Undergraduate / Why engineering at Ryerson admission essay; 'fascinated with mathematics' [9]

I now believe that Ryerson is the best university which will aid place for me to accomplish m y goal of becoming a biomedical engineer. Ryerson's grand location at the heart of downtown provides an excellent Don't write about the location in the last para. The last para is your grand finale, the profound final thoughts.

In fact, don't write about the location at all; it always sounds like a brochure when kids do that.

Location is sort of a superficial reason for choosing a school...

Instead of...new passion in the biological field of science,... you should write:
new passion for (name a particular kind of biology)

It really reflects a serious student; you are doing well! Go help some other people and ask them to gie their advice about your essay -- multiple perspectives!

Undergraduate / Hospitals in Pakistan, International concern [7]

Well, I can't write it for you... I think what you should do is google: descriptive writing

Get all fired up about writing a paragraph that beautifully describes your grandmother, and show us!

I really love your ending...

Undergraduate / My limits, America - a signifcent risk or ethical dilemma and its impact on you [9]

I think the second essay is a better piece of writing. Even that first line is really.. gripping. Ha ha, it really gets my attention as an American person. :-)

I know they always say you are supposed to tell about your personal qualities, but that is what makes admissions essays so boring usually! You create a great experience for the reader in the second essay. that's what I think, but it's just my opinion.

Your definition of ethical dilemma is correct.

Undergraduate / "mouth-watering contributions " - UC Essay Prompt 1 - Community [3]

Thanks Eric! I have been feeling overwhelmed by all the essays, and your feedback is great!

...family has brought together more than thirty of our closest friends to our home for this annual celebration of thanks.

If you use this as the last sentence of the first para, I think you MUST have a thesis sentence at the beginning of the second para. Let that first para set the scene, because it is beautifully written, but then use the first sentence of the 2nd para to give, succinctly, the central truth of the essay.

:-)
Kind regards!!!

Undergraduate / "The university fund project" - Why are you considering The Ohio State University? [4]

This part is great!!!
All above are the external elements of my decision. No one can make regretless action without following his heart. So am I! I love it...

All the topics above are the external elements of my decision. No one can make regretless action without following her or his heart. So am I!-----> I added "her," because that makes it gender inclusive AND it is an alliteration!!

:-) You have some deep thinking going on...

This is why God invented colons:
That's the main reason that I choose Ohio State University: starting my new life there.

Undergraduate / "better interpersonal relationship" - UC Prompt #2 [10]

My boss, Mrs. Shi, t hought the new employee...

You need commas to separate "extra" phrases like that.

You should write a full paragraph before getting into the story. Write a full intro paragraph, and have it's last sentence be a sentence about the main idea of the essay. It should be a sentence about what it means to have good communication. Make it an impressive insight, and then proceed to illustrate it with your story.

...changed me from an introverted person to a communicative person.----> I like it better this way, but you were not mistaken.

Boxin, why is it unfair to give ideas for improving the composition? That is what we are here for! :-) We should not do the work for the person, though... that is why it is best to correct individual sentences instead of pasting the whole essay into your response...

Graduate / LSE application, for Dev Studies, personal statement [13]

Hello! I think ten is better than 10

Need a comma:
...working as a humanitarian aid worker, but what set me apart from the rest was that I was not in the profession for only monetary gains.

I think you could express this fact in half the number of words you use.

I see that you mentioned that you are going to revise according to smith's advice, and as you do, I think you should find ways to use fewer words -- like a boxer with a good hit to miss ratio. Pack a strong punch!

I look forward to the next draft.

Instead of: "I believe that my academic qualifications and experience as a humanitarian aid worker in Africa has prepared me to pursue Development Studies," just write:

Humanitarian work has enhanced my perspective and sent my aspirations in the direction of Developmental Studies.

I am jealous of how cool your life is going to be doing this kind of work! I hope you are effective. You write very well.

Writing Feedback / Toefl Integrated task" William shakespeare" [2]

Thanks, Mashhadi, for this great work. I know that takes a long time! I hope your teachers will someday see this page and the help you gave!

Hi Pooj, you don't need to use both "in contrast" and "on the other hand," because they mean the same thing:

In contrast, the lecture on the other hand, refutes the...

Do not capitalize words that should not be capitalized:
Second, The the author...

Mashhadi corrected everything! I hope you'll go look at her essays and return the favor. I see that you have been very active here at EF, and I appreciate it!

Book Reports / Comparative Essay - "A good man is hard to find", and "the faery handbag" [3]


I know what you mean, Chloe, I hate that!!

google this: compare contrast essay. bookrags.com/articles/5.html

Do not write the intro paragraph first! Write it at the end, after you see the form the essay has taken.

Start by thinking about the truth behind each book, the meaning. Do they conflict with each other? That would be interesting. Are both authors saying the same thing in different ways? Write a paragraph that tells about the main idea of one book, and maybe throw in a quote, and then write a para about the main idea of the other book.

You'll build momentum, and the essay will take form.

Essays / Argumentative essay about interracial marriage - thesis statements [3]

A thesis statement should be "arguable" in any essay, especially in an argumentative essay. Who could argue with this thesis? You have to make a thesis that some people would disagree with! That is the trick! :-) Do not state the obvious! :) Look up "argumentative essay" with google for good ideas.

Undergraduate / "the high-level knowledge" - UC #2: 2 experience [3]

I could obviously find disparity

Contrary to renouncing the opportunity, I kept going and attained the...

Oh, I see that you just have to work on verb conjugation. When you write something, you should know if the verb has to be present tense or past tense. This can only be learned from reading a lot! You have to read good books out loud to get used to the way verbs change in various situations.

Should we stop or keep going after having made some progress? What can truly lead people to the success, intelligence or persistence? After I reviewed my personal experience, I was aware of what the answers are.

:-) I see that you know a lot about how to write good essays! It is a great opening line, too. Keep reading books out loud. I suggest you read a whole Stephen King novel while speaking each word aloud.

Writing Feedback / Toefl essay on Silvio Berlusconi. [4]


Yes, I know what you mean!! You are great, I'm inspired by bilingual people.

You wrote know instead of now. Be careful of that!


As all of the people in the world know, he is also one of the richest people in the world...

You should always use "people" instead of men; it's a way of trying to be gender-inclusive.

If I had the opportunity to meet him I just would like to ask a question.
What do you think the history will say about you in 20 years? For s ure you will be considered at the same level of Mussolini, are you not...

Undergraduate / Describe the world you come from and how it shapes your dreams? For UC Berkeley [4]

Since childhood, my world was surrounded by math ; the myriad of mix of 10 digits was like a magic hand which tightly held a child's heart.------> very interesting statement aout math. Why was it so satisfying for you? That is interesting...

Commas:
I would have an excellent study of mathematics in university, and with this...

My father is a former accountant, and my mother is a husbandly housewife, so you can see...

You should read online about proper use of commas.

It's beautiful... you write beautifully. I think you should include some more discussion of how you will apply your skill -- more about what kind of professions and courses are exciting for you.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL]Tidal Power_Integrated task. [3]

This is perfect English! You don't have any mistakes that I can see.

I just have some ideas for you:
...or even destroying the current creatures' habitats . More seriously, this can lead to the decline of the local economy because people who live with fishing career now cannot navigate to the sea any more. ---- is the economy more serious than the lives of the creatures?

All these things seem to cast doubt on the claims made in the reading, which backs up supports the view that tidal power has much positive influence on the environment, su ch as providing renewable, environmental - friendly source of power for human beings

Essays / Shoppers: Division/Classification Essay [3]

I'm really sorry I didn't get to this in time for your deadline! I hope you clicked around EssayForum and looked at all the advice we give people about that. You can even do a word search, for example, "thesis"

Good luck!! :-) Did you get through it okay? It really becomes easier if you take some time to read a few articles about the subject. I bet there are some good articles about classifications of shoppers if you google it...

Undergraduate / "Born in China mainland" - Dickinson essay [10]

That Benjamin Rush seems to have been a deep thinker.

I think you cando something clever by writing about the implication of the statement: if we do not belong only to ourselves, but instead belong to others as well, it follows that others also belong to us!

These issues are still pending, waiting for us to deal with them .

Hey, I just noticed your cool writing style, despite a few errors caught by these awesome reviews above. I must arouse in others the same motivation that I aroused in my peers from school -- and this requires charisma and leadership.

Undergraduate / "I was born in a business environment" - UC Prompt [4]

That's an important observation from linmark, good call!

I also think you should "revise for conciseness." Eliminate unnecessary words in little ways... like this:

I have thoroughly enjoyed all of the business-relat ed classes that I have taken at Fullerton College.

Saying the same thing in fewer words leaves more of the reader's attention available for enjoying the EXPERIENCE you are providing for them.

Essays / Develop a thesis statement for KING LEAR: hidden loyalty/ blindness and sight / argument [9]


Ha ha, your teacher should find a better way to explain that! She probably means it should be "arguable," which is all about making sure your essay is not one big statement of the obvious.

How can you think the phrasing of this is awkward? It's wonderful! But I hope you'll precede that thesis with a clever intro sentence for the paragraph. Make it a thoughtful observation of the underlying truth of the thesis...prhaps the implications of it.

Undergraduate / My world, my Greek family, my dreams - UC Prompt #1; Weightlifting and Psychology [12]


How do you know!? You might soon come up with the most powerful, transformational prose anyone has ever seen. It's about providing someone with an experience.

The world I have come from is a world that honestly is much different than many others'. ----right here, intrigue the reader by saying this in a clever way! The philosopher named Hobbes once wrote that one of the purposes of language is to delight one another with interesting ways of expressing simple ideas. I bet you could come up with a great new way to write this first sentence. Look at some other essays' first sentences for ideas... not to take their ideas, obviously, but for inspiration.

Hey, this is some very good writing, you are better than you might think! But I see that your topic sentences for these paragraphs are all un-entertaining. Can you find clever ways to write these first sentences? Read some pages of a great book, and it will get you in the right state of mind for creativity.

Undergraduate / Need Critiquing on my Cornell Interest Essay (CAS) [21]


That is some good introspection!! Usually I advise people to act decided even if they are not quite decided... because it is important to act resolute, passionate, and methodical, but... I think you achieve something very good with this approach.

I think you should mention some of the profs for which the school is known instead of just referring to them generally -- naturally, you should mention articles, etc. by profs whose specializations are aligned with your interests.

Seriously, this is looking pretty impressive now! I don't even mind the word copious as you use it in that first sentence... Looking good! Maybe you write well because you are related to Anne Sexton?

Grammar, Usage / Sentence about the national anthem review [3]


Ha ha, well, you have a cool way with words, anyway! Hey, you should google this: individualism collectivism cultures American Latin Mexican
...and I bet you will find a great article to mention in this essay!!!

I think national anthems and other social practices reflect culture in a meaningful way. From my experience of being with Mexican friends in the dorm, I found out that ...

...occasions in a very festive and upbeat way.

Here Matching the anthem with the way my Mexican friends celebrate together, I gained profound insight into the nature of their culture.

Undergraduate / Ever since I can remember, my biggest hero was Steve Irwin - The Crocodile Hunter [4]


This part is an opportunity to show how committed and passionate you are about your chosen major, plans for college, etc. As it is now, this essay is a little general; you have some cool sentence structure... for example, I read, "Be it the physical strength of a man who wrestles crocodiles for a living, or the moral strength of a teenage girl who has the courage to stand up against peers that attempt to pressure her into things she does not agree with..." and I'm thinking, Cool sentence! but then it ends in an anti-climactic way: strength is an important thing. and I think nooooooo! you should say something profound here, like a zen master or yoda.

BTW Mary, you gave some very thoughtful feedback here, thank you! You are cool...

Samantha, as you work with this some more... do not just say "Artes is next" as the first sentence of a paragraph. And do not state the obvious: Vires signifies strength. they already know that, so again, be a zen master. Give your deepest insights. Strength to me means something different than what it means to Oprah Winfrey or Deepak Chopra. What does strength mean to you, and how does it relate to your career aspirations? I look forward to seeing another draft with no "unhelpful" sentences. :-)

Graduate / My Motivation Letter to a Fellowship Admission (pharmaceutical industry) [3]

Hi Lisa,

I can see that you are a very methodical thinker. I often recommend to people that they should mention the names of specific professors and resources at the school. At the end, you mention the name of a prof, but I think you should also mention some accomplishments or articles by that prof so that the reader knows you are not just "name dropping" in a meaningless way. For example, I would really like to learn from Fritjof Capra because of his work combining ancient mysticism and modern physics. Maybe the teacher whose name you are mentioning has some accomplishment that are aligned with your SPECIFIC interests in the field of microbiology.

Now... you have to work on using te past tense for verbs:

In my childhood, I never knew what I really want to do in my life. But, when I came into the Microbiology class in the fourth semester of my undergraduate program, I realized that this subject is going to be my future, and I wanted to dedicate my life in science. I became a motivated person and have many dreams that I should gain in my find my purpose in life as a scientist.

Microbiology soon became a major and fascinating topic in my life. At the following year, I decided to do a final project in medical microbiology, entitled "xxxxxx". It was an invaluable moment to do something that I really want. At one time, I faced an unusual situation. After reading many journals and books, I feel like living in a different world, full of fantasy about bacteria and how someday human beings will be able to talk with them. It was an unbelievable and invaluable moment and I always want to have it again. (you already said it was invaluable)

I believe I am able to help my community in reducing multi-drug resistance occurrence by studying about bacterial communication in pathogenic organisms and this lead me to continue on my postgraduate study.------> good! how can the prof you mention help with that. Cite some of her work.

On behalf Trying to enact my plan to conduct research specialized in bacterial communication, I found Good!!

Oh, I see that you mentioned that the prof specializes in biofilm formation of Neisseria meningitidis, so I was wrong earlier. You DID tell why this prof is a good mentor for you. Has se written any articles that you can cite?

Sorry it took me so long to get to your post! It's impressive! One way to improve your writing is to notice that you often use "on" in places where you should use "in." On a day when you are not busy, look at the uses of "on" and "in" in some well-written literature to study them.

:-)

Undergraduate / 7th Inning Stretch, Baseball - UC [2]

thefreedictionary.com/unrequited

If a grin escapes your face, that seems to mean it leaves your face, but I don't think that is what you mean...

I hereby order you to execute at least 8 adjectives and adverbs. Kill them dead, no mercy. Writing is not about collecting a bunch of big words and squeezing them into an essay. It is nice to have a big vocab, but it is more important to write in a natural, authentic way:

Being fully Aware of the dreadful failure of many immigrants to effectively assimilate into American culture, I take pride in my integration into the society I by which I was once shunned; an experience as simple as...

Think of what is the main idea of the essay -- and make it something quite deep, unexpectedly insightful, your best insight about the meditation of baseball and its ability to empower you to transcend cultural differences. Write about that as the last sentence of the first paragraph. That will make the whole essay more powerful.

Undergraduate / "the western coast of India" - world you come from [3]


It really is a great essay, I agree! But don't forget this requirement above! You said very little about what fascinates you most, what area of expertise you will claim as your own and how you uniquely approach this field you are going to enter.

The trick is to add a sentence to the end of the 1st para, and let it be your most profound sentence, your most profound observation. Let it capture the central meaning of the essay. Then, use the conclusion to talk about it again. "It" has to be your clear vision of the future, complete with details about the specific work you will do. What kind of articles do you read, and what is going to be your specific approach you your chosen field. If it is hard to write about that, read some articles for inspiration!

:-)

Undergraduate / Surgery as a child, impact on my life, help revise my personal statement [6]

PLEASE scrap the first few sentences and start with this awesome line:
I do not yet know the exact cause of my head surgery, but I am determined to find out...

I love it when people write sentences that are so intriguing. Intrigue is a funny thing to understand. I think this sentence should be the first in the essay. :-)

Then, get right to the point, and tell about how the doctor had saved your life, and this became a theme or you ----> Directing this to me as a child, A doctor had saved my life, so why not do the same and improve and promote the health and wellness of other kids?

You can cut most of that second paragraph -- and really, you need to spend more time at the end discussing specifically what you want to do as a professional.

:-)

Undergraduate / 'My father was born in Bolivia' - Most Significant Person - common app [4]


All this material above... it all basically says the same thing, which is that his determination inspires determination in you -- and that is quite cliched in admissions essays.

BUT, I am not asking you to change it completely. I just want you to Add more depth by relating anecdotes about times when you faced situations that made you reflect on his accomplishments, etc.

Undergraduate / Psych Major/Volunt Exp/Mothers PhD influence? - UC Transf. Prompt 1 & 2 [5]


Scrap the first sentence and start with this one (above). Then, talk about how your evaluation of personality types evolved into an interest in (name a type of psychology).

You should specify a school of thought... like, cognitive psych, or psychoanalysis, or existentialism. Also, specify certain techniques: Maybe you are interested in REBT (Ellis) for example. Learn about a particular kind of psychology, and show that you are already being proactive about your studies!

Congratulations on writing a brilliant essay down below, there. I think the beginning is intriguing, and... the ending, though, the ending needs to finish by telling "how does it relate to the person you are" -- and that has something to do with the program into which you are enrolling.

Undergraduate / UT Introductory statement-"Someone who has made an impact on your life..." [4]

Mousily slipping through the unwieldy doors, I turned to find, to my relief, that our director was waiting for us.-----> This is such a great sentence!!!! mousily... hahahah!

Oh... the ending is bad. :-(

This essay is supposed to be about him and the experience of being changed by his influence. Quote him and describe a situation in which his words suddenly became very meaningful to you. Compare him to other people. Analyze your own thoughts about him, and why you were so affected by him. More than half of this essay right now -- the first half -- is about something else. revise, revise! :-)))

Undergraduate / Paint a verbal portrait of an ideal physician... [4]

Neil, this is great writing, but I agree that you are not going to seem outstanding if you submit it this way. Like linmark said, this prompt refers to something visual. They want an essay that is beautiful DESCRIPTIVE writing about a physician.

Google: descriptive essay

You will have no trouble reworking this! Just take inspiration from this version, and write an essay that is all about a person. You have to see her, and describe her.

Undergraduate / "church has always been a big priority" - duquesne admission essay [2]

Duquesne will enable me to extend my spiritual goals as I would like to become a Eucharistic minister in the near future. (follow this up with a sentence that shows you know something about Duke's unique environment for tis, compared to other environments).

Well, the god news is that you have something meaningful that seems to be going on here. I would like it if you mentioned your interest in psych at the beginning of the essay, and let it be that your Dad's suicide sent you reeling into introspection, and you affirmed your resolute decision to become (insert a specific kind of psychology here.)

Look online at the various psychological traditions, choose one, and talk about your interest in it in the essay. I see in my crystal ball that you will be an existential therapist a few years from now.

Undergraduate / "The Other Stoke"-UC Essay Prompt #1 [3]

overtime as one word means... like... working overtime.

In your essay, use 2 words: over time. like, over the course of time.

I think you should condense this whole thing into one good paragraph, and then end the essay with a reflective paragraph that talks about your chosen career in terms of windsurfing. Can you find that fulfillment in your chosen field? Make room to tell them about the "person you have becme"

Undergraduate / UT essay - person of impact on you and importance of that person [9]

Oh... I see at the start, it is a little confusing:

Everyone has experienced a time when one person changed their view and attitude towards life, influencing what they do in the future and what they make of it.

That might be better.

Well, for it to be competitive, it has to make the reader feel like it really is important to admit you. For that reason, you might want to change the topic sentences (first sentence of every para) so that they somehow refer to the importance of you attending T, with its specific resources and faculty, etc. WHILE you answer the prompt, you can plant suggestions about how crucial it is for you to be able to attend this school, your first choice.

Undergraduate / 'helping out my parents' - UC Prompt 2: Talent, Personal quality [3]

Even though he is cranky, stubborn, impatient, and belligerent, bringing him under control requires...

think you can get rid of a lot of the detail about his behavior... everyone knows the circumstances of ADHD. Instead of those details, use this opportunity to demonstrate your emotional intelligence and clarity of mind. The trick is to write this essay about a person who is resolute, focused, and ready for college... and you USE the anecdote about your brother to support that notion.

Undergraduate / Application letter to Mission College [3]

What an interesting requirement!

Well, you are not to write a letter or a journal entry. Write a professional letter.

business.lovetoknow.com/wiki/Professional_Letter_Samples

Undergraduate / Bucknell Essay 2/3 About Me's [4]

Even as a child, I have always loved music. ---> You don't need to include "have," so leave it outl It weakens the sentence a little.

These are great! Your writing sort of proves that you have gone deep into the meditation of making music.

Undergraduate / "journey to success in America" - Describe the world you come from [4]

Yes, this is a good one. My only advice is that you should probably get specific at the end about what your plan is. What are the organizations you would like to work for, or what is the kind of business you want to enter? You do not talk about your dreams and aspirations, but it is your dreams and aspirations that you are trying to achieve by enrolling in this school -- so tell them about your plan. Plan it all out!

Undergraduate / How I Role Model (UC PROMPT #1) [5]

I see that Susan got the errors... but little things could be improved, like... no comma is necessary here:
"Why would my brother want to be like me?", It would be necessary if there was not question mark.

Also, "double-standard" is usually used to refer to unfairly judging others!

Undergraduate / Calli (Common App. Essay) - Something can fall in a heartbeat. [12]

Yes, Tsz, I just was talking about that in your thread, here: The use of present tense is a good technique.

Undergraduate / "THE NARRATOR?" - UC Prompts #1 [16]

Awkward silence followed, and then I replied, "Oh... yea I think it is because I was out in the sun all day yesterday."

Don't switch verb tenses:
I lied ; I was home the day before doing homework.

Oh, wait a minute, much of this is written in the present verb tense. I like that. My mistake... keep it the way it is.

I really like the way you were able to write it all in the present tense, and it creates a virtual reality experience for the reader.