Undergraduate / "to become a music producer" - Acceptance into Art School for audio engineering [3]

The point of the essay is to show how serious you are and how well you have developed your plan. Do you know what I mean? Opportunities are given to the applicants whose ideas reflect determination and focus. Your plan needs to have details and short term goals.

I don't like the first sentence, because I think you should never talk about "my career goal" as if you have only one. I would revise that first sentence to exclude the word "career goal," and instead later in the essay you can list several goals associated with your music.

I think you DID do a great job of showing that you are focused and planning carefully. Still the essay could explain a plan in even more detail.

It all began with a _______ (add an interesting adjective here) program: Fruity Loops. ------Also, notice that I changed that ellipsis to a colon.

I don't like this word: self-attained

Today I am prepared to move forward into making this my career -- producing, recording, and tweaking my projects can only go so far without the schooling I need.----The last sentence was a fragment (i.e. incomplete).

Good luck!! I think you can have a great little business if you set up a little recording studio and offer studio time plus digital editing service and make it very affordable. A lot of people can benefit from your knowledge. You'll be like a consultant, and maybe you can make $40 per hour just by working out of your home studio.

:-)

Undergraduate / nursing is more than a job or even a career -REASONS STRONG ENOUGHT TO THIS COLLEGE? [3]

Let's use a hyphen:
life-changing

It is a cliche to say "it's an adventure." I think that is the slogan of the American national Guard, isn't it? Anyway, it is a cliche. Try to think of a more unique word...

In that second paragraph, I think a dash would work better than that colon.


I think this is a little to generic. To improve, I think you should focus more on nursing concepts and show that you are already reading a lot of articles in nursing journals. Also, google this: nursing patterns of knowing, porter

It will be great if you revise some of this to share your greatest interests in the field of nursing... specializations that interest you, or your philosophy of nursing.

I know a degree from your college will open many doors for me and launch my career. Stuff like this does not help. It is obvious, general, and not very meaningful. That is why I think you should give this essay a THEME based on the nursing concepts that interest you. Read a nursing article in a professional journal right now for inspiration! You actually only need to read the article's intro and conclusion if you want to get ideas.

Writing Feedback / (charts) EDUCATION ACHIEVEMENT IN WOMEN IN 1945-1995. [3]

I think you did a great job. Let me take this opportunity to teach you how to avoid a run-on sentence:

It is clearly seen that illiterate women who formed more than a third of the women population in 1945 has disappeared in 1995, in stead half of the women population in 1995 had a first degree. ---This is a run on sentence.

It is clearly seen that illiterate women who formed more than a third of the women population in 1945 has disappeared in 1995. Instead, half of the female population in 1995 had a degree.----I made it 2 sentences by adding a period to separate them.

You can also use a conjunction:

It is clearly seen that illiterate women who formed more than a third of the women population in 1945 has disappeared in 1995, and instead half of the female population in 1995 had a degree.---"and" is a conjunction. You can use it to connect 2 complete sentences together.

Add an s:
the illiteracy in Someland's women has totally eradicated and at the end of the period more women in Someland have higher education.----Do you see where I added an s?

Also, instead is one word. It's not "in stead." it's "instead."

Book Reports / Differences and similarities between Oedipus and Brick(Cat on a hot tin roof) [4]

Try googling this:
personality traits, list

That will give you a lot of ideas about personality traits, and you will notice some that represent meaningful differences or similarities.

You can also google this:
how to, character analysis

A good strategy is to write about how the characters changed during the story.
I think you have some good ideas here, and you seem like a great student.

After you write body paragraphs about the sims and differences, add an intro to the beginning, and let it express a theme that sort of described the relationship you see between the two --- give a thesis statement with a concept (a memorable word or phrase) that expresses the interesting thing about the relationship between the two.

Always write the intro last! :-)

I know you already finished the paper, probably, but I hope these ideas help you in the future.

:-)

Undergraduate / "The impact of the digital revolution" - Common Application Main Transfer [5]

This essay has something excellent about it. I'm not just saying that to be nice; it has that energy of inspiration.

Now, when you try to enhance the thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph, or when you enhance the topic sentences, pretend that the reader will only read the first and last sentence of each paragraph. That means you have to express your whole idea in about 10 powerful sentences.

I would not want to change this too much, because I am afraid changing it too much would disrupt the great presentation you achieved with the inspired state of mind that you must have had while writing. However, I suggest this for bolstering the intro: Add a sentence to the end of the intro paragraph, and make it a sentence that sums up the main message of the whole essay.

You can also use a memorable word or phrase like "magic words" in order to share with the reader a particular concept -- your theme. What is one word that perfectly represents the attitude you are expressing in this essay? Use that word at the end of some of the paragraphs.

You are a great writer!

Writing Feedback / Max Borders: New Threats to Freedom Essay Competition [2]

Regulation is "controlling human or societal behavior by rules or restrictions," and it spreads the span ofspans political, legal, and even social mediums.

Like all other political initiatives, regulations can bring benefits as well as harm. The best regulations are those where these said benefits outweigh the costs.

When one thinks of freedom, depictions of revolutions conjured by decades of civil unrest appear on a screen of the constitutions and documents our forefathers composed to ensure our liberty.

This picture of 'motion due to indignation' is stereotypic, and due to the increase in development in various countries, it is frankly out of date.

As countries urbanize and expand, governments and civil leaders move silently and cunningly with their methods of limited liberation. ---Nice sentence!!

Motivation is the weakness of the societal businessman, and when lacking, the paperwork and boundaries will never be processed.

You're an excellent writer! You made some great points, and your essay is well written and clear. Good luck in school!

:)

Undergraduate / "The impact of the digital revolution" - Common Application Main Transfer [5]

Nice opening paragraph!!

These are just a few examples of the impressionimpact new media has had on our world.

In an effort to avoid being just another kid with a website, I reached out to some of the major technology blogs like ...

I spent hours researching new technologies and products, communicating with the people involved whenever possible.

... the prospect of obtaining a degree within them turned out to be less desirable than I had anticipated.

As soon as I saw this, the path for the future became clear, and I knew a change needed to be made.

Secondly, I would like a curriculum with a foundation in the liberal arts rather than the more specialized and technical approach that is common at RPI.

Your essay is great, and I like the way you ended it. Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / nursing is more than a job or even a career -REASONS STRONG ENOUGHT TO THIS COLLEGE? [3]

It's an adventure, a continuous learning process that one embarks upon on each day, in search of life changing events and miracles.

It has to provide me with the tools necessary to succeed academically, and also to be a well-rounded individual. It has to be a place where I can feel like a part of a family.

They haveIt has allowed me to consider life from the perspectives of others.

Your university has a challenging and comprehensive curriculum.

I want to go out into the world and work during my life and nursing career as a ...

Having read your college guide and visited your campus, I am sure ***University is the place for me. to be.

Undergraduate / "Computer science and electronic toys" - NUS admission [3]

Sincerely following the advice of my class teacher, hard work, determination and disciplene helped me in achieving an excellent academic career in school and instilled confidence and a sporting spirit in me.

I actively participated in all school activities, sports, social and cultural ...

I always remained in the forefront when it came to public speaking.

Later I visited the NUS website, read informational brochures and realized ...

I'm sorry no one got to this sooner, but if you have already sent it in, it was actually fine without my small corrections. Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Letters / A new immigrant to Canada; Volunteer Research position Enquiry [2]

I am writing to apply for the volunteer position at your department.---If there's a specific department, you should mention it.

I have gone over your research project and found it very interesting.

I know that you don't have any job openings right now , but I will be happy to work as a volunteer in your group.

... information, p lease call me ...or w rite me at email ... Thank you very much for your time and consideration.
...postdoctoral research fellow with the Department of Pathobiology at Cleveland Clinic in Ohio, USA.

Do not capitalize here:
If you require any additional information, Please please call me ...or Write

postdoctoral research fellow in the department of pathobiology, Cleveland clinic, Ohio, USA.

If you require any additional information, please call me (xxx) xxx-xxxx or email yyyyyy@zzzmail.com Thank you very much for your time and consideration.

This is very professionally written, but you need to add a theme. Everything you write should have a theme. Share a meaningful concept that is important to you. What concept is central to your desire to volunteer at this place? What is the perfect word to capture the truth about what you are doing?

If you can think of that word/theme, it will be very impressive!

:)

Undergraduate / Game Design - "a special interest, experience, or achievement" - CMU Pre-College [2]

Since my childhood, I have been fascinated by wondering how video games really worked.

As I further matured in middle school, I would ponder upon my interests and what I really wanted to pursue as a career.

I enjoyed doodling on my computer, building things with LEGOs, writing stories in my journal, and playing music with my band.

For me, video games have evolved from a fun way to pass the time, to a vast medium that can be used to express myself.

I am looking forward to my future, and I am very excited to be pursuing my dream and helping to build the future of video games.

That sounds like the most fun you can have in a career!! Good luck in school!

:)

Graduate / "Experiences from Pakistan" - BU, Narrative about life [2]

Her tolerance, strength and determination in the face of adversity have always astounded me.

School was the one place where I knew criticism was constructive, and not an implied taunt, so I excelled there.

The persecution wasn't limited to my home; it was executed in school as well, where I was abused in front of my friends and juniors on the flimsiest of excuse s by my aunt.

The worst blow came when the guy---no comma here.

I got admission for my bachelor's degree in mass communication/journalism in hopes of achieving a good career in the future, though not quite sure what I wanted out of my life.

Despite the fact that I was an active member of a group of four students who ...

I volunteered again, in 2010, with a non-profit organization called Green Volunteers which collects money for the rehabilitation of flood-affected victims in Pakistan.

This is excellent, I could only find these minor things to correct. Good luck in school, though I don't think you'll need it!

:)

Scholarship / "less Hispanics in the Health field" - the field you intend to pursue [3]

As I prepare to embark on this journey to college, ---Don't capitalize 'college' unless you're referring to a specific one.

...I made sure to have ...

I currently attend a high school that offers not only the regular high school courses, but also technical programs that give students an outlook on what they may want to pursue in the future.

Being exposed to on-site work experience, sparked my interest in the field even more, and leaving me with the reassurance that the field of Pharmacy is what I intend to pursue.

Becoming a pharmacist---Don't capitalize 'pharmacist.
... speaking both English and Spanish gives, not only myself, but the Latino community an advantage.

Only because, ---no comma here.

...it is statistically shown that Hispanics are ...

If there is something that makes me happy, it is to be able to assist someone and make sure that all their needs are attended to.

:)

Student Talk / Can English Teaching certificate replace IELTS, TOEFL etc requirement? [8]

I consider English my native language, as it is the first one I learned when I was born, and is also the case with my parents.

Nevertheless, my family has traveled a lot, and I hold nationality and citizenship in countries where English is not the main language.

Since I would like to teach privately (to support my wallet during Master studies), I was pondering whether it would be worth itto pursue one of those ...

Since, in theory, teaching certificates should indicate higher language ability than a foreign language certificate, do you think this would be valid for graduate admission?

Here's all I could find to fix, all very minor. Good luck in school!

:)

Scholarship / "inspirational stories from other patients and nurses" - significant experience [2]

The first doctor I was sent to was an immunology doctor who turned out to be of no help.

It got even worse when I went to make my next appointment and the receptionist told me she couldn't get me in until next month.

The following month, my real doctor came back from vacation and said she thought it there might be something wrong with my liver.

So she sent me to a surgeon who then sent me to have an ultrasound, which was performed by very aggressive older woman.

It was like a déjŕ vu because he sent me back to my doctor.

I was back where I began; I was still in pain and continuallynauseous .

My junior year had been replaced by doctor's offices and hospitals rooms.

I gained strength and met many people who helped me in my time of need.

My lessons were replaced by inspirational stories from other patients and nurses.

You did a nice job on this, it was a very significant experience, and I'm sorry you had to go through it. You might just add a little more about what it has done to shape who you are, what you've learned from it all; suffering, patience, perseverance, etc. Good luck in school!

:)

Scholarship / "a fascination with numbers" - Educational Goals and Objectives [2]

Ever since I was little, I have had a fascination with numbers.

After receiving a Bachelor's in Accounting from UTEP, I will further my education by attaining an MBA from the University of Texas at Austin.

With both degrees, I plan to pursue a career as an Auditor for the Internal Revenue Service on both the corporate and personal sides .

I want to give back to society the money that they were unfairly cheated out of because someone did not want to pay their fair share of the taxes.

Here are some minor things to correct...good luck in school!

:)

Scholarship / "the defining moment in my education" -gaining scholarship for meritorious candidates [14]

The four year undergraduate program in Electronics E ngineering ---If you capitalize Electronics, you must also capitalize 'Engineering'.

My decision to pursue graduate studies in the United Kingdom is underscored by ...

The department web site revealed a very strong faculty involved in extensive research in the area of Electronics E ngineering.

If I can get the opportunity to be a part of ...

For the past eighteen months I have been working as a lecturer in the Electronics and Telecommunication department of XYZ College of engineering.

A cutting edge education program identifying the interests of the students coupled with extremely distinguished faculty and incumbent research facilities has encouraged and...

Receiving this scholarship will be the defining moment in my education, cha nge my whole life and a be powerful push towards fulfilling my dream.

I thereby request that you consider my application...

Undergraduate / Motivation / The Land of The Free / Jordanian -List and describe three unique factors [2]

In the wee hours of every early morning, I drag myself out of bed, worn out and tired.

In the cold darkness, I walk quickly to my bus stop, just to find out that I have missed it by a mere minute.--This sounds as if it happens every day. You don't want to sound undisciplined or unable to get up in time for school!

Having done it for the past three years, I have gotten accustomed to his hard lifestyle.

Even though they have not yet reached the ideal American Dream, it is my turn to take over and prove to them that I am capable of anything.

As a Muslim Arab-American, I have had the privilege of experiencing two completely different cultures and traditions.

I believe in a close relationship with my family, and do not take part in "normal" teenage activities such as drinking and smoking.

This is a great essay! Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Undergraduate / "Moved from Peru" + "Christian family" - Personal statement - UCF essays [2]

A few years ago, my family and I moved here from Peru.

I felt as if I was blindfolded on a roller-coaster, unable to see what was coming next.--Great sentence!

Once we arrived, life seemed to move at the speed of light and before I new it, it was the first day of school.

I honestly felt like a fish out of water, everything was so different, the way people dressed, talked and behaved.

The first months were extremely tough; I would get teased and picked on because I spoke with a funny accent and often times couldn't understand what people said to me.

Now, when I look back on that difficult stage of my life I understand that if it hadn't been for those situations I wouldn't be where I am right now.

...ever since I was young my parents have continuously taught me many values that I keep to this day.

They always stressed on the importance of being honest and respectful,...

Now, I must point out that like my dad, my mom is also of great influence to me.

Through her life and teachings she is always encouraging me to be grow more spiritually and become a better Christian.

Great essays! Good luck in school!

:)

Scholarship / "joy in coming across an old book" - Fellowship Essay, academic achievements [2]

Nice opening paragraph!

I was a favorite among my teachers, and fellow classmates referred to me as teacher's pet.

After completing my undergraduate studies, I started working for Zensar.

Though the systems were stable, I always strove to find out ways to further improve the performance of existing applications.

However, no one is perfect and I have made my fair share of mistakes.

If I had to choose between academic excellence and practical knowledge, I would say during the initial stages academic excellence is most important, and as you gain more work experience, practical knowledge is most useful.

I would be shock to hear you did not get the fellowship, as you're a perfect candidate, well spoken, intelligent and focused. Good luck in school!

:)

Scholarship / "Attending Texas Woman's University, Biology" - Goals And Aspirations [3]

I have been planning out the next phase of my life since my sophomore year.

Like many other high school seniors I am excited to experience the college life.

With numerous--small 'n' on 'numerous'.

... months of researching I found that attending Texas...

I plan to study Biology at TWU .

I plan to ---you could change this to, "I want to..."

attend college full time(at least 12 hours per semester) while working a part time job.

I plan towill put my best effort into my classes to be able to get into the dental hygiene program with no hesistation .

After I graduate from Texas Woman's University with an Associates in Biology, I am going to apply to...

I also aspire to have a comfortable amount of money. I also want a family; a husband and a child. --You don't need these last two sentences, they detract from your essay. Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Writing Feedback / Reflection paper-museum tour reflection [2]

With the nurturing perspectives, I designed my tour in a way which would give learners a safety but challenging environment.

In terms of the assumptions regarding visitors revealed in my tour , I think the most apparent one is that I assumed visitors are capable individuals-even if they are very young children-they have the ability to appreciate artworks and make contributions to collaborative conversation.

This assumption is not only due to my professional background,...

Personally, I always feel art museums are far away from my life, and even worse is that I am in fear of being judged by how much I understand the artworks artwork.

It might be possible that there were assumptions which were unintentional and of which I was unaware. yet I was not aware of them.

Basically, my tour nicely mirrored my teaching philosophy. -----great idea here in this sentence.

That last paragraph is very informative, andit seems to end abruptly. I think it needs another sentence added to it!
But overall this is very good! :-)

Research Papers / "Mislabeling Schizophrenia and Bipolar disorder" revise my paper in Rogerian style? [4]

When good news is bad news many people today tend to be mislabeled wrongly .

Schizophrenia, Bipolar or multiple personality disorder, w hich one are you?

People today are somewhat confused on their about the diagnosis they are given in which there are three comon types of mental disorders; manic depression, schizophrenia,...

Therefore it seems that the symptoms a person has of bipolar disorder can be similar to the major brain disorders such as schizophrenia or major depression.

I don't like the thread title, because it seems that you are trying to get others to do your work for you, and that sets a bad example!

You should have confidence in yourself... a Rogerian argument is just one that uses a particular strategy.

Spend some time showing that you totally understand the other person's argument. You have to clearly know two sides of a controversial issue. Spend time showing that you understand the other person's view, and then show that your view is still more correct. Good luck!!!

:-)

Scholarship / Honda Dreams Fund Scholarship Essay [3]

Since I was young I have always aspired to be a Medical Scientist.

I have always been excited about studying the science which interests me the most.

Science offers the freedom of thought of asking a question and rationalizing an answer for it.

Often, my heart pitters and patters in excitement of discovering something new.

Undergraduate / Game Programming as an influencial experience on the type of Science I wish to study [2]

As of theAt present, my interests are decisively based in computer science,...

Prior to this, my interests in science were confined those of a general nature, linked to an affinity with understanding and analysis.

I came across an Actionscript game-making tutorial, which detailed the creation of a simple side-shooter flash game.

Later on, I was able to write my own code, and ventured on a tangent.

I recognize and marvel that what has evoked such a driving curiosity in me is but one facet of computer science.

It is with this in mind that I apply to the UBC faculty of Science, with the intention of transcending the limits that are currently in existence.

This is just about perfect, I don't think you need to explain further. Good luck in school and have fun!

:)

Scholarship / Financial need letter (to obtain a Bachelor's Degree in Engineering) [4]

Your writing is great, especially your opening!

What would this scholarship mean to me? It would mean that I could be free.

With things being as they are, this scholarship would not only mean the world to me, but to my family as well.

After obtaining my degree and taking care of my loans, I will be in a position to contribute to an educational fund for my two younger brothers so that they will have better opportunities than I, and will not have to worry about being able to afford an education .

I realize, of course, that there are dozens of other applicants, and that these words have all been read before, but ...How about something like, "...these words have all been read before, but all I can do is write them in the hopes that you'll see this fire in me, this need to make a better life for myself and my family." You're such an excellent writer, it doesn't seem like you'll have any trouble with an ending...mine may sound a bit dramatic. Actually, you're so articulate and your letter is so well written, that I'd be very surprised if you do not get it. I read a lot of essays and letters like this, and yours is one of the best, most well written I've seen.

Good luck in school!
:)

Undergraduate / "Bryn Mawr has expanded my horizon" - Transfer, Common App [6]

Intriguing quote!

I don't like talking about endings, though!

Anyway, make it even better by using a comma to separate the 2 parts of the compound sentence:
College started, and I am ...

:-)

Dissertations / Need help on security issues on cloud computing research topic [25]

Truly, if you find even one research article about an aspect of this that interests you, it will have a reference list with many other good titles.

Can you find one article with a literature review? The literature review shows you all the work that has been done recently.

The whole point of this is to show that you are reading about the work that is being done in this field that interests you. So... you should be able to find one article that interests you and also explains the other recent articles that have been written about the topic.

:-)

Undergraduate / "A NGO coordinator" short answer for the common app. [3]

I entered the deteriorated building of the Rita Orphanage for the first...

I was swarmed by sixteen playful children and since that day, a sense of fulfillment floods me every time I go there.

Consumed by such feeling, I soon became one of the six coordinators of the NGO.

I have also twice helped toproduce a major event for more than 500 kids that Sonhar organizes every Christmas.

My relationship with the children has developed my interpersonal skills and taught me that all you require to help those who need it most is will, generosity and an ear to listen with .

Those are things I shall carry throughout my life and profession.

Undergraduate / I am a persistent yet empathetic person; my characteristics devote to the school community [2]

No one person ...I think you meant to write, 'no two people are the same'.

The quality that I posses which allows me to contribute to the university community is simply this; I am a persistent yet empathetic person. This might be two qualities!

So When a situation develops where I have to make a fast paced decision, I make a conclusive resolution that would be best suited for everyone in the situation.

I refuse be one of those students that blend into a crowd.

I like to be heard and let the opinions be of myself and others be known.

My voice is powerful and will make an overall difference regardless of how big or small the outcome may be. In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream wins, not through strength , but through persistence.

Undergraduate / "beauties of creation" Is this poetry or it can be used as a admission essay for NJIT [4]

Almost every sentence is cut in half by a comma. It makes it hard to read, having a kind of "stop and go" affect that makes it harder to understand.

"waist" should be waste.

"At age seven something as simple, a lego taped into my creativity and left me with a thirst for more." Do you mean something as simple as a lego? And I think you might mean to say tapped, not taped.

It says to write about an experience and such to explain why you deserve this honor. If you could focus on a specific event that makes you eligible for the honor, it may help them to understand why they should pick you. For example, perhaps you should briefly explain a childhood experience of taking apart a toy for the sake of knowledge.

Your paper is written powerfully, even if it is a bit unclear at first. Your passion is obvious in the intensity of your words.
Good luck!

Undergraduate / "My virtual flying career" - Turning Point Essay - Grade 9 [2]

"The feeling of being trapped is claustrophobic - trapped in a dimension full of limits, full of stress, full of greed."
This sentence, and the rest of paragraph 1, is very interesting. It's written almost poetically. It is a good attention grabber.

I also feel that the quote you ended on was perfect for your paper and a great way to summarize your passion.

"What was strange, I felt a strange sense of satisfaction" The word strange here sounds a little repetitive. Also, try using a thesaurus (possibly on dictionary.com) and you may be able to find a more powerful word to describe what you were feeling.

Also, you touch upon a feeling of claustrophobia in the first paragraph. Is that you're reason for wanting to fly? Since this is about your turning point, perhaps you should try to focus a bit more on what draws you to flying.

You chose a great topic and have written it really well! Great job!

Writing Feedback / "to increase my levels of physical activities" - behavioral modification paper [2]

Hello!

First of all, I feel as though you could make your topic paragraph grab the readers attention more profoundly if you reword it a bit. While all of the facts included are true, they are not presented in a way that really stands out. Your choice to include yourself in the topic does make it personal and, therefore, more relatable. If you could maybe incorporate it a bit more in the very beginning, I think it would draw the reader in more.

In the second paragraph, "my focus of studying became a lot more important than to exercise" should be 'my focus of study became a lot more important than exercise.'

Also, paragraph two is not written very clearly. Your topic seems to jump around in it from high school to food to sleeping to depression...it seems as though this material could be broken apart a bit so that your purpose does not become clouded by the reader receiving so much information at once.

Paragraph three states "20 minutes of cardio every day and 40 minutes or more of intense running two days a week" twice, which makes it sound a bit redundant.

"The time that I would start my cardio would be between 8:00 and 9:00 every evening or walking to class instead of driving counted as 12 minutes of cardio and the time that I would start my intense running would be at 4:00 in the evening." This sentence has more details in it then it should. Try breaking it down into a couple of sentences and it will be more clear.

Also, with any scientific paper, the best way to make it look more credible is with quotes! Putting in a couple more wouldn't hurt!

Other than that, congratulations on reaching your exercise goals and don't give up!

Undergraduate / "You've just been granted the power to dissolve anything" - my UChicago essay [4]

Capitalize here:
...strength from the expression, "Wh at doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

While I prepare for your arrival, I suggest you also prepare yourself for an episode, or should I say an adventure, that will leave you to interpret and question yourself.---I added commas. But no, I do not think you should say adventure, because that does not really add anything to the sentence.

While I prepare for your arrival, I suggest you also prepare yourself for an episode or should I say an adventure, that will leave you to interpret and question yourself.

Now let the journey begin.---cool!!

My big, brown eyes which reflect the future.

You are great!!

Undergraduate / "Everyone knows there are two types of people in the world." - U Chicago [3]

I like this essay very much.. it is so energized and real!

...with me, the first thing that comes to my mind is shopping!

It is the best therapy that I can ever think of.

And one more thing; one might say that judging people especially by the surface is not a good and fair thing but, I can argue that all we do is judge! Our daily life consists of constantly judging people!---I think this is so true! You are right...

According to that there are two types of people: those who know their style and care for it, and those who doesn't don't even know what I am talking about right now; style and appearance are unfamiliar concepts for them.

:-)

Undergraduate / entering a contest(what makes you amazing) [3]

Yes, in the beginning there are 2 sentences put together as one compound sentence, so you should have a comma before "so"
... and more, so I decided to enter a contest i I had seen advertised in a magazine.

Oh, ha ha, sorryJasmine, I was correcting the grammar.
Well, what makes you amazing?! The best way to write about this is to write about what you know best. What I know best is the psychology of language. What do you know best?

I think you should just start by writing a paragraph to explain what you know best. Pretend you are explaining this subject to your little sister so she can understand it, too. Then, after you write a paragraph, go back to the beginning and write a little introduction paragraph. Catch the reader's attention with a clever sentence! :-)

Undergraduate / Inspirational person essay - Common App (directed for Johns Hopkins) [3]

Don't say subsequently and then give another indication of "when."
Subsequently, After the incision I was pulled ---Missing a word?

This paragraph is not developed very well.
My dad was not only the usual playful, exciting dad. My dad was always worried about my grades and achievement in grade school, always aspiring for my siblings and I to achieve the unachievable and reach for the stars.

Google this: How to write paragraph topic sentence
Add a topic sentence to the beginning of this paragraph.

... the bed crying, hysterical, looking for car keys to rush to the hospital. My brother was gone by then. After multiple doses of different type of medication, my father never reacted. ---I crossed out an unnecessary, distracting sentence.

This is a great essay. It's too bad it is great because of the way it helps people cope with their pain. It would be nice if you had a great essay that did not need to be inspired by emotions from such a loss. I hope you and your family are doing well! And I think you are right: There is a field of experience, and if we seem gone it is only a temporary illusion.

You can make this essay even better if you make some connections with your career aspirations... how your Dad's influence will extend into the future as you complete your education.

Essays / An Animal Encounter. that is my topic for my essay that the Professor assigned. [4]


Good question!

Sounds like the prof is not good at explaining things, and that is not a good quality in a professor.

Great idea from Camy...

Yes, think of the animal you want to write about, and then find some articles about the animal.

When you describe the scene, Google this: what are imagery words?

And Google this: why should I use action verbs?

Show us what you write! I'll help make sure you cited the article correctly.

Essays / Phi Theta Kappa, an international honors society- Filling application [4]

Looking good. Always add substance when you can:
I commit myself to uphold the high purposes of Phi Theta Kappa to which I have been invited , XXXXX< YYYYYY< and ZZZZZ ZZZZZ ZZZZZZ. ---Specify. It makes a more powerful assertion.

As a former member of the National Society of High School Scholars, I will be loyal to my community meaningless. Say something specific. Give them value. :-)

Writing Feedback / Students should bring a certain skepticism to whatever they study. [4]

Use "parallel structure"
Is it better for students to question what they are taught than accepting to accept it passively?
or
Is questioning what is taught better than accepting it passively? ----Use one verb form or the other.

Fortunately, some people queried his assertation, including the White Wright Brothers, and thus they created the first successful airplane.

Nonetheless, if one does not know ...---In this paragraph, you can include a sentence like this:
Therefore, it is important to be willing to accept existing knowledge after it has been questioned. This is a good part of the essay, because it shows that you are considering both points of view.