Undergraduate / under the Costa Rican sky - UofM Diversity Short Answer [8]

Diversity connected us rather than dividing us; having to trust...
Well... did diversity connect you, or did being scuba buddies connect you?

...each other as scuba buddies established a bond that looked beyond borders.---> a bond that looked transcended cultural barriers.

No real errors... use commas here:
I left Costa Rica with unforgettable experiences and, most importantly, a friend.

Undergraduate / Why does Brown appeal to me?Who or what has influenced my decision ? [9]

Two ideas:

I have been a die-hard enthusiast about Economics ever since I received the first lecture on it from eight grade.

That was the time I decided that I had had enough of insults, so, with sheer determination and uncontrollable rage, I danced for hours and several hours each day.

Undergraduate / 'Key Club and the National Honors Society' - NEOUCOM what will i contribute? [3]

Each paragraph has a different idea, and they need to all be preceded by an intro para that puts the all together. Add an intro to the beginning of this; use an attention grabbing first sentence, and then list the three main ideas of the essay.

Also, add a conclusion to the end. Give some thoughtful reflection on these 3 ideas. Thread them together in the intro and conclusion.

Book Reports / Hamlet having a problem with himself and three words that describe him - start? [5]

Step one: google the words hamlet, character, analysis and read what other scholars have said.
Step two: read the play and write a paragraph about an interesting scene that shows his personality.
Step three: decide the word that captures that paragraph's meaning.
Step four: repeat steps two and three two times to get the other two words.
Step five: go back and write a brilliant intro paragraph that lists those words.
Step six: write a thoughtful conclusion paragraph that reflects on the implications of these character traits.

Writing Feedback / difference between boy's manner and gild's manner [5]

Your manner is your way of acting. You can act in a kind and generous manner, or you can act in a rude manner. With this essay, you have to write about the ways girs act that are different from the ways boys act.

I suggest writing about it like this:
Compared to girls, boys sometimes behave in very different manner. However, sometimes mannerisms of boys and mannerisms of girls are indistinguishable. Although I will list some mannerisms that people think of as typical for girls, it is important to remember that we should not make generalizations.

Writing Feedback / WISH FOR CHRISTMAS [3]

I still remember your promise two year ago, but you may have forgotten it completely. Therefore, you cannot be true to your word. There is another Christmas coming, one more holiday during which we will grow farther and farther apart. I don't know...

I hope that helps you! It was hard to understand in the beginning.

I was the one who has been easy to hurt.

Undergraduate / Florida State University Admission Essay- How Vires Defines My Life [2]

I believe that the mind is created to be able to think beyond boundaries and that the more that a person uses their own intellectually developed strength, the more easily those boundaries can be overstepped.

You should use the first paragraph to tell the main idea, and then start another paragraph in order to talk about the books and your grandfather.

This makes it sound like you were reading books when you were one year old! :-)

You went way off subject here. I'm sorry! I think some serious revision is necessary. You have to keep writing about vires over the course of 3 paragraphs. That is my recommendation. For every new idea, start a new paragraph, and for every idea explain how it relates to vires.

Good luck!! :-)

Undergraduate / Dental training, Obstacle Essay Help [6]

Use quotation marks:
...the strength to say, "Pinkesh, mane bathroom layja."

Use a comma:
...both of us more; death was inevitable, and I had to muster ...

You did not connect this to dentistry in the way they expected. It is a meaningful story, for sure, and very emotive, but you didn't respond to the prompt. Based on your knowledge of dentistry, what is a situation you are likely to face as a dentist that is related to the problem of grief and death, etc? You may have to look into the field of dentistry some more and read about the more challenging aspects of it.

To find out about having threads deleted, see the TOS.

Good luck!! :-)

Undergraduate / Common App Essay (Multiple Sclerosis) [12]

This is a powerful essay. I think you could incorporate a paragraph that tells about some of the most recent advancements made regarding the disease, and even cite some sources in APA style. That would be impressive, and it would distinguish you from most other applicants who do not cite any sources. Do not overdo it, but show some expertise. And write a bit more about your other interests in the medical field as well... I think the way to get your point across is to condense the material about MS and expound a little more your clear vision for the future.

Book Reports / Comparative Essay on Charaters of The Great Gatsby and Hamlet [4]

I always suggest taking a guess with this kind of essay. Choose a striking characteristic of one character, and use it as a jumping off point for writing about all three. I am sure that the trouble you are having cmes from feeling overwhelmed by the complexity, but actually this can be easy! If one character is generous and the other two are not, write a paragraph explaining that. If one character is sneaky and the others are also sneaky, write a paragraph showing that.

All you need to do is list some characteristics of one character and write a paragraph about each... giving your opinion about the other characters in this regard as well. One paragraph at a time!

Undergraduate / Macaulay Honors Essay-Discuss some issue of national, or international concern [5]

September 11 affected millions of people around the world, all of whom were shocked at not only the level of atrocity of these attacks, but also at the fact that the safety of airline passenger s was so easily jeopardized.

At the relatively innocent age of nine years old, I still had not exposed to these issues among my friends.

Hi! I think you should condense the material about 9/11 and add an introduction sentence that clearly states the "issue of concern. At first I thought it was terrorism, then I thought it was airline security, then I thought it was prejudice... if you announce the issue in the beginning, the reader will find that refreshing and clear.

Your writing is great!! And it is powerful to write about experience of someone of Arab descent experiencing prejudice these days -- because everyone knows about that and feels strongly about it. Intellectual people, like the people who will read this, feel strongly about the importance of not succumbing to prejudice, and they'll empathize with you.

Undergraduate / Macaulay Honors College-Discuss some issue of importance... [3]


To the reader, it is obvious that you are just going for a dramatic effect here. Obviously, you aren't speaking from memory -- just mustering up some dramatic effect. The emphasis of your premature birth makes your intention to be a physician seem underdeveloped.

I think you should only mention this prematurity briefly and then concentrate on the "health care issue." To many people, this notion of a health care issue is about insurance coverage, etc. You need to become an expert on the issue. I'm afraid this essay has to be rewritten; use this story for something else. This essay is intended to be about an issue about which opinions differ as to the best solution.

Undergraduate / Brown Short Response (Why Brown) [6]

The essay is disjointed. It would be good if the Thoreau quote had more application that just to that remark about them governing least. The fact that they govern least just does not seem to be a very impressive reason to want to go there! What if you made the Thoreau quote your theme, and connect it to economics and mathematics. Also, don't specify transcendentalist poet, because he was much more than that, so it sort of reduces him, and besides, everyone already knows who he is. :-) kind regards

Undergraduate / "Albert Einstein got it wrong countless times", George Washington Univ Essay [15]

Yes! It is important to catch this sort of thing. Suraj, I see that you are very helpful to other people here, and you are able to express yourself well. Did you perhaps intend to cite that website with a footnote and put quotation marks around the paragraph!!?? That would be okay.

If, for example, you use a footnote to cite that as a quote, then you would not be plagiarizing. But anyway, keep that material out of what you post here. Do not post material on this site if it appears elsewhere on the Internet.

Please tell me if you have any questions. And Yang, how did you even notice that? You are a hero, ha ha...

Writing Feedback / English CLEP Practice Essay - Friendships today are easier than ever to form [3]

Here is something I think will help. Use this structure:

First sentence - attention grabbing, colorful words.
Last sentence of the first paragraph - thesis statement (you began the essay with a thesis statement, but I think it should go at the end of the first paragraph.

First sentence of every paragraph gives the idea of the paragraph. One para = one idea in this kind of essay (essays you get graded on)

Conclusion para is a whole para about the thesis statement, explaining it; reflecting on the implications, and evaluating your own argument.

You write very well, without errors! Except I found this:
We know about everyone, but are known by no one.

Research Papers / Paper on Euthanasia-How to argue it can be research paper & not just persuasive [5]


Ha ha, I guess that would depend on one's circumstances.

Undergraduate / Rice University, Supplement, cradle of its field [9]

I see that it is completely different now. Do you ever use an Internet translation site like yahoo babbelfish or something?
uk.babelfish.yahoo.com/
For some reason, I had the idea that you might have used that. I would, if I had a language barrier. I wondered how well it worked. I cannot tell how well it works, because I'm not bilingual.

We all can agree that the USA is the most developed country...

After this resolution was accepted, I felt emotional and compelled t o contribute ...

Essays / Need Ideas! 5 Page Essay on concept defined by both author within their writing. [5]

The concept of outsider is one that Sue already gave you. There are many others. I insist that you read the letter, because it has a very profound effect on people

stanford.edu/group/King/frequentdocs/birmingham.pdf

It is way easier to go deep into it, make it part of you, and then write from the heart. If you need ideas, you aren't crazy-inspired yet. When you read it, you'll get inspired, and then you will want to write about the concepts that are most meaningful to you.

Graduate / Personal Statement for Law School Admissions-Why I want to go to law school [10]

Hey, you didn't take my advice about hyphenating pig-worshiping, ha ha. Do you know something I don't know about pig-worship? Ha ha. I also recommend this sequence change:

Walking into my childhood room might make one wonder if I had joined an underground, Italian pig-worshiping cult.

I don't actually recommend it; I just think it flows a little better. Great sentence, ha ha.

With this sentence, you might consider changing "kept to" to something like adhered or upheld, or some similarly interesting word: On July 25th, 1997, I vowed to never eat pig again, and I have kept to that vow to this day.---> however, it is just an idea I'm contributing and not necessarily better. Most important is keeping this aligned with your personality.

This sentence I do not like as much as the rest of the essay: To satisfy this internal drive, I need to embody the relevant explorations, connections and understandings that fulfill the yearnings, which advance me toward this dream.----> It's too general... fulfilling yearnings and whatnot. To embody exploration is also a little strange. I wonder if you can rewrite this sentence in a way that is more productive about creating an experience for the reader.

Kind regards!

:-)

Essays / machiavelli , lao Tzu and edward henderson - comparison and contrast eassy [10]


Yes, that is so hard! Well, you know these 2 are opposites, so you can think of what you know about them while you read Henderson.

Mach says the prince should be ruthless.
Lau tzu says heaen and earth are ruthless.
What would henderson say about ruthlessness? Whatever your answer is, PROVE it in the essay.

:-)

Kind regards!

Undergraduate / Influential person/significant experience--a girl who made me strong in love [7]


Sounds presumptuous!

How about "thought I knew what was..."

If she was a persistent girl who never backed off from challenge or give up her dream, why was she willing to stay? Seems contradictory. Also, this raises the question, "What is her dream?"

She did not let anybody down. ---> this is confusing. You could say: She did not let anybody down with her performance in academics.

Wow, that is so powerful; it is a dramatic thing, to tell someone you don't want them to stay. I hope it proves to have been the right decision.

I recommend getting rid of the "strong in love" part of the title and focusing on the specific lessons you learned. I also recommend choosing a few sentences to chop out or shorten. It is a great story, but is it too long for the admissions requirements? Anyway, focus less on the story and more on the meaning of the story, the significance. It really should end with some thoughtful discussion of the story in the last paragraph.

Undergraduate / Commonapp_Topic of ur Choice_My School [4]

No need for a semi-colon here:
...how it looks like exactly.

And in this sentence, you should use a semi-colon!
That little success filled me with satisfaction and arrogance. (good sentence!) However, since I met them, I never had a feeling of safety; despite how hard I tried, (they were always right behind or even ahead me----> maybe this part should be revised for clarity )

A colon is for when something that follows was indicated.. like, the following list: A, B, C.

Undergraduate / That afternoon watching CNN caught me in the post 9/11 fears [6]

It will be more impressive if you name the events that you saw on TV that day, and then you can supplement it by reading some articles about the events. Be super impressive.

One afternoon, my television set was...

or even...

One afternoon, my television set was tuned...

...being suspected terrorism based on their...

Undergraduate / learning my ABC's: What you would bring to diversity [4]

Hi Faisal, good advice!

I like the way the human being sentence is changed, but does it belong at the end of that first paragraph? Don't make the essay too full of narrative. End that first paragraph with the moral of the story -- your profound realization about diversity! You should make a very meaningful, memorable statement at that spot in the essay, and then elaborate on that idea in the conclusion.

The essay has great content, great details. As you keep working on it, incorporate some imagery words.

:-)

Writing Feedback / essay about TV has destroyed communication among friends. (agree or disagree) [6]

To sum up, violence advertising, changes in the way people spend leisure time, and the absence of comprehensive programs on television are all circumstances that can destroy communication among friends.

:-)

Letters / Letter of Motivation for applying Computer Science related fields [4]

Hello, I came to help, too, because I saw that you gave some great help to another student.

Notice that Susan fixed your spelling of the word pursue.

Excellent, you are so accomplished that they have to admit you to the school!
I think the essay is already great, but if you want to make it better cite an article in APA style. That will be hard if you do not know how to cite sources, but you probably do. People do not usually cite sources in admissions essays, and that is why I recommend it.

Thanks for helping so much with that "tv destroying communities" essay.

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay, People with different interests and personalities cannot be friends [12]

Thanks Jeanie!! I'll do the other half.

Furthermore, pursuing a lot of different interests, people can expand their horizons.

Or...

Furthermore, learning a lot of different subjects , people can expand their horizons.

You cannot learn an interest.

This is a good sentence: Nowadays, a great amount...---> That is a very good, complex sentence!!

Ha ha, due to the fact that I am so lazy...you are funny.

However, sometimes people may not know how to handle different people's temperaments.

Undergraduate / The accident - significant experience you have faced and its impact on you [6]

Get right to the powerful part:
Like many people, I have an image imagine of a place of...

Use a dash instead of a semi-colon in that first sentence -- because they have different uses; a semi-colon needs an independent clause (complete sentence) on each side of it, I think. A dash works like a dramatic comma.

Well, I don't know if it is too long or not; it depends on what is required by the institution, right?

If you cut out parts, keep mindful of your purpose. What is the cantral idea you want the reader to take away from the reading?

You write very well!!!

Undergraduate / "never started learning Chinese until I entered high school" - common app [12]

Great last sentence.

Less is more:
As I am preparing to fly back halfway around the world to the States again , I am...

...very excited about how the world will unfold. ----> can you be more specific?

The whole essay could use one super-intriguing sub-topic that would blend perfectly with what is already there and compound the meaningfulness. "Quitting is not an option" is a great theme, as long as you take a very unique approach. The essay is already very good; this is just an idea.

:-)

Undergraduate / Common App Short Answer-"the Dream of Caterpillar" [3]

Just like fishing, start by giving a quick jerk. Give a good word at the start to catch attention:
Women's tragic history is something I cared about deeply when I was lucky enough to be chosen as captain of the...

...and only four students including myself, of us remained; we had passion and a sense of responsibility, because the subject matter was meaningful to... of showing the women's past.

Graduate / "traditional foundation and style" - Applying for graduate school at SVA [7]


I think it is important to choose the right sentence to place at the end of the first paragraph of an essay. This is a thoughtful sentence, but it does not prove anything or assert anything, and it sure isn't the main idea of the essay. I recommend putting the main idea of the essay here.

If you write other things, do not follow this rule if you don't want to. But for applications, it is respectful to follow the conventions of clarity. You should state succinctly what your purpose and intentions are at the end of that first para, and then in the conclusion para you should explain them thoughtfully. The rest of the essay -- the middle -- is a trip you prepare for the reader.

Graduate / SOP - PhD Linguistics [9]


That is a profound observation! I notice myself projecting my moods onto others, too. And it works in good ways as well. In the end of the famous Chinese classic "Ox herder and ten footprints," the practitioner says he goes to the marketplace enlightened, and everyone he looks upon becomes enlightened.

I recommend a book called Zen Flesh, Zen Bones, man I miss that book! If anyone reads it, please post a thread about it. Mustafa, that means you! :-)

Ned, I look forward to the next version!

Undergraduate / Macaulay Essay - How book affected you and changed your world- First Draft [3]

I think you did a great job of answering the question, and you chose a great novel.

This sentence seems unhelpful:
Although, the changes were not drastic, it did change my perspective of the world and open myself up to more opportunities. I think it is better without it.

Also, how about changing "girl" to relationship so as to be inclusive in the way you write?

And get rid of that last sentence about them being millionaires! Stick to the point. Don't risk seeming superficial...
:-)

Undergraduate / Why Columbia and My Upbringing - The Columbia Short Answer and Essay [20]


Impressive resolve...

Can't say confirmed about such an abstract concept:
Quantum physics and genetics, for example, have shed light on this amazing concept.

Don't capitalize universe (although it probably should be a proper noun!!)

You write so well!! Yes, and when you consider how replication is everpresent in nature, it sure is easy to fathom the idea that this all could be one love story being forever told. Rumi writes, "The sunlight splits when entering the windows of the house..." talking about one thing splitting into many. Imagine that. If reincarnation theory has any truth to it, there is no reason to think you cannot live 2 lives at once. I might be being you right now!!

I like the essay...

Undergraduate / About natural disasters and their influences on me. [9]


Some would disagree about this being choppy. To improve it, though, change into into in.

As the weather got warmer, more and more snow melted, and the water accumulated in the Red River, which flows through my city.

Things don''t accumulate into other things. Accumulation is amalgamation, snowballing.

Also you have one segment too many in this sentence.

As the weather got warmer, more and more snow melted, and the water accumulated in the Red River. which flows through my city

Is the city part necessary? I think it is not.

Undergraduate / My first essay! Cornell Art and Science!! [22]


Yes, I see! It certainly is not always appropriate to "Say it, explain it, and the say it again," but I often advise people to do that (i.e. introduce the idea in the first para) because they are struggling writers, and they need to get the basics of composition down -- but I would be remiss to suggest that you must adhere to a certain form. This is obviously inspired writing so develop it in the way that seems right.

When I suggest creating a takeaway experience, though, that is something I strongly recommend. People need to hear something several times to remember it. That is why writers often use the conclusion para to refer back to an idea from the intro para. This notion of reinforcing an idea for the reader is one that I want to emphasize to you, because you already write well, and based on my particular outlook it is the idea I have to contribute -- for whatever it is worth!

Anyway, proceed as you will, hero! BTW the most poignant part of the essay is when you say certain classes have been difficult because of being an immigrant - civics, etc. Did you know that this point is actually the most memorable in the whole essay for teacher types like me? It is SO powerful when a young student observes this kind of cultural phenomenon...

Undergraduate / My parents allow me to express myself as an individual; Tufts-'Let your life speak.' [12]

I found this error:
I have been exposed to Indian stereotypes such as this throughout my entire life.

This should not have a comma:
I fell, and then refused to re-mount.

or, if you want to keep the comma, add "I" to make it a compound sentence:
I fell, and then I refused to re-mount.

Read The Elements of Style by Strunk and White, and you will know everything!!

Undergraduate / "I can accomplish any melody" - common app short answer [15]

Hey, do they intend for you to expound various work or ECA??? Are you supposed to cover only one, or should you intertwine them in an essay that presents them as a meaningful collage? You write so well and revise so effortlessly, I thought I would ask...

The theme of teeth gritting patience and going back to square one when necessary is cool... but it should be developed more. The general idea of this essay is very, very simple -- too simple to do justice to your deep-thinking mind. (I can tell you go very deep in your thinking because of the way you write, and because you are involved with music!) Hit the reader's mind hard. Cause her/him to reconsider something.

Grammar, Usage / Quick Grammar Question Dealing with Roles in Plays [5]

For clarity, the quote marks help... but they are ugly. I guess if I were writing it, I would write

...Portrayed the character Iago in...

I was just looking here for guidance: archive.sensesofcinema.com/contents/07/45/carl-dreyer.html

Really, it is up to you! If your intro para establishes what is going on, you can leave the responsibility with the reader to figure it out. If you are worried about getting a good grade, ask the prof's opinion (they love that), but if this is your own article or chapter of something you are working on, you have prerogative.

Book Reports / controversy about Adventures of Huck Finn [11]

Many children, boys especially, have tried smoking because of this one line.

Or

Many a child, boys especially, have tried smoking because of this one line.

I don't really understand the phrase "many a (something)," but it is pretty common. Anyway, it should be one of those ways above.

Do you really believe that this book should not be read by children, and if so, at what age do you think it would be okay? Is this really your opinion, or is it a challenge by the teacher to promote a particular point of view?