Scholarship / Sydney university - "Technology that is designed to delight its users" - AAS supporting statement 1 [2]

Ida, totally remove your first paragraph and make the current second paragraph your first paragraph instead. Just merge the information about your degree into the new first paragraph. The reason you should do that is because the opening statement is flat. It doesn't really help move the essay along, nor offer relevant information regarding the prompt requirements. That doesn't start for you until paragraph 2. My suggestion is that you offer an additional paragraph inserted between the new first paragraph and second paragraph, that will explain your "vision in interactivity and design thinking". Use a complete paragraph for that explanation because that will be the perfect foundation for your response as to how you chose your proposed course and institution. It highlights the personal and professional career objectives that you have which can make your essay stand out in the eyes of the reviewer. Right now, the essay offers a glimpse into this idea in your paragraph about your university choice. Such important information should never be a mere reference in the overall essay because it refers to the exact information required by the prompt. Adjusting the essay content to focus on that idea will help to create a unique application response on your end and hopefully, make it memorable to the reviewer.

Undergraduate / Letter of Motivation for Bachelor's degree Mechanical Engineering [2]

Moataz, I don't really see a career motive for your interest in pursuing a masters degree in Mechanical Engineering. By the way, you are applying for a masters degree and not a Bachelor's degree right? Those are two different degree courses. A bachelor degree, is taken after high school graduation. A masters degree is taken after a college degree is completed and ample work experience has been gained. Speaking of work experience, it doesn't appear that you have any at this point. Is this so? You need to remove the reference to your childhood interests. As a masters degree applicant, it stands to reason that you have some sort of work experience that has motivated you to seek advanced education. In most instances, this has something to do with career advancement. I don't see that here. Your reason for opting to enroll in this university is very shallow and reeks of researched information regarding the better known aspects of the university. The reviewer will be disappointed to read that you are not familiar at all with the university course offerings, its programs in relation to you course of interest, and the ability of the university to train you as an individual in this field. In my opinion, the motivation letter you wrote does not qualify as a masters degree motivation letter. However, it can work, to some extent, as a bachelor's degree motivation letter.

Graduate / GSIS program. Statement of Purpose for studying MSc International Trade in Korea [2]

Pham, this essay is more of a personal statement than a statement of purpose. In fact, it will be extremely difficult for you to edit this current work into a form that will even begin to pass as a statement of purpose. That is because the essay contains too much personal backstory, an extensive academic litany, irrelevant research references, and more. In other words, your approach to the whole writing process is wrong. At this stage, it would be better if you just delete this essay and start to write a new one. This time, base the information you will be writing upon the following guidelines for writing an SOP:

1. Talk to the reviewer about what your current profession is.
2. Explain to the reviewer how your work experience has led you to believe that you require advanced study in the field. This is your purpose paragraph.

3. Give a summary of how your college degree relates to your profession and what previous training or on the job seminars you have attended in accordance with your work requirements.

4. Explain how you hope to improve upon your current skills as an MS student as this university.
5. Refer to your 5 year career plan towards the end of the essay. Don't forget to highlight how the university training will help you achieve this goal.

Based upon these 5 directions, you should be able to create a more relevant and appropriate SOP. Please consider submitting your revised essay as an "Urgent" thread so that I can continue to review and advise you regarding the best way to finalize your response essay.

Scholarship / Reasons and Study Objectives Behind Proposed Course and Institution - AAS 2017 Essay Task 1 [3]

Monica, first things first, when there s a word limit or character maximum provided for the writing of the essay response, it is always best to stick to it. The reviewer will appreciate it if you can prove that you have the ability to follow the simplest of instructions because that shows a sense of preparedness for your masters studies and also, due respect to your reader. So whittle this down to the required word count. You know where you can cut paragraphs, it is fairly obvious to any reader so go ahead and do it. Get to the point immediately, do not waste your time setting up the discussion. If you cannot catch the reviewers attention by providing the necessary information or at least the start of the information within the first 2 sentences, you will most likely stand to lose his attention. With a 2000 character count, you are expected to provide a discussion of 1000 characters each for your criteria for choosing a course and also, your criteria for choosing the university. So revise the essay to better suit these immediate requirements.

Scholarship / Study Objectives Essay For Fulbright Scholarship Program 2018 From Pakistan [4]

Bilal, in my honest opinion, your essay doesn't really respond to the question. The development of your essay response should rely heavily on problem resolution in your field of work because that is the reason why you want to study abroad. Based upon the shortcoming of your university studies and your perceived lack of skills to deal with specific problems in your chosen field / profession, you should be able to come up with a more solid study objective for the Fulbright scholarship. Right now, this is a long winded but uninformative essay. Focus solely on your profession and why you believe you require this additional training to become better at it. In order to hasten the development of your revised essay, you may base your new essay development on the information in paragraph 5 as the basis for your new opening statement and subsequent information in relation to your study goals.

Scholarship / "How I Intend to use benefits from scholarship and possible constraints" - AAS 2017 Essay Task 3 [2]

Monica, all of your reference to the actual application of your course of study is vague and general in application. While the essay does allow you to use personal examples in the response, what you provide doesn't really quality as a complete response. It would be best if you focus your response on a personal application as a private consultant. That way you can focus the whole response on a discussion that better fits in with your concluding paragraph. Explain 3 methods of give 3 examples based on your private consultancy and then the that in with the obstacles in your path. Problems such as registering your business, profiting your office, and getting past government beuracracy will create the best for of response, based upon your current draft. Your collaboration ideas are alright, but it doesn't really let did examples of the applicable moments regarding your studies when compared to the private consultancy. Remember, your response here is just a basis of your possible future plans. This doesn't mean that this is exactly what you will do our experience as obstacles. The reviewer just wants to see how serious you are about your application by asking you these questions.

Scholarship / The road to abolish energy poverty from my country [4]

Azad, the first thing that you have to ask yourself is, "What was the prompt provided to me when I applied for this scholarship?" What is the topic that the scholarship committee has assigned you to respond to? Are you sure that your essay is responding to the prompt? I cannot answer that question for you because you did not include the scholarship essay instructions with your post. Do a self-analysis of those questions in relation to the prompt. Sometimes, the response that is written does not directly respond to the prompt, which is why the essay ends up longer than it should. Now, if you are sure that you are properly responding to the text, then you should eliminate portions like the first paragraph that refers to your childhood and the second paragraph about "Since I have opened up my eyes" because that does not refer to a proper age in the essay and is vague in reference. Rather, explain the kind of change that you want to bring to your country in relation to the energy crisis and how you hope to become a problem solver in this field. You also need to revise the last part of your essay. It is too exaggerated and the scholarship reviewers prefer only matter of fact, no over dramatized references, in the application essays. Just talk directly to the reviewer, eliminating all exaggerations and irrelevant references. That should help you to bring down your word count to the proper number almost immediately.

Undergraduate / Self Introduction Essay for Exchange Program in Ajou University [3]

fadhilatul, this is a very good character trait driven introduction. It shows how well you may get along with your classmates and teachers during your semester abroad. You have given the reviewer plenty to think about regarding your strong points as a student, a leader, and a person. The problem with this essay that I can see is that you are trying to pass yourself off as a perfect person, which no one can be. There needs to be a sense of conflict in the essay in order to make it seem more interesting. Talk about some of the weak points that you have had to overcome as a person. This could relate perhaps to the close family ties that you have which you hope to overcome by becoming an exchange student and gaining independence abroad. You see, when you write a self introduction, you need to represent the sense of personal journey that this exchange program represents for you. Aside from the academic gains, you need to discuss how you hope to come out of the experience as a better developed person through the cultural interactions you will be having. How will the university experience help you to become a better person? What do you expect to learn during this time both in and out of the classroom? Those are the interesting self introductory topics that could catch a reviewer's eye and make your application more memorable in the final round.

Research Papers / Classification of research methodology based on its application. [2]

Peter, what is the purpose of this essay? What are the parameters by which your research information should be considered valid? Why should I care about the content of the research paper? There is no sense of purpose to what you wrote due to the lack of a credible thesis statement on your part. Without a proper introduction to the topic of the research and what the purpose of the research, it is difficult for the reader to gain a sense of purpose or need to continue reading this essay. It would be proper for you to develop a new first paragraph, one that explains the basis of this research above the current first paragraph. Present the current first paragraph as your second paragraph instead. That would be more fitting because an opening statement is not allowed to refer directly to any quotes nor offer solid discussions at the start of the essay. Only an overview of the upcoming discussion is allowed as an outline or guide for the reader who may wish to read a summary of your research purpose prior to the full information presentation.

Scholarship / Task 1 for AAS application. Reasons for choosing to study the course and the institution. [2]

Bushra, try to balance the discussion of your statement. Offer no more than one paragraph to the background of your city and the problem that you feel it needs to resolve. At the moment, the concentration is on the background, which did not allow you to properly discuss the criteria for your choice of universities. While I understand your concerns regarding your city, it should not be discussed in minute detail in this essay because the essay only asks for the reasons why you chose to study specific courses at these universities. You need to specify the courses you decided to take and explain how these relate to creating a better foundation for your career in urban planning and design. At the moment, the reviewer has no idea what courses you want to be considered for admission to and how it clearly relates to your current skills or lack of skills. Address those problem points and your essay should be set to use.

Essays / Research - some ship's history, and accounts of its sinking [2]

Pam, just as with the story of the Titanic, find the backstory about the shipwreck and its cargo. What was the most prized possession that the ship was transporting at the time? What is the fabled story behind the item? Make that one of the primary focuses of the research. In order to create an interesting research paper, you need to find out interesting facts about the ship and then spin those into tales that will hook the reader in. Just like the fabled "unsinkable" Titanic and the fact that it did not have enough life boats to go around. Or the massive amount of jewels and personal possessions that went down with the ship, which were owned by notable people of the time. If you want to learn how to make your paper more interesting, I suggest that you watch the Titanic and Luisitania documentaries on youtube. Those documentaries are based on actual research so you might be able to pick up a number of pointers as to how to make your paper more interesting and what stories you might be able to use to hook or reel in the reader to finish reading your research.

Scholarship / STATEMENT OF PURPOSE FOR OFID SCHOLARSHIP AWARD - PAKISTAN RISK [4]

Farman, it would be best if you can focus on the reasons why you feel that you deserve to win this scholarship based on your career or professional background. At the moment, this essay is cluttered with too much information that doesn't really provide a solid focus on how your chosen masters degree falls under the qualifications of an OFID scholarship. How does your chosen career relate to the objectives of the scholarship and how do you plan to embody that criteria as a scholar? The purpose of your scholarship application needs to go hand in hand with your career goals. So similarities between your professional beliefs and the scholarship must be provided. At the moment this essay doesn't tell me why you deserve the grant, based upon the criteria set for the courses and students. You must write a new essay if possible. One that will better reflect the similarities between your purpose and the purpose of the scholarship.

Graduate / Personal Statement for Master Finance and Banking [4]

Vu, there are two points for major correction in your essay. The first, has to do with the first half that deals with the reasons why you chose to pursue this particular masters degree. The fact that you are applying for a masters degree indicates a higher level of experience in this field on your part. That also stands to reason, that your motives for applying for admission go far beyond the childhood fantasies that you had. A sense of maturity and professional responsibility must be reflected in your personal statement at this point. You are not a college student seeking admission to a degree course. That is why these childhood stories do not belong in this personal statement. Keep it professional. Relate the chosen major instead, to your current career situation as that is the expected line of reasoning that will show a relevance of the degree to our future professional growth. The discussion about the university is acceptable. However, the last part, where you discuss your future plans, that is something best reserved for your long term career plan presentation either as part of your statement of purpose or, as a totally separate prompt topic, depending upon the kind of essay prompts you got from the university.

Book Reports / 1984 - Georges Orwell - Book 1 Chapter 3 Essay ideas [2]

Pauline, surely you have managed to get more than just the extract from your professor or teacher in this class. The extraction will not be provided without some guide instructions that can help you to formulate both your thesis and an outline for your discussion. The thesis of this extract should be based upon how the government controlled the news media and brainwashed the people into believing only one version of the truth. Then you can perhaps explain why the government needed to keep control of the people by controlling the archives of history and the mindset or beliefs of the people. For a more effective discussion, you can relate the excerpt from the current events happening in American politics where the battle to tell the truth rages between the government and the media. Then lead into a comparison of the fictional to factual events. Refer to the instructions that came with the excerpt. I am sure that the teacher left you with some clues as to how best to develop and discuss this topic.

Scholarship / Communication and media - challenging world; study plan for scholarship [3]

Bambina, your essay does not completely respond to the prompt requirements. You wrote this essay without regard for the expected information. this is more of a personal statement because you did not accurately represent the facts of the prompt. There is no clear reason as to why you chose to pursue communication media as degree. If you notice, the prompt is not asking you what your previous college degree is, so that need not be mentioned in this essay. What you should be mentioning, are the reasons why you chose to pursue this particular degree at this time. Does it relate to your current profession? Or are you hoping to change your profession? You cannot say that this is your passion and use that as a reason. It needs to be more compelling and career driven in order to be extremely effective. I see that you mention this part in the later portion of your essay. You need to bring that up to the correct part of the prompt position. Follow the prompt outline in presenting your responses in order to make it easier for the reviewer to find your response to the prompts.

With regard to the university choice, include information about its academic opportunities so that the reasons for your choice are not just based on commonly known information as it is now. There is nothing about what you said that makes it clear to the reviewer that you took the time to get to know the university before choosing it. That makes that line of reasoning weak and unimpressive.

Book Reports / And the Mountains Echoed... Very confused with the thesis and overall structure of a literary essay. [3]

Tan, don't panic and keep your wits about you. Panicking will result in the worst kind of writing that you can develop. I am here to help you. I wasn't sure at first about how you help you better develop this essay. However, once you mentioned that this is supposed to be a comparative essay, everything clicked for me. In order for you to write a better structured essay, you need to make the comparisons between the two novels within each paragraph. Pick the points of comparison within the two novels first. Outline what parts your hope to compare and then look for the similarities and differences between the two. By using the outline first, you will be able to better develop suitable paragraphs for your presentation discussion. Don't discuss just one book completely and then discuss the second novel. These needs to be discussed in a related and seamless manner in order to better suit the comparative essay requirements.

Scholarship / Becoming a geotechnical lecturer in civil engineering major is the career that I want to pursue [2]

Putri, don't explain about the pedagogy part in this essay. It sounds like you are lecturing the reviewer. It would be best to skip that portion if you cannot make it sound less like a lecture and present it more like an integral part of your career advancement. The first part totally sounds like you are lecturing the reviewer. The last paragraph of the essay doesn't really sound very impressive because there are 2 ideas being discussed, which are both under developed. It would be an improvement if you can expand upon each topic in separate paragraphs instead. That way you can thoroughly use the information to highlight a proper career advancement on your part. Overall, this is a good response essay that just needs a few adjustments. Once you apply the changes, the essay should be in its final, usable form.

Research Papers / Memory Essay: Interference between auditory and visual memory [2]

Not being an expert in this field, I feel that you have somehow, managed to educate me about a memory process that I did not know existed. For a piece of research, that is an excellent result because you managed to keep the attention of a lay person on what you had to say and somehow, expressed yourself simply to be understood by most readers. The research presented seems to lack a personal supporting statement though, which makes it difficult to believe that you are also convinced of the results of the experiments. I would have liked to see some sort of personal justification or supporting statement via the introduction of your personal experience that would have aligned with the results of the experiments you presented. By the way, you need to proof read the essay for sentence structure errors. You are missing a few periods in strategic places. Aside from these observations, the work that you did is good and should garner you a good grade in the end.

Scholarship / AAS supporting statement (review needed) - Task 1 choosing my course and institution [3]

Audi, consider writing a new response for the required prompt. The response that you should be giving in terms of how you chose your proposed course must be professional in foundation. Masters degree students are expected to have some sort of work experience prior to enrolling in the course. The AAS would better view your application if you can show a direct relation to your current career and the profession based reasons that you opted to study this course. Perhaps the course offers you an opportunity to upgrade your knowledge or can assist you in developing a particular area that you find yourself struggling with in the profession. The last thing that you should be saying is that you never expected to end up in this career. The reviewer will think "So why are you wasting my time with your application?" Stick to the fact that this is your chosen career now, regardless of what your college degree actually is. As for your university choice, don't make it sound like the choice of this university is a no-brainer. The statement that you wrote makes it sound like you did not consider the academic aspect of the university in relation to the chosen course. Always make sure that you reference the academic side and mention as little as possible of the generalized reasons that one would opt to attend this university.

Letters / Motivation Letter for Master's degree _ International Business and Management [2]

Nguyen, there are only two things that you should represent in the motivational letter, which should not be more than 2-3 paragraphs long. The first paragraph, should introduce an overview of your interest in the masters degree course, as motivated by your current profession. Your college training is not in question here because this is a motivational letter. That information should be saved for a summary in the statement of purpose. In the motivational letter, just give an overview of your current profession and how this motivated you to study this course. From there, the second paragraph should explain the method by which and why you chose to enroll in this university. The final paragraph, should reiterate your desire to attend the university during the upcoming term and that you are available for further interviews if necessary. The motivational letter should not contain as much information as yours currently does because this is only supposed to superficially introduce you to the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 1: A line graph describing waste production of three companies [4]

Wong, you are short of the word minimum word requirement of 150 words for the task 1 essay. Falling short of the word requirement will result in a failure of the TA score, which could lead to an overall failing grade in the test. You need to try to write more words per paragraph in order to create a maximum of 5 sentences per paragraph presented. In this instance, I feel that you could have combined the first 2 paragraphs to create a more solid information foundation for your summary. There is also a lack of analysis in this essay because you only reported on the obvious information but failed to see that there were certain points where the graphs overlap with one another. Meaning there are some slight similarities between the groups that need to be represented as well. Without that presentation, your essay comes across as mechanical and lacking in information analysis. Based on the problems of your essay, I would dare to say that you cannot score higher than a 4. If you can improve upon the problems I indicated in your next practice test, you should show an improvement in your writing style and an increased score as well.

Scholarship / AAS Supporting statement No.3 about doing something meaningful for the society [4]

Your essay does not properly work for the prompt. You have to use a situation at your office or at a volunteer activity where you displayed leadership skills because that is what the prompt is interested in. Do not say that you were not born with leadership skills. Remove that sentence but keep the rest of the paragraph. It is a strong part of the essay. If you do not have a stronger leadership experience to share, it would be best for you to just use paragraph 2 and 3 as the response to the essay. It has a better feel than the first paragraph that you wrote. It also has a closer response to the prompt even though it isn't as impressive as it should be. Normally, the stories shared in relation to this prompt are those that are memorable or impressive. Try to think of something along those lines so that you can aim to make an impression on the reviewer because of your admirable leadership skills.

Writing Feedback / The transformation that happened on Taft University's campus from 1980 to 2005 is depicted on maps [3]

Huong, you again failed to provide a copy of the illustration that you were provided with for the summary. Why can't you do it? The instruction is pretty simple, just click on the image link and upload the image. I have already told you that I cannot accurately provide you with the help that you need to improve in your essay writing without it. I truly hope that you are not just being hard headed and uncooperative because what I am asking for is not for myself but for me to use in helping you. That is, if you really want my professional help. In as far as I can tell, the essay that you wrote might be alright. However, your opening summary seems to be lacking some important discussion points because it is too short and does not carry a relevant discussion outline. Again, without the image, I cannot tell you what information you could have added in that part to make your essay get a better grade. You lack a period at the end of your final sentence in the last paragraph. That tells the examiner that this is sloppy work and he will reduce your GRA score because of it. I am also not sure if you accurately accomplished the task expected because of the lack of the image. Overall, it does not seem like you really want accurate and professional help. I hope you will change your mind and be more cooperative by simply uploading the image for review use.

Scholarship / Owning a law company with a group of skillful associates - my future career [3]

Azaa, do not mix your long term plans, which does not tie in directly with these masters studies, with the possible contribution that the masters degree can make to your career. As you can see, you did not even refer to your studies anymore in these long term plans because the studies you will complete will only apply to your immediate and short term plans of up to 5 years. Therefore, the first paragraph works for the essay, along with the third paragraph, and the last sentence that could just be incorporated into the third paragraph. The combination of those paragraphs already creates a proper response to the prompt. If you wish to expand upon those 3 paragraphs, just focus on the contribution of the studies. Stop going back to a discussion about the Mongolian law practices or anything related to your country. The reviewer only wants to know about you in relation to the prompt. You have a tendency to keep deviating in all your essay responses. Please stop doing that. Prompt deviations in academic applications can only be bad for your application. Stick to the provided discussion and nothing more.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Summarise the information by reporting the main features of cement and concrete production [6]

Huong, there is no way that this summary can be properly reviewed because you did not provide the illustration that you analyzed before writing this paper. So, I will not score your paper and only offer you a general review. The work that you did suffers because of the lack of proper formatting. You have inconsistent paragraphs in the essay and a number of run on sentences in its place. Kindly remember next time that your essay will only be considered to have a proper paragraph if it is comprised of at least 3 sentences. You actually have a paragraph here that has 4 sentences, which is more than acceptable. The rest however have less than that so those do not qualify as complete paragraphs and you will be scored down for those errors. While it seems like you presented an accurate explanation of the procedure, it would have been better if you had, at a certain point, separated your discussion to better illustrate the point at which the procedures change in the production line. Overall though, this is an excellent effort that just had a few errors that affected the overall summation of the illustration.

Scholarship / How did you choose Master of Agricultural Sciences The University of Queensland? [4]

Agus, in my opinion, you will need to write a new response to the prompt because the discussion that you are presenting does not really represent the reasons why you chose to attend The University of Queensland. You should be discussing your current profession and why you feel that you need to upgrade your knowledge in line with the performance of your work tasks. From there, you have to delve into a deeper discussion about how you chose the university and what specific (non generic) reasons led you to choose this university. This prompt has nothing to do with your college days anymore. Focus on your profession instead. Unless, you don't have any and are one of those students who wants to go directly into an MS course? In which case, you will have a hard time justifying your reasons for choosing the university in relation to a career path.

Research Papers / Title: Why should people pay more attention to protect forest? - Introduction [6]

Tieu, the introduction tries to discuss too many topics all at once. As an overview statement, I am not sure that you are properly representing the particular discussion that you want to present. I believe that there is a lack of proper thesis representation in your essay. you need to narrow down you focus to the actual topic that you want to discuss in the essay, then work on developing your thesis statement based on that proposed problem. This is not really representing itself as a proper academic paper introduction statement. Instead, it has the look and feel of an English test (IELTS, TOEFL, etc.) which makes it seem more like you are practicing to write in the English language instead of actually developing an academic research paper. Try to use more academic terms in the essay and portray an academic tone in the overall presentation. This is a bit too casual for an academic essay. I think it would be best for you to try and write a new opening statement instead. That is always easier than trying to fix a problematic opening statement. Editing it would give you a headache. Go for the easier route.

Writing Feedback / Whether luck is important to success? TOEFL [3]

Selaf, here is the thing, with an opinion essay asking you to disagree or agree with a statement, you actually need to refer to the instruction in your opening sentence by saying either "I fully agree" or "I totally disagree" or a variation of such sentences. Without this actual phrase located towards the end of your opening statement, your essay can be considered non prompt compliant or even, prompt deviant, which would be worse because that means you did not understand the instructions that were given to you in the essay discussion. The opening statement that you have doesn't properly reflect the prompt requirement because it does not offer a proper paraphrasing of the prompt topic for discussion. This would have been part of the outline discussion that is part of the opening statement presentation. The first part of the essay that you wrote is actually best presented as parts of the body paragraphs. Not as an opening statement. Your concluding statement has the same problem. You cannot continue the discussion of the essay with new information then suddenly stop it. That is not a completed essay. Unless you properly wrap up the essay with a new summation of the discussion plus a restatement of your opinion, it cannot be considered a concluding statement. Due to these problems with your essay, I believe that an examiner would assess your work as a possible 3.

Scholarship / Scholarship contribute to the organisation's human resource development needs. AAS support statement [4]

Fajar, rather than discussing how the company trusts you to complete this and why they end you personally to take the course, it would be best if you focused on personnel development upon your graduation instead. The prompt is pretty specific. You have to explain what or how this knowledge transfer will help your company. Aside from finally having a highly qualified professional in the position, how will you personally, and the company, benefit from this improvement in your skills? Look towards the future for your responses. Don't focus so much on yourself. What you wrote isn't bad, but it could be improved using my suggestions. Be specific about your professional improvement expectations in relation to it being applied in your company. That will show the clear benefit you can provide the company upon your graduation. It isn't enough to say that you will be the company professional. You have to qualify the benefits in a manner that directly related to your current position or profession. What is the specific situation in the company that your MA will address?

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2 Cause and effect. Topic: Crime and safety in a society [7]

Her, there are two main problems with your essay that cause you to never reach your desired bandwith. The first problem, is the horrible English sentence construction which shows a lack of ability to formulate coherent and cohesive English sentences. The second problem, is that you have a tendency to deviate from the prompt topic provided in your discussion. The topic is all about crime and yet your essay included a discussion of natural calamities and disasters as one of its paragraphs. Prompt deviations are a definite mark down in the overall consideration.

The areas where you score the lowest, due to the observations previously made, are in the TA, C&C, and GRA sections. Since these 3 sections are pulled down to an average score of about 4 for each, your increased score is located only in the LR area, which is why you can possible gain a 5.5 in the final tally.

In order to improve your score, you must learn to stick to the prompt discussion, improve your sentence structure and grammar skills, and also, be more aware of the proper tense usage in sentences. By the way, there is a flawed line of reasoning in this essay. You say that the police force needs to be well trained. It is always assumed, in any country, that the police force is amply trained and can respond to any crime that is reported or in progress. Therefore, it is not correct for you to assume that it is the police force that causes the problems. Talk about the crime rate instead. What causes crimes? Poverty, mental illness, uncontrollable circumstances, the list of reasons are endless. How can it be prevented? Discuss how a person can protect himself from being a victim of crime. Purchasing pepper spray for personal protection, using cellphones to keep their loved ones informed or call for help, going home early... Think about how you would protect yourself and present that in the essay.

Writing Feedback / Having a gap-year is more and more common in recent years. IELTS Writing Task 2 [6]

ChiLim, your essay requires the comparison of the given information, which you did in an acceptable, but flawed manner. There needs to be a consistency in your statement, specially when referring to the graduates. Always say either "secondary school" or "high school graduates" because that clarifies the type of educational attainment being discussed in the essay. To merely say "graduate" is a general term that could refer to a number of educational levels of study completion. Since the essay implies a specific graduate level, mention it in the overall presentation whenever possible to remind the reader about the main focus of the essay. Another slight mistake in your presentation is how you delivered additional information in the conclusion of the essay and also, tried to influence the reader towards a certain decision regarding the topic. As a rule, no new information should be presented in the conclusion because that is only meant to close the discussion. Also, the prompt doesn't require you to persuade the reader so saying that "Teenagers need to be responsible..." is not only additional information but also, a method of influencing the reader, which is not required in the discussion. Everything said and considered, I think that this essay is still worth a band width score of 5 though.

Writing Feedback / Choosing the Urban Life - to live in the city or the countryside？ [3]

Blair, I think that this particular essay can only garner the highest score of 3. I base that score on the way that you present the data related to the topic for discussion. You focused so much on developing the reasons for living in the city that it took more than half the essay in presentation. Leaving only a few thoughts and words, barely a complete paragraph, for the comparison of countryside life in the essay. In this instances, the best way to develop the essay, for a possibly higher score, would be to balance the discussion. That means, offer an equal amount of reasoning and discussion for both sides that you are comparing in the essay. So one paragraph for the countryside, one for the urban living, and one paragraph, for your supporting statement. Or, you can combine your supporting statement / opinion in the discussion of the side that you believe in. That way, you present an informative essay that does not directly try to influence the reader towards a particular side.

Undergraduate / Including mental and autoimmune illnesses, stress, and psychological abuse, etc in Common App essay? [3]

Faith, are you planning to apply to the same college and universities this time around? If you plan to do so, then explain about your illness in the extenuating circumstances essay that asks why you failed to gain acceptance the first time or how your situation has changed since you last applied for admission. That should help you to explain why your first application went so badly at their school. For the fresh universities, you can probably use the background essay prompt to describe the illness and its effect on you / you and your family. You should definitely share the history of your illnesses with the university because the professors need to take note of your "special needs" as a student and thus, make accommodations for any shortcoming that you may have in their classes. Pick the prompt that will best allow you to explain the background of your illnesses this time around but do not go overboard the way you did here. Control the information and release it only a need to know basis, depending upon the prompt requirement.

Writing Feedback / Clothes, travel, film and music's online sale of four different retailers [3]

Ahmad, I think that this essay presentation of worthy of a band score of 7. It is highly accurate in terms of representing the pie chart discussions and you did your best to discuss the offered information. While I feel that some deeper analysis and presentation could be done in order to better utilize the information presented, you did a good enough job of removing the mechanical presentation feel of the data. Your opening summary / overview is also impressive because you knew to provide an overview of the information provided, along with a discussion outline, which you also managed to follow within your own presentation. Basically, the essay is admirable in both content and presentation, as far as I am concerned. However, it would have been nice to see a more threshed out discussion of the percentage points in the essay. Overall though, the essay works for its purpose in a manner that helps to increase your final score.

Writing Feedback / Excessive usage of cars - problems and solutions [3]

Thuy, though there is no word limit on the Task 2 essay, I am wondering if the sheer length of this essay that you wrote was accomplished within the time frame. Writing more than 300 words is a feat, even for the most seasoned writer, when it has to be written under time pressure. That fact that you have to draft, review, and finalize the essay within a given time frame tells me that you probably did not use a timer in this instance. There is no way those 3 procedures could have been complete in the given time, based upon the length of this essay. So I am not sure if I should actually score this essay because it did not follow the mandatory requirements of a practice test. If I were to score this essay though, I would give it a 5 at the most due to the apprehensions that I mentioned earlier in this review. Your discussion is strong and well developed. The sentence requirements were met and you presented an informed discussion to the reader. Good work. Remember my concerns about your time use for your next practice test though.

Writing Feedback / Advantages and disadvantages of Fairmont Island - chart summary [2]

Micol, for consistency, please always indicate the percentage throughout your presentation rather than saying "half, a third, a fifth". The actual mention of the percentage shows a clearer analytical practice on your part when compared to the ballpark figure type of presentation as this indicates you are guessing the figures of the data when the pie charts show otherwise. Remember, you are judged greatly on your analytical abilities in the Task 1 essay so you need to develop that work further. Additionally, you need to improve your overview statement at the start of the essay. Make sure to present a clear overview and outline of the upcoming discussion by indicating the topics rather than offering actual information based on the data provided. Overall, this is a pretty good writing job that will probably score a 6 at the most in an actual setting.

Writing Feedback / Speaking same language in the future is good or bad? [2]

Nguyen, I will be generous here and offer you a score of somewhere between 3 and 4 for this essay. Your actual score would depend upon the minor considerations that the actual examiner would have for this prompt requirement in an actual test. I am giving you a ballpark figure because your work is not as bad as it would seem to be. The main problem with your work is that you did not accurately follow the prompt instructions. This is not a comparison essay but rather, a single opinion essay as provided by the prompt instruction that indicates "Do you think this is a positive OR negative...". In this instance, "OR" is the key instruction word. It meant that you should have chosen only one side to discuss in the essay as a personal opinion. Had the instruction indicated "Discuss both sides..." Then you could have used your "both positive and negative" discussion style in the response. It is the method of your response that your score actually got pulled down immensely.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2 - Causes and solutions (Topic: Museums and Historical sites) [2]

Vuu, good work on writing 200 words for this essay. That sort of word count can definitely increase your chances of getting a higher score because you have a better opportunity of proving your abilities in the LR, C&C, and GRA sections of the essay. However, the GRA and TA section will not have a marked increase in scoring because you did not meet the 3 sentence minimum in some instances of the paragraphs within your essay. Always work towards meeting the maximum 5 sentence requirement per paragraph in order to better increase your overall chances. The way that you wrote the essay shows a clear understanding of the prompt. Although, this understanding had a little problem when it came to consistency in the presentation of your discussion. In the opening statement, you mentioned the locals at the start, then merely said "people" later on in the paragraph. "Locals" and "people" are two different things since "people" can refer to anyone. The correct term would have been "local people" in order to remain prompt specific and thus, increase your score.

Writing Feedback / New medicines on the market at the expense of animals [3]

Fiza, the current score that you can get for this essay is no higher than a 4. While you did a good job of paraphrasing the prompt topic and instructions for the discussion, you failed to properly discuss the outlined instructions in the paper. What I mean to say is that the way that you presented the discussion should have clearly indicated which side of the topic you were discussing (pro or con) in every paragraph. At the moment, it appears that the whole body of the paragraphs discuss only your personal opinion instead of the pro, con, your opinion (in no particular order), discussion that the final instruction required. It is because of this problem with your presentation that you got the low score. Always remember to counter check your prompt discussion outline against the required discussion. That is the reason why you were not able to properly address the prompt requirement in this instance. By making sure that you represent all the discussion points in your essay, you will be able to better increase your score chances.

Scholarship / I choosed Australia National University. Need your help in checking my essay down below. [4]

Vitha, this essay does not specifically address the prompt requirements. Where is the name of the course that you chose to attend? Since you listed two universities, I should be seeing at least 2 masters degree courses aligned with specific course criteria that helped you to choose these masters degrees. You laid out a general foundation for your choices in the essay. That is good but what we really need are the specific reasons why you chose the two masters degree choices. The same goes for the university choices. You mentioned 2 universities based upon commonly known information. We need to know why you chose these degrees at these universities based upon a more specific knowledge of your career needs and requirements. If you lessen the generic references in your essay in order to become more prompt specific, the essay should better represent your discussion of the prompt.