Scholarship / Living the outstanding dream [3]

Mohamed, as a person applying for a government sponsored scholarship to the United States, it would be best if you do not politicize your application. Specially since it does not have a bearing on the UGrad scholarship considerations in general. You must also never assume that you are a perfect candidate by saying "I would be a great participant". The UGrad program promotes camaraderie and the improvement of international relations. Your essay doesn't focus on the core elements that should be presented which are:

1. What particular character and academic traits you have that you can share withe program participants.
2. What diversity means to you and how you can help to increase the diverse participation of students in the program.
3. What you hope to accomplish as a participant (in terms of introducing your culture and clarifying any misconceptions about your part of the world. Leave politics out of it).

3. What you hope to bring home with you at the end of the program that will help you continue to spread the good intentions of the UGrad program.

Write a new essay. One that is better suited to the core requirements or expectations of the candidates for review. Be less political and more of a unifying voice. Consider the diversity objectives of the program and work from there. Base the new essay on the guidelines above.

Writing Feedback / People today suffer from pressures different from that present in the past. Life is more stressful. [4]

Manar, this is not a single opinion essay. This is a comparative essay with a personal opinion discussion. So your approach to the discussion is wrong and will affect your final score. Due to your inability to properly discuss the prompt as required, your TA score will only be a 2. That means, that even with the proper consideration and improved scoring for the remaining 3 criteria, you will still not pass the test. The English comprehension section that the TA scores is approximately 50% of the overall score. Fail that and you will most likely not get a passing score no matter how hard you try. The reason is simple, you proved that you do not have the proper English understanding skills with which to be judged as a possible student candidate in the country. Here is where the mistake happened that affected your score:

Original Instruction: Discuss both these views and give your opinions.
Your response: I completely support the latter argument.

The reasons for the failing score should be more than evident to you based on the above presentation. Your total essay discussed only your point of view instead of both points of view prior to your own opinion. There should have been 3 body paragraphs here composed of :

Par. 2: First point of view
Par. 3: Second point of view
Par. 4: Personal opinion

That is not what you provided so it is more than likely that your essay will only get a final score of 2 since you barely responded to the task.

Writing Feedback / Today young people are better able to make decisions about their own lives? [5]

Vum, in an actual exam, the examiner would have taken one look at this essay and decided to give you a failing score. You would only get a 1 for this essay because it does not discuss anything in relation to the original prompt requirement. In fact, even your paraphrasing is not only inaccurate, but irrelevant. Look at the comparison below to understand why that happened:

Original Prompt:
Topic: In the past, young people depended too much on their parents to make decisions for them
Discussion Point: today young people are better able to make decisions about their own lives.
Discussion Instruction: Do you agree or disagree

Your Paraphrase:
Topic: In the ancient Chinese society, it really limited to develop and follow own mind due to traditional custom.
Discussion Point: The evolution of the world is quite rapidly, and the structure of society and lifestyle also change gradually, becoming more complex and more options.

Discussion Response: I firmly agree with this statement that young people become more independent and can do decisions by themselves.

What key element is missing in your discussion? Exactly. The topic is not about Chinese society and its traditions and customs in general. It is about the international concept of parents making decisions for their young offspring rather than allowing the maturing or adult offspring to decide for themselves. Your essay is nowhere near the requirements of the prompt in terms of topic or discussion. That is why it got a score of 1. Your answer was completely unrelated to the task provided.

Writing Feedback / Calories, protein - how much people need? Nutrient absorption in different parts of the world. [3]

Lin, your opening summary is incomplete. The various regions on the world should have been enumerated in the second sentence, along with the two types of protein that was consumed. Then the trending statement should have been added to the overview because that would have delivered an accurate outline for your discussion. As of now, the explanation / summary is incomplete and does not effectively inform the reader.

At the start of each paragraph, you must indicate what sort of chart you will be describing. This will be your topic sentence. So in presenting the first chart, you should have said "The Average Protein Intake per region indicates a degree of differences between countries..." and the second chart introduction would have been better stated as "The second chart indicates that the average intake of calories per country..."

There was no need for you to total the North American intake for the analysis. I always repeat to the students, repeat only the information found in the illustration. Do not make assumptions regarding information not present, unless that is a logical conclusion easily arrived at by a simple glance at the provided information. If you have to compute something, you will most likely make a mistake due to your unfamiliarity with the method by which the information was collected. So do not compute information. Just present the obvious measurements. India and East Africa had the same other protein intake, you did not mention that in your report. 13 and 18 should have been individual reports.

Writing Feedback / The international community should reduce or eliminate the debt of the world's poorest countries [5]

Chinky, based upon the work that you have done in this practice essay, I do not doubt that you will score somewhere between a 6 and 7 had this been an actual test scenario. I am highly impressed by the way that you create your opening statements. It shows a clear understanding of the topic provided and an even more impressive command of synonym usage in your statement. This is the portion of the test that actually boosted your score. Overall, you have shown that you are capable of using the English language in an advanced manner. While your grammar is not perfect in structure and usage in all instances, these do not create any confusion for the reader and you still deliver understandable paragraphs. You should be proud of the work that you did. This shows your potential to pass the test at a possible 9 band score. You must now focus on improving your grammar skills and sentence presentation. Practice using fill in the blank exercises that can be found online or through English grammar exercise apps. Once you manage to improve your grammar presentation, your scores in other aspects will also be sure to improve.

Writing Feedback / Should schools allocate the same amount of money to their sport activities as to their libraries? [4]

Ann, are you writing this essay for a TOEFL or IELTS test? You have to always tell us which test you are taking because the requirements for each type of test is different, although they share the same prompts. In this instance, I will assume that you are taking the IELTS test as that is the most current test that has been using this prompt lately. My reviews will then be based on the requirements for that test.

Your opening paraphrase begins an immediate discussion of the prompt provided. That is a prompt deviation because the opening paragraph is normally used to represent your ability to repeat a given statement in the English language. The assumption given is that the person reading the essay has no idea what the original prompt is about so you will have to explain it, in your own way to the reader. If I am not mistaken, the original prompt is:

Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Universities should give the same amount of money to their students' sport activities as they give to their university libraries.

Therefore, the proper repetition, in an original form for the above statement is:

Libraries tend to get a larger share of the university budget allocation. Some people believe that sports activities should get an equal share of this budget within the university expenses. I agree with this statement for several reasons.

The idea behind the first paragraph is to have the reader assume that you are properly translating the prompt into another version and that your version is reliable. The thing is, you are not selling your prompt to a blind reader. The examiner has a copy of the original prompt and will immediately be able to tell if you are properly accomplishing the task or not. That is why the paraphrasing of the original prompt is of the utmost importance.

In your essay, you saved you intention to agree with the balanced budget idea for the concluding paragraph. Your opinion is never placed at the concluding paragraph. That is always placed at the end of the opening paraphrase as a thesis statement for the discussion. Doing so means that you have not closed the essay but rather, continued the discussion, which is unacceptable in a properly formatted conclusion. The conclusion should only sum up the discussion points and reiterate the opinion provided earlier in the essay.

The body of your essay does a good job at discussing the prompt topic. The main problems that your essay has are at the beginning and end. So focus on improving the problem points. As per your English grammar, it is intermediate at best and should be able to help you get a decent LR and GRA score.

Scholarship / Remaining in the same company rather than job switching? [4]

Vishnu, your approach to the discussion is improper. The most significant improper presentation in your essay is the opening statement. You created your own prompt requirement with which to discuss the essay rather than discussing the essay based upon the original requirements. Look at the differences in approach which show the mistake on your part.

Discussion Instruction: Discuss both views and give your own opinion
Your Instruction: This can only be answered by weighing perks and detrimental effects on both sides.

There is the mistake. Rather than discussing both points of view as originally provided and then presenting your opinion, you chose to weigh the perks and detrimental effects instead. The difference in the discussion topics are as clear as night is different from day. Therefore, this essay will receive a failing mark in the Task accuracy portion of the test. Which will make it extremely difficult for you to pass the remaining 3 criteria in order to scrape a somewhat passing score together in the end. The correct prompt paraphrase?

There are some people who prefer to stay and work for the same company until they retire. Others, prefer to move from company to company because of the perceived benefits of doing so. In this essay, I will discuss the validity of each point of view before presenting my personal opinion on the matter.

Your opening paraphrase obviously does not follow the required format and formula for the presentation. Hence, the failing score in the TA section and lowered scores in the C&C sections.

Your second paragraph, should have been divided into to sections. The first is the discussion about why people might be more interested in changing jobs often. Then, your personal opinion would have been based on the story of your sister changing jobs. The reference to the "In house experienced first" lacks additional explanation in order to clarify its relation to the previous sentences. This sentence should have been presented before you said that your sister accepted the higher payment job offer. That way the reason for that statement is clearer and also connects better with the whole paragraph presentation.

Done in the aforementioned manner would have resulted in a properly formatted 3 body of paragraphs that represent a clear discussion of the two points of view and your personal opinion. At the moment, the format of the essay is confusing and not in accordance with the exam requirements.

Writing Feedback / The top performing sportsmen earn huge amount of money as compared to people in other professions [5]

Chinky, your opening paraphrase was spot on. It was perfect in presentation. The method by which you restated the prompt was totally different from the original, and yet, you were able to keep the message of the prompt that you were provided. You can expect to get high marks within your TA scoring considerations for this type of work.

You made a mistake in the opening sentence of the second paragraph though. You should have included a topic sentence at the beginning that made it clear that this was not yet your personal opinion but rather, the opinion of others. A simple reference to, "Sports managers and athletic fans believe that the professional participants in this sports should be overpaid as..." That way you signify that this is the first point of view, based on public opinion, that you are talking about. You did this successfully in the next paragraph. Another problem occurred when you wrote the personal opinion. You used an extremely long topic sentence instead of breaking it up into topic then discussion sentences. Remember, if you write less than 3 sentences, then the examiner will not consider it a complete paragraph and score you down in that portion of the test. The conclusion suffers from the same problem that can be rectified in the same manner.

Scholarship / How would this learning experience be transformative for you- Mastercard [3]

Kenechukwu , your response is nothing more than explanation of what the MA program is about. You speak of everything in the essence of an academic mission rather than a life altering and character developing period of time in your life. The prompt is not asking you to explain the essence of the MA course. What you are being asked to discuss here is the learning experience at the University of Edunburgh. What sort of student community does the university have? What kind of contributions do you hope to make during your time as a student to help others get to know you and vice versa? Aside from simply being a learning took, what kind of personal transformation do you hope to achieve alongside your academic transition? These are the questions that your response should be working on enlightening the reviewer about. Do not focus solely on the academic aspect. Consider the keywords in the prompt "continue to learn and develop as individuals". Therefore, the focus of the response must not be limited to the mere academic application. It must consider the all around aspect of the learning opportunities, both academic and social, while you are at the university.

Writing Feedback / Writing letters on a paper is obsolete nowadays? [6]

Tuan, your score for this essay will be failing. The reason? You did not accurately discuss the essay within the prompt parameters. Your opening statement was not a proper paraphrase, the discussion method was not in accordance with the discussion instruction, the list of mistakes in this essay go on and on. These problems all stemmed from the fact that you did not understand what the discussion instruction was. While you did understand what the topic for discussion is, the method of discussion is the more important factor in the scoring considerations. Due to the problematic paraphrase, the whole essay ended up not delivering on the required elements. The correct paraphrase is:

Modern communications now rely on technology rather than the primitive pen and paper style. That is what these days, it is believed that people no longer need to write letters. I am in total agreement with this statement for several reasons.

This is not a comparison essay but rather a single opinion essay. That is why your discussion method is unacceptable. You chose to do a discussion of both sides, without an actual presentation of a point of view coming from you. The proper discussion would have been a 3 body paragraph presenting only your point of view in the following manner:

Paragraph 2 - Extended personal opinion explanation (based on personal experience)
Paragraph 3- Supporting evidence presentation
Paragraph 4 - Example to support the evidence (additional personal experience or some other popular example)

Done in the proper manner, you could have gotten a pretty high score with this essay. You show a good grasp of English language usage. Unfortunately, that does not translate in an ability to understand English. You first need to be able to understand English before you can accurately discuss it. Maybe you just got confused as to how to discuss this essay. Maybe you will do better next time. I look forward to reading it.

Scholarship / CURRENT AND EMERGING ISSUES FACING NIGERIA - RELATION TO THE STUDY CHOICE [2]

Kenechukwu , in paragraph 3, you must expand upon the explanation regarding how you plan to boos the exportation quality of your "sub-standard" products. This is something that you should incorporate into paragraph 2 because the 2 topics connect and relate in terms of the forums, seminars, and events that you plan to implement. The reason for these activities should be based upon raising the sub par output of your factories and industries.

You can add the reference to becoming a Google Developer Expert in the final paragraph where you indicate a desire to join a global organization. Explain how becoming a Google Developer Expert will further help you to boost your plans and projects in your own country. Since you only have 232 words so far, you have a limited number of words with which to explain this. If you want to have a bigger word count for this part, then you will have to revise your opening paragraph to become shorter and incorporated into the 2nd paragraph so that the 2nd paragraph will become the opening statement instead.

Undergraduate / What is important to you? My freedom. [4]

Michell, this is a strong response that is only weakened by some wrong word choices. For instance, in the second paragraph, you cannot use the term "infant" because an infant does not have any concept of freedom. However, an "adolescent" would have a simple understanding of the term so I believe you should use that term instead. Then in paragraph 4, you should say "freedom is the most important THING we can have." Consider freedom an item of importance in this instance and refer to it as such otherwise the sentence doesn't make any sense. As for the opening paragraph. The reviewer may not be familiar with the book you have chosen to take a quote from. So rather than discussing it in a manner that implies the reviewer should be familiar with it, you can instead, use the quote as the hook of the essay. Open with the quote simply by saying:

We are not free to choose what happens to us, but free to respond to what happens to us in this or that way - Ethics for Amador

Then start the essay with:

"As an adolescent..."

Thus making the quote itself a direct and relevant part of your response. Sure your essay will not be exactly 250 words. You don't have to present the maximum anyway. Just something over the minimum will suffice. In this case, the lesser your words, the stronger your presentation will become.

Research Papers / The Connection Between Type 2 Diabetes, Obesity, and Insulin Resistance [2]

Rachel, are you writing this as a paper for your peers or a paper for lay people? The audience that will be reading this research should be the primary consideration of your opening statement. If this is a paper for fellow professionals, then the presentation is just fine. Although, I feel that a stronger introduction is required because, in a normal research paper, the first quote should not come until after the paragraph that explains the purpose and gives a simple definition of the illness as the basis of the upcoming discussions and reasoning.

This is a very well researched paper. However, I feel that it should open with the "How does insulin resistance happen?" because it reads like the actual definition, problem presentation, and thesis proposal in a highly accurate manner. Then this should be followed up by the story about Diabetesville because the story helps to illustrate the complicated explanation that the early part of the paper contains. In my point of view, this presentation will make the paper more engaging for both the regular people reading the paper and your peers. The rest of the paper, I believe, is very well researched and explained. It feels like I am reading a simple presentation during most instances, rather than a complicated and highly technical medical presentation. Your concluding statement is a strong finish to the paper and wraps up the discussion in an informed manner. I walked away from reading this paper more educated about T2D and IR.

Scholarship / Outline what you believe are particular challenges (eg. in the economy, education, healthcare, etc.) [5]

Owusu, you are trying to discuss 2 disconnected topics in this essay. I suggest that you focus only on how you can help to improve the life of people in Ghana as a Biochemist. Since you are not an education major, there is no sense in you discussing the plight of students and illiteracy in your country. Biochemistry is, from what I can tell, the main method by which you hope to help alleviate the life of farmers in your country. Therefore, the whole essay response should focus on that intention and nothing more. At this point, there is no need to address the Mastercard foundation directly in the final sentence. You have already explained how Biochemistry and your studies overseas will be able to make a difference in the life of the people in your country and, in a more direct manner, yourself. The connection of the Mastercard scholarship is already clear within the presentation you have made. It is already obvious from your presentation that education will play a vital role in the process of helping to improve the lot of Ghana as a country economically and educationally. So there is no need for separated discussion presentations of these topics. If you wish to discuss both, then you must try to merge the two topics in a manner that highlights your biochemistry education alone. The plight of the Ghanaian illiterates have no bearing on your desire for a college degree at this point. So you should not be confusing your essay with a presentation about that anymore. You are already an educated Ghanian and you are the focus of the essay, not the illiterate Ghanians.

Scholarship / Engaging with the network of Mastercard Foundation Scholars [3]

Ameh, the responses that you gave are pretty much run of the mill. There is nothing new and these are expected already of the alumni. That is why you have a difficult time creating a response. You have to think of other ways to stay engaged with the other scholarship graduates after you graduate. Think of alumni projects in your country that can help you engage the sponsored graduates in a manner of speaking. Your first sentence in this essay is unnecessary as you are merely repeating what the prompt topic is about. Start directly with a response. Use the unique method of keeping in touch with the members of the scholarship at the top of the essay and push the expected answers, that is, the current 2 paragraphs to the bottom of the page. That way you have more room to discuss a networking situation that will be of interest to the reviewer.

Graduate / I'm applying to top computer science MS programs hoping to study (and research) machine learning [4]

David, I am wondering about something. Why are all of your references academic in nature? Haven't you had any professional experience in the field yet? Normally, a person interested in taking an MS course has at least a 2 year professional experience backing his application. It creates a stronger sense of your abilities in terms of course preparation and advanced skills requirements. Everything that I have seen in this essay focuses solely on your undergraduate research accomplishments. I believe that you need to produce more than that in order to prove the basis if your preparation for the masters course. You need to at least prove that you have done 2 years of non college related research in order to enhance your application qualifications.

A deep interest in the field does not constitute a purpose for your desire to acquire a masters degree. Aside from continued learning, how else do you hope to use this masters course within your profession? That is the purpose that you need to highlight here. Simply saying that you want to learn more about the interesting field or you want to grow you understanding of the future applications of Machine Learning is not sufficient. You need to prove that you have a desire to further improve or contribute to the advancement of the field through a particular passion, research, or optimization of a specific set of current performance considerations of machines.

So far, your essay is just a lengthened resume of your college studies. It does not prove that you are capable of accomplishing the requirements and surviving the rigors of MS studies. About the name of the Stanford professor, do not include it. If the professor is not going to be supporting your application through a recommendation letter or personal endorsement of your application, mentioning the name of that person does not serve a purpose. It appears from what I have read that there is no such foundation for your mentioning this professor so it would be best to remove the reference altogether. Name dropping in this instance could hurt your application.

Undergraduate / UT Dallas College Essay for Admission and AES Scholarship [3]

@phnguyen0912, this is certainly a highly informative interest and talent combined essay. It shows that you have a leadership ability that comes from your love of the subject and eagerness to learn about the craft. These are all elements that portray you as a potentially viable student for the course. So I have no worries that this essay will accomplish the task that you set it out to accomplish. However, as per your question regarding the AES scholarship, you have to understand that although this essay might be considered as one of the documents for your freshman scholarship application, it is not the only consideration for the grant. Therefore, regardless of the strength of this essay, the granting of your scholarship will be based on other academic, volunteer, and internship factors as well. The stronger your foundation in the course, the better your chances of winning the grant.

Undergraduate / From Napoleon to Genes - diversity in thought [3]

Isabella, you have approached this essay from a highly academic angle. That is good. You have shown the reviewer that you have the ability to excel at a dazzling rate within the STEM curriculum you have chosen. I will not find any fault with that. It is tremendously good work. However, you have focused so much on proving your academic response that you failed to read in between the lines of the prompt. How can you take all of these academic influences and diverse STEM related thoughts that you have in order to help you become a productive member of the Caltech community? When does this academic enlightenment merge with your social goals / needs / accomplishments at the university? Where do you draw the line between academics and relaxation? Try to revise the essay in such a manner that your highly intricate, but diverse scientific and mathematical interests will translate into things that will help you become at ease with the Caltech student body. How can you use everything you have learned in STEM within a social setting? Explain how you can successfully combine the two in order to develop the strongest possible response that still holds on your love of academics while showing that you have a friendly and socially interested side as well.

Undergraduate / What factors have shaped me - influenced by surrounding people, especially by one boy; my first love [4]

Polina, your approach to this essay is not appropriate. You have made your boyfriend the center of your essay. That is the biggest mistake that you made. His influence should have been seen mostly in how you developed or changed as a person. You are the main character in the essay. The reviewer is not interested in who this boy is and what his character traits are. His interest is in how the presence and influence of this boy shaped who you are today. Who were you before you fell in love with this boy? What changes did his influence bring about in you? Why do you consider these changes within you important? Sell me on the idea that being in love with this boy for 3 years made you a person who is totally different from who you were 3 years ago. I don't see that in this essay. All I see is a young couple's love story and nothing more. This is a weak essay because you chose to tell it from the point of view of rose colored glasses. Instead of being nostalgic, you must be objective in your approach. What is the main influence he had on you? Why did you feel that you needed to change that for him? How did changing that part of you for him create a better version of you for your family, friends, and community? Justify the influence and love that he gave you in that manner.

Graduate / Motivation letter to Graduate School of East Asian Studies, Free Univ Berlin [3]

Wenjia , you need to have a stronger approach to your opening statement. Rather than saying you that you "want to become", it would be best to instead say "I am on my way to becoming". That indicates that your career path is on track towards your PhD ambition. This implies early on that you have both the academic and work experience to achieve your goals as a PhD student. Paragraphs 2 and 3 are best suited for inclusion in your SOP essay. I would like you remove that for use in that particular essay. For this motivation letter, give a one paragraph summary of what your dissertation topic will be about and why you feel that this topic is aligned with the courses being taught at the university. Do not speak of the courses in detail (save that for the SOP). Instead, use the motivation letter to explain what criteria led you to the steps of GEAS. What made you decide that the university was special among the others you could have chosen and why do you think your country does not have a university that can help you achieve the type of research your work requires? You can best represent the questions by discussing a summarized form of your career plans in relation to your university choice. Once you establish these information in a 4-5 paragraph essay your motivation letter will be complete.

Undergraduate / Syracuse University (SU) - Why Syracuse? Who-What? STUDENTS OF SUSTAINABILTY ORG. (250 W or less) [2]

Rowlie, the reference point for this essay should use the future tense of "will" since you have yet to become a part of the organization. Based upon what I have read of your response, it seems that you have the paragraphs improperly presented. You should be presenting the second paragraph first, then the current first paragraph last. That way, you open the response with an impressive presentation which then allows you to close the essay on a relevant note. Precisely explaining how this student organization at Syracuse heavily influenced your decision to seek admission to the university. Your choice of reference is very impressive. You also explain your decision with authority. It just requires some adjustment in the presentation in order to create a more memorable response for the reviewer. As far as I am concerned, the paragraph switch is all you have to do in order to perfect this essay.

Undergraduate / Colgate Supplement - 3 word description - "bold, humble and happy" (250 W or less) [3]

Rowlie, there are a number of problems with your response. The first is that you refer to "best friends", which is plural, when the prompt says "best friend", singular. So a simple change of reference will fix that problem. The three word description of how this person would describe you is acceptable. However, you failed to explain these character references in terms of why your friend describes you in that manner. The explanation must not come from a self reflection but rather, the way that this person came to know you and became your best friend. Don't use this essay to showcase how highly you think of yourself. It should instead, be reflective of why your best friend would think so highly of you, outside of what you think about yourself. That is why your essay is supposed to explain. Allow the reviewer to get to know you from the POV of your best friend. So you can approach this essay as an interview in order to help you give an opening to the thoughts of your friend about you. That is what this prompt expects you to provide.

Writing Feedback / A paragraph about "Causes of children obesity" [4]

Phan, this is a pretty good paragraph presentation. However, it suffers from confusing use of English vocabulary. Terms such as "bodily-discomfort diseases" do not make sense to the reader. It would be best if you explain what you mean by that. If you are just using the equivalent English terms for a native word, then you should not do that. Instead, you should find the more appropriate English version of the word to use. When you confuse the reader, you tend to lose them because they will stop reading what you have written as they dislike having to figure out what a writer is trying to say. You need to be accurate in your word usage. Also, do not refer to country specific information such as Zalo, which is not a popularly known type of social media across the world. The Facebook reference would have been enough to get your point across. The Zalo reference would once again, have left your reader wondering about what you are talking about. When something doesn't make sense to the reader, he will discard the written material, never to finish reading what you have written. If not for these two specific problem points, I would regard this essay as a well written, informative piece.

Undergraduate / The study plan to convince Canadian visa officer my application of study permit [2]

Tilly, a study plan needs to show more than just the interest that you have in studying in Canada. You have to convince the visa officer that your line of study is something that will truly be beneficial to you upon your return to your home country. What will the focus of your studies be? You need to prove to the reviewer that you have an imperative need to study Automobile Mechanics in Canada. What is the goal of your studies there? What do you hope to achieve in terms of research and internship opportunities? I am lost about your actual course here. Are you applying for a college degree or a masters degree? You need to make that clear in this essay. Additionally, you have to consider the focus of your academic training. What will you be focusing on during your studies and how do you hope to use that knowledge to help your career upon your return to Taiwan? There are just too many confusing and missing points for this letter to be effective. Hopefully, you can use my observations and questions to write a new and more appropriate Study Plan proposal for the visa officer.

Undergraduate / Ethics and Integrity - when it affects your family [4]

Isabella, you have not resolved this issue with your father. Therefore, this is a non-response to the essay prompt. Quoting the bible is not going to change the fact that you wrote a highly creative, but seriously flawed presentation. For starters, you said something about a family and a daughter with cancer then it disappeared in reference to the story you told. If it is not related and you were just using it as a hook, you failed to catch the reviewers attention because you just left him confused by your reference. The story that you chose to tell has deep seated issues that cannot be presented and resolved within the prompt word requirement. In fact, you have not resolved the issue so it does not apply to the prompt. The prompt specifically requires you to state an incident that questioned your ethics, honesty, and integrity in a manner that found a solution in the end. Therefore, the ending to your response is incorrect. It would be best if you think of another topic to write about that does not involve such a personal matter that has yet to be concluded. Go for either an integrity, honest, or ethics story. Pick one. Do not try to use all 3, you don't have to. The prompt doesn't require it. One will be more than sufficient or this tale.

Undergraduate / Fashion Institute Of Technology/FIT Fashion Business Management essay "evolution of fashion" [3]

Lisa, it would help if you tell me what kind of essay you are supposed to be writing. What exactly is the prompt asking you to discuss? Somehow, I feel that since this is for FIT, the essay should be revolving around the development of your interest in fashion, specifically Fashion Business Management. The majority of the essay seems to be focused on something else and then suddenly decides to connect to the fashion world towards the every end. Almost as if you had forgotten about the focus of the essay and you scrambled to fit it in before you met the maximum word count. You should be focusing on creating the connection as to how fashion helped you survive this problematic period. It should be a half and half presentation of 70% fashion, 30 % personal travails. This is the current opinion that I have of your current draft. It could change or expand depending upon the prompt you are responding to. Any chance you can provide that to me when you can?

Graduate / Personal statement to Brunel University. Engineering's resources and programs fit to my career goals [5]

ALameen, since this is a personal statement, you need to target a specific set of information to present to the reviewer. You have a good start because you truly showed the foundational development of your interest in construction management. However, the part about your interest in the specific courses offered by the MS course is best discussed in the statement of purpose because those are the reasons that you opted to study this particular masters degree. What you should be discussing in the personal statement are the reasons why you chose to enroll in this specific university. Show the reviewer that you considered other universities but, based upon your specific requirements, you opted to seek admission to this university instead. The goals discussion should also be part of the SOP. That means, there are 2 parts that you have to remove from this current version for replacement with your discussion of university choice criteria instead. That makes it a true personal statement and not a combination personal statement and statement of purpose.

Scholarship / The kind of leader I want to be. [2]

Ghana, here is the thing, you speak a lot of Angelina as a leader and philanthropist, but you fail to qualify your explanation with actual actions from the person you admire. When you say that you want to be a leader like her, then you must qualify that explanation with specific actions on her part. Look into her charitable work and role as a UN ambassador. What were her accomplishments that impressed you the most? Mention her specific projects and actions in the essay then relate that to the kind of leader you hope to become in the future. You do not have to keep mentioning her name. That creates an irritating redundancy in the essay that led to you going over the word count by 9 words. Focus on a parallel discussion as to the leadership examples of Angelina and why you think you have to be a leader like her in the future.

Scholarship / Addressing the problem of 21st century Pakistan. [3]

@ghana raza the first two paragraphs do not really help to move the essay forward. You must open your essay immediately with an engaging or enticing sentence that will catch the reviewers attention. That is why you need to open immediately with the discussion about Child Labor in Pakistan and how it has affected society. You discuss too much about Child Labor as a problem in Pakistan but you have not really discussed anything that portrays you as a young activist who has done something to help bring attention to this problem or help resolve it. As you are being asked to think in line with being a leader, you should not focus on what you can do about it as a professional. Rather, think about how you can be a youth leader and do something about the problem today. In fact, your essay will be better helped in addressing the last prompt requirement if you can prove or relate some actions that you have been taking to either call attention to the issue or help to ease the problem somehow in your amateur leadership capacity. Think of what you can do about it now, not in the future. That is too far away and the problem will be even worse by then. Present 2 lines of leadership in the essay. One as the young adult that you are now who hopes to change the situation and then again, as the future business leader that will adhere to "No child labor" policies. That will best enhance the essay towards the prompt requirements and expectations.

Writing Feedback / The graph provides an overview of the percentages of people whose age is 65 or more [4]

Dariela, when you provide a Task 1 essay for review, you must always include the illustration that you are discussing. I need to have a baseline reference for your statements and that comes with the illustration you are describing. Your opening statement seems to be in order. I cannot tell if there are any missing important elements because of the missing illustration. A word of advice though, you should always aim to write a uniform number of sentences per paragraph in order to meet the best requirements of the C&C scoring section. That means, at least 3 sentences per paragraph. Learn how to divide the information into 3 sentences by avoiding the use of commas and instead, place a period at strategic points in order to signify new, related information. That way, you avoid run on sentences and always stay on the path that could lead to more complex sentence development for an improved GRA score. Good work on placing the trending statement at the end as it serves as a unique closing statement. Bad work in the sense that you lack the minimum 3 sentence requirement for that part. If you had placed the trending sentence along with the overview summary, you would have gotten a better score for it.

Graduate / Interest is in the area of artificial intelligence, with machine learning and machine perception SOP [4]

Xuanyi, in response to your question, Data Mining and Artificial Intelligence exist in the same world, but they do not have the same function. One job takes the place of the other in order to complete a certain process. Let me be more specific. Data Mining collects the data that is required in a certain instance. This data must be analyzed and formatted into a usable presentation for others to use. This is where Artificial Intelligence comes in. The A.I. in this instance will be software used to make sense of the data collected, in a manner useful for the purpose that the data was collected. Therefore, they are a related science but they are as different as night and day in function. I think it would be best if you focus the essay on Artificial Intelligence as that is the main reason you want to attend graduate studies. The problem, is that you seem to be more focused on the data mining part of the procedure instead. Therefore, you will be looking at a career change and as such, much explain why in your statement of purpose. Everything that you have discussed here relates to Data Mining and not A.I. You may need to make a decision here. Either change your masters course to something related to Data Mining Analytics or, indicate a career change to A.I. and then defend the purpose by proving you have the proper background to shift to this field of interest in order to further your career.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay Task 2. English as a global language. Advantages overweight the disadvantages? 250words [5]

Dariela, you totally misunderstood the prompt requirement. This is an "emotional" essay response. Note the existence of the word "extent" in the discussion instruction line. That means you must agree or disagree with the essay using any of the following "emotional" connotations: strongly, partially, totally, and any other variation thereof that signifies a measurement of agreement/disagreement. Your opening prompt is also an immediate discussion of the prompt, which, as you should know by now, is not allowed because the opening statement is always used to deliver an example of how well you understood the prompt and its requirements. Therefore, the correct prompt is:

There is a discussion regarding the proliferation of English as an international form of speech. Worldwide, people believe that English will continue to grow in importance. This is going to continue to prove that its advantages will constantly negate its disadvantages. I partially disagree with this statement due to several reasons.

Please take note of how my version is more aligned with the original prompt statement when compared to yours. Rather than speaking of the spread of the English language per se, you are discussing the language in a spoken form, spreading across the world. That is not the implication of the original prompt so you should not have slanted your opening statement in that manner.

Your concluding statement is part of the personal opinion discussion. You continue to discuss the prompt in that paragraph so you should have not led in with "To conclude". A conclusion never presents additional discussion points and reasons. It merely wraps up the essay. Your essay has 2 problem points as of now that I tried my best to point out to you and explain how to resolve it. Hopefully, you can apply the corrections to your next practice test. I am eager to read it.

Undergraduate / Describe any of your previous experiences in Film Production [5]

@s890217, what is the word maximum requirement on this paper? I am asking about that because you were asked to write a personal statement essay, which should have been at 250 words long at the most. This paper does not accurately represent the development of your interest in film making, the foundation of your abilities. This is the essay where to get to brag about your achievements as an amateur film maker. Even if it is only an experience taking videos of your pet dog burying his favorite bone. Let the reviewer know that you have been preparing for this career your whole life by indicating that you attended some seminars or training programs for enthusiasts. Describe how your interests grew from the influence of these activities and learning groups Simply joining the drama club and working on a group movie isn't going to impress the reviewer. He needs to see an individualized focus on the development of this interest through your own experience as say, an amateur documentary film maker. Be individualized in your treatment of this discussion. Group participation will not impress the reviewer because of the set up of the system. By the way, never end any sentence in an academic paper with an exclamation point. Don't shout at the reader. Just discuss. Always close with a period.

Graduate / My goal is researching in the area of demanding automotive sector using machine learning techniques [4]

@bs900004 you have written a motivation letter / personal statement instead of a statement of purpose. Set this aside for use under a more appropriate essay requirement. This is well written and will serve as a very good motivation letter, with edits, when required. As of now, you will have to develop a new essay that will better reflect the requirements of a statement of purpose. Think of the statement of purpose as an extended version of the motivation letter, only with a different focus.

The statement of purpose should represent your academic and professional training that will help you to advance as a student in this course. Proving that you have the background in relation to the masters course is only the first requirement of this essay. So make sure that you dazzle the reviewer with your academic accomplishments and professional abilities. Both of which should combine to prove that you will be more than capable student when enrolled in the course.

Make sure that your professional presentation will help you better illustrate the purpose of your interest in this course. Talk about your line of work and what frustrates you about it. Or maybe, what you want to improve in the performance of these tasks. Explain how you see yourself making a difference in the workplace in about 5 years based upon what you learn from this course. Set out your career goals in a manner that shows how the course will help you gain an edge within the profession or in your office in the future.

Assure the reviewer that you have done careful research regarding your university choices. Enlighten him about what you feel sets this course, taught at this university, apart from the others. What do you think makes this university special? Consider the opportunities available to the graduate students in the discussion in order to prove your points regarding the development of your theoretical and practical skills in this field.

Close by assuring the reviewer that you are enthused about attending this university during the upcoming semester and that you are confident that based upon your presentation, you are a more than qualified candidate for an available graduate student slot.

Writing Feedback / We should make factories and other forms of industry pay for all the pollution that they have caused [3]

Chinky, the opening paraphrase that you presented is strong and impressive. However, you need to remain within the prompt requirements and indicate that this is not your sentiment. You cannot begin your discussion in the opening paraphrase portion. That is why your opening paraphrase is wrong in presentation. You must always indicate the original discussion by referencing it in your paraphrase. Hence;

It is said that industries are the major sources of air and water pollution. That is why there is a proposal that, in order to protect nature, these corporations should be held responsible for their actions. That means, having them pay for the impurities that they release into our environment. I am in strong agreement with this proposal for a number of reasons.

This type of presentation will increase your TA score and boost the rest of your scoring considerations in the process. I will not fault your body of paragraphs because those are highly effective in presentation and shows a clear grasp of the prompt topic, its discussion process, and your ability to use the English language in accomplishing those requirements.

I would like to point out though that this is an academic paper and as such, you must never be caught using the term "etc." which means "and so on and so forth" because that shows a non academic sentence development. Additionally, you need to double check your punctuation marks because you have a double period after the "etc" part. Small mistakes like that will greatly decrease your GRA scores. Be very careful presentation wise. Never lose the academic tone and presentation format.

Graduate / Essay for Erasmus program specializing in environment and innovation. [2]

Alavy, you are complicating the essay far more than you have to. Why can't you just respond to the prompt requirements in the order it is presented? That is how the reviewer expects to read the information in the essay. You don't need to tell such a lengthy backstory, you just have to directly respond to the prompt questions in a discussion form. You actually have the proper responses to the prompt within this essay, you just need to bring these up to the front and remove the unnecessary parts so that the reviewer can get through reading your essay without having to wade through information that he doesn't need. Having to sift through unwanted information will normally result in your application being immediately rejected because you have not proven that you can follow simple instructions. So, you should simply outline your responses to the prompt as follows:

What do you want to achieve in the next 10 years of professional career?
- When I look into the vision of the next 10 years of my professional career...

How do you plan to achieve these objectives?
- My professional and academic background has led me...

How do you r previous activities contribute to this plan?
- You have not properly responded to this prompt in your current version.

How do you think that the X program will contribute to your plan?
- The diverse range of faculty and a chance to find mentors and likeminded ...
Note: Develop a more appropriate response using the aforementioned portion of the paragraph.

Why should we accept you to the X program?
- No proper response in your essay. Indicate any academic accomplishments and professional recognition you have achieved thus far. These will represent the reasons why you should be accepted into the program. Proving you have the academic and professional foundation to achieve success in the program always gives the most appropriate response to this question.

Writing Feedback / Different opinions regarding weather children should be taught to be competitive or cooperative [5]

Ehsan, , since you have a prompt deviation in the essay, I need to score you on a per criteria basis instead of an overall projection. You created a prompt deviation in your opening paragraph and then proceeded to support that deviation in the body of paragraphs, which led to the failing score. You were asked to discuss both points of view prior to giving your opinion. What you did in this essay was discuss only your point of view of the two discussion sides. That meant your essay only partially responded to the prompt requirement. The original requirement was for you to discuss both points of view and then your personal opinion. Therefore, your scores will be as follows:

TA - 4 - due to the prompt deviation that created only a partial response to the prompt. You have an improper prompt representation. The correct presentation is:

There are people who believe that a healthy sense of competition is important to develop in children. While others thing that cooperation is more beneficial because it will create a responsible young person in the future. In this essay, I will discuss these two points of view prior to the discussion of my opinion on the topic in the later part of the essay.

C&C - 6 - you have an engaging presentation that uses relevant and related information. You clearly connected your ideas in each paragraph.
LR - 6 - Your word usage is impressive as it uses some less common English words and is used in the proper context.
GRA - 6 - Your sentence structures are higher than average in presentation. However, there are some mistakes in the development that create a little stress for the reader.

I scored your essay on an individual criteria basis and that resulted in a higher score for the other parts of the essay while you failed the TA portion. In the actual test, I am not sure how the examiner will score you based on more intricate scoring considerations per criteria. So my scores should be taken only on an individual basis instead of collectively. Had you not made a mistake in the prompt presentation and actual discussion, I bet you would have gotten an impressive collective score.

Writing Feedback / A significant fall in the proportion of production of energy from coal in four European countries [4]

Ade, you forgot to provide the original prompt with the presentation. I cannot accurately assist you with further learning if you do not provide me with the basis of your writing. The prompt is what will point out the problem areas of your writing to me so that I can help you address them for increased scoring considerations. Let me offer you some general pointers instead.

For the summary overview, you need to remember only one thing. You have to describe the chart data sources in detail to the reader. Why do you have to do that? The Task 1 essay will test your ability to describe and analyze information in a manner that will make the report understandable to the person who will be reading it. Why do you need to present precise information? The idea is that the reader will not have a copy of the illustration that you were given. As such, you need to make the reader as informed as possible regarding the content of the chart. No information with specifics at this point. Just a summary of the content of the graph. That includes:

1. The type of image provided and topic of the measurement
2. The type of measurement used
3. The specific basis of the measurement (countries, gender, etc.)
4. The trend of the chart
5. The instructions for the discussion

That outline gives you the first 5 sentences for the first paragraph of your essay. It also provides you with the outline that you can follow for the body presentation. The outline is a requirement for the exam taker so that you will be providing the reader with a list of the upcoming discussions, per paragraph. Thus making it easier for the reader to scan and understand your analysis of the data.

Be consistent in the presentation of your paragraphs. A critically analyzed image can be provided within a maximum of 5 sentences in as little as 4 paragraphs. Do not present less than 4 fully developed paragraphs so that you can maximize your overall scoring potential. At the moment. you are not doing that. I only see an overview presentation of the obvious information from the chart but not a critical analysis of critical overlapping points. Look for small details that can make your essay stand out in order to prove your ability to properly develop an analytical essay.

Undergraduate / My interest in engineering started at an early age; Texas A&M Engineering Admission Essay [3]

tobiadio, this response is highly curt and barely responds to the prompt questions. You must work on lengthening your responses because your explanations need to tie in the reasons you gave with supporting evidence. If your interest started at an early age, then explain when you first came into contact with your father's work. Explain how he encouraged you to try simple engineering feats that further fueled your passion for this course of study. I do not really read so much of an explanation as to how he influenced you in order to contribute to your goals so you really need to work on developing that father-son bond over Engineering that you imply exists in your first paragraph. There is also no reference to your academic and career goals within the essay. So hope that what you have written is only a draft and not a final copy. If you were truly interested in Engineering as a major and career for yourself, then this should have been the longest part of your response. Instead, I get crickets. Silence, in reference to your academic and career goals. You presented an implied interest in the field but no true academic course of interest nor career projection for after you graduate. You will need to think long and hard about that part of the essay response. That is even more important in presentation than how your father influenced you to become an engineer.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL independent writing prompt: kids are obsessed with video games and that causes health problems [4]

@yooceii, your essay will not pass the test in an actual setting for a serious number of reasons. The first, is your lack of academic writing abilities. You reflect a lack of English academic writing skill as you do not follow the proper writing technique for this sort of essay. In fact, any paper that you write in English must have the first word of every sentence, and every noun thereafter, written in capital form. This is done to indicate the start of a new sentence or a new paragraph. You are not writing a tweet or instagram update here so you must follow the formal writing norms, rules, and regulations upon which you are being scored. Additionally, you need to write a uniform number of sentences within each of the 5 paragraphs. That means, you need to show the reviewer that you can coherently express yourself within 305 sentence per paragraph. Anything longer than that will result in a lower score or, in an actual time crunch setting, a failure for you to complete the essay within the given time frame. Go for short but sweet. Be informative, but not wordy. Just speak of one reason per paragraph in a clear manner in order to represent your English skills. I cannot comment on the way that you developed the discussion because you did not offer the complete and original prompt at the start, which the basic requirement for all essays posted here for review. I can review your content if you remember to post the given prompt during your next round of practice tests.