Undergraduate / 'everything gets better with time' - moving from Mexico to the U.S. - UT Austin Topic A [4]

Well Juan, you certainly presented a very impressive essay. this was not merely a discussion of a different belief, but a comparison of two cultures and the differences that each culture represents. The way that you turned what was turning into a negative experience into a positive and learning one for yourself is really impressive and shows that you have the ability to fit in regardless of the situation that you are faced with. That said, I spotted a few portions in the essay that need to be corrected just to smooth out the flow of the discussion. Here are the revised essay portions:

I however , didn't react that way at all. I was honestly enthused by this idea,

When I first moved to the U.S. and started my 8th Grade year, I was so excited that I couldn't wait to see my new school and make new friends.

In Mexico and other parts of the Latin American world, we are taught to greet all members of the opposite sex with a kiss on the cheek,

That is not common here in the U.S. and I had to learn that the hard way, through many awkward encountesr when I leaned in for a kiss and I am met by a friendly hug or getting cut off with a confused stare and an awkward handshake.

I'm glad they said no, because if they hadn't I never would've gotten to experience what it's like to live among other cultures and beliefs.

People say that everything gets better with time, and I wholeheartedly agree. The longer I lived here , the more I started to understand American customs. Some even started to make sense to me. I made new friendships that have shaped me to be who I am today. I've come to grow as person in several ways. For example, I've become more outspoken, more independent, and more open-minded.

Undergraduate / I want to study the Earth and learn how it can help us in the future through its gifts - Texas essay [4]

Sara, at this point in the development of your essay, we need to make sure that the reviewer will consider it prompt responsive the minute he reads the first paragraph. At the moment, your first paragraph makes the statement come across more as a personal statement, which is a far cry from the prompt requirements listed. However, the second paragraph of your current essay can fix that problem. It should become the first paragraph instead because it really delves into your current extra curricular activity and its relation to your preparation for your career. The first paragraph, sounds too whiny and disconnected from the prompt to be useful. My suggestion is to delete that first paragraph and work with the second as the new introduction instead.

So with regards to your past and current extra curricular and academic activities, you have managed to present the information within the 2nd-4th paragraph of your current essay. What is missing is your concept of your future academic and extra curricular activities, meaning the subjects and activities that you look forward to participating in at the university, and how those will help you achieve your goals in life. You definitely need to mention at least one academic and one extra curricular activity in that respect in order to create the proper connection between your responses and the listed prompts.

Do you have any idea as to how you plan to write about that part of the essay? You may need to look at the university website for some inspiration. That is normally how you can learn about the activities and academic offerings that can be of interest to you at the college or department where you are enrolling. It should not be too hard to develop. Should you find yourself facing a blank wall though, let me know and I will see what I can do to help you get on track :-)

Graduate / Ecology and Conservation Biology: Graduate Admissions Statement of Purpose [6]

Katie, you can do away with the reference to One River at the start of your essay. If I remember correctly, you already used that book as part of your personal statement in a previous essay that I helped you edit. Now, whether you are submitting this SOP to the same school or not, the fact remains that the book does not really establish anything solidly related to your Phd, or is it a masters degree you are applying to? Regardless, the purpose of your statement should be to present your present qualifications and future plans in relation to your ultimate career or professional goal.

You have a wealth of relevant professional experience in your essay at the moment. However, not all of the work experience that you have is really as important as you think it is. Consider your participation in all of these activities, decide upon which particular projects you participated in allowed you to perform important or notable tasks that you managed to accomplish quite well. Then choose the 2 most important of these activities and use those experiences in the essay. Always set out to impress the reviewer with your work or internship related experience. You won't make an impression by presenting all of your work experience. He won't be able to remember all of those or pick the most important ones for you. It is up to you to represent yourself in the best light by choosing your most impressive and memorable project participation.

I would make a valuable addition to Oregon State's Botany and Plant Pathology Department because I readily seek opportunities to learn new techniques and topics outside of my immediate field of ecology and tropical biology. In the fall of 2014, I worked in a plant genetics lab with the goal of sharpening my technical skills in genetics. On account of this experience, I realized that interdisciplinary exchanges facilitate the exchange of technology, methods, and experiences, which benefit the advancement of both fields.

I find this paragraph to be the most non-essential part of your statement. You are portraying yourself as an exemplary student who will be an asset to the university but in reality, you are just making yourself sound like any other applicant. Impress the reviewer with notable accomplishments such as having a research paper published in a journal. Your work in the lab did not accomplish anything notable so you come across as merely writing a redundant essay paragraph. I would delete this paragraph if I were you.

As for your conclusion, it should be the paragraph about your future career goals and plans. Basically, you just need to revise and edit the content of this statement to make it work better :-)

Undergraduate / My aim is to become a Cardiovascular surgeon. Personal statement for a US student exchange program. [6]

Hi Shayan, don't worry about it :-) This version of your essay is a big improvement over the previous version. It still needed some editing and grammar correction during the proofreading on my end so I just went ahead and did it for you offline. I did not bother to mark the changes in the essay anymore because marking it along with the changes will just confuse you. So please see the 288 word edited version of your essay below :

I believe that I am well rounded person since I have always kept a proper balance between my social and academic life. I'm an outgoing person who loves sharing experiences with others from all walks of life,going new places and learning about different cultures and exchanging ideas.Cricket and football are my favorite childhood sports, and currently, I' have gotten into bodybuilding.

My aim is to become a Cardiovascular surgeon. I was inspired by my uncle who is the only eye specialist in the family. He has always had a positive impact on me , specially when it came to inspiring me to become a doctor. So growing up, I knew that I wanted to be like him. It just seems like the appropriate choice for me.

My ultimate goal in life is to become a good doctor.It is said that charity begins at home so I plan on helping the poor and the needy of my country first and foremost. It would be a great opportunity to further polish and refine my skills,as the volume of good doctors in my appointed field are scarce in Pakistan.I would like to establish a charitable hospital for those who cannot afford healthcare in Pakistan.

I want to pursue my goals in the USA because it's ranked as the best in Clinical medicine. The studies are more practical and research based,acting as a catalyst in enhancing the students capability to display their expertise in a desired field more efficiently.My plan is to take part in community service and Clinical medicine training programs,which will allow me to interact with people from different cultures, allowing me to look at life from a different perspective and help me connect with people following a common goal.

See if there is any portion you would still want to edit and let me know if you will need my help with the revision. I'll be more than happy to assist you :-)

Graduate / 'participating in online artists talks, visiting online galleries' - MA visual arts SOP [7]

Mawra, there is a very important aspect of your statement of purpose that you did not opt to develop further even though it is an integral part of the prompt response. I refer to the following quote from your essay:

After enrollment in visual arts, I wish to assimilate new input and perspectives beneficial to my future artistic creation.

Remember that when you present your statement of purpose, you need to be highly specific regarding how the program you are wishing to study will benefit your future career. So instead of simply saying that your studies will be beneficial to your artistic creation in the future, expand upon that discussion. That thought should be a stand alone paragraph that immediately follows your introductory paragraph. You need to provide a connection between your current academic accomplishments, work experience, and your future career goals and this will be the best way to do that. Reviewers actually expect to read such developed topics in your SOP so it should not be reduced to a mere one liner / sentence.

All other topics that you discussed in the essay really provides a strong foundation for your interests and shows the various ways that you would be a masters degree student asset at their university. The weakest part of your essay are you last 2 paragraphs that indicate:

Engaging in what happening within the art world today is also beneficial to my work, living in Faisalabad has not given me ample opportunity to visit galleries. So, I always tried to participate in online artists talks on different forums, visit online galleries and artists. I have also attended few online workshops.

If I take a look on my future career then I found myself as an installation artist or textile sculptor in galleries or other public places.

If you replace these paragraphs with a single paragraph regarding how you will assimilate the new input and use it to enhance your future success, you should be able to provide a stronger career goal for your future.

Writing Feedback / How does higher education in Denmark differ from India? [7]

Shiring, I have revised your essay in order to shorten it and make it more creative in presentation to the reviewer. You chose a very good way to discuss the difference between the Danish and Indian way of education. It is complete and discusses the most important comparison points. All that is left to do is grammar checking and essay polishing. I did that for you below:

Please feel free to make any changes to the essay as I have it revised for you if you feel the need to :-) I'll be here for you to consult with if the need arises.

Research Papers / Traditional Indian musical instrument TABLA (drum) [3]

Mawra, you need to establish what the topic, purpose, and coverage is for your research at the start of the paper. Develop an introductory paragraph that will offer an overview of the topic and the discussion that you will be presenting. The way you have the essay written at the moment does not strike me as informative in any way. That is because you go directly into an explanation of what the Tabla is, but you have not told me, as the reader, why I should care about this instrument, how it is created, and how it is played. As such, the research can be faulted for not having a concrete thesis and purpose for the research.

Introduce the history of the Tabla after your thesis paragraph. It is important that you gain the interest of the reader and inform them about the instrument's history. Detailing the development of the instrument in a highly creative manner whenever possible. Remember that you are asking the reader to visualize the instrument and how it is played. So the information that you provide should help the reader create that image as they progress in reading your report.

Try to use topic headings and sub-topic headings in your research paper in order to create a smoother and more informative look for your discussion topics. The latter part of your essay detailing the manufacture of the Tabla is quite confusing and hard to follow. Try to simplify it for the readers who are not familiar with the process of making a Tabla. In the actual report, make sure to use pictures or illustrations in order to give a more graphic explanation of your discussion.

As of now, the report is obviously a draft that needs to be revised. My analysis of your essay should help you get started on developing a better version of your essay. I look forward to reading the next draft :-)

Graduate / Digital Media Production Master Degree at the University of Brighton - Personal Statement essay [3]

Dana, you have actually covered all of the basis when it comes to the prompt requirements. Your information is highly detailed and offers a complete look at your CV in a narrative form. The highlights of your work and study experiences truly helped to propel the content of the essay to a more acceptable explanation of your study and career goals. Even with the problematic grammar portions, the essay is still quite strong and should be an asset to your application. The only thing I feel I can do for you is to help you polish the portions that need work. Let me get to work on that right now :-)

I have chosen to pursue a Digital Media Production Master Degree at the University of Brighton because ...

I edited the content, removed the irrelevant parts, and tightened the focus of the essay to just state the facts as the prompt requires. Please read it over, make any additions that you feel are necessary, or delete some parts if you wish. Whatever you choose to do, the essay will already be ready to submit.

Undergraduate / College Essay for Ringling! Unsure of what I have is good enough or not. [5]

Lilly, I believe that you should not use the story about your discovery and development of your interest in animation in this prompt. The story that you provided is geared more towards the prompts that ask you to explain the development of your interest in your chosen major rather than a background, talent, interest, or skill narrative. My suggestion, is that you instead talk about the bullying that you experienced.

While it may sound cliche-ish by now since it seems like all students experience one form of bullying at a certain point in their school lives, the truth is that your story is a unique one because it had to do with something that you could not control, your physical development. That is the background story that you should be sharing with the reviewer. Tell the reviewer about the bullying, what you learned from the experience, and how you are using that experience to become a better version of yourself.

As much as possible, you should avoid sharing stories that can be better related to other prompts in your application packet. In this case, this prompt is asking you to present a personal side that is not going to be represented by the other common app prompts. So use it to introduce yourself to the reviewer. Make sure that he gets to know the kind of person you have become through your life experiences. Keep in mind that the information you provide about yourself in this prompt could very well spell the difference between an interest in giving you a face to face interview soon or making your application simply one of those for consideration at a later date.

Building your background story in relation to a significant personal experience is essential with this type of prompt. So get as personal as you will be comfortable doing so. Portray yourself as a survivor who knows how to handle the most difficult aspects of life. Don't hide behind the anime interest. That is a cop-out which does not fully deliver the idea behind the prompt.

Undergraduate / College Essay: Painting a Pot to Perfection [3]

JP, I believe that your essay will be much stronger once you lay the foundation for your story ahead of the actual background and talent / skill story that you developed for the response. When I read the essay the first time out, I found myself asking, what is she talking about? What is the point of her story? How much longer before she gets to the point? When a reviewer reads this essay and also develops those questions, due to the long climax build up of your story, the reviewer will most likely stop reading your essay. So it is best to establish the point of the story first and then relate the corresponding example of this trait. All you have to do is bring your final paragraph up to be beginning in order to accomplish that task.

When you have switched the opening statement, you should consider deleting the current paragraph that you have about the 32 pairs of hands doing the project along with you. Deleting that paragraph will help you meet the word requirement. Keep the story as short and direct to the point as possible. So use a transition paragraph at the end of the new introductory statement and then launch immediately into your predicament in the next paragraph. When you tell your story that way, you manage to deliver the point of the essay and the hook in the portions of the written work where it will be most effective.

After revising the essay, you can do a read through. Make sure that you are comfortable with the revised version and then add, delete, or keep the essay in the new form. The final look and message of the essay should have you comfortable with the essay you will be presenting to the reviewer. We will be here to help you accomplish that.

Undergraduate / Challenges facing my country and how achieving a bachelors degre will empower me to tackle the issue [6]

Hi Yankey, I do believe that the edit helped your essay in terms of responding to the prompt. However, the language needs to be cleaned up in order to really make an impact with the statement. Let me help clean it up for you. I revised your essay to make it more understandable to the reviewer. This is what I came up with for you:

I hail from the country of Ghana. Composed of a population of 24 million, the second largest African Cocoa exporting country is truly blessed with natural resources but also plagued by graft and corruption in the government. These negative government actions have kept the majority of the population suffering from 24 hour power outtages and unable to recover from natural catastrophe's that often visit the country. With corruption as the major cause of economic instability in Ghana, it behooves the citizens of the country to take action in order to protect the country and its people from a complete and total economic collapse as best as they can. That is where I feel I can help empower my community to fight off the negative and corrupt influences that are taking over Ghana.

With a degree in Communication Studies, I will be empowered to expose the misdeeds of corrupt politicians in the hopes of getting the clean and nationalistic politicians to take action against them. Such actions could increase the standards of public accountability and can serve as a deterrent to future officials. I will also educate the public about the dangers of corruption to economic development and encourage them to appear and testify when they witness corrupt practices by individuals and public officials. I hope to raise public awareness by spreading information on the need to set a policy that will chasten corrupt public officials and citizens, thus pressurizing the government and policy makers to take such action.

In brief, studying at McGill University and participation in the MasterCard Scholarship will help me develop investigative journalism skills while also supporting and helping me achieve my dreams.

Use what I just wrote as your example to continue revising and polishing your essay. I will be more than happy to assist you in finalizing the paper. Otherwise, you can use the example as your essay if you wish. It isn't a big deal to me :-)

Scholarship / I believe obtaining Masters in UK / Physiotherapist Chevening alumni - Study UK Question [3]

Usman, you accidentally provided a statement of purpose in place of your Study in UK university courses. You should set aside this essay that you have written and save it for the more relevant Statement of Purpose for Masters Studies instead. Right now you have to develop the 3 masters degree courses, along with the university choices which are the correct prompt responses.

In order to correct your response, you will need to perform some research. The first thing you have to do is look into the various masters degree programs that relate to your professional career. Opt for the 3 programs of study that you feel will best suit your future career plans and goals. Make sure that the choices you have made are actually offered by all or some specific universities in the United Kingdom.

After you have chosen your 3 top masters degree programs, do a Google search for the universities that offer the courses in the UK. Look into the program and course offerings of the various universities then choose your top 3. Base your choice upon the course curriculum, internship programs, study grants, and other career enhancing opportunities that the university offers.

Having done your background and connecting research for the top programs and their accompanying universities, develop your new essay. This time highlighting the discussion pertaining to your course choice and why you chose a specific university for it. Make sure that your discussion relates to either your previous academic experience or your future career goals. Conclude the essay with some reference to your future career plans or goals and how studying int he UK will help you achieve that.

Undergraduate / Challenges facing my country and how achieving a bachelors degre will empower me to tackle the issue [6]

Yankey, the topic of corruption is a good one to discuss in relation to the prompt. The resulting effects of corruption in your essay indicates that you are quite familiar with the major and minor effects of corruption in Ghana. The discussion that you present, while in need of grammar improvement, does highlight the need for better social education in the country. I just wish that your essay had taken the time to develop that particular need through your interest in Communication Studies.

There is a need for you to tone down your boastful claims towards the end of your essay such as

I will be empowered to expose bureaucrats' misdemeanors to light and make sure that they are impeached, thereby increasing the standards of public accountability and serving as a deterrent to future officials.

You sound like you are planning to be a one person political fighting machine that will eradicate corruption in your country. Take it down a few notches. Be more realistic in your claims. You can say that you will expose the corrupt politicians in the hope of getting the clean and nationalistic politicians to take action against them. Rather than making it appear that you are the investigator, judge, and jury when you learn of instances of corruption in the country. That is an unrealistic claim that you should not be making in such a serious essay.

Concentrate on developing this thought:

I will also educate the public about the dangers of corruption to economic development through the internet, print and broadcasting media, plus encouraging them to appear and testify when they witness to corrupt practices by individuals and public officials.

Try to develop some doable ideas as to how you can possibly do this as a student and eventually, as a journalist in Ghana. That will help show solid proof of how you see a bachelor's degree helping you to address the challenges in your country.

Letters / Write a card to send to Jo - you need to delay visit. [6]

Tu, when you write the notes, always keep it informal and friendly. You are not writing a note to the principal of your school. So just keep it casual and light.

Hey Daryl,
I've got tickets to watch the American film "Self/less" at the Megaplex tonight. It stars your fellow Canadian Ryan Reynolds. Make it a date at 5 p.m.? Meet you at the cinema door. Send a text if you can come.

Tu

-------

Hi Tim,
Making friends is only hard at first. I discovered that as long as i was nice to people, they became my friends. There will always be extra curricular activities and clubs that you can join at the school. I found that by joining the clubs that were of interest to me, I was able to make more friends because of the commonalities between us. So don't forget to sign up for those activities during the first week of school. It will definitely pay off for you in terms of making friends and becoming more sociable.

Your friend,
Tu

Undergraduate / To Relive the Past - Brandeis University Supplement [4]

Brittany, the essay prompt is asking you to give an imaginative answer to an impossible scenario (You have a ticket in your hand, where will you go?). Think outside of the box for your response to this prompt. Don't go for the obvious response or a place where you have already been. Don 't think about destination vacations or tourist spots. The response to this essay should some some part of your character or personality in relation to the way that you view the world, society, or just life in general. Talk about something that you have always wanted to do but could not have done. You also need to be more creative with your answer. don't respond in a narrative style, tell a story, make something up for yourself. Go on that adventure of a lifetime. How would it go?

Some of the creative responses to this prompt that I have read often involve some volunteer or civic activities that a student wishes to participate in overseas. For example, I once read an essay on this prompt that had the student hopping on a plane to join habitat for Humanity in South Africa so she could help build homes. Another one, took a plane to Namibia to help teach the under privileged children who could not attend school for the summer. Others, opt to join doctors for Humanity as a volunteer. In other words, they all opt to go for a response that will allow them to not only fulfill a passion of theirs, but also help others in the process. The ticket is their gateway to anything they wish to do for their betterment and the betterment of others. I believe that this is the same approach that you should take for this prompt.

The prompt is all about showing your humanitarian side I believe. Allowing the reviewer to get to know the selfless side of your personality in such a manner that provides some information as to what kind of socio-civic student participation they might expect from you as a potential student. While you gave an answer that feels right to you, try to reflect upon what it delivers in terms of your personality to the reviewer. Is this the kind of personality trait you want him to get to know you by? Or would you like to show him a more serious and caring side of yourself that would not normally be provided by the other common app prompts?

Mine is only a suggestion of course. You can always use the essay that you wrote if that is the one you are comfortable submitting :-) The final choice is always yours since you are the student applicant in this case.

Undergraduate / Even when life is not going as planned, you should never give up. College Application on Failure. [3]

Ibrahim, I am in definite agreement with Ivy about the need to divide your essay into paragraphs. It is so closely written that it just looks like a puzzle on the page rather than an informative essay. While Ivy already presented you with ideas as to how to divide your paragraphs, let me show you a more definitive version to help you better divide it:

Par. 1:
Failure is what allowed me to realize that even when life is not going as planned, you should never give up, and take control of your future.

Par. 2:
The inception of this debacle all began in the summer of 2014, the summer before my junior year of high school.

Par. 3:
This made me reclusive to everyone I knew, my friends, family, classmates and teachers.

Par. 4:
Fast forward to the previous summer, where the damage was done and the issues at home settled down

Par. 5:
This was especially true for what I wrote for myself on that board for when I would be entering senior year, "Be Happy and have fun" next to a crudely drawn smiley face

By dividing the essay into the following topic paragraphs, you will be able to better assess if what you have written is enough to explain your prompt response or if you can still develop it further. The goal is to make sure that you have properly represented your situation and what you have learned from it. I think that you still have to further develop the "learned from it" aspect of the prompt as it seems too quickly told and not properly reflected upon on your part.

Undergraduate / "We all have great inner power" - Lifetime Goals Essay; Apply Texas Topic C [5]

Mary, the minute I read the quote from Arnold Shwarzenegger, I told myself "Oh boy! Big mistake!" While it is suggested that opening your essay with quotes from political or inspirational figures helps to reel in the reader, as Ivy said, you need to make sure that it helps your essay along. In this case, the quote is not even remotely related to the prompt and should therefore, we totally eliminated from the essay. Keep in mind that the essay prompt wishes you to refer to your current and future academic and extra curricular activities. So the reference to "Self-Faith" in the quote does not and cannot apply to your discussion. So all that quote did was take away valuable word count from the actual development of relevant parts of your essay.

The essay really needs to be adjusted in terms of content because your sole focus was only on your extra curricular activities such as volunteering and the French club. You did not make any mention of your academic interests in school, not extra curricular, and your future academic interests. Neither did you mention your future college extra curricular interests. So you dropped the ball in terms of prompt discussion. You need to represent those necessary parts in the essay for a very specific reason.

The essay wants you to tell the admissions officer how you plan to continue evolving as a student at the university. From the person you are today, who do you see yourself becoming in the future? How will the school be able to help you achieve that image of yourself through its academic and extra curricular offerings over the next 4 years? Will it be a continuation of your current interests ? Or do you plan on developing a totally new personality and character over the next 4 years of college? Those are the pieces of information that the reviewer is interested in knowing about and therefore, should be reflected in the essay.

Your current essay definitely needs to be improved and developed to better discuss and present the necessary information. I hope that you can find a way to revise it and come up with a more interesting and prompt adherent response :-) I look forward to reading it when you do.

Essays / Can I write about my financial conditions in the additional section of the commonapp? [3]

Akshat, you can definitely mention the lack of finances in your family and the Google project that you did. However, since you only have 600 words with which to present your story, I think that it would be in your best interest to choose only one of the two topics that you wish to discuss. It is important that you use the 600 words to properly present your situation in order to create the correct impression with the reviewer. Remember, this is an interview and you will be pleading your case, so don't try to present two pieces of information with an under developed discussion supporting it. Choose the story that you feel will best help improve your chances for admission and then concentrate on developing that story to your benefit within 600 words.

if you choose to discuss the financial aspect of your life, then don't dwell too much on your parent's background. Don't try to make yourself seem too pitiful either. Instead, focus on using the financial constraints of your family as the basis for your desire to finish college. Let the reviewer know that even though your family may be financially strapped, you will do whatever it takes to get your college education because you do not want to remain cash strapped all your life. Explain that you equate college with a job and therefore, a better financial future for yourself and your family.

Should you opt to discuss the Google project, remember to concentrate on the fact that it helped you discover what career path you want for yourself. Just make the fact that it was not chosen at the science fair a mere mention, almost like an afterthought. Don't make the reviewer read more than he should about your failure with that project. That should not be the aim of your response. Rather, explain how the fact that you were not chosen was a blessing because it helped you learn what career path you want to go down in your life.

Your best interest in any essay is always served by the most effective discussion that you can develop. So take your time to choose which of the two will best suit your needs and interests. Don't deliver a half-baked story. Make sure the story counts towards positive points in your application.

Graduate / Optometry was not always the clear choice as to what I wanted to do as a career. [14]

Laura, your essay is really much closer than it originally was. It is more focused on the reasons why you chose to become an optometrist in the future. However, there is still that nagging problem of your interest in Math that disrupts the flow of your essay. Since you really did not pursue a career in math, there is simply no reason to make it more than a passing mention in relation to the way your interest in Optometry developed. So here is my advice for this version of your essay, edit the following 2 paragraphs using my instructions below:

[...] I assured her that the THE EYE PROBLEM OF HER CHILD WOULD NOT INTERFERE WITH OUR TUTORIAL SESSIONS AND THAT I WOULD WORK HARDER WITH HER DAUGHTER BECAUSE OF IT. we would work as many hours as needed. ...

The strike through in the succeeding sentences in the aforementioned paragraph means those parts are not necessary to the essay and should be deleted. Instead, replace those sentences with the following new paragraph:

After hearing about the eye disease that affected my student, I decided to do some research on my own time. I was interested in what caused the eye to lose its visual acuity and I had many unanswered questions on retinitis pigmentosa. During my research session,...

Some additional suggestions for the further improvement of the content:

I felt chills as she spoke and I knew I was making the right decision.
- Expand upon this sensation that you felt. Explain why you felt chills as she spoke. How did you realize that this was the right decision to make? What came to your mind as you heard her line of reasoning for her chosen career? You need to better develop this part because this is the "Aha!" moment that I spoke of in my earlier thread.

Right now, the essay that you wrote just needs these adjustments in order to work better for your purpose. Overall, you did very well in revising the essay. You just need to be guided a little bit more in order to polish it :-)

Undergraduate / Loving museums. I want to pursue a career in Museum Studies - Common App Personal Essay [9]

Audrey, the discussion that you have presented in this essay does not really present a side of your personality to the reviewer that can help him to get to know you better. You presented something moire in line with the development of your interest in museums instead of presenting your background, quality, or trait that will offer him an idea of the kind of person you are and the possible type of student that you will be once you are admitted into the university as a regular student.

Try to think of who you are as a person or how other people see you. What do you think it is about you or your background that other people would be surprised to know about you? Is this something that you cannot present regarding your person in any other common essay app prompt? If it is an interesting facet of your personality, development as a person, or a unique experience in your life that you feel will help the reviewer understand who you are more, then you have found the right topic for your response.

At the moment, the discussion you presented and the story that accompanies it sounds more like it should placed in the prompt about how your interest in a specific field or major developed. It is definitely not something about your background, character, trait, or non-academic interest. Try to present something about the other side of your personality instead. Try to let the reviewer who you are and what you enjoy beyond the academics. This is the prompt that asks you to relax and just talk about yourself and other things of interest to you. Take advantage of it because it helps define your whole personality within your application package.

Undergraduate / New Education, New chance. UC Prompt #1 [4]

Caroline, the first thing that you should keep in mind about the members of this forum is that we are all here to help one another out. No judgement involved. While we might sound critical in reviewing your essay, it is always because we want to make sure that you can develop the best essay that you can. While I did see that there are some grammar problems to be addressed in your essay, you should not be embarrassed by it. Remember, everyone here came here for the same reason that you did, not everyone can speak perfect English, but we can all try to do that. We do that by practicing in an environment where people of the same abilities have come to co-exist and as such, end up helping one another gain more proficiency in the language. So don't be embarrassed, don't be shy, we won't judge. We will only help :-) Consider us all your friends and support group in your quest to get into college by polishing your college application essays :-)

That said, I have to point out that you have a keen eye for your own writing mistakes. You did catch the redundancy 9another term for repetitiveness) most specially at the beginning of your essay. However, your work seemed to fall into a rhythm as you progressed and, while there is still room for editing, you really did a good job. Let me offer some insight as to how to avoid the repetitiveness in your essay. You can work it into your next draft and from there, we can continue polishing the essay :-)

Here we go!

"The better your education, the better your future." These were THE words OF ENCOURAGEMENT THAT my parents had been telling me ever since I was little. My mom came from a family of seven, deprived of financeS to get a better education. My dad came from a heavily military based family, deprived of chances for education THAT PREVENTED HIM FROM SEEKING ANOTHER AVENUE FOR EDUCATION. They told me their stories and I was heavily STRONGLY influenced by them. Growing up in Taiwan, my parents shared their values in REGARDING the importance of quality of education with me. They believed that the United States has OFFERED the education they wanted but didn't have have the chance to receive one . That was when they imposed HOPED THAT I COULD ACHIEVE WHAT THEY WERE NOT ABLE TO. their hopes on me.

In Taiwan,I was not smartest student in my class. I was not the best in academics, which was the only thing that defined DEFINITION OF success in the country. I had always felt unconfident about myself and sorry towards my parents, for they believe in education and I had failed them for not doing well enough. Then in 2009, I saw a new WAS GIVEN A CHANCE TO REDEEM MYSELF chance . My dad received an opportunity from his job to moved to the United States. He gladly took it, believing that I would have a greater chance in life with a better quality education. I was excited and pressured at the same time, excited for my new chance and the education my parent's'have been talking about , but pressured from REALIZING HOW PRECIOUS I HAD RECEIVED WAS. how precious this opportunity I am lucky to receive.

I worked hard at my new school, overcoming language and social barriers to strive for IN ORDER TO ACHIEVE good grades. However, I began to notice something that forever changed my life, the variety of options the education offers here. I didn't have to focus solely on my academics, because the society didn't simply judge my success from ON that. I could explore myself with VARIOUS PERSONAL INTERESTS SUCH AS different sports and arts, and to redefine I WAS ABLE TO ENHANCE my abilities.

I began to experience in person the difference in quality between the two education SYSTEMS and its effects on me. It was then when THAT I understood the meaning behind my parent's' words and their strong desire for educational chances in America. The "better" education offered much more chances for me to shine. Before, academics meant everything, but the new environment provided a different approach to success. If it weren't for this new opportunity my parents had created for me, I would've never discoverED my passion and my abilities in the arts. The more I became involved into my art career , the more I am BECAME thankful to experience this change.

But I yearned for more. I believe that I was able to discover my talents because of the right education I received. I want to learn more about my abilities by furthering my education. I once was lucky ENOUGH to upgrade from the limited TaiwanESE school system because of my parents' 'S hard work, but I desire more. I want to become the first one in my family to experience the true quality education of the American college, the experience my parents once craved DREAMED OF. I want to fulfill my parents and my dream by striving for a COMPLETING higher education. My experiences had HAVE taught me the importance of education and also shaped my aspiration to become an art teacher, to provide opportunities I received in the United States to those who aren't as fortunate as me.

Caroline, your essay is really very emotional and insightful. Thank you for sharing your story with us. I hope that the changes I am suggesting to your essay can help you to create an even better version of your background response. I look forward to reading your revised essay when you find the time to post it here :-)

Scholarship / Which of the world's great fights will you fight-and why? UT Austin Freshman Honors Application [3]

Well, you certainly came up with a very unique and interesting fight to undertake. Very few people have awakened to the fact that water, as a resource is dwindling and could very well be the catalyst for another world wide disagreement leading to war. Your explanation of why this battle is a great one carries convincing elements and facts. I can sense your true desire to undertake this particular cause and that you may, as a college student, actually follow through on your plans. Just one point of correction though, you should not be presenting your response in quotation marks since this is supposed to be presented from your point of view and personal conviction. So just remove the quotation marks and your response to the first prompt in the list will be all set to use.

There are some slight grammatical corrections that you should address in the second prompt. Here are my suggestions regarding how to improve those problem areas:

3. Reading is one of my favorite hobbies along with musics , crafts, and art.
4. Due to my parents being minorities A PART OF THE MINORITY and going through major hardships, I have became strong minded in AND DETERMINED TO order to achieve my goals.

5. When I set my mind to do something I do not stop until I accomplish it; I am very hardworking and have yet to fail AT any goals I set out for myself.

Good luck with your application. The personal insight, reflection, and analysis that you put into developing your responses are quite evident and have helped to create excellent responses to the prompts. I am sure these will be well received by the reviewer.

Book Reports / Practicing Moral Courage - A Different Kind of Strength (To Kill A Mockingbird essay) [6]

Hi Alex, the part that I am referring to is the following part of your essay:

Though moral courage is a powerful weapon, it must come hand in hand with willpower, for someone to be able to stand firm in their own truth. Moral courage is the bravery to do the right thing, whereas willpower is the sheer determination to carry through and not give up, no matter how difficult to overcome the obstacles may be.

"'The hell he is,' said another man. 'Heck's bunch's so deep in the woods they won't get out till mornin'.'

'Indeed why so?'

'Called them off on a snipe hunt,' was the succinct answer. 'Didn't you think a'that, Mr. Finch?'" [202].

I am of the opinion that the paragraph prior to the aforementioned quote in the essay needs to better set up the scenario for the quote. Create an introduction to the quote prior to presenting it. Or, deliver an explanation regarding the relevance of the quote after it. I just have a feeling that the quote is standing alone without really connecting with either the prior paragraph of the succeeding paragraph.

By the way, I was happy to review your work :-)

Writing Feedback / The figures who apply for teaching job in two different subjects in Ontario between 2001 and 2007 [3]

Devi, I will not fault the way that you shared the information with the reader. In terms of your summarizing skills and formatting, you don't have any problems. You have a clear understanding of the information provided and you did your best to present the same information in a coherent manner. The only real problem that I saw with your writing style was the fact that you kept on using singular representations when you should have been using plural forms of the words since you are dealing with numbers and percentages, which are always represented in plural form in written discussions.

Let me show you where the specific problem areas are in the discussion:

The line graph presents the figures who apply for THE teaching job APPLICANTS during the period 2001 to 2007 in Ontario in COVERING two different subjects: English-language and French-language . Overall, it IT is immediately apparent that English and French language teacherS recruitments had roughly the same level in AT the beginning. Afterwards, English-language study hit a low in 2002 then it acquired a moderate increase in 2003 while THE French subject had a lack of interest SHOWED A DECLINE IN INTEREST until 2003.

To begin, job seekers who choose one of the two LANGUAGE subject had almost the same positionS. In English,THE subject TEACHER APPLICANTS stood at 70 percent and French subject TEACHER APPLICANTS stood at 73 percent. Next, THE English subject applicantS hit a low to OF 58 % and rose to 68%. However, French-language study TEACHER applicantS plunged to 41% until 2003.

After 2003, the teacherS who applyING TO teaching English lessonindicated SHOWED some fluctuations, but it showed a steady growth over 74 percent at the end of the period. Nevertheless, English and French courses had a similar gradual climb between 2003 and 2005 where THE English course gained an increase to OF 2% and French lessonS showed a rise to OF 3%, but then French hit a low to OF 28% until the end of the period.

Undergraduate / Moving from one country to another is a life changing experience [11]

Hi Ehsan, now tha tyou have told me what you were trying to accomplish in the second paragraph, I can see why you would consider it important to the essay. If you want to retain it, you will just need to modify the presentation of the statement. Instead of making it a general kind of statement presentation, why don't you make it more personal in perspective? Use a first person point of view when you present this information so that it will gain more relevance in terms of relating to your life experiences.

Please let me help you fix the last paragraph. While the statement itself has become more definite and presents a clear idea, there are still some grammar problems that we should fix in order to make it look more smooth and read better :-)

communicating in English is a crucial requirement in order to live in the United States. I came from a background where English was taught as a secondary language. I finished my college in Pakistan before I moved to United States. Life was complicated during the transition stage when I was learning to acclimatizing myself acclimatize to a new language, culture, and customs ( When you say I was learning to acclimatizing myself, that is not only grammatically wrong, but also redundant because you already referred to yourself with an "I" at the beginning of the sentence.) . I started off as an ESL student and built up my confidence to interact with people. I was shy at first because I felt like I had a funny accent. I would be quiet most of the TIME so that people wont WOULD NOT make fun of me. At one point, it became my I FELT LIKE IT WAS MY weakness and I felt like it s WAS holding me back from expressing myself. I talked to my teachers and they all rally helped me and TOboost my confidence.

One last note Ehsan, the last paragraph that you wrote feels like it needs a concluding paragraph. Maybe a simple 3 sentence paragraph in order to close the essay. You can talk about how much your life has become better because of your life experiences and the lessons that you learned or something. Just to properly close it out :-)

Graduate / The role of foreign aid - my Ph.D SOP in Political Science [5]

Eunok, I think that you need to better develop the first line of your opening paragraph. It feels like the sentence structure is off and needs to be developed a little further. Currently, you state that:

My recent professional work at AB was the time for confirming what Hans Morgenthau talked about foreign aid: "the most baffling among modern innovations introduced into the practice of foreign policy".

I believe that if we change the word "talked" to "described" the sentence will have a better feel and offer a better and easier to understand meaning. So in my version, the sentence would read:

My recent professional work at AB was the time for confirming what Hans Morgenthau tried to describe about foreign aid: "the most baffling among modern innovations introduced into the practice of foreign policy".

Don't you think that the meaning of your sentence comes across more clearly and does not let the sentence seem to hang with an incomplete thought? In the original version, it felt like there should be an explanatory sentence after that quote and yet there was none. In this version, the meaning of the quote is clear and does not make the reader expect an explanation at the end of it.

In my opinion, your statement of purpose is quite strong and offers a clear idea as to the study path that you will be undertaking during this time. It is long enough to focus on your previous thesis and research, which is normally the basis for the continuation of studies into the PhD level. The continued research in relation to your past studies is definitely a good touch and shows that your career path has also been well thought out. presenting your previous researches also shows that you are determined to produce an end result at the end of your academic quest.

Writing Feedback / The power of advertising increases the number of product sales and spurs their popularity [2]

Ihsan, your argument is quite compelling when we consider the way that advertising influences the way people consider buying goods. However, your discussion in my opinion became flawed because you discussed the basic needs of people in relation to advertising when the prompt is asking you to consider the consumer goods and the influence of advertising to make people buy it. Remember, the key word is" consumer goods". These goods are normally considered non-essentials such as television sets, mobile phones, tablets, game consoles, etc. So these are not "reall needs", which is another clue as to how and what to discuss in the essay. your inability to identify the keywords int he discussion caused you create a compelling but not prompt responsive reply essay.

The facts and figures you could have used in the essay to make it more aligned with the prompt could have been the figures relating to the rise in consumer spending on the non-essentials. For example, for this year, what was the percentage of people who bought these non-essential items when compared to the basic necessities? That comparison figure would have shown a clear reflection of the power of advertising" and as such, show the extent to which you you would have agreed or disagreed with the prompt statement.

You touched on some of these important points in your essay but because the informational foundation of your essay was set up to discuss a different prompt requirement, it did not become as effective as it could have been in your essay. Remember, always look for the key phrases or words within the prompt in order to help guide you towards the correct prompt discussion.

Undergraduate / My aim is to become a Cardiovascular surgeon. Personal statement for a US student exchange program. [6]

Shayan, please od not hijack the threads that other students have started. Always start your own thread when positing your own essay. Keep that in mind for the next time you post an essay. For now, I will humor you and give you some advice regarding your work. I am sure the forum admin will move you to a fresh thread as soon as they see this hijacking.

My aim is to become a Cardiovascular surgeon.I have learned from my childhood experiences that one has to work hard in order to become a good Doctor.

- You need to expand upon this idea. What childhood experience was it that exposed you to the field of medical doctors? Were you a patient before? Where did this inspiration come from? What kind of exposure did you have? Were you a candy striper? A volunteer at the hospital? How did you gain this early exposure? Expanding upon the discussion will be part of your response to your interests and personality. How did this exposure help you develop a certain kind of personality?

I want to help the poor and NEEDY needy people of my country first
- While you consider the all caps to be emphasis, to the reviewer, you are shouting at him. Proper written decorum dictates that you never use all caps when writing formal essays as it comes across as screaming on the page. This is not be confused with the editing markings on a page.

While the essay overall is simple yet informative, it does not provide the reviewer with any idea as to how you see the opportunity of studying in the USA will be a benefit to your future goals and objectives. Develop a paragraph discussion of how you plan to first work in the United States before you go back home to provide for the needy in your country. Remember, the United States is your host country and as such, you should repay them with some sort of community service upon the completion of your studies. So reflect that in your essay. you can talk about training programs and other academic opportunities that will help make you a better doctor for starters.

Writing Feedback / Research assignment awareness campaign [4]

In order to properly conclude the essay at this point, you will need to do some research regarding the UN sponsored school programs such as the United Nations Foundation, specifically the Girl up campaign that is aimed towards raising awareness and funds for the girls who need an education in the parts of the world that are hard to reach such as the Sub Saharan African desert. You can also mention the UNHCR as one of the possible UN sponsor groups since it is also active in this and related fields. You can use the name of the organizations that I mentioned in doing a Google search. Review the mission and objectives of the organizations / groups and use that to develop your plea for financial aid by explaining how the aid will be used to help these children. Present some target projects to spend the money on and then conclude your essay by explaining how these will provide the strong educational foundation for the children in the future.

Letters / No longer attend regular English class [4]

Hi Denish, I tried to improve upon what you wrote. I hope you will like how I revised your letter and that it suits your needs. You can use this letter if you wish to so that you can attend to your job preparations without delay :-)

Dear Ms. XXX;

I am writing this letter to inform you that I will no longer be attending English classes with you. While my intention for attending these classes was to help improve my chances of getting the maximum band results when I take the IELTS test, certain financial conditions have developed that cause me to drop out of this class.

I have gained regular employment that will prevent me from regularly attending English classes at this school. While I realize that it will be difficult for me to continue learning English as a self - taught student, I am left without recourse. The financial straits that my family is currently involved in has compelled me to set aside what is best for me in lieu of what is best for them. Becoming a self-studying student of English will allow me to better manage my work and study time at this point.

Thank you for all the hard work and help that you have provided me since I joined the class. Rest assured that I learned an immense amount of information regarding how to improve my English skills during that time. I hope to continue developing upon the foundation that you have given me as a self taught English student.

Sincerely,
Denish

Undergraduate / USEFP Global Ugrad student exchange program Personal statement [3]

Mubashara, you should consider writing a longer personal statement than this. It is actually not only too short, but also lacking in formation that deals directly with the prompt requirements. You do not really offer a personal insight into the topics tha tyou are being asked to discuss, which has made the essay a very quick, but uninformative read for the reviewer. You have to focus on delivering all of the aspects of the prompt requirements in at least one paragraph each. Take into consideration that this is your first interview with the academic officer so you should take the chance to discuss as much about yourself, your academic interests, study goals, and reasons for your wish to study in the U.S. Be as detailed as possible while staying within the word limit if there is a limit provided.

I'll give you some clues as to how to best respond to the essay requirements by providing you with an idea for the topic discussion. Remember, each prompt should be represented by one paragraph within the essay. The response should not be a single essay paragraph covering all topics. That is not how an academically proficient essay is presented. It is always one topic per paragraph. With a fully developed idea or explanation in each paragraph.

Yourself in terms of interests and personality,
- You managed to present a partial response to this with the following: " I spend my leisure time reading literature which enhances my analytical skills. I practice the art of dance to express myself. Being a humanitarian...". Show the fun side of your personality. If you have a dog you enjoy playing with, mention it. If you enjoy studying languages, highlight it, tell us how you enjoy spending time with your family. As for reading to develop your analytical skills. Tell us how you developed an interest in humanitarianism. Expand upon your answer, and place it at the top of the essay since that is where it was indicated in the prompt, being the first in the line of questions provided.

Your academic objectives,
- you stated ; "If I were selected for this program, I would be fortunate to work with finest minds in the field of Microbiology and gain access to exclusive academia of the world" What other academic objectives do you have? Can you think of specific classes and professors you would like to work with or learn from as a student? Talk extensively about your study plans and why those are important to you.

Your goals in terms of your field of study and personal development,
- "I would like to pursue my future research focused on management of chronic wounds." Explain the kind of research you see yourself delving into and why you consider it important in the field of medical science. What is the whole point of your research? What should its end result be? Make the admissions officer believe that there is some or numerous potentials for the topic of your research / academic objective. How do you see this type of research helping you develop better as a person? Why do you think this would help you contribute to the betterment of the world and yourself?

The reasons you wish to pursue them in U.S.A., and the type of program you hope to pursue and how it relates to your interests and future objectives.

- " I would like to experience the cultural diversity of U.S.A which would improve my outlook on life." How do you expect the study experience to help you do that? What experiences are you looking forward to? Develop a connection between your interest in Microbiology and the program that you are specifically pursuing in the U.S. That means, talk about the specific course and possible university you wish to attend. Then explain why the university caught your interest and how you see that particular university experiences improving your chances either for higher study and further research, or gaining employment in the field in the future.

Writing Feedback / Sociological Imagination on life intersection : Essay admission for entering a university [3]

Sekar, you misunderstood what the prompt requires you to do. This is not a research paper that requires you to present references for a discussion. Nor is it a method meant to discuss the meaning of Sociological Imagination. The paper has nothing to do with an academic presentation. As far as I can understand from the prompt, you are being asked to respond to the prompt in relation to your college application. What I would like to attempt to do at this point is explain to you what the prompt is asking you to present in the essay and hopefully, you will be able to find a significant historical event that can help you respond to the prompt.

The first thing you have to understand is the meaning of Sociological Imagination. While there are various definitions for the term based upon what it is in society that you want to discuss, it is clear that the definition of the term in the case of the prompt is as follows:

Things that shape these outcomes include (but are not limited to): social norms, what people want to gain out of something (their motives for doing something), andthe social context in which they live (ex.- country, time period, people with whom they associate). Basically, as an aspect of sociological imagination, what people do is shaped by all these things that result in some sort of outcome.

I highlighted the part that I am sure is connected to the prompt criteria. That is the portion of the definition that you should concentrate on presenting within your essay.

I believe that in the highlighted portion of the definition directly relates to the context of your essay and you should concentrate on this particular portion of the prompt:

Discuss the intersection of your [b]biography with history and society[b].

As such, what the prompt expects you to do is present a clear idea of the Javanese culture of today. If possible, discuss a current, yet historical event in your country that has had a direct impact upon your society. Then reflect upon how that sociological change has had an effect upon you as a person. Did it change a certain traditional Javanese way of life that you used to or were expected to follow? Perhaps you were personally affected by the sociological event?

Give the reviewer an inner look into the new Javanese world that you move in. Then connect that to the person you have become. Don't quote studies of your culture by other people. The idea here is to have you present your understanding of the culture that you come from based upon the sociological imagination definition of your current life. Then go on to explain how this idea has helped you develop a bigger ambition in life. How did this ambition help you become the person you are today? How would you explain to the reviewer about the connection of the sociological imagination of your current culture, who you have become because of it, what your ambitions are in life, and how the masters degree program will combine all of these aspects in order to portray a complete picture of who you are as a person? Once you manage to present those, without citing any sources, then you will have developed the correct response to the essay.

Writing Feedback / How does higher education in Denmark differ from India? [7]

Shiring, the essay that you wrote really provides an enormous amount of information about education Denmark. However, the fact that you are quoting the information from blogs and other sources makes your presentation an impersonal one rather than providing the personal interpretation that the promt is asking you to present. The biggest mistake that you made in developing your response was mentioning blogs and other sources such as the European Union Innovation Index and similar studies.

What you should have done was provide the information in a less formal and creative way. As the prompt suggests, the writing format that they are looking for should "showcase your creativity and innovative thinking!" So that means that the paper should have a semi-formal, almost casual tone to it. The way you have the paper written now and the way you have presented the information is more academic and formal. In fact, it sounds more like a research paper than a personal perspective presentation.

My suggestion is that you revise the paper in order to better present the format that the reviewer requires. Read the information from the blogs and other sources, concentrate on comparisons between the Denmark and India based education systems, in fact, those are the 3 keywords that you should use in your Google search in order to come up with the comparison paper required.

Speaking of which, that is another reason why you have to revise the paper. This isn't really a comparison paper because your response dealt only with the Dane's system of education. You were supposed to compare and contrast the two according to the prompt which requires you to present the difference between the two systems. You did not accomplish that at all and as such, failed to deliver the actual prompt requirements.

I hope that you can revise the essay soon. It is really an interesting topic that they are asking you write about. Try to remain comfortable while writing the paper. they don't want a facts based report, they want to read about your opinion of the two educational systems. What is good about each and what is not so good about each as well. I look forward to reading the revision :-)

Letters / Write a card to send to Jo - you need to delay visit. [6]

The card does not carry a very friendly tone.This is supposed to be an informal note to a friend so go for a lighter sense of writing. Make it informal and casual. Don't be so curt and direct in your card. Try to soften the blow of the delay a little. Let me show you my version of how I would have written this letter. You can use it as a sample for the next card you have to write :-)

Dear Jo,
I've got a project at work for presentation next week. Would you mind if we reschedule your visit for the week after instead? I'll be on leave from work then so I can give your visit the full attention it deserves.

I'm sorry,

You do don't have to include the actual apology in the body of the letter. This written work is meant to be an exercise in creative writing. You need to learn how to play with the words in order to get the message across with the least possible words. Think of it as a Twitter message with a longer word count instead of limited characters when you develop your next note :-)

Undergraduate / Moving from one country to another is a life changing experience [11]

Hi Ehsan, the essay that you developed is for a personal statement right? As such, the story that you present about what you learned upon migrating to the United States is really an interesting story. You have shown the difficulties that one faces when he moves from his mother country to another country where everything he knew about life, culture, and traditions, contradict his own. the fact that ryou were able to successfully adjust to American life is a plus factor for you and show the kind of adaptable personality you have. Being adaptable is a good trait in a college student because you will have the ability to adjust to your college campus life as the need arises.

I don't really see a need for the current second paragraph in your essay. It seems to only be a rehash of the opening statement that made. The way I read your essay, I felt like it would create a better impact and a stronger expression in your statement if you go from the introduction then straight to your next paragraph that starts with"The biggest difference that I encountered upon arriving at United States was my own prejudice.". I firmly believe that by doing that, your essay will become more interesting to read because you do not waste time creating the backstory for your essay.

Book Reports / Practicing Moral Courage - A Different Kind of Strength (To Kill A Mockingbird essay) [6]

I definitely believe that using the quote from former Pres. Rona;d Reagan at the beginning of your book report really helps to accomplish an important task in the essay. It proves that you have taken the greatest of pains and spent the maximum amount of time in analyzing the contents of the essay and the parallels that may exist for it in real life. The quote helped to establish your personal understanding of the theme that was given to you to develop.

Left to find something to critique in the essay, I would have to say that what I found is so slight that it can even be ignored by the reader. However, I feel that a much stronger transition sentence is needed between your last sentence and the scene from the book. There was nothing depicted to prepare the reader for the upcoming quote, making it clear that a transitional quote was forthcoming. Also, I believe that a stronger quote could have been used that depicted the moral battle of the characters on a much clearer and obvious basis, just for the benefit of those who have not read the book yet. I know, it's a book report and the understanding is that you should have read the whole book before writing the report. My idea though, is to give your essay a more gripping quote that can better lock in the attention of the reader, or peer reviewer should you be asked to submit this book report for a review by a classmate.

Finally, I don't think that you should make it a habit to open and close your essays with quotes from other people in order to make your point. Your personal point of view and your conviction in that belief should be the anchor upon which your essay stands. Using another quotation at the end of the essay is just not as effective as it was at the beginning. Specially since you do not have any room at the end of the quote to further explain the relevance of the quote to the discussion.

Research Papers / Research Essay- The Fight Against ALS [3]


- Don't end this thought with a period. This is a hanging sentence. It needs a verb to complete the thought. What did the subject, Lou Gehrig, do for the illness once his celebrity brought it to the attention of international news? Did the scientific community pay more attention it it? Did new studies and medications emerge after it affected Mr. Gehrig?


- As an overview, you can add a little information here about the topics the you will be discussing in the rest of the essay. You can mention the most current drugs, treatments, or therapies that are in use for the treatment of ALS.. Doing so will introduce and prepare the reader for the discussion to come and will help to keep the reader interested in the research you are about to present.


- Blake, when you write these research essays, never mention a personal opinion. Don't use the first person pronouns as it removes the academic slant and bias free form of writing. It would help your essay to read as more credible if you would remove this personal opinion from the paragraph it is currently in.


- Change the slant of this sentence from personal to collective by using the term "we" and the sentence will be less personally slanted and more acceptable.

When you start talking about the ALS bucket challenge, try to present more information about how the challenge has helped to improve the research into the illness and what results it has helped to produce. Since the Bucket Challenge really became a world wide trend, you should be presenting information that shows how mass media has helped to not only shed more focus on the illness, but also to develop a cure through such kinds of promotions. Don't spend so much time presenting the background and history of the ALS bucket challenge as everyone is more than familiar with it already.

Your essay needs to find a true focus. What do you really want to present to the reader? As of this moment, the essay covers so many topics but does not really fully discuss a complete issue. You first spoke about the history of ALS, then the way that we should all be concerned about finding a cure to ALS, then you spoke of how contributions have poured in to the research. Yet, you did not present any discussion of the currently available treatments, regardless of how effective or ill - effective, promising or not promising that treatment is.


This is the most important part of this essay as I read it and yet it is the most underdeveloped part. In order to make your reader actually care about ALS and inspire people to help find a cure through donations, you need to show that we are gaining ground research-wise when it comes to finding a cure. I don't see any reference nor a strong sense of that interest and desire coming from you in this version of the essay.

Research Papers / "To vaccinate or not to vaccinate", need someone to complete a peer-review [2]

Nasir, there is more information, data, and figures available regarding the vaccination debate than you have presented in your essay. I suggest that you add more information as in-text citations from various online, free available online medical journals, news articles, and other academic sources that you could locate using free online journal services. The information that you currently provide, while most likely having come from your readings and research ont he topics, suffers from a lack of academic credibility. You don't quote factual sources in the research for information you present which affected the overall content and information of the paper.

You can't write an accurate research paper such as this using only 2 sources, both of which stem from the CDC website pages. In order to write this more accurately, you should cite at least 4 varied sources coming from medical journals, newspaper articles, medical books, interviews, and other academic sources. For example, you could look up Jennifer Garner, the actress, who is a staunch anti-vaccination advocate. She is the face of the anti-vaccination campaign these days and her interviews often lead to other academically accepted sources that inform regarding the anti-vaccination benefits.


- This quote is the center of your anti-vaccination discussion and yet does not present any data regarding the supposed connection between MMR and autism. You should discuss the basis for the belief that vaccinations cause autism. What is the history of this belief? How did it develop into a mindset that some parents have come to believe?


- Since the data was originally omitted, you should mention it in your report. What is the percentage of ratio when compared to say Latino or White boys? Simple facts like that add to the credibility of your research and actually inform the reader, which is the purpose of your research.

Overall, your discussion is quite simple and easy to understand. The research information is what I am worried about. It needs to be strengthened and made more credible through the proper use of various paraphrased information, in-text citations, and figures. You don't have to revise the content as much as you have to add more academically acceptable information in it. By the way, wathc out for your in-text citation formats, I think you need to review the way that you write the little sources that you have at the moment. There is a specific method of writing these online sources. Look it up :-)

Undergraduate / Saving the world... from outside the world. -CommonApp Personal Essay [8]

Abdeali, I have removed the unnecessary parts of the essay that only deviate from the prompt or offer discussions of other topics, such as asteroids, that remove the attention from your main objective or discussion. Those are the points that brought your word count over the limit. The discussion needs to only be simple. Don't overthink it. Don't give answers to questions that open up more serious discussions and considerations for your plan. You only have to explain why a single significant issue is important to you and how you plan to solve it. Here is my take on your essay, the parts written in caps are my revisions.

When I was around 13 years old, I visited Pakistan, my parent's home country. Driving through the streets one night, I remember looking out the window and seeing homeless people gathered around a small fire surrounded by filth and trash. Power grids for entire neighborhoods would be down rendering families without heat or light. My cousin noticed the sad look on my face. Getting back to their house, INVITED ME TO LIE DOWN ON THE ROOFTOP WITH HIM. AS WE LAY DOWN, LOOKING UP TO THE NIGHT SKIES, I was instantly dumbfounded. Numerous little sparkling stars were scattered across SPACE. The awe on my face made it obvious that this wasn't something I got to see every night back at my own home. We sat there gazing up at the stars for what seemed like a lifetime before returning inside.

The next few years were filled with me obsessing over all things space. Hours of my day were spent researching. I would go outside every night and just look up at the sky in hopes of seeing the same beautiful star lit sky I had once witnessed. I had no doubt in my mind that I was definitely going to be an astronaut. AN ASTRONAUT WHO WOULD ONE DAY CONQUER SPACE IN ORDER TO HELP IMPROVE THE LIFE OF MAN ON EARTH AND BEYOND.

When it comes to saving the world, looking up to the sky is not always the first response, though it really should be. A problem that every nation on Earth faces is a lack of resources. What if countries came together on a project that could possibly solve both these problems? This is where I suggest a manned Mission to Mars. With a restarted space program we could send hundreds of thousands of unemployed to Mars in the hopes of colonizing the planet. Of course we'd have to re-train the jobless or homeless for this mission; but this retraining effort would only benefit us by creating hundreds of new jobs. Though this whole idea might seem a little far-fetched there are things that are easily achievable right now with a fresh new interest in space exploration.

One of the most practical things that would come from the launch of a new space program would be the accelerated advancement of technology. For example simply look back at the Space Race of the 1960's. In this technological race to the moon NASA developed the basis for revolutionary new technologies. Things such as the GPS, satellite communications, and personal laptop all exist thanks to the technological breakthroughs back then. Now imagine having to prepare for a longer trip to Mars. There would be no limits to the things we might build.

I know that I have some pretty lofty dreams and ambitions for my Mars project. Somehow though, I feel that I would not have been blessed to have this kind of imagination and concern for our world if I had not spent that fateful night on the rooftop of my cousin's home in Pakistan.

After that night I knew how I wanted to leave my mark on humanity, after all it only takes one small step for a man to make a giant leap for mankind.

Scholarship / Bill Gates Millennium essay #1 describing my saxual practices [3]

Tyriek, the discussion that you present in the essay does not respond well to the prompt. Perhaps music is a subject that is important to you and you excelled at it, but that is not the only subject that you should be discussing in this essay. In fact, you don't even clearly explain why you excel at this and what you attribute your success in this field to. The essay is asking you to focus on your academics, not extra curricular activities.

So the correct response to this essay should mention something along the lines of your favorite subjects in school. The classes where you most often get the highest grades during every grading period. For example, you can say that you excel in music, math, science, and creative arts.Your success in these subjects can be related to your love for numbers in various forms. Music shows you how numbers can create interesting melodies using various beats and sound variations based on complex note variations. Math helps you increase your musical excellence because you learn how to compute the beats and rhythm in your head, helping you to hear the music even before you play it. While the musical arts allowed you to express yourself allowing you to combine those interests where you excel into one field, the school band, where yo allow music and math to combine in order to deliver something the whole community can enjoy. That is the kind of essay that responds to the prompt and highlights the factors that you attribute to your musical success as a person.

By the way, please say "Saxophone Practice" or change the title of your essay. "Saxual Practice" can be and is misread by "Sexual Practices" by most people whom I showed the title of your essay to. I mistakenly read it the same way as well. Which is why I am 99% sure that the reviewer will most likely misread your essay title as well. Just use the basic title of the essay to play safe, "Bill Gates millenium Essay 1" is more than enough if you can't come up with a more relevant and safe title for your essay.