Writing Feedback / The topic describe positive side when living in city - opportunities, career, raising children, etc. [4]

Kieu, it is difficult to begin to assess your essay as you did not signify if this is for a research paper, a normal essay, or an English exam essay. Next time, please indicate what sort of reason you wrote the essay for so that you can be advised accordingly. Right now, I can spot some pretty obvious problems with your sentence development that I need to point out to you.

Your grammar is faulty in the sense that you have an effective use of verbs, but you do not include subjects in the sentence so your presentations do not have any substance or meaning to it. When you only have descriptions for the actions (verb), but you do not have a reason for it (subject), then the sentence presentation becomes confusing and, if you are taking an English test, ends up giving you a very bad score in relation to grammar skills.

Try to be cognizant of grammar rules at all times. That means, double check your presentations for capitalization issues and punctuation use. In the second paragraph, you kicked it off with a lower case starting topic sentence. Bad move. All first words in a sentence are always capitalized. That is a basic English writing rule.

Next, your paragraphs, for English tests, regardless of the kind, it has to have a minimum of 3 sentences to qualify as a completely developed paragraph that can explain itself in a proper manner. You are inconsistent in your presentations throughout the essay. Also, in English test writing, you are not allowed to pose a question to the reader because, unlike in an English research paper where you are allowed to pose a question and an answer because you are not hindered by sentence maximum limitations.

A concluding paragraph must always summarize your discussions. In this instance though, it did not do that and it even closed with a question. That makes is unsuitable as an English exam essay closing presentation.

Writing Feedback / Is government responsible for child obesity? The positive intervention would be beneficial. [9]

Ainur, I cannot just focus on your grammar. Here at EF I pride myself in helping students develop their overall writing skills and aid in the preparation and passing of exams. I have helped countless students pass their tests because they listen to reason and logic. They want to pass and they ask for proper help to pass. You are asking me to just focus on your grammar problems, when you have a tremendously bigger problem than that which prevents me from accurately assisting you. So you will not see proper improvement in your overall requirements.

Before you can be assisted in improving your grammar, you first need to know which type of test you are taking in and focus on that. You are not even capable of formatting the essay in a proper manner for any of the tests at the moment so focusing on your grammar, when you cannot even write the correct essay will be useless. Decide on your test format first (IELTS or TOEFL) and then I will work on teaching you the proper essay format for the test. After that, I can make suggestions as to how you can best present your essay and along with it, improve your grammar as part of the advisement scenario.

Since you do not want to hear any messages about how wrong your formatting, and in the process, the content of your essay is, which will guarantee that you fail any of the English tests you plan on taking, you need not worry. I am not one to do a disservice to the users of this forum. Since you do not want to get proper help for your essay writing as you want to focus only on grammar, I will not participate in your threads anymore. I refuse to help you with only your grammar corrections because your problem is with content and presentation. If you cannot see that, then you cannot expect to pass any test and I will not be a party to your failure.

Scholarship / Abilities of mine allow interaction with people and have earned me a diverse and versatile network [3]

Laila, aside from organizing seminars and events, were there no instances when you had to use your contacts within a real context? Meaning, can you explain how these contacts have helped you and your organization beyond just being speakers at your seminars? The fact that you got them to speak at your organization does not qualify these as networking events. Most of these speakers are actually paid a Speaker's Fee to attend and speak a these events. That is what disqualifies the majority of the content of your essay as being a true networking action. If you notice, none of these speakers actually had a direct contribution to your organization in a manner that would have the Chevening committee believe in their ability to assist you in developing your career and also, improving the Chevening network.

You should also not consider name dropping all of these people as part of your network. While it looks good on paper, seeing all those impressive names and saying they are part of your "inner circle", the truth of the matter is they are not part of the "inner circle". They can only be called that if all of these people have written recommendation letters for your application. You need only 2 of these people to write a recommendation letter for you. Did you accomplish that for any of them? If none of them did it, then you cannot claim them as named contacts in your paper. They will not be ready for the potential of a verification interview from Chevening and if they are not even going to remember your name, your application will be jeopardized as it will appear that you included fake information in your application.

Scholarship / Return to Egypt to apply insights, knowledge and experience gained from the MSc degree [2]

Abdelrahman , your essay does not respond to the Chevening post study / career plan requirements at all. The prompt requirement that you should respond to is as follows:

Chevening is looking for individuals who have a clear post-study career plan. Outline your immediate plans upon returning home and your longer term career goals, considering how these relate to UK priorities in your country.

Did you not receive a copy of this prompt or did you choose to disregard it? Using the essay above for your application would have meant an instance elimination of your application. It would have been removed from the running because your answer proves that you do not understand the English language and you are incapable of responding properly to any English instructions. Which means you will be a failure as a masters degree student in the UK.

It is imperative that you take note of the prompt I provided to you. Write a new essay that best reflects the prompt requirements, particularly the UK interests in your country aspect as without that, your application will be cancelled as well. Refer to the Post Study / Career Plan essay presentations in this forum for your guidance and further information as to how to improve your presentation.

Writing Feedback / The cheap air flight should be banned because it pollutes the air and brings many other problems [2]

@hanhhnhii your opening paraphrase is inaccurate and does not apply to the original prompt. Your sentence number per paragraph is inconsistent. Sometimes you have the minimum 3 sentence requirement, most of the time though, you don't. You also discussed your personal opinion in the closing statement which runs counter to the expected information in that paragraph. These are the main problems with your response.

Here's a sample of a more accurate paraphrase and opening statements for the body paragraphs:

A number of air travelers are appreciative of low priced airfare because of the freedom to travel that it gives. There are those who oppose this point of view though. They say that budget flights need to be permanently restricted because of the environmental problems, such as pollution, that it brings. This essay will discuss both points of view prior to the statement of my opinion towards the end of the essay.

Those who support the economy flights do so because of the freedom it gives them. For example....

However, some people, such as environmentalists, believe that these discounted fares result in increased air pollution and other problems such as... That is why they believe these flights should be banned.

My opinion, is that these flights...

Therefore...

Following the format for the discussion above, you should be able to properly discuss the essay in a manner that can garner you a higher final score.

Scholarship / Chevening, Networking - The spider spins its web [4]

Yeski, if you remove the opening paragraph, the rest of the essay paragraphs will fall under the Chevening networking requirement already. Your relationship with your student's parents cannot be considered a network because that does not involve an exchange of influences within your profession. You can safely remove that paragraph and instead, just bring up the remaining discussions in the essay. By the way, unless the presidents of TEFLIN is giving you a recommendation letter, it is best not to mention her name in this essay. Any name you provide should be connected to a person willing to undergo a verification interview (if required). If you haven't cleared the use of the name of a person through a recommendation letter, it is best to skip it. The essay will ready to use once you make the indicated adjustments.

Scholarship / My leadership potentials and capabilities with good influence skills [5]

Mai, based upon this leadership and influencing presentation, you are not qualified for the scholarship as all you can provide are academic project based leadership skills. In order for this essay to be highly effective, it should focus on your professional skills in leadership and influencing alone. It should not have any mention of elementary, high school, and college days. Most specially, it should not mention your father at all. The story that your essay tells must be focused only on your highly specialized leadership skills and influencing abilities within your professional capacity. As of now, this whole essay could be read by the reviewer, but it will not have a serious consideration due to the amateur presentations you have. Remember, the other applicants are actual politicians, government leaders, and trail blazing executives in their fields of expertise. Those are the applicants you are up against. That is why your essay is not going to be able to compete. Chevening has made it clear, they are looking for the leaders and influencers of tomorrow and that starts within your professional level. If you do not have at least 2 years work experience (as that is the minimum requirement for work experience among masters students which is why Chevening uses it as a baseline for their qualifications) in a leadership role, I sincerely doubt that you can meet the minimum requirements for a Chevening leadership and influencing essay. Do your best to develop a new essay based solely on your current job. Look for instances of command responsibility and use that information for the essay.

Scholarship / I have always demonstrated a high level of leadership in both academic and professional life [3]

Marwa, in actuality, this is more of a networking essay than a leadership and influencing essay. Look at what you wrote about, you had to contact various groups and people in order to get participants for your event. Therefore, you networked more than you led and influenced people. A leadership and influencing essay focuses more on your professional leadership within the workplace and has very little to do with preparing events because you are not an writing a "how to plan an event" essay. You want to prove leadership and influencing skills instead. So you should develop a totally new essay that focuses on your leadership duties within the workplace and how you manage the team in an influential manner that always leads to a positive outcome for the professional goals.

Scholarship / Conquer the access to untapped resources by connecting with people. Chevening Network Question [6]

Walter, a proper networking essay indicates the method by which you develop organizational and personal networks that run in relation to your profession. Networking with parents regarding helping their child does not qualify as a networking skill but does qualify as an influencing trait so maybe yo can use that in your leadership and influencing essay as an example instead.

The Mopeia project is also not conforming to the requirements of the prompt. You told us how the network worked for you, but you did not qualify how it was created and maintained so that it was in place when you needed to use it. Nothing in the essay exemplifies a real networking skill and examples on your end. I strongly urge you to read the examples of networking essays here and revise your essay in a manner that makes it more similar to the Chevening requirement.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 Essay - The birth rate begin to fall and the population is aging [8]

Nisa, in an IELTS Task 2 essay, unless you are writing a direct question essay, you are expected to first present an explanation of your understanding of the prompt requirements in the opening statement. It is only after that that you can discuss the response to the questions you were provided. Therefore:

The next half century will see the slow decline of the childbirth in first world countries. A third of the popular should be of the international retirement age of 65 or more in these specific countries. This essay will discuss projections of problems that such a situation might bring if the information provided becomes a reality. Regardless of whether it happens or not, it is important that safeguards against the potential problems be put into place this early in the timeline.

The next 2 bodies of paragraph should discuss, on an individual topic basis, one potential problem that will arise, then the potential solution that should be set into motion this early. The last paragraph should be the conclusion as this essay is the kind that can be completed within 4 paragraphs instead of 5.

Good work on the conclusion though. The summary and paraphrasing of the discussion is right on target.

Research Papers / Fake News in Financial Literacy [2]

Hi Gilbert, as I came to the end of the paper, I started to wonder where the fake news with regards to financial literacy would come in. From the looks of it, it appears that you tried to sensationalize the title of your paper in order to reel in the reader. You were able to successfully do that. However, when it comes to actually presenting evidence to support your title, the disconnection of the title to the content of the paper becomes evident. You may want to rethink the title of your paper to make it more relevant to the illiteracy in finance of some people. As far as the content is concerned, it tended to get monotonous because you seemed to over discuss certain aspects to the point where it starts to go around in circles. You have to review the paper for redundant information specially at the start of the research presentation. Focus on trying to present new information in every paragraph instead of interconnected discussions of the same topic. The biggest worry you have with a 10 page paper is not the content at this point, but reader boredom, since it is very difficult to fill 10 pages with new information at least twice in every page.

Scholarship / Receiving the Chevening scholarship would enable me to nurture existing networks [3]

Leophil, in a networking essay, you have to show the reviewer that you have a professional network outside of the bank. Your network within the banking system that you work for is a given. Since that is an automatic network that comes with your profession, it does not qualify as an important network that helps in the accomplishments of other tasks within your work jurisdiction. It would be better if you focus the essay on the network that you created when you took the previous masters degree. Explain why this network is important to you. What sort of other positions or organizations are a member of this network? How have they been useful to your current line of work? How have you helped them in exchange? Would you say that the original network you created with your classmates has grown due to referrals? What kind of referrals were these and how did they help in the promotion of your career growth? These are the elements of a successful networking essay that should be contained in your networking essay.

Writing Feedback / [task 2] Some people believe that it is a good idea to continue to work at their old age [4]

Gang, I am impressed by your network. These essay prompts are normally as heavily guarded as the US president. How did you manage to get a copy of an active question from the testing center? Don't answer that. I don't really need to know. As always, I expect nothing lower than a score of 8 from you. The only thing really holding you back from that elusive 9 is the fluency problem and wrong use of collocations at times. For this essay, I want to focus on the mistakes that gave away the fact that you are not an ENL or English Native Language Speaker yet in terms of discussion development skills.

... the potential risk of healthy problems...
- ... risk of HEALTH problems

...robust health at their old age...
- ... health IN their...

their occupation too - because it...
This is just the serious weak...

Your concluding paragraph is strong but missing one element. Can you tell what it is? You forgot to reiterate your strong disagreement with the statement in the end. That's alright the concluding paragraph was already an acceptable conclusion anyway.

Research Papers / Memorizing TV - ROUGH DRAFT RESEARCH ESSAY [2]

Caylin, the essay needs a more definite thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph. As a reader, I was left unclear about what to expect in the upcoming discussions as there was no information as to what the coverage of the research presentation will be. Additionally, please do not refer to the TV as "a vital part of the average human" because is not a part of the biological system of a person. The more proper reference would perhaps be "Television is a vital part of human life."

There is also an inconsistency in the way that you present your in-text citations and paraphrased information. Sometimes you have a proper reference indicated within the text, but most of the time you don't. Anytime you refer to the work of someone else, it is always best to create an in-text citation for it in order to avoid plagiarism questions upon the submission of the essay.

Provided you can apply the necessary changes to the essay, I believe that this will be an informative essay that can get a decent score from your teacher.

Scholarship / Two experiences that related with my profession as a lecturer in Satya Wacana Christian University [3]

Giovania , of the two leadership experiences, I believe that you should go with the strongest one that has a clearer reference to your leadership and influencing skills. I would like you further develop the focus of the essay on the method by which you led the development of Little Hope Indonesia. As I reviewed the essay, I found that you opened with the weaker representation of your skills so that the reviewer may lose interest in your presentation. It would be best if you don't present that to the reviewer and instead, focus on the stronger representation. I truly believe the LHI reference has the strongest depiction of influencing skills as well because of the student who started his own program based on your template. That is real evidence of the influence that you had on your volunteers. In this instance, it was alright for you to say that the volunteers were dwindling because you also indicated that you are leading the pack in terms of recruiting replacement volunteers. Make this one adjustment and I assure you, the essay will be stronger for it.

Scholarship / Chevening Scholarship - Studying in the UK question - MSC Social Policy (research) [4]

Francisca, what have you written here? Didn't you take the time to read the instructions for the Study in UK prompt? That prompt indicates:

Outline why you have selected your chosen three university courses, and explain how this relates to your previous academic or professional experience and your plans for the future.

I cannot tell you how big of a failure this mistake in your essay presentation is. Wait, I can. Had you not come to us to ask for help and you had submitted this essay on your own, you would have submitted an essay that would have decidedly disqualified you from the screening process. The Chevening committee is very specific about having the applicants only information that is required by the prompt. So in this instance, you did not provide a discussion about your academic and professional background in relation to 3 university and course choices from the UK. Hence, you would have found yourself receiving a "we regret to inform you" letter. All because of the mistake in your prompt presentation. You have to delete this total essay and then research the universities you want to enroll in with a specific course in mind. Read the other samples here to figure out how to best present your 3 choices in your own essay.

Scholarship / I need an MBA that has both traditional and practical approach to learning. I chose my universities. [6]

Ellora, one of the requirements of these Chevening essays is that you are not supposed to repeat information that you have already indicated in previous essays. Therefore, your having 13 years work experience is a redundancy that must be removed, along with the reference to your being a graduate of computer science. However, you can indicate that you had awards and recognition during your academic time which proves that you have the background and the ability to complete any of the course requirements for the 3 courses, whichever one you enroll in. You may then start another paragraph about ""Ever since I started working..." which will end with the listing of your 3 universities.

Remove all reference to the location of universities and obviously common information such as "unparalleled links with international business" or "constantly ranked in global ranking tables..." and "builds on the track record of..." Those are just word fillers that do not accomplish anything with regards to explaining how any of these courses will contribute to your future career goals in terms of job applicability and what sort of academic and professional foundation you have which will ensure a successful year of masters study for each course.

The addition of the more important information will require you to write a shorter and more appropriate closing statement. Right now, you should delete the parts I mentioned, including the closing statement, work on adding the necessary data, and then develop a more appropriate closing statement.

Scholarship / How my network expanded in just 17 months! Chevening Networking Essay [3]

Marzia,you indicated that you were sent twice to Malaysia, please represent the individual times you were sent separately because the current format makes it appear like you mistakenly said twice when you only went there once for an extended stay. Always be precised in the information that you provide. Any mistakes in information presentation could cost your grant consideration. As far as I am concerned, that is the only aspect of this networking essay that needs to be edited for content and presentation. Everything else is strong and indicative of a usable professional network should Chevening decide to give you a scholarship. Then again, there are the Post Study plans considerations that could make or break your application. So you need to make sure that you present all of the information at its strongest. Specially the information that may need to be double checked by the reviewer such as your visit to Malaysia and the purpose for your visit there, along with who you interacted with during those two visits.

Writing Feedback / Essay: television influence on people's behaviour. The effect is negligible. [2]

Ainur, dial it back a bit. Are you writing a practice essay for TOEFL or are you just writing for the practice of it. You should have told us what this essay is meant for. That way I would know how to properly assess your essay. Different essay requirements require different analysis. A TOEFL essay is different from IELTS, which is different from a research paper, which is different from a narrative essay, and the list goes on and on. So right now, I am blind, so to speak, when it comes to assessing your current work.

It is highly informative and really delivers some pretty interesting points of view coming out of your end. However, I sense that some information comes from quoted text, which means it should have in-text citations in the presentation otherwise it will be considered plagiarism on the part of the writer. This is a solid essay but I am not sure if it in the proper format that it was developed for. I suggest that the next time you write an extended essay such as this, that you provide us with definite instructions so we can review your essay on a better scale. I need to know the exam type and the prompt included for English tests or the assignment instructions for research papers and academic class essays.

Scholarship / It was a eureka moment when my research led me to business systems analysis. The 3 chosen courses. [2]

Bilha, try to expand on your academic background a little bit more. You could discuss your GPA in relevant courses or you could present any academic achievements that will highlight the fact that you are an academically inclined student who will most likely accomplish the course in an impressive manner.

Your course choices 1 and 2 lacks a career application explanation. While it will equip you with certain information and skills, the prompt requires you to present a direct link to a career path with each choice. In all all 3 choices, you have not distinguished how your college courses have prepared you with an academic foundation for each course. An MS course will always have a college subject equivalent, so you need to present that. Choices 1 and 3 lack a professional foundation as indicated in the prompt requirements as well.

Graduate / A Personal Statement about the argumentation for applying for Mechanical Engineering Thesis Program. [3]

Kareem, since this is a personal statement, it doesn't need to be this long. There are only a number of paragraphs in this essay that are necessary for you to complete the personal statement. Since you asked for help in improving the presentation, you should use only the following paragraphs from this version: paragraphs 2,5, 6. Develop more information in paragraph 6 regarding your choice of university. Right now, that is the weakest part of the personal statement. What are your personal reasons for choosing this university aside from the obvious information taken from the websites and YT? This is only a personal statement so only a representation of your interest in mechanical engineering from the post college level should be discussed in summary form. You can try to insert more information about the development of your interest in the masters course based upon your current work experience. Another bit of information might be what this essay needs to boost the interest level in it. The reason your essay will be so short is because this is just a personal statement. The extended discussions are always in the motivational letter and and Statement of Purpose essays. As to your question about thesis and non-thesis applicability, you may or may not use this personal statement depending upon the instructions that will be given to you. If no specific instructions are given, then you can use this essay for it.

Graduate / My aim is to become a professional researcher with focus on Development Economics and inequalities [3]

Alessandro, this is not an SOP. It appears to me that you combined the influences of a personal statement, a motivational letter, and a SOP in this essay. This is perhaps because you were confused by the various formats that you read about online. In actuality, the SOP for a PhD is the same as the SOP for a masters course application. Therefore, the same format applies to your essay only at a higher level of presentation.

Par. 1: Relate how your career has improved or changed since you completed your masters course. What is your status now in the workplace? Are your current skills, after taking the masters course still adequate for your job? If not, what parts of the job are troubling you at the moment? Are / is this / these problem/s the reason you feel you now need a PhD? What is the driving force that pushes you towards the need to fulfill a PhD requirement?

Par. 2: Talk a little bit about your masters course and how it affected your job performance. How do you hope to enhance your skills with the PhD? As an international researcher, what additional skills do you feel you require that will help you to surpass your masters degree training?

Par. 3: Think about your masters thesis. Would this successfully translate and transform into a dissertation proposal? A PhD dissertation is usually a continuation of the masters thesis so you may need to think about what you want to say in the summary presentation that will connect the two research projects. Indicate a summary of the new research you hope to complete during your PhD studies.

Par. 4: What are your career goals after you complete your PhD studies?

Par. 5: How does the choice of a specific university come full circle to bring all of these concerns into one course curriculum that you feel will be the perfect course for you to study, based upon the given information?

Respond to these questions and you will have a more appropriate PhD SOP to present with your application.

Graduate / A General SOP for MS in Computer Science [3]

Rundong, you did not really write a statement of purpose. It isn't a personal statement either. In fact, I am not sure what you wrote here. The only thing I am sure of is that this cannot be used for a SOP. You need to develop a new essay that better delivers the SOP requirements. It is really very simple to write. It shouldn't take you more than 750 words at the most. Let me outline the format for you:

Par. 1: Discuss what kind of work you are doing in at the moment. How would you judge your abilities in this department? Would you say that your work in this area is adequate? Or are you facing some skills related problems at the moment? Why do you feel that this advanced education will resolve the problems you are currently faced with at the office?

Par. 2: Explain your academic background. Indicate any awards and achievements you might have had. Decipher and present what the shortcomings were in the theoretical knowledge you gained at the university. Then add information about how specific seminars and training from your company helped you make up for the missing parts of your education.

Par. 3: Deliver information as to how the MS in CS will benefit the movement of your career. What sort of plans do you have for your career? Why are you very sure that this MS will move your career forward?

Par. 4: In relation to Par. 3, you should try to find a commonality between your college thesis and your upcoming masters thesis. If you can connect the two, then your advanced training will have a purpose. Make sure that your new thesis will be applicable to your workplace as well in order to strengthen the importance of the project and its relevance to your occupation.

Par. 5: Based upon the information in Par. 4, you may now explain how your chosen university falls into the plans. Explain how you plan to benefit from what the university has to offer the MS students. Focus on specific classes that you feel should be the center of your curriculum or professors whom you hope to learn from and perhaps, intern with towards the end of your classes.

That is all you should present in the SOP. These guidelines should also help you answer the questions you posed above for yourself.

Scholarship / Chevening Networking Essay - physician using network to help patients and to develop professionally [3]

Attika, if you want the reviewer to believe that you were the journal manager for a international medical journal, you will need to mention the name of the magazine and your inclusive start and end dates for verification. Information as precise as this will always be fact checked for validity. When it comes to networking references that are specific to organizations, publications, or associations, you must always name them with dates of interaction. That will allow the reviewer to make sure that your network references actually exist on an official level. As for the portion about treating a patient without a dermatologist in your area, try to shorten it. The description of the illness need not be so detailed because the focus should be on how your network was able to help alleviate the patient's illness. So far, you have good references but you need to work on tightening and correcting the presentations per paragraph.

Scholarship / Effective decisions I made in our firm privided me trust from the management to run my team [5]

Sara, this is not a leadership and influencing essay. You just wrote a job description for your jobs in paragraph form. This is not a an essay that falls within the requirements of the prompt so you cannot use this essay. Instead, you have to write a new one that does not sound like a job application but rather, an informative essay that does the following:

1. Define what leadership and influencing means to you.
2. Gives a proper example of your leadership skill in relation to your people skills and management.
3. Allows you to deliver a sample of how your leadership abilities allow you to influence your subordinates in such a manner that highlights how they respect you as a leader, which is why they allow you to influence them.

4. Explain why you think you will become better trained as leader and influencer in your company upon your return.

You have to present a clear depiction of your leadership in such a manner that shows your potential to be a respectable leader. Your influencing skills need to be beyond just teaching them how to use a computer. Do not talk down about your subordinates in the essay by saying they are of a low education. A real leader can lead anyone without considering the abilities of a person due to educational handicaps. That was not very nice of you to say in this essay. Show respect for your subordinates when you talk about them. If you don't then you obviously are not a real leader who knows how to respect the people you are assigned to lead.

Graduate / LLM Labour Law and Corporate Governance at University of Bristol - Personal Statement [3]

Pooja, when you are asked why you chose a particular course, the reviewer will not be impressed when you say that you chose the course based on the university website and student testimonials. That sounds like you are ordering food off a fast food menu. That is a highly unprofessional reference. Remove that and replace it with academic reasons. The reviewer also knows the capacity of his teaching team and the reputation of his university, so that can't be another reason to choose this course at this university. Go deeper into the teaching staff and pick some professors who may have fueled your desire to enroll in this course for the opportunity to learn from them. The location of the university should be the worst reason to choose the course as well. You are going to school, not taking a tour. Nobody cares if the scenery is one of the best in the world. That does not relate to the course choice considerations which are central to this essay. The rest of the information you present is for a statement of purpose and does not directly relate to a specific career plan that is driving you to enroll in this course. I am afraid you need to write a totally new essay. One that focuses solely on your future career plans and how getting this advanced degree will assist you in achieving that plan. More importantly, you need to discuss how the university faculty and facilities will be pivotal in your future training. That is what this "Why did you choose this course?" essay should contain.

Writing Feedback / The question about protecting all wild animals or not [3]

Zhou, as far as this essay is concerned, I cannot review it for applicable content due to the missing prompt. You are required to always post the prompt along with your response. Without that, all you can get from me is a generalized comment as to your format and development issues.

The first problem of your essay is connected to the missing prompt requirement. You offer a one liner as your opening statement. Definitely the best way to fail this test. You must offer up a concrete restatement of the prompt / topic for discussion as provided to you. This means, you need to convince the examiner that you really understood what the discussion is about and how you are to discuss it. Accomplish this in at least 3 sentences, as most opening statements normally require only that number of sentences to get the summary across.

Next, you group together 3 discussion topics in one paragraph. Another major failure on the part of the writer. The Cohesiveness and Coherence of your essay depends upon your ability to form complete paragraphs based on single topics per paragraph. Right now, you have given us an overview of reasons but you have not fully explained these reasons to the reader so these reasons become invalid. Without a proper paragraph presentation for each one, you are not capable of fully justifying each reference that you have made. That is why the paragraph ruling is in place for this test.

Your conclusion is still short by one sentence to meet the appropriate minimum requirement. You need to practice summarizing your essay discussions for your closing paragraph. The requirement for the closing paragraph is the same as the opening statement only with the addition of the discussion points this time around.

Research Papers / A critique of my English Research Essay on Pretrial Release (Criminal Justice) [3]

Nicholas, this is a highly interesting piece of work. I found though that is lacked enough introductory information at the beginning that could have helped the reader get a better idea of what a pretrial release is. It would have helped if you mentioned early on that a pretrial release is also known as bail. Or, if the two terms are different, then the different meanings should have been shared. I also feel like there was a wasted opportunity when it came to presenting the history of pretrial release. You mentioned the Middle Ages in England having a similar system in place, so an early history of the term should have been presented as part of the introduction. I also feel like there is no clear thesis statement at the end of the opening paragraph, or even the second paragraph that would have created the direction for the research to be presented in the essay. Now, factual information aside, you really need to review this research paper for proper spelling and grammar usage. An example of this problem is when you keep changing from "fourth" to "forth" and a reference to "past" when you meant "passed". Overall though, this is still a highly intelligent piece of work that shows an in-depth research into a term that I believe, is part of your future college inclinations. Good job.

Scholarship / Meeting with different peoples had enabled me to see things from different points of view [7]

No. That did not strengthen the essay. In fact, it was negligible in the presentation. In that presentation, you said the software was for your students. So you still "took" but did not give to the network. You also "took" from the professor but you did not "give" him anything in exchange. That is not the way the network works. It is a give and take relationship in most instances. Your essay is all about taking but you never truly or clearly offered something to your network in exchange. The essay is not really strong because of the lack of proper networking skills representation. You always took but never shared with your network. You helped your students, you did not help your network. At every turn, you asked of your network or took for personal gain from the network, but never explained how you gave back to the network, which is what Chevening expects from its graduates. Don't worry though, I will not insist on having you change your essay. Use this version. Though not completely representative of the prompt expectations in my opinion, what matters is that you are happy with what you are submitting.

Scholarship / Chevening Leadership Essay - A physician leading a team to save a life [5]

Attika, this essay is not totally a leadership and influencing essay because you referred to uncertainty on your part. A true leader does not second guess herself. A true leader never feels uncertain. A true leader takes charge without a second thought. Unfortunately, that is not consistently presented in your essay. Possibly because you are trying to serve up one too many "stories" at the same time. Why don't you try focusing more on explaining how you developed your leadership and influencing skill instead? Only this time, do it with an air of confidence in your writing and a strong example that shows you taking charge and influencing the nurses instead. The way it looks, the nurses don't really consider you a leader and neither were you able to influence them into respecting you as their leader since they wanted to call the GP instead of simply taking their cues from their "leader and influencer". Try to make a more solid representation as the essay at the moment badly needs development.

Writing Feedback / Upraising e-books, good or bad? Adv vs disadv essay. [4]

Not a bad piece of essay writing CJ. You were able to depict the paraphrased statement in a manner that, although a bit confusing at first, the reader ends up eventually understanding. It did not cause too much stress for the reader. Your approach was appropriate and the message was there although a bit hard to find at first. I have to remind you though of the grammar writing rules with regards to connecting words such as "because". A connecting word cannot be used to start a sentence because there is no previous thought process to connect within the next sentence. Therefore, all connecting words cannot be used to start a sentence. Your paragraphs are highly informative and shows off your analytical skills. The essay is a very good presentation coming from someone who was not this well equipped a few days ago. Keep up the good work, you are well on your way to total improvement in terms of your writing skills.

Scholarship / Chevening 2018/19 - CAREER PLAN QUESTION - Business Analytics and the Digital Economy [5]

Mohd, the only part of this essay that needs to be better developed is the part about the UK supported project in your country. While the Chevening network can help you achieve the goals that you set for yourself in relation to the project, the main requirement for this is that you actually try to help promote the project in your country. So you may want to consider volunteering, joining, or seeking employment in the UK agency in charge of promoting this project. The overall essay is great. It is interesting and hits all of the marks. If you can improve the UK reference, the essay will become stronger. While your long term plan is impressive, you should also indicate your mid range, 5 year plan as well. The 2050 plan sounds more like something that will require additional studies on your part so you may want to refer to rejoining Chevening in the future as a doctorate student since they do offer fellowship scholarships. That just might be a nice touch to close the essay on as well.

Scholarship / My experience while working on coal fired steam power plant have improved my problem solving skills [3]

Mufthi, none of the essays I have read from you for Chevening so far has a solid chance of being considered. They are extremely weak in presentation and discussion development. Your current essay does not have a discussion development nor outline presentation that can help you to interest the reviewer. You have to focus on 2 elements for your essay. One paragraph for the leadership explanation, so limit yourself to only the most impressive leadership skill that you can present, and one for influencing, which currently is not very well represented in your essay (if at all). You need to develop a more convincing presentation for your essay. It is too timid and does not really portray you with the leadership and influencing abilities that could compete with the more experienced and confident sounding essays from the other applicants. You could miss out on the opportunity simply because your essay was not presented in a strong enough manner. You need to exude more confidence in the leadership part and compassion in your influencing claim, once you make it.

Scholarship / My network will be expanded from my Chevening experience and those worldwide connections [3]

Mufthi, you wrote 275 words and somehow, I do not feel like you delivered a justified networking experience. Perhaps, this is because your first paragraph is very confusing. Did you mean to say that you helped other power plants other than your own? You need to clarify that because I don't understand how the reference to "benefit both sides" fits into the scenario you described. Your second paragraph combines 2 different discussions in one paragraph. Separate the discussion. A paragraph must have only one topic presented, not two. The reviewer will lose track of the first discussion and just remember the second one, so split it up. This doesn't come across as a very strong essay because the networking foundation isn't really impressive nor strong. Can you try to write a totally new essay that has a more confident sounding explanation? Try to strengthen the presentation in some way. Maybe add more information or explain how the network helped you out of a difficult situation. I can't put my finger on it at the moment but I am sure something is missing in this essay. Maybe it will appear clearly to me after you revise the essay.

Scholarship / Meeting with different peoples had enabled me to see things from different points of view [7]

There is a missing element from this essay. I feel like there is too much "take" on your part from those who are a part of your network but you are not really giving them anything back in exchange for all the help they provide you and your students. Haven't the members of your network asked for your help in some way? Why don't you represent one paragraph in reference to that so that the essay will feel more balanced. It will help to justify your statement in the concluding paragraph about your being willing to share your network and engage the newcomers to the scholarship. Provide the "give and take" example in your essay in order to strengthen that concluding claim. This is already a strong essay that is only lacking an enhancement here and there. The additional paragraph should help you better highlight your networking skills in this paper.

Writing Feedback / The less you use internet, the more you feel happy in life. Ielts writing topic [5]

@Huonglypham since this is the first time you have written a task 2 essay, I can understand how and why you made these mistakes in your writing. The first thing you have to learn is that the essay requires you to represent what you understood of the provided discussion by presenting the original prompt in your own words in the first paragraph. This is called a paraphrase and the score for this section is tied in to your Task Accuracy score. The one thing you cannot do is discuss the essay immediately in this paragraph like you did now. This should have looked as follows:

The past ten years have allowed the internet to seriously change the way people live. These changes have not always been positive but people still consider the effects of the internet as more of an asset than a liability. In this essay, I will be discussing my own point of view regarding the effect of the internet on the lives of people.

With regards to the body paragraphs, you really need to learn how to discuss only one topic per paragraph because you will be scored heavily on the Coherence and Cohesiveness of your paragraph presentation. You should be able to defend each reason that you provide (within one paragraph each for a total of 3 paragraphs) completely within 5 sentences. That is why you cannot more than one reason in each section. That is why your essay became hard to understand and follow as well. Added to the problem is that fact that you did not really state an opinion of your own in the first paragraph. So there is a missing "ownership" in the discussion. As such, rather than an opinion paper focusing on one discussion, you developed a comparative essay. So you ended up changing the prompt discussion. When something like that happens, the tendency of the examiner will be automatically fail your essay.

Here's what you can do to help yourself improve in writing the task 2 essay. Read the work of the other students here. They have all received advice as to how to improve their discussions and presentations so I am sure that you will learn from their threads. You can apply what you learn from them in your succeeding essays.

Scholarship / I choose the courses in U.K. which are really relevant to my academic background and my future plan. [5]

bism, the essay is suffering from a lack of foundational discussion. You represent the goals and objectives of your desire for your advanced academic degree which is good. However, you do not have the mandatory 2 paragraphs that represent your academic background and then your actual professional background in relation to the objectives statement that you provided. Your university discussions also lack a reference as to how the courses you have chosen will have a direct impact on your career goals. How will these courses end up making you promotion material when you return to work? Your discussion needs to go beyond the interests. You should veer towards the applications in your profession as well. Make sure that you can also mention the method by which your current position at the office has given you the required experience to pass the course based upon work related references.

Scholarship / Personal statement for MSC Health Science. This is my first time writting an SOP [4]

@tuannguyen6772 a personal statement is not written in the form of a partial creative narrative. Rather, it is written in a formal academic style that indicates a specific set of information. The personal statement for an MS course requires you to simply explain how your interest in this course progressed ever since you graduated as a college student. A summarized presentation of your career progression that led to your current position will help to establish the importance of your career development. Your current influences that have opened your eyes to the need for higher education can be mentioned slightly as well as that is discussed at length in the SOP. What is lacking is the explanation of why you think that studying in the Netherlands is the best fit for you. In particular, why the university that you want to enroll in? What do you look forward to about studying at that university? These are the basic elements represented in the personal statement. What you have is not a personal statement. It is more of an open topic narrative discussion. Needless to say, a new essay is in order.

Writing Feedback / If you could give money to only one type of charitable organization, which one would you choose? [3]

Behzab, your discussion is faulty from the very beginning because you have chosen to represent several charities in your essay instead of only one as required by the prompt. The essay would have actually been better off in presentation if you had chosen one cause, like the need to support a soup kitchen due to people who lack access to food. The soup kitchen is where people can go to have a free meal once a day, which is sometimes the only food that these people get. Then you could have developed your discussion from there. So you could have said "If I were to support a charity in need it would the Salvation Army food kitchen. The Salvation Army food kitchen provides free food to 150 homeless people a day. They need more donations because...". Such a focused presentation, of the name of the charity, the function of the charity, and the reasons that they require the donation is what this essay discussion requires. One charity, several reasons why you want to support them. That is how you approach this type of direct question essay.

Writing Feedback / Broadcasting manipulation to promote clothes, fashion advertisements is a prevailing trend [4]

@hanhhnhii since this is a task 2 essay, the opening statement is reserved for the opening paraphrase. It is not to be used for the immediate discussion of the essay topic. You need to first, introduce the reader to the topic and the discussion instructions because the assumption is that the reader has no access to the original prompt requirement and as such, you will need to explain it in your own words for their understanding. The paraphrase is:

People are often motivated to buy consumer goods through advertising. This presents some problems for the buyers. This essay will present some of the problems that the persuasive advertisements pose for the consumers. After which, suggestions as to how to avoid or solve these problems will be given.

Since your opinion is not being asked for in the original prompt, you should not kick off the body of paragraphs with "In my opinion". Use only public references in the discussion as that is what is required in this essay. If your opinion were needed, the original prompt would have said so.

All of your discussions only present a reason and an example, but no supporting statements to strengthen the claims in the paragraph. This is because you are using the 2 reason discussion instead of the more appropriate single reason presentation. Thus, your C&C score will be tremendously low.

Your essay should have at least 4 fully developed paragraphs, including the conclusion which summarizes the discussion. Your concluding statement should be at least 3 sentences long. You have 1 extremely short presentation, this will cause points deductions in your GRA and C&C scores.