Undergraduate / I just realized that it is my grandfather's influence that has molded me into what I am today [7]

Though, I have been influenced by several people my Grandfather has had the most significant impact in my growth and evolution as a human being.

No comma after "people" (above)
Now, right after that sentence you should add the thesis statement, which tells the theme of the essay. The essay should be centered on a single idea.. that idea is what you reflected on (very well) in the last paragraph, but capture it in a single sentence, and put that sentence at the end of the intro paragraph.

Grammar, Usage / does this sentence make sense? "I watched the small playful ping pong ball..." [9]

I would change to:

The novel focuses on a series of unfortunate events by which the Logan family is afflicted.

Undergraduate / Rhodes College short answer---effective leadership [2]

I used to work in Students In Free Enterprise to promote activities that were socially useful.

And Finally everything just paid off; our project succeeded.

Good, this seems exactly right for the occasion!

last sentence:

These are the capabilities that a spiritual leader should have, and I developed them as a coordinator of Students In Free Enterprise.

Undergraduate / why you are considering Rhodes College? [4]

Life-long pursuits of learning, friendships, experience in leadership and service... wait a minute, am I reading the introduction of Rhodes College? No, I'm reading my own history. The word "life-long" emphasized in the introduction has the ring of truth.

I wish I could open an umbrella, hold a door, and give a somebody a hand to somebody with stuffs full of his/her arm in as a Rhodes student; I wish I could encourage and urge my group members to exceed standards in Rhodes academics . I wish my existence could bring more unexpected and amazing episodes in Rhodes College's life.

Undergraduate / Common Apps Short Question- 'A community service experience' [10]

Thanks for introducing me to that new word!! :)

Undergraduate / Michigan Essays (diversity, economics, setback) [9]

You do a great job of starting out with sentences and phrases that grab the attention. The way to improve these in subsequent revisions is to ask yourself what the main theme is, and then apply this format to each essay:

Say it.
Explain it.
Say it again.

That way, each essay will be a powerful expression of a single idea, with every sencente supporting your theme.

Undergraduate / Fear is a path to the darkside [5]

Hidden in the shadows of one's mind exists a path to self-destruction.
Great Yoda reference!!
I wish I had gotten to this before you sent it, but actually it is great this way! In your concluding paragraph you capture the main theme of the essay very well. It would be good to tell the reader, in the intro paragraph, that you will be writing about how you started choosing the road less traveled rather than being conservative due to fear.

Undergraduate / "Substitution! 21 for 3!" Short response for common app! Leave comments! [11]

Yes, it is excellent!

I am surprised that they only allow 150 words!!

Undergraduate / CMC essay; "First in war, first in peace, and first in our countrymen's hearts" [16]

The dollar bill is used as a means of exchange, so trivial and mundane that most people would not for one second contemplate its features. Yet, upon it is the portrait of a founding father whose legacy is so pervasive, that to this day it resonates loud and clear and engenders admiration for him. Now give a thesis statement that will capture the main theme of the essay -- the central truth.

How about leaving that (above) alone as the first paragraph. It is powerful that way. Then continue to paragraph 2:

The Father of Our Country, George Washington, transformed a rag-tag...

If you have trouble coming up with the thesis sentence for the 1st paragraph, look at the last paragraph where you sum it all up very well.

Undergraduate / FSU essay ("traditions and customs that have become a part of my life") [11]

Having been born in a different culture, the word Mores is an important aspect of my life.

Okay, use that intro paragraph to introduce the fact that you will be writing about how these three words apply to you:

Vires, Artes, Mores, the three Latin words signifies strength, beauty, character. Throughout my earlier years, I believe all three words could be use to reflect my life. Now tell the reader what main conclusion you come to about your relationship with these words, which are so important to this school, and how it makes it the perfect school for you.

Talk about each word in the 2nd, 3rd, and 4rth paragraphs. Then in a fifth paragraph, make your conclusion. In the conclusion, restate the idea of how you embody these values that are celebrated and upheld at this school.

Undergraduate / UVA - Favorite word, first draft, debate [4]

When you refer to a word, put it in quotes: My favorite word is "debate."

So, can you tell how this talent leads you to want to study at this particular school? and how does it relate to your intended major?

It will be great if you can use this discussion of "debate" to express why it is absolutely necessary for you to go to this school!

:)

Undergraduate / Commonapp Essay (Brother who has cerebral palsy and influence). [6]

However , I have never played on a sports team in my entire life.

Okay, so for the first part, I think it would be good to tell the reader in the first paragraph about visits to the dr.'s office for your back problem. Otherwise, it sounds like the back pain theme is just an exaggeration for emphasis. Then, when you refer back to it in the last paragraph it will make more sense.

Can you link this experience to your intended field of study? If so, mention your aspirations in the first paragraph, and especially in the last paragraph.

Undergraduate / Interesting idea? - Argonne National Laboratory and Fermila [6]

I would b more conservative, usually, but I do agree that a wacky question deserves a wacky response. you did very well with it! Can you add a reflective sentence at the end that tells the theme of the essay, the implications of outcome of the experiment?

Also:

There are four old men dressed in white suits and sporting magnificent white mustach es; they sit dignified in the middle of the room with a box that resembles a microwave directly in front of them. A man in a black suit stands on a podium to the side. He waits for the applause to die away.)

Undergraduate / Common Application ("Growing up as an atheist") [7]

I forget to mention that, in the first paragraph, you should add a fourth sentence: let that last sentence tell what the main truth of the essay is. Sum up the whole essay in a single sentence and tell it in that 4rth sentence of the first paragraph. Then, remind the reader of this truth again in the conclusion, after it has been explained in the body of the essay.

Undergraduate / UVa- grammar errors- "Being a moderate Muslim is no easy" [13]

Consistently maintaining all of these requirements is difficult at times; however, it has become a perpetual habituated routine of mine for me. Clearly, the most important piece of literature associated with the Islamic religion is the Quran. Now end this first paragraph with a sentence that tells what main point you are going to make in this essay. What is the main idea?

Then, restate that main idea at the end. All the content in the middle is good, but put it within the framework of a thesis sentence at the end of the first paragraph and a conclusion at the end. The intro and conclusion should capture the main theme.

Undergraduate / ideas or items in a particle accelerator - direction with Common App Essay [7]

This is great! Now, after you introduce the concept of society, let the reader know that the next concept is "culture." Then proceed, in the following paragraphs, to discuss the relationship of culture to a society. That is an awesome choice of ideas to discuss.

Perhaps, while writing the essay, a third idea will emerge for you. Conclude with a paragraph about the three ideas, and a new truth that emerged as a result of smashing together these three ideas.

Undergraduate / Submitting in 2 hours: Cornell Architecture Supplement [4]

Born in a family of architects, I have been absorbing the spirit of architecture since a very young age.

I like the repitition. How about "absorbing the spirit of architecture"

The scene reminded me of something I had seen some blueprints on my dad's desk.

"Mom, we are gonna land on dad's plan!" Is there a better, more descriptive word than "plan?"

Undergraduate / Is it common app worthy ("My job is in the Pacoima Branch Library") [5]

Some have been deafened by Pacoima with sirens shrieking, bullets flying, helicopters hovering, robberies and for lack of better words constant violence.

What if you start like this:

Sitting behind the desk in the Library, I observe and realize that many in my community struggle. I sit there and listen. I watch. I wonder. The doors open and a universe of different people wander before my gaze. It appears as if every...

Undergraduate / Need help with most important essay for college in my life. [10]

You can click on the terms of services to see all your options. I understand your concern! The administrators of this site do take steps to prevent problems like that with plagiarism checkers, though.

:)
Kevin

Undergraduate / 'I wanted to become a Veterinarian' - Inspiration at the Kennel [38]

I guess I give it a 9. I would say 10 only if it was one of those things that you can't possibly stop reading after you start.

It is perfect, though, because the last sentence of the first paragraph tells what the essay is about, and the last paragraph reflects on it... they could not ask for a better essay!

Anyway, don't go by what I say, because I think numerical and letter grades are silly. Some schools don't even use them!

:)

Faq, Help / No reply for my thread? [17]

Yes, I'll check now!

:)

Undergraduate / MIT essay B "The world I come from", soccer championship [4]

Ecstasy replaced the tension that had been on my teammates' faces.

Actually, I guess if you have to shorten it, this whole first part needs to be cut:

"Yeeeeeah!"

They missed it. Ecstasy wiped ... all the way to, ... unpredictable world.

This is good material, but it is not necessary for the essay. The rest of the essay is a good, solid expression of a single theme, but this first part could be removed. It is good material, though, so use it in a future essay!

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / 'I wanted to become a Veterinarian' - Inspiration at the Kennel [38]

Use a semi-colon to separate 2 complete sentences that go together, as part of the same thought. Use a colon to say "more to come."

In that last sentence, the colon is best.

In answer to your question: yes, write out numbers as words, because it looks nicer. But that's not necessary with numbers like 537. Only with numbers like twenty, or four, which are easy to write.

Undergraduate / USC essay- "to be a successful Hispanic", let me know what you think [18]

Well, right here you should keep the tense consistent:

Gunshots reverberate through the air, another person falls victim to the inane gang warfare.

It would be great to make that the FIRST sentence by tacking it onto the beginning! And then your 1st sentence would become your 2nd sentence.

Now, the way to improve it is to look at the central meaning of the essay and capture it -- the thesis of the essay -- in a single sentence that will go at the end of the first paragraph. Replace the current last sentence, so the paragraph does not get too long.

Then, restate that main theme in different words at the end.

As it is now, the first paragraph does not let me know what the main point of the essay will be...

:)

Kevin

Undergraduate / Univ of Illinois Essay! ("girl from India") [3]

I think it is even better if you write "inferior to"

You can omit this sentence if you need to cut it down: Some of the classes that I took in high school really encouraged me to seize my dream, especially Principles of Engineering.

You might also think of condensing the first paragraph. It is cool, but I bet you can say it all in one short sentence that can go at the beginning of paragraph two. Then, paragraph 2 can become the first paragraph.

:)

Essays / Very confused on my Thesis statement. AP Euro History class [7]

That is good advice! Sometimes the teachers get so fixated on a particular form for something (in this case, a thesis statement), though, that they suck the life out of academic writing.

The context of the thesis statement is important, too! It seems goofy to require the kids to make the thesis all one long sentence.

It will even help to do it like this:

...these women were met with a whirlwind of conflicting attitudes: the attitudes from enlightened intellectuals were positive, as were the attitudes from fellow women scientists -- but, attitudes from non-enlightened scientists and traditional women were negative and filled with discontent."

Undergraduate / Why Duke arts and sciences short essay? (any feedback will be welcome) [5]

collegeseeker, thanks for helping!! you can use bold to highlight the changes toy make, if you help other people in the future. also, check out the EF contributor page!

In addition, how about this idea:

The Trinity College of Arts and Sciences at Duke University is perfect for my academic goals: studying political science and to earn a degree in neuroscience. I prefer Duke because of the interdepartmental and thematic focus.

...

A schedule packed with classes from the major area of study of political science and neuroscience interdisciplinary classes through the psychology department would provide for a wide breadth of knowledge and feeling of opportunity unavailable at many other leading colleges. Duke truly provides a school of arts and sciences that would enable me to find my career interests through the various avenues I would be able to travel and pursue at the Trinity College of Arts and Sciences.

Undergraduate / CORNELL CALS ESSAY ("we must take care of the world we live in") [4]

Thanks falconchick for the good work you did! Check out the EF Contributor page!!

Unicorn, that is great that you are both interested in saving the planet. Read the works of Dr. Owen Wilson.

From a young age, I was taught that we must take care of the world in which we live.

I have traveled to Europe and Latin America and have seen countries with stellar policies protecting the environment, as well as countries that need help developing and enforcing policies that will defend the Earth.

With this new knowledge and understanding, I can spread the message to other people worldwide so they can see the benefit and purpose of saving what's left of our planet.

Great ending!!!

Dissertations / A completed literature review with a thesis proposal? [8]

Yes, the lit review is necessary in order to show that there is a need for your proposed work, and to show how it will fit with existing work...

Good luck!!!!!!!

Essays / Rice Supplement (something unique about my view upon communism?) [4]

Yes!! If you post it, I'll give my ideas about whether or not it seems right...

Communism is a nice idea, but it is not consistent with the "survival of the fittest" principle that Nietzche called the Will to Power. Only democracy and capitalism leave people free to compete and survive. Communism is like bureaucracy: they lead to complacancy and corruption. Democracy fills lives with ambition and competition, but life is like that anyway!

:)

Undergraduate / UIUC essay 2 (Illuminati- the Physics Club) [6]

Illuminati- the Physics Club of our school is one of the facadesaspects of school life that I will remember forever.

I genuinely feel that without this facet of my high school, I would be incomplete.

I feel amazed when I think how shy, introverted and inexperienced I was before and how I have gradually evolved as an individual. For the club and its junior members, the journey would not end here, and although my own process with the club has come to an end, my journey can continue at [the school to which you are applying]...

Undergraduate / BU- What expiriences have led you to choose your field of major [6]

I eagerly pummeled my aunt's audio cassette player with a stone, wanting to see what was within.

BEST FIRST SENTENCE I HAVE READ ALL DAY!!!

The radio was but a day old, for my aunt had brought it from work the previous evening. ----> Hahahah!!! :)

Of course, the cassette player was sophisticated for me at the time; how it worked, the components involved, and the interrelationships among them were beyond my understanding, because I was just seven years old.

I desire to study electrical engineering at Boston University in order to gratify this innate desire of mine .

Undergraduate / 'Dancing is close to my heart' - MIT essay... how the world shaped your dreams essay [5]

This second one is better, I think, but I really like the second half of the dance essay.

I have been proactive about mastering physics for the past two years in order to ace the IITJEE -- the most competitive engineering entrance examination in India. Apart from these classes, my teacher also conducts physics discussion classes every week or so in our school. Anyone interested can attend, and there is no fixed syllabus, no set schedule, no tests -- just physics.

Impressive!!!

These classes have been fondly termed as "the enrichment classes" by the students. They classes are the most enjoyable and intellectually stimulating classes I have ever attended.

You write very well! I just think you should be careful of little mistakes like extra spaces, as below:

If we think so, then we stop learning because the primary step to learning is asking questions.

You MUST show this essay to that teacher, because it will make him feel so good about his work!!!!!!!

Undergraduate / Cornell CALS essay - "the significance of ingredients and nutrition" [3]

One of the activities of the trip was to differentiate between freshly squeezed fruit juice an d artificially flavored fruit drinks by scrutinizing the ingredients and nutritional labels as well as by taste testing. Upon inspection, there were several recurring additives, such as the coloring agent tartrazine. Later that day, a bolt of curiosity surged through me, and an impromptu Internet search on tartrazine irrevocably changed the way I looked at food.

Yes, there is little room for improvement!!! Good job! Also, you got me thinking about my own nutrition, and I thank you!!!!

Undergraduate / Short answers to Hendrix College [4]

Oh, hav I been making my smiley backwards? :) I thought it was this way, :) but I see you make it this way (: ... I think your way is technically correct. How embarrassing! And I am supposed to be a moderator...

:)(:

Writing Feedback / for IELST...." sports or physical course is importmant "essay [5]

Is that true? Wow, schools should not drop phys. ed... it is so important! I is even important for academics, because physical activity gets the energy circulating to the brain...

In these years, a huge number of schools dropped away the sport or physical courses, because they must invest more time into academics . ....

In our lives , a lot of super sports stars begin sports when they young. In our life, Some people talk about being healthy because of regular participation in sports. ...

I hope you have much success on your test, and in your education!!!! You have all my respect, because you speak more than one language!!!

Undergraduate / Uva favorite word - Uncertainty [3]

"Uncertainty" is a word that acts as a gargantuan, dark cloud whose only purpose is to obscure the sun, the bringer of light . For those who seek sureness, uncertainty arouses sensations of fear as it impairs vision, and hazes understanding. Unfortunately, this rejection of uncertainty hinders development of new or different opinions...

Great concept. Just simplify it by expressing one idea at a time. Also, check out Shunryu Suzuki's book Not Always So.

Writing Feedback / response paragraph for the essay "why we crave horror movies" [4]

In the essay "Why We Crave Horror Movies," Steven king explores why people usually crave horror by using the cause effect method. King begins his essay with a bold opening statement: "We are all mentally sick. This opening statement caught many readers' attention so it was a good hook. I believe that this statement showed insult for some readers and that if it had little truth, it would have opposed his argument. King reveals that people's reactions towards movies are normal and are not sicknesses. I think that his ideas were not really well stated. ...

Very good! Just those few errors. When you review a work, write it all in the present tense. For example: "King explains that we are all mentally ill"... instead of "King explained..."

Undergraduate / Common App Essay- ("I was an extremely snoopy child") [5]

I'm so sorry I could not comment in time!! It does look great, though, as the others said. I hope you do well!!!!

Undergraduate / is this topic "my world" worthy? [3]

Good advice from Sean! Also, break this up into 2 or 3 paragraphs for clarity. Most importantly, start and end with the profoundly meaningful answer to the question of WHO YOU ARE.

I am a product of my diverse experiences... tell who you are... Moving to the tremendously multicultural city of Hong Kong from Korea when I was ten enabled me to, for the first time in my life, go to school with friends from Nepal, Singapore, Japan, and other foreign places of the world.

Keep revising until it is even more powerful!!!

:)