, how does your choice of university lend itself to your professional goals? It is not enough that you explained your future career plan. You must connect it with the university course program and training opportunities. How will the university help fulfill both your advanced academic and professional goals?

You will need to revise about 90% of the essay in order to make it more masters SOP responsive. Your current paper is informative but not in a manner that truly explains a graduate student's interest in MS studies.

Grammar, Usage / Use of first person in essay regarding humans [3]

Mich, it really depends upon the type of research paper that you are writing. If it is a personal opinion research paper, then it is alright to refer to first person pronouns once in a while. While academic research papers would rather that you do not use any pronouns at all to dissipate any bias in the reporting, I can understand why this might be difficult for you to do. Research writers who play safe tend to refer to a thesaurus instead. It helps them skip pronoun usage while varying the reference to "humans" or "human beings" in the paper. If you are worried about the pronoun use, then I think the latter is the way for you to in referencing your paper. It will help to increase the writing profile of the research and deliver the idea that you spent a great amount of time in researching, developing, and finalizing the details of your paper. You could instead say that "Individuals are to blame" or "People are to blame". That way you refer to the specific cause without creating a bias in the presentation by involving yourself as a part of the reference point.

Scholarship / Tourism- the key to cultural coherence; being a great participant in the Global UGRAD Program [2]

Inoya, your third paragraph is not well developed. The grammar is imperfect and as such, created a confusing and pointless presentation. What exactly are you trying to say in this paragraph? What does languages have to do with your degree in Digital Marketing and tourism? Your explanations in the paragraph come across as choppy and difficult to understand. You should rewrite the whole paragraph so that you will have a chance to better explain what you mean in this paragraph.

As an exchange student, you should discuss what you have to offer the program as well. From the program participants culture exchange, to your social motivation for participating in the program can help develop the interest of the reviewer in your essay. The more unique your contribution, the more memorable your essay will be to the reviewer.

You don't really convince me, as a reviewer, that I can rely on your word that you will return to your home country at the end of the program. That is the weakest part of the essay so you will need to create a more believable and established statement that tells me, as the reviewer, that you have a reason to return to your home country and that you will not try to use the program to stay beyond the program schedule in the United States. Convince me that your participation in this program will have an actual use for you either academically or professionally which will result in your eventual return to your country once the semester is over.

The essay is lopsided in terms of discussion. You need to balance the "what I have to gain" with "what I have to offer" as a participant. That way the essay will be better aligned with the essay information requirements.

Graduate / Writing a motivational letter to Tribos- ERASMUS programme in Tribology of Surfaces. [4]

Take your university experience at the training lab during your thesis research and frame it into a strength that ties in directly with the requirements of your chosen program. Use the skills that you developed in both practical and theoretical aspects to highlight your skills as both a student, researcher, and trained person. Use the term trained person because that is not a professional experience, it can be considered more of a skills development aspect of your education which should help highlight your skills and training to complete the program. If you can relate it to specific program requirements then all the better. The professional aspect is not really a requirement, but it could have helped to increase your related skills and program coordinated considerations. It's not a big deal if you cannot present it. I was just thinking of ways that you could make your essay more interesting and thus, memorable to the reviewer.

Undergraduate / Personal Statement for Undergraduate Program in Computer Science [2]

Mohammed, the essay works but could be improved. The last part about the choice of university, makes this decision sound so light and trivial on your part. You need to deal with that part with as much seriousness as you did the personal information presentation. You have the opportunity to cut down on the personal aspect of the development of your interest in computer programming. Compress the paragraphs that are related to shorten these and allow you to have an additional word count to explain why you chose the university that you did.

Expand on the diversity program of the university which, I believe was the final consideration you had for choosing the university. Explain why you believe the school is perfect when it comes to your academic considerations. Perhaps discuss specific training programs, internships, and course offerings that strengthened your belief that the university will best prepare you to achieve your professional goals. Then explain what your professional goals are which finalized your university choice. Once you balance the discussion the essay should be in a better draft position for you to begin editing into a final form.

Graduate / Writing a motivational letter to Tribos- ERASMUS programme in Tribology of Surfaces. [4]

You have written a very strong academic background essay, but it does not provide the required information for an Erasmus Mundus motivational letter. You should have only taken several notable aspects from your undergraduate education that would have proven the complementing aspects of your undergraduate studies with the course requirements of the masters program.

Aside from that, you should also have indicating some professional reference in your essay that could have shown the relation of your professional interest to the program. Explain your professional skills as they relate to your interest in the program and how it proves that you are a strong candidate for the program. Once you combine your academic and professional strengths, you consideration points will be more considerable. While your internship skills and experience with Dr. Manavasagam are notable, a more realistic profession relate explanation would have created a more convincing motivation for your desire for higher studies. What is it that you want to do in the future? What factors led to that motivation?

I want to read information about your education, internships, professional experience, and motivations that pops on the page. I want information that makes you a memorable applicant. I need information that is not uniform when compared to the other applicants. Your current motivational letter doesn't stand out because of the sole focus on education without relating it to the program requirements. Once you balance those presentation points, the essay just might pop and become impressive enough to use as your application motivational letter.

Undergraduate / What are your artistic interests/goals? Advice on CalArts artist statements. [3]

Hannah, I think that you should revise the first half of the essay to give what you went through a name, body shaming. Use that term to refer to what you were going through instead of the extremely long and unimaginative explanation that you gave in this version. When you say "body shaming", the reviewer will immediately know what it is about, what you went through, what you are still going through, and why you should be admired for getting this far in your quest to give yourself a voice and opinion through your art and pastry art. These should represent the issues and concerns that inform your art-making practice. It is easier to build your explanation when you use terms that most readers will be familiar with without requiring you to explain about it in detail as you do now.

Don't focus your artistic interests and goals only on yourself. Try to explain how you would like to use your personal story to aid other women who may have fallen into the body shaming trap. What is your artistic interest? Is it to learn to draw "real" people? Is the goal to help women not fall into the same trap that you did? If so, how do you plan to do that through art or edible art?

Your essay has great potential. I hope to review your revised essay once you get it done. For this essay, I would aim to write about 500 words instead. Your discussion is running too long and shows that you are not really sure about what to write about. This sounds more like you are still outlining and drafting your potential essay rather than reviewing a potential finished product. Aim for a more cohesive presentation based on the prompt requirements. Don't overexplain, just explain in simple terms. The reviewer will appreciate that.

Scholarship / Personal statement for pursuing a joint masters in Tourism Development and Culture in UK [2]

Patricia, don't exaggerate in your essays, reviewers hate that. Sentiments such as "the best decision I made in my life" tend to be a general statement that doesn't explain why this was the best decision. While you do have a relevant degree to the field you wish to be admitted into, you are not really making yourself stand out in terms of how you academically achieved during your undergraduate years. Any honors and recognitions during that time will be seen as a strength that could make you a good candidate for the program and also, show that you will be a logical candidate for continuing education under the program.

You need to create a more solid connection between your undergraduate studies and the program offerings. Don't place that information in a parenthesis. This is an academic essay, not a casual essay. For every program point, there needs to be a corresponding undergraduate course or program participation which can help strengthen the idea that your undergraduate program has given you the type of qualifying experience and education that will tie directly into the specific program requirements.

It is not enough to say that you love learning and that education is related to personal development. That is the most tired reference that all student applicants make when applying for admission into a program or when they want to win a scholarship. The reference to Nelson Mandela doesn't help because the reviewer wants to hear your words, your ideas, your theories, your dedication to education, not Nelson Mandela's, regardless of how much you identify with what he said.

While your academic recognition is solid, it is not impressive. Every other candidate for this program will claim the same achievements. The only way to make this essay more notable is by delivering on the training experiences. Your reference to your trainee experience is not developed to the point of impressiveness. You make this sound like an everyday occurrence instead of a notable achievement on your part. You need to impress the reviewer, so expand on it. Discuss your accomplishments as a trainee, don't just say that you were a marketing trainee. What did you learn during this period of learning that stuck with you and further enhanced your love for tourism? Why was this experience important to you? Why should the reviewer consider this a notable reference on your part?

You cannot say that you are a good candidate for the scholarship because of your love for learning and education. Those are the worst reasons you can give because it is so generic, every student is making that implication in their essays. Connect the reason instead to your professional goals for the tourism industry in your country. That will work better in this instance. Work on convincing the reviewer that you have valid academic and professional goals that will result in a positive development for the tourism industry in your country. Your current reasoning is not strong enough. I hope you can revise the essay to make your reference points stronger in presentation.

Writing Feedback / People cannot eliminate the habit of smoking [5]

A "cancer stick" is a slang English term. That is not acceptable in formal English which is a requirement for academic vocabulary. Since you did not know that, you used the term in such a way that caused confusion for the reader. Listen, don't just open a thesaurus and use whatever word looks impressive to you. Consider the setting by which you will use the word. If it is a slang term, do not use it. You want to show academic vocabulary, not street English vocabulary.

In this instance, all references for a cigarette that exist stem from the slang alternative of the word which was used informally to create codes to identify cigarettes and smoking during a time when this type of smoking was unacceptable in a formal or informal social setting. Therefore, the term does not have a formal English word equivalent. Hence the actual word for the item "cigarette" should be used to refer to it at all times.

The only alternative word that comes to my mind that you can use as an alternative term is "cigar" which is a rolled bundle of dried and fermented tobacco leaves made to be smoked. Now, a cigar, which is a formal and more exclusive type of cigarette, has more formal English alternative words as cigars are the tobacco of choice for the elite and well educated members of society. You could have used the alternative words for cigar in place of "cigarette" in this instance.

Street English vocabulary has no place in an academic setting and, as you saw for yourself, could result in problems with your formal academic writing requirements. Make sure you stick to non-slang, academic only, formal English vocabulary for this test. Remember, it is a test that you are taking to prove that you have a grasp of the formal academic English that you will be using as a student in the UK, Canada, or Australia.. Slang English will not help increase your C&C, LR, and GRA scores, specially when you know you might not be using it in the proper context. I am merely offering a word of caution. Take it as you will.

Writing Feedback / People cannot eliminate the habit of smoking [5]

You need to add a reference to reasoning with regards to your second sentence. A clearer presentation would be: ... as the major reasons why people cannot stop the negative activity that is detrimental to their health. "

Do not focus on cancer as a part of the discussion. This is not a health related discussion. Just a negative habit discussion. Therefore, you should not deviate from it being a simple negative activity. You are proposing a prompt deviation in this paragraph which alters the rest of the discussion from simple reasons that young adults are fond of smoking to the results of smoking. Only reasons why adolescents are enticed to smoke should be presented in this essay.

Learn to use transition sentences midstream so to create a more coherent presentation. For the first reasoning paragraph, I would have transitioned by saying; "Aside from the negative influence of their peers, the affordability of cigarettes make smoking a cheap past-time for the youth....Considering the cheap price of cigarettes, the government should be involved in an effort to minimize smoking."

The above presentation uses 2 important elements in academic grammar writing:

1. The transition sentence in the middle that allows you to discuss 2 ideas in one paragraph rather than 1 topic per paragraph
2. The smooth transition into the next paragraph which introduces the next topic before the full discussion in order to prepare the reader for the change in discussion.

This is one of your better and more improved attempts as Task 2 writing. I believe you have the potential to do better based on this exercise. Keep up the good work. You are getting close to a higher than simply passing score at this point.

Undergraduate / What is important to me? PROTECTING OUR NATURE AND ENSURING ANIMAL WELFARE [6]

I would not want to confuse the reviewer by using dividers to create choices in the presentation. You are writing this essay, make that decision for yourself. That should not be something turned into a "choose the correct answer" for the reviewer. Pick the meaning of the sentence and use the proper word for your presentation. Presentation wise, you should remember that punctuation is very important when writing these response essays because a foreign student aiming to enroll overseas, in an English speaking country, you have to prove that you know the grammar rules that they follow. The sentence should have been presented more properly as :

So have I, but..."

BTW, all singular I letters in any presentation is considered a first person pronoun and should be capitalized. Additionally, when you say "numerous" you mean a plural reference to "more than one" so "petition" should be in plural form as well and presented as "petitions". There is also a present determiner problem in the essay. When the word sounds like a vowel, use the determiner "an" before it. You made that mistake in the presentation of "...in a (an) oath..." Please add a comma after the word "So" as that is required when referencing and introductory element.

Additional grammar corrections:

- ... and soon, I will be a grammar coordinator...
- Do not start any sentence with the connecting word "because" as that is not connecting 2 ideas in one sentence. You can start with "Besides trees, wild animals..."

- Do not use contractions in an academic statement presentation. Say "they are" instead of "they're". In fact the correct presentation is "They have taken an oath to..."

- ... their demand, but...
- Again, do not start a sentence with connecting words like "because" or "and".
- Wrong determiner usage ; "it is game over".
- Text spelling is definitely not allowed! "we ARE no exception..."
- ... ancient time till now, in the age of gadgets , we are ...

Add a closing statement that better closes the essay with a statement that circles back to the reason why this is important to you. The essay has the look and feel of an open ended, rather than concluded essay at the moment.

Undergraduate / They say that I'm the one who does crazy stuff with Electricity; Tell us about who you are essay [2]

Oops! Nischay, you were off to a good start till you got to the part after your friend's description of who you are. This is a not a first person essay, this is a second person representation of your strengths as a person, along with a reference to your strong and weak points as others see it (if possible). There are also 2 missing reference points in this essay. You are not telling the reviewer who you are as a child from your parents point of view (these could be related to a character discussion focusing on your strengths as a child and a comical look at what drives your parents crazy about you), and the community (this could be the discussion that could relate to the first person reference of something you are proud of about yourself). Revise the essay to showcase the addition of the 2 missing references to better address the prompt requirements.

Writing Feedback / Write about a journey where you got lost to send to the magazine. [3]

Hi Nicole, it appears that you have confused some of the commonly used English words in your essay. "turn round" does not make sense because "round" is the depiction of a circular shape. "Turn around" means to create a circle that connects back to a certain point, thus creating a full circle. You also need to be careful of the conjunction portions of your sentences such as when you said "occupied and my deposit..." a comma should have been placed between "occupied, and my deposit..." The comma indicates the combining of 2 connected ideas in one sentence.

Then there is the mistake about when to use "a" or "an" in a sentence. When a word starts with a vowel sound the determiner "an" is always used, just as the determiner "a" is used for consonant sounding words. You also need to brush up on your vocabulary. Make sure that the words you use are found in the English dictionary and that it makes sense when used in a sentence. There is no such word as "woth". It appears that you were trying to use the term "with" instead. Proofreading your paper after you have completed the draft should help you avoid these common errors. The same goes for the words "tranditional, ourself (should be ourselves), as well as a spelling difference for the word center, which is the American English spelling that has the UK English counterpart "centre".

Your narrative has much more sentence structure errors which comes from your being an ESL user. There are too many of them to give you free advice on at this point. However, I would like to point out that if you continue to familiarize yourself with English sentence structures through the use of American and/or British reading materials, this problem should clear itself up in no time. The good news, is that even with all of the grammatical and sentence structure errors involved, you were able to tell your story in a manner that the reader could easily decipher due to the use of proper clue words in your essay.

I have to tell you though, the essay took too long to get to the point. As a reader, I did not need the detailed description of your visit, what I needed was a simple backstory then a focus on how you got lost and what happened because you got lost. Next time, write an overview introduction for the non-essential story representation, before launching into the central storyline.

Undergraduate / Common application essay - When that Eisenbahn hit me [3]

Arthur, your mother's alcoholism and that particular day that you had to deal with it has taken over the whole essay. While I understand that this background is something that had a direct effect on your life, you need to showcase it in a manner that allows you to become the center of the presentation rather than your mother. In fact, I do not consider this a relevant background, or identity story based on the prompt requirements. Maybe you have not chosen the right prompt for your chosen topic, which still need to be revised anyway. I think that a revised version of this essay would be a better fit for the following prompt:

Discuss an accomplishment, event, or realization that sparked a period of personal growth and a new understanding of yourself or others.

I would consider this an event that helped you learn something new about yourself and others because you chose to deal with the problem by exposing yourself to peers who needed your help, but who actually improved because of your participation in their lives. This essay clearly shows that the event sparked a period of personal growth on your part which led to your understanding of others or, most specifically, your mother's health problems and how it affected you.

You may also opt to keep this essay in its original form. If so, then the go to prompt would be:

Share an essay on any topic of your choice. It can be one you've already written, one that responds to a different prompt, or one of your own design.

You don't need to come up with a prompt for this essay, just a relevant title that will explain what the topic is and what the outcome of the experience was. You will need to think of a creative and interesting title for this essay if you want to use it in this current form. By the way, you misspelled psychologist in the essay.

Move the discussion focus away from your mother and lean more towards discussing your reaction to the situation, lessons learned, how you applied it, and what you learned about others. Remember, your mother is not the applicant so she should not be the major character in the application essay response.

Undergraduate / Bakery and recipes - WASHU SUPPLEMENTAL ESSAY [4]

Hannah, I have had students who did not listen to me when I advised them to not keep writing about a singular topic for each common app essay they were responding to. You see, the common app essay was created with the purpose of getting to know the student based on various levels of life experience, academic interests, hobbies, skills, and any other possible topic that will help the reviewer get to know the well-rounded person that the applicant is. As such, it is important that you do not beat the topic of "art" to death by discussing it in every common app prompt. If you keep writing about art, then the reviewer will not get to know you beyond that interest, which will result in a weak application consideration for yourself. Life isn't just about art and your responses to the common app prompts should reflect that diversity in experience and interests. When you focus only on one topic throughout the prompt presentations, the admission committee tends to believe that you are not a good fit for the university, due to the lack of intellectual and social maturity on your part (as implied by the singular focus on a topic throughout the prompt discussions) which could then lead to the rejection of your application.

Always change up the topic from art to a life experience, a non- art related hobby, an interest that diverges from art (baking not being one of them based on what you have written above). It could be about a sport, an interest in a specific television program/movie/book series, a personal cause that has led to some volunteering on your part, or anything else of a similar design to my aforementioned descriptions. Pick an activity that you pursue in addition to art for this discussion. Your baking essay doesn't really show a keen interest in this activity and, you still unconsciously connected the discussion to art. So I do not think this essay will work toward your benefit once the reviewer reads it.

Scholarship / Undegraduate/Scholarship/ - Difficulties I have overcome - the door to my inside world [2]

Karina, this over dramatized essay is not speaking of the correct topic. The prompt is only asking about any "financial or social difficulties, physical or emotional adversities which might have hindered you from studying during middle and high school" that you had to overcome. The death of your father is an acceptable topic. The leaving of your mother to support the family, also acceptable. Getting kicked out of school, an important topic that should definitely be covered in this essay. However, your quest to be accepted in UNIST, which is related to your undergraduate / college education, is overkill and is not part of the required discussion parameters. You are not supposed to discuss any situation beyond middle and high school. Take the reference to your quest for acceptance to UNIST out of this essay and focus on developing your personal strength based on the references I mentioned which are acceptable for the discussion. Stick to middle and high school. That is all that is required. Don't waste the reviewer's time reading irrelevant material, it may just lead him to reject your application because you showed that you cannot follow instructions. Which means you are not prepared to go to college just yet and that you are not skilled enough to receive a scholarship either.

Undergraduate / GWU Supplement Prompt 1 - how would you change the course of history? [2]

Lelya, since the prompt indicates that the student of GWU interact with policy makers and world leaders, the aim of changing the course of history is not to make sure the country wins the war. Rather, the aim will be to have a peaceful resolution to any potential conflict that brought about the invasion in the first place. Consider the historical reasons for the invasion of your country and then think of alternative ways that it could have been avoided either through a peace treaty, a UN resolution, an MOU between the two countries, building of trade relations, or some other aspects of peaceful co-existence that could have prevented the invasion and potential change in government from democratic to socialist. The whole essay is out of line with regards to the prompt requirements. In my opinion, you should not proceed with developing this essay because it does not use peace as a method of preventing an invasion. It is the peaceful creation and implementation of policies and agreements between nations and world leaders that can accomplish that. Not preparing for armed conflict as you suggest in the essay. That goes directly against the basis of the prompt.

Writing Feedback / Ielts writing task 2: buying products from other countries. [4]

Nicoel, you should aim for clear and concise writing at all times. Do not try to meet the word count by using more words, that will not help increase your scores. Instead, discuss your paragraphs using clear words that show an advanced grasp of the English language. Rather than saying "are now able to", go for the short but clear alternative "can now buy goods..." The increase in your score does not come from a high word usage, it comes from how well you are able to express yourself clearly in English using the proper words.

Now, you created a prompt deviation in your discussion. Remember, the question being asked is:

... to what extent do the benefits of this development outweigh the problem?

Therefore, the response to the question is:

The advantages presented by this shopping situation far outweighs the possible negative effects.

There is no need for an apostrophe after the word "countries", you are merely presenting the plural form of country, you are not making an ownership statement which is when the apostrophe is often used. You have also misrepresented a word in that you referred to "standers" when you meant to say "Standards." Please develop your English vocabulary so that you will not make mistakes in word usage and references in the future. These will have a direct deductible effect on your LR score. Also, "geometric" is a term related to geometry measurements. Your term should have been "geological" which means land location. There are several other word usage errors in this essay that create confusion and stress when reading your essay. This will result in a lower GRA score.

Now, it is not my duty to explain each and every word mistake in your essay so let me just say this, always refer to a dictionary when writing your practice test to make sure you are using the correct word for the sentiment you wish to convey. If possible, make the English dictionary your bible, your bedtime reading. That is the best way to familiarize yourself with English words and its meanings. Read it from cover to cover until you have the words and meanings memorized by heart.

I cannot continue to review your essay at this point because of the problems with your word usage. I strongly suggest that you do better with word usage in your next practice test. Do not try to use words you are unsure of, just use words you are sure means what you want to say. Otherwise, you risk failing due to C&C, LR, and GRA problems.

Let me close on this note instead. You are allowed a maximum of 5 paragraphs for any given Task 2 discussions. If you feel that you can cover 5 paragraphs for a given discussion then that is alright. It will even increase your scoring considerations overall because you get to show your English writing skills to a greater extent. While this could have been done in 4 paragraphs, 5 is not a problem in terms of presentation. That choice, regarding the paragraph count is left to the discretion of the writer. As long as you write a minimum of 2 reasoning paragraphs, your reasoning considerations will be fine and acceptable to the examiner.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 - Many parents believe that their children should read only serious, educational books. [3]

Ji, please remember the English capitalization rule regarding the use of the letter I. When used to refer do oneself, it must always be written in capital form. There are also the small spelling differences between UK and American English. They often add the letter "U" to the words that they spell, which make it different from American English. Therefore, it is "colour" nor "color", "colouring" instead of "coloring". It is also more appropriate to say "and they do not get bored" as opposed to "but also they do not be bored."

It appears that you were lax in your proofreading as well. You did not catch that the word "bu" does not make sense. What exactly where you trying to say? There is also the missing comma that is required after the introduction when you said "Thus, reading..." There is always a comma after the word "Thus" when used as an introductory element. You really need to be more careful when it comes to your English grammar rules. You only capitalize the first word of a sentence, not the first 2 words. So you cannot say "Also, For" as the second word needs to be written in lowercase.

You need a refresher course with regards to English grammar and sentence structures. Your build up for errors in that regard will result in a significant lowering of your GRA score during the actual test. Good job with writing more than the word count though. It is enough to help you get a better scoring consideration overall and also allows you to have ample time to review your presentation for spelling errors and presentation issues.

In the prompt paraphrase, since you already delivered a direct response to the question, there is no need to say that you will explain your reasons and opinion in the essay. That is already a given since you responded to the question . You should only include a statement about what you will be discussing in the essay if you are using a comparative opinion essay format.

While your essay has grammatical imperfections and lacks fluency in most of its presentation, you managed to make yourself understood for a majority of the essay presentation. That is half the battle done. It would also be better if you practice using transition sentences at the end of the reasoning paragraphs to introduce the next topic then using a topic sentence to start the next paragraph instead of counting your reasons. Using the transition method of discussion will help to increase your GRA score.

The other problem your essay had towards the end is that rather than summarizing the discussion points as required for the concluding summary, you continued to discuss the essay, which created an open ended rather than closed discussion. As such, the essay appears to be under developed and little discussed. Next time, just summarize the prompt, your reasons, and your opinion as the closing statement of the essay.

Overall, this is a good first attempt at Task 2 writing. I hope to see continued improvement in your writing skills over the coming days with your succeeding practice essays. I will be here to guide you every step of the way for as long as you need me to.

Undergraduate / To spend a study semester in the USA - Global Undergraduate exchange program essay [2]

Yaroslav, not all of the information in this essay can be used for the prompt requirement. Let me point out the paragraphs that you can use as the basis for your new essay. The changes can be based on paragraphs 3,5,4, in that order. After you revise the essay to use those 3 paragraphs for the basis of your skills as a student and how you plan to spend your time as a student, you will need to indicate a clear desire to return to the Ukraine after the semester abroad is over. You have not done that in this essay so it seems like you plan in staying in the US after the semester is completed.

Your reason for returning to the Ukraine is unacceptable as it is too simple and vague in reference. You need to have a solid post study plan for your return home presented in this essay. If possible connect your plans as a student and teacher with your desire to return to the Ukraine at the end of the academic year. You have to be very clear that the skills you will be building upon will be useful to your country and its students which is why you do not have a desire to stay in the USA longer than it takes to complete the semester.

Remember, you need to present a strong essay that indicates your desire to put what you will learn to good use and also, that you hope to become a bridge between the Ukraine and the USA by introducing Ukrainian culture to your classmates and then introducing the US culture to the Ukrainians upon your return to your home country.

Undergraduate / Thermodynamics class - Brown ESSAYS [2]

Alexandra, you are not directly responding to the prompt. The reviewer could care less about the stem class taught by a woman of the experience of Alicia that made her enjoy her time at Brown. Those people are not the ones applying for admission through this essay, you are. Therefore, you must refer to your desire to experience a Brown education, a Brown student life, and the Brown community participant as an on-campus resident or off-campus resident who will be active in the extra curricular activities the university has to offer. The part of this essay that you can use, the part about:

As a member of the Brown community, ...a life of exploration.

needs to be strengthened because the foundation of your participation is weak. It is too hypothetical in presentation. Try to find out information about the Brown activities that you would be interested in participating in, what sort of participation can you contribute in terms of your skills, talents, or community organizer talents? Do you want to start your own organization? Do you want to join student politics? Do you wish to become a member of a certain organization? If yes, then explain why.

Unfortunately, you did not respond at all to the Brown Open Curriculum experience question. You will need to develop a highly specific personal response to that question that does not rely on the experience of other people or the teaching skills of a professor for a response. Think about why you feel like you will grow as a student under the Open Curriculum and discuss these potential development points as a response.

Writing Feedback / The healthy lifestyle has a direct bearing on our dignity and well-being. [2]

Nicoel, you did not properly represent the prompt discussion instructions in the prompt paraphrase although you discussed the opinions as instructed in the body of paragraphs. You should not have indicated a direct response because this is a comparative essay, not a direct question essay. Remember, comparative essays ask you to reintroduce the discussion instruction as based on your understanding. This is indicated by the requirement: "Discuss both views and give your own opinion". The proper instruction paraphrase for this is:

Based on a clear assessment of the two public beliefs regarding this discussion, I believe I will be able to develop an understandable personal point of view.

Or any variation thereof. What is important is that you indicate / outline how the discussion is to be presented in the reasoning paragraphs.

Now, I will admit that you did a good job in the discussion paragraphs lthough, I would have preferred that you did not use the memorized phrases yet again to kick off your first sentence in every paragraph. Using a topic sentence instead of "On the one hand" or "On the other hand" would better increase your GRA score because you are not using word fillers that do not really help to increase the interest or meaning of your paragraph. Try to use topic sentences next time that immediately tell the reviewer what the paragraph topic will be about.

Work on your concluding summary. That is not to be presented as a single liner at the end of the essay. Rather, it is supposed to remind the reader, or recap the discussion for the benefit of the reader. That is why the concluding summary always requires the following information:

1. A restatement of the discussion topic
2. 3 reasons as stated in the subject sentence paragraphs of the 3 body reasoning paragraphs
3. Closing sentence that reiterates the strength of your point of view

Properly rephrasing the concluding paragraph, in a manner similar to the original prompt will allow you to maximize your overall scoring potential. Don't waste the opportunity to increase your scoring possibility with every properly developed paragraph. Overall though, you have shown improvement in your relevant writing skills and you were able to meet a majority of the required discussion parameters in your presentation. I hope to see continued improvement with your forthcoming essays. Good job! Keep Writing, you can only get better at it.

Writing Feedback / Introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum to deal with an obesity issue [3]

Phuong, this essay will get a TA score of 1, which will effectively prevent you from getting a passing score with this essay that you have written. You have not discussed the topic in the way that the prompt has instructed you to do so. This resulted in a severe prompt deviation or changing of the discussion style that led to a change of topic as well. Hence, this essay will be viewed as not having responded to the task in an appropriate manner. The error is glaring when you consider that the:

Original Question: The what extent do you agree or disagree?

was responded to with the following:

Response: Admittedly, physical activities play a significant role in making improvements of the children's physical health and prevention from obesity.

The error in the Task 1 response is so bad that it will be useless for me to review your LR, GRA, and C&C mistakes because if I do that, nothing will be left of your final score. Before you continue to write practice essays, you should first become knowledgeable regarding the types of Task 2 essays and how you are expected to respond to them. There are enough examples for you to learn from at this forum, just use the Simiar Discussion links to read the other samples which will also lead you to learn from the advice given to the previous test takers. If you have any questions, feel free to post those in this forum and I will get back to you with an explanation or clarification.

You don't have the writing skills at the moment, nor the English comprehension skills to pass the test at this moment, based on this practice essay. You should improve over time through grammar lessons, sentence structure exercises, and practice essays. I suggest doing well with the 2 early foundations before you delve into actual essay writing.

Undergraduate / I am the only teenager in my community who thinks something different unlike others. Essay about me. [3]

Supantha, it is important that you understand what the prompt requirements are and how to deliver it. For this prompt, you cannot use the first person pronouns. The reason you cannot refer to yourself at all on a personal basis is because the prompt requires you to use a second or third person point of view in describing yourself. The description must come from how other people understand your personality, your strengths, and your weaknesses. That is why you are being asked to present that understanding based on 3 relationships. The reviewer needs to understand who you are as a child which will represent how you respond to authority / instructions / commands. The point of view of your friends will allow your application to indicate the sort of classmate and student community member you might be as a freshman. While the reference to your community member description will give the reader an idea as to the type of extra curricular activities you may enjoy and how you might be a positive contributing member to the student clubs and organizations. Adjust the essay to refer to yourself in the manner I explained so that the statement will become prompt responsive and allow you to deliver a better representation of yourself to the reviewer based on the required information.