Speeches / China, a Global View (from the perspective of Chinese e-commerce) [3]

Kelly, your essay is informative but lacks focus. What is it exactly that you want to talk about? Is it the videos uploaded about China? Wands for sale in China? Alibaba? Alipay? There are too many topics being introduced for the listener to be able to follow the verbal discussion that you are presenting. You seem to have forgotten that a speech is nothing more than a verbal reading of the essay that you wrote. That said, the speech that you wrote needs to follow the dictates of a general essay. That means, you need to have one topic to discuss, one topic to defend or inform about, and one topic to conclude on. Your current essay tries to discuss so many topics without really focusing on a connecting piece of information or a common discussion point. In order to make this speech more effective, you will need to either whittle down the presentations you have made or write a new one that has a better focus on a singular topic that connects all 3 companies. I would be confused while listening to you because you do not really follow through on any of the topics being introduced. It is not enough to introduce topics in a speech, you need to fully discuss and develop your presentations as well. Like I said, the speech is a verbal essay. So adjust your mistakes, such as the lack of spacing between sentences, starting sentence with the word "but", and creating so many run on sentences that the speech becomes hard to keep track of. Fixing those will be a good start and will allow you to review the content of your essay for changes that should be made in order to create a better focused speech.

Undergraduate / Courageous Individual With Passion [2]

Teng, this is a very generic personal statement. It does not capture the reviewers attention nor does it relay any information relevant to your preparation for SCAD studies. You are trying to impress the reviewer with non-existent skills and preparation, which will negate this application and send it into the reject pile. If you are not in an Arts related high school or high school program, then you should at least have some out of school training or experience that will show a solid foundation for the arts. Your essay needs to portray you as a student whose artistic inclinations are only limited by the current high school you are attending. It is important that you have at least community service activities that relate to your love for drawing and other related aspects. You need to relate some sort of formal training such as seminars or art classes, or even being part of impromptu art exhibits, even without formal training, would help to increase the level of interest in the reviewer and preparation for art school on your part. This essay is too theoretical in presentation and lacks the proper preparation aspect to make your application one that could be considered seriously by the reviewer and admissions committee.

Writing Feedback / More and more factories are being built to serve for the massive production of large enterprises. [2]

Kim, your essay will fail on the basis of your opening statement alone. You were not able to properly present the required discussion for the given topic. The essay was not asking you about building factories in general, which is what you discussed. It was asking you to discuss the effects of building a topic in your community and whether you would agree or disagree with building a factory there. The total essay was off track in the discussion because of the general terms you used for the discussion. You did manage to get it back on track towards the end but by then, it was too late. The essay had already failed in the all too important TA section of the essay and as such, will have a hard time gaining enough individual scoring considerations to actually pass the test. The correct format for the opening statement and how the discussion should have been presented can be found below:

A manufacturing company recently made its intentions known to build a factory within my community. While I will admit that there are advantages to building a factory in my place of residence, I have to oppose the building of such a structure. In this essay, I will present both the advantages and disadvantages of having a factory in the community where I live in order to support my opposing claim.

One of the advantages...

However, a big disadvantage is ....

That is why I oppose...

To recap and close this discussion...

Do you see how simple and on track the presentation should have been instead of the convoluted presentation that you have above? Always remember to highlight only the required elements of the essay. Do not fly off into a different discussion target because that tends to create a problematic essay that will not serve your purpose during the exam.

Scholarship / My motivation letter to make the scholarship committee would be impressed [3]

Ferdy, this sounds to me like you are writing this essay part of the Chevening Scholarship application. Am I right? The reason that I thought of that is because you specifically mention 3 universities as your choice to study in as a UK based student in the essay, which are part and parcel of the Chevening application essays. If I am right, then your total approach to this essay is wrong. This is not a personal narrative with the universities mentioned as a group towards the end of the essay, this is a university specific essay that requires you to focus on the university choices and the reasons behind it for presentation to the reviewer.

That said, you need to remove the long narrative at the start that talks about your volunteer experience. Instead, you should work in that volunteer experience into the (per) university discussion. The format has to be as follows:

1. University name
2. Course name
3. Reason you chose the course at this university
4. Your relevant experience that indicates a preparedness to complete the course - this is where you can work in your volunteer experience along with your college education, training, and seminars attended.

At the moment, your essay is so long and unrelated to the university discussion that the reviewer may not even opt to finish reading what you have written. Keep the essay short and razor focused. Don't spend too much time telling a story. Spend the time explaining why you qualify for study in the university based upon the program you have chosen instead.

Graduate / My SOP for pursuing MSBA (Master of Business Analytics) in the U.S [3]

Yijun, there is no real purpose for your desire to study MSBA being presented in your essay. What you wrote is more of a letter of motivation or self introduction instead of a statement of purpose. The statement of purpose needs to respond to 5 specific questions in order to accurately portray the purpose of your studies. The 5 questions to be responded to are:

1. What is your current profession and how does your desire for a masters certification relate to your future career plans?
2. What problems do you wish to address in your field of work that you feel can be best resolved by someone with and MSBA?
3. How did your college education prepare you for your profession?
4. What changes do you hope to effect in your field of work via the completion of this course?
5. Why did you choose this university and how can completing the degree at this university help address your 5 year career plan?

Those guide questions should be able to help you create a better draft version of your essay. One that more aligns itself with the expected content of an SOP. The questions are basically standard for all SOP essays so you should come up with a usable version of the essay that you wrote above. The SOP is one of the most difficult essays to write but with the right guidance, developing the content should be a breeze. Good luck with your revision.

Undergraduate / Quest Bridge Biographical Essay for College Admission [5]

Mohammed, did you have any biographical prompts to respond to in this essay? The reason that I ask is because, although it is extremely thorough in presentation, it lacks a sense of true importance in the presentation. For instance, you placed the segment about your parents influence and their sacrifices for you at the end of the essay when that should have been paragraph 3 instead. The reference to your uncle and your migration to America should have been paragraph 4. Then, there is the statement that you made about you being in a constant state of identity crisis. There should have been a follow up paragraph or two that describes that sense of identity crisis. How did you deal with it? Do you still have that identity problem as an immigrant to the U.S? That is a tremendously important part of your biography that did you did not thoroughly present as a part of your identity and diversity discussion. Try to edit the essay to lessen the participation of your uncle since he was not an integral part of your life. Instead, increase the discussion regarding identity and diversity in the essay in order to create a balanced personality and character development discussion.

Undergraduate / Common app prompt 5 college application essay : opening new doors. [2]

Ben, do not focus on the pre-travel events. Focus on the travel events instead. Remember, the essay is asking you to discuss an event that sparked personal growth in yourself. I didn't get a sense of that in this essay. What you need to do is discuss the travel experience itself. What is the most memorable experience that you had? Why is it memorable? What did you learn about yourself from that event? Your narration of the trip and the experience(s) that you had need to show the events that led up to your character building or self-realization. What did you learn about yourself? Did some situation bring out a side of your character that you did not know you had? Perhaps a sense of independence or insight about who you are as a person? Maybe you learned how to deal with a situation that you would have had your parents handling for you if you were stateside? Events that seem like nothing at first but upon further reflection, allowed you to grow as a person are the topics you should be presenting in this essay.

Graduate / MBA Dream from India - does this SOP sounds more like a Personal Statement? [4]

Navjotkaur, that paragraph is more applicable to a college level essay than that of a masters degree sop. You are right in the assumption that the work you completed is more of a personal statement in information and approach. That makes it irrelevant to an SOP. the SOP requires a more academic and professional tone / approach to the information presentation. The SOP considers more of your immediate college experience, training after college, and your professional performance rather than personal backstories such as these. While I admire the information in this section, I do not advise that you use that essay as an addendum to your SOP. Rather, save it for a time when the university or scholarship application might have a prompt requirement that is attuned to the essay that you wrote. Like I said, you will never know when this statement that you wrote might come in handy so don't delete it just yet. I have a feeling you may have some future use for this highly personalized statement. Don't use it in the SOP. The time will come when you will need this essay.

Undergraduate / Area of Emphasis Essay - Film [3]

Sabrina, what prompt are you trying to respond to? It is really difficult to review your statement since I do not know what purpose it was written for. The prompt was supposed to give that information to me. Anyway, the response that you gave is very common in information and presentation. There is nothing in your response that makes it stand out. It is not "extraordinary" in any way that would have made it memorable to the reader. Depending upon the prompt you are trying to respond to, there should have been a more definite and personalized feel to the response. At the moment, the personal feel is there on a superficial instead of deep level. I suggest that you reconsider your response to the prompt and, based upon its applicability, revise the essay to be better suited towards a personal understanding, desire, and ambition than the current response represents. Look for a more uncommon reason to want to become a film maker other than to tell the stories of other people in a format that is acceptable to most people. Your response is too mainstream. Try to respond more in the mindset of an independent filmmaker.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose - Applying for M.S. in Machine Learning Graduate Programs in the US. [2]

Gibran, your hypothetical discussions are good. Your thesis project is impressive, and your ambition to digitize the records of your country is admirable. However, there is no professional application to your current line of work indicated. Are you not gainfully employed in a related field at the moment? There is a lack of reference to the applicability of your plans to your current career, which is usually the connecting factor between a masters course and the potential student. How and where do you plan to implement the digitizing of the records in this instance? Are you employed at a relevant government agency? If so, you need to explain that connection rather than simply having your friend's experience as a frame of reference. That is the weakest reference one can give in his quest for a masters degree. We need a professional foundation for your interests. Do not us the AI reference that you wrote as your first reference point because that is so severely under developed in presentation that it seems to be misplaced in the overall context of the essay.

You also do not need to name your thesis adviser in the start of the essay. That is of no interest to the reviewer, unless your thesis adviser will be attaching a recommendation letter for you. Otherwise, only the project objective and end results are of importance to the paragraph. As for your plans after graduation, you need to signify that you will start the company in your home country instead of the United States. Just in case that you need to submit this paper to the U.S. consul, you need to make that clear from the start. You do not plan to stay in the United States, you plan to go home immediately after graduation.

Writing Feedback / Crime is a serious problem in most countries and the crime rate has tendency to increase annually [2]

Phuong, your opening statement doesn't really follow the guidelines for the prompt restatement. You need to present it in a manner that preserves the original presentation of the prompt. It would have been better presented as follows:

Crime rates are said to increase with each passing year. It would seem that there are several reasons as to why the crime rate is on the uptrend. In this essay, I will discuss two of the possible reasons for the increase in crime and offer a solution that can hopefully, help to lower the yearly crime rate.

The reason that I specified a 2 reason discussion is simple. You have 3 body paragraphs with which to discuss your complete analysis of the situation. The division of the paragraph body should be:

1. Reason 1
2. Reason 2.
3. Generally applicable solution to the problem.

Do not try to present too much information in the essay. This prevents you from fully explaining your opinion in each body paragraph. It would be best if you focus on one cause per paragraph so you have 4 more sentences to build up that reason discussion. Then the 3rd paragraph can offer a more generalized solution to the problem. The general solution offers you a better opportunity to gain a better GRA and LR score when compared to several under-explained solutions to the problem.

Scholarship / Vision, innovation and dedication levels are vital to determine if a leader can reach his/her goals [4]

Fahima, you should not use this essay for your application under any circumstances. The content of the essay is only usable as a college application essay. It is nowhere near being of Chevening leadership and influencing application essay quality. This is a paper that should only be used to clear your head, before you write your actual leadership and influencing essay.

You need to use professional information in the essay so that it can compete with the other applicants. If you do not have any professional experience related to leadership and your ability to influence people then you have a problem. What we need to read in your application is a clear example of how you perform as a leader within your chosen profession. What sort of problems does the performance of your duties entail? Does this involve the need to influence your subordinates in order to get the job done? How do you influence the people? Mention a specific problem you had to address that resulted in your leadership and influencing skills being highlighted and commended by your immediate superior. That is the sort of essay that you should be presenting.

This essay sounds more like you are presenting research to the reviewer. You are showing how you are an accomplished subordinate or follower. You can follow directions and deliver results as required. That is not the role of an influential leader. That is the role of a mere follower or rank and file employee. That is the main reason why you cannot use this essay for this particular prompt.

You should not be presenting amateur experience as a student and intern. That will be forgettable to the reviewer because there are more qualified applicants for the scholarship whose credentials and experiences are much more impressive and memorable than yours. You need to think about the competition and how you can make your essay shine. This essay, will not even ignite a matchstick in the memory of the reviewer.

Scholarship / 'To make a positive improvement' - Chevening Essay : Individuals with strong networking skills [2]

Binari, you need to create more interesting hook for the reviewer than the one that you have now. I would like you to open with a statement similar to the following:

It is said that the connections we make in college will be beneficial to our professional lives. I can attest to this fact. Through the network that I created as an intern at the Community Development and Crisis Centre of Faculty of Psychology Universitas Airlangga (PKPK), I was able to launch my professional career and also, create an ever growing network of professional and personal contacts. How did I manage to create such a strong network? It all started in 2014 when I ...

By focusing on the most relevant and important network development in your career, you will be able to better direct the attention of the reviewer to the method by which your network was created. The second paragraph should be all about how you now work as a lecturer and all the networking data attached to that. For your conclusion, don't forget to explain how you plan to use your past, current, and future connection for the benefit of the incoming Chevening scholars as well. Chevening is all about creating an alumna network so you need to make sure that you don't forget to mention that. It is very important to your application.

Undergraduate / UVA Supplement: The word "push" is my favorite and reminds me that I shouldn't give up. [3]

Rowlie, try to explain how the word "push" applies to your mindset in life rather than using all of that word count just setting up the scenario for the word. You are wasting valuable words that should be used to define the important of the word rather than when you first heard and were inspired by the word. That presentation can be done effectively in 2 sentences. The applicability of the favorite word in your daily life and why it has helped you overcome obstacles is the more important presentation in this essay. I urge you to revise the first 2 paragraphs of your essay instead to make the presentation more relevant. You can compress the running scenario in the first paragraph then develop the discussion in the remaining word allotment / paragraphs. That way you can present the history of the favorite word, how it has evolved in meaning from the first time you heard it, and what it means to you as of now. Connecting it to the push to do well as a freshman in college or obtaining the grades you need to get into your university of choice would be a good example of how the word "push" and its meaning has evolved for you over time.

Undergraduate / Common App Essay: I'm Human (topic of your choice) [3]

Aman, these traits do not make you human, these traits make you a good person. Here is the thing, you wrote the essay just for the sake of writing it. You did not create a prompt requirement for yourself that you have to present to the reviewer before he reads the essay that you wrote. Remember, just because the common app accepts an open topic doesn't mean that you can just discuss anything that you want. You have to first, create a reason for the discussion and then write the essay. What is it that you want the reviewer to know about you within the word limitations?

Develop a statement or a purpose for the essay, then present that to the reviewer. Do not even begin to draft the essay until you have an idea for the central discussion of your essay. Avoid topics so over generalized, like this one, that your essay comes across as mere soundbites instead of informative presentations.

What do you want the reviewer to know about you as a human being? Narrow down the focus to the most interesting human trait that you have. I think the part about fighting bullies on behalf of those being bullied is a timely presentation and will show off a compassionate side of your humanity that will be admirable in an incoming college freshman. Of course, the final topic choice is yours. Whichever you choose to discuss will be fine.

Graduate / Motivation Letter - Masters in Artificial Intelligence in Netherlands [2]

Jatin, a motivational letter needs to be similar to a statement of purpose, only on a smaller, single page, 5 paragraph scale. Your letter doesn't really define what motivated your interest in enroll in AI masters classes in the Netherlands. Try to present less of your background, as that is not required in a motivational letter, and instead, focus on your current work responsibilities in relation to AI development. The motivation needs to come from your professional experience and where you think the field of AI technology is headed in the future. What kind of AI do you think should be developed for future use and why? Describe this as the motivation for your advanced learning. You have to explain how your future ambitions or interest in AI motivated your increased interest at this university in particular as well. Focus less on your family and academic background and more on your professional requirements that could be falling short of your current interests in the AI field at the moment. The moment that you felt that you are no longer properly equipped either technically or theoretically to deal with this particular field should signify the start of your motivation to pursue higher learning. That is not really reflected accurately in this letter as you are presenting way too many side topics before the main topic, which actually became an afterthought in the presentation due to the length and amount of information that you shared.

Scholarship / I learn Korea and Korean language intensively, from now on - essay for KGSP [5]

Nada, this is not a serious academic language development plan. Your presentation looks more like you are fooling around with your friends and relatives rather than addressing the all powerful KGSP reviewer. There is a clear lack of academic tone and presentation in your essay. You do not have a clear language study plan that can be taken seriously before and after you arrive in Korea. You cannot say you will develop one language then, upon arrival in Korea, stop developing your skills in one language in order to favor the other. You need to present a balanced language development plan for both English and Hangul. You can start by saying that you will enroll in English and Hangul tutorial classes either online or physically so that you can begin to build a strong language foundation for yourself upon your arrival in Korea. Indicate plans as to how you will continue to develop both language skills either through enrollment in more language classes or interaction with people who speak one or both languages so that you can continue to polish your skills outside of the academic setting. Your plans to learn via a mobile app should not even be presented in this essay because that is too informal a method of learning. The reviewer is asking you to present formal academic learning plans in this instance. Take the presentation seriously and use an academic presentation instead of this informal and hodge podge of presentation that you have. Do not use this essay. It is not impressive and will not help your application at all.

Writing Feedback / Argument Topic about the way to increase the more viewers of news programs [3]

Abhilash, your arguments are not very convincing as you do not show a higher degree of analytical thinking beyond the mere paraphrasing of the original content. You state facts based upon the original presentation without offering additional considerations, insights, or possibilities / arguments running counter to the present discussion. This has created a weak discussion that does not truly consider all possible arguments and counter arguments regarding the topic. Your statements are not developed in a manner that show a deeper understanding or consideration of the pros and cons of the suggestions in the original prompt. Your analysis needs to have better considerations before it can be considered a strong plea for the restoration of the previous programming. You were not able to convince the reader regarding your position.

The other weakness of your essay comes in the form of its problematic presentation. Your sentences are not spaced properly even after you end a sentence. You need to remember to hit the space bar in order to create reading space on the page. Also, every starting word of a sentence must be capitalized. What is even more worrisome is the fact that you have a tendency to use big English words without really knowing the meaning of it. For example, you used the term "ecumenically" when you meant to say "economically" or something similar in terms of economics. Ecumenically is a religious term that is used to define the promotion of a universal church. Which is tremendously far in meaning and intention from the way you intended to use the term in your essay. Make sure you know the proper English term and meaning before you use it otherwise you will lower your score due to vocabulary and contextual problems.

Writing Feedback / THE EATING HABIT AND LIFESTYLE OF CHILDREN [4]

Phuoc, it would have helped a lot if you had included the original essay prompt and instructions that you are responding to. That would have helped me better assess the content and approach that you took in response to the given scenario. Truth be told, I require the information because your opening statement, which is supposed to be a paraphrasing of the original instructions, doesn't really tell me anything relevant about the topic for discussion, how it is to be discussed, and why it is necessary to discuss this. It is not very effective as it fails to properly outline your paragraph discussion topics. Your score in the TA section will be heavily reliant upon the way that you approached the complete retelling of the original topic for discussion and instructions related to it. Another observation is that you included researched information in the essay instead of just using pubic opinions and assumptions on your part. Do not use researched information as much as possible because you will not have the time nor opportunity to do topic related research when you take the actual test. Always use exam scenarios as close to the actual test center set up in order to better prepare for the test. Do not include information that you will need to research in order to present. Stick to popular information for all your essay responses.

Scholarship / Continuous maintaining and expanding the network as an important part of my professional success [2]

Ganesh, you need to consolidate the information in your essay into related paragraphs. I want you to adjust the essay to first inform the reviewer about the reasons why you decided to enter the maritime logistics field, then explain some problems you had that required you to build your network and networking skills, then explain why you had too leave the business that you worked so hard to make a reality. Do this before you move on to the explanation of how you used the network when you transferred to Maersk. By sharing the events in chronological order, the reviewer will be able to better keep track of the related information and decide if your network is truly solid and still maintained to this very day. You don't have to indicate what branch you are connected with as a logistics manager. Your location is irrelevant, as are the country borders that surround your country. Focus only on informing the review of the pertinent details of your networking skills. Mention the year that you entered the logistics field in the opening statement instead of towards the end. The year you joined is not really important but it does help to show how long you have been creating, nurturing, and using this network which might help to impress the reviewer.

Scholarship / The job of a leader- LEADERSHIP & INFLUENCE QUESTION- CHEVENING SCHOLARSHIP [3]

Tuan, there are two problems facing the content of your essay. The first, is that the experience that you have at Kimberly-Clark better highlights your leadership and influencing skills. The problem, is that it is 3 years old. That makes it a bit old to turn into reference material for the essay. Now, when we compare that to the current work experience that you have, there is not much leadership and influencing skill involved in it when compared to your previous experience. The current work you have deals more with research, assumptions, and suggestions to management. That is why I am unsure as to which approach you should take for this essay. If I were to err on the side of caution, I would go with the Kimberly-Clark experience instead since you need to present only 1, highly relevant leadership and influencing presentation in the essay. By the way, you don't need to define what leadership means to you. The essay works on the premise that you can show rather than tell the reviewer what leadership and influencing means to you. Reading about the actions that you had to take in order to create the leadership and influencing situation is a thousand times better than simply narrating the events that transpired. My personal advice, is that you should remove the second reference to your leadership and influencing skills along with the definition of leadership. Instead, you should build up the explanation of the job you had at Kimberly-Clark instead. That is the more relevant experience for sharing in this essay as far as I can tell.

Writing Feedback / Essay about whether university students must pay all tuition fees [4]

Hai, your paraphrase is inaccurate and does not properly reflect the sentiment of the original prompt. there is no argument presented, only a discussion. Exaggerating this portion on your part was meant to call attention to your English vocabulary. Unfortunately, that created a misrepresentation of the prompt in the process. You must always stick with the academic tone of writing in these essays and never exaggerate the discussion topic presented as that would indicate a lack of English understanding on your part. The more accurate tone of paraphrase for this prompt would have been:

A discussion has been presented regarding who has the responsibility for the payment of university educational fees. An idea has been brought forth that the student must pay for all of the college related fees because the rewards of a completed undergraduate education benefits the individual more than his community. In this essay I will be discussing the reasons why I do not agree with this point of view.

Note the level tone of presentation in my opening paraphrase. It merely restates the prompt in a manner that highlights my knowledge of the English vocabulary, without changing the tone of the original prompt. It is not sensationalist, nor exaggerated. It is merely informing the reader of the previous information that I was provided for the discussion, in an academic tone. That is what you should strive to achieve in all of your prompt paraphrases.

Your line of reasoning / discussion is severely flawed in this instance. You are automatically assuming that all college students are not financially capable of paying for their fees. Hence the need for scholarships. You failed to consider the other side of the discussion that relates to those students whose parents can afford to shoulder their educational needs. Should they also be given scholarships? What if their grades do not qualify them as exemplary students? Should they still be given a free education?

When you write your supporting statements, always make sure to think of the other side of the argument and defend against it. That is why you were given 3 body paragraphs to defend your stance in. In this instance, you should have thought of these aforementioned counter arguments before you wrote what became a severely weak defense of your stance on the issue.

Do not write run-on sentences for your conclusion. Always try to present the essay in a complete paragraph form otherwise you will lose points in terms of GRA and C&C considerations. In this instance, your otherwise strong conclusion was marred by the improper sentence formatting. This will result in a reduced overall score for your essay.

Undergraduate / Commonapp Essay: Gaining control of my life [3]

The essay lacks clarity. It doesn't really explain what it was that you were running away from. Were you running away from a new problem that your father's departure created? What was the problem? Were you physically abused by your mother? Was there a violence in the household that you were trying to run away from? The story is indeed personal and isn't the typical college admission essay for either this prompt or an open topic presentation. The scars may be of true importance to you, but it may lead the reviewer to think that you will be a student that needs "extra help" and "supervision" if you are admitted to the student community of the university. Had the essay included information that showed how you were seeking help to handle this trauma in your life, then that would have been a different story.

Right now, this essay sounds like it would be passed on to student counseling services for further review before your admission is decided upon. I do not think that is the place where you want your application to go to. Normally, the background story helps to define the person in terms of personality growth, achievement, or an explanation of a situation that the student felt was a growing experience that needed to be shared. That is not the case with this essay.

If I were the person reviewing this essay, I would question the mental capacity of the student to be able to function normally in a student setting. Based upon this experience, would he pose a violent threat to the student body? Is he someone who could be a security risk to the university community at large? Why did he not seek help for his traumatic situation? What would happen if the expectations of this student are not met while attending college for one reason of another? What if his future isn't what he hoped it would be based upon his future college performance? The main question in the back of my mind would be "Could this student eventually lash out at his peer and professors?" If I answer yes to this question then, your application is dead in the water.

Perhaps it is because you tried to be too imaginative, too engaging, to descriptive in the essay. Maybe the observations I made were not your intention, but that is what came across. Sometimes, being too poetic results in an adverse presentation. I believe that you may have gone a bit overboard and you need to dial it back a bit. A messy divorce is hard enough for a child to discuss, using it to highlight your background is even tougher. Try to balance the essay so that the security concerns that I mentioned doesn't become the end result of your written work. Better yet, try to pick a different topic for it.

My apologies for being so blunt. I just want to be truthful with you and let you know that the essay that you wrote might not prove to be as beneficial as you hoped it would be. I will understand if you think otherwise and ignore my advice. I apologize for hurting your feelings.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Writing Task2] - Hiring people with only practical skills and not looking at their education [3]

@purushotham you did a very good job in representing your opening statement and paragraph discussion presentation. I can tell that you have been reading the advice that has been offered to other students here and that paid off in the TA section of your presentation. The problem, is that your body paragraphs did not accurately defend your point of view. Remember, when you create your argumentative side in the opening statement, you need to be prepared to defend it against the opposing side as well. This essay failed to do that which means that your "extent" discussion turned into a discussion that did not really balance the discussion. Your paragraphs also represents too many run-on sentences in the presentation which affected the cohesiveness and coherence of your presentation. Try to limit your presentations to only one reason at a time so that you can gain a higher score in that section. Also, make sure that you use examples that are more identifiable to the examiner.

Rather than Edison, you could have used Steve Jobs or Mark Zuckerberg as justifications for your opinion that formal education is not as important as technical education, but that technical education will still have a purpose in the future. These two men finished some college, gaining partial theoretical knowledge that they used to advance their practical skills in the real world. This would have brought forth a more understandable reason for the need for theoretical knowledge, no matter how little, in the future.

Your second reason does not relate to the requirements of the prompt discussion. In order to support the idea that purely technical skills may be required in the future, I would have explained something about the guy who only learned how to fix cars in shop class while in high school, then went on to open his own garage shop instead of going to college, which is the business that is keeping him financially stable today. Or, I would have revised it a little to explain that people who have technical skills tend to be hired faster by employers because they expect lower salaries when they are starting out in their jobs when compared to those with certificates and diplomas.

Now, the reasoning I stated above may not work for you. These are just samples of how I would have approached the discussion in order to keep the response more in line with the prompt requirements. Anyway, good work on the TA. You will need to work more on presenting more appropriate body paragraphs though. Getting the TA component is just half the job. After that, you need to make sure that your discussion further strengthens and supports the TA. If the TA is good but the body is not so good, as in this case, then the essay will still get a problematic score in the end.

Writing Feedback / CBEST Writing Test : Explain if you have taken any risk in your life. [3]

Rajni, the essay doesn't really come across as you having taken a risk in your life. Instead, it comes across as you, being of a privileged upbringing and thinking that you needed to try, not risk, living an independent life. Notice that your essay spends more time establishing the fact that you come from a well to do and well connected family. The "risk" part was so minimal towards the end that it could be considered a mere afterthought in the discussion when it should have been the focal point of the presentation. The "risk" that you present isn't even really a "risk" because you had an option to fall back on, which was to return to your protected and privileged life with your family.

When the essay asks you about a risk that you have taken in your life, you need to discuss something with more meat. Something that says "I have a lot to lose if I don't succeed in this." For example, if you had said that you cut off all communication, relation, and financial support from your family when you decided to go to Delhi, then the story would have been quite different. If your parents had disowned you because you wanted to take a path they did not approve of, then that shows a clear "risk" in your essay. The essay that you wrote only shows that you were part of the regular demands of a graduate looking for a job, with the safety net of your family and their connections hovering in the background ready to swoop in and save you if needed. This weakened the "risk" factor in the essay and as such, did not allow you to create a gripping, involving, and convincing essay.

Scholarship / Scholarship Essay on "My goals as a graduate student of XYXY (Department)" [4]

Lydia, I understand that you were trying to go for a hook to bring the reviewer's attention to your application. Unfortunately, you gave your application a politicized tone in the process. As a student of international relations, you need to be apolotical in your presentation because your main goal is cooperation, unity, and stabilization of the world on a global scale. These factors cannot be achieved if your mindset takes political sides. Remember, there is no real winner in a political discussion, only hurt egos and bruised moral beliefs. That is why, in my honest opinion, I believe that you should remove the references to Brexit, the Chinese tourists, and Pres. Donald J. Trump in the opening statement. Your second paragraph actually works quite well to display the focus of your goals as student and in fact, best relates with the overall presentation in your essay. The political tone that you set at the start comes across as sensationalist and doesn't really hold true for the rest of your discussion, which doesn't relate to those incidents. By keeping your discussion on general terms, you come across as an open minded, adjusted, and true student of international relations. You don't see political sides, only a misunderstanding regarding race and diversity. Your goals are honest and pure. You already know about your problem run-on sentences so you need to correct those portions. The essay is going to be more competitive if you remain apolitical in the discussion and only focus on the goal of a stable peace in the region of the world of interest to you. Being political doesn't work in this sort of application because you might be misconstrued as advocating for only political point of view alone. You should try to avoid that sort of misconception that could stem from the presentation of your essay.

Writing Feedback / Young generations may be more aware on issues related to the environment and starvation [3]

Toan, do not over complicate the paraphrasing in your opening paragraph. You are relating information that is not included in the original prompt and, if you are not careful, could cause you to change the prompt discussion into one that does not reflect the original prompt instructions. The simplest way of paraphrasing this topic is something similar to what I am presenting below:

A comparison of the current generation's interest in social issues such as the environment, animal rights, poverty, and other concerns with the older generation has been discussed recently. It is believed that the new generation has come out as much more aware and concerned regarding the aforementioned issues. My opinion is that the younger generation does have a keen interest in these topics when compared to the past generations. The reasons why I believe this will be discussed in this essay.

Your line of reasoning is sound. However, you should not have presented the second point of view in this essay. You see, any essay that asks you to discuss your point of view alone means that you should spend the 3 body paragraphs defending your point of view alone. No other information is required. Presenting 2 points of view causes a prompt deviation that changes the parameters of discussion from the original requirements. You could fail the test when you do that because you should a lack of English comprehension skills. Just make sure to use the first person pronouns throughout the essay in order to remind the reader that you are presenting your point of view alone and nothing more.

This could have been a pretty good essay if you had stuck to the prompt requirements. Try to do that with your upcoming essays. The minute to properly paraphrase and discuss the essay in the manner expected, you will be a shoo-in to pass the test.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS TASK 2] THEORY VS EXPERIENCE IN FUTURE JOB MARKET [3]

Kenzin, until you can learn how to differentiate between the different prompt requirements for an IELTS essay, you will never be able to properly respond to the given topic and discussion format. I keep on telling you, from the very start, I have told you to ask for clarification regarding the discussion instructions. Ask your tutor, ask your friends, ask your classmates, ask your co-reviewers, ask your parents, ask anybody who speaks and understands English enough to help you figure out how to discuss the essay. I am truly afraid for you now because I know that you are scared and you really cannot possibly pass the test at this point because you cannot understand the English instructions you are being given. The problem with your essay is always the same. You do not discuss it in the manner required. This is an extent essay and you are once again, discussing it as a 2 sided point of view and personal opinion essay. Even then, your personal opinion on the matter is missing. Once again, here is a sample of the proper paraphrase that could have helped you to properly discuss the essay:

In order to get a job these days, it is believed that one needs to have more practical rather than theoretical knowledge. That is why there is a belief that in the future, job applicants do not need to have academic qualifications anymore. I strongly disagree / agree...

Just pick one point of view to support and stop creating your own prompt instructions. Only when you stop creating your own prompt discussion methods will you even be able to inch closer to a properly developed essay in response to the given prompt. If you cannot understand the question, then you cannot properly respond to the prompt. I am sorry to say this but unless you try to develop your English comprehension skills, there is no way that you can pass the test. Spend time practicing your English comprehension skills. Work on just developing your opening statement presentations for now. I'll help you learn the tricks regarding how to better understand the original prompts. Don't focus on the full essay development at this point. It will be impossible for you to do that without first understanding what the instructions for the essay are.

Writing Feedback / Is the speaking competence or the writing ability playing a more decisive role in people's life [3]

Feng, the next time you post an essay for review, kindly tell us what the purpose of the writing is (speech, IELTS, TOEFL, writing practice, etc.) so that we will know how to analyze the content of your essay. If possible, kindly include the original instructions from the prompt or your professor so that we can have a starting point for analyzing your essay. Believe me, you will receive better advice when you start doing that.

This is a pretty good essay that only suffers because of the examples you present. While I can understand why you chose to use an ancient Chinese ruler as an example, not all of your readers / listeners will be familiar with that person. This could cause them to be confused or disinterested in the discussion you are presenting. Try to go with a more contemporary or recent example. Anybody from the 20th century who had a problem with speaking in public would be a good choice. A Google search would be able to help you with that. Remember, anybody before the 20th century will most likely not be familiar to most of your readers / listeners, unless you are dealing with a specific demographic of readers or listeners who may be familiar with these older examples you provided.

At this point, I have to point out that you made some grammatical mistakes in using English words such as: "People trend to build..." should be; "People TEND to build..." Trend means a prevailing tendency while the term tend means to " go or move in a particular direction." Be sure to always use the term in the right context. If necessary, look up the word meaning before you use it. An additional mistake is "My roommates Lin..." Since Lin is only one person, that is the singular form of the word and should be indicated as "My roommate..." Roommate is the singular form of the plural word that you used. Let's include "his change occur", which happened in the past so you should use the past tense of the word as in, "his change occurred..." These small mistakes take a tremendous amount of good impression away from your written work. By the way, the title of a book is considered a proper noun and should be capitalized in your essay.

Review your writing rules as it seems like you have the most problems in that section of your writing. Everything else can be considered a minimal error and can be overlooked. The more major ones, as I pointed out above, have a direct effect on your presentation and needs to be addressed for correction.

Writing Feedback / Seminar report about the nuts and bolts of the graduate program [2]

Bonita, the summary regarding Henry is too short and uninformative. You need to expand on the discussion that he presented. Include some topic overview sentences. You don't have to go into detail about it but, you have to let the reader know that there was an interesting amount of discussion in his presentation as his information is also relevant to your survival as a student. An academic paper cannot start a sentence with "Or" as that connotes that a previous, but related discussion has already been presented. Since no statement has been previously made, you cannot use "Or" in that place in the sentence. Neither can you use the word "And" at the start of the sentence for the same academic reasons. Be cognizant of the English writing rules as you are now a masters degree student and you will be held to a higher academic writing standard than a regular college student. You should develop a concluding statement for the essay. This could be based upon the 5 questions that you posed which helped you to better understand the requirements and expectations of the student and professor of each other or, you could just summarize what you understood and how you hope to perform well as a student this semester. Right now, the essay feels like it is hanging. It isn't really closed in its manner of presentation so try to develop an impressive closing statement if you can.

Writing Feedback / Reasons and solutions for wasting food [4]

Linh, you are creating controversy in your opening statement, which is changing the tone of the original prompt from conversational to debatable. Always follow the original tone of the prompt by keeping your paraphrase logical and within the realm of peaceful discussion. Avoid exaggeration in your statements as that changes the task accuracy of the essay. If you want to score highly in the TA section, then do not over emphasize. Stay within the reasonable discussion setting of the original prompt. Therefore, the approach you should have taken was:

It is believed that millions of tons of food end up uneaten and thrown away globally. Very little is known as to why this sort of wastage has been happening.This essay will look into the reasons as to why this trend is growing and make a suggestion that could possibly help solve the problem.

Notice the consistently academic tone in the discussion that I represented in my paraphrased prompt? That is what the examiner will be looking for, logic and reason in the presentation instead of sensationalism and exaggeration. I am sure that you can see for yourself which of the two paraphrased prompts is more aligned with the original discussion.

With regards to your body of paragraphs. You should have divided the second paragraph into 2 at the point where you said "Another reason..." as that phrase indicates that there is a change in the discussion topic which should be placed in its own discussion setting / paragraph. This separation would have created a more cohesive and coherent essay, as well as offer you the opportunity to create far more complex sentence presentations in a format the examiner would appreciate more in terms of scoring.

Your concluding sentence is impressive but requires one more sentence in order to create a complete paragraph as required by the C&C scoring section of the test. You could have separated the last, long line into 2 sentences in order to meet that requirement.

Graduate / Anesthesiologist Assistant Program Personal Statement [2]

Kim, has anyone ever told you that admissions officers do not really believe that a child at the age of 7 can have decided upon a permanent career path that will follow him to adulthood? Well, that is true, they think that when an applicant uses an age lower than 13, which is high school age, the student is trying to simply make an impression on the reviewer. Since you are not declaring yourself a child prodigy in this instance, it would be best to omit the age reference in the essay. Just say that you were impressed by the medical care your cousin received and you decided that you would want to follow in the footsteps of those who took care of him while he was sick. Do not make any reference to any particular field of patient care so that you can create the impression that being an AA is the career you eventually settled on due to your shadowing of this person.

Remove the references to your failure in school. Retain the reference that you tried to enroll in the Pharmacy program before but failed. That will show that you have a continuously evolving interest in the medical field. Remember, the personal statement has to show that you have a continuing interest in the field of study that you have chosen. So you have to indicate how you evolved in your interest from Pharmacy to AA. Create the connection in order to explain the development of your interest in a clearer manner. Right now, the change is too abrupt and doesn't make sense. Additionally, it would be best if you can indicate what related activities you were involved in previously that led you to the choice of AA as a career.

Writing Feedback / Ielts General Training Essay on reading for kids [4]

Raven, while the advice regarding the grammar changes in your essay is good, a more accurate analysis of your essay is not possible. You have not provided us with the prompt instructions, that is the topic for discussion and discussion instruction, for our baseline in reviewing your essay. It is imperative that you always post the original instructions you were provided in order to allow the contributors to make relevant observations and advice regarding your completed written work.

Basically, the problem with your essay is that the second paragraph uses terms such as furtherly, which is part of archaic English vocabulary that is limited in modern use to scientific writing. An IELTS essay requires more commonly used terms and word considerations. So if you wanted to use the term "further" in this instance, the term should have been "futhermore", which means "in greater addition to". By the way, you need to be careful in writing your essay. Always make sure that you proof read for punctuation errors. At the end of paragraph two, you have a comma, which indicates that additional information is to follow, instead of a period, which would have signified the end of a sentence. Little errors like that mean marked points deduction in your GRA score.

Another sentence structure issue has to do with your presentation in paragraph 4. You were implying that reading alone makes children independent, and yet, in the second sentence, you said


This is a contradiction in terms so you have to make sure that you use consistent descriptive words. Otherwise, you end up changing the meaning in one sentence and rendering your total paragraph confusing. This will result in more deducted points for you.

Undergraduate / Storyteller. MIT Admission Essay - Something you do for the pleasure of it. [5]

Jenna, you are not so much a storyteller in this narrative as you are a keeper of memories. I wouldn't approach this statement response from a storyteller angle. Instead, I would call myself a keeper of memories. After all, each picture that you take has a story and memory attached to it. However, I don't see where "just for the fun" of it comes in the narrative. While you did learn something about communication from the activity, what other pleasure do you derive from it? You need to highlight the "fun"portion in it. Not all of the essays need to relate to your chosen major in response to the question. Some of them want to know who you are as a person, rather than a student. What do you do to relax? That it's what they want to know. How do you spend your down time? What relaxed you? What hobbies do you engage in? Information that tells the reviewer about how you spend your spare time will tell him what kind of activities you might enjoy doing as a member of their student community. Go for an activity that you do now that you are a matured person. Or explain why you still enjoy this activity after all these years. Why do you still find it fun after all this time? Has the "fun" angle changed for you since then?

Scholarship / I would like to express my deepest gratitude for this opportunity to apply for KGSP scholarship [3]

Heart, I don't understand, are you applying for an undergraduate degree course or a masters degree course scholarship? A personal statement for the KGSP is required only of undergraduate scholarship applicants. The masters degree applicants are required to present a letter of self introduction in place of the personal statement.

There are semblances of the letter of self introduction requirements in this essay but it mostly contains non-related information. Having reviewed your opening statement at least twice, I feel that I should be assuming that this is an application for a masters degree course. In which case, you need to revise a major part of your essay because it doesn't contain all of the required KGSP letter of self introduction information. If you review the application packet that you downloaded or received, you should see that there is no Personal Statement requirement. However, you should have seen that the letter of self introduction (equivalent of the personal statement) should contain the following information:

o Your course of life, your view of life, study background, your hopes & wishes, etc
o Your education and work experience, etc., in relation to the KGSP program
o Your motivations for applying for this program
o Reason for study in Korea

Upon further review of your essay, you already have the draft versions of the first 2 required discussions, with a need to develop your education and work experience with the KGSP program. You do not have any reference to the last 2 parts in your essay so you should work on adding those 2 parts in your essay. Without those 2 elements, your essay will be incomplete and your application cannot be considered by the reviewer.

Scholarship / MY CONTRIBUTION FOR MY COUNTRY - Career Plan Question for Chevening [2]

Ni, the one thing that Chevening scholars prides itself in is having the network to help you achieve your post study plans. Since you will be going back to Indonesia after your complete your studies, you should create an essay that will direct the reviewer towards the fact that you plan to utilize the network that you will have created as a student by getting a job at one of the companies or NGO's or government organizations that have a direct tie-up with a specific project being undertaken by the UK in your country. You have presented a general idea of how you plan to work in the industry of water care but not really in direct relation to a UK based project. Before you continue to use this essay, I need you to do some background research on the projects and affiliations that the UK has with regards to the waterworks projects in your country. Pick the project that you feel you are best suited for after you complete this course and then chart a career path that will have you directly working in this UK backed project or organization. Mention that you hope to use your Chevening network that you created during your studies to help you pursue your short and long term career goals. Specifically, in seeking employment in a related field, within a related UK based organization or company. That way, you create the idea that your long term career goals will always involve Chevening and the UK in one way or another.

Graduate / Post Degree in Business Administration Study Plan - UAE Canada Embassy for Langara College [3]

May, you need to rework this outline into an essay format because a study plan should be presented in that manner. It is an essay presentation that follows the chronological questions list that you were presented. Are you currently in the UAE and applying for a student permit to study in Canada from there? If so, then you need to adjust your responses to make it clear that you are going to be going back to work in the UAE at the end of your course of study. Connect the ties more to your professional plans in your country of residence, which I think, at the moment is the UAE. Your focus on your family, who are in the Philippines and Canada will most likely result in a questionable application. However, if you can prove that you have tangible assets in the UAE as your country of residence, and can prove that you have assets in the Philippines (with proper documentation), then you might have a better chance for consideration. Your content is laser focused, which is good. My suggestions are meant only for the points that i believe you can better develop in order to clarify that you will first practice your new knowledge in your current workplace, and only after that, will you apply it to the Philippine setting.

Scholarship / My priority is to learn Korean language. Study Plan for application of KGSP 2018 [2]

@frustrated open the essay with a reference to the fact that you will spend all of your time prior to arrival in Korea preparing for your TOPIK test. Mention that you will enroll in Hangul classes upfront and that you will utilize all of your prep time to ensuring the perfection of your Hangul so that you will pass on the first try. Don't use bullet points in your presentation because this is an essay type discussion. Since you will also be expected to work on perfecting a second language, don't neglect to mention that you will simultaneously increase your English knowledge as well. Make your preparations for that just as important as your Hangul prep work. Don't say you will limit yourself to blogging. That is a disservice to the opportunity that you will be given to pursue a serious education. Your outline is nice it is good but needs to be built up into an essay format. That way, you can fully explain your preparation plans and also, develop the English language portion of your language skills development. Your plans are all doable. Just make sure to balance the presentation.

Writing Feedback / (Paragraph contrasting food) Homemade Salsa vs. Restaurant Salsa [2]

Kaycee, make it clear that you are going to be comparing generic restaurant salsa with your family recipe for salsa. Then divide the presentation into 3 short paragraphs. The first, introduces the the two types of salsa and the question "what makes each different?" End that introduction with the sentence, "The only way to figure out the difference is to compare the restaurant salsa with my own Casillio family recipe." Then go to the second paragraph and explain what goes into the restaurant salsa that makes it different. The third paragraph, contains your family recipe and what makes it different. The fourth paragraph, should close the comparison by saying at the end, "That's what makes each salsa style different." I know you have a character or word maximum in the presentation so you will have to figure out how to make the changes to the presentation without using paragraphs. Basically, I just gave you ideas as to how to improve the statement. How you get it done, is something only you can imagine because you know the limitations of the statement response.

Undergraduate / Common app personal statement-- Overcoming failure at my dream school [2]

Anna, I would open with the rejection from Bak first. Then work my way back to the audition situation. That way, you grab the readers attention first and then involve them in the actual process of how you felt after the rejection. Going back to your six year old self by the middle of the essay as the reason why you decided not to quit when you were told you were no good. Talk about the sense of being 6 years old and told by your parents that your playing was making their ears bleed or something. Then display a sense of self motivation along the lines of, "not even my parents could make me believe I was not good at piano playing and I wasn't going to let some school prevent me from doing what felt natural to me." I believe that such a presentation would remove the cliche feeling of your essay. Try to focus on how you overcame that failure by using it as an inspiration to qualify at the University of Florida instead. That way, when you speak of imagining you were back at Bak, this time, it would be in a sense of knowing that you were better prepared this time and you knew that this time, you would make it. The lessons you learned and indicated at the end are good. However, it needs to be represented in the body of the essay through your actions leading up to your next audition. That way, you not only overcame a failure, but you also built a stronger sense of character and determination in your self.