Writing Feedback / Where do you want to live? traditional vs modern - 'health environment choice' [21]


... this is the question posed on you by the prompt and your answer is;


This is pretty vague and out of topic (almost everybody who provided you with their comments have mentioned that fact). When you state your opinion about an issue or answer a question, try to be very straight forward and sound more direct. It is very important for this task.


modern buildings such as apartments and hotels are built in the city centers and this can have a bad effect on environment.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL :Technology designed to make people's lives simpler often make them more complicated [2]

With newly developing technologies, people are able to carry various tasks more conveniently and easy.easily.


In the introduction you are not expected to cite any examples. The objective of the introduction is to introduce your issue topic to the reader and state your opinion about it.


I feel this is a bit overdone. Since TOEFL has a major bearing on time, stick to the most essential features of your essay structure that can help you earn a decent score :)

Scholarship / Statement explaining why I'm interested in pursuing my education abroad. [4]

The biggest issue I noticed with your writing is that your ideas are so detached and do not create a smooth flow :( .... Let's take this first para;


... I don't understand why you talked about your dream of becoming astronaut if it didn't have any significance to your current personal or academic ambitions. In my view, you should be talking what is relevant for your answer :(

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2: DISTANCE EDUCATION AND CLASSROOM-BASED EDUCATION [3]


This is well presented - concise and clear, but would have been great with a hook :D
With the advent of the Internet, the distance learning has become very popular.

Well, you give three reasons here to justify your opinion, but you fail to produce any specific examples for them. My advice for you is to stick to one reason per body para and support that with an example.

Writing Feedback / Modern parents are more devoted to their children's education than parents in the past. [4]

Yes, you should have included the prompt of the essay so that we can have a better understanding about it. Also, it is better to include the purpose of the essay (e.g. IELTS, TOEFL, GRE etc.) in the title too. That helps you gain more task related feedback from others. The last admin request I have for you is that open this type of essays in the Writing Feedback forum. It's the most appropriate forum for these essays :)

Graduate / Strong motivation,Professional work experience &Analytical aptitude; SOP-MS in CSE/Canada [3]

I think it's better to talk a bit more on your future goals and how this program helps you achieve them. They would be more interested to know about it as they need to satisfy themselves that their course would be useful for your growth. So elaborate more on what your short and long term goals are and then show how this program is going to help you in pursuit of those goals.

Undergraduate / My name is Aminu but people call me yakasai [8]


Why do you separate these sentences with so many commas? Most of them can be fresh sentences :)
My name is Aminu, but people call me Yakasai. I was born on the 1st of January 1997 in Kano where I live with my parents. Kano is one of the biggest cities in nothern Nigeria. My father Sani is (tell what he does for living) and my mother Aishatu is a (your mom's occupation)

Grammar, Usage / An article about world peace and international understanding. [3]

Do you know what the wish people constantly have?


No matter it is the day of Christmas or your birthday, people always wish for a peaceful world.


... I feel you better do away with this line :(
It is evident that we are living in a safetysafe, stable, friendly environment owing to the stablecordial relationships between the countries

Writing Feedback / My Flight to The U.S.A [6]


In a while, the pilot greeted us and made his anouncement "Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen! this is your captain speaking. We welcome you on board Turkish Flight to Houston. flight duration is around 13 hours"


We were served with lunch and then I fell into a deep slumber. I woke up only before four hours to landing.

Essays / Our lives are a journey with regular decision points ; Narrative on moving states [3]


This is nice. I like the way you've given the start :)


I like if you stopped after the leaving behind part;
The moment she said this, I began to think about the town I was leaving behind. Las Vegas, the town where I spent my whole life ! Although I looked forward to moving out, I began to feel upset about leaving my family and friends.

Speeches / Secretary Speech - "Oh, so you want to be the typing person?" [6]


Today, on my way here I met an old friend of mine.


While we were chatting with each other, I just told her that I am planning to run for the post of secretary. Then she said to me in a sarcastic tone "Oh, so you want to be the typing person?"

Her commentremark made me thinkponder,thusand I want to tell you that the reason why I am running for athe secretary's position is much more important than simplya typing task.

Writing Feedback / Vulnerable social groups like youth and elders need social welfare system - IELTS [5]


This is pretty confusing and fails to convey your idea to the reader clearly :(
Second, the old age is a natural phenomenon that everybody has to face someday. Therefore we need to look at this issue from a more humane angle.


There are many elders who do not have the support from their children for various reasons.

Graduate / Business Administration; Motivation letter for Master´s Degree [3]


I like the way you have talked about the background.


... Why you say you are confident about your knowledge? Why not you say you gained such knowledge? I think you better avoid that confident part !


By the end of the second semester 2014, I will be completing my Master's Degree in Marketing at Budapest Business School, Hungary.

Graduate / Letter of Motivation - program in Management / social sciences, law and business [7]


Yes, I too agree with Pahan. This does not add the effect you expect it to add to your writing. Instead it gives a kind of misleading start :(

It is not clear to us why you talk about English in your first few paragraphs. Also I too feel the story you have begun this letter has not got any relevance to the latter part of your writing. I feel you better re-do this letter all over again.

Writing Feedback / IELTS, nowadays it is more difficult to concentrate or pay attention in school. [7]


... this sounds pretty awkward
"The key to tackle these problems " / "The key to address these problems" / "The key to solve these problems"


.... this is a very very confusing sentence. It doesn't deliver any clear idea :(
Do you mean -
The key to solve these problems is having parents more involved with their children's affairs.

Writing Feedback / toefl - governments should spend more money improving on roads or public transportation? [3]


Ok, let's see what mistakes you have done in this intro-
1. You have not introduced your prompt clearly and adequately to the reader.
2. Also you have gone a bit out of topic. (see the highlighted line above)
3. You have some words repeating too often
Let's do this intro as Pahan suggests above;
Roads and public transportation are two most important aspects in our daily needs. (HOOK) Some people argue that governments should allocate more funds for road development and public transportation should be looked at secondarily. (BACKGROUND OF YOUR PROMPT) However, I disagree with this view and believe that public transportation deserves more attention over the roads. (YOUR OPINION)

Also, make sure you include the prompt with your essay next time, for us to understand what it really requires from you.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task II : Male and female number in University (re-write) [5]


To begin with, it is important that universities give priority for the students' qualifications and capabilities when they select them for their degree programs.


For me this sentence is meaningless and does not help you to build a smooth flow to convince the reader about your reasoning. Think simple and write simple. Then your essay would turn out to be a more interesting one to read.

Writing Feedback / Capital Punishment Essay Introduction [4]

Well, this thread should have been opened in Writing Feedback forum (transfered from Essay term paper to Writing Feedback). Also, it is good if you told us the purpose of this writing. Then we can align our comments more with task related requirements.


This is very well written. Again, without knowing anything about your prompt or the purpose, it is difficult to provide further comment s :(

Undergraduate / UCLA Supplement Essay #1: Extraordinary talent/skill. APYLP participant. [4]


Well, I like if you rephrase this to present it with better clarity. I had to read it twice to understand what you meant :(


.... If this is a recurrent happening, why not keep it in present tense?
The organization short list fifty students from the hundreds of applications it receives per year.


I dedicated myself to keep perfecting my role as a student

Writing Feedback / Vulnerable social groups like youth and elders need social welfare system - IELTS [5]

First, I have a small admin request - I found this essay in Essay Term paper forum. However, this should have been opened in the Writing Feedback forum. Make sure all your IELTS threads be opened there :D


.... your prompt does not talk about under what sort of regimes this view is held. So, do not narrow down the scope of your prompt. When you are introducing the background of the prompt, try to preserve its original sense without interpreting it differently.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task I : Coastal Villange changing (Map Description) [5]


The way you have begun the sentence is fine, but the latter part is somewhat confusing.
Follow some common phrases like "Overall".
Overall, a vast development had taken place along the coastal area with many new buildings and roads.


The first diagram
"diagram" is a very commonly used terminology in reporting jargon.

Undergraduate / Social anxiety and inspiration- Circumstance, obstacle or conflict in life [5]


You have a tendency to express ideas in the most complicated manner :D I wish you present these simple ideas in a more comprehensible way. :)


This is a good sentence :)


Tell this more direct;
Dealing with feeling insecure and social anxiety were the most difficult challenges I faced while growing up.

Scholarship / Need help with the SOP for an Internship at USC [4]

Very good advice. I too agree with ScientistShan. The SOP in the eyes of admission officers can be the most important document in the application. Other parts of your graduate-school application like test scores, transcripts, letters of recommendation etc. do not say as much about you as a person as the statement of purpose can: your proudest accomplishments alongside your fondest hopes and dreams. So, it is good to present your SOP more creatively.

Writing Feedback / [ESSAY]: INDUSTRIALIZED NATIONS AND THE DUTY FOR GLOBAL WARMING. AGREE OR NOT ? [4]


very good hook :)


... your prompt says -


.... so, the approrpriate word is not "addressed", but "caused";
It is said that the underlying causes of this problem are mainly caused by the rich industrialized nations and therefore it is their duty to find solutions for them.

You do not answer the prompt effectively. It is about whether you are agreeing with the statement or not. So, give reasons why every country should be responsible. It does not ask you the causes for this situation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task I : Coastal Villange changing (Map Description) [5]


Adopt a tone of reporting for this task. This task is aimed at assessing your report writing skills. This is my suggestion;
The two diagrams contrast before and after the conversion of a small fishing village in the coastal area into a tourist destination.


... Avoid phrases like "As we can see".... they sound too personal and your tone should be more official to report your observations.

Writing Feedback / Renewable sources of energy (sun, water, wind) will soon replace fossil fuels [4]

Include your prompt together with your essay. Then we know exactly what it expects from you. It's important for us to provide you with more meaningful feedbacks. :)


This sentence has several issues - grammar, clarity, presentation.... the latter part is very confusing :(
Avoid writing lengthy sentences. You tend to get carried away at the end of it and make errors. I have provided you a structure to construct the introduction and hope you'd pay attention to that :)

If you post your prompt here, I would be able to make a sample introduction for this essay.

Undergraduate / "Be the change you want to see in this world" ; Why APU? [4]


Before saying this, it is better to connect the quote with your ambition. Tell them what change you wish to see in this world and how you are preparing yourself to see that's happening.

To manageachieve this goal , entering and graduating Ritsumeikan Asia Pacific University is the main path I should go along best place I should be.


... this sentence is disturbing your flow. You don't have to mention this, but keep telling them why APU in a logical order. This sounds verbose :(

Writing Feedback / toefl: Learning with a teacher is more efficient than by myself. [5]


person learns / people learn


... well, do not have the habit of replacing words with synonyms if you do not have a good understanding of their use. "Expedient" is not an appropriate word to pass the message you want . It is very dangerous to use synonyms if you are not sure of their usage as they can give a total different meaning to your idea.

Every person leans in their own way which they think the best and quickest approach for them.

Writing Feedback / evaluating argument : arranged marriage [2]

Most often parents are the initiators of these types of marriages, although other family members and friends may also be involved parties


Traditionally these types of marriages leave very little room for the couple to object the chosen partner for them.


I have chosen two articles relating to arranged marriages, namely ""Why an Arranged Marriage is better than a Love Match?" and "The Problem with arranged marriage". Both these articles were written by anonymous authors.

Undergraduate / Personal Statement Essay for a Graduate Tax Program. [4]


Better improve presentation of this line. Not so clear to me :(


what do you mean by failing classes? Did you fail your exams? Not clear :(
Well, you need to highlight what was your failure in this essay. Be more specific about the failure and tell the reader in detail about that. This prompt wants you to tell them what was your failure and what you learned out of it and how you overcame the failure.

Writing Feedback / Toefl-Government's attention should be on ICT development or Meeting basic needs of people [4]

I agree with Pahan. Your main objective should be to come up with a good essay that contains all the features that help you earn a decent score within the allowed time (I guess it is 30 mins)

Pay attention to the structure that Pahan has suggested.


Instead of vague sentences like these, express your opinion directly before you conclude your introduction.
Read the essays Pahan has given to you to get an idea about he structure.

Undergraduate / Home is wherever I am with my family members; PLACE WHERE I AM PERFECTLY CONTENT [6]


.... your tone should be more lively. You are talking about a place where you found total peace and happiness. "killing time" sounds like you did those things as you didn't have any other thing to do :(

my father had been very strict towith me.

All the memories, hashave been the best bits of my life thus far

Since your idea is to tell them that being with your family is what makes you perfectly content, try to focus more on family relationships and bondage.

Graduate / market development and export; reverse engineering (abstract) [4]


In recent years, issues such as market development and export become great concerns of senior managers of engineering and manufacturing organizations.


This is not so clear.... Do you mean examining countries like Iran ? I really don't get the idea you tried to convey.... You better attend to this sentence.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: kindly check my introductory paragraph (hook, etc) [6]


Yes, I agree with niesaysi :) If your quote is in any language other than English, then you should give the translation. Otherwise your quote would not have any value or effect :)

You do it with this sentence;


... however, it is not very clear to the reader that this is the meaning of it :)
Anyway, a good start :)....


Yes, this is what exactly I wish :)


It doesn't matter your introduction structure is slightly different from what I have suggested. However, it needs to contain those features :D


This is not adequately describing the issue. You need to be a little more descriptive because this is the most important part of your introduction.

Writing Feedback / Toefl - Government should spend money for developing ICT or meeting basic needs of people? [5]

First, I have a request for you - Have a meaningful title for your essay (When you open a new thread, you should type a meaningful title in the "Subject" block. This has been attended by us) That's a forum rule and it also helps you earn more feedbacks. :)

Your essays look pretty bulky and I doubt whether you were able to handle 30 min time for this :( Also, you need to pay attention to your essay structure. I saw Pahan has given a good suggestion in one of your threads. Hope you follow that :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL-AD. Television has had a greater effect on people's lives than the telephone has. [4]


Excellent introduction. Very impressive :) Good structure, grammar, vocabulary, ideas etc.etc. :)


Include some specific examples to support your reasoning. Also, it is good to have one reason per body para. This arrangement would help you manage time efficiently too because this task has a major bearing on time.

Overall, you have excellent writing skills and with slight improvement in the structure you would surely head for a flying score :)

Writing Feedback / [Ielts task 1] Fish and Meat consumption in Europe from 1979 to 2004 [7]

Well, it is actually the quantities of fish and meat that they have taken into consideration in this graph. They have not physically counted fish, so "number of fish" doesn't sound proper. So does the word "figure" and "Quantity" is the most appropriate word to use for this scenario. As Pahan mentioned adopt a more reporting tone for your writing which is strict on reporting your observations. Avoid including phrases that sound more personal. :)

Undergraduate / How to make my essay more rememberable?-Virginia tech transfer [4]

I think this is a very good advice.


What they would be interested in knowing more is why you wanted to be a biologist and not about other related stories. It's ok to tell them if they have a direct link to the reason why you wanted to be a biologist. Make sure everything you say finally would help them understand your decision of changing colleges.

Speeches / Heavy dependence on the Internet [5]


How about not having any such quick access to any knowledge you need to gain? What if that everything's gone in just a blink of an eye?

Google is a good example offor this
Never the less this won't end, but who cares right ?

Writing Feedback / Toefl - Advertising can tell you a lot about a country [7]


Well, you need to focus a lot more on your topic;


Let's align the above idea more with your topic;
Each country has its authentic features that may be very different from another country. The advertisements always attempt to reach out to the minds of people and therefore they tend to contain more local features in their advertisements. Therefore the advertisements are a good source for one to gain insights into a country's specific authentic features.