Scholarship / Creativity in Using Communication Platforms -- Application for AAS [5]

Hatif, you need to create an idea that part of your leadership skills in this instance included the ability to be able to delegate tasks to your team members. You are being asked to portray your leadership abilities in the essay and being a leader does not mean being a one man team. the projection in this essay is that you thought up the ideas, you promoted it, and it was successful because of everything that you did. There as no shared tasks with the team members, there was no necessary cooperation with other organizations in your school or the school authorities, and all you needed was the sneak peek and social media to get the job done. This essay is not asking you to be superman. It is asking you to be "cooperative"-man, in a way. Show how your leadership skills, when combined with the help of others around you, resulted in a completely successful reformatting of the program. What role did others play in this instance? How did you manage to get their cooperation or interest in supporting your organization towards a successful event? Just revise the first and second paragraph. The third paragraph is well within the prompt expectations and needs no revision at this point.

Scholarship / 'Be Creative Or die trying to' - KGSP- Letter Of self introduction [4]

Since you lack work experience, it is imperative that you create the idea that your internships did more than just train you for the job. Make the internship seem like it is the basis of your professional experience that is yet to come. Indicate the duties that you performed as an intern (in relation to your chosen masters course), explain your learning experience during this period, and close it by indicating the problems that you came across, which led you to decide that, though you have yet to apply your skills in a real world setting, it would be best for you to gain further academic and practical training first. That turns into you motivating factor for wanting to enroll in this course of study even though you lack some major qualifications in terms of being a graduate who has yet to become a professional.

Writing Feedback / There is a nexus between corruption and terrorism [2]

Fahad, your writing is good for a beginner. There is a logic to what you are saying and your examples help to enhance your paragraphs. I have a problem with your grammar though. Please review the grammar rules regarding capitalization and punctuation. You need to capitalize the first word of every new sentence and also, create a space between the end of a sentence (as indicated by the period) and the next word in order to create a space that aids the reader in understanding what you have written. While I know that you are just writing this for practice, I have to say that you have written an essay that, although short in discussion, is comparable to the best English writing practice tests that have been posted here. Keep up the good work. You are on the right track for a newbie.

Writing Feedback / Finacial Aid VS Practical Aid And Advice [4]

No bother at all Anais. I think you will see where your faulty paraphrasing came in with the example that I will be giving you for this prompt. When you are faced with a discussion of two sides and a personal opinion essay, you have to discuss the essay in the format that I provided to you in the previous thread. Always take your time in analyzing the topic and instructions you are given for the essay in order to gain a high score in the TA section. Prove that you understand the English language enough to actually follow the instructions and your score should have a chance to be higher than it would normally be. So for this prompt I would have written it this way:

These days, it is not uncommon for first world countries to help developing countries. This has led to a discussion as to the best way to actually the newly developing nations. Would it be better to give these areas of the world financial help coming from international organizations like the UN and World Bank? Or would it be better to just guide these countries by advising them on how to handle their economy so they can develop instead? In this essay, I will offer an analysis of both sides before offering my personal opinion as relevant to the discussion.

As you can see, I aimed to use the full 5 sentence allotment for the paraphrasing and opening statement. When you use the full 5 sentences per paragraph allowance, you have a tendency to better discuss the prompt and also, offer more solid explanations on your part. When it comes to scoring, there is a better chance for an increased LR and GRA score in that instance.

Scholarship / KSP Goal Study Plan. 2017- I will add methodology at the latter part. [3]

The first question you will be asked is "Where do you plan to conduct this research?", not just how. You answered the how part. The "where is important" because you will need to do the research within a company. So, will this be done during your own internship at a company in Korea? Or will you need the help of the relevant university department heads to gain access and permission to conduct the research in a professional setting? Where, is the most important part of your thesis presentation at this point.

I think you should narrow down your field of discussion to something that directly relates to your profession. That way, the methodology will have a smaller consultation base and thus, more accurate and applicable results for your research. Maybe adjust the title of your research a bit to include the fact that you will be focusing on how the improvements of team members and leaders seem to be minimal in certain instances even though all the training and training methods were completely applied to their seminars and training sessions. You did mention this early in the goal of study presentation. In other words, narrow down your scope and reflect it in the title. That way you can create a more achievable expected outcome based upon your research method.

Scholarship / Life is like riding a bicycle. Check for me this Letter of Introduce [5]

Minh, your letter of introduction sounds like you used an online translator for it. The first paragraph is totally difficult to understand because of the missing connector words and subjects in sentences. In order to create a coherent paragraph, you need to focus on the required discussion for it. So in this paragraph, discuss the background of your family, aside from giving the reviewer a description of your village and how these elements combined to create a career related point of view about life for you. Remove the reference about life being like a bicycle ride. It is irrelevant to the presentation. You just threw that in for the sake of trying to create an impressive opening statement, which you failed to do because of the lack of logic in the presentation of your information.

In the second paragraph, in relation to the article published, is that something that you wrote or something that you read? There are 2 conflicting statements in that paragraph that further confuse the reviewer. By this point, due to the problems in the way that you express yourself, the reviewer will most likely lose interest in reading the rest of your application. So focus on fixing your content presentation. Aim for coherence and cohesiveness instead of drama and effect. Drama and effect does not have any place in an academic essay, specially a scholarship application.

About the cave discussion, it is not really interesting to know about. Mainly because you did not manage to connect the importance of this activity with your profession and future career plans. If you cannot develop it into a more integral representation of something in your essay, just skip that discussion.

It sounds like you are applying for the KGSP through the university track. Just because you are using a different method of application does not mean that you should skip representing the motivation for your studies in Korea and your reasons for wanting to complete you MS degree there. The reasons why you chose the university should be independent of the other 2 earlier discussion requirements of the essay. Try to integrate those 2 missing elements in the overall discussion as well.

I have given you some idea as to how you can better represent your prompt responses in this essay. However, I cannot tell you which parts to delete at this point. That is something that you should be able to identify based upon the important elements I have asked you to take note of. I look forward too reading your revision.

Writing Feedback / Finacial Aid VS Practical Aid And Advice [4]

Anais, the paraphrasing and summary for your essay is faulty. While the original prompt indicates that you should indicate a discussion of the two sides, along with your own opinion, you did not do that in your representative statement. You merely offered a general discussion of the provided sides, in a single sentence, and then you immediately jumped into your personal opinion discussion. Which should not have been done in the opening statement.

The essay should have followed the indicated presentation in the original instructions. So it should have been:

1. Opening summary
2. Side 1
3. Side 2
4. Personal opinion
5. Concluding summary

By not following the proper discussion format, you ended up creating a personal opinion instead of a comparison discussion. As such, you adversely affected the possible score for your essay. That is because you showed a clear misunderstanding of the instructions and the discussion format. The only possible score in this instance is a 4.

Writing Feedback / The three different charts present the percentage of four different categories of foods utilized [7]

To, you could have written a better overview by indicating the types of food products that were going to be compared along with stating the countries that were to be used in the comparison. The last sentence in your opening statement should have represented your concluding statement instead because that could have been a pretty effective summary of the overall report. With a total of 184 words, I would have to say that this is one of your better developed essays. Again, it is better developed, but still has some problems with regards to TA and GRA issues. I explained the TA situation above while the GRA, comes from the use of wrong descriptions in your essay such as the term "successively" when you should have said "respectively". The improvement in your presentation and discussion style also comes with an improvement in your possible score. This could get a score as high as 5 in an actual test. Depending upon the smaller considerations for the final score. Good work though. I hope to see continued improvement over the coming days.

Scholarship / 'Be Creative Or die trying to' - KGSP- Letter Of self introduction [4]

Gussef, you need to be more specific in this essay. Somehow, you chose to simply present a glossed over view of all the prompt requirements rather than presenting information that will help the reviewer understand your motivation for studies and what you hope to gain by spending 3 years of your life in Korea. You need to revise some major points of this essay.

Explain what your college degree is all about, where you studied it, when you graduated, and what inspired you to follow that career path. Just saying that you are a regular traveler with scouting experience doesn't accomplish that. What is the basis for your interest in the environment? How have you managed to parlay this into a professional career? What is your professional career? How does your work experience relate to the environment? What environmental problem do you hope to address with this advanced educational degree? Why is it important to you?

By the way, your point of view about life does not need to have a Korean connection. The way you explained the Korean connection in this essay shows that you are trying extremely hard to impress the reviewer, to no avail. Make the point of view about life something that relates to you on a personal level. Leave your desire to go to Korea out of it. Just focus on a more general desire to help the environment if you wish to.

Scholarship / The mathematics stuck with me. My Essay for KGSP - Self Introduction [2]

Grace, this is a very well phrased, but irrelevant and weak essay. It does not serve the purpose that it was written for because it did not properly represent the 4 basic prompt requirements. As such, this essay cannot be used for the purposes of your application. It is almost as if you chose to disregard the basic requirements, which are the only required information in this essay. You deviated so much for the requirements that you ended up actually writing a personal statement instead of a self introduction letter.

While I can understand the reference to the movie, it is best if your point of view about life is discussed in a manner that actually involves your life experiences from the time you moved to be with your mother. Discuss how your life changed then and how you handled it, thus creating a personal ideology about life and all matters related to it.

Your educational background should indicate not only your interest in computers, but your academic achievements as well. Your current presentation is so vague that it does not really inform the reviewer. The missing professional background is a serious concern as that is normally where the motivating factor to study in Korea comes from. Not from the statement about clicking online and falling into your Korean experience unwittingly.

The whole essay needs to be revised. This time, I strongly recommend that you review the prompt requirements and deliver on all required points in a direct manner. Offer evidence of your experience, accomplishments, and professional experience. Those are all too important considerations regarding your application.

Writing Feedback / Environment problems, who would be responsible for this? - IELTS essay topic [4]

Vi, the instructions were for you to discuss both sides and give your opinion. Therefore, the opening statement you created should have included a reference to a discussion of your opinion, without actually giving an opinion yet. While you provided an acceptable discussion of both sides in your essay. The fact that you used your personal opinion as the closing statement of this essay lessened the possible score for your essay. I do not know if you were told this but, a concluding statement can never be in the form of a personal opinion. That is because the concluding statement is used to offer a reminder of the discussion provided only. It is not meant to increase the information regarding a discussion. As such, the task accuracy score of your essay was immediately and direly affected to the point where your possible score cannot be higher than a 5,

Writing Feedback / IELTS- Bigger Priority - governments should charge on railways instead of roads. [5]

Qi, you could have done a better job with your paraphrasing in the opening statement by dividing the single line presentation in the original prompt into 2 sentences. Then followed it up by your agreement of the discussion, without beginning a discussion at that point. the first statement should never be more than an overview of the forthcoming discussion.

The second paragraph could have compared the expenses of the government between the road and railway in terms of practicality and usability to the public. It is in the second statement where you should have opened the discussion with the term "Personally..." because this is a personal opinion essay that need not discuss the basis of the original prompt.

Your conclusion is another problematic part of the essay because it is a single sentence. In order to properly write a conclusion, you must accurately develop a concluding statement based upon the existing information in the essay you created. Wrap it up with a similar summary to the opening statement and you would have written more than 254 words with an increased possible score. This way though, I think the essay can only score a 5 due to the indicated problems regarding how you addressed the task and formatted your response.

Writing Feedback / How a solar powered water pump works [5]

Nur, you need to learn how to improve your overview statements. These are the opening statements that should offer a clear paraphrasing of the prompt, discussion topics, and the order of discussion within the paragraphs of the essay. Once you accurately develop a strong opening statement, you will immediately gain a chance to receive a higher score in the reading and comprehension area of the scoring requirements. This overview is not as strong as it can be even though there is a very clear method of presentation that could have allowed you to earn the higher score.

The second paragraph also fails to properly impress the examiner because you summarized key points of the discussion into one, over informative and yet still under developed paragraph. Try to limit yourself to only one topic per paragraph or related topics per paragraph. Discuss the materials first, then the water pumping procedure in the next paragraph.

Overall, the essay can probably earn a score of 5 due to the lack of information analysis on your part.

Graduate / Not all heated glass crack. Statement of Purpose for Material Science and Engineering [4]

The quote from Malcolmm X is not effective in your essay. It does not matter whether it is a stand alone quote at the start or incorporated into the actual statement. It does not work because it does not apply to the discussion being presented. When presenting a statement of purpose, it is important to reflect your own thoughts and ideas rather than that of someone else. After all, you are the one applying for admission, not Malcolm X. Impress the reviewer with your mindset and ideologies instead.

Your first part lacks a clear reference to the development of your interest in material science and engineering. When and how did this interest begin to develop for you? Why were you first fascinated by the idea of heated glass? What kind of experience did you have in dealing with heated glass at that moment that made you connect it to the idea that it can be used as a an alternative energy source distributor? What is the purpose of your studies? There is too much information this early on in the essay that needs to be given a better focus in order to become more relevant to your application. Try to respond to these 5 basic questions first ok?

1. What is your current profession? How does this profession relate to your interest in material science and engineering?
2. What work difficulties have motivated you to seek increased training in this field?
3. How did your college education prepare you for these masters degree studies?
4. Explain why you believe you can make a difference in the field of material science and engineering.
5. How will this university be able to help you achieve your purpose in this field?

These are the basic information that need to be properly represented in your essay. Based upon your response to these questions, we will then either increase or decrease the attention on the response that you developed. We may also alter certain content based upon the slant that the statement of purpose is supposed to take.

These questions are designed to create a general statement of purpose essay. Double check with the university first and make sure that they do not have any specific SOP prompt requirements which you may need to either incorporate or use as the basis for your revised sop essay.

Scholarship / AR technology combined with board games. My Study Plan and Goal of Study for KGSP [2]

Wong, what is the purpose of your AR technology research? Developing it for video games is not unique. The mobile phones already incorporate AR in their virtual goggles that come with the phones. You need to develop a more innovative research topic that could translate into a breakthrough thesis presentation. In relation to video game applications, how do you see yourself improving the AR applications? What part of the technology do you think is problematic or needs improvement? what kind of changes would you make to better the technology? These are the elements of an effective goal of study that you can incorporate into your revision.

With regards to the study plan, you have to totally rework those parts. do not include any references to the language study. That is not part of the masters class. Just assume that you are already done with the Hangul lessons and are now in your formal masters classes. So, 2 years for this line of research. Discuss the method of research that you will be doing and how you plan to develop the expected results over the next 2 years. That is all you have to present in that part. Don't delve on your first year in Korea. There won't be any chance for you to research your masters thesis at that point yet. You won't be allowed to do it.

There is no clear motivating factor for this line of research. What is the thesis statement? In other words, what is the use of this AR research in the future? Does it improve a technology? To what extent? Does it have a practical purpose? Explain what that is. Basically your presentation is just running around in circles without really offering solid ideas regarding the usefulness of the research either in scientific or everyday use. Some improvement to the essay can be made by totally removing the first paragraph because it is not really presenting the goal. Rather it is justifying your desire to study this course. Nothing more. That doesn't help the study goal presentation so skip the whole paragraph. Build on the remaining paragraphs, and by build, I mean expand on the remaining paragraph discussions using the guide questions I provided above. Accurately responding to those will help you create a more finalized essay.

It is unfortunate that I cannot continue to offer you more advice regarding the improvement of your essay in this public forum after my current response. If you wish to continue working with me for the development of your paper in private, please refer to our services link above and choose my name (Mary) from the list or, have our admin convert your thread to an "Urgent" one so that I can continue to publicly assist you there. I hope that somehow, I can continue to offer you guidance as you work on finalizing this essay.

Scholarship / KGSP Self-Introduction - Striving for a global education in business [3]

Jessalyn, the KGSP reviewers do not review your qualifications based upon general comments such as these. Review the prompt requirements and deliver the necessary elements of the application based upon those guidelines. That means, you cannot present such a disconnected essay discussion. Start from the first element required, working your way to the last in the presentation line up. Deliver at least a summary of the family background that you came from along with an explanation of how the family and community you came from helped you to develop a specific point of view about life. Right now, there is no reference to that part of the prompt at all.

Be detailed about your college background. That means you have to name the university, your course, the major you studied, plus any achievements that you may have gained during this time. You have a very extensive professional background but it is useless because the information provided comes across as unreliable. There are no references to the names of the firms you worked with, the length of time you were with them, your job title and responsibilities. All of which the reviewer requires as part of the fact checking of your application documents and qualifications. Revise those parts of the essay to be more accurate and informative in order to be considered factual parts of your application.

As for the languages portion, if you do not have a TOPIK qualifying certificate to present to the reviewer, it will be best if you do not discuss that part at all. Since you are not fluent in Hangul, there is no point in trying to impress the reviewer with your abilities in French and other languages which do not apply to the KGSP requirements. The only impressive language you can speak of will be an intermediate or advanced TOPIK qualification certificate.

In all honesty, there is no clear motivation for your desire to study in Korea. The reasons as just as blurred in your essay. Try to be more prompt consistent in your presentation in order to create a more acceptable and informative self introduction letter.

Undergraduate / YALE YOUNG AFRICANS essay - how my goals developed over time [2]

Mostafa, you need to heighten the representation of certain elements in your essay in order to create a more interesting background for yourself in relation to our development as a person. Be more biographical in your approach. Focus on better presenting the information about the early years of your life. For example, in the opening paragraph, you need to represent your parents and the community that you grew up in. These are the two factors that have a direct relation to the kind of person that you grew up to be. Spend at least a full paragraph introducing your parents to the reader and how you were raised. Explain what you mean by "As I am the elder one among my two brothers I have taken the most care." This sentence needs to be clarified for content.

Do not indicate that you were a problem child at a certain point. I am referring to your focus on making friends and being sociable instead of giving equal attention to your studies. Reformat that part of the essay in relation to the development of your interest in STEM subjects. It is never a good idea to show a negative side of your personality to the reviewer, even if that was just a phase that you eventually overcame. Finally, develop the last 2 parts of your essay. Those are under developed discussions that need to be expanded upon in order to be helpful parts of the presentation. If you can't improve those, then remove those from the essay instead.

Scholarship / Optimisation of the supply chain activities. Goal and study plan - KGSP, Phd studies [6]

The problem is that you formatted your essay in a bullet points type of setting when the more beneficial presentation would have been the straightforward essay type with the goals of study and study plans developed in a chronological pattern throughout the essay. If you can successfully discuss these elements, then the study plan will be more highlighted.

Open the essay with a background of the supply chain management as it is implemented today in your home country. Explain the perceived benefits from the current method. Then slowly transition into the problems that face the industry. Specifically, the difficulties that you have in your own line of work when it comes to effecting a better supply chain method. The next paragraph should then be the statement of the problem.

After you state the problem, you can then move to an observation regarding the Korean model of the supply chain and its benefits. Compare the two methods and explain that you wish to be able to address the problems of supply chain management in your home country in a manner that will bring up to par with the Korean counterpart.

It is at this point that you can again present the supply chain models that you discussed in this version. Why don't you work on these suggestions first for the revised essay, complete it as a revised version then we can review the new version for the parts that can be removed. We cannot accurately decide upon what you remove at this moment because a major part of the essay still requires content changes.

Graduate / To materialize my career goals and aspirations - SOP for Masters in analytics [5]

Kamal, you are not writing an SEO based essay therefore, you do not need to focus on the technical words for presentation in the essay. The use of those words have to come naturally within in relation to your presentation. You should not fit the essay to include the words in the hopes of impressing the reviewer. Knowing how to use the terms is one thing, but the actual consideration will be how you applied analytics in your workplace. Which you seem to have done quite well as far as your presentation of your professional background is concerned.

Speaking of your 8 years experience in this field, make sure that you highlight that in your essay by mentioning the number of years you have worked, and the various companies you worked for (if there was more than 1) accompanied by your duties description. Make sure to represent what you feel your shortcomings are in terms of initiating analytics in your workplace as one of the motivating factors for your desire to garner more training in this field. Remember, the more impressive your professional background in relation to your masters course, the better chances for consideration you will have for admission.

Since you are not applying for a thesis track program, disregard the advice I gave you about connecting your college research to your masters research interests.

Scholarship / I developed a strong network with key Ministry of Health and Sanitation authorities. Chevening. [9]

Neither, what is important is that you portray how you develop your networking skills in the performance of your duties. The best illustration for this essay is normally to present a situation at your offic wher eyou were called upon to either create a network of your own in order to accomplish a task or, use an existing network that you were unfamiliar with in order to deliver results. The names of the offices are important in the sense that you will be justifying the actions you took and mentioning the involved offices in terms of network creation. So focus on the situation, why a network was important at that time, if you had a network in place or not, how you developed the network or further developed it, and what the end result of your networking skills was. After that, you can focus on developing the "how will the network you have help Chevening scholars in the future? If you read the examples of the networking essays here, you should get a pretty good idea as to how to best approach the essay development on your end using your sources.

Scholarship / MYCETOMA - study plan for KGSP about endemic diseases. [2]

Zobida, since this is a continuation of your college thesis research, you should open the goal of study with a summarized presentation of your college thesis. From there, present the new thesis statement in relation to your masters degree. It will be more convincing for the reviewer to read such a thesis proposal because it offers a continuing research. Thus making it a logical progression as part of your masters degree training. Right now, you have to revise the essay to create the explanation of continued learning instead of this background presentation of the illness you wish to focus on. The background covers too much of the paper and there is too little of the research based information presented. By changing the slant of your presentation to become continuing research, you eliminate the need to create a background presentation regarding the illness by focusing on the basis of your research and strengthen the need for advanced research as well. You create a more authoritative presentation of your goal of study that way.

Scholarship / Repaying the gratitude and appreciation to Korea - Future Goal for KGSP Scholarship [3]

When you discuss becoming a lecturer in Korea, indicate what kind of lecturer you want to be and where you might be able to utilize your talents in this field. I a worried about this part of your essay though because becoming a lecturer may not be as simple as you think. That may require you to be a licensed teacher or something, thus preventing you from becoming a lecturer in Korea. If anything, you should focus on promoting your Pakistani culture during your free time in Korea as part of your post study plans. This is to going to be useful because you plan to create relations between your home country and Korea. Therefore, creating a network of usable professionals in the field is of the utmost importance to you.

As for the parts of the application form that you encircled in red, the answer is that you need a title for your study goals presentation as this relates to your masters research paper. You do not need to have a title for your post study plans essay because that is just an ordinary essay discussion.

Undergraduate / Specify your reasons for transferring and goals you hope to reach; Common App Statement [3]

Esther, here is the thing, the personal statement is asking you to justify your academic reasons for wanting to transfer to this 4 year college. It doesn't really consider your academic dismissal from NYU as an extenuating factor in your desire to move from BCC to this university. Actually, the academic dismissal only relates to the move from NYU to BCC, which is your current university. Therefore, there should be a different reason for wanting to move to the new university, in relation to your academic training at BCC. I am not really clear as to what course you are hoping to enroll in at this particular university from BCC. Bachelor of Science is the degree, but what major are you aiming for? As a pre-med student, maybe, Biology? That is a discussion that you should develop in the essay.

In all honesty, the essay is a bit confusing in terms of purpose. You see, there is a reference to NYU, then a reference to transferring from BCC to another university, with you then referring to your graduation at BCC so that you can transfer to a 4 year university. You need to develop a more focused essay. One that clearly indicates a relationship between your studies at BCC and why you need to transfer to a 4 year university. If you are graduating from a community college, it would seem to me that you should not be doing a transfer essay but rather, a personal statement as incoming college freshman instead. After all, you have indicated that you will be graduating from BCC instead of transferring from BCC as an undergraduate.

Your objectives for transferring to the 4 year university are not clear at this point. You spend so much time discussing your professional background, the NYU experience, and the BCC education that you got, but fail to represent valid reasons for wanting to transfer to a 4 year college as a transfer student. The reviewer needs to see academic reasons for your transfer aside from personal sentiments.

Scholarship / Optimisation of the supply chain activities. Goal and study plan - KGSP, Phd studies [6]

Sunhi, your format is not proper for the presentation. In fact, you have a number of unnecessary paragraphs in the essay. Your most accurate start point of discussion for your goal of study / study plan (which are one and the same, not separate discussions) should begin at the sentence that indicates "The objective of this research project is to provide a model of decision support..." That totally covers your goal of study and study plan in one presentation. Then, you have to adjust your length of research. as a KGSP scholar, you will not have 3 years to complete the research. You only have 2 years of actual masters classes wherein you will be allowed to perform the actual research necessary to complete the work. Your first year will be dedicated solely to language training so you need to adjust your research schedule presentation accordingly.

Graduate / RESUME FOR GRADUATE ADMISSION (without prompt) [2]

Chizaram, you have most of the presentation correct in that the sections are the required information in a resume for graduate admission. Just add an objective to the top of the list before the education section. The mistake of the presentation lies in the way that the information is presented within the sections. Instead of presenting the information in paragraph essay form style, it should be presented as bullet points. The bullet points indicating the most important information, without an explanation. Some points for correction include:

1. An objective should lead the list as this covers the purpose of the application
2. Education should only cover college education (university, degree, year of graduation, major/s)
3. Research explains your college thesis in summary form and any additional research done during your professional period. Research done which was published should be included here as a highlight.

4. Related experience means a bullet points list of work experience complete with positions held and responsibilities.

The remaining sections are self explanatory and have to be presented in a bullet points manner as well. I am sure you get the idea from my explanation above. By the way, make sure your friend needs a resume and not a CV ok? Those are two different types of personal data presentation that are often interchanged. The format and content for each is different.

Scholarship / Home benefits; being in a position to assist my country, Nigeria (Commonwealth shared scholarship). [5]

Chinwendu, if you are going to be helping in eradicating the Malaria problem in your country, you must first indicate that this is a problem which your national government takes seriously enough to turn into a government health project. That is what the "development need" portion of the essay is referring to. By referring to a government project that you will be able to assist in either developing, implementing, or propagating after you graduate from the MS course, you will have an actual application for the skills, knowledge that you gained. Be specific about the section of the Malaria problem that you will hope to use your skills in and indicate an expected outcome on your part by relating how you plan to participate in the management of that problem. By presenting the outcome of the project, you should be able to ideally, develop a practical way of monitoring the success of your program that the scholarship should be able to monitor. Remember, the plan of study relates to your masters thesis project. So you have to make sure that you do not deviate from the project proposal for your thesis research. I do not see an indication of this thesis being a part of the plans that you have written in this response. You should develop that representation in the essay. Let me be clear though, the last 2 paragraphs have portions that you can use for your revised essay, provided these are in line with your masters thesis proposal. So the majority of the revision in your presentation should be in the first paragraph, where you should state the thesis statement with an explanation of how this relates to the government project against Malaria.

Graduate / To materialize my career goals and aspirations - SOP for Masters in analytics [5]

Kamal, this is a very comprehensive statement of purpose. You have covered most of the required elements of a statement of purpose in a manner that outlines your experience in support of your application while also stating a career benefit as one of your motivating factors for the application to the masters school. I have one question though. You mentioned that you were involved in analytics as a college student through your thesis research. That is very important information that directly relates to the purpose of your application. Are you applying via the thesis or non thesis track? I am asking because the information about your college thesis should have led into your presentation of your masters degree thesis statement as their is an implication that you might be able to do additional research, or related research to your college thesis. If you are applying via thesis track, then you need to present your thesis statement here. Not necessarily the whole proposal, just the statement of the problem. After you do that, include an overview of how you hope to use the facilities of the university to complete your research. One simple paragraph, not too extensively written will be sufficient enough for that portion. Other than that, the essay is in a perfectly usable form.

Scholarship / I developed a strong network with key Ministry of Health and Sanitation authorities. Chevening. [9]

John, now I have to ask you something about all of the people that you mention in your essay as being part of your personal / professional network. Did you seek permission from them to refer to their names and specific positions in your essay? The reason that I ask this is because the mention of these people's names means that you are giving the reviewer the authority to confirm the existence of these people, their recollection of you as a worker in their department or as a partner in the accomplishment of a task, and, a confirmation from these people that they are truly a part of your network as they know you on either a personal or professional basis.

Most importantly, are you going to be able to present letters of recommendation from these people to add credence to your Chevening application? Consider all of these points before you continue the name dropping trend in your essay. Remember, these information will be vetted for validity, truth and integrity. If you have not gotten express written permission from these people to use their names either verbally or through their recommendation letters, it would be best for you to change the slant of your essay instead.

It won't be difficult for you to write a new, more appropriate essay. All you have to do is look up the examples of the previous networking essays that were written by applicants before you in this forum. Their work has already been reviewed and submitted. A number of them successfully got into the program. So emulating their networking essay in terms of content presentation will be very helpful to you at this point.

Undergraduate / Opportunity to nurture my passion for Engineering and Philosophy; Why Lafayette? Supplement essay [2]

Charles, the second paragraph isn't really helpful. The information that it contains feels too generic and doesn't inform the reviewer about anything unique that attracted you to the university. The discussion of your character can be discussed in more appropriate prompt essays so it can be omitted in this instance. I think that what you should be doing instead is expanding on the discussion about how your paper could be turned into a reality in the campus laboratory. The "Why?" in this instance can translate into the method by which the university encourages individuality through discovery and discovery based on mentoring and guidance. Try to see if you can create a more interesting paragraph based upon that premise. The last part of the essay is good enough. It is a bit common to end on this note but it does show an excitement to be a part of the student campus so I would keep that, in a better developed manner, in the essay. The work you did is not bad for a draft. I hope to see increased improvements to your response with the next draft. Good work.

Writing Feedback / Plethora numbers of criminal activities - causes of crime rate and effort to prevent them [4]

Nur, I would like to call your attention to a number of problems in your essay which resulted in my considering this particular written exercise a 4. It all stems from the way that you developed the essay and the grammar problems that you have in the sentences that you developed.

For starters, pay attention to the prompt requirements that you were given. You know what you are supposed to do with the prompts provided right? The expectation is that you will deliver a paraphrased version of these discussions and instructions within your opening statement. Instead of doing that, you immediately launched into a discussion of the topic instead. You began offering information and lengthy considerations in the opening statement rather than just presenting the required elements. The required elements are a paraphrased prompt, the paraphrased discussion instructions, and an indication of how these elements are to be discussed in the essay.

You need to work on your sentence structure and development. In the opening statement, the correct presentation would have been "plethora OF numbers". Practice using connector words in order to create a logical statement. I know that you did your best to develop complex sentences. However, you did not successfully progress beyond the problematic basic sentences because of the missing connector words and the improper use of terms (idleness persons should have been "idle persons").

Finally, the concluding statement should never have additional information, specially in the notable number that you presented in your conclusion. It is impossible to develop a proper explanation for new ideas at that point, which is why it is advised that the writer not do that in the concluding statement. Rather, a quick wrap up of the discussion is preferred.

Scholarship / I intended to be Lecturer but my ambition is to conduct researches - KGSP program application essay [6]

Maria, please note that this is a letter of self introduction. Therefore, if you wish to start your introduction by giving your full name then there is nothing wrong with that. It is a common part of introducing oneself to a stranger, as you are doing with yourself to the reviewer of your application. There are no set rules regarding how to introduce yourself, so if this is the way you want to do it, then do it this way.

Unfortunately you did not provide a convincing motivation for your desire to study in Korea. I attribute that to the fact that you have only a limited discussion regarding your academic and professional background. Since you did not really represent your profession, you were not able to create a Korean connection between your desire for higher study in Korea (motivation). The rest of your reasons are weak, but could have been strengthened by an accurate representation of the relationship between your profession and the masters degree you wish to study.

By the way, don't include a discussion of your future plans in this essay. There is a specific section in the Statement of Purpose known as the Post Study Plans essay where you will have a full page to discuss the details of this plan. It is not a necessary element of the self introduction letter.

Scholarship / I developed a strong network with key Ministry of Health and Sanitation authorities. Chevening. [9]

John, the Chevening networking essay does require you to simply rattle off the names of the people whom you have worked with in your various capacities as a professional. Rather it requires you to offer evidence of your networking abilities by presenting a situation during your professional career, regardless of your position or duties, that required you to create a network where you did not have any. What was the situation? How did you manage to develop these contacts? How did the contacts help you to resolve the situation on hand? Present your networking abilities in a manner that showcases your skills in developing the network for future use as well. More importantly, explain how these networks can help you as a Chevening scholar, if these networks will be beneficial to the future scholars whom you will expect to be mentoring as well, and if you can weave your existing contacts with your future Chevening related network. Needless to say, you will need to revise the whole essay. Since you have an early start, you have plenty of time to make the necessary changes and create the best essay possible for your application.

Scholarship / KGSP Graduate Goal of Study and Study Plan - A specialist in technology and East Asia [2]

Jessalyn, I suggest that you just present the research plan that has a direct relation with your post study plan. The reason behind this is simple. While you are applying via embassy track, with 3 universities, the study plan is meant only to show your seriousness in completing your studies. The reviewer needs to know that you are in this for the long haul and you wont' suddenly drop out of the program because of homesickness or something. The study plan has a chance of being revised or changed once you are already in the university. This does not have to be set in stone. However, by showing a connection with your post study plans, you deliver the necessary requirement of you having seriously considered all the relevant aspects of your scholarship application.

Scholarship / I intend to be employed in a Korean firm. KGSP Future plans after my studies [4]

Joyce, you sound so desperate and defeatist in the opening paragraph. You need to project an aura of confidence and hope instead. Before you proceed with writing the future plans essay might I suggest that you do some research first? Since you know what kind of work your masters degree will prepare you to do upon your graduation, look for a corresponding office, agency, company, or whatever in Korea that deals with the same issues as your training. Pick one of the companies and target them for your employment in Korea. Use the name of that company as the company where you wish to gain employment in Korea after graduation. Target at least 2 years for your practical training at this company before you move back to your home country. If you can develop the proper Korean work program for yourself, then the 2nd paragraph will make better sense and allow you to incorporate the Korean experience fully into your career upon your return.

Scholarship / I got caught in the everyday routine. KGSP: Statement of purpose <goal of study> [5]

Not quite there yet. You have the thesis statement presented but you do not have any representation of how you plan to do the research. What requirements for sources would you need beyond the classroom lectures. Remember, this is a research plan that should have real world applications. How do you plan on expanding this research in order to create a usable expected outcome? What would the method of research have to be? Discuss why you would use this method and how it relates to the outcome. The goal of study is something that you will be doing outside of the regular class activities so you will need to skip mentioning what classes you will be taking in relation to the research. That does not apply in this instance. What you have to show to the reviewer in this essay is your ability to conduct academic research over a 2 year period.

Graduate / Speech language pathology SOP /explains career change and poor undergrad grades [2]

Trishanne, are you applying for masters degree school acceptance? If so, then you need not worry about your problematic undergrad grades. Your professional background, in relation to the career change will more than make up for that weakness. Not to mention, there are a host of other considerations that will be presented to the reviewer as he reviews your application and considers you for acceptance or rejection. One thing I would like to point out though, is that you anecdote is running too long and is too detailed for it to be a recollection of events. Rather, this precise retelling makes it sound like you just made it up to impress the reviewer. It would be better for your essay if you retell the event as a summarized recollection instead that had you pondering your career change. At the moment, the anecdote is a very strong weakness in the presentation. Everything else that you presented checks out as relevant and for consideration though. Maybe some other things can be edited for length and content, depending upon how you present your anecdote in the revised version of this essay.

Scholarship / As a cutting edge field in the 21st century biotechnology is in the spotlight today. KGSP STUDY PLAN [7]

Hussaini, the instructions for the statement of purpose clearly state that you must relate your study plan and future plan in 2 separate pages at the most. I strongly suggest that you do that because your study plan really requires you to fully concentrate on developing that essay in the most proper and applicable manner first. Leave the post study plan for another essay. Aside from that, the forum has a one essay per thread policy so posting 2 essays in one thread could lead to a suspension of your account. For your sake, I will not respond to the future plan essay in the hopes that the mods will not ban you because I will only discuss one essay in this thread. We can discuss the post study plan as a separate essay in a new thread after you complete your revision work on this one.

While you discuss many aspects of biotechnology in your study plan, you do not really offer the reviewer a solid focus on a topic for your research. Rather than discussing numerous methods for the research, focus either on researching variations that can be made on a single method or try to develop a new method that can contribute to the field of Plant Genetic Engineering. What is your thesis statement? How do you plan to do the research? Why is this research important to your country?

You should not write this as a regular essay. This is a thesis presentation. I hope that you made one in college? Go back to the presentation of the college thesis statement. Remember the format that you used for that? Use it again here. What you currently have is just a general discussion of what you want to learn in the course, it is not about specific interests that you wish to pursue, which is what the goal of study or study plan is all about.

Writing Feedback / My view on Independent Recruiting of Universities [4]

Rayli, you have an under developed opening statement. It seems like you are presenting the discussion to the reader from the middle of the discussion instead of at the very beginning. In order to better develop your essay, you have to first, state a proper thesis statement in the essay. What is the background of the recruiting discussion? Why has it become a heated topic? Why do you say "Elsewhere in China"? What was happening before this? Somehow, I feel like you have not provided me with the complete essay for consideration. There are too many missing elements in the first paragraph that make the second paragraph questionable. Please clarify those points before you proceed with any editing work on this essay. I want to be sure that you are going in the right direction.

Graduate / Motivation Letter for General Linguistics at Radboud University [7]

The time away from the editing of your essay truly paid off. This motivation letter is actually done. You can finally use the letter with the rest of your application documents. At this point, you have already developed a clear explanation regarding the motivation and growth of your interest in General Linguistics. It would seem that the reviewer will be particularly interested to read what else you have to say in relation to your interest in Linguistics and how well you can develop your skills in this field. Remove the reference to the unviersity being 118th in the world as that is irrelevant information that will not help the reviewer consider your own skills, talents, and abilities in relation to your application. After that, review the content of the essay for any spelling or punctuation errors. Once you have done a complete read through, the essay will be ready for submission.

Scholarship / Practical examples to use the knowledge and possible constraints - AAS Essay [6]

Dany, you only need to revise your response for question A in this response statement. That is because you are responding from the point of view of a person who is about to take, or is still enrolled in the masters class. The actual response needs to coincide with the way that you apply the lessons you were taught and learned during your course of study. Therefore, an actual application response is required, in a real time setting. So discussions about doing research are out. The response about collaborating with your Australian counterparts need to be further developed, and how you plan to retrain the English teachers in your country needs to be expanded as well. Your 2 examples will be sufficient, provided it is properly developed as a response. Focus on the improvement of the response to Question A. Question B is sufficiently dealt with in your response.

The revisions you made are relevant to the prompt requirements provided. Since you have yet to take the course and actually experience the difference in the way classes are taught and learn about the different manner of lecturing, module development and the like, it is enough that you gave an overview response for the description. you can't go into too much detail at this point because of those reasons. The second prompt response you wrote is also better aligned to the expectations and offers a better idea of the obstacles you may face when compared to your previous version. If Hussaini doesn't have anything he wants to change or edit, then you could consider this essay to be in its final form.