Book Reports / The Pearl Johnsteinbeck (thesis statement) [9]

Yes, that point Sean made is an example of what a good thesis statement for this story might be: a clear assertion that you make about the book...

Writing Feedback / Essay about a car incident [6]

Here is something I missed... this is a run-on sentence unless you change to a semi-colon:

Suddenly I felt the impact; it was the strongest impact I have ever felt in my life.

As for how to continue the story... it's best to create some conflict for tension, so that the reader wants some resolution to the tension. I don't know how long it is supposed to be, but as you continue you can write a paragraph to surprise the reader with a problem that needs to be resolved and then go on to provide a resolution.

I went next to her and stared at her for a short amount of time, examining her for injures. There were just minor injuries. I got in her bed and slept next to her.

Undergraduate / Short answer for CommonApp (the Art of Observing) [5]

Here is an idea for the first part; only use it if you like it:

Observation is the art I hope to master. Its simplified meaning, simple looking, is an awkward shallowness, whereas true observation requires progress over the course of a lifetime.

For the rest of it, it is great poetry! If I were the admissions person, I would like it, but some of them might say, "This is a nice poem, but we didn't ask for a poem." I believe that you can turn this into a powerful essay by separating the sentences and working them into the paragraphs of an essay: attention-grabbing intro with thesis statement; brilliant elaboration and support for your central idea, and an insightful, reflective conclusion. You can keep every sentence of this, but work it into an essay!

Undergraduate / Marines mean Business - it provides wealth of unique experiences and leadership opportunities [19]

I am excited to have the opportunity to use my tenacity and creative problem solving and apply it in the business environment. I believe an education at Illinois' distinguished College of Business will equip me with all the necessary groundwork to fulfill my ambition of becoming a consummate leader in the business world.

What do you think of separating it like this?

Undergraduate / My commonapplication "The Picture" [7]

My father never hesitates to challenge me-to treat his loved ones...

This prescription, essential to my parents' definition of manhood, is not just about my own individual fate, though they have literally done everything in their power to keep me on the track toward pursuing my dreams.

You need a period at the end of the second paragraph, but WOW!! You are a great writer!

Good Luck

:)

Undergraduate / Marines mean Business - it provides wealth of unique experiences and leadership opportunities [19]

One example in particular was triggered by a conversation I had with a customer who complained about how package deliveries came during work hours and couldn't be left in the condo's lobby area for liability reasons.

The Corps taught me to focus on placing a premium on the people who do the work rather than constantly obsessing over the bottom line. I take pride in being an exceptional manager by implementing this philosophy.

Much better! I made a few suggestions here, but it looks great.

good luck
:)

Undergraduate / I have always prided myself on my ability to make delicious rojak - U of Wisconsin [7]

You should consider leaving out the whole first paragraph, and add one line to the beginning of the second paragraph to start, for example, "I have always prided myself on my ability to make delicious rojak."

Not only blending different ingredients into one , but creating the chemistry between them is also required to make a delicious rojak.

As a Chinese Malaysian,...second paragraph should begin here.

Sharing my cultural perspectives and personal opinions, I am looking forward to contributing a different flavor into their journeys of life during my time at the University of Wisconsin.

With tolerance and understanding, I will be a "rojak ingredient" that enriches the campus of the University of Wisconsin intellectually, personally , culturally and socially.

I think you need something more focused or personal for the U of Texas essay. What are your educational goals, some great thing about you. You don't want your essay to seem generic or off topic, they might think you send the same one to all the schools!

:)

Writing Feedback / Essay about a car incident [6]

At first, I was thinking the sentences were to short, or choppy. Then I noticed they gave the essay a sense of urgency, which works here.

I went into a deep daydream , thinking about my trip to the mall tomorrow.

My mother tried to stop our car as fast as she could but her legfoot slipped from the brake pedal and it was too late.

I lifted my head to look up and saw my mother, she was conscious but she could not move.

The next thing that I remember is that I woke up in my bed, and the first thing on my mind was my mother. I rushed out of my room and went to her bed room and found her sleeping in her bed. I was relieved and happy, my heart was relaxed and I started breathing normally again.

This is an interesting essay, you are a good writer!

:)

Undergraduate / Admission Essay: Transfer student short essay. [3]

I can contribute to the community by preparing myself well to be the best student I can be.
This would sound better if you say, "I can contribute to the community by being the best student I can possibly be". Like you already ARE a great student!

Gaining an extensive understanding of my major, International Business, will give me the knowledgeable tools to accommodate and commit to my small business in the future.

In addition, I want to contribute to clubs such as the Black Student Alliance and others. This would sound way more powerful if you name one more club or activity.

This would happen for the rest of my season, and I started to lose interest for the sport until I got my first hit on the last inning of the season.

For the most part, the essay is great. I just found a few glitches.

good luck!

Undergraduate / Gettysburg Supplement essay? [4]

You must be able to remember a situation in which you set a good example that someone followed, or stuck up for the "underdog" perhaps? Maybe you delivered newspapers and were especially nice to the elderly people on your route?

Were you involved in any clubs or activities that helped people, like boy scouts?
I say, feel free to embellish!

:)

Undergraduate / "Junior Reporter" - commonapp short answer - it's too long [5]

Hi!
This is well written and interesting! You explained it all very well and don't seem to have anything in there you don't need.

good luck

:)

Graduate / Personal Essay - MFA Film school [9]

It sounds to me like whatever school you end up attending will be lucky to have you. Sean's right, the essay does work well, it's interesting, to the point, and says a lot about you.

Oh yeah, and Faith No More and the Chili Peppers f###ing rock!

Good luck!

Undergraduate / The Struggles of Being An Albanian Female, admission essay [4]

I would graduate high school, get married to someone they chose , and start a family.

This essay is great, interesting and well written.

Good luck in school!

:)

Writing Feedback / Essay on different customs between the US and Korea [3]

Sean is right, this is a list of cultural differences. I know you aren't finished with it, but what is the point you're trying to make, how does this relate to you? Do you have any personal anecdotes pertaining to the differences in culture?

In Korea, however, people usually bow to each other.

Also, In addition, there are many differences between the US and Korean eating customs .

First of all, Koreans eat rice and hot soup with five or six side dishes for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Americans , on the other hand, usually have simple meals like bread and fast food for breakfast and lunch and eat meat or ___ for dinner.

Koreans go somewhere else or turn away to blow their noses.

Blowing a nose is politermore polite in the US.

They use polite expressions to the elderly or someone who is older than them.

:)

Undergraduate / "A Thinking Person" - Law School Personal Statement [7]

I entered the 8th Bernard C. Kissel Student Speaker Competition in March of 2007 .

I embrace working with students who learn from their mistakes and I confess; I learn from their mistakes as well.

What I do understand is how vital that knowledge is in order to be effective in the role of advocate.

I am equally certain my destiny is to spend the rest of my life dealing with problems and finding real solutions.

Good essay!

Writing Feedback / Feedback on the "Sound and the Fury" Passage analysis [6]

By saying, "the book cannot be judged by its cover", Dilsey is misjudged about her observative appearance of the reverend.
This is unclear to me, do you mean to say she felt she had misjudged him,that her first impression of the reverend had been wrong?

Seeing that a small figured man that seems to be judged as a physically un-intimidating figure is misleading? by his appearance in being a representative of a higher figure such as Jesus Christ.

This in return enables his image towards an authoritative , in being appointed towards a high point of belief, the Christian ideal of the perfect preacher.

She explains how " He seed the power and the glory." , the truth beyond the ordinary human perception of God .

:)

Undergraduate / I like to consider myself as a fledgling learning how to fly. USC transfer - me against the world [7]

You can get the conclusion to feel complete by tweaking your thesis sentence. Right now the thesis seems to be, "I had a very premature understanding of independence when I first tried to live on my own." Let's change the focus of the essay to be on your learning experience, which is what you describe in the last paragraph:

...It was a tough choice. After getting rejected by the school of my dreams , I chose not to attend any other colleges and to start over -- on my own. I had been living with my mom during high school, and my dad was back in Korea. When I decided to take another shot at USC, I made the decision to live on my own. My dad, going into his mid 50s, needed my mom more than I did. It all seemed simple to me at first. I knew how to feed myself, I had a job, and I had a goal - what else did I need to worry about? I had a very premature understanding of independence. Now write a sentence that introduces the idea of surmounting the adversity you faced, and then move on to paragraph 2.

Graduate / Homeless situation - personal statement [10]

I don't know of anyone particularly, with this background, but the thing is, it really is a huge accomplishment. The reason some people look down on those of us whose backgrounds are humble is that they indulge in taking pride, illogically, in their lofty backgrounds and established family names, etc. It's a simple process to understand: people born into comfort want to feel proud, just like everyone wants to feel proud, so historically the upper class has sometimes looked down on the lower class because of a slip of the mind, a bit of self-deception. You can't take pride in having been born into an established family unless you pretend that it is a virtue, and so you have to also pretend that people born into the lower class somehow lack virtue.

The people who read this essay are likely to be above such a lack of self-awareness.

If you want to be sure not to be judged harshly, though, make sure to write a brilliant essay! :)

Undergraduate / UMich Essay: Discuss an Issue of Local Concern ("The British are coming!") [7]

The number agreement is nicer if you change like this: The newest means of public transportation consists of "dollar vans."

Awesome! This is improved, complex, interesting. I like it!!

Undergraduate / Photography- spontaneity - supplement essay [4]

How about like this:
Armed with a black-cover camera equipped with suitable lenses and a backpack full of extra rolls of camera reel, I am prepared to set off on my self-designed, citywide tour in search of the best natural shots as I pursue my most long-standing interest. photography .

And maybe it would be cool to not even have "photography" at the end of that sentence, because it is obvious.

You write very well!!!

Undergraduate / The Economics is my favorite subject and I'm interested in CO-OP Management program - Short essays [10]

However, I admit that I make some minor errors in grammar and punctuation.
You don't need the "s" at the end of punctuation.

I can adjust my verbal presentation according to the age and background of the people . my audience might sound better.

I think you might need just one more sentence at the end to sum it all up.

Good luck :)

Writing Feedback / "Living Through Death" - Jimmy; personal essay [4]

Wow, this is a strong essay. I was all choked up by the second paragraph, you did a great job with it. You are an excellent writer, and I couldn't find any grammatical errors.

good luck in school.

:)

Undergraduate / essay for fsu (the freshman basketball team and more) [6]

I was on the freshman basketball team my freshman year of high school ,which took a lot of effort and dedication.

There are many physical attributes that you need to exceed in the sport. do you mean "excel?"

I was already tall so basketball came easy, but for a year of experience I found out that I couldn't exceed very well without the practice and the dedication. of this activity.

:)

Undergraduate / U of Texas, Austin Topic A (every stage of my life) [9]

This is great, but I think it would be much stronger if you start it with the second paragraph. Try reading it from there, and see what you think.

For example, I oiled the axles of my toy car and there I had successfully increased the car's speed. Toys were not just toys for me, but often vehicles of learning. This is awesome! Good writing!

To prepare myself adequately for the engineering course, I received a well-rounded education including studies in sciences and humanities.

Then, it will be time for me to contribute to society.

Then, I will fully devote myself to achieving them.

It is very interesting that you have to work for the government upon your return home, and that seems like a good system!

Good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / Suggestions for commonapp personal essay-a dot in the sky [4]

This was a great and unique idea for an essay! Your opening sentence was an attention grabber, and first paragraph summed up your subject. Here are a few grammatical fixes, and you should redo the last paragraph, perhaps "These nights will remain etched in my memory for as long as I live"? Also, the last two sentences should be tightened up some, as they are not clear and focused.

Every night the moon makes its tireless and resolute trip across the sky without complaint, and I can't tolerate just cleaning my room.

Coupled with the spirit of competition and the beautiful feeling of sharing it with my family, I cannot think of a more undeniable experience than moon-spotting.

This is not the right word here. (above)

The hint of a superior chuckle begins deep in my chest. I am the champion of this game and I am confident that I will be the first to see the moon tonight.

This is so great!! (above)

:)

Research Papers / Six Sigma applications, Challanges and Issues in telecom Sector [6]

Yes, Google Scholar will do well for you, and questia.com is an excellent resource that provides a free trial (I think).

What class readings were given? Or perhaps this is a research project, in which case questia is extremely valuable.

Essays / a comparative essay between any two things [12]

My best friend's bedroom is very ornate and modren . room . As I walk through the door, the warmth of the green and pink walls entrap into a web of love.

Yes, that compare and contrast essay needs to be made meaningful in some way. You need to draw a conclusion, or speculate about how those similarities and differences affect your friendship, or consider the implications of these sets of similarities and differences.

Undergraduate / Commonapp Essay (an inestimable lesson) [5]

It was a rainy Saturday night four years ago when I reached an important turning-point in my life.

All I was supposed to do was solve unchallenging math problems and...

I happily sat down at a computer and enjoyed the steaming cup of tea.

Try to say things with fewer words, so the phrases can be succinct and powerful:
Later, I would find out later that that night that an urgent meeting really had taken place, making my father unable to pick me up.

Extremely worried, even afraid that I had been abducted, he ...

So, about the title, we just need to make each title unique, so decide on any title you like for this essay... perhaps Common Ap. Essay (an inestimable lesson)?

Thanks for the post! This is an entertaining and meaningful story. It would be better if you could connect the experience directly to your intended major or life goals (even if those may change). I think this essay will get a good response from the admissions people.

Undergraduate / Sports Psychology/BEd Concurrent Program Essay [3]

first-hand

My reasons for participating in sports , I believe, reflect the character and determination that will enable me to become successful in whatever field I may choose to pursue. Well this sentence makes it sound like you, personally, have very impressive reasons for participating in sports -- for example, if you struggled with sports as a child and continued to participate in order to surmount adversity. Maybe you can change the sentence to say:

My reason for participating for sports is that I believe in spirited training and competition as the character-building processes that are necessary for becoming successful in whatever field I may choose to pursue.

No need for Dad's name; irrelevant to the essay... My father (dads name) is someone who has been a positive role model in ...

Actually, you can tighten that up even more:

My father (dads name) is someone who has been a positive role model in ...

Less is more! Strive for rhythm and efficiency.

:)

to improve one's life...

Undergraduate / 'I became a quadriplegic and now must get around in a motorized wheelchair' - "Why attend NYFA?" [10]

In the year 2000, I became a quadriplegic dependent on others and now must get around in a motorized wheelchair.

Since becoming a member of the disabled community nine years ago, I have witnessed how society ignores not only the handicapped persons needs but also the fact that we are people too.

I have been an artist and a writer all of my life and out of all of the different mediums that I and other artists have used to send or embody a message, none have the effects of the big silver screen and television.

They have the ability to bring people together, to change peoples ideals and ideologies, the way they think. and For me, the most amazing thing film can do and has done, is to change the way people live.

If I had not seen those movies and heard the messages in them I would not be the person who I am today.

I think you should tell what some of these powerful messages are, and how they have affected you. It sounds as though you were saying the movies you listed as some of your favorites, were great because of the musical soundtracks. I don't think this is the message you wanted to convey.

:)

Undergraduate / Immigration reform in the United States during the economic crysis period. Issue of Importance essay [16]

This seems much better! It still cries out for a suggestion, a solution you would promote. You are right when you say that it fulfills the requirements by describing an important issue (i.e. without necessarily taking a side), but this essay still feels a bit incomplete. And yet, if you make a direct suggestion, the reader might not agree...

The essay is pretty solid now, for sure. I just think that everyone who reads it is used to reading stuff like this and then hearing a specific suggestion.

One other thing is that part of the purpose of this is to show the reader something about you by explaining why this is important to you. I think that is part of why it seemed so ofensive the first time, because so many people are intolerant and, well, for this to be the issue you choose -- makes me automatically suspect, "Oh, I bet this is one of those haters who thinks immigrants are subhuman..." but in this version, you do not seem that way. Still, can you say something heartfelt about why this issue is particularly important to you?

Book Reports / What is an easy book to do a book report on? [15]

And you need it to include all three books? Well, that is cool. Did you get to choose these three? If you chose them, there must be some common element among them. What do they have in common with each other and with you? That will be your thesis statement!

Start by pondering what the three books have in common and how that common thing inspires or otherwise affects you.

Book Reports / Argumentetive Paper based on some books we have read - Help [2]

Through these stories, authors indirectly make observations about whether or not we are "our brothers' keepers," So as you read them, collect all the good stuff! Type a sentence for each time an author makes a subtle statement about what is right and wrong with regard to being responsible for others...

When you have that list, write up the essay! You will see that a central theme emerges based on your collection, so that will be your theme. Write something brilliant and inspired! :)

Graduate / Homeless situation - personal statement [10]

I SO agree with Rich, as everyone loves a dramatic story with a happy ending...or new beginning, I should say!

Good luck in school!

:)

Undergraduate / "An Unexplainable Happening" - a personal narrative about a memorable event [5]

The title seems like a cliche, a little bit, so maybe a more unique title would be better.

There is a verb tense problem in the first paragraph, where your first sentene tell the story in the past tense, but the last sentence of that first paragraph tels it in the present tense; you can fix it be starting the last sentence of the first para with:

That night's movie was...

For dialogue, use a comma:

"Wait let me get comfy first," said Crystal, as she...

Nanook proceeded to creep back downstairs while urinating on every step. "Nanook, what the hell is wrong with you? I'm sorry he never does this," Crystal said.

Hey, you are a pretty good storyteller after all!!

Writing Feedback / ""At present you need to live the question" -help with any grammar mistakes [5]

And his branches now, having, before, deteriorated to the..

For this part, I wonder if one of the commas is unnecessary. You write well enough to be able to do as you like, though.

For the end, I wonder how the breath of God is stagnant, and how, if it is stagnant, it is moving the leaf. Is stagnant the right word, and, if so, would it maybe be better to say something about an effect the breath did NOT have, rather than an effect it did have?

This really is a great piece of writing. You must be a musician as well as a writer. Please check out the EF Contributor page.

Writing Feedback / review - Position(s) of responsibility you have held [5]

Manoj, that is good advice! It's less awkward that way.

Graduate / Achievements Essay [4]

I slept on the buses, studied at the stations, and lived on a tight budget, because I knew I needed to make up for the advantages my competition would have.

WOW, this is high quality stuff.

After staying focused despite this adversity , I applied only to Bogazici, and...

I love the second one! Great job! "Countrymen and women" does not work, though. How about:

...but I wanted to do something more for the men and women of my own country.

The word countrymen is powerful, but it is chauvinistic, and you can't even fix it by saying "countrymen and women," because "countrymen" technically can include women. So, I guess it is better to get rid of the chauvinistic word...

Four divisions exist within Ashland...

The corrections I am making are all nitpicking ones, not necessary because the essays are already great.

Congratulations!

Undergraduate / USC HOPEFUL ("passion is striving") [3]


This first sentence should be more specific... what is your intended major?

All my friends knew the direction they wanted to head in to, but , as for me... well I was simply confused.

or approached on to find what I needed -- rather than looking for it myself.

I returned back to America and ...

Ahh, pol. sci! That is a great choice! Okay, mention that at the start of the essay!!! :) Now, how does this passion you describe, which is related to your background, lead you to pol. sci.??? That is a connection that should be a focus of this essay.

Undergraduate / The Economics is my favorite subject and I'm interested in CO-OP Management program - Short essays [10]

For the one about economics, it is great already! A reflective sentence at the end would help, though... perhaps connect econ. with your intended course of study at this school to which you're applying.

CO-OP Management is interactive, challenging, interesting and practical, which will enable me to know how people think and act in the workplace and, thus, assist me in becoming a better leader.

In addition to management, this program also provides a firm base in Economics including a co-operative option, which will allow me to apply the theories in work-related situations as well as earn an excellent salary simultaneously.

I worked on several projects designed to create awareness about acid violence.
(what is acid violence?)

Then, with the help of other volunteers , I sent letters to the affiliated partners and stock holders.

This program was arranged in memory of 21st February, which is a very important day for our nation because, in 1952, many lives were sacrificed on this day to establish Bengali as our mother tongue.

good luck!!

:)