Scholarship / I want to cut the gap in the financial literacy. Post-Study Career Plan [3]

Ahmed, about the paragraph where you mention the future leader's program. That sounds a bit bitter and hopeless rather than excited and raring to go. You are being groomed by the program to become a future leader of your nation, that is not exactly something that should be met with the mindset of "I have no choice". Rather you should be highlighting that training as part of the benefit that Chevening will be receiving by accepting your application to their scholarship. Develop 2 paragraphs that explains the following:

1. What you will be expected to do in the future leader training program;
2. Explain how this fits with your plans to participate in the UK supported programs in your country.
3. Indicate how the two programs (Future Leaders and Chevening) can merge into an impressive project based on your plans for your future as both a leader and Chevening scholar in your country.

You may need to cut out certain parts of your essay or shorten some presentations in order to discuss the above topics. Do it. Believe me, your essay will be stronger with that information presented for consideration by the scholarship committee.

Scholarship / As an international coordinator I established different networks of people I've been working with. [5]

Olga, this is not a networking essay. Assisting interns with their international applications does not qualify as a networking skill. Keeping in touch with interns, nope, not a networking skill either. A networking skill is best explained as the ability of the applicant to handle office situations that require the use of external contacts, assistance, and involvement. A network signifies a series of out of office relationships that help you in accomplishing your difficult work tasks.

Your networking experience does not reflect any of that. You are not establishing a believable network in this essay. In fact, there is no network indicated except contact with your interns who don't exactly have any use in the performance of your tasks. This is an extremely irrelevant essay that, should it be submitted for consideration as a networking essay, could very well void your scholarship application.

in order to fix this problem, refer to the sample networking essays here. Learn what sort of networking information is considered important, notable, and useful in the strengthening of your application. You will find that there is a need to delete this essay and come up with a new one that better represents an actual working network for your within your profession.

Graduate / Personal statement of Accountancy to become MSc student of Lancaster [2]

Yalin, This is a good personal statement. It just contains some information that will become redundant once you present it again in the SOP part of the application essays. I suggest that you remove the SOP parts from this essay to not only shorten the essay, but also create a more interesting presentation for the reviewer. You may want to consider polishing the essay using the following relevant paragraphs instead: 1,3,4,6. Then build a stronger concluding paragraph that does not end on a mere "thank you for reading my application" and instead says "I deserve to study at your university."

You can insert a paragraph that explains the growth of your interest in Finance based on your professional exposure. Connect that with the development of your interest in research which led to your higher academic goals. Don't go into too much detail though. The details should be in your SOP. The statement has the potential to be highly effective once you reformat the content. Polish the content by revising the information presented and you should be all set.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 1 : Proportion of male and female arrests by offence type, 2008/09 [3]

Diep, the first thing you have to know about the Task 1 essay is that, if you want to get a good score, you need to show a maximum 4 paragraphs. 4 paragraphs creates the magic number that helps the exam taker get the highest possible score based on the 4 bands because you can do a thorough analysis of the given information and assure yourself that you have not missed out on any information that is required for the presentation.

In your presentation you missed out on important information in the summary overview. This is the spot where the short version of the information you will be discussing deeply in the remaining 3 paragraphs are presented. You missed out on presenting the following information:

1. Type of measurement (percentage)
2. List of crimes to be discussed and analyzed
3. highest and lowest points of the trending statement

These missing information should have been presented in the summary because the assumption is that the reader will not have access to the image and therefore, does not have any idea of what information will be presented. As the writer of the analysis report, you are required to make sure that the reader is given a thorough and accurate briefing of the information before the discussion is presented.

The remaining paragraph presentations are acceptable in terms of information presentation. You have written enough words to make sure that your writing will be scored at a higher than simply passing level. You did not do a bad job for a first timer.

Writing Feedback / The modern life has negative impacts on children's lifestyle [3]

Nguyne, this essay just failed to get a passing score in an actual test setting. Remember, the TA score relies on your English comprehension skills. You have to prove that you understood the topic presented and are capable of discussing the topic based on the instructions you were given. In this instance, the instruction you were asked to follow is to discuss:

To what extent do you agree with this statement?

This means you have to take a yes or no stance regarding the topic and then defend that side in the essay. It is clear that you misunderstood the instructions for the discussion because your response was:

Personally, school and parents play important roles in tackling this issue.

As you can see, your response is nowhere near the discussion instructions you were given. From a yes or no essay, you discussed a personal opinion, without giving a direct response to the question, which is the basis of the thesis statement of your prompt paraphrase.

The correct response to this would have been:

I strongly agree that both the school and the parents have a direct hand in the creation the unhealthy lifestyle of children. I have based my opinion on a couple of reasons.

That is the response that I believe you should have given as your thesis statement at the end of the prompt paraphrase paragraph.

Your 4th paragraph is a prompt deviation that will further reduce your ability to prove that you understood what the discussion topic requirements were. You were to focus on a 4 paragraph essay that has 2 reasoning paragraphs, one for teachers and one for parents. The government was never part of this discussion and as such, should not have been presented in this essay.

Scholarship / Building Network for more Human-Centered Design Products - Chevening Networking Essay [2]

Ayu, the only part of this essay that I am apprehensive about including in the final version is the part about the Chevening scholar himself. You are mentioning this person by name so I assume that this person will be your referee for the recommendation part of the program right? After all, a recommendation from a former Chevening scholar will be the strongest recommendation that you can present with your application. Now, if you are not going to be submitting a recommendation letter form the alumnus then you should not refer to that person in the networking essay.

It is always best to simply refer to the development and use of the network in a general terms in order to avoid the recommendation complications. Personally, I feel that you should just focus the essay on the networking that you had to do in the 4th paragraph. This sounds much stronger and appears more relevant to your current occupation. This means the network is extremely active and useful to you at the moment as opposed to the early network that you created which seems to have come to an end.

Scholarship / User Experience Designer's Study Plan in the UK - Chevening Study Plan Essay [3]

Ayu, make sure that you have listed your university and courses based on your priority universities and courses. Try to add specific information in the course descriptions as to the specific applicability of the course in your profession. Your references are too general in statement and does not really portray how your skills and career opportunities will improve based on the course choices. Be specific. Use a reference to a clear area of your profession that the course will help you improve so that the paragraph will be truly informative and profession defining.

Close the essay with a clear professional goal for yourself. Your claims in the closing paragraph of your essay do not really do not directly reflect your plans for your personal career growth and development based on your chosen courses. Deliver at least a general career goal ambition for yourself. Don't be too lofty with your ambitions that you will try to increase awareness regarding your job within Indonesian corporations. The reviewer knows an exaggeration when he reads it.

Scholarship / My leadership role and competencies for Chevening [3]

Bennett, your essay requires only one academic and one professional representation of your leadership and influencing skills. Starting off with your college experience is good. While your leadership skill is well illustrated, your ability to motivate the team isn't as effective because you do not appear to be highly active in influencing the mindset of the team from being inactive to active. Therefore you need to better discuss how you motivated the team. Less use of "we" and more use of "I" in reference to getting the team to move towards the completion of the project.

Your professional experience makes your leadership role sound very easy and conflict free. So there is no real depiction of the need to influence others in your paragraphs either. It would be better if you could discuss how your talk with the other contacts went and what lengths you had to go to in order to convince them to allow your team to conduct the survey. That will help to explain your influencing skills in an evolved manner.

The paragraphs about being a training and communications manager is more of a networking reference so it should be removed from this essay. Your last paragraph belongs in the post study plan so you have to move that reference to the correct essay discussion. Overall, your essay shows potential but lacks information. Just improve on the points I mentioned and everything should be good to go for your essay.

Scholarship / BANNING OR NOT WITH THE PERPETRATION OF PEOPLES' PRIVATE INFORMATION BY PUBLISHING THEIR STORIES [3]

Linh, first up, you should know by now that there is a 5 sentence limit for the Task 2 essays. This being a direct question essay falls under the same ruling. Please make sure to count your sentences again. When you write too much, you tend to change the discussion angle. Which is what almost happened to this essay because you presented a question in the second paragraph. Stick to the actual question provided. This is not the essay where you should be analytical about the feelings of the celebrities. You should have just referred to that directly, without the question because the question could have changed the total discussion topic for the essay.

No special punctuation marks in this discussion. No ellipses, most specially, no ellipses after a comma. That is never done. It is either you use an ellipse or you use a comma, you can never use both in combination.

Don't get me wrong, your discussion is on topic for most of the essay, which is good. There are just times when you forget what type of essay you are writing, which results in certain rule deviations on your part. Just be conscious of the type of essay that you are writing, which is academic, and follow the writing rules for academic papers. You can't go wrong when you follow those rules when writing these essays.

Scholarship / Advocate Type of Leader - Chevening Leadership Essay [4]

Cyntia, your essay is definitely strong in leadership skills, but failing in influencing skills. Simply knowing how to delegate, but not how to inspire nor influence your team mates or subordinates does not equate to an influencing skill. You must show how you led the team during a time of distress or question of your leadership in order to prove an influencing skill.

Your essay is extremely based on your leadership qualities, that is a good thing. However, an effective leader must know how to inspire his subordinates towards a successful project or influence others of a negative thinking into a positive thought process for the good of the team / project. That reference is not seen in this essay which is why your influencing skills come across as lacking or wanting all throughout the presentation.

You don't need to describe the projects, you need to use the work that you did as the leader of the project in terms of your influencing abilities. A revision of this essay is in order. You have to balance your leadership with your influencing skills by taking out the superfluous mentions of the project specifics. The project mission is all that matters. How you handled the people in times of problems or discord is important because that shows the type of influential leader that you are. It helps to deliver the idea that you will be a national leader and influencer in the future.

Highlight the USAID project for most of this essay. That is impressive and showcases the international aspect of your leadership and influencing abilities. Explain how your role as leader and influencer with the USAID project prepared you to become an even better leader and influencer with the CT Arsa Foundation. Connecting the two projects should strengthen the leadership and influencing presentation of your essay.

Scholarship / After finish my master course I plan to get a job in a governmental and/or oil and gas company [9]

You will need to clarify how you plan to get your company accredited with the DFID so that you can collaborate on private projects within the indicated sectors. You automatically assume that the MoU will clear the path to that. That is not the case. Even your being a Chevening scholar will not matter if you do not follow protocol with regards to accreditation. Start small. Explain how your company will be accredited and then follow up with the more expansive plans that you have for your company in relation to the DFID projects.

The essay you have written is highly competitive and refers to several existing DFID projects in your country. With the proper clarification with regards to accreditation, I do not doubt that this will be one of the more notable post study essays submitted. It is strong in information regarding your plans, how you will get it done, and what the results should be. The simple clarification will finalize the content of your essay for submission.

Writing Feedback / Free choice of subjects to study - IELTS writing task 2 assistance [2]

Suraj, there is a lack of clarity in the essay that you presented. That is because you are not representing the public discussion of the two points of view in the essay. You have created a singular personal point of view discussion even as you have been told in the instructions to present a discussion of the 2 public points of view prior to a stand alone paragraph discussion of your personal opinion. It is not a one liner, it needs to be a complete paragraph.

When you discussed the two points of view, a reference to the public reference of discussion is required. That way the reader knows that you are representing POV 1 then POV 2 before your personal point of view. This is done by referring to phrases such as "The group that believes that..." "When the public considers the discussion that...". Both of these sample phrases show ownership at the start of the paragraph which clarifies who is talking and in the process, indicates what type of point of view is discussed. This type of clarity will help to increase your scoring potential because the essay discussion becomes clearer to everyone reading the essay.

Your reasoning is acceptable but is mostly presented as run-on sentences, Don't muddle the presentation with a series of reasons, one reason is sufficient, Just properly develop the explanation to make your words clear in meaning to the reader. Fully develop a single reason. It will score better than several under explained reasons in a single paragraph. Use simple sentences that have a clear meaning. Don't try to connect different ideas in one sentence presentation. That blurs the actual topic and meaning of the sentence and affects the clarity and coherence of your essay, as well as the GRA considerations when it comes to sentence structure and grammar considerations.

Scholarship / Chevening career plan - city and society [4]

Maedeh, you need a stronger collaboration reference with the DFID in this essay. Don't just be willing to help them implement their goals in your country. Say you will go to the DFID to present your developed plans for the urban development of your country. Seek out projects that could help to support their existing programs and explain how the collaboration will help hasten the development of the city or cities. The idea is to show how you can become the bridge that will help to strengthen the UK relationship with your country through joint projects and supported causes.

The first paragraph in your essay is unnecessary. Start with your post study plans immediately. The first presentation is not relevant to the reviewer. The relationship discussion for the early part should just be a culmination of your leadership, influencing, and networking essays. How will all of these come into play once you return to your country? That would be a pretty strong post study plan essay presentation. The last sentence in this essay is also a throw away. End with the previous paragraph instead.

Scholarship / ENDEAVOUR LEADERSHIP PROGRAM - Development of individual's knowledge and expertise. [3]

Javiera, you should try to relate the actual internship experience with your professional development. By this time, you should already know what the objectives are for the internship programs and how that training is going to take place. Discuss the internship in detail if you can. Relate the activities that have a direct effect on your professional development. Your current discussion lacks a definite reference because you are speaking in general terms most of the time.

The prompt asks you to explain how it will assist your professional development and that, is best done through examples with a reference to its actual application in the performance of your profession. This type of prompt requires specifics in its response. What you are presenting are generic assumptions, which do not help to push your response along in a manner that properly displays the benefits of the activity in reference to your professional development.

Scholarship / I was part of the Rivers state government scholarship scheme; Chevening application [3]

Bennett, your essay does not have a serious purpose for the network nor does it show a solid result via your networking attempts. If you are trying to pass this network off as something that has a national scope, then you need to do a better job at explaining the following:

1. The purpose of your organization
2. The community covered by your outreach program
3. What groups were involved in this outreach
4. How did you create these networks? Go beyond the simple "we belonged to the same scholarship, some were UK scholars, and I approached the boss of a friend." Be detailed with regards to your style of networking development and what roles these networks played in the program. How did you reach out, what was the response, and how do you continue to use that network today?

Use this essay to support your leadership essay by showing how you influenced your network to help you out with this thank you project for the community. That would be a nice touch of reinforcement for your leadership and influencing essay.

Remember, you need to show an existing and working network on a national scale in order to have an effective networking essay. How does Chevening fit into the network in terms of being useful to the Chevening members instead of the other way around? This is not a one way street. A network should be useful to both sides so explain that in the essay.

The last sentence should be used in the post study essay. Don't present that here. It sounds like you were drafting your thoughts and accidentally included it in the networking essay.

Writing Feedback / Using credit card is a process that gets benefits and burdens [3]

Kasif, I am not sure what prompt you are responding to with this essay but you did a pretty good job at explaining the pros and cons of using a credit card. I just had a slight problem trying to reconcile what you were saying in paragraph 3. The bill is considered a debt to the credit card company. So how do the people who owe debt try to do something evil through debt? That doesn't make sense. You need to clarify that point. Perhaps what you are saying makes sense in your language, but translated to English, it becomes a contradiction. Since debt already exists, how can " the try an evil way to solve the bill: debt" make any sense? Something got lost in translation I think. Your essay makes sense most of the time and can be understood by a native speaker in most instances so this is a pretty good discussion of the given topic, in the general sense of the discussion.

Scholarship / "My passion for technology in Africa" We want to hear what excites you MasterCard scholarship [3]

MArtin, your response is incorrect. You discussed a passion for an interest. Your response refers to your interest in your college course. The prompt is asking you to discuss something not related to your education. It is asking you to discuss something you believe in. Something related to a personal value. A personal value could be related to personal integrity, honor, truth, equality, and anything that relates to a personal belief that reflects how you view society in relation to your personal values. Your response does not reflect any personal values and therefore, cannot be considered an acceptable response to this essay. You will need to develop a totally new response statement, based on the proper personal value reference or references. You can look up the various personal values and its definitions online. Choose the one or ones that are close to your personal values then write about that or those for this essay.

Scholarship / "Right man in the right place"; a best term to describe a principal that I use in broaden my network [2]

Vani,a your essay is just a series of introductions that does not really show the development of a national network, nor does it show how your network has helped you perform your job related tasks effectively. You cannot just keep on explaining how you create a network and what the purpose for that development is. You have to show, at the start, an explanation of how you develop the network, then explain how the network has been useful to you, and finally, how you continue to expand your network. The close of the essay should explain the benefit of including your network in the Chevening community, not an explanation of how you hope to use the Chevening community to do your job.

There is a lack of proper networking development representation when it comes to physical development such as national meetings, seminars, training programs, or continued education settings. You have a good start with the introduction of the tax amnesty program. Then you dropped the ball because you did not explain how your national network became useful to you in this instance. The how and the why of the situation is part of the networking explanation. You never did that in this essay. A network is a series of professional contacts that you connected to yourself in order to get the job done. It should look like a written spider web. Something like:

The Solution is D. In order to achieve that, I contacted A, who was my contact in, who told me that he could help me until X point where he would introduce me to B. B was the one who helped me with the next step in the process. He then passed me off to C to finalize the procedure, resulting in D.

Scholarship / Leadership is an attitude that fuels or inspires positive change [3]

This essay will not work Anub. The choice of leadership skill is not definite. There are no management skills represented, no influencing requirements indicated, no prompt requirements addressed. While thi sis a good reference point for leadership and influencing, you did not properly develop the content of the essay to reflect the qualities of a leader and influencer as you embody it. Defining what leadership means to you at the start of the essay does not make this a leadership nor influencing essay. That only tells the reviewer, rather than showing him, how you view leadership, but not influencing.

What you have to do is discuss the RAHAT experience that you have. After indicating the background of the essay, in a short version. It should not take a whole paragraph, just one or two sentences. A simple objective recognition of the organization will suffice. Exclude the Polio drives. That is irrelevant. You need to focus on RAHAT for its leadership and influencing potential. Your childhood memories do not serve a purpose in this essay. Do not include that in the discussion.

After explaining the objective, introduce your leadership experience. What was the mission at that time? What was the objective? How were you chosen to lead the team? What In another paragraph, discuss your team members, what it was like to work with them, what problems were encountered by the team, how you led the team towards a resolution, and how you handled friction within the team or any other problem that had you as the direct decision maker for the team.

A new paragraph will then be required to explain your influencing skills over the team. Based on the problems indicated and resistance coming from the team or townsfolk regarding the implementation of the solutions, how did you influence the scenario so that you came to a positive conclusion to the problem? That is how you write a leadership and influencing essay. You do not gloss over the discussion, you get into the nitty gritty of it. As a journalist you should know that. Information is key in the essay. Examples drive your point home. Show, don't tell.

Essays / Chevening Networking Essay and Career Plans Essay - questions before I start [2]

@Ghaidaa It will be difficult for me to respond to your questions at this point because you are specifically asking about the content of your essays. Unless I am able to read the specific essays, assess the content of your work, and then compare it with your questions, I will not be able to give yo a definitive response. Every essay has its strengths and weaknesses and the Chevening reviewer(s) will be on the lookout for certain information in every essay. These specific requirements are what the prompts are meant to help you address in your writing. If you followed the prompt and delivered the required information, then you should not have any worries regarding your essays.

If you can post the individual essays in separate threads at this forum then I can review your work. Post your individual concerns at the end of every essay so I will be sure to respond to your specific concerns. I will help you create the best essay for your application, but I cannot assure you that you will be granted the scholarship. Although I have assisted a significant number of awardees, their credentials, when presented along with their essays all helped to get them through to the final round of considerations.

Graduate / MFA in Design in Child Culture - needing assistance on the methods and process section. [2]

Angela, the first question you responded to is very good. It is an interesting space concept to investigate. I too have often wondered about how the design of spaces can help foster relationships although this is the first time I thought of how the space design affects a child's relationship with an adult. However, when it comes to the questions, I feel like you have listed several questions and referred to someone else for a possible response. If you had shared your assumptions regarding the possible answers and presented these in question form, then the presentation would have been more engaging and interactive. Somehow an implied question delivers the idea that you know what sort of research your project will have to do in order to deliver the appropriate response rather than presenting questions that seem random in presentation.

I apologize about the deletion of the last part of your essay because you are only allowed to post one essay per thread, or a series of short response Q&A's in one thread. The last part of this thread needs to be posted as a separate thread because of its length and different focus from these 2 connected statement discussions. Please post it separately so that I can review it for you in a more appropriate manner. Thanks.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2 - Should university students' study orientation [3]

Ronia, this is a discussion of 2 public points of view along with your personal point of view. You decided to discuss this essay from a singular point of view alone. Therefore, you created a prompt deviation and as such, will receive a low score for it. When you write a Task 2 essay, you must always follow the discussion instruction provided to you in the original prompt. So that means, if it says; "Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.", you write a 5 paragraph essay covering that discussion. The 3 reasoning paragraphs cover the 2 opposing public points of view and then, the 3rd paragraph discusses your personal opinion based on the evidence presented in the 2 point of view discussion. That is why this essay has performed a prompt deviation that will prevent it from getting a passing score.

Your essay is not truly closed because you created a personal discussion in the last paragraph of your presentation. The closing paragraph should summarize the information provided as a recap or reminder for the reader. It is not supposed to contain new information for the discussion as that constitutes an open ended essay rather than a closed essay.

BTW, please remember the cornerstone rule for writing any of the IELTS essays. The rule of thumb, this is unchangeable and directly affects your scoring potential, is that you should not write less than 3 sentences, no more than 5 sentences, and you should focus on only one topic per paragraph to help increase the scoring possibility of your essay. Clarity in discussion can only be achieved when you develop only one discussion topic per paragraph. It helps to keep the discussion free of clutter and allows it to pay proper attention to the paragraph discussion topic. This in turn helps to increase your overall scoring possibility.

Scholarship / Networking has always been my key success through the year spent. Chevening essay [5]

Poni, your essay should only focus on your professional networking skills. The time when you became a project leader sounds like you had the perfect opportunity to further develop your existing network, use your existing network, and have an interactive networking experience. The problem is that this part of the essay as presented in your essay sounds more like you were practicing leadership and influencing rather than networking.

The network should be presented in a manner that had you contacting other people within your profession, if possible, from different offices and companies, in order to solve an office problem that you had. If it relates to logistics, then present a situation when you could not get a particular product delivered on time but through the use of your network, you were able to get the product delivered ahead of schedule instead. Something along those lines should be able to present a better networking example from your work experience. It will be better and more applicable than the essay that you have at the moment.

Read the networking essay samples at this forum. Those samples should be able to help you get your networking essay on the right track. Just click on the Similar discussions link at the bottom of this page to see other related essay samples for your reference. I assure you, reading the samples will help you develop a more relevant essay for your application.

Scholarship / Malaysia's healthcare system needs a tweak! [2]

Raanita, what Chevening essay is this for? Did you plan to use this for the Post Study Plan? If you did, then let me tell you right now, this essay will not work. It does not contain the required elements of a post study plan upon your return to Malaysia. The reviewer does not care about the experience of your mother. He only wants to learn about how you plan to advance your career using the newly gained information from the UK.

The reviewer's concern is actually all about how the UK projects in Malaysia will fit into your post study plan. You are expected, upon graduation, to help promote further UK-Malaysia relations through your career development and cooperation with UK agencies in your country In this instance, you sound like you are just focused on improving healthcare in your country for your mother. There is no sense of national concern and application of your newly acquired skills. There is no reference to the UK health projects in your country and how you can help them promote it. There is nothing in this essay that tells the reviewer you will be a worthy Chevening alumna upon your return to your country. This is the kind of essay that can get you disqualified from consideration. If there is no UK project in your country as represented in your essay then you will not qualify for the scholarship. The way you wrote this essay, you just made sure you will be disqualified.

So change the whole essay. Read the sample post study career plans in this forum from the other applicants. Imitate their format. Find a UK agency involved in the area of medical development or the health sector in your country. Learn about their projects and how you can possibly participate in it upon your graduation. Develop your essay around 2 topics, your personal career plan and the UK cooperation plan. Your mother may be mentioned in passing for the personal career plan but should not take up more than 10 percent of the presentation. The rest should pertain to your personal career plan. The other 50 percent, should be focused on the UK health projects collaboration. Only then will your essay qualify for consideration.

Undergraduate / My Favorite word is family! This word includes whoever I enjoy spending time with. [3]

Phani, I wish that you had included the instructions for the writing of this essay along with the response that you wrote. I like the way that you developed this essay to include your friends in the definition of family. However, I feel that you did not justify why you included friends in the definition. Remember that friends still carry a different definition in meaning from family.

However, friends fall under the definition of an extended family member at times. Not all friends fall under this definition though since you have ordinary friends and close, personal, sister from another mother type of friends. Its the sister from another mother type that falls under the definition you presented so I believe that you should tweak the meaning and the representation of a friend who is "family" in the essay.

This is a good essay but I think it is a bit exaggerated in meaning. Nothing a little content adjustment won't fix. Reviewers don't like reading exaggerated essays from applicants so your work could very well benefit from the tweak I am suggesting.

Writing Feedback / Are famous people treated unfairly by the media? Should they be given more privacy, or not? [4]

Wow! 404 words! You certainly developed a very long essay here and I do not mean that in a good way. You only have a limited amount of time to complete this essay and believe me, you won't have time to write all of these words in an actual test. Mostly because, if you follow the proper writing format, you will be writing at least 250 words, but no more than 300 words due to time constraints, editing requirements, and other polishing considerations. I think you are reviewing on your own which is why you over wrote the essay. So let's focus on the formatting for now.

You got the 4 paragraph format correct for this essay discussion. However, you should be informed that there is a 5 sentence maximum sentence requirement for the essay paragraphs. That's no less than 3 and no more than 5. That should be a coherent paragraph that closes with a transition sentence into the next reasoning paragraph but for the last paragraph of the essay, it should be a summary conclusion which covers a recap of the given reasoning paragraphs and topic paraphrase.

I will commend you on your creative paraphrase of the opening statement. Even though it lacks the required 3-5 sentence presentation, it is clear that you understood the topic for discussion and have the ability to restate the discussion without using any memorized phrases, words, or sentences. You delivered a very good discussion of this topic. If you had only stayed within limits, and written a more manageable number of words, this would have been a very high scoring essay. Something I look forward to reading from you next time.

Scholarship / To be a good leader for other people, we have to be a good leader for ourselves. [4]

Gayo, if you know that you do not have any leadership experience, then why are you applying for Chevening? You do know that since you do not fit the profile for the applicant, your application will not make it past the screening round right? Chevening is looking for current leaders and influencers in your country who can become even better leaders and influencers after studying in the UK. What makes you think that you can apply without having any qualifications to get into the program? Exactly. Everyone who is applying will be highly skilled, qualified, and current leaders and influencers in their respective fields. Your essay does not even come close to the weakest applicant I have seen so far in this cycle, who has leadership and influencing qualifications just the same.

You need to show that you are some sort of leader in your field of work. You can start by changing the essay to discuss the college leadership experience that you had based on the cultural project. Talk about how you led the team through any difficult situations that might also show how you influenced the team to perform. It sounds like that part of your narration has potential. The problem is, it isn't strong enough for the presentation. You still need either a community or professional based leadership example to prove you are what Chevening is looking for in a future leader and influencer in your country. At the moment, I don't see that at all.

Scholarship / An essay for Chevening scholarship about my networking experience at DFM and Zain initiative [3]

Dana, don't try to define networking based on what you think it should be. The reviewer is not interested in that and you are wasting his time. He needs you to showcase a working network on your part. That is all he is interested in. While I find your networking information simple and too localized for the Chevening scholarship, it just might work since you are concentrated on filmmaking. However, it would be better for your application if you can show an international network of sorts because the Chevening community may not require localized film makers, staff and crew in your country.

The mention of the job opening you found out about in Seattle would have been better and beneficial to your essay if the network had helped you get the job. Which it did not. So mentioning that in this essay isn't helpful. The reviewer doesn't want to know how your network helps other people, he just wants to know how it helps you and how you help the other members of your network. Unfortunately, your essay is too self-centered in that aspect. Maybe you can change that focus to be more cooperative? That is what a network is about after all. Cooperation between different persons, groups, or organizations for a common interest.

I find your essay too vague and lacking in impact to be able to compete with the other more well positioned applicants for this scholarship. There is no clear development of your network as a currently existing and working channel of professional contacts. That could prove to be a hindrance to your application in the long run.

Scholarship / The successful networking is not about the numbers of people I know - Networking Essay [2]

Putri, your essay is so grammatically incorrect that the whole essay failed to make sense on a professional level. You need to sound less ESL and more professional. It severely affected the presentation of your networking skills because your presentation sounds like a bad English grammar exercise for an English learner student. It does not deliver the proper tone nor representation of your networking skills, how it can be useful to Chevening, and how you maintain and grow this network. You have the potential to showcase a usable Chevening network, the problem is in the grammatical presentation of your essay.

You may want to showcase how the exchange of networking privileges occur in this instance. Did you ever end up helping anyone from your network? Why did you need to help and how did you do it? You also need to explain how Mr. XXXX became instrumental in growing your network. By the way, if none of the people you mention in this essay will be your referee, it will be best not to mention their names as they will not be able to attest to the validity of your claims regarding your strengths as an employee, student, or acquaintance.

Writing Feedback / Candidates' academic qualities, rather than their social skills, become the primary employers choice [2]

Can, your opinion about this being a negative development should have been given in the opening paraphrase and restated in the closing summary. Your opening summary is not really accurate in its prompt restatement because you did not offer a direct response to the questions being indicated. This is a direct response essay and as such, you are expected to provide a simple, single sentence response to each question because that will serve as the topic for and outline of your discussion presentation.

In the second paragraph, the following line is incomplete:

Given the fact that many employers tend to rush through things these days to ensure an advantageous position in the face of stiff competition, hence, they would be beneficial as more individuals with outstanding academic qualities are hired for the job.

This presentation sounds like it should have had the reasoning sentence before the "Given..." sentence. There is a missing subject in the presentation. It lacks clarity and coherence. In other words, it doesn't make any sense as a part of the paragraph. Additionally, you left the essay as an open ended presentation because, rather than presenting a summary of the discussion, you continued the discussion with an under developed personal opinion. So the essay clearly doesn't come together as an informative presentation.

You should be happy to know thought that your reasoning paragraphs, save for the problematic presentation I quoted above, depicts that you clearly understood the discussion topic and knew how to present your reasoning and supporting elements to a certain degree. Keep that up. It will help you score better in the actual test.

Scholarship / As a teacher, I pioneer the future by inspiring younger generations. "Chevening is looking for ..." [4]

Chi, what you have displayed here are the foundation of your networking skills. These are not clearly leadership and influencing events. The way that you had to discuss and get the approval of various people in order to enact projects shows how effective you are in developing and nurturing a network within your profession. This is not a leadership and influencing presentation at all. You could put this essay aside and revise it to become your networking essay. You must write a new essay that will be all about leadership and influencing.

As a teacher, you can discuss your current position among the academic staff. For example, are you the head of a particular teaching department? Have you been assigned a project by the head of the department? Think about an event or assignment that took you out of the classroom and instead, had you performing with a team of peers as their leader. Show your management skills. Depict how you perform under stress. When pressured to perform, how do you influence the team to pick up the slack and get the job done? This current essay doesn't show any of these instances.

You show an ability to network properly, which means you have the potential to become an influencer and leader in your field of work. You should find the right example to get you on the right track to depict that. I hope the guide questions I provided you will help you find your perfect leadership and influencing event to present in the essay.

Graduate / PHD - Statement of Intent - Organizational Behavior in Canada [2]

Muhammad, you have a very good presentation here. It is timely, relevant, and highly important as a social study of modern day man and culture. However, I feel like your research interests stop short of informing the reader about what you hope to accomplish during and after your studies. There needs to be a stronger push in your research area that indicates what you hope to achieve aside from simply researching the work and coming to a better understanding of the world. Working as a professor is one thing, but what the results of your dissertation should be is different. This should be the indicator of the changes you hope to implement or share with the world upon your return to your profession. How does your essay plan to remove the stigma from people with closeted identities? Why is it important that the stigma be removed? I did not get a clear idea regarding these aspects in your presentation.

Again, the direction of your essay is good. It is strong and will be notable once submitted. However there are a few points that I feel you can improve upon. However, if you feel that the paper is complete as is, then that is what is important.

Scholarship / Why I chose this host organisation and what my proposed leadership activity is intended to achieve [2]

Chezang, your essay does not indicate whether you have any intended field work or internships, even though you indicated that the last year will be based on research and thesis writing. Considering that you claim the UNE offers the leadership activity within the program, I can only assume that there is a specific program you forgot to mention that has a training schedule, which is a requirement of the prompt you provided.

If not, then you need to outline the details of your research and thesis writing such as where and when the research will be undertaken as part of the training details. If there is any chance you will need to do any fieldwork for your research, then you should include that in the presentation as part of the required data. You will never go wrong with including that information just the same.

Scholarship / As a true leader, I encourage and inspire people to pursue their dream. [2]

Vania, omit the mention of your family at the start of the essay. The reviewer is not interested in that. There are only 3 things he is interested in, your leadership and influencing abilities in the areas of: academic, community, and professional. Your essay should cover the development of your leadership and influencing abilities either in all 3 aspects or mainly, the professional aspect of leadership and influencing. In this essay, you are severely focused on your academic leadership which does not create a strong reference for your leadership and influencing skills. This means that you failed to develop your skills beyond an academic leadership role. It makes you a weak leader in the eyes of the reviewer who does not have the potential to implement the expected leadership and influencing roles that Chevening expects you to do upon completion of the masters course.

You still have a chance to correct this error. Balance the essay between the academic presentation that you have here and a professional or community service presentation. That way you show a partial evolution of your leadership skills rather than a stagnant one. Shorten the academic presentation of your leadership skills and lengthen your professional presentation so that the reviewer can be convinced that you have the leadership and influencing abilties that the scholarship program is looking for.

Scholarship / I was one of the leader at high school student council and a director in the theater club. Chevening [3]

Arsanti, this is an extremely short leadership and influencing essay. The content of which, I am afraid, does not make you qualified for the scholarship. The lack of qualification stems from your lack of leadership and influencing skills. There are no clear positions of leadership that allowed you to display a capacity for team management, conflict resolution, and innovative management ideas. You are not displaying yourself as a future influencer and leader in your field of work.

It appears to me that the problem stems from your lack of true leadership foundation stemming from your college days. Your high school accomplishments are not really considered to be leadership and influencing skills in a manner that could be notable to the reviewer. Your role at the retail company sounds like you were only part of the HR training team, which is not the same as an influencing and leadership experience. Even your civic performance at ROLE does not showcase any of the abilities that a leader has not do you display any influencing skills within the cause either.

I am afraid that you have either not writte a very good essay that depicts your potential as a leader and influencer in your line of work or, you simply do not qualify for the Chevening scholarship at this point due to your lacking qualifications. Either way, this essay does not help your application and I am not sure if your chances will improve even if you revise the essay content to display more leadership and influencing skills.

Scholarship / There are several reasons why I choose United Kingdom to pursue my further study [3]

Vania, this is not a highly informative study plan. A Chevening UK study plan needs to be based on your academic background being presented in the first part of the essay. Showing the reviewer that you have the academic foundation in relation to your chosen courses will help you instill a confidence in him that you have what it takes to complete any of the courses you have listed.

Immediately following that, you have to present your professional history, specially those duties and responsibilities that you have which create a relationship between your current career training and your ability to perform as a student. Dedication to your work, a deep understanding of how you want to increase your employment potential, and why you chose the UK to study at all fall under this discussion, in separate paragraphs.

Your university and course choices should never be presented in a single paragraph. You must indicate each university and course as a stand alone paragraph. The paragraph has to show an analysis of why you chose the university based on specific academic and professional backgrounds on your part that relate to the course, which then has to relate to your future career plans or, at least explains how the course can help you perform better in your professional field.

Write a new essay that better offers required information from you as the applicant in order to create the kind of study in the UK plan that a Chevening reviewer might pay attention to.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 1: Oil use of major consumer [3]

Tien, the main problem you will have with this essay is that your GRA score will be failing and as such, you will not be able to produce enough of a scoring consideration in the remaining parts to pull your final score up to at least a passing score. Your constant difficulty with time frame references make this essay extremely stressful to read. You use past tense references for both the past and future tense presentations. This shows a very low understanding of how to compose English sentences and creates a difficult to understand paragraph. That means the C&C score for your essay will also be reduced along with the GRA score for your sentence structures. You won't have too much of a problem with regards to your vocabulary and TA sections but then, it won't matter because you already failed everything else.

In addition to that, your summary overview is missing a few important elements such as the names of the 4 countries, the type of measurement used, and years indicated. Finally, you forgot to compare the overlapping points in the line graph which indicate points where oil consumption would be the same for all 4 nations. That is important because these illustrations always ask the writer to "make comparisons where applicable" and you failed to do that.

Good work on the trending statement though. That is the one part you got right in this essay.

Graduate / Knowledge is power. SOP For polymer science school [3]

Ashkan, this is a very good personal statement, it is a horrible statement of purpose. It doesn't refer to any information that a statement of purpose normally contains. It does not tell the reviewer about the foundation of your interest, the training (academic and professional) that you received in order to grow your interest in the field, nor does it contain a goal for your future interests.

A proper statement of purpose kicks off with a reference to your college level prep work for this career. A reference to your recognition in the academic field and an explanation of your thesis would help establish a strong background in the field. Your professional career should be presented as evidence of the evolution of your interest in polymer science. If you are going into the masters school directly from college, explain why you decided to do so. How does polymer science connect with mechanical engineering? That is where your purpose comes into the discussion.

Connect what advancements you have seen in the field of mechanical engineering that you feel will benefit from a direct integration with polymer science. How does the combination create a better final product? As part of your possible masters thesis, explain what kind of results you hope to have achieved through your studies. What sort of breakthrough are you aiming to make? How is that relevant to your profession?

How long do you think it will take you to achieve your plans? Explain what you hope to accomplish over 5 years in this field of combined technologies in order to prove the ultimate purpose of your masters degree studies.

Scholarship / Cooperation among the networks. Showing my professional networking for essay Chevening [3]

Annisa, this is not a networking essay. You only enumerated how you do your tasks to complete your job requirements. These are not true networking situations nor are these considered in-house networks. This is not a networking essay. You cannot use this essay.

For the networking essay, you must display at least a national series of work related contacts who have helped you in the performance of your tasks. This means you should not be using only in-house networks, but outside networks as well. That is why you need to explain how you build your networks. These are built over time through training programs, seminars, overseas travel for work related tasks, and other similar practices. You need to show an interaction with your network in order to explain how you develop and nurture these "out of location" networks.

The way you showcased your essay, it appears that you are not in a position of responsibility that allows you to develop such a network. Neither do you have tasks that require the existence of these networks. The network that you try to show here is not impressive nor relevant enough to pass as a series of connected individuals that Chevening would be interested in including in its roster of students and contacts through students.

You also do not explain in any manner, why Chevening should give your network any consideration. There is no clear indication as to how these people will work in the Chevening community. How do they increase the profile of the Chevening network? As of now, it doesn't.

Scholarship / My career with pharmaceutical formulations. Essay about my study plan for Chevening [4]

Elaine, your opening paragraph is not clear. The paragraph does not tell me how your education prepared you for your current career and how it applies to your interest in an MS course. The hanging sentence about Sertao does not make any sense. It will be best to remove that reference instead. Or, try to develop it into a paragraph that connects with the rest of the essay.

With regards to your first choice university, you mention the name of the professor but not what your exposure to him is supposed to achieve. You need to clarify that or remove the reference to the professor completely since that does not really have a direct relation to your skills as required for the completion of this course.

You lack a professional foundation presentation that can convince the reviewer that you have the professional capacity to address the MSc course requirements for any of the courses you have chosen. Develop that as a closing paragraph for your essay.