Essays / Influential Black Person (a local essay contest) [11]

Fredrick Douglas is a good one if you want to read some good literature.

Essays / Deductive vs Inductive in a critique essay [3]

Start by writing a paragraph that consists of what you told us here. This is a great explanation. Elaborate, and tell some of the examples the author gave.

At the end of each paragraph you write about it, make an observation about the reasoning being used. For example:

The author claims that this is an example of the way a free market society indirectly leads to addiction.

And is it inductive or deductive? You need to really understand them... deductive means to deduct things, to rule them out until only one is left. Inductive means to make an inference... to look at a pattern and make a prediction. Which does this seem to be? Does he rule things out or look for patterns?

Poetry / Poem about Nothing.... [10]

You can click on someone's username to see all their work!

I am trying to understand... is this about death? I hope not; that would be pretty grim!! I am glad that there is obviously something right now. Proof that something is possible. Maybe this body is nothing in particular, made up of the same stuff as everything else, but the fact of the matter is that consciousness rises up into the world of form. So... that is really something.

Writing Feedback / What person from the past would you like to meet? [4]

...meet a person from past, then it would undoubtedly MR Mahatma Gandhi. I would like to meet him for many reasons. In the following paragraphs I will try to explain the reason for my meeting.

Actually, I like flying seahors's suggestion of cutting those sentences out and merging the two paragraphs.

Mention patience, positive attitude, and confidence in that first paragraph; that way, at the end the reader will realize that the whole essay was about wanting to meet him and learn those qualities.

Book Reports / Shakespeare's Measure for Measure [9]

Yeah, and paradigm refers to something like an era... a paradigm of widely accessible information, for example.. the information age.

Wow, sounds like a tough class!! You know, teachers really are supposed to be clear about what is required for a good grade. They are encouraged to provide grade rubrics. Do you get something like that to tell you what is required of you?

What was on the test you flunked? Fill in the blank stuff? Sometimes, the thing to do is read an analysis of each section before reading the section -- so that you can understand the old English.

Interestingly, some ancient Chinese texts about Qigong have been translated in recent years, and Dr. Yang Jwing Ming says there is a similar difficulty... old Chinese is like old English, hard for modern people to understand...

So use analyses and notes as you study!

Research Papers / factors affecting stock market - Research topic [21]

It's easy!

Last name, first name. Title in Italic typefont. Place: Publisher, date.

It is different for articles than for books, but not too hard!! And if you make little mistakes it is okay, because everybody struggles with citation -- including teachers!

This will show you examples:

Writing Feedback / newspaper is going to die in the near future due to popularity of the internet? [3]

Thanks Darius, that is some great work!

This essay is good! It does not have many mistakes...

...people often talk...

at the beginning, you are writing about whether the demand for newspaper will die, but at the end you conclude that the newspaper is interesting. I think you should change that first sentence of the last paragraph to match your thesis statement from the first paragraph.

Good luck!!

Undergraduate / why I choose MHC--MHC's why essay [3]

The first batch of universities that come to mind are the American schools that are widely renowned in China, such as MIT, Stanford, and other schools that arouse my great interest in American education.

I think you should start a new paragraph after this: ...learning environment. right after that sentence, write one more sentence -- a sentence about wanting to achieve all that your Mom and grandma would want you to achieve. That way, when you mention it in the last paragraph is will give nice closure to the essay.

...proved her assertion that girls were just as able to achieve high standards in science.

...so as to continue in honor of my mom's ambition and grandma's spirit.

Undergraduate / My secret--personal essay on common application [8]

...that I would no longer be dad's dearest daughter, and I felt that my family was completely smashed.

Should I tell them that I cherish life because of a revelation I had when my mum died? when I was five? Only say "when I was five" one time.

What does this sentence mean----> Many years later, I learn that if she paid less attention to her research, her disease can be cured. I'm confused by it.

I think you should type fifty-four instead of 54, five instead of 5.

:-)))

Undergraduate / My Personal Statement for Common App(Image of homeless kids and its impact on me [9]

I could recognize the sound of happiness. ------> Great sentence!!

I was watching them the whole time and wondering why I felt strange and confused; then, I t urned my head around once more and let my eyes linger on the two tiny figures fading further and further away.

In that very split second, they smiled to each other, holding the...

I think you should add a sentence to the end of that first paragraph -- a sentence that will hint at the moral of the story... happiness is a choice.

Writing Feedback / My favorite English teacher in my life [4]

My favorite teacher was an English teacher I met when I was in senior high school. Her name was Jenny, and she changed the way that I think about language. Before I met her in senior high, I used to despise English class, and it used to be my weakest subject. So, I didn't like to study English, but she told me that she went through very hard experience in the childhood. I realized that study English is very important to me. After that, I respected her and bu now I remember her as the best teacher for me.

Writing Feedback / Should people let their feelings guid them? [4]

Yes, that's right. The thesis should go right at the end of that short first paragraph you have. Now, subjective means to see something from one's own perspective, and objective means to see it without distorting it by viewing it through the lens of preconceived ideas... let the reader know exactly what you are talking about in that first paragraph. Good idea!!

This has great potential. In that first para, tell the reader that both ways of thinking can be right or wrong, depending on the situation.

In the last paragraph, describe the same idea in different words. That will give the essay some structure... good intro and conclusion provide structure.

Writing Feedback / endangered animals - toefl 48 [3]

...space cannot necessarily be the best way to achieve long-term development and sustainability.

...would disagree with this point; I think we should care more about saving land for endangered animals .

...the diversity of life and living systems is ... (the diversity...is...)

This should be one sentence; otherwise, the second one is incomplete:
Admittedly, we can also not deny that human needs for farmland,housing and industry are important, bec ause with the...

...one of the most important reasons , ethics also help to...

What is this pat supposed to mean? ---> 56.7%industry company exist the phenomenon of pollution. .... do you mean that 56.7 percent of companies cause pollution? I don't understand that sentence.

You do not have very many mistakes, though!!

Undergraduate / Uchicago Supplemental Essay: Why Chicago? Portion in need of a honest appraisal. [9]

That is funny about the alter-ego, I didn't notice it was you! I suggest:

but as a unified force acting from within.

or...

but as a unified force from within.

In some places, that rhyming dictionary may have served you poorly... because when you start adjusting what you say to accommodate the rhyme it is no good... like with "hurkle." It seems like you choose what you say based on what rhymes, and that is not the best kind of poetry.

Writing Feedback / Subjects such as art, music, and drama should be a part of every child's basic education [4]

In All over the world some, people think differently about school curriculum. Some people think subjects such as art, music, and drama should be a part of every child's basic education, while other people think they should not.

That is my suggestion for a better first sentence. Great progress in this thread...

Writing Feedback / 'Financially a better choice' - Rogerian Argumental essay On Wal-Mart [2]

Like for any big corporation, Wal-Mart often faces lawsuits and accusations ; for...

Wow, many people would disagree with this! Wal-Mart uses its leverage to lock its suppliers into arrangements where they can be exploited. You argue that Wal-Mart is only one of many companies that use ruthless practices, but... to many people Wal-Mart represents the epitome of that kind of ruthless practice.

You should give some examples of the giving programs; that will make the essay stronger. It is very clearly written, but it does not tackle all the serious claims made about Wal-Mart. I suggest reading a few articles that speak negatively about the company, and see if you can refute their claims.

Graduate / SOP help for Master Program on Construction Management [9]

In my opinion, it is best to convey a sense that you are fired up about your goals. Write the letter with a "voice" that says you are passionate and serious, and that you have the next several years planned out. I think you should include a sentence in the intro paragraph about how going to this college to which you're applying is a crucial part of the process you have planned.

In the beginning, perhaps you should also list the subjects you will cover in the essay; list them somewhere in the first paragraph. That first paragraph is important for "supporting" the rest of the essay with a solid introduction.

Thanks, Alexandr and Feng&Chen, for your great work!!!

Undergraduate / (Answered prompt correctly?) - University of Michigan Diversity Essay [3]

Yes, that's right, individualism is a little different. It is too general, so how about instead you brainstorm 5 characteristics that best define you. I'll wait here while you think of what they are.

Think of five... I'll wait here.

Okay, now those 5 characteristics that describe you... which one is most related to openness and acceptance of people? Maybe you are empathetic, for example. Or maybe you have a gift for encouraging people. Give a personal anecdote that shows how your personality brings people together. In writing, they say, "show, don't tell." Show examples... and express enthusiasm about bringing people together as a student at their fine institution...

:)

Undergraduate / My positive attitude ; University of Wisconsin-Madison Statements [2]

Enduring this process, I believe, has made me a better person. ----> I bet you are right!! How difficult that must have been. I tried getting used to using cntact lenses, which must be a lot easier, and I couldn't do it!! :)

Oh, you are a poet! No wonder I could not find any mistakes in your writing. You can sense how good structure should be. And you write with rhythm! Very good... I think you need a few more sentences in the last para of that first one, though! Tell an example to back up the claim. Maybe you have used your insight from the infusions to ... to help someone adjust to having to do something similar, or to help someone get over the fear of needles. You could give an example to show that you applied the insight you got.

You also needed to use a special state of mind. You needed to say"yes" to the present moment. Write some more about having to keep a positive attitude...

Undergraduate / 'Learning, seeing, understanding more' - Common app essay- why I chose my major [7]

No need for a comma here:
...such complex emotions in so few notes and the way...

There is an expression: Experts criticize. Some people, like Mustafa, have deep insight into prose, so it makes them appreciate only very excellent writing. But this essay is not so bad.

It's hard to identify exactly what makes writing "good." You need to create an experience for the reader. In order to do that, use words that will make images arise in the mind. For example, instead of saying "scientist" at the end of that first paragraph, say: physicist working with particle accelerators in search of the "God particle." ... or whatever kind of scientist you want to be.

But give words that evoke feelings and images.

This has an intriguing argument. You are right that most of us think of art and science as opposites, so I am intrigued by your claim that they are similar.

Charge this up with energy words, image words.

Hi Mustafa! Long time, good to see you. :-)

Undergraduate / Elaborate on one of your activities.(Yale essay) [7]

Great job Caley!!

Sumit, wow, I got a great idea. I disagree with Aristotle and think the quality of life is determined by one's state of mind, regardless of activities... so that made me think that at the end you could write about how the excitement you felt about that project made you feel excited about everything else, too. So, you can finish by saying that you learned that your state of mind is actually just as important as your activities. Can you find some inspiration for that? It would give the essay a unique them, if you can rise to the occasion and write about that contrast.

Undergraduate / making a difference via coaching soccer - 150 words [12]

I think the first line would be more impressive if, instead of saying you enjoy it because it does not cause brain ache, you say you enjoy it because it is so meditative. One zen master defined zen like this: the practice of zen is forgetting the self in the act of uniting with something. That is why we love things we can get lost in, I think.

So, you use soccer as a way of inducing that meditation and casting aside the ordinary brain ache of constant thinking. With soccer or any other meditative practice, you can become so absorbed in activity that the mind becomes quiet. This would be a more impressive focus... more impressive than wanting to avoid activities that make your brain ache. :)

The anecdote about coaching soccer is great. What does soccer have that other sports so not have for bringing people together? What makes soccer so special in this regard? Oh, I know! I think soccer is the most popular sport in the world, isn't that correct? So, you can argue that it is inter-cultural, the most popular in the world.

Writing Feedback / Not Easily Broken: An Examination of Friendships(english essay) [2]

...That is what Amir is thinking before he commits the sins against his friend...

I really like how you started that first para with a quote and ended it with the title and thesis. Excellent! I became a better writer by reading this. :-)

I think you should not start any of the body paragraphs with quotes, though. Teachers like to see you introduce the quotes by making a claim, and let the quotes serve to illustrate the claim. If you do not write a sentence before the quote, it is called a "dropped quotation," because you simply drpped it on us without warning.

However, at the start of the essay you make great use of a dropped quotation.

...and the fragile relationship between members of different social classes.

Undergraduate / Rutgers Admission Essay-benefit from and contribute to an environment [6]

You are not supposed to end sentences with prepositions, so ...

...in the Monmouth County town where I grew up.

comma:
and culturally diverse, I was quite intrigued.

You are starting to talk about all kinds of things. Stay focused:
How would you benefit from and contribute to such an environment?

Name specific examples. Are you interested in learning more languages in order to use them when you practice medicine? Physicians need to understand cultural differences. Read an article about trans-cultural nursing, too, and maybe cite it. Your aspiration to be a physician makes it important for you to understand various cultures.

Talk about starting a community of students who want to promote inter-cultural harmony and understanding.

Undergraduate / Question about Umich's Diversity.. Modern Art [10]

Hi Chuen Lai,

this should be a reflective sort of narrative, a thoughtful story. Know what I have never seen? An essay about how learning about Darwin's Theory of Evolution caused someone to appreciate cultural diversity. that would be interesting, if you read a few articles and figure out the connections.

Also, though, you might want to take the more common approach, which is to tell a story about an experience with 2 or more cultures. What other culture have you exprienced in a memorable way... a way that made you stop to think about their culture?

Undergraduate / "My fear of time" - Describe a Significant Moment In Your Life [6]

I understand your disdain for time. Take heart, though, because it does not really go by. Time stays right where it is, as a concept in the mind. All there is is motion; no such thing as time.

I think you should use six instead of 6.

I love the sentence about the cockeyed optimist, and the other readers of this essay will, too!

Great job with this! Personal examples of reminders about time, episodes of thinking, would help... for example, you can verify your claim of being preoccupied with time... you can verify it by giving another anecdote before the one about the conversation with your friend. You can talk about how, for example, in elementary school you were learning basic math and discovered that a life of 80 years is only 960 months... wow, that is interesting...

By giving a little example like that, you can make it seem more credible. It is already very good.

Essays / "BUt that's the way we've always done it!" Thesis and Essay [8]

Hi Amber!

This part may feel wrong because the sentence about the horse, buggy, and black president distract the reader, but if you merge the sentences it is easier to follow:

We went from the horse and buggy to cars without much fuss, and we even went from only white presidents to electing a black president, so why are we taking so long to adopt the metric system?

This sentence has errors involving number agreement:

Aside from Burma and Liberia, the United States of America is the only country on the planet whose an official standard of measurement that is not metric. ----> there, that is better!

How about this:
The United States is in some ways very open-minded, but in other ways we are simply unwilling to change.

Good luck!!!!

Undergraduate / BU describe yourself - how to be creative with this prompt [7]


Why? This seems like an ideal opportunity. You can be very clever about it. I don't want you to use someone else's idea... come up with some words that will remind the reader of themselves or their loved ones -- always writing with the reader in mind... trying to hypnotize the reader.

Choose words that resound in the mind of the reader... but let the words come from your own inspiration. Listen to a song by Matisyahu for inspiration! :)

Writing Feedback / "People just keep changing"; What motivates people to change? For SAT [5]

Your first sentence is great!!

Ha ha, your cool personality is reflected in your comments before the essay. Hey, what is this semi-colon doing here:
:-) ...never imagine before.; With the...

Take that out... check spelling...

Psychologists believe that society is the foundation of our existence , so when talking about what motivates us to change, the social situation we are in should be considered. for a great part.

Undergraduate / CORNELL SUPPLEMENT, GROSS NATIONAL HAPPINESS [5]

Admissions essays are supposed to be corny!

:)

This is great! Thanks so much for telling me about Gross National Happiness.

don't say "could" as if you are not serious about it. Say "will."

...education of Cornell's prestigious College of Arts and Sciences, I will use that knowledge to help develop Gross National Happiness.

I think this will do very well; it achieves what this kind of essay is supposed to achieve, which is to let the reader know you have a clear, meaningful plan.

Undergraduate / our legal justice system is faulty!! [13]

You know, some people's writing styles are much like research papers. I think it is okay, and I think it is impressive. It would only be a problem if you were not "keeping it real," you know, if you were just citing lots of sources and not writing from the heart. But this is very good.

That book is by Early, and it is Crazy: A Father's Search Through America's Mental Health Madness.

Writing Feedback / Toefl writing about "agree or disagree" [3]

You should write: ...use the protected areas... instead of "protecting areas."

And use a comma here:
...animals die out, and the valuable...

You asked about the logic of the essay, and the logic seems good. You make a good argument and back it up with an example. That is very good logic, and then, at the end, you reaffirm your point again:

In conclusion, changing the protected areas of endangered animals into farming land and industrial park is not more valuable than keeping the areas available for threatened animals.

Well done!!

Undergraduate / Page 271 of my autobiography "This bus ride is about remembering" [8]

Your username... is that the past tense form of the verb "to tofu?"

:-)

I like it!! I mean your username, but also tofu.

Undergraduate / "the Kingdom of Bhutan" - COMMON APP ESSAY, CHECK [7]

I would not change anything!! It's inspirational and heartwarming, and you write very well. Thanks so much for sharing this with us. I always recommend, though, that you mention their academic and professional plans, so that the reader knows you are focused and determined.

Undergraduate / Hard work and dedication for my future: PROFESSIONAL GOALS [6]

...my skills in project management, leade rship, business planning, market research.

You might want to write another sentence at the end to describe your envisioned business some more.

I can tell you are very intelligent, because your writing style is so methodical! I see no mistakes. You can use commas and different kinds of sentence structures, different rhythms, but actually your straightforward way is very good. I am impressed. I see no errors!!

Undergraduate / An essay that will touch the bottom of your heart. See if you agree... [2]

Hi Amy,

Please go help a few other people, especially those who seem to be struggling with a language barrier, because you can help them a lot! You can also help people whose essays impress you and ask them to click your username to find your essays and return the favor.

...confirmed by the atmosphere in the ward. (Stumbling and gravity go together in a funny way that does not apply here)

Oh, I'm so sorry you lost your Mom. I think you did a good job of explaining how it motivated you to be a doctor. You can make this better by telling the reader that you started learning about oncology, and then you became interested in other medicine as well. Cite some articles, and show us that you are already becoming an expert because of how driven you are!

the first 2 paragraphs of the 2nd essay belong with the first essay. You should start essay #2 with:
For instance, When I came...

That way, it will be all about your accomplishment of learning language. The first 2 paragraphs are about a different subject.

I hope you have lots of success as a physician!!

Graduate / China study - Brandeis International Business School--Maief [9]

Thanks Melissa! Yes, I could not figure out what that word was supposed to be.. subscribe. I'm glad you were here. :-)

How about 2 dashes here:
There in classes, it was always us -- the students -- who dominated the class.

One's own experiences are always educative. (instead of "telling")

We can make this sentence better, too... instead of "things":
Moreover, while experiencing new challenges, I have gained important insights and passed on my ideas.

This essay makes an excellent impression; you seem like a perfect student.

Undergraduate / "no sense of diversity" - My Rutgers Essay [5]

Oh..it's a bad last sentence! I am not sure if it is m own prejudice or if it is really bad... but I hink it is bad to use "lovely" because it makes it sound too much like flattery and begging! :-)

Though Rutgers may not be the best choice for everyone, I feel certain that Rutgers University is the best choice for me.

Certain is a strong word.

You can make that sentence more meaningful by giving specific examples.

I don't like the last sentence, but the essay is great!!!!

Undergraduate / UC Prompt 2 : Simply saying "No." [3]

It may sound stereotypical, but from my four years of my high school, I've known quite a lot of people who smoke weed every day and drink on occasions. Back In 9th grade , I have had a group of friends I've always used to hang out with. They all never smoked in their life and they all never really planned to.

That sentence I crossed out is not so good. You would say: None of them ever...

But that sentence is not good, anyway.

I think you could improve this essay by talking about something you DO want to do... to balance it out. Discipline is meaningful if it is purposeful. What is your purpose? Society needs people like you. Do you aspire to hold a position where you have to be alert and clear-headed all the time? If you leave it like this, it is all about what you don't do... but what do you want to accomplish?

Essays / rhetorical analysis of Martin Luther king letter from the Birimingham Jail [6]

No one who lives in the United States can be considered an "outsider."

These are brilliant, specific arguments:
"influenced by the view which argues against 'outsiders coming in'" (paragraph 1). King writes, "We are caught in an inescapable network of mutuality, tied in a single garment of destiny" (paragraph 4).

King is all about Christian fellowship and harmony among people. He is angry about the injustice, but he is calling for "brotherhood" and peace.

So... as you read, you will see that he achnowledges certain ways of thinking -- within the church or within Alabama -- and then he says something thoughtful that makes you stop to reconsider. These are the specific arguments.

Enjoy it!! This is one of his best.