Writing Feedback / Sports stadium - the changes in an American town between 1948 and 2010. [5]

Andi, your essay does not put all of the information that you were provided with to good use. You should have used the compass provided on the page in referring to the locations or directions of the development in the town over the indicated number of years. Since you did not use the compass, your presentation suffered in terms of accurate representation of locations within the summary report. This caused a sense of stress and confusion for the reader who was trying to analyze your work or use the summary you wrote for information. It also made the essay you wrote less informative than it should be. Remember, when you are presented with specific information in the illustrations, you must do your best to utilize the information in order to increase your overall score. The score increase will come from the complex sentences that you can possibly develop using the information provided, as well as prove that you have a good grasp of the English language through your lexical resource use. Based on these writing pitfalls that exist in this essay, I think you only possible score would be a 4.

Writing Feedback / Two Shops: The maps below show the village of Stokeford in 1930 and 2010 [3]

Restuan, even though you wrote a little over the 150 word requirement, it was not enough to get you a better score for this essay. That is because you failed to accomplish some expected tasks within your essay. Tasks such as an informative summary overview composed of at least 3 sentences, and the mechanical nature of the presentation shows that you just did enough work based upon the existing information. There was no analysis of the information and an effort on your part to present the information in a more personal way that shows a better understanding of the illustration you were provided. It was this type of writing that prevented you from increasing the possible final score for your essay. I don't think you can score higher than a 4 with this practice test. You need to try and apply your English comprehension and analytical skills in your writing. This will require you to better analyze the information that you are provided with and also, force you to write more complex English sentences. Both efforts, if successfully delivered on your part, will definitely result in a better score consideration for you in the actual test.

Writing Feedback / Buildings and environment - The maps and changes in an American town between 1994 and 2010 [3]

Diah, good work on the analysis of the essay. You were able to accurately use the map and the provided compass in the development of your paragraphs. I applaud you for creating a fresh sounding and less mechanical presentation of the information you were provided. You clearly did more than just take note of the obvious information. You actually bothered to create intricate connections between the changes covering the period provided. A minor mistake in your grammar though, there is an "n" where you meant to say "in". I think that was a slip of the finger on the keyboard though. Be aware of what letters you are typing and make sure to proof read your work prior to submission. You don't want to lose points on a technicality. Additionally, you did not bother to properly conclude the essay with a concluding paragraph. It would have helped to increase your score if you had done a concluding analysis of the content. A summary of the presentation that noted the most significant changes in recap would have sufficed. Your score for this essay could come in at a 6 at the most.

Writing Feedback / People house change - the village of Stokeford in 1930 [3]

Hermin, while your paragraphs are well representative of the illustrations provided, you did not really manage to present the most coherent and cohesive information in every paragraph. This was caused by the shortness of the paragraphs that you presented and some wrong formatting of the paragraphs. For example, in the first paragraph, you were expected to present at least 3 sentences in the overall presentation of the summary. By presenting only 2 sentences, you prevented yourself from improving your task accuracy score which would have proved that you understood the prompt requirements. All you had to do in this instance, was rephrase the instructions you were provided in order to create a proper outline for your essay. Regardless of that error, you managed to present a very interesting take on the illustrations, a presentation that would probably result in a score ranging from 4-5.

Writing Feedback / New buildings - The maps below show village of Stokeford in 1930 and 2010 [3]

Diah, excellent work in presenting an original take on the illustrations other than simply stating the mechanically obvious information. Your presentation shows that you analyzed the information provided and did your best to compare points of similarity and difference between the time periods. One question though, what did you mean by 8 periods in the first paragraph? If you meant to cover a period of 80 years then you should have said "80 years" or "8 generations", 8 periods is not the correct term to use in this instance as it does not make sense in the overall presentation. The excellent discussion that you delivered could garner you a score of 6 with this essay. You successfully applied your observational skills in the development of your information and presentation, which paid off in the final scoring considerations.

Writing Feedback / Change in town - the alteration of Stokeford village in 1930 and 2010. [4]

Septi, you can probably get a score of 5 with this essay. The essay could use some less mechanical approach to the presentation by appropriately presenting the comparison information. You did well by dividing the comparison into areas based upon the old and new land divisions. However, you tended to confuse the presentation because you merged the information for 1930 and 2010 during some points. It is always best to indicate the year you are discussing at the beginning of the paragraph and then, present the next year before you present the new set of information, still within the same paragraph. Don't leave it for the end. It is important to mention the year first so that the reader can keep track of what information is being presented within the paragraph. You did some pretty good analysis on this essay. However, the comparisons were affected by the problematic presentation. Don't worry though, you were accurate enough in the presentation that the information was somehow, still understandable by the reader.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 - Recent figures shown an increase in violent crime among youngsters [2]

Mayank, the first thing that struck me in your opening statement is the mistake in your term usage. You used the term infant to describe the juvenile offenders. Since an infant is aged 0-2 years old, there is absolutely no way these children can do the sort of crimes implicated in the prompt. This mistake in your use of lexical terms will cost you a tremendous deduction in lexical resource points. This shows a clear lack of understanding of English terms and the inability to use the term properly. While the rest of your essay supports your agreement with the prompt, this glaring lexical mistake, along with the problematic grammar and sentence development will result in this essay possible getting a score of 5. While your line of reasoning shows promise, the two problem points held back the possible higher score of your essay.

Writing Feedback / Two Coins - A company to build a large factory near your community [3]

Farid, when you write your opening statement, please do not forget to include your personal opinion as required by the essay. That is because the first paragraph needs to properly outline the discussion for your reader. It serves as guideline for the upcoming discussion and prepares the reader for the information you are about to present. In this instance, the paraphrased requirements does not reflect that your personal opinion on the matter is required. So when you present your personal stance, it seems to be out of place in the essay and becomes an non-required set of information. If it is not in the paraphrased paragraph, the assumption is, it should not be in the essay. Now, since the examiner knows exactly what the original prompt requires, when you miss presenting it in your essay, you will be marked down for it. Such as is the case with this particular essay. I don't think you can score higher than a 3 because of the missing prompt elements and, the problem with your conclusion. The conclusion should not have included your personal opinion on the matter. All required elements for discussion should be presented, at all times, within its own paragraph. Never include new information in a closing statement because the essay will end on an open note instead. A properly written essay needs to end the discussion in the final paragraph by presenting the summarized facts of discussion and a reminder of your personal opinion alone. Nothing more, nothing less. Points will be deducted for the improper closing of an essay.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2_women who do not plan to have careers should be allowed to get post-grad degrees or not [2]

Phone, your opening paragraph was almost perfect. Almost perfect because you dropped the ball in the last sentence. You should have completed the presentation of the opinion by saying that you are convinced that every woman has a right to do what she believes, when it comes to her education and that includes attending graduate school. The opinion that you stated was incomplete as it did not accurately address the prompt topic. You were off course by just a very little that it saddened me to see such a slip up on your part. Your arguments are obviously coming from a very personal place and reflects your strong conviction regarding the matter. This is truly one of the better developed essay discussions on this forum, regardless of the grammar problems. In fact, those grammar issues are so negligible that I am not hesitating to score this essay a 6 based upon the strength of your developed arguments. It would have been a 7 if you had just given a more proper opening statement and a better developed conclusion. The problem with your conclusion is the presentation of additional information regarding women instead of simply summarizing and concluding the essay. You have to remember that the closing statement can never be used to present new information as that requires additional discussion that will not allow you to properly close the discussion you have presented.

Graduate / Nursing is limitless; Nurse Practitioner personal statement [2]

Melissa, wanting to include the school motto or core values in your personal statement is a nice touch. Just don't make it so obvious by incorporating it into the essay using quotes. Try to make it seem like a natural part of your paragraph development instead. The reviewer will not appreciate the obvious pandering that the quotes imply. It would be best to incorporate it seamlessly into your sentence development, followed up by some anecdote or simple act on your part that proves how you embody those traits. The overall essay is well developed and really has strong potential. However, the concluding portion, that begging for consideration, doesn't come across well on screen. It would be best if you don't beg in the essay. Leave that part out of it and just close the statement with the hopeful paragraph above it. Remember, just remove the quotes and the essay will be all set.

Writing Feedback / Replacing Factories : The map below shows the alteration in an US town between over 62 years [3]

Restuan, the comparison summary essay should have been divided into sectors that represent each sector of the 1948 and 2010 era spaces. That way you could have done a comparison of how each part had changed over time. You have to work harder on developing a summary sentence because the one that you wrote for this essay is very confusing and does not really reflect the kind of summary overview that the graph provides. Your essay should be composed of at least 4 paragraphs in order to possibly gain a better score. Your longest paragraph is paragraph 2. There must be a uniformity in the length of your paragraphs. Each should have at least 3 sentences in and a maximum of 5. The way you wrote your essay is inconsistent with the requirements of a task 1 essay. Both your opening summary and concluding presentation are faulty and short of the required elements. As such, you cannot expect to get a score that represents your actual abilities. The score that best represents your abilities in this essay is a 4.

Undergraduate / State Drill Competition; Testing leadership abilities/ COMMON APP [3]

Lizzbetthe, going rogue and disobeying a higher authority is not a leadership skill that is to be admired. Even if it did help your team win a place in the competition. A true leader knows how to respect authority in the face of disaster. He does not go rogue and engage the drill instructor in a battle of wills. A true leader would have worked with the drill instructor instead in order to rally the team, calm the nerves of everyone, and get the team working together to solve the problem. You decided to show off by disrespecting the drill instructor. Everything that you did, though leadership in style upon first reading, quickly translates into a trait that shows disrespect for higher authority, a tendency to not follow orders, a tendency to usurp leadership, and a devil may care attitude. I suggest that you change the slant of the essay to one of unification rather than divided till the end. Involve your leadership skills in a manner that shows respect for authority, the ability to create a secondary leadership role without disrespecting the first leader, and an ability to bring a team together, even when in the face of near disaster. That shows a true and selfless leadership trait.

Writing Feedback / Which school facilities should receive money from the local authorities? [3]

Dang, the entire premise of the essay is not clearly presented in the opening statement. The topic for discussion seems to be presented however, there is no clear outline as to what the expected successive discussions were supposed to be about. Is this an opinion essay, a comparison essay, or an argumentative essay? The reader is coming into this essay with incomplete information and without forewarning as to what discussions are to follow. Therefore, the essay does not follow the correct format requirement. In any type of essay that you write, for any sort of English exam, the one constant is that the opening statement needs to present the following information:

1. The topic for discussion.
2. The reason for the discussion.
3. The kind of discussion that is to follow.

When any of these three basic opening statement features does not get included in your presentation, the essay fails to properly address the task requirements and information presentation. So the essay becomes weak and confusing the reader. While your reasons are understandable to a certain degree, I do not understand why this topic is important for discussion and why it is being discussed this way. The score will not be so good for this essay overall in an actual test setting.

Undergraduate / Pitzer Transfer - music & academics [2]

Moira, rather than presenting that situation as the opening moment of your essay, it would be best if you replace it with a reflection on how you began to develop as a student leader first, then present the story as evidence of the most recent development of that aspect of your leadership skills in relation to student engagement. At the moment, the essay makes it seem like you were thrust into this world without any preparation and yet, manage to succeed. While the whole essay is informative and engaging, it lacks a backstory that would help the reviewer to understand how you ended up as a student leader and why you have a natural desire to engage people, not necessarily students, into social activities. In my opinion, you should insert the current opening statement between paragraphs 3 and 4. By doing so, it will help to break the monotony of your essay which is currently very factual in presentation. By inserting the anecdote at that point, you will be able to create new interest for the remaining paragraph presentations.

Undergraduate / Trips to London ;Johns Hopkins Supp/ Interests [3]

Will, there is a disconnect between the opening story and the rest of the essay. You never did explain why your mom looked worried when the train left with you and your brother on board. Basically, the adventure tells the reviewer about your London exploits and how you enjoyed it and what you learned from it, but it doesn't tell the reviewer anything about you as a person. Who are you beyond this person who is always so academically inclined? This doesn't really reflect an interest on your part but rather, an expression of your continuing education. I think that if you remove the reference to "The Tube" and just focus on your trips to London and what you learned over several years about your personal development, as well as the increased academic interest on your part, the story will be one that better informs the reviewer about a side of you that the other prompts did not allow you to present. Focus on presenting either your personal and academic development or, make this a lighthearted essay about the time you spent on the Tube. Don't try to mix the two as it divides the focus of the essay and the reviewer.

Writing Feedback / The different condition of American town in 1948 and 1950 [4]

Antasena, you are required to post the image along with your essay for all your posts so that we can have a comparison point for your summary essay. It would seem though that you were able to summarize the image to a certain extent in the proper manner. However, the 154 word count doesn't help to establish the grammar range and accuracy of your work due to its brevity. For this type of essay, you must aim to write a maximum of 200 words in order to gain a higher score overall. Your paragraphs often fall short of the 3 sentence minimum requirement. This is why your essay seems to not fully inform the reader and offer a more complete analysis of the image your were provided for the essay. Do your best to create comparison points whenever possible and also, add a more personal touch to your writing so that you do not seem like you are merely rattling off the information as indicated. Such efforts will result in a higher GRA score on your part as well as an increased score possibility in the TA section.

Research Papers / Pressure on Teenagers to Go to College - Research Essay Draft [2]

Ashley, the main problem with your research paper at this point is that it is composed of more than 50% in-text citations. Should this paper be run through a plagiarism checker, it will be flagged as plagiarized. The only way to get around that problem, is to better develop the information in your sections and sub sections by utilizing personal experiences, opinions, and explanations of your researched information. Without the addition of your personal data and understanding, the essay takes on a purely textually researched approach which will not prove any true meaning or understanding of the research on your part. If you notice, each section of your research is no longer than a paragraph. A better researched paper will have at least 3 - 5 paragraphs per (sub) heading in order to show that the information is something that you believe in and support as a major piece of information regarding the topic in your essay. It would be best if you try to develop each section as best as you can in order to remove the possible plagiarism instances in the essay.

Undergraduate / "Applying for an exchange to CTU.. - Czech Technical University SOP [3]

Abhishek, remove the first paragraph from your essay. That is information that you should present in your personal statement. Its overall content does not reflect a specific purpose related to your current profession. Which leads me to my next advice. You must develop your professional experience int he statement of purpose in relation to the masters degree you wish to study. Since you do not have any professional experience indicated, it will be hard for the reviewer to determine whether you have the actual skills that apply to this field of study or not. Limit the discussion about your decision to attend CTU to two paragraphs towards the end of the essay. The statement of purpose should build a career related reason for your studies, in relation to the development of your current abilities or change of career (if such is the case). Your current SOP falls short of delivering on the required elements such as the professional career, college background, and relevant internships or seminars attended which helped you to realize that you have a need for higher academic training in this area. The information you provide should also help to highlight the reasons why this exchange program will benefit your future career. At the moment, I don't get a strong sense of that benefit from the essay. The SOP you wrote is weak and uninformed so it cannot help boost your application in any way. Improve the essay by presenting precise information as indicated above if you wish to gain a possibility of consideration for your application.

Letters / A plant breeder - my PhD cover letter [5]

Jasim, a cover letter is only supposed to offer an overview of the documents that you have attached. Your letter currently repeats information in the essays and documents that were required for submission. Adjusting the content of your letter is in order so that it will serve the purpose of a cover letter. This is done by removing specific paragraphs from the current version so that it will fall into the cover letter format. Remove paragraphs 4 and 5 from the letter because those are information specific parts. Better explanations of those paragraphs should be located within your personal statement and / or statement of purpose. The proper cover letter content comes into play with the use of the remaining paragraphs. It provides an overview of your data without repeating information, as is required of the cover letter. If you wish to, you may add personal information regarding your contact information in the cover letter. That can be added because you want to encourage the reviewer to give you a chance at a face to face interview after evaluating your submitted information.

Undergraduate / Physics major/ fitting with my interests/ my contribution; Why Columbia? [3]

Samuel, while the Ivy League colleges and universities in the United States are competitors, it is never a good idea to mention one or the other in comparison with another. They are still protective of one another in a way and do not take kindly to someone belittling their fellow school when that person is a mere applicant for admission. Remove the part where you mention other Ivy Leagues in your essay. Err on the side of caution and just stick to discussing why you chose to apply for admission to Columbia. Your essay is actually strong and engaging even without the mention of the other universities. Stick to highlighting the reasons you chose to Columbia and why you believe you will grow as a future professional under their academic guidance. There is no need to mention the other universities since they do not factor into the prompt discussion anyway.

Graduate / SOP for MSc in Renewable energy to DEVELOP THAILAND [2]

Derndinn, since your purpose for applying to this masters course has to do with a career change, you will need to do a number of things in order to write a proper statement of purpose. The first, is you have to discuss what your current career / profession is. Describe how this job relates to renewable energy sources and the kind of exposure that you have had in the field, based upon your current job.

The thing is, you cannot discuss your degree in Electrical Engineering the way that you have now. The discussion of your degree needs to somehow show an interest in alternative energy sources in order to somehow, make a connection with your interest in Renewable Energy. This is best done, not by detailing the discussion of your previous degree and accomplishments, but rather, delivering information as to how the course you took in college helped to fuel your desire to help develop renewable energy resources in your country. Remember, you do not have any direct experience in this field, so the only way that you can successfully apply for admission is if you can somehow show a relationship between electrical engineering and renewable energy.

There is a part in your essay where you discuss about new inventions and renewable energy. As an Electrical Engineer, you are in a very good position to experiment and help to develop these alternative and renewable energy sources. Play up that angle by discussing some ideas that you have for renewable energy development in your country, While you may not have the experience related to the course, proving that you have the passion to help develop this field and that you somehow have a usable ability to do so in the future just might work to your benefit when it comes time to consider all aspects of your application for MSc admission.

Graduate / Urban Design - PERSONAL STATEMENT FOR GRADUATE APPLICATION FOR MASTERS [3]

Chizaram, you will need to adjust the start of your essay. Rather than saying you have been interested in urban planning since childhood, say instead that you developed an interest in urban planning after coming to question the differences in the American cities such as New York and your town of Bangalore. It is important that you make the reviewer believe that you developed this interest in high school because this is the point in time when the bad urban planning of your city will have had a direct impact upon your development as a person and offer you an ambition regarding your profession. You cannot say that you have had this interest since childhood because the reviewer knows for a fact that a child has no ability to see the problems in urban planning and design, but a high school student just might see the potential problems and wish to resolve it.

Aside from the problem with your first paragraph presentation, the rest of the essay provides a good overview of information that you will be developing as talking points within your statement of purpose. You just need to add a quick reference to the university you have chosen and what criteria you used in deciding to attend that university. The reviewer is definitely interested in learning what it was about their university that made you feel that they have the best Urban planning and design graduate school. It is part and parcel of the personal statement. A brief discussion will suffice. You can further build upon the discussion, like I said, in the statement of purpose. Adjusting these parts will help to better focus the discussion of your essay and explain important aspects regarding the development of your interest in Urban Planning and Design.

Scholarship / Supporting Statement for AAS 2018, Media and Communication Studies [6]

1. You need to shorten your response. There is a repetition of information between the first and second paragraphs. Create a tighter and more informative response by presenting the second paragraph first and just incorporating information from the first paragraph into it. This will allow for the focus of the reviewer to center on your professional needs instead. Your new second paragraph needs to indicate the criteria by which you chose your 2 university options. What specific needs in your profession did the university have to fulfill in order to become part of your top choices? Explain how you decided to choose each university or the 3 universities collectively.

2. You need to pick only 2 universities and then revise your response. You need to provide some potential, real world application for what you will be learning. Right now, the response that you have sounds like you have not thoroughly considered how you will be applying these theoretical learning in your career. Once you finalize your university choices, you should be able to properly revise your response to be less hypothetical and more work application based. Strengthen this part by imparting information about your actual work problems so that you can have an actual application indicated for the lessons you will be learning. The creation of a professional scenario in contribution to your career allows your work experience to better support your application.

3. The story you presented does not show any actual challenge that you had to overcome. It sounds more like a simple office rules adjustment that did not really challenge your leadership skills. Try to find a story in your work history that had you overcoming adversity instead. This doesn't really impress the reviewer as a work challenge story.

4. This is the only part of your responses that does not require any adjustment. It works just fine in my opinion. You can keep that part as is because it is a thorough discussion of the prompt requirement.

As for the question about your thesis proposal, you should inquire from the AAS if you should submit a research proposal or not. It seems like it will all depend upon how much research work is required in your chosen course. The AAS people will be the ones who can best clarify your uncertainty in that aspect.

Graduate / Personal Statement - Operations Research & Analytics/Business Analytics for university in the UK [2]

Hao, you must skip the presentation of paragraph 3-6 in this essay because that information is not required in a personal statement. Transfer that information to your statement of purpose instead. This particular essay should only showcase the development of your interest in business analytics and nothing more. You will better establish that by not confusing the presentation with the inclusion of your academic background. With the removal of those paragraphs, you should replace the information with a discussion regarding the university and why you chose to attend there. Include reasons such as any potential internship programs they have, maybe there is a research lab that you can use to better familiarize yourself with the various aspects of big data collection, or, there is a student networking program that can help you develop professional contacts. Present a balanced academic, and social consideration when it came to choosing the university. Say some things about the university that will show your excitement about attending the upcoming semester there. Make sure that you portray the image of a student who has done his homework in terms of university choices so that your decision will seem like the best one that you could have made for your academic career.

Writing Feedback / Writing IELTS TASK 2 - Topic: Paper NEWS importance [3]

Dat, your essay is really very confusing to read because you use connecting words where it is not necessary. One example of the misplaced use of connecting words is in your opening statement's sentence #2. When you use connecting words unnecessarily, such as in the instance of the 2nd sentence, you end up writing a sentence that does not make any sense because there is no meaning to it. There is no clear subject and predicate indicated in the developed thought. Therefore, the viewer is left highly confused by what you are trying to say.

Next, you took the second paragraph and discussed all of the possible topics for discussion, in support of your statement there. That is never the right approach because you end up just giving information without really explaining how this supports your point of view. When writing an opinion essay, it is not the quantity of evidence that you present, but the quality of the evidence that you present which is important. Delivering one ore two properly explained and developed stands for your discussion will be more than sufficient. However, these need to be delivered as highly developed individual paragraphs and not as a continuous paragraph discussion. Aim for at least a 4 paragraph discussion presentation at all times.

Finally, the conclusion you developed is too short. Always stick to the required minimum of 3 sentences and make sure that you accurately summarize the previous discussion for the conclusion. You did an acceptable job with your conclusion. It would have been better though if you had presented at least 3 sentences in it for a higher possible overall score.

Writing Feedback / Fastfood is good or bad for our lives? [5]

Phong, you have a very solid opening statement. It gives the reader the idea that you are actually responding properly to the prompt requirement because you delivered an almost grammatically accurate representation of the original topic for discussion and the method by which you have to discuss it. As i rad your essay, I noticed that you used the name of a fast food restaurant that is exclusive to your area of the world. I suggest that you do not do that in your succeeding essays. As the examiner may or may not be familiar with certain things based upon your home country, it is always best for you to use more popular and international examples that most people might be familiar with. For example, aside from KFC, you could have used McDonald's, Wendy's, and Burger King, among others as examples of fast food restaurants. As for your conclusion, it could have been better written if you did not say "By way of conclusion" and instead said "In conclusion" instead. Also, a better wrap up of the essay is necessary since you are required to properly restate the discussion, reasons, and personal opinions yet again. Your conclusion did not accurately do that and also, came up very short in the minimum 3 sentence requirement for these essays.

Writing Feedback / Sentence Outline- Top 7 Steps To Make Your IoT More Secure [2]

Roy, your steps 2 and 3 are redundant. If you read the outlines very well, you will discover that you merely restated the same information in different methods twice. It does not add new information nor expand upon the previous information. You may want to rethink that part of the outline to offer some other information related to the security of the IoT. The topics that you have outline for discussion in the 4th to last outline are better suited for the discussion and avoids redundancies. So those paragraphs can be developed in your research with more efficiency than numbers 2 and 3. The information is delivered in a clear and understandable manner at this point. It is not so technical that only computer experts can understand what you are saying. It is understandable to even those with a limited computer background. Anybody who has a computer or an android phone will understand what the essay is about.

Writing Feedback / Which is better for children? to grow up in the countryside or in a big city? [3]

Pirfena, when you write a TOEFL essay, you are expected to present your discussion in a particular paragraph format. Your essay doesn't follow the required presentation that requires you to do the following:

1. Present the paraphrased topic statement and instructions for the discussion in the succeeding paragraphs. You may state your agreement or disagreement in this part of the essay.

2. Discuss the dissenting / opposing / disagreeing opinion using the first person pronouns "I, me".
3. Discuss the supporting opinion as per the prompt reasoning.
4. Discuss your personal opinion that agrees with the aforementioned opinion.
5. Conclude the discussion by presenting the summarized facts and a repetition of your opinion.

One of the problems that I saw in your essay is your tendency to discuss more than one reason per paragraph. As a rule of thumb, you are to present only one discussion per paragraph because you only have 5 sentences with which to defend your stance. Any additional reasons should be presented in a separate, fully developed paragraph. You must not present more than one opinion per paragraph because that results in an under developed paragraph or confusing paragraph if your command of the English language is not strong. That will cause stress for the reader, who may get confused and in the process, lower your possible score.

Essays / 5 paragraph essay on Louis Riel [2]

Kaylee, the best way for you to write this essay is to first, do some research into the background of Louis Reil. Where was he born and what was his life experience? If you can reconcile his place of birth, childhood and adulthood with the development of his mindset in terms of political and social beliefs, then you should be able to write the essay without a problem. It is short enough for only a quick research project but requires a long research process. Not to worry though, a quick internet search will offer you more than enough resources to find at least 5 reasons as to why Riel is a hero and not a traitor. Use the most accurate sources such as those that end with .ca, .gov, .edu. Those are the academically accepted sources of online information. I hope i was able to at least point you in the right direction to get your research started. Good luck!.

Scholarship / Personal statement for Loughborough University graduate school african trust fund [3]

Olorunwa, the personal statement is okay but lacks a presentation of the relevance of your studies to the programs that the scholarship supports. Why do you believe that you deserve a scholarship from this foundation? How does the foundation interests tie in with your personal or professional goals? There is a lack of depiction as to how the scholarship can really help you become a future success. It has to be more than just a mere mention at the end of the essay. It should be an integral part of the opening statement or, presented in the second paragraph at the very latest. Present it in accordance with your work experience if possible. Your academic performance is a good indication of the kind of student that you will become. However, as a masters student, you need to also show how your professional side supports the need for these studies. Exemplary employees are also considered a potential leader in his field because of the way that he applies his theoretical learning to his work conditions. If the scholarship committee can make the connection between all of these factors, you may come across as more deserving of the scholarship.

Research Papers / Caffeine: Friend or Foe? In the perspective of the child, the adult, and the elderly. [2]

Amber, I firmly believe that your thesis statement in the first paragraph needs more work. Try to find a more interesting approach to the introduction of your topic. The thesis statement is expected to deliver a clear background of the upcoming discussion in a specific manner. In academic circles, it not an accepted practice to start using cited information or offering specific data, based upon sources, in the thesis statement. It is best to save the citations for your second paragraph in order to create an academic presentation of your research paper. The rest of your essay doesn't really come across as redundant and your transition sentences are acceptable. You don't have to worry so much about the later content of your essay as much as you do perfecting your introductory statement. The whole premise of the essay can be build upon that paragraph and ensure that the reader will be glued to what you have to say until the very end. Or, it can be as it is now, not really engaging, and not really preparing the reader for the discussion to come. Work on your "hook" and the rest of the essay will fall into place.

Letters / Reconsidering my application - how to write a good appeal for sdsu? [3]

Tammy, the tone of your letter is too informal for an appeal letter. this must carry a serious and acadmeic tone at all times because you will be presenting this letter to education professionals such as professors and deans of departments. Therefore, a high degree of respect for their positions must be evident in your letter. Since you are applying for reconsideration, you should mention when you first applied and the reasons (if any), for your rejection as per their previous communication with you. Aside from that, you should also mention how you have improved your grades and other circumstances that prevented your previous admission. These parts should have least a paragraph each representing your discussion. This current essay of yours needs to shorten the reasons why you want to attend SDSU. Your desire to attend is already evident through the re-application process and your improvements as a student in order to be considered a worthy applicant this time around. Don't talk about what makes SDSU unique. The reviewers already know that. Just focus on the reasons why they should opt to allow you to enroll this time around. After all, a student slot at the university is coveted, so explain why you deserve a slot this semester when you did not qualify before.

Writing Feedback / "The importance of biodiversity" task 2 writng module IELTS [4]

Sabrena, the prompt discussion and instructions are not clear in your opening statement. The outline for discussion is not logically presented. Additionally, you are not arguing in this essay but rather, presenting ideas. Therefore to say that your essay will "argue suggestions" creates a conflict. A suggestion cannot be argued because an argument indicates a disagreement on at least two sides of the discussion which, in this case, doesn't exist as you did not mention any conflicting sides in your opening statement.

Make it a habit to only present one idea for discussion per paragraph. That is because you only have 5 sentences at the most with which to discuss your reasons. Presenting a second idea within the same paragraph is not possible as you will be unable to fully develop your reasons for that discussion. More importantly, please make sure that you do not deviate from the prompt requirement, as you did in the second paragraph, by presenting a secondary, unrelated topic for discussion.

The rest of your argument seems to be acceptable and allows for a logical flow of thought. While the grammar is problematic, your discussion is not so blurred that the reader will not be able to understand what you are saying. The discussion is acceptable and understandable.

Undergraduate / 'I have been an average student'; SOP - Good, Bad or Ugly [3]

Lakshyadeep, this is a good draft for a statement of purpose. You need to make adjustments in your essay in terms of the way that your academic experience in business and management was replaced by actual work experience. You need to go into greater detail as to the reasons why you were unable to complete your prior college education stint. Since you are what could be considered as a "dropout", the fact that you wish to continue your studies is a very important factor in your application. If you can highlight your work experience first, then the reasons as to why you require a college diploma will take a more imperative turn. At the moment, there are no extenuating circumstances that could convince the reviewer that the purpose of your application is a necessary part of your current job requirement. Your second paragraph slightly deals with this topic but you did not build the conflict enough in the paragraph to warrant the need for a diploma. At this point, your concern should not be pursuing an MBA yet. Rather, the focus of your purpose should be self-improvement in order to gain more professional opportunities. The MBA will come far down the road, possibly after 2-5 years work experience. So there is no need to present that target for yourself at the moment. While it does prove a sincerity on your part in relation to gaining a degree, it is not the end goal of your undergraduate studies. The end game of the undergraduate studies is first and foremost, to find a good job or, to secure future promotions. Discuss your future career plans in relation to your undergraduate completion instead. Close the essay by explaining why this university in particular will be able to help you achieve your future professional goals. Remember, you have the practical experience already. All you need to do is explain why you still need the theoretical basis of learning at the moment.

Writing Feedback / Cars on road, climate, and the level of pollution in many cities. [2]

Mayank, save for a number of grammatical problems related to sentence structure and lexical resources, you have presented a somewhat impressive essay. The prompt paraphrasing and discussion presentation in the first paragraph is very acceptable and allowed the reader to gain a sense of what to expect as per your upcoming discussions. You seem to have a problem with the use of capital letters though. You often use it in the wrong areas of the sentences. Just remember that only the first letter of a word at the start of a new sentence needs to be capitalized. Everything else after that, unless considered a proper noun, need not capitalize the first letter of the word. Your discussion is sound and does not cause the reader too much stress. Your English sentence structure is simple enough to get your message across accurately. You should be proud of the work that you did here. I think it can easily score a 5 with this kind of essay.

Scholarship / Being one of doctors - "the saviours of humanity". [3]

Tarik, your first paragraph is extremely long. This poses a formatting problem in your essay because you created a page that is extremely difficult to read. It would be in your best interest to format the essay into paragraph topics, as required by the normal personal statement format. However, I have to caution you about the content of your essay. It appears that this is more of a statement of purpose rather than a personal statement. For a personal statement, you need to explain only the following:

1. A history of the development of your interest in Medicine. You covered this in the first part of your extremely long paragraph.
2. Mention one or two extra curricular activities that you participate in, in relation to your medical studies. Limit the presentation because most of these will be used to beef up your statement of purpose. Just establish that you dedicated your life to the medical profession.

3. Discuss why you chose a particular university to study at. Remember to pick a university that is within the Erasmus Mundus network of schools otherwise, it may be difficult for your to get consideration for the scholarship.

4. Explain how you came to the decision to apply for the Erasmus Mundus scholarship among all of the scholarships available to you. How do you expect the scholarship to help you and how do you hope to pay homage to them in the future after your graduation? Discuss these as your closing statement.

Refocus your essay to sound more like a personal statement using the instructions above. Don't forget to register your essay as "Urgent" when you post your revised version so that I can continue to guide you.

Writing Feedback / How to support developing countries ? [3]

Linh, your opening statement is incomplete as you did not properly represent that your opinion will be discussed in the body of the essay as indicated by the prompt requirement. In the outline of the opening statement, you need to present the paraphrased topic along with the instructions for the body paragraph discussion. Therefore, the two points of view plus your personal opinion should have comprised the outline in paragraph one. Towards the end, your opinion should always be presented as a stand alone paragraph and never as a part of the concluding statement. The concluding statement should not contain anything more than the summarized body of discussion and a restatement of your personal opinion. New information cannot be included in a concluding statement as it is normally used to closed the essay. Hence, there is no space to fully develop additional information if it is presented in that section. Overall, this essay looks like it can garner you a 4 as a final score. The score is based upon my above observations.

Writing Feedback / Ielts task 2 - An increasing trend of living or studing abroad [4]

To, towards the conclusion, you used the term "personally" which indicates that you opinion was being asked for in the essay. The prompt you provided did not indicate the need for a personal opinion. Therefore, your conclusion should not have reflected a personal opinion, only a generalized point of view regarding the situation. The overall essay doesn't really have much problems aside from a need for you to learn to use transition sentences in a proper manner. Sometimes, your paragraphs lack a clear thought progression but that is alright because your thought process is clear anyway. That is not to say that you should not practice thought progression though. You absolutely must try to develop a chronological thought presentation in all your essays. This essay shows some more improvement in your essay writing development. I believe that you can score a 5 at the most with this essay. Keep up the good work and try to avoid the mistakes that you made in this particular essay in the future.

Writing Feedback / Flowers are something I feel; One thing to represent human race [2]

Jenny, this is not a bad first attempt at a draft. The idea of sending a flower to another planet is interesting. However, you should not just say "flowers" or "flower" in general. Each flower, as you describe, is just like a human being, with different personalities, features, and purposes for its existence. So, if you want to better focus the essay in order to make it more meaningful, choose a series of flowers to send that you feel share human traits or describe human beings. Don't generalize the approach because the aliens will not have any idea that flowers are different from one another. We know that, but they don't. So you should either pick a set of flowers and name them or, pick one flower that you feel best represents the human race. In my opinion though, since man is a helpful species, I would not send flowers but plants instead. That is because plants represent the good in man. For example, I would send an Aloe Vera plant because has healing purposes like a human doctor. As such, it would help to explain a few human traits such as being a healer and giving life. It gives life because it its leaves can be eaten, thus giving man life sustenance. A cactus plant, can represent both the good and bad in man because when threatened, it can cause injury. When dealt with properly, it offers water and relief to the thirst person. Or something like that. I think plants would better describe humans than flowers in another planet. That is just a suggestion for your consideration. A good effort overall though. I just think it should be better directed than this in terms of discussion.

Research Papers / Facebook usage among undergraduate students - research study introduction [3]

Linh, I feel that the introductory thesis statement needs to be revised. Since the focus of your report concentrates on the effects of Facebook usage among students, the opening statement should focus on that point. You can build the foundation of your research on how the social media platforms are often used by students in place of actual group study meetings. The social media platform has actually taken the place of a number of academic related endeavors such as poll taking, survey responses, and interviews. While the messenger system of Facebook has been often used as a file sharing service as well. By establishing that social media, Facebook in particular, actually has positive results for serious students, you can then question why Facebook usage among students has a tendency to result in lower grades as well. Doing a side by side comparison study of the benefits and drawbacks of Facebook among students will help you to better explain why the overuse of Facebook can have detrimental effects on students.