Writing Feedback / A friend from another town will come and stay in your apartment. Providing keys and instructions. [2]

LAI, there are number of grammatical errors that distract from the reading of this letter. The first problem that appears is your confusion regarding gender pronouns. Your cat is named "LALA". That is a female specific gender name. Using the male pronoun of address such as "he" and "him" are therefore incorrect. "Lala" should have been addressed in the female pronoun of "she" and "her" instead.

Next, about the key, when you say "The key could be taken by my neighbor", that means your neighbor took the key without your permission. The correct phrase should have been "You make get the key from my neighbor" or "My neighbor has the key."

You did not give any instructions about how you use your apartment. For example, how does one turn on the hot water? Where do you keep the remote control of the TV? What is the wifi password? What is the landline phone number? Where do you keep the emergency numbers? How is the stove lighted? Are there any noise regulations in the area?

When you were asked to recommend places to go, that meant more than one place and most certainly, not just an eatery. You should have instructed your friend about how to use public transport to go the park, museum, mall, cinema, where the tourist attractions such as theme parks or shopping destinations are, and then, tell her about the best place(s) to eat around town based upon her location as a tourist.

You had a good effort in developing this paper. However, problems abound in terms of its development and presentation. Take note of the problems you had in this essay and make sure to correct it with your next practice General Writing test essay. Don't worry, you can improve, just keep practicing.

Writing Feedback / Some believe that vegan diet is not only better for their own health but also benefits the world [3]

@vinu460 your essay is not going to pass in an actual test setting. For one thing, the essay that you wrote is extremely confusing in content due to your lack of control over your English thought process. This creates a terribly set up sentence presentation and extremely poor grammar use. Your paragraphs are not very coherent because of the lack of cohesiveness in your presentation, specifically in the opening statement. This is one essay that truly causes extreme stress for the reader and as such, will not be rated highly in the actual test setting. You do not know how to properly present the opening paraphrase and you also do not know that you cannot use a personal opinion as a closing paragraph. The closing paragraph is only a summation of the presented discussion. There are so many errors in your presentation that I do not know where to begin. All I can advise you is to read the presentation of similar discussions based on the same topic that can be found in this forum. Learn from their presentation. Pay particular attention to the advice as to how to properly present an opening statement. Let me show you an example:

There some people who opt to avoid proteins in their diet. They avoid meats because they consider alternative foods are being healthier for them and more beneficial to the protection of the planet. In this essay, I will presenting a discussion regarding this opinion while also offering my point of view regarding the topic.

As you can see, an appropriate opening paragraph merely paraphrases the discussion in an accurate manner. You need to build up your English vocabulary and also learn about the use of synonyms in sentence presentations. That is the most basic point at which you should focus the start of your English skills improvement. Understand the meaning behind the words. That is the most important thing for you to do now.

Graduate / Need review on my application essay for Graduate admission in Architecture (Building Technology) [2]

Swati, What you have here is an essay that suffers from TMI (Too Much Information ) without actually having a purpose. You said that you wrote this essay for your admission to grad school but you failed to indicate what kind of essay you are writing. Are you being asked to write a statement of intent, motivation letter, self-introduction, personal statement, or statement of purpose? The only thing I am sure of is that you are not writing a study plan presentation. You represent almost all of these essay types in your work which is why the essay tends to come across as pointless and lacking in focus.

Unless I know which of the aforementioned essay types you are trying to write, and what prompt you are responding to (if provided), I will unable to advice you regarding improvements in your essay. I hope you have a chance to let me know what type of essay this is supposed to be, provide the prompt you will be responding to (if you have one), and most importantly, make this thread URGENT so that I can come back and give you more appropriate advice.

Scholarship / A Property Officer from South Pacific Region is trying to apply for an Australian Aid Scholarship [2]

Douglas, you need to indicate what your appointment was all about. There should also be a background reference to the problem you had to deal with. It is not a good idea to discuss the problems and contributions in a vague and collected manner as you are doing now. It will be better if you can focus on a single, serious problem that you faced in the company and then discuss how that issue was resolved. You are appropriately displaying your problem solving skills in this essay, which is the whole point of the question. The reviewer is also interested in the results of your problem solving prowess, but he is more interested in learning how you handle problems in stressful situation. How do you manage to resolve a conflict so that the community would end up better off than when it first started? There is no real sense of the method by which you developed these skills because your discussion tends to merely gloss over all of the pertinent information, almost as if you are afraid to or you do not wish to discuss the matter. An essay statement in response to this is only effective when you thresh out the discussion within the word requirements, otherwise, it is weak and not particularly impressive. That is the situation that this current response is facing but, it could be improved with proper editing and content revision.

Undergraduate / Undergraduate Application for Physiotherapy Personal Statement [2]

Vikhram, your essay contains too much unnecessary information. Your response should focus directly on the questions provided since this is an immensely prompt specific response. Open the essay with a reference to your most significant academic achievement. You cannot use a general statement about how a collective academic achievement led to your scholarship grant. You have to relate an actual incident of academic achievement. Which of these achievements do you think resulted in your receiving the government scholarship? That is what you should be discussing. Explain the circumstances of your academic achievement and why this is a notable accomplishment on your part. How does this relate to your decision to choose physiotherapy as a college major? Why were you offered spot in the school's rehab facility? Why do you believe that this exposure is a strong enough foundation for you to succeed in this college course and eventually, career? The most notable absence in your response is the reference to your future career goals. Why do you want to become a Physiotherapist? What career plans do you have for after you graduate? These are required elements that need to be reflected in the paper but have not been properly developed in your presentation. This essay should not be more than 3-4 paragraphs at the most if you choose to discuss one essay prompt per paragraph.

Undergraduate / Briefly describe a time that your efforts have fallen short or a goal was not accomplished [3]

Tyler, shyness is a good topic but is isn't very effective in the context of shyness in relation to your high school life. Believe it or not, you are not the only shy student to have overcome it during high school. This is pretty much one of the most standard responses that are delivered to the reviewers by applicants. Based on the short summary I read, the information you will be providing about the effects of shyness upon you and potentially, how you overcame it, isn't going to leave an outstanding impression on the reviewer. Perhaps you have another goal or time when you fell short that you can discuss for the essay? It would be best for you to avoid cookie cutter situations such as the one you stated above. Whatever you use for the response needs to be unique and tells the reviewer something about you that he would not have known about your talents or character if you had not written about it as a response to this prompt.

Scholarship / 'Music has been a very important part of my life' - Self Introduction for KGSP [3]

This is not an efficient letter of self introduction because it misses out on so many important aspects required by the prompt but ignored in your essay. You seem to have totally disregarded the importance of the prompt requirements and only selectively discussed the parts of the prompt list that you felt you can respond to strongly. Don't do that. The reviewer is not interested in your sob story about the obstacles you face as a college student majoring in voice. He is interested in learning about the information listed in the prompt.

Your family background discussion is weak. The reviewer needs to learn about how your family, as a unit, has helped you become a good person. What life lessons did you learn from your parents? How did the life of your parents affect your point of view about life? Have your family members served to inspire your future goals and ambitions? In what way? You cannot discuss only part of the prompt and then move on immediately to saying they always supported your dream of becoming a... what? Opera singer? Pop singer? Define what a Classical vocal singer is and mention if this your major. What exactly are you studying as a voice major? Yes, you need to explain that in order for your essay to make sense.

The above questions relate to your academic and work experience qualifications. Since you say you are still in college, and by the way, you need to be sure that you will be graduate by September otherwise you won't qualify for the program, I sense a problem with your application with regards to the work experience requirement. That has to be at least 2 years worth. Without it, your application becomes weak. The activities that you mentioned are not even related to your college major so those may not be able to help your application at all. All of the information that you present needs to be in relation to your current college major because you are trying to prove that you have a future in this field as you have already laid out the foundation for it in college and through your work experience.

I don't really see how your education comes into play here. There is no reference to anything remarkable about your academic life. Neither do you say anything that proves your academic studies have prepared you for a masters course. Speaking of a masters course, what course are you applying to? You need to state as part of your motivation to study in Korea. You also need to have a university picked along with a specific masters course because you need to mention these information in this essay in relation to why you opted to continue your voice (?) studies in Korea.

The weakest part of your essay is the reason that you wish to study in Korea. You sound like just about any other tourist in Korea. Focus on the musical reasons you want to study in Korea. Relate your desire to study there with a shortcoming in your home country with regards to your vocal education.

Frankly speaking, your essay is not going to hold the attention of the reviewer due to its missing and weak details. If you have the time, review the previous KGSP scholarship essays posted here as samples. Learn from their mistakes and use the information they were previously given to help improve your own letter of self introduction. I pointed out the major problem areas of your essay that you have to address. How to strengthen it, all depends upon how you will develop your presentation in a manner relevant to the prompt requirements.

Undergraduate / Something you might not know about me: essay topic for college of Maryland [3]

vasudha, I learned more about your cat than I did about you in this statement. So the answer is no, this is not an appropriate topic for the essay you were assigned to write. What the reviewer is looking for in this essay is information about you that may not have been covered by the previous prompts you were provided to respond to. Think if this as an open topic essay. What is it about your character, interests, hobbies, or ideologies in life that you think you would like the reviewer to know about? Why do you believe that it is important that he knows this or these information about you? Explain how this topic has helped to shape you are a person today. What part of you was affected by this "secret" information in a positive manner?

While the story about the cat is interesting, you delved too much on the story of Thunder instead of yourself in relation to the cat. These information that you presented doesn't tell the reviewer something unique or interesting about you at a person. It has to be some sort of different information. There are many cat people in the world. So knowing that doesn't make you stand out. We need some special information about yourself that will help you become a memorable character out of the dozens of characters that the reviewer will be reading about that day. Otherwise, he just may forget about you in the final round of considerations.

Undergraduate / Tell me about yourself (family, hobbies, dreams, strongest and weakest points) [5]

Cao, you have a problem with the plural form of words. You have everything in the presentation of your essay listed as singular forms when it should be plural in presentation. Use the plural form for the terms parent(s), thing(s), book(s), and computer(s)". Present the following words in the appropriate past tense as well: think = thought, reserve = reserved, easy to be stressful = easily stressed out. Never use SMS spelling for formal academic presentations. Always spell out the full word. So Tks is totally unacceptable while "Thanks" is very acceptable in a formal setting. You also must be conscious of the way that you use the word "I" in the statement. That letter is never written in lowercase when referring to yourself. So it has to be capitalized as all times when writing "I'm, I, I am, I've, I'll". It appears to me that your problems are more in the range of word usage than anything else. You should practice more word usage exercises as well as read more English publications in order to gain a better understanding of the natural English word and sentence formations. By the way, you cannot use an ellipses after a comma. Use only one or the other punctuation mark in the sentence. The ellipses mean a continued but unspoken thought while a comma indicates another related term to the previous word listed.

Writing Feedback / Prevention: The Only Solution To Our Health Problems [2]

Yu, in a Task 2 essay, you must always present a 5 body of paragraph discussion in order to gain the full advantage of your discussion presentation in the scoring considerations. By presenting only 4 explanations, you are not fully defending your stand in the opinion essay. You could actually present a strong stand in the body of paragraphs if you go this way:

Par. 2 - popular reason and explanation
Par. 3 - popular reason and explanation
Par. 4 - Personal experience / knowledge / opinion

Never start your opening statement with the phrase "As for health issues". Such as presentation connotes the presence of a previous discussion that has a connection with the upcoming discussion in the new paragraph. It is a connecting phrase so it works in the same way as a connecting word. It is never used to start a sentence unless there is a preceding sentence or statement before it.

Since you indicate that you "strongly agree" with the issue presented, it is improper for you to use a sentence that has a word that connotes doubt such as "perhaps" in your presentation. A "strong" opinion means you are absolutely sure of your stand and are willing to defend it without question or pause. The presence of the term "perhaps" in your presentation indicates uncertainty and therefore, runs counter to your stated opinion. This creates a weakened presentation and tangential response on your part which will lower the score for your essay in the TA section.

You must also be constantly aware of the sentence requirements per paragraph. The opening and concluding paragraphs are not exempted from the minimum 3 - maximum 5 sentence presentation for every paragraphs. This is because these 2 paragraphs directly increase your TA score in terms of proving your English comprehension skills through the restatement of the prompt and discussion in summarized form.

Scholarship / Cricket fast bowling. PhD research proposal for Commonwealth scholarship Application [3]

Bangarusai, with regards to the location and supervisor, I am of the opinion that you can still strengthen the information in this area. While you have mentioned some relatively popular information about your university choice and the mentor you have chosen, it lacks a personal connection with your study goals at the university. The reviewer already knows the popular information that you indicated. What he would like to know is how your continued research in this field will tie in with the university research, specifically, your chosen mentor's current line of research. As a PhD student, it is assumed that you will either be continuing your masters thesis research or delving into a more relevant and important field of study as a PhD student that can be used to further develop the sport of Cricket. I do not see a commonality between your choice of institution, your mentor, and your study goals. A connection needs to be made in order to show that your addition as a PhD student will heighten the profile of the university and result in a positive development or change in the sport. The more you can imply that your work will increase the notability of the university and the professor in the field, the more you increase your chances for admission consideration.

Scholarship / DETAILED PLAN OF STUDY FOR COMMONWEALTH SCHOLARSHIP-Msc APPLIED INTERNATIONAL DEVELOPMENT [3]

Dalitso, narrow the field of focus for your study plan. You are trying to cover too many topics in one research. You will not be able to merge all of the differing researches in the various fields you indicated. You will need to choose just one topic for your study plan so that you can thoroughly research a topic that will truly make a difference in the life of the people of Malawi.

In order to properly consider your final study plan, you first need to look into the available research avenues and possible methodologies available to you as a student at a particular university. Of the three topics you provided, which one would you prioritize? Does the university offerings and other programs offer you a chance to develop such a study plan? What are the available research options for you? Once you know what your research options are, you should be able to better choose the topic of your research. It is important that you look into the instruments available to you first because if the university cannot assist you with your research, your chances of being admitted will be slim.

You are not really presenting a proper study plan in this instance. You are not even sure of what central topic, methodology, and final outcome of the research you plan to present. Without these elements, all you have written is an essay that presents your motivation for study rather than a concrete study plan. Read the study plan presentations available as samples here. Note the content, format, and presentation that was used. Try to represent something similar in your own revised presentation.

Graduate / The world of data. Statement of Intent for MS in Data Science program [4]

Utsav, the whole essay that you wrote does not qualify as a Statement of Intent. It is a personal statement. However, there is one section of the essay that you can use to hook the reviewer into reading your more appropriate letter of intent. Use the sentence "Data is the new currency, I would like to be a part of this revolution by working as a Data Scientist. "

Explain what you understand about data being the new currency in the essay. What spurred this belief in you? How do you see data being used as a currency in the future? What potential does data have to take the place of actual currency if ever? Think outside the box. What is your intention for studying this MS program along the lines of data currency? Why do you believe that Data will be a valuable commodity in the future? Is this belief one of the factors that propelled your intention to learn more about Data Science?

Reduce the focus on your training and instead, offer an insight into your participation in data mining that has laid out the foundation or preparation for yourself in line with Data Science studies. The intent needs to be clear. How do you see yourself changing the game in this field? How do you hope to be a pioneer in a particular aspect of the business? What mode of data use do you hope to pioneer? These will represent the intention for your interest in the course. The intent needs to have a professional real world application. It isn't just a listing of your qualifications and inspirations. It is a presentation of the reasons why you believe that Data Science will be an important part of business in the future.

Scholarship / Personal background that encourage the future contribution to development of Nigeria [2]

Stephen, you should rethink your presentation in this essay. You should have a uniformity in the presentation that lays the foundation for your desire to improve the plight of women in Nigeria from the very start of the essay. I will admit, I am a bit confused because you have a male name but you are advocating for the female gender. Is Stephen a Nigerian female name? I need to reconcile the gender with the interests that you have in the promotion of gender equality in Nigeria, specifically of women.

I will assume that you are a female and will advise you to revise the essay based on this gender. At the start of the essay, you should indicate that , due to your gender, you faced extreme difficulties in life due to, you guessed it, gender inequality issues in your country. Explain how difficult it was for you to attend school because of your gender, which is why you needed to get scholarships in order to complete your studies. What obstacles as a woman did you face and how did you overcome it? Be more specific by presenting gender based situations instead of academic situations.

When you discuss your participation in the development of your country or your contribution to your cause, don't talk about the slum area, think about a time when you fought your equal rights and succeeded. That would connect better to your eventual discussion about gender equality and equal employment situations that you wish to resolve in Nigeria.

Scholarship / The methodology that you will use and the potential significance of the study to your discipline [4]

Stephen, I do not know how I can help you when you have not written a detailed study plan based upon the prompt requirement. You are to develop a thesis statement, an explanation of the required research, and the objectives of your research. You also did not explain why you chose these 3 universities in relation to your desired goal of study as well as the reasons you have chosen specific mentors. There is nothing in this essay that will properly address the prompt requirements. As such, you will need to write a new Study Plan that is more specific about the following:

1. Topic for research
2. Reason for research
3. Method of research

After you present this information, you will need to specialize the succeeding information regarding the choice of university and mentors. You can look at examples of these detailed study plans at this forum . Just click on the Similar Discussions Link [+] located above the text box. Those samples should give you an idea as to what to write for your detailed study plan.

Scholarship / To advance in the field of agricultural biotechnology. Letter of Self-Introduction for KGSP 2018 [3]

Florina, you need to revise this essay to be more prompt responsive. Remember that you will not get a chance at a formal physical interview so you need to get across as much pertinent information as you can to the reviewer through this letter of introduction. That means, you must balance the way you present your information in the manner required by the prompts. You can start editing the essay by removing the famous quote and summary of your academic "achievements" at the start of the essay. Those will be better discussed later on in the appropriate prompt within the letter.

I have found that your essay does not fully develop your personal background. Instead of using that "famous quote" in the essay, explain instead how your parents and your relationship with your siblings influenced your point of view about life. What life lessons did your parents teach you that you feel will guide you for the rest of your life? Do you have any hopes, dreams, and aspirations for yourself and your family?

As for your education and work experience in relation to the program, try to concentrate on presenting only the events that led to your graduating "With Honors". Try not to discuss too many details of your life experience in college. That is not the information the reviewer wants to read about. What he needs to know is how you excelled as a college student. So the statement you made at the beginning about the value of an education comes in at this point. More importantly, you should explain why you believe that the KGSP program can specifically support your desire for a masters degree in this particular course. You will need to do research regarding the agricultural aspect of the program in order to properly respond to this question.

The reviewer already knows that you are financially challenged so there is no need to keep repeating that information throughout the essay. One thing the reviewers dislike very much is the often repeated information in a presentation because it comes across as the student playing the "pity card" too much. Tone it down. Say it once then do not repeat it again.

It would be better for the essay if you can separate your motivation for applying to this program from your reason for studying in Korea. Since those are 2 separate prompts, you should also discuss the topics separately. Develop the explanation fully because single sentences do not really qualify as justifications for motivation to apply for this program. By the way, don't say "studying abroad" because that is a generic term. You have to discuss your motivation for applying to the program. Don't confuse that with the reason you want to study in Korea. Those are 2 different topics for discussion.

These guidelines should help you develop a better focused response to the prompt that will not bore the reviewer with too much unrelated information. Even though you have 2 pages to complete this essay, you should make sure that it is 2 pages of accurate information that truly introduces you, in the required manner, to the reviewer.

Scholarship / You must provide a statement explaining how their proposed study relates to a development need. You [3]

Stephen, you turned the statement into a research paper. Delete all of the information regarding the government of Nigeria and its efforts to curb gender discrimination. As per the partial prompt you provided, you are expected to create a study proposal in relation to the development of gender equality in the field of employment in Nigeria. In other words, you are to present a masters thesis proposal that indicates your study plan and goal of study in relation to the development needed in that sector in your country. This is most certainly not a thesis proposal. As for the second half of the prompt, I am not sure what it is all about because you did not completely post the prompt. Actually, you used the prompt as a title, which is a violation of the forum regulations and could very well get this post deleted. It would be in your best interest to post the full prompt for the review of your essay next time you post a different essay for review. As for this essay. This is the only advice that can be given to you by a contributor. I sure wish you had posted the full prompt requirement so that you could have received ample help from me.

Writing Feedback / Presentation of the employee sick leave issue [3]

Rahul, where is the argument that you are responding to? Unfortunately, the GRE essay cannot be reviewed and accurately evaluated for a score unless the argument and claim being made is presented in its original form to me for comparison purposes. Your arguments are strong, you make some good points, but its effectivity of this presentation cannot be judged according to the scoring criteria, nor can the problem points be targeted unless the original discussion and claim is presented for analytical purposes. I apologize for telling you this but you just wasted your one free contributor advice on this post because of the missing instructions and claim information. If you can post the original article and claim, as well as make this post URGENT, I should be able to come back and offer you an actual review, analysis, and scoring guide for this essay. If you do not make this post URGENT, it may be impossible for me to come back and help you with this essay.

Research Papers / Research paper for human papillomavirus [2]

Esther, I'm not sure if you posted your complete research for review. It feels like this is only a partial part of the research, the early part that doesn't really delve into the research topic in a full manner yet. I think that this perception was caused by the run-on sentence in the first paragraph that stitched together a series of information, without really having a purpose for its presentation. The presentation of the information doesn't seem to have a point because, even though you presented a series of information related to the HPV virus, the thesis statement of the research was not presented. What is this discussion about? Why do we need to be familiar with the various types of HPV's? The opening paragraph is highly informative but without a specific reason for its presentation.

While the information throughout is clear, I am wondering if this is supposed to be an abstract of the actual research paper or if this is the actual research paper. Either way, the purpose for the research is not very clear to the reader. Again, you wrote an informative paper, it just lacks a sense of being. Present the purpose for this research and this paper should be all set for further development.

I am not aiming to correct any grammar issues at the moment because you are writing a highly technical and scientific paper so the grammar should be left for last in your editing. The major focus should be on perfecting the content for now because grammar correction in an imperfectly developed paper will not really help you make the grade in the eyes of the professor.

Writing Feedback / Should the Government or Family Pay for retirement medical cares. [3]

Han, you have a problem when it comes to noun usage. You keep capitalizing the word government in the essay when it is not meant to be capitalized. That is, unless the word is used at the beginning of a sentence. In this case however, you keep using it mid-sentence, which means it is not to be written with a capital letter. It does not indicate a proper noun, person, place, or thing. The government is an idealistic entity and as such, is simply a normal word. It does not exist in a formal form as defined by the noun usage rules. This mistake will have a strong effect on your final GRA score.

You must also use a thesaurus to vary your word usage. You keep using the term elderly and elders in the essay which, at times, can be politically incorrect to use. Some other terms you could have used are "senior citizens" , advanced age people, aging, and retired, among some other terms that you could have used to vary up the presentation of your essay. Using varied descriptions for the same word can help to increase your lexical score.

Do not use connecting words such as "but" and "because" to start your sentences. As the description of the word implies, it is used to connect 2 thoughts in one sentence. Since that is not the method by which you are using the word, you are showing a lack of sentence development rules knowledge. Thus further decreasing your GRA score.

Letters / Email to my manager to request subscription for some websites. [4]

Ashkan, your letter is as effective as a child asking for an allowance increase from his parents for no apparent reason. You don't give a reason for the subscription to the websites. If you want to convince your manager that the university library should subscribe to these websites, you need to justify its necessity. The justification must come not only from your need to have access to these sites, but also, why the whole department should consider the subscription a helpful tool in its research, data collection, and data analysis pursuits. It is only after justifying the need for the subscription to each website that you can ask your manager to inform you as to what the proper procedure for gaining approval for these subscriptions might be. Consider that the department already has existing subscriptions to other related sites, why should they add these to the expensive roster of subscriptions? Consider that the full budget for subscription payments may have already been spent for this year, would you be amenable to the library subscribing next year instead? If no, then present evidence of the reasons why the subscription cannot be put off, for the whole department, not just yourself. This letter just be a justification letter along with it being a letter of request. Combine the two objectives in one letter and you will have a very strong letter of request.

Scholarship / Describe your educational goals, the career path you've chosen- IPAG scholarship application [2]

Phan, you have overly complicated the application essay when there are only 2 paths of response required for it. This should actually not be more than a 5 paragraph essay based upon the prompt requirements indicating:

1. Your educational goals
2. Your career path

Since you did not provide the original prompt for the scholarship essay development, I will be giving you advice based upon the obvious requirements from the title you created.

Since you wish to become a Human Resource Manager, and IPAG only offers a BBA course that will prepare you to become a multifaceted business manager, you will need to widen your presentation to focus less on Human Resources and portray your interest as an overall business manager instead. Your academic goal should be to achieve an academic competency that will allow you to eventually specialize in Human Resource Management. You can mention your educational goal as being related somehow to the slant of the program that focuses on cross cultural management. Perhaps even considering a double degree track in order to gain a wider scope of BA education. This, in your explanation, should reflect how it can help you achieve a solid foundation as a Human Resource Manager.

Your career path should spin off from the educational goal. Since you will not immediately be hired as a HR manager, you should explain what your career path will be after you graduate. For example, you can seek employment in a headhunter company. At this company, you will hone your human resources skills that you will have acquired from IPAG on your way to gaining employment as an HR manager in a top hotel. Discuss how you see your career path over a period of 2 years. That would give you enough time to become an HR employee or manager at the hotel and also, allow you the work experience that you will need in order to pursue a masters degree in HR Management in the future.

Basically, you need to reconcile the educational goal with the career path in an essay that seamlessly connects the two topics in an interrelated manner. You can probably complete the revised essay in 4 paragraphs or less. This is, assuming that there are no specific prompt requirements and word limitation that you have to adhere to.

Undergraduate / UIUC transfer essay - Computer Science - goals fulfilled in the intended program of study [2]

Fahad, start your essay from the current second paragraph. Since this is a word limited essay, you need to respond pointedly to the question instead of discussing non-related information first. By indicating what your final goal is, you can present a simple study plan that will help you achieve your ultimate goal as a professional. Those are the 2 most important topics for presentation in this essay. In outline form it is:

1. Academic goals in relation to a professional plan of action
2. Professional plans in relation to the academic and training facilities offered by the university

Each university has a specific laboratory, research facility, or other academic or non-academic / internship / training programs that can be utilized by the hard working and forward thinking students of the university. Instead of focusing on India alone, explain how the opportunities, specific opportunities at the university will help you achieve your academic interests and professional goals. Show your familiarity with the program and that you have a specific study plan in mind that will help you achieve your academic goals with the support of the university programs and facilities.

I guess it is pretty obvious that you will have to write a new essay based on these additional information unless you can figure out a way to revise your current essay in a manner that will still allow you to represent the required elements as I pointed out to you.

Writing Feedback / Homework is unnecessary, do you agree? [6]

Anny, your essay is not accurately representative of the required discussion. You can see that you only have 4 paragraphs in the presentation of a 5 paragraph essay. Since this is not an IELTS Task 1 essay, you will fall short in scoring considerations because you did not fully develop your discussion of the given prompt topic. I also do not believe that you accurately paraphrased the original prompt as you indicated in the opening statement. That statement is usually a 5 sentence outline of the original prompt. I feel that there is missing information in that paragraph but I cannot pinpoint the specific missing information because you did not post the original prompt along with your response. Kindly post the original prompt next time you post an essay because my review of your work, as a contributor at this forum, will always be incomplete without that reference.

Your biggest mistake in this essay is that you only used a 3 sentence personal opinion presentation as the concluding presentation of the essay. This is a highly common error among the IELTS Task 2 writers. The concluding paragraph needs to be a stand alone paragraph that discusses your opinion and offers insights into the essay topic along with personal experience or examples. That is why it cannot be a concluding statement of the essay.

The concluding statement is a review and summary of the previous discussion in 3-5 sentences. It restates the prompt, offers the recap of the discussion points, and then restates your personal opinion, prior to the closing sentence of the essay.

Your essay also uses words such as "controversial", which I am sure, was not indicated or implied in the original prompt. If the situation implied in the original prompt does not indicate a "hot button" topic so to speak, avoid over descriptive words. These opinion essays are never "controversial or debatable", these are always "discussions or stated opinions". Exaggerated terms may sound nice to the writer but to the educated writer, the examiner, he knows that you are not accurately informing the reader of the facts so he can score you down for that. The opening statement is all about paraphrasing accuracy. Stick to the discussion, without exaggeration or you risk changing the slant of the discussion and thus, deviating to a certain extent from the original prompt, which will result in points deductions for you.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Writing Test Task2： Exercise alone or with a group of people [5]

Frank, it will be a disservice for me to allow you to continue to believe that you could score a 3 with this essay. Based on the appropriate scoring considerations for the TOEFL test, which only trained individuals in the field are informed of, your essay will not pass the test at all. The basic reason it will fail, and at this point, is because you have not appropriately formatted the TOEFL essay that you presented.

A basic TOEFL essay is anywhere between 150 and 250 words. If you write 150 words, you will probably pass the test on a mere passing mark. Write 250 words and you will get the highest possible scoring consideration. Write more than that and you will fail the test automatically. Why am I saying you will fail the test? Consider the most basic formatting requirement for TOEFL tests and you will understand why.

A TOEFL essay cannot be more than 3 paragraphs, no more than 250 words due to the time constraint and writing requirements. The examiner is not interested in your vast English vocabulary, all that matters to him is that you can explain yourself clearly using the least amount of words possible. The reason for that is that in an American university or college, all research papers and essays have word limitations. He needs to know that you can perform within the limits of a basic English research or essay assignment. It for this reason that you will not pass the test based on the performance you showed in this practice test.

Writing 250 words will allow you to have time to edit your essay. 300+ words means you will most likely not even finish writing the essay. If you do complete the essay, your work will not be proofread so your work will be scored with the errors, that could have been edited if you wrote only 250 words, still in there so it will pull down your score to badly, your will be in danger of not passing the test. Either way, you will not pass the test because with this length, you will not have enough time to wrap up the discussion before your time is up.

I will assume that you are not enrolled in a formal TOEFL review class which is why you made this mistake. It will be helpful to you if you review the other TOEFL essays here and learn from the advice given to them so that you will not repeat the mistakes they made and you can also automatically improve your writing presentation in your succeeding practice tests.

Graduate / Statement of Intent for Masters in Global Health [5]

Nahla, this is an improved version of your statement of intent. I hope you won't mind when I tell you that there is still room for improvement though. It mostly has to do with the formatting of the paper and also, beefing up the reference to your university choice. You can present the essay in the following manner:

Par. 1: My endeavours to learn and absorb...prevention programs.
Par. 2: Through the Master's Programme in Global Health... relief of illness or symptoms.
Par. 3: I know that an education from XXXX would prepare me well to take an appropriate initiative in my home country. (Your explanation here is to be more specific the reasons you chose the university. Beyond the generalized references, you need to show a familiarity with the program you have chosen and how it will specifically help you achieve your future academic and professional goals by citing clear references to the university offerings and how it applies to your academics and profession. )

Par. 4: Through my last years of university ... of healthcare grew ardently. I believe I have the will power ... scope of research of the program.

The format about is what I believe will be the best method of presentation for your essay. You may decide to adjust some of the presentation, specially the concluding paragraph, in order to better suit the new form of the essay and additional information you are now presenting.

Graduate / Drug development and it's importance : A statement of interest in Msc. In pharmaceutical science [2]

Chisom, most of your essay is not responsive to the prompt requirements. There are some portions that you can use which can give a direct response to the questions provided. You need not bore the reviewer with boring details unless it will somehow connect with the given question. You must also reformat the paper in order to deliver your responses in the expected manner. The chronological order of the prompt listing would be the best presentation to follow as these will be the shortest and most informative manner of response.

1. Your specific area of academic interest (research topic you want to work on)
- In 2009, my cousin passed away from his battle with hepatitis... In his honour, i would be interested in studying the impact of hepatic and other liver disease ...

- Remove the reference to your close relationship to your cousin as that has no medical inclination. Remove the reference to soccer as well. That is not a question foind in the prompt for this response. Develop the discussion about Dr. Ensom instead. Focus on the current point of development in his work and then connect it to a research proposal for your goal of study in this paper. It would be better if your goal of study will build upon some related research you did in college as this will show a continuing education path for yourself. This makes you a stronger candidate.

2. How your past education and other experiences have prepared you to be successful in the graduate program.
- You do not have an applicable response. The reviewer is not interested in learning what courses you took and what you learned that prepared you for the course. He is highly familiar with the courses and its necessity in the field. What he does need to know, is if you were an exceptional student during your college days, For example, what kind of thesis did you present for graduation? How does that relate to this field of interest in masters studies? Or, what kind of grades did you have? What subjects did you excel in when considering its relationship to pharma science? Were you on the Dean's List as a college student? He needs to know if you won any awards or received any recognition because these are the past educational experience that prove you are ready to tackle the demands of this course.

- There is a lack of professional, internship, or training related experience in your presentation. SIFE is not an impressive experience to present in this instance as it does not show that you have a professional working foundation that will make it easier for you to tackle the studies required and make it easier for you to complete the demands of the course. A related work experience should be mentioned, even if it is only work experience you had as a part time pharmacy employee.

3. What you hope to achieve in the graduate program
- The focus of this response needs to show how you will build the foundation for your future career. What you hope to achieve should be phrased in the form of "At the end of the program, I will be able to...Upon my return to my home country, I will use my new education to help..."

4. Why this particular program at UBC is the best place for you to pursue your interests
- I want to pursue M.Sc. in pharmaceutical science ... behind developing a drug.
- Further develop this line of thinking by specifically mentioning how you plan to take advantage of the educational support system the school offers. Anything from utilizing the student laboratory to one of the on-campus extra curricular clubs you plan to join (UBS club can be mentioned here) will help explain why this university is the best place for you to pursue your interests.

Writing Feedback / Changes of the propotion of population aged 65 and over [2]

Dang, even though you wrote more than the required 150 words, there are a number of errors in your analytical presentation. The first is that you do not have an accurate summary overview for the essay. The second, is the lack of the 4 paragraph presentation. The third, is a lack of comparison analysis based on the overlapping points in the chart. Last, is your misformatted paragraph presentations. You have a 6 sentence paragraph presentation, one sentence more than the maximum of 5 sentences. Do not compress all of the information into one paragraph. Don't rush your analysis. Divide the presentation on a per country basis. That is how you can best present the analysis of the information.

Let me start by showing a more accurate summary overview.

A line graph has been presented for analysis based on the sixty five year old and over population of Japan, Sweden, and the USA. The proportion for the aging population was measured based on a 2 decade gap starting in 1940 with a prediction for the population rate by the year 2040. The overall trend shows that Japan will have the highest population based on the reported ages by the year 2040. This essay will analyze the trend in growth percentage based on a 2 decade basis, as well as make comparisons regarding overlapping percentages of the 3 countries whenever possible.

From that point, the remaining paragraphs could have been alloted in the following manner:

Paragraph 2 - Japan information with overlapping comparisons prior to the transition sentence into the next paragraph.
Paragraph 3 - Sweden data, again with the same overlapping information requirement for the 3 countries. The transition statement is at the end of the comparison discussion.

Paragraph 4 - USA information presented in a better and clearer detail due to the meeting points of the provided percentage data from the first 2 countries

As with all Task 1 essays, no conclusion is required because this is an analytical essay, not a discussion essay.

Scholarship / Your plan of study and/or research you propose to pursue and relate this to your future career plan [2]

ABUBAKAR, although you have written a very personal paper here, it is not an accurate response to your plan of study in relation to your research for your masters thesis. The first thing you have to ask yourself when you write this essay is, "What do I hope to accomplish by the end of my studies?". The response to this question will rely heavily on what your plan for the business inherited is. What are your immediate plans for after graduation in relation to your business? What innovations do you wish to present? Or, in this case, will you be seeking foreign investors to help you grow the business you inherited? Using the information that you will be gaining from the theoretical lessons of the class, how do you plan to put these into action once you assume leadership of your family business again?

Since your major will be in Islamic banking and finance, the best plan of study you can present, as far as I am concerned, is a look into the relationship between Nigerian and Islamic banks and how the latter has invested in Nigerian businesses and financing institutions. Based on this information, your research proposal should be related to increasing the Islamic investments in Nigerian businesses or banking institutions. How can this partnership be increased in specific markets that will create a mutually beneficial investment relationship between the two? Explain how you plan to go about this by accomplishing specific research in the field.

What I have just explained to you is the purpose of the study and research plan. The questions are meant to help guide you in the development of a new and more relevant response. Your current information is no better than a simplistic personal statement that does not really present a solid plan of action upon your acceptance as a student at the university of your choice. You definitely need to delete this essay and write a new one that is more attuned to a study plan and research proposal. You can look at examples within this forum. As you read, you might find yourself inspired to write your own strong study plan and research proposal as well.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for Professional MSc in Big Data [2]

Adwait, your college academic presentation should not enumerate the classes that you took unless you excelled and received honors or recognition for your performance in these classes. The reviewer already knows what classes are involved in a Mechanical Engineering course so there is no need to enumerate these in this essay. All he wants to know about regarding your college studies is, "What classes did you excel in and why? ". Aside from that, a mention of any exceptional projects, in relation to Big Data collection would be an enhancement of your academic presentation. If your accomplishment or project does not relate to the topic of Big Data, then you should not be mentioning it in the essay because that is irrelevant information that could make the reviewer stop reading your SOP. For your college project that won an award, try to think of some way to connect it to Big Data collection or how your can use this sort of project in the field of Big Data. That way you can mention this project in a relevant manner to your desired course of master study.

As an employee at Tata, focus more on the 2 projects that introduced you to Big Data collection and its uses. The previous mention of the mechanical engineering aspect of the job is irrelevant yet again because those tasks did not involve the development of your interest in big data. Now, since a masters degree student is required to have at least 2 years work experience in the field that he wishes to enrol in, it would be best if you simply omit the mention of the length of time you have been involved in the study of big data. Or, you could simply say that "my collective 2 year work experience at Tata..." that way you are not lying in your SOP, just stretching the truth a bit for your benefit. Skip the presentation about the seminar you conducted for TCS. It is again not important nor related to your foundation in Big Data on a professional level. The part about enhancement and development of legacy applications should remain.

Now, I have to point out that there is no solid purpose for your desire to study other than the generic reasons that all students use. If you want this SOP to stand out, you will need to either develop a solid purpose for your line of study in relation to your 5 year career goals or, you will have to indicate a desire to improve a specific part of Big Data Analysis through these studies in order to make the data collection more efficient and useful in a specific field. As of now, that part of this essay is almost non-existent.

Based on these observations, let me tell you straight to the point, you can't revise the essay. You will be better off writing a new one because a major part of this current version is irrelevant in terms of the required information considerations. Based on your background, you should be able to write a new and more appropriate SOP within 500 words or less. That means you will be in the median word count range. Not too long and not too short, but highly informative for the reviewer to analyze with the rest of your application documents.

Undergraduate / SUPPLEMENTAL APPLICATION ENTRANCE ESSAY ON POLARITY [2]

Salena, you have chosen a pretty good concept to present in this essay but I feel that it is lacking on many fronts as part of your formal written interview. The first missing element is, "why do you lose all track of time when you engage in a study of Polarity?". The other missing element is "What does this concept that I am enthralled by tell the reviewer about me as a student and as a person?" Each interview question that you need to respond to must always provide some additional information about you in a manner that relates to a particular interest.

In this case, I learned a tremendous amount about Polarity, the concept, the pioneers who studied it, its application, and where you turn to study more about it. Yet I learned nothing about who you are in relation to your interest in this concept. This is where the "you find so engaging that you lose all track of time" segment of the prompt comes in. It is also the most pivotal part of your response. That is why I suggest that you revise the essay to better explain the missing portion.

I know you have a word limitation so you may wish to consider writing a new essay from scratch that borrows elements of its response from this version of the essay.

Graduate / I envisage myself as a pioneer, an entrepreneur in the field of Mechatronics. [5]

@Shekhar12 I am now confused as to what sort of essay you are really trying to write. The first post you made said it is a motivational letter. Yet, when you were mistakenly asked by @olorunleke01 what type of essay you are trying to write as he is not familiar with application essays, you responded that it is a personal statement. It appears that you do not know the difference between the information that is to be indicated in a motivation letter and what data goes into a personal statement.

It is because of these differences in information to be presented that I need you to be sure of what kind of essay you are really trying to write. In order to avoid further confusion, I would like you to post a copy of the original instructions for writing the essay. That way, you do not have to try to explain what you are trying to write, The reader will already know what you are expected to write. We need the complete instructions for this essay. Not just the title of the essay but everything from what you have to write up to the maximum word count. Without the accurate instructions, we will not know what kind of essay you need to write and how it is supposed to be written.

Due to your confusion as to what you are really trying to write, you have wasted your one free advice coming from a contributor because I just ended up asking you questions about what you have to write. I am not sure if I can come back to give you advice but I will certainly try.

Writing Feedback / The number of youngsters reading newspapers or watch the news is declining. Reasons and solutions? [3]

@vinu460 even though you wrote 297 words for this essay, you will not pass the test. The reason you will not pass is simple, you are not discussing the essay as per the original prompt requirements. Your opening statement deviated from the original post because it indicates a totally different form of discussion based on a totally non-existent source. The source you chose to represent in your paraphrase totally changed the way that the essay was to be discussed and what the topic for discussion was. The correct paraphrase is:

Various countries have shown a trend that indicates a lack of interest in printed news and television news programs among the youth. I believe that there a number of reasons for this situation. In this essay, I will be discussing the reasons that I believe have caused this lack of interest in obtaining news among young adults and how it can be resolved.

This is supposed to be a 5 paragraph essay but you only wrote 3 paragraphs. So formatting wise, you will also lose points. The fact that you did not really discuss any reasons, but rather, merely listed a series of reasons, without appropriate supporting explanations shows that you did not understand the instructions. It also indicates that you are incapable of presenting a coherent and cohesive English based discussion. Sadly, your badly developed reason paragraph will drag down the good work that you did in the possible solutions discussion paragraph. You would still have received a failing C&C score because of the discussion development problem your essay has.

The rules the discussion of any of these essays are simple:

1 reason = 1 paragraph discussion (topic sentence, reason for validity of chosen topic / reason, supporting explanation, examples, transition sentence)
*Fully developed discussion = 5 paragraphs

* A full paragraph discussion is never less than 3 sentences but no more than 5 sentences.

Using the above guideline, you will be able to score highly in the LR, C&C, and GRA sections because you can prove your ability to think and function in an English setting based upon your fully developed, outlines, and explained individual topic paragraphs.

Writing Feedback / Some believe that work experience is way more crucial than what is currently being taught at schools [2]

Peter, this is a very wordy essay at 395 words. I do not advice that you write more than 250 words because you are wasting time writing excess words when you could be using the extra time allotment for editing, revising, and improving the content of your essay. You need to learn how to say more things using less words. Build your vocabulary. Wordy essays will not get you anywhere because in the actual test setting, you will find that you will be pressed for time and may not be able to complete your essay if you insist on going beyond 250 words.

Due to the wordiness of your essay, you ended up creating overly long paragraphs. You tried to get around the 5 sentence requirement by using commas to connect your thoughts, which resulted in run-on sentences and overly discussed lines. While long paragraphs with long sentences may look good on paper, it does nothing to improve your GRA score. In actuality, these long sentences, which use commas in unnecessary portions simply because you want to keep on talking even though the topics no longer relate to one another, will result in reduced GRA scores. Don't unnecessarily risk your scores in favor of being talkative. Keep it under control that is why the 5 sentence per paragraph rule was set into place for this test. Practice saying more with less words. It is all in the vocabulary use. Improve your English vocabulary to an intermediate level and you will find that you will not need so many words to express yourself.

As for the examples that you use. You could get better scoring considerations in the C&C section if you do not focus on a particular country, such as Australia, when giving examples. Use general terms because the prompt did not focus on a specific country in its presentation. The discussion you present must be applicable to any situation or country, not just one specific place. That will show a more generalized analysis of the situation and a better discussion on your part.

In the concluding paragraph, it would have been stronger if you had presented the opposing point of view first. That way, you can continue to weaken that reason based on the summarized discussion points and then, a repeat of your point of view.

Overall, you have showed an ability to analyze and appropriately discuss a given topic. I am just worried about the length of your discussion because you may be doing yourself a disservice if you continue to write excessively long essays with a total disregard for the time you need for strengthening your essay within the given time frame.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: student's basic curriculum - with or without art? [5]

SU, you have a problematic opening paraphrase which will result in a low TA score. You had a proper presentation of the discussion topic and the reason for the discussion. The problem came when you had to represent the discussion instruction. Look at this :

Original Instruction: Discuss both sides and give your opinion
Your Instruction: I strongly disagree. This essay is going to present main reasons about this controversial topic.

Based on the portions that affect the opening paraphrase statement, I know that you can see where you made the mistake. It is quite obvious. The proper presentation for this section would have been:

There are two schools of thought when it comes to art. The first, is that art is a subject that is important so it should be taught to children. The other, is that are is not an important topic so it is just a waste of time to teach it to kids. In this essay, I will discuss both points of view as well as offer my personal view on the this topic.

Please never neglect to proofread your essay for sentence structure, grammar mistakes, and punctuation errors. In this essay, there were instances when you failed to capitalize the first word in a new sentence. You do not want to lower your GRA score just because you forgot to proofread your essay. That would be a sad reason to fail the test.

In your second paragraph, you placed the topic sentence towards the end of the essay instead of the start. The proper presentation for that paragraph is:

If we want to have a close look at how human beings use creativity ... Undoubtedly , art has a significant ... learn art at school .

By properly formatting your paragraph based upon the strongest possible sentence presentation, you would have created an extremely strong discussion for that paragraph.

In an IELTS essay, it is best that you do not pose questions in any of your paragraphs because you will not be able to properly respond to the questions you posed. That is because responding to your personal questions will result in a prompt deviation, which will cause the failing score of your essay.

You must use first person pronouns in the presentation of your personal opinion in order to show the point of the essay where you are discussing your personal opinion already. It is important that you take ownership of the paragraph because the personal opinion is the most important aspect of an opinion essay. It showcases your analytical and reasoning skills in the English language. These are the most important aspects that can prove your ability to succeed as an ESL student in an ENL school setting. You cannot say "Like what I discussed above" to represent your personal opinion. This needs to be a solidly developed stand alone paragraph. Neither can you use it as a concluding statement as that sort of presentation does not accurately summarize the preceding discussion. Which is the purpose of the closing statement.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2 - essay about reasons why young people have a negative attitude towards learning? [2]

Yu, are you responding to a direct question essay? You forgot to indicate what kind of essay type you are practicing for. The reason I need to know whether you are responding to a direct question or a discussion essay is because each type uses a different opening statement. If you wrote this essay for a direct response essay, then your format is correct but short on the required number of sentences for a paragraph. If you are responding to a discussion essay, then your presentation is totally incorrect. The proper presentation for this prompt would be:

Individuals who depart from learning institutions do not have a good impression of the learning process. I believe that there are two reasons for this impression. Based on the 2 reasons that I will be presenting, I will also present a possible resolution to the situation.

All of your paragraphs must start with the topic sentence instead of an introduction sentence. That is the best way to start the essay based on the allowable 5 sentence format. The topic sentence kicks off the paragraph followed by a supporting explanation, an example presentation, then a transition sentence. You got that part of the requirements correct in most of your presentations.

However, you solution presentation lacks focus. Since this is the 3rd body of paragraph for your essay, you need to present a solution that responds to both the situations you previously presented. That way, you can fully explain why this solution will work for both problems instead of your current presentation that does not fully explain how these 2 solutions are supposed to help solve the predicament. Remember, each paragraph discussion should only have one topic per paragraph. That is why there is only one topic sentence at the start of the paragraph.

The concluding statement is insufficient. It must be composed of no less than 3 sentences (just like the other paragraphs in the essay) and should appropriately summarize the discussion presented. What you presented was just a new topic sentence that was not fully developed. Therefore, this is not an essay that was properly concluded. You are missing an actual concluding paragraph in this instance.

Graduate / SOP FOR MS GAME DEVELOPMENT FALL 2018 [2]

HI Rutul, in relation to the university ranking, our forum is not in the habit of ranking universities, nor do we rank these academic institutions for the student applicants because the qualities of the university, and whether or not it appeals to a student, along with its personal ranking, are all based upon personal decisions that we are not privy to. What I can tell you though, is that you chose very good universities as your options. What you have to do now is think of what you want to learn and then chart the universities that seem to fall within your personal academic requirements. You are the best person to rank these universities from 1-7 because you, of all people, will know what you are looking for and which your first choice university is, regardless of its ranking in the field.

I hope that you are not planning on writing just one statement of purpose for all of the universities that you will be applying to. Based upon the specific SOP prompt of each university, you will need to write a specific essay meant only for that university or adjust your content each time to suit the required SOP information. Can you tell me which university you plan to submit this SOP to and what the prompt requirements are?

The information regarding the prompt requirements will allow me to assess if any portion of this essay is usable in a statement of purpose. You see, what you have written is not a statement of purpose, nor a personal statement. It reads more like an academic autobiography, which is not what either essay requires. The statement of purpose needs to respond to only a specific set of information. On a general level, it should only present information regarding the following:

1. The length of time you have had work experience in the field of Game Development. Indicate any relevant internships or part time jobs as well since you are often times required to have at least 2 years work experience in the field. This information does not apply if you are applying for an MS that allows for direct from college enrolment.

2. Any significant college achievements that you may have accomplished. This includes and awards, competition prizes, or published work in gaming journals or something similar. You may take this opportunity to indicate a summarized explanation of your college studies and any pertinent information that might influence the decision of the reviewer regarding your admission.

3. The purpose you have for pursuing an MS course in Game Development. Do not mistake this for your motivation. Those are 2 different things.

4. Discuss the reasons why you chose this specific university. Align it with your career objectives over 5 years. Explain how the university masters degree relates to and will allow you to pursue your 5 year career plan after you graduate.

You have an over informative essay that does not really explain the purpose of your application in a manner that the reviewer can appreciate. If you wait to choose your universities first, then write your SOP based upon the proper, required information, you will find that your SOP will be shorter and also, more informative to a greater degree. What you can do for now is write a generic SOP from where you can pick out information for expanded discussion based upon the specific university prompt requirements for its masters course.

Scholarship / Describe SDG#10: Reduced Inequalities against the context of your home country. (Swedish Institute) [4]

Ege, since you have a highly limited character count, you should not try to present too much inequalities in this statement. Since you have personal knowledge and/or experience regarding employment / unemployment, you should explain how unemployment in your country can be reduced in the context of the Sustainable Development Goal of the scholarship program. Describe how you see the solution to this problem based upon the course you will be studying then relate how this will help improve the economy of your country in a sustainable manner. You will need to revise your response in order to deliver the appropriate response. Just remember, the statement is not about the number of goals you can represent but rather, which goals you can successfully relate to the goals of the scholarship. In the previous statement, you listed a number of goals, but could only expand upon one discussion. Therefore, that is the goal you should focus on in the new response.

Graduate / Applying for the International Masters in Security, Intelligence and Strategic Studies [2]

Gabriele, it seems to me that you need to simply respond to this essay based on the 3 prompt requirements you were given. That means, you have written quite a number of irrelevant paragraphs in the essay. I think I can help you better respond to the prompt with a few suggestions. Let's get started below.

1. What is your main motivation for applying to the IMSISS postgraduate degree?
- My main motivation...security issues around the world....and politics as possible.

2. How will your educational background and/or work experience inform your engagement with this programme?
- I graduated with a BA in... The degree equipped ...analytical skills...contribution towards my future goals.
- During my internship ...and within politics.*
* Develop the discussion of your time working with the government of Lithuania. Focus on the strong points such as your work at the Embassy of Japan and, most importantly, sitting in at the president of Lithuania's office. These are the most impressive aspects of information in your presentation

3. How will this programme support your future career development?
- The idea of becoming a professional ... at an international level.

These direct responses to the questions posed for you in the essay should, once you adjust your responses, result in a more relevant presentation of information that have a direct relationship with the prompt provided.

Scholarship / Why I want to Obtain my MSW in South Korea for the Korean Government Scholarship Program (KGSP) [2]

Keelyanne, there are only two points that I feel you need to attend to in order to finalize this essay. The first, is the removal of the Hangul characters from your English character essay. That way you do not confuse the reader by the sudden appearance of the Hangul characters in the essay. Based on the requirements of the KGSP scholarship, you can either write this essay fully in Hangul or, you should write it solely in English. Since it is obvious that you are just trying to make an impression on the reviewer by using pidgin Korean, you will be doing harm to your application as you will not be appropriately highlighting your Hangul skills. Like I said, you have two choices, either go pure Hangul or pure English. I would go with the latter since you will be required to study Hangul for a full year before you are even admitted into the formal program anyway.

Next, no matter how difficult your life is in the U.S. you should never demean your mother country in any essay application. Specially in an essay meant for such a close ally of the United States on all fronts. The paragraph that contains that line can be edited to remove the downgrading reference to the United States but retain the "As a sociologist" statement as that is more interesting to read and really helps to close the essay on a strong note. I am only suggesting that you remove the demeaning statement towards the USA in the essay but you do not have to follow that advice if you don't want to. After all, this is your essay and it should appropriately represent your voice and sentiments.