Writing Feedback / GRE: A multi-national corporation should require employees to learn languages [3]

... the employees in a multi-national corporation are of different races , religions , languages and citizens with different mindsets influenced by their native country's culture and geography.

So to say an American citizen employee thinking style is certainly different from its counterparts from China or India.

However in the workplace, that certainly does not matter, as irrespective of countries or language, for an employee to grow in an organizational language does not...

By imposing on people to learn many languages to each and every employee of an MNC, we are surely putting a restrictions on them .

Today all the developed countries and most of the developing nations in the world have taken English as their official ...

However multinational companies can offer multi cultural training to make its employees aware of cultures of different countries, so...

Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Letters / Letter to my lovely aunt [3]

My Dear Lovely Aunt,

I am really happy to hear that, because I really miss you here.

I must go to my office tomorrow, but I will be home in the evening.

I think you will be arriving by train in the morning.

As this is the situation , I will put my house keyunder the vase of roses by the front door.

You could go to my house by tram but I think it would be better if you take a taxi even though it is more expansive than the tram, be cause the tram is full booked in the mornings .

Many people prefer to use that to go to their workplaces.

You have to tell the taxi's driver that you have to stop at ---Capitalize the street name--- number 08.

I think it is a good idea to have a party in the evening.

Have fun in school, and good luck!

:)

Graduate / "going to the doctor's office" - Physician Assistant personal statement [3]

I felt more comfortable asking questions, rather than trying to rush out of the office as soon as I possibly could.

The physician assistant was able to take the time to answer my questions, rather than rushing off to see another patient.

Whenever someone would start to bleed ,---This sounds a little funny, as if it would happen randomly.--- I would run to the drawer for supplies (?) and try to fix their cuts and scrapes.

I used more than a few on myself since I was sure every little scraped needed serious treatment.

Her brain was deprived of oxygen for too long and unfortunately if she would havehad survived, she would have been completely brain dead.

My favorite courses in both high school and undergraduate college were human anatomy,and physiology and biology.

Simultaneously, life experiences have shown me that it is essential to be caring, and they have also given me the desire to help others.

Nice essay! Good luck in school and have fun!
:)

Writing Feedback / "Stone and Dylan": Who has made an impact on your life; how, why is he/she important [2]

ButSo were my two brothers, Stone and Dylan, who were positioned beside me with the same weary fate of death facing them.

However, God was watching over us that warm August day however, ---I took the liberty of changing this sentence around a little, but either way is okay.---and my brothers and I were given a chance at life.

I was part of this unusual circumstance of being a triplet.

After all, I have lived and worked with two complete extremes of the spectrum my entire life.

...I was forced to try to make friends with people who honestly could not have cared less if I was their friend or not.

I ended up with amazing friends, incredible hobbies, and a reputation for academic excellence.

I love your essay!! Have fun in school and good luck!

:)

Undergraduate / "A Sojourn to Reality" University of Florida Admission Essay [3]

I was in the back seat of a comfortably air-conditioned Honda Civic, while they were outside in the disgusting smoggy streets.

His warnings went unheard as I stared out the window.

It was the equivalent of one US dollars , but it was enough to buy her and her brother a whole meal.

But iIt finally struck me that poverty is real and that my parents were once a part of it.

My ignorance transformed into guilt, and when I returned to America, I saw things differently.

I will instill in my fellow UF students to become positive contributors to society.

Very interesting essay! Good luck with school, and have fun!

:)

Writing Feedback / IELTS- Education- should graduates pay the full cost of their education? [3]

However it is disagreed that they should have to pay the full cost of their courses.

Different courses have different durations but usually university students have to study for three or four years to be qualified to graduate.

Third, they can prove themselves to be a valued assets to society with their capabilities.

Some of them are able to do the jobs that not many people can do. Thus, they should be paid more than the persons who only finish year 12 or have only a high school diploma.

...some students even have to work in construction sites where they would have to do heavy jobs and exert themselves physically very hard.---- At least it's better than having to ask, "do you want fries with that?"

It is hoped that governments will open some funds where students can borrow from and then the salaries they receive when they work will be partly deducted to pay back their debts.---I'm pretty sure this is what happens now, so we have student loans.

Good luck in school!

:)

Undergraduate / "more than just programming" - Cornell Engineering Essay [2]

Being part of a family filled with many computer programmers, has shaped my ideas and thinking into being more technical.

I've always loved taking math, science, and technology classes, when offered, at school.

However, during the summer after my freshman year, I first took a leap into the field of computer science.

I took a class in India where I learned about web development and designing .

Since then, my life's focus has changed to such an extent that I try to incorporate some form...

Every day ---two words--- I would spend about two to three hours helping these kids.

Through it, I displayed information about my school such as the timings, events, pictures and videos.

While searching online for top engineering colleges, Cornell came up high on the list, fortunately, because I have always wanted to study in New York, specifically at Cornell.

I believe thatBecoming a great computer scientist requires more than just programming, which I believe Cornell greatly exemplifies.

Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / Father's death / single mother / volleyball passion - Topics for UF admission essay [3]

I think the best one would be having been raised by a single mother, as you may have learned some great lessons from this which would help you not only in school, but throughout your whole life. The prompt mentions responsibility, accomplishment, integrity, etc. It seems like you could do much more with this subject than with the other two. Good luck in school!!

:)

Undergraduate / "What is Next?" Common App Essay [3]

This question has prodded me for years, thrust upon me ---I love this!

Throughout my life, I have been pressured to pare and sharpen my dreams like woodcarvings or prison toothbrush knives.---You're an amazing writer! I'm so glad I got this interesting essay to edit, instead of one of the boring 'run of the mill' essays this morning.

Years of imagining myself standing behind that blue podium have conditioned me to be inquisitive.

Seeking truth in its purest form, I realize that it is not enough for me to merely accept that which I am told.

I search for the common thread that sews my different spheres ----nice.--- of influence together, ...

Your essay says a lot about you, from your great sense of humor, to how intelligent you are. Whatever else you do, take some creative writing classes, because you'll shine there as a unique, engaging and very interesting writer. Have fun in school!

:)

Scholarship / "Simulation of Production Logistics for Beverage Industry" - Foreign Scholarship SOP [5]

For the field of Industrial Engineering, the desire to pursuea master's program through scholarship scheme is my only chance to prove my strong technical, yet analytical abilities that could not be populated ----I don't think 'populated' is the right word here.

...during my undergraduate program due to huge flow of study at campus.---does this mean you had too much studying to do? I don't understand.

Good luck in school and have fun!

Undergraduate / Cornell Interest Statement: Intellectual Interests [2]

"You're going to hotel school?" I can imagine it now.the bewildered looks from friends and...

For example, while watching the Olympics, though I have never had an interest in becoming a gymnast, the idea of gymnastics and how the body is used to create an art form captivates me.

...choosing a major and a program for the next four years of my life seems daunting, but I feel confident in the School of Hotel Administration because of the program's elasticity .---Maybe 'flexibility' would work better here?

The extensive electives offered in these areas will help with my degree while also satisfying my cultural appetite.

Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Writing Feedback / IELTS- : favorite pastime of people in different countries [3]

It is clear that TV, reading and hobbies are the most popular activities that people want to do in their free time.

In North America and Australia, people like watching TV, and 60% people consider TV as a main pastime .

One third of the people in Australia and USA prefer going to the beach, but no one in Canada wants to do it.

Sleeping is the least popular activity in this group.

In East Asia, two thirds of the people love reading, andthat is three times as much as in North America and Australia.

Half of the people in Korea and China like hobbies, however, they do not think listening to music is a kind of entertainment in their free time.

People in Japan do not like to share what they do in their spare time except reading.---Many people confuse the different spellings of accept/except...I accept the fact that except for me, people spell it wrong.

In two countries, England and France, 30% and 4% of people prefer reading and music, while one fifth like hobbies.

:)

Graduate / University of San Francisco Graduate Nursing - Clinical Nurse Leader Personal Stateme [3]

"In cadence! 1, 2, 3-1! 1, 2, 3-2! ---This seems to detract from your essay and make it less serious.

While working alongside ICU nurses, I gained a new appreciation for their ability to work in stressful situations, holding their composure, and their ability to look at and understand the bigger picture when dealing with a patient.

I understand the role of a nurse is not completely glamorous and that there are times where nurses have to do the dirty work, from pulling sheets, to providing oral care, and so much more.---This doesn't sound much like 'dirty work', maybe you should mention bed pans? :)

There are many aspects of caring and healing a person, and some of those duties are far from exciting.

I feel that I would make an excellent candidate for your clinical nurse leader program.

Here's all I could find! Good luck in school!

:)

Writing Feedback / Ielts Topic:Some people say that physical exercises should be a required part [2]

Different people possess their different reasons for their different choices.

From my perspective, physical exercises need to be included in the school day curriculum because they not only increase the health of students, but also improve their study efficiency.

First and foremost, learning healthy habits is crucially important to students.

It is a fact that doing exercises regularly will better...

Today, many students tend to play video games or watch movies rather than take part in physical activities.

If the exercises are required at school, students all benefit because they will exercise almost every day .

With sports activities at school, students can refresh their minds and relax themselves.

Indeed, physical exercises as a required part of the school day has an advantageous impact on students' health.

If students only concentrate on studying in class all day long, they certainly feel tired of listening to the teachers or answering questions in textbooks.

I agree with you! It also is important for students to learn sportsmanship, to work as a team, and to be fair. Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Writing Feedback / "wheat export among three areas in 1985" - ielts exam [5]

As can be seen from the line graph, there was a little distinction ---This doesn't sound quite right, as it seemed to vary quite a bit.

...in wheat export among these three areas in 1985.

Firstly , there was a slight decrease in Canadian export from about 18 million tons in 1985 to about 16 million tons in 1986 and then rose sharply to 25 million tons in 1988.

After this, the number dropped quickly to less than 15 million tons in 1989.

Secondly, European countries export showed a little changes from approximately 17 million tons in 1985 to about 15 million tons in 1988.

There was a gradual rise witnessed since 1988, up to more than 20 million in 1990.

Thirdly, Australia's export decreased substantially from 15 million tons in 1985 to about 11 million tons in 1990.

I hope this helps! Good luck in school!

:)

Undergraduate / "My education is not a cliche" - second admissions statement [4]

I haven't always appreciated the value of a good education.

I could hardly find anything to fix in your essay, but you should say something about your academic goals, according to the prompt. What do you want to study? Did the psychology course make you want to become a therapist? What type of classes do you want to take? What is it that you want to accomplish that makes this school the perfect place for you?

Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Letters / "a lot less stress on me" - Letter for Financial Aid [2]

I am writing to more personally explain my financial situation in hopes that my appeal for this bursary comes across clearly and accurately .

I have never been much of a spender, and such a large investment on a three-month experience seemed almost irresponsible, given my conditions.

Money has been tight for my family ever since we have immigrated to Canada twelve years ago.

At the age of 16, I acquired a part-time job working five days a week while balancing high school with work. ---If you tell what that job was, it will make your essay more personal, which could help.

Those four academic years were very stressful, to say the least.

Even with my parent's blessings to "worry less about money and worry more about enjoying yourself ", ---If you're quoting them, you must say it the way they would.

I don't wish to forgo a rare opportunity for self-exploration due to financial hardship .

Of course, I understand that there are plenty of other candidates who are in a similar position. to me as well.

Good luck, I hope this works out for you!!

:)

Graduate / "Mercy Flight ten minutes out!" - CASPA PA Admissions Letter [7]

After shadowing a biomedical researcher, I thought perhaps this was the path that I wanted to take,so I applied and was accepted to Albany College of Pharmacy.

Once I started my studies though , I realized that something was missing.

It was through my time spent in the lab, that I came to the conclusion that while biomedical...

It seems like you just at the last minute changed your mind, and now want to be a PA. Like you make it sound as if you're a respiratory therapist already, in the last paragraph, then suddenly are not satisfied with another thing. The part about wanting to become a physicians assistant, because you just finally threw it in there at the end, doesn't seem like it was thought out. I think you should at least devote one paragraph to what it would mean to you to be a PA. I hope you understand what I mean!

Have fun in school!
:)

Writing Feedback / (IELTS) What's the greatest invention in the modern world? [4]

Motorised flight , indeed, is an essential invention in recent society.

But when people add to it a precise title-the greatest invention-in order to emphasis its importance, I wonder that a large majority of opponents will put on a question mark at the end of the title like me.

Time-saving must be an obvious advantage, ---no comma here--- popping into people's minds .

With the accelerated development of the modern world, the saying that time is money has been viewed as one of the golden principles.

When a disaster, such as an earthquake, takes place, rescuers from home and abroad come to the first site within an hour.

Without motorised flight, more lives would be lost when the rescuers struggle to reach them .

Computers should be on the list.

This change is huge compared with the previous time when a piece of mail will take up to two weeks to deliver.

If you add that computers are also important, it seems to take away from your saying that you agree that motorized flight is the most important. You could say that you agree to some extent, but that computers are just as important?

:)

Undergraduate / "math dates" - Stanford Intellectual Vitality Prompt Asymptote [4]

Now,This may seem like a simple concept now, but as a ten year old used to ...

"The lines intersect at one point, they have to !

My mom always told me, "No , the distance is just a very very small number."

After throwing a small fit and having a few reoccurring nightmares about this mathematical concept,---This is funny, you're such a good writer!

It's similar to the idea of outer space; when does it ever end?

Funny and engaging essay! Good luck in school and have fun!

Undergraduate / Stanford Roommate Letter- My Wide Expanse of Passion [3]

This does not describe me at all, which makes sense because I do not believe in astrology one bit.---This is a funny and surprising sentence, you said a lot already about your sense of humor. It's great!

I'm a princess because of my passion for all things pink.

Passion is the one and only quality astrology-online.com got right about me.

I think your essay is great! It's funny, serious, and tells a lot about your personality. It sounds as if you'll be a fun roommate and someone good to hang around with and talk to. I really liked the part about spiders and snakes. Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Writing Feedback / Unfinished Argumentative essay. Students work while study. revising/thoughts [2]

For instance, a job added to an individuals busy schedule could help aid them to become more productive.

Even though, --no comma here--- many believe that students who arebeing employed throughout high school is a horrible idea, it could better prepare students for the real world.

Students who can uphold a part-time job gain excellent experience that others cannot be learned in a classroom.

As a result, students with prior experience listed on their resume show that...

Due to the current economic statutes , employers do not have the extra money...

The more experience one has obtained in a certain field, the more he has to offer."

Your essay is coming along fine. One trick is to read it aloud to yourself, that way you can pick up on little things that don't sound right. Good luck in school!

:)

Writing Feedback / Multicultural society is much more beneficial? [2]

To begin with, like the magnificent rainbow with seven colors, the variety itself is a priceless gift, and when it comes to a society, it's also true.

In the case of Vietnam, our homeland has 54 ethnic groups, and we all live together like one big family.

...and many more, bring us multifarious culture with many featured festivas , food, songs,...that we are so proud of.

Secondly, as a multicultural society, it contains many interesting features that attract tourists.

Adversely, it is said that a society with many religions , has a life style which is hard to control.---I don't understand this sentence.

As the world comes closer together, and the whole world is becoming a big multicultural society.

Have fun in school!

:)

Undergraduate / (where I can achieve all my academic and profession dreams) UVA Spring Transfer Essay [5]

I began to love my work, love my grades, and love of speaking with professors.

The freedom, along with the expectation of maturity, I experienced was foreign.

I wasn't working hard because I was pressured and forced, but because I truly wanted to.

Great relationships took root and sprouted. Such a relationship I have is one with my first Economics professor. He sparked my major interest and current obsession with Economics.

Although I do love UMW, I feel like my palate---Differnt kind of palate---"pallet" is for paint.--- is only being teased.

I have two reasons for my decision to transfer.

By allowing me to attend UVA, I plan to expand my knowledge and skills within the fields of Economics and Finance.

I ache for more ambitious peers to work with. I want to be the absolute best I can be academically and I want to do this at UVA.---These two sentences are heart felt and so great!

Accompanying my academic aspirations, ---No comma there--- are other, more personal agendas.

I truly want a place where I can achieve all my academic and professional dreams and I know UVA is the right environment for me.

You're a very good writer! Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Writing Feedback / "fulfilled the dreams and aspirations of him and his father" - my personal essay [3]

They come and go, fading into obscurity and unimportance as we continue to grow.

My father has been this image of inspiration as I have grown from a boy to an adult.

From an early age, my father was the symbol of guidance and support...

... my father would leap and bound over the fences of inadequacy and adversity, ultimately walking...This is some great writing!!

It is this unbreakable resolve to strive for success, that drives my..

Even in times of hardship, like watching him in the hospital bed recovering from a heart attack, he continued to convey his hard working approach to life.

It was these countless hours spent at the bedside of my father and others in pain that have me aspiring to become a doctor, and it was his teachings and his journey that have inspired my volunteer work around the community as an affiliate of many different non-profit organizations.----This would be better if you make a few smaller sentences, instead of this very long one.

Great essay, great ending!

Good luck in school and have fun!
:)

Undergraduate / "the neurology department in the local hospital" - common app paragraph [4]

Going up to the neurology department in the local hospital and checking on every patient on the floor compose of my Sundays.
---You don't need this sentence at all!

Volunteering at the neurology department fulfills my desire of exploring the medical field, andstrengthens my desire to become a neurosurgeon; it also creates a sense of belonging.

As an outcast from a foreign country, volunteering lets me feel worthy and experience the family moments which are not as accessible since I moved to Canada.

They strengthen me by sharing their life experiences and their positive attitudes .

Aging, sickness, and death are in evitable.

However, love and compassion bring people together to overcome the challenges.

Have fun in school!

:)

Writing Feedback / If we choose an animal to like, we should do our best to protect them [4]


I want to use this opportunity to teach you how to end a sentence. End that sentence! Put a period at the end, and be all done with it. :-)

Nowadays, pets can be found in many houses and apartments. The question of how to support them has been controversial among the people.

Do you see where I ended the sentence?

I'll also show you something about singular and plural:
First and foremost, animals are as emotional as the humans.-----Make them both plural, or make them both singular. But whatever you do, do it to both.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL:Government should regard investing in building roads as the most important [5]

Yes, that is a good idea. However, sometimes you can get the wrong idea easily if you rely on the dictionary.

Anyway, I think you are doing well.

Writing Feedback / "The Crusifix of Pope John Paul the II" - Describe an insignificant object [8]

Hey, isn't this word spelled with a c?
Maybe that is UK English or something... but check on CRUCIFIX.


Wait a minute, how is that an insignificant object? A crucifix is significant because of what it represents... not like an eraser, ha ha.

I don't think faith should be capitalized. Common noun.

I see at the end that you did a tiny amount of description. But it is not enough. I suspect that the purpose of this assignment is to practice descriptive writing. You are supposed to use an insignificant object and look deeply at the "suchness" of the thing, the crystal clear detail and experience of it. There you are in what you see; this is a reflection of yourself, because the existence of the subject is contingent on the availability of an object.

Undergraduate / (being an Advertising Art Director) Art Institute Graphic Design Application Essay [4]

I expect my education at the Art Institute of California-Inland Empire to help me get my desired career.

I look forward to the hands-on experience and the different courses that I'll be taking.---Maybe you could mention one or two in particular.

I have a strong passion for art and photography, and express myself through my work, and love to show people what I can do.---This sentence is too long, it gets confusing. You should say it all with less words or make 2 sentences out of it.

From all the art classes, painting to textile and design, in high school I can see my work progressing through my years at the Art Institute. ---This sentence doesn't make sense...do you mean your experience in art classes in high school will help you at the art institute?

I have already started an art portfolio, while furthering my education in art,and I want the accomplishments in my portfolio to progress.

The education that I will be gaining during the courses should help me reach my goals. that I'm looking forward to obtaining.

Good luck and have fun!

:)

Graduate / "our own individual chemotherapy drugs" - Personal Narrative for Physician Assistant [3]

I still remember---I took out the word 'still', because it is more dramatic without it.--- the look in everyone's eyes as we sat there hooked up to our IV's with our own individual chemotherapy drugs.

At 24 years old, I never thought that I would have to endure bi-monthly chemo...

Both of these women who worked with my oncologist were professional...

As I thought about how important physician assistants are in a variety of settings, I found a local San Angelo physician assistant who would allow me to shadow him in a pediatrics practice.

While shadowing, I learned many important lessons that are now...

This experience, coupled with my rural upbringing, made me realized that physician assistants...

Growing up in rural west Texas, my family was always treated by a physician assistant...

If he had a question, the doctor was always there to assist...

While shadowing Mr. Stevens and thinking about rural medicine, I realized that building relationships with...

As someone who uses every opportunity to learn something new, I enjoy the ability the physician...

Good luck with school!

:)

Writing Feedback / "The Crusifix of Pope John Paul the II" - Describe an insignificant object [8]

This report will describe my experience in Rome as the Pope held The Crucifix staff in his hand over me and handed me an envelope with a smaller version of the cross in it.

... as Bishop of Rome, carries a staff (also known or called crosier at all liturgical and official catholic celebrations.

Usually, A bishop crosier is , is a horse shoe shaped at the top ,---Don't leave a space between the end of a word and the comma.

Our Holy Father Pope Benedict XVI, Pope John Paul the II, chose instead to place a primitive...

This cross authentically designed as two pieces of thick logs tied by dark brown rope , depicts Christ with both his knees bent outward, at the point of death, trying not to give up his life out of devoted love he had for the world. sinful Humanity.

It is we that have been blessed and covered with the blood of Jesus Christ's , who willingly sacrificed himself on the Calvary, so that all may impact amongst each other him in life abundantly forever. ---This is very confusing! Please revise for clarity!

The prompt calls for you to describe an INSIGNIFICANT object, and what you chose to do your essay on is actually extremely significant for millions of people. Are you sure you should do this?

Good luck in school, and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / "Old Farms Road" - williams - you're looking out a window at an environment [4]

Soccer nets dot the wide expanse of grass, and I can see the river in the distance.

His daughter happened to play the same position as I did, and therefore, I didn't make the team.

Undergraduate / "My eighth grade history teacher" - common app on a person who has influenced me [3]

My eighth grade history teacher did his best to ignore every word that came out of my mouth. Looking back, I have come to understand how difficult that must have been for him-quite a few words came out of my mouth each day in his class. ---This is a great beginning, I'm hooked already, and can see that you're an excellent writer!

My strong opinions dominated, and I was prone to blurting out every one that crossed my mind .

I would sigh (loudly and obnoxiously) so that he would know how frustrated I was, and I would get a look-eyebrows raised, eyes looking over the top of his glasses-before he went on with the class. ---Awesome descriptions!! I hope you're taking some creative writing classes, as you will shine there.

And, ---No comma here!---for a kid who wanted nothing more than...

A year or so later, no comma here either---though, I realized the importance of what he had said.

Interesting and engaging essay! Good luck in school!

:)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Modern cooking methods have improved our life-style significantly [4]

Due to advances in technology , food has become easier to prepare in modern days.

People now can use kitchen appliances such as microwaves and toasters to cook their meals easier and more conveniently than before.

These changes make cooking so easy-to-use and time-saving as to improve the way we live to a great extent.

First of all, people have more time to do other activities they like since food preparation is no longer so time-consuming.

On the other handAlso, more people can sleep a bit later to go tobefore work because they only need a couple of minutes to prepare for the breakfasts.

...easier and more convenient, it is certainly great to produce diverse kinds of foods at home.

More men, on the other hand, are willing to participate in cooking that they had never done before. This transformation may bring positive impacts to family in some cases.---And has probably saved a few marriages!!

...to do other activities, more chances to select diverse kinds of foods and more willingness to cook meals.

...above, I would assert that this change has improved our lives significantly.

You made some great points!
Good luck in school!

:)

Undergraduate / Watching my mother painting walls and furniture; My FIT essay: Interior Design [4]

I began watching my mother painting walls and furniture at a young age, and was only able to watch , but it was enough to teach me creativity.

I remember moving all the furniture around every single m onth; I never needed to buy new things, because ...

When I started painting walls with my mother, it was so much fun that I couldn't imagineknew that I would like to do it for life.

Education at the Fashion Institute of Technology is a prerequisite to my making any contribution be it small or great.

I would be very grateful to learn from such outstanding leaders who can give me insight as to how to survive and thrive in this desired field.

Have fun, that sounds like a great field to be in!

:)

Writing Feedback / Technology or social needs ? Which should get priority over the other? [2]

Every governmental expenditure should be well thought out before being made.

This facilitates much of the bureaucratic activity.

Nowadays, computers are used in all areas - beginning with medicine and finishing with commodities payments.

At the same time, in the countries with low level of development,buying a computer technology might be as important as in a developed country.

It is vital to providing qualitative medical care as in developed countries .

It is important to provide good education, with computers being a means to access a huge information databases .

In underdeveloped countries is still used the extensive agriculture, which greatly diminish the productivity.---This sentence is confusing and incomplete, please revise for clarity.

Using computer technology might facilitate the transition to an intensive way of managing agricultural processes.

Here's all I could find to fix up. Good luck in school and have fun!
:)

Letters / "Marketing Coordinator position" - RESUME AND COVER LETTER HELP [2]

I would be a great fit ---How do you feel about ..."I believe I am the perfect candidate for this position, because of my extensive experience..."

My first one and a half During my first year and a half at Gensler I was a Marketing Coordinator. In that position , I created proposals, presentations, ...

I demonstrate a strong and clear business professional communication style to workworking with multiple people in a persistent and enthusiastic manner.

I am a well organized, detail oriented team member with excellent analytical and problem solving skills.---Great sentence!!

--------------------------------------------------
Resume

- Ability to work well withinas part of a team, handle multiple tasks and identify and swiftly solve problems

Core Strengths;

This looks great, good luck getting this job! Really, how could they not hire you, with a resume' like this?

:)

Scholarship / "knowledge, skill, and beauty" - FSU scholarship essay ARTES! [3]

Artes, the symbolization for knowledge, skill, and the appreciation of beauty.

Those three words are a falling action of the other. ---I don't understand what you mean by this!

First is knowledge, one must be given information to learn and comprehend what they have been taught .

Last is beauty, after all the attention given to your efforts comes the passion for what you do and thus beauty is born.---Well said!!

From the beginning of our schooling we have been taught proficiency that has lead us to obtain more and growth from learning.

The saying, ' practice makes perfect', is no joke, the successful ones in life have had the most practice and have been rewarded for their achievements.

The beauty you grow for your work ---This sentence is not clear, could you reword it?

Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / The children's library was my sanctuary. My wonderland. [7]

I was six years old when my sister was first got diagnosed with leukemia.

It took an unimaginable toll on our family, especially my mother.

She spent every night holding back her tears, and praying at my sister's bedside. ---This was actually fine the way you had it, I just thought this would sound good!

Because of that situation, I spent a large amount of time at the hospital, wandering through the long stretched hallways thinking; a child could be dying in one those rooms.

I sat in there for hours, jumping from one book to another,sifting through the many pages.

I felt completely at peace but my ultimate escape was an encyclopedia convenientlytitled "How the W orld W orks." You see, I was a curious child.

E ven though I was only a child, I knew it ---here is where you should write what you mean specifically. What is your calling?--- was my calling in life.

Sometimes you forget to capitalize the first letter of a sentence, so be careful of that.

Have fun in school!
:)