Writing Feedback / TOEFL: 'my rest time' - Childhood is the happiest time of a person's life [6]

It is 215 words. You need more words to complete this essay. Read as many TOEFL writings/ authentic texts as you can to improve your writing skills. This help you find some ideas and improve your vocabulary and grammar.

Writing Feedback / Parents are the best teachers? YES! 'mother always give you motivation, and love' [13]


This shows complexity for the intro.
Possible suggestion: If you have a complete prompt, simply paraphrase it (then include a hook and thesis)

Well, if you have a question that you don't like at all, then you can write with a 5-paragraph essay. You write one introduction, three bodies, and one conclusion. This can help you write more words, but some students, that I see, put grandiose ideas, by writing too many words.

Look at what Dumi suggests you with the structure (a 4-paragraph essay). With this structure, you are easy to develop your paragraph properly, one content paragraph for, and one againts. This is good for coherence and cohesion between the sentence-to-paragraph-to-essay construction, and for which in the five-paragraph structure this is weak.

Writing Feedback / What are the qualities of a good neighbor? 'care your attitude to other people' [7]


This is too short :(

Well, if you have a question that you don't like at all, then you can write with a 5/6-paragraph essay. You write one introduction, three bodies, and one conclusion. This can help you write more words, but some students, that I see, put grandiose ideas, by writing too many words.

Look at what Dumi suggests you with the structure (a 4-paragraph essay). With this structure, you are easy to develop your paragraph properly, one content paragraph for, and one againts. This is good for coherence and cohesion between the sentence-to-paragraph-to-essay construction, and for which in the five/six-paragraph structure this is weak.

Writing Feedback / The 21st century; world always changes - technology, transportation, and humankind [4]

Well, if you have a question that you don't like at all, then you can write with a 5-paragraph essay. You write one introduction, three bodies, and one conclusion. This can help you write more words, but some students, that I see, put grandiose ideas, by writing too many words.

Look at what Dumi suggests you with the structure (a 4-paragraph essay). With this structure, you are easy to develop your paragraph properly, one content paragraph for, and one againts. This is good for coherence and cohesion between the sentence-to-paragraph-to-essay construction, and for which in the five-paragraph structure this is weak.

Writing Feedback / 'heat-debated topic'; Everyone has the right to get university education? [5]


I have seen this phrase from different corners of the world. It is too common for words. You'd better rework it.


many benefits brought from other sectors in which government apply for/ increase in tax revenue


Incomplete sentence. Perhaps, coping with subject-verb agreements.

Writing Feedback / Classmates can have positive or negative impact on a child's behaviour at school [4]


I try not use 'sex bias' :D


The latter commentator has given you a signal for intro. I think so. Your intro shows complexity. To make it better, simply paraphrase the prompt, including hook and thesis.


Omit 'about'
discuss [Verb]: It is the time to discuss the book
discussion [Noun]: high-level discussionsabout trade and commerce


Faulty Parallelism
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Hope this helps :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS: solution for arresting traffic & pollution?; 'proper mass transportation' [5]

Overall, mechanics are good. However, your writing is not cohesive. The ideas are unfocused, and sentences do not connect well.





I am afraid that you are overusing the linking devices. I think the better way is to avoid using lots of the connective words. If you think that you need to earn coherence and cohesion, pay particular attention to demonstrate cohesion.


You don't need to use lazy language expressions (eg 'etc', or and so forth') They are are used more in spoken language. Also, this indicates you don't care enough to finish a sentence properly.

Have look at the prompt:


To answer the prompt effectively, start analyzing it like this:
Topic: Increasing the price of petrol is the best way to solve growing traffic and pollution problems
Task 1: To what extent do you agree or disagree?
Task 2: what other measures do you think might be effective
Make sure you answer the tasks

If you have a question that you don't like at all, then you can write with a 5-paragraph essay. You write one introduction, three bodies, and one conclusion. This can help you write more words, but some students, that I see, put grandiose ideas, by writing too many words. Uppsss.., remember, 40 minutes to finish your essay are a must :D

Writing Feedback / Budget control; it is better to enjoy your money than you save your money? [5]


You need more words to write. It is only 180 words, dear :(


Para 1: Intro, restating the prompt (including hook and thesis)
Para 2: better to enjoy your money. To support this, give one specific example
Para 3: better to save your money. Also, raise one specific example
Para 4: As usual, restate the intro.
Use simple, compound, and complex sentences to create your paras. Paying attention to simple grammar: an articles, subject-verb agreement, plurals, and prepositions.
Brainstorm the ideas to help you easy construct the development of paras

Hope this helps :D

Writing Feedback / Travel within a group with guide? 'we do not enjoy the traveling, can't go everywhere' [8]


Problems with grammatical mechanics for this sentence. One of them is called comma splice, occuring when you use a comma to join two complete sentences without placing an appropriate joining word between them.

Writing Feedback / What are the qualities of a good neighbor? 'care your attitude to other people' [7]


they can meetfriendly neighbors


people who live in the house next to you are called the next-door neighbors


Not all people plans to pursue this dream :D. dream of some people


Because of wanting to have a good time, the personal qualities of neighbors can bring you a degree of comfort to stay a close as you can to your home.


Faulty parallelism.
Possible suggestion: I cannot answer that questions, but as an illustration of this point, I am going to tell you personal opinions.

I see many problems: grammatical mechanics, vocabularies, sentences and ideas.
Read as many authentic texts as you can to improve your writing skills. This help you find some ideas and improve your vocabulary and grammar.

Writing Feedback / IELTS ; Various genre of music ; Traditional more important that modern [6]


You have to see how the questions go on. This is not "both views", but two questions to answer.
Para 2: explain why people need music
Para 3: how much you agree/disagree with the statement "traditional music is more important than international ones."
These two paras should be closely aligned with


. This is the next task to do.


I feel this is Faulty Comparison (Visit this link: wps.pearsoncustom.com/pcp_longman_ez_2/32/8414/2154029.cw/index.html#topofquiz10)
Possible suggestion: traditional music has more essentials than does the modern music

Writing Feedback / IELTS: phone calls in UK; 35 billions minutes in 2002 [4]


This writing is well organized (with 4 paras), is very communicative and is on the points.
I think readers including the assessors will see what you are like from how you write, not just from what your language is like mechanically. Overall, keep this good writing.

Good luck for your exam :D

Writing Feedback / Internet and school teachers. 'Teachers are much more essential than computers' [2]


I can't even provide you the examples, dear :D
Well, I think the best examples come from your own personal experience. This can be can extracted from books you read/ films you watched. Or if you have a real-life story, then why don't you say it...

Hope this helps :D

Writing Feedback / 'culture of conserve'; company should give money to support the arts [8]

After selecting your essay file on the "-Select Forum-" screen and click on "WRITING FEEDBACK", then you write IELTS/TOEFL (that I feel) for the purpose of this essay.

Well, if you have a question that you don't like at all, then you can write with a 5-paragraph essay. You write one introduction, three bodies, and one conclusion. In the bodies, you will argue more on one side than the other by writing two content paragraphs arguing for and one against. This can help you write more words, but some students, that I see, put grandiose ideas, by writing too many words.

To justify what I'm saying, have look at the topic:


I feel the following bodies of the essay lack of ideas. Hence, you need to push forward the idea through Paragraph 2, 3 and 4. Then go get the intro to redo your sentence.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Young people commiting serious crimes should be punished as adults [9]


Yes, she is right.
When you deal with IELTS, the first thing the assessor sees is your layout, which shows whole of your essay. If the layout is difficult to read, which is let's say: no spaces between paragraphs, then he/she immediately knows your writing needs more work to read.

Hence, I too suggest you to leave one space every time you open a new paragraph.


write 'every person'. I try not use 'sex bias' phrase :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Adult educational survey report [15]

Hello.. I am sure no one can't even see the picture in details. It is too small, dear :D


Faulty parallelism
Please visit this link to see the possible suggestion: grammartips.homestead.com/parallelism1.html



I feel the word 'Think' sounds too clumsy here



responsible for

Writing Feedback / hard work vs luck - become the person what you are trying to be, not by the luck [5]

When introducing the topic and expressing your opinion, you do this in the introduction . (redo this in the conclusion too)
Moving into body paras to justify your position and convincing the reader about why you hold that position. Take one specific example for each paragraph.

Noteworthy:
5 or 4 paragraphs?
Well, if you have a question that you don't like at all, then you can write with a 5-paragraph essay. You write one introduction, three bodies, and one conclusion. This can help you write more words, but some students, that I see, put grandiose ideas, by writing too many words.

Look at what Dumi suggests you with the structure (a 4-paragraph essay). With this structure, you are easy to develop your paragraph properly, one content paragraph for, and one againts. This is good for coherence and cohesion between the sentence-to-paragraph-to-essay construction, and for which in the five-paragraph structure this is weak.

Writing Feedback / not to separate influence of parents & school on child; useful member of society [7]

Sorry bingbingliang. I didn't notice. Your sentence is already right. It is not a comma splice.


Aha, this phrase...


Surely, I don't catch what you are saying here. If you could, please rewrite

Thanks

Writing Feedback / Spending money on six consumer goods in Europe between 1980 -1990. 'British spent more' [5]

I like your writing.
The chart provides information regarding the spending by four European nations; British, French, Italian and German, in pound sterling on six different types of consumer goods: photographic film, toys, CDs , perfumes, tennis rackets and personal stereos

Overall, reaching troughs at tennis racquets and personal stereos, the four European countries have spent the highest money of the customer goods in photographic film and toys. Then the expenses of CDs and perfumes were ranked third and forth.

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay. Computer vs book - chose to buy computers [3]


It is nicer when you conclude the intro with a statement expressing your opinion very clearly.

5 or 4 paragraphs?
Well, if you have a question that you don't like at all, then you can write with a 5-paragraph essay. You write one introduction, three bodies, and one conclusion. This can help you write more words, but some students, that I see, put grandiose ideas, by writing too many words. Uppsss.., remember, 30 minutes to finish your essay are a must :D

Look at what Dumi suggests you with the structure (a 4-paragraph essay). With this structure, you are easy to develop your paragraph properly, one content paragraph for, and one againts. This is good for coherence and cohesion between the sentence-to-paragraph-to-essay construction, and for which in the five-paragraph structure this is weak.

Writing Feedback / 'Today 's children are tomorrow's citizen' - good members of SOCIETY [5]


You are being asked to discuss both these views and give your opinion. However, there's no harm you stating your own opinion in the introduction itself. It is nicer when you conclude the intro with a statement expressing your opinion very clearly.


Discussing more details in how school helps students' development as members of the society is your task. Instead of explaining the surface of the several keywords, let's say: accepted manner and perform activities with co_operation, better go deeper. Also, adding one specific example is an excellent idea.

Writing Feedback / Television should have only shows and entertainment programs? [7]


Remember, always start writing using upper-case letters.
You need to rework for the green phrases. There seems like incorrect grammar.


I think you' better explain how bad it is for children?

A short note:Read as many authentic texts as you can to improve your writing skills. This help you find some ideas and improve your vocabulary and grammar.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Parents are the best teachers? Use specific reasons and examples [6]


Faulty parallelism
Possible suggestion: school educators not only contribute..., but also teach


this phrase adds no value for the intro. Better omit

A closer look at the task: Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
For me, if you are offered such task, then you are asked to take a position, which is neither in total agreement nor total disagreement, but somewhere in between. Then, you should 'why' into paragraphs

5 or 4 paragraphs?
Well, if you have a question that you don't like at all, then you can write with a 5-paragraph essay. You write one introduction, three bodies, and one conclusion. This can help you write more words, but some students, that I see, put grandiose ideas, by writing too many words. Uppsss.., remember, 40 minutes to finish your essay are a must :D

To justify what I am saying, have a look this paragraph:


this paragraph is off-topic,


With the structure of a 4-paragraph essay, you are easy to develop your paragraph properly, one content paragraph for, and one againts. This is good for coherence and cohesion between the sentence-to-paragraph-to-essay construction, and for which in the five-paragraph structure this is weak.

Hope this helps :D

Writing Feedback / conventional medicine, is it safe or not? [4]

I like this topic. This trend also happens in my country, Indonesia.
Well..., it is a small talk before coming into the discussion :D
Without further ado, let's start analyzing the prompt:
Topic: Currently there is a trend towards the use of alternative forms of medicine.
Opinion: However, at best these methods are ineffective, and at worst they may be dangerous.
Task: To what extent do you agree with this statement?

Have a look at the essay:
Para 1: Well done. You write the intro by simply paraphrasing the prompt. However, you need more work for the hook. Hook should be short, clear, and catchy.

Para 2: You are being asked to discuss 'the ineffective methods of this alternative medicine'. One example supporting the main idea
Para 3: Then, explain 'why this may be dangerous'. As usual, one example supporting the main idea.
Para 4: Restate the thesis from para 1

Thanks. Hope this helps :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS: people's weight has increased, levels of health decreased; Solusions [7]


I think this phrase has no values for this essay. Better omit it.



this is too common for words. You'd better use this: How can I best tackle this? <--- a question can be also used in the opening paragraph, linking the latter and the third para.

Writing Feedback / If I am to travel 40 miles distance, I would choose the train [6]

Improve your writing just by shortening some of these long sentences.


this is too long and contains a comma splice, occuring when you use a comma to join two complete sentences without placing an appropriate joining word between them.

Scholarship / WHY DO I WANT TO BE A CPA-AICAP SCHOLARSHIP 2014 [6]

I feel this essay contains good mechanics, ideas, and vocabularies ;D


speak one-on-one/ face-to-face communication


you don't need to separate the subject and predicate with a comma.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; Fish and Meat consumption in European country between 1979 and 2004 [5]

How if you break this into two paragraphs? Yes, I think so. To have clarity, one paragraph contains one main idea.


than that of fish.


to reduce the consumption of beef dramatically

I like the way you present this visual writing :D

Writing Feedback / It's better to enjoy your money save it for the future? Family-Fixed Income [3]

A few details from this essay:
1. Here is a short note you deal with IELTS: the first thing the assessor sees is your layout, which shows whole of your essay. If the layout is difficult to read, which is let's say: no spaces between paragraphs, then he/she immediately knows your writing needs more work to read.

Hence, I suggest you to leave one space every time you open a new paragraph.

2. Logon to EF
On the new screen that opens up, under the LOGO "EssayForum",
Find and select your essay file on the "-Select Forum-" screen and click on "WRITING FEEDBACK".
On the screen that says "Subject - MUST be descriptive, original, and meaningful!", write IELTS/TOEFL with the keywords (Max. 50 characters)
Finally, copy and paste your Essay into the Message box. You are asked to complete the full prompt with your essay.
As your readers, we need the full prompt which helps us crystallize the ideas from your writing, to give relevant and reliable feedback.

3. Read as many IELTS/TOEFL writings and authentic texts as you can to improve your writing skills. This help you find some ideas and improve your vocabulary and grammar.

Hope this helps :D

Essays / Essay plan - It is possible for older people continue to work? [6]


A lot of problems with: mechanics, vocabularies, ideas, etc.. But now worries... All you have to do is to read as many IELTS writings and authentic texts as you can to improve your writing skills. This help you find some ideas and improve your vocabulary and grammar.

Hope this help you :)

Book Reports / King Lear Essay " Bottoming Out"; main points [2]



I still believe on google as the best source for finding some keywords for the main points of this.
Next, prepare your draft and post it here to have some feedback. I feel this does not seem to be a difficult way.
Take some links can be used as an example: shakespeare.mit.edu/lear/ or sparknotes.com/shakespeare/lear/

Undergraduate / APPEAL ESSAY FOR UT - My love for art is defined in my pieces [2]

Include the prompt of the essay so you are easy to have relevant and reliable feedback from other readers.



Making for the clarity, you should improve your writing just by shortening these long sentences.

hope this helps :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Emigration intentions, Bulgarian aged 15-60, 2001 & 2006 [9]



I am in google now, and I have this for you:
Majority normally means more than 50%. Few and many are normally used with numbers rather than percentages: a small percentages of people could still refer to a large number of (many) people. 'Many' and 'few' are difficult to define because it depends on the context, but in general they refers to

large and small number respectively.

IELTS grammar: number and proportion
Number:
- Use 'the number of + plural noun' e.g. the number of visitors.
- Do not use it describe percentages of uncontable nouns e.g money

Proportion:
- Only use this to describe percentages (not numbers).
- Use 'the proportion of + plural noun' e.g the proportion of people

Hope this helps :D

Writing Feedback / Televised talent shows is not only to entertain [9]

This is good, but a few details it takes:


the phrases you use are not easy to understand. Perhaps the portmanteau word is inappropriate.


Look at the whole idea. The one who stands in impoverished life is not the family, but that guy. Hence, an impoverished man is the right phrase, I feel.


The sentence makes no sense. Perhaps, dealing with the dissociate grammar from context.


A famous singe or famous singerS . Problems with singular-plural nouns
I didn't see you discuss the topic:


more closely.

A short note: Read as many IELTS writings and authentic texts as you can to improve your writing skills. This help you find some ideas and improve your vocabulary and grammar.

Hope this helps :D

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay: teachers lesson vs other sources; 'one click of a button' [3]



Bad grammar. You may use these: alternative sources of information or alternative information sources or other secondary sources


I know this phrase. Many students use this. However, you'd better use the less common lexical items. Let's say:
The aforementioned evidence examines that ...
Given this evidence, it can be seen that ...

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Prediction of world population growth - 4000 millions of people in 2040. [9]

Scrutinize the picture and peruse the overview more closely, then you will see that the written overview provides the main idea for two charts, not one chart.

the key point I highlight is a year of 2040 as the highest one for both charts. This is a short description of the situation.

Writing Feedback / Dormitory rooms shared by two students. Choice of room should be allowed. [6]


The intro is good, but shows complexity. I have made some changes :D



major


disagreement
Pay particular attention to spelling problems. Check as many as possible before submitting your essays.

Graduate / Navy OCS Motivational Statement; 'Risks are the essence of success' [5]

You write well. You are good at constructing sentences, mechanics, vocabularies etc.. I didn't notice major mistakes for this writing


The word 'in order' can be deleted or replaced by 'so as to'.


Write 'make'. Subject-verb agreement.


Write 'whole'. 'Whole' collocates with 'purpose'


technology vocabulary | technical/specialized vocabulary

Hope this helps :D

Writing Feedback / money as a cause of happiness; the important necessity in human life [5]




Improve your writing by shortening some long sentences

Uuppsss... I was in your threads. We discussed the development of your paragraph. Please take much consideration for what I have highlighted there.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: best way to improve public health; lack of exercise [7]


For me, the phrase 'In this essay' doesn't add value for your essay. This can be categorized as verbose phrase. You'd better leave it out for the whole essays you have.


This is too long to be hook.
Let me give a try:
People with a sedentary job generally need more exercise.
Hope this helps :D