Letters / Statement of Purpose - My Motivation to Join Information System in University of Melbourne [9]

Hi Bagu, I hope you won't mind if I kick in here with the difference in the meaning of the two words. Though the words are based on the same root word, "delight", there is a difference in the actions taken in relation to the two words. Delighted means to reference a "feeling or showing great pleasure." While delightful indicates something "causing delight; charming." I hope this clarifies the meaning of the words for you. The meaning of the words also explains why there is a difference when using one of the two words in any given sentence. Therefore, the word that you should be using in your essay will be based upon what intention or action you wish to convey to the reader is. I hope that my clarification of the meaning of the words can help clarify the matter of word usage in your essay.

Writing Feedback / Total School Spending in the United Kingdom during three separate decades [3]

Anabel, this essay still contains the same paragraph problem your previous essay had. Please try to write more than 153 words in order to improve your lexical resource,cohesiveness and cohere, and task accuracy score. The mechanical nature of your writing is fast becoming a problem for you. You need to actually spend time reviewing the chart and discovering the best way to present it. Divide the 20 minutes into 2. 10 minutes to review the information and 10 minutes to write your report. That way you truly get to analyze the information provided and allow yourself enough time to develop an essay that can best reflect your understanding of the information. For instance, did you even notice that the best way to write this essay was to write a comparison of the years involved covering the same items of expenditure? That would show a clear analysis of the information and would allow you to develop a better and more interesting presentation for the information. Try to make the presentation a bit more interesting and creative. Go beyond just what the information before you is. Think of how you can deliver the information in a more interesting , engaging, and informative manner.

Writing Feedback / The pie chart describe the degradation of agricultural land productivity in the worldwide. [6]

Anabel, while you did write a little over 150 words, you failed to produce at least 3 paragraphs for this essay. So there is a structural problem in terms of the way that you developed the discussion. The minimum paragraph requirement is 3 paragraphs. So you would score lower in terms of grammar range and accuracy. You may also score less in terms of task accuracy in this case because of the shortness of the discussion. It delivers the impression that you were mechanical in terms of writing this essay. You did not really bother to try to expand on the presentation to try and improve your lexical resource along with the coherence and cohesiveness of your essay. While all of the information that you were given was represented in the essay, I don't think that you can score higher than a 5 with this particular essay. I base that score on the problems that I mentioned earlier in my comments. There are also notable grammar problems that created sentence structure problems.

Examples of the sentence problem include, but is not limited to;

"... land productivity in the worldwide."

the proper presentation of that sentence should have omitted the part that says "in the" it should only be "... productivity worldwide."

That said, you did not do a bad job of representing the information in the essay. So you would probably get a passing score for this work, even with the existing problems of the essay.

Essays / The basic of non-verbal communication skills [6]

Chan, this essay is pretty much easy to write. Just run a search using the keywords "Basics of Non-Verbal Communication" and the search results will return results that correspond to the needs of your essay. Some of the notable articles that you can use in the development of your essay include:

1. Non-Verbal Commuication Modes (Andrews University)
2. Non-Verbal Communication (helpguide.org)
3. 6 fundamentals of Non-Verbal Communication (Kristian Voldrich , study financing.eu)

You can use the information from these websites to form the basic content of your essay. Once you understand what the non-verbal communication skills require in order to make these effective in communicating with others, you will find it much easier to expand the content of the essay. These are the websites that should help you develop a more than sufficient article for the exercise you were given in class. Good luck with your work!

Writing Feedback / Increasing use of vehicles contributes to air pollution and leads to an overuse of natural resources [3]

To, in the opening statement, you should not present a reason in the discussion. You should only offer an overview or give an outline of the topics you will be discussing as per the prompt requirement. So the inclusion of air pollution and lack of resources should not be included in the first paragraph. Instead, just say that you will be discussing the problems associated with the increase of car usage in the succeeding paragraphs.

In the second paragraph, you accidentally associated car use with global warming. While there is a connection, it is very difficult to prove that global warming, as you discussed it is a direct result of increased car usage. Since you provided 2 problems caused by car use, focus on the more believable and easily justifiable discussion instead, air pollution. In these types of essays, presenting one solid and concentrated discussion of a reason is more effective than offering 2 topics for discussion. One of the two will become under developed and useless in the essay. In this case, the cause that become ill effective in the discussion was air pollution, which is the more commonly associated result of increased car usage.

The reference to car pooling and improving public transportation should be discussed as a fully paragraph. This is a new topic for discussion and must therefore, be thoroughly developed and strengthened in reasoning and presentation prior to the conclusion. The conclusion should only close the essay by repeating the information in the opening statement, along with the discussed topics and your own opinion if required, as a recap of the previous discussion.

Letters / Statement of Purpose - My Motivation to Join Information System in University of Melbourne [9]

Bagu, your statement of purpose is really confusing because you mixed your information up. You also focused too much on the academic side rather than balancing it with your work related activities and career advancement opportunities that you have had. Let's see if I can make it easier for you to revise this essay. Let's focus on delivering the correct content for the paper first. Always remember, perfect the content first because the grammar changes as you revise the essay. The grammar correction comes last. That can only be properly completed when you have perfected your content. Believe me, you can spot the errors once the content is complete and if you don't spot it, I will spot it for you.

Now, to better present your purpose in this essay you must accomplish the following per paragraph:

1. Introduce your current line of work and how it relates to your interest in this masters degree. What are the reasons why you feel that you require additional training in this field? What do you hope to accomplish by studying this course in relation to your field of work?

2. Summarize your college studies. Indicate any honors you received, and highlight your most impressive courses in relation to Information Systems. If you are taking a thesis required masters course, discuss your college research and how it might relate to a continued study on your part within the realm of Information System studies. What question do you hope to answer or what innovation do you hope to produce by the end of the course of study?

3. Describe your related work experience. Remove the reference to being an assistant in the programming laboratory from the earlier version of the essay. Discuss it in this new paragraph instead. Provided it relates directly to the sort of skills and academic training for Information System. If it doesn't apply then don't discuss it. Use this paragraph to help establish the kind of foundation or additional training that you received from your workplace that prepared you to take this course.

4. Improve on your discussion about why you chose the University of Melbourne. Do not discuss Australia in itself or Melbourne in particular. Just focus on the academic side. Don't mention the country being friendly to foreign students either. The only reason you have for choosing the university has to be academic or training related. Nothing more, nothing less.

These suggestions should help you get your essay onto the right track as an improved draft. We can look for other shortcomings or points for improvement once you complete the revision.

Writing Feedback / People get information through news, but meanwhile are uncertain about the truth of these news [4]

Ainun, your opening statement would have been made stronger if you had immediately acknowledged your response to the question as to whether journalists should be trusted or not. After all, that was one of the main points for discussion presented in the prompt. So the overview of your response should have been included in the paraphrased question accompanied by the outline of your discussion in the opening statement. This would have made the rest of the discussion your essay stronger and better supported by the opening statement. In the qualities that a good journalist should have, you forgot to include the most important quality which is, journalists should be reliable when it comes to fact-checking their information before publication. Don't forget that the reports of journalists today are in question because of the advent of fake news so that would actually have been the strongest quality that could have been discussed in your essay. It would have also helped to increase your lexical resource score because you would have used the term "fact checking" in the correct manner in your essay.

Scholarship / Scholarship Essay about how important the punishment is itself for educated a children. [3]

Riyan, by improperly stating the prompt in the paraphrased portion of the opening statement, you have officially failed the task accuracy portion of this essay. Then, because you followed up the discussion using the wrong prompt information, you also succeeded in failing the rest of the test. After all, you cannot be scored a passing mark in terms of cohesiveness and coherence as well as grammar range and accuracy when you have shown that you did not understand the prompt instructions at all. The use of gadgets have nothing to do with the essay and yet, you created that discussion as a focal point of the essay. That is an automatic failure in this test. The actual discussion was all about whether or not it is important to punish a child in order to learn right from wrong. Along with that, you were expected to suggest a non harmful way of punishing the child and explain why you believe such a punishment will work. So the first you should have done was restate the prompt in your own manner, then agree or disagree with the caption, then suggest a course of punishment and why you suggest it. That was the outline of the discussion expected for the instructions you were provided. In my opinion, you would never past the test using this discussion.

Scholarship / Objective Study Essay for AMINEF Fulbrigt Scholarship, Master in Industrial Design [3]

Firman, reading your essay really causes severe stress on the reader due to the tense usage problems that exist within it. You use the past and present tenses in an interchanged manner. That means that you use past tense when you should be using present tense and you use present tense when you must use past tense. This clue should be sufficient enough for you to easily spot where the grammar corrections are required within your essay. Your opening statement can only be describe in one word, boring. It does not excite the reviewer to read it because it does not help to establish your study objectives from the very start of the essay. It is a wandering opening statement that does not belong in the essay. The first two paragraphs of your essay needs to be reworked badly because you were unable to entice the reader to keep reading your essay. Try to present your study objectives at the very start, as required by the essay. Don't bother with long winded opening statements. The reviewer does not have the time to read that nor the inclination to have to search for where the actual information as required by the prompt exists in your essay. The latter part seems to better respond to the prompt requirements but, as I said, got bogged down by the grammatical errors. Hopefully, you can correct the tense problems first so that most of the essay problems will be fixed.

Writing Feedback / Who should care more about our health if not we ourselves? IELTS writing task II about healthy life [4]

Reza, your opening statement is confusing because you did not structure the first sentence coherently. You should have used the words "in favor of" when referring to the choice of people to go to doctors and take medicines instead of changing their lifestyle. Sometimes, all it takes is the correct phrase to clear up any confusion in a sentence. That is the case with your opening statement. If you set the opening sentence properly, then the confusion could have been easily avoided. Personally, I understood what you had to say in the successive paragraphs because, while there was a little stress in reading your paragraphs, you somehow got the message across to the reader. Like I said, it was only your opening statement that created the confusion. The rest of the essay really came very close to providing coherent and cohesive details of your opinion. This is not a bad first attempt at writing a Task 2 essay. Keep practicing and we will keep helping you improve your writing skills.

Writing Feedback / BAR & LINE GRAPH - three dimensions on the screens [3]

Gigih, I believe that there was a better way to write this essay which would have improved your overall scores. That would have been to write a comparison of the information stated within the bar and line graphs. In every paragraph, you could have done a year by year analysis or quarterly analysis of the provided information which would have resulted in a more accurate and interesting comparison report in your summary. By writing the summary in your format, you ended up omitting the proper comparison angle as indicated in the prompt. That is also why your essay ended up being so short when it came to presenting detailed information. When you have two charts provided, it is always best to do a year by year or quarterly comparison of the information so that the reader can obtain the most related information in the most coherent and cohesive manner. I hope that you can implement that writing style in your next practice test that provides 2 types of graph for comparison reporting.

Writing Feedback / A healthy lifestyle or dependence on doctors and medicines? Writing task 2 IELTS [6]

Reza, was the topic prompt that you provided complete? I mean, did you cut and paste the actual instructions or did you post a shortened version of the prompt when you submitted your essay for review? The reason that I ask is because the discussion that you followed for the essay does not meet the stated requirements of the prompt. You did a comparison essay when you should have been writing a one sided, opinion essay in response to the prompt. That is why I am not so sure that the prompt requirement that you submitted is complete. More so, that is also the reason why I feel confused by the way that you wrote your response. There are a number of aspects, such as the comparison between a healthy lifestyle compared to doctors and medicine that leave me questioning the validity of your prompt. As such, the essay that you wrote does not successfully represent a persuasive essay, which is the type of essay that you were expected to provide based upon the prompt requirements. If these are the actual prompt requirements that is. Please post the original prompt. Cut and paste it into the response window to satisfy my curiosity. I want to make sure that I give you the most accurate review of your essay based upon the prompt requirements. Thanks.

Writing Feedback / Topic about different standard for performance of male and female [5]

Thuy, is this essay for a research paper, English class, or English test? Please let me know if this is an ordinary research paper or IELTS, TOEFL, or some other test and add the prompt for it as well. Right now, I'll just give you a general review of your problem points. You should make sure that your word usage is clear and relative to the meaning you wish to convey. For example, you confuse the reader when you say "women synonym". To a native English speaker, the phrase does not make sense. It causes stress because the reader cannot figure out what you want to say in the sentence. This affects the whole paragraph and, when the confusing term is repeatedly used, affects the overall message and understanding of the essay. Other examples of this problem in the essay are, "The economy have a little relative side to biology...", "Human distinct is going forward", to name a few more examples of the problem. You also should pay particular attention to your spelling, specially of historical names such as Madam Curie, not Cuty. The other grammar errors are negligible when you consider the more serious problems of the essay. I hope to see grammar improvements from you as you progress with your practice tests.

Scholarship / Reason to study in Korea - Self Introduction : My name is Muhammad [9]

Thuy, different scholarships have different requirements for their applicants with regards to their essays. Some scholarships do not require a specific topic, others such as the KGSP and Ugrad programs have specific information that they want to learn about in the essay that you will be submitting. They have specific requirements for their applicants that you have to fall into for consideration. So before you apply for a scholarship, always double check the required essay information first. The foundation normally posts that on their website or is part of the application packet. The way that your essay will stand out has to do with your qualifications and urgency for a scholarship. Hard work and not just relying on the scholarship for your academic fees are also considered. It all depends upon what the scholarship committee requires as evidence of scholastic need and what they ask you to present as evidence and discussion of it.

I am sorry but I cannot allow you to contact me outside of this forum due to strict privacy guidelines of the moderators. You can always contact me here publicly by posting a thread for discussion. Just make sure to place my name at the start of the discussion so that I will know that you are looking for me and I can respond as soon as I can.

Writing Feedback / Journey of learning English [2]

Miftah, are you writing this as a practice statement for one of your English classes? While I am sure that the grammar is not as good as it can be, your bigger problem is that you do not understand or remember the writing rules. Rules such as the pronoun "I" is always written in a capital letter and that names of persons, places, or things are to be capitalized as well. So the word "English" should always have a capital first letter. You show a manner of clear thought in English though. That means that people can understand what you are trying to say in English even though the sentence structure is not proper. So that is an accomplishment for you in itself.

Attention should be paid to your writing skill in terms of meeting the academic writing requirements. You have the potential to improve your English skills, both written and spoken if you constantly practice and apply the lessons you will be learning both from your teacher and the people here at the forum. Participate as often as you can so that you can practice writing in English. Post your English writing practice exercises here so that you can gain more experience and get additional advice regarding how to improve your written skills. I will be more than excited to help you do that.

Scholarship / Reason to study in Korea - Self Introduction : My name is Muhammad [9]

Ali, this still does not provide the proper information for the KGSP program. The essay for the self introduction letter follows a specific pattern of information that is not found in your essay. The information you have to represent in the letter are as follows:

1. Your course of life, your view of life, study background, your hopes & wishes, etc
2. Your education and work experience, etc., in relation to the KGSP program
3. Your motivations for applying for this program
4. Reason for study in Korea

That is the actual prompt for this program letter. Do not focus only on the education and work experience. Deliver a personal look at your point of view regarding your life so far, based on adult considerations instead of childhood. Then talk about your hopes and wishes for both your personal and professional future. Divide the focus of the essay into relevant discussions that will fit on a single page at font size 10. Do not discuss your future goals in this essay. That is what you should discuss in your post study goals essay. Do not mention the university that you hope to be admitted to. That is a discussion best represented in the study goals essay. Just stick to personal, academic, and professional information in this essay. I have given you the prompt requirements above. Make sure that you balance your discussion based upon those suggestions. Double check your spelling. Make sure that all proper nouns are first letter capitalized. Don't think about the grammar rules right now. Focus on finalizing your content first. The grammar will be the last thing that you have to fix in this essay since your content is constantly changing in the draft phase. Finalize the content, then we can work on the grammar.

Writing Feedback / PTE: Over a billion adults legally smoke tobacco. The long term health costs are high - for smokers [8]

This is an unbelievable improvement over your first essay Ethan. You definitely showed a clear understanding of the prompt requirement. There was also a clear sense of logical discussion, based on facts and evidence within your line of discussion. While your lexical resource and grammar accuracy has some problems, the paragraphs were still understandable. This in turn, made the essay effective enough to support your stance. My scoring per criteria would be as follows:

Content - 3
Formal Requirement - 2
Development, Structure, and Coherence - 2
Grammar - 1
General Linguistic Range - 0
Vocabulary Range - 1
Spelling - 2

Total Score: 11

Good work so far. You need to work on developing your sentence structures in order to create sentences that follow grammatical rules in a more accurate manner. That should help to further improve your score in the Linguistic range.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1; Percentage of British Students able to speak languages other than English, 2000-2010 [4]

Ana, please remember to double check your spelling before you submit your essay for scoring. Keep in mind that points will be deducted for misspelled words, even if it is only because your finger did not hit the key hard enough on the keyboard. The main problem that I see with your current essay is that you do not always meet the minimum sentence requirements in the paragraphs. Take for example paragraph 2 in this essay. You should have included the stand alone sentence, that supposedly created your third paragraph with the second paragraph since that paragraph lacks the sentence requirement. These summary reports can usually be completed in 3 paragraphs. You had the ability to do that with this essay. Somehow you forgot the requirements of the essay and that would definitely affect your final score, even though you included all of the related information in your summary.

Graduate / Motivation Letter for Master in Business Administration to Radboud University [6]

Having work experience normally helps in your application. Usually masters degree students have worked in their field of interest for a few years, gained ample training on the job, and widened their point of view regarding their work because of related experiences. It helps you decide that this is really the career path for you because of the "calling" that you feel to help improve and make your mark in the industry. If you do not have any work experience to speak of, you can also consider presenting your internships or any on the job training that you received during your time of study. The reason that this is considered an important part of your application is because the line of study often asks the student to call upon his work related experience during research studies and class discussions. More importantly, when the student is applying for admission to the course, his resume is compared with the other applicants and usually, those with a notable work experience have a better chance for consideration.

Scholarship / Objective Study for Scholarship Admission - in reference to questions about myself [6]

Bagu, the reasons that you are giving as the justification for your interest in studying in the U.S. is shallow, common, and not really impressive. You just gave a run down of the most commonly known reasons for wanting to study in the U.S. None of which actually relate to you in a form that justifies your desire to study in America. Consider the reasons other than the obvious for your response. Pick a university, name the university, then explain why you chose that university which, surprise, surprise, happens to be located in the U.S. That is the way you form a proper justification. Play up the positives of the university in terms of academic and social appeal. The reason you want to study in the U.S. is because the university that you have chosen is located there. It does not need to be a series of universities or a list of companies. It has to be something that inspires or motivates you to seek higher studies. For the plans in your community, leave your friend out of the discussion. This is all about you and how you can help your community. So use any of the following first person pronouns: I me, myself to describe your dreams and ideas for the school. Keep the focus of the discussion your message and ideas. Don't include non-essential information and persons.

Scholarship / Self-introduction for fashion but I graduated from different field. [7]

In number 3, make a reference to the way that Korea is a leading fashion powerhouse in the Asian region and that is one of the reasons why you feel compelled to study fashion merchandising in Korea. Say something about how it would be best to learn the advanced levels from the leader in the field in the region. That is something that should connect with your discussion in paragraph 4. However, try not to discuss the Korean language since you do not have any formal training in that aspect. Concentrate on the fashion connection instead. It will be a bad idea to compare marketing in other countries to Korea. Don't do that. Just focus on the positive aspect of marketing as you can learn it from the Koreans. The KGSP self introduction letter is very Korea centered so don't muddle the discussion with the presentation of other countries. Change your concluding statement. The KGSP essays have a specific post study goal essay that you will be responding to so don't say anything in the conclusion that will force you to repeat information in the post study goal specific essay.

Scholarship / Self-introduction for fashion but I graduated from different field. [7]

Prapisiri, you will need to explain your academic background in the essay in more than the usual manner because you majored in Japanese but then ended up working in a different field. The explanation will have to show a logical progression that led you to the current career that you have. Use about 2 paragraphs to explain that. The first paragraph deals with your reasons for studying Japanese. Then use a transition sentence to introduce the career that you eventually ended up in. The rest of your discussion plan falls within the parameters of the essay prompts. So I am more confident than usual that you will be able to pull off explaining how you started in languages, then ended up in fashion. We should be able to get a better idea as to how to perfect your essay once you develop your draft copy. Right now, I offer you some guidelines as to how you should discuss a pivotal part of the essay. Things should fall into place once I see your draft letter. Don't forget, post the letter in a new thread. This thread is just for the discussion of the content of your essay. Don't post the letter here.

Writing Feedback / The percentage of Australians from six different household types struggling with poverty in 1999 [2]

Nhi, first up, use a comma instead of a period when indicating information in the thousands. Always follow the method by which the information is written in the chart for information accuracy. If you want to write an accurate presentation of information, you need to go line by line in your presentation. Present the data as it appears in the chart. Don't jump to the end of the chart and then go back to the start. The information in bold should have been discussed in the final paragraph of the essay. By the way, you should try to write more words. Aim for at least 175 in order to help your lexical resource and grammar accuracy score.

You could have expanded the essay by properly outlining the information in the chart regarding the type of families included in the percentage. The types of family represented in the chart are vital to the opening statement presentation. That is supposed to be the overview of the information and type of discussion in the summary report so a representation of the classification and discussion is required in the outline portion. The outline is normally presented at the end of the opening statement.

Since this is your first essay, I will not score your work just yet. I want you to pay attention to the mistakes you made in this essay first, correct it, and learn from the mistakes you made. That way, you will remember to avoid it in your succeeding practice tests. Keep writing, we will help you get better and prepare for your test.

Writing Feedback / Ability of Various Language for British Students - data based on the charts presented [4]

Janice, this is supposed to be written as a pie chart comparison. Therefore, it would be best to write 2 body paragraphs which indicate the complete information from 2009 and then from 2010, using a transition sentence at the end of the 2009 paragraph to connect the two years in information presentation.

Your paraphrasing doesn't follow the required format of at least 3 sentences per paragraph. That is because you failed to include information about the English language as indicated in the original prompt. Always double check your paraphrased prompt for information. Make sure that you represent the all the required information in the overview before you move on to the body and concluding paragraphs.

Your tense usage needs work. All of the information contained in this essay should follow the past tense presentation because these events, studies, and percentage research has already been completed. Therefore, the past form of presentation will be required all throughout the essay. Let me correct the sentences that you are worried about to show you an example of how to write it.

Looking at the students who can speak Spanish only, another language or two languages, a clear 5 % increase for each student group was represented in the years 2000 to 2010.This represented a rise of 30-35%...

In the section about German language you could have said " the percentage WAS unchanged..." .

Then in the final paragraph it should have said "... British students spoke...", with the work spoke taking the place of "speak" in the paragraph since we are dealing with past presentations here.

Do the free online tense usage exercises. That should help to train you regarding the proper use of tenses in relation to written work. Add it to your essay exercises. Combined, the two should help to improve your grammatical accuracy score in future essays.

Scholarship / My idea is about making SAMSUNG the only leading company in Africa [10]

Dawit, the KGSP self-introduction letter actually follows a specific format and required information for you to present in your letter. The current letter that you have does not qualify for their self introduction because you did not properly represent the required information in your letter. In case you did not bother to read the instructions before you wrote the letter, let me repeat the required information here. Your letter must reflect the following:

o Your course of life, your view of life, study background, your hopes & wishes, etc
o Your education and work experience, etc., in relation to the KGSP program
o Your motivations for applying for this program
o Reason for study in Korea

Based upon the above information, it should be pretty obvious that you will need to write a totally new letter. One that actually reflects the required information as per the scholarship program criteria. Once you write the new, more prompt responsive letter, please start a new thread that contains the revised essay. I will help you review and revise your new letter in the new thread.

Graduate / Math level in Philipinnes and Korea. Scholarship Application - Letter of Self Introduction [4]

At this point, you actually have two options. The first of which is, that you try to revise the current letter that you have based upon my suggestions. It will allow you to only change portions of the letter as I have indicated in my previous advice and also give you a chance to quickly revise your work. However, it might also be best if you try to write a new letter instead. While it is harder to start from scratch, you now have my guidelines to assist you in the development of your next letter. So the next letter that you write might come out better and more informative than your previous one. The decision is really up to you. You can try to do a revision of the current letter and also, write a new one. If you do that, you have the opportunity to compare the two letters and choose the one that you feel will best represent your responses to the reviewer. Truth be told, you are the only one who can decide which action you want to take. I can only offer you options to choose from. Whichever you decide to do is fine with me. I'll still help you finalize the content if you want me to.

Undergraduate / My high school courses of Chemistry, Physics and Biology intrigued my desire to pursue Pharmacy [3]

Mickecia, the instructions say "briefly" outline, which means that you are supposed to present your response in a single paragraph. or so. It would actually depend upon how many words or characters that you are allowed to use in the development of your response. Let me know what the word limit is so that I can counter check your work against that requirement. If you go over the required number, the system may reject your application. The response you have provided actually works as a good response already. It doesn't need any more work at this point. The only concern that we should have here is your compliance with the minimum and maximum word count for the response. Once you let me know what that is, we should be able to further strengthen your existing statement.

Scholarship / The Reasons Of Study Preferences - I chose the Journalism Department [12]

In the first paragraph, you can change the discussion to become more appropriate by discussing your personal reasons for becoming a journalist rather than presenting these well known facts and generalized sentiments that people have about journalism. Before you write the paragraph, ask yourself "Why do I want to become a journalist?". List down your answers to the question and then use those reasons to build your reasons for your study preference in Journalism.

As for the second sentence, you can open the paragraph by saying something like "While I do not have formal academic education in Journalism, I do have a foundation of knowledge in the field based upon seminars and training I have previously attended. I attended (list the seminars and training you attended along with the dates of attending) ..." That presentation should be the best way to respond to the requirement. Write that paragraph and I will try to see if there is a better way of presenting the information.

Writing Feedback / First college essay, 10 years since high school. Descriptive essay for basic English 101 [4]

Yes, the presentation of the "Here we go." statement is exactly what I meant. The same goes for the changes in Parris Island. However, I seem to have missed just one comma to help in the presentation of the sentence. Place a comma after "oddly enough" since that is a descriptive term.

I think there is a better way to present the line about native wildlife. You can instead say

"...again. The story goes that they were presumably eaten by ..."

Capitalize the word He in the sentence "Congratulations Marine." since you placed a period after it. Use a lower case form outside of the quote is the quotation itself has a comma within it which connotes a continuing action or dialogue.

With regards to the Physical Fitness Test, it would depend upon whether that is the description of an action or the name of an event. The name of an event would always be capitalized as part of the rules governing the use of proper nouns. If it is just a description of an action,then it should be lower case.

Writing Feedback / The crucial part of being happy lies in one's everyday attitude towards life. [4]

Vi, your paraphrased statement is good. However, I am disappointed that you did not remember to include an overview of the discussion that you would be presenting in the essay. You see, it is not enough to be able to say the topic of the essay in a different manner. It is also important for you to be able to show that you know what points are important to discuss in terms of relevance in the essay. That is why you should strive to outline as much of the discussion you will be presenting to the reader. Just so there won't be any surprises and you will have a guideline in terms of what you hope to discuss in the essay.

I wish you had presented the completed prompt. That way I could make a more accurate prediction of the possible score you could have gotten for this essay. I also have some apprehensions about your extremely short conclusion. It lacks the proper information such as the restated prompt, opinions discussed, and your opinion. Remember, the conclusion is the closing summary of the previously discussed topics and shows that you understood the discussion you presented.

Writing Feedback / The bar chart compares the projected and actual criminal incidents in 2009 and 2018. [4]

Daniette, when you present information based on dates or years in your statement, make sure that you present the digits in the same chronological manner. So the presentation for your information in the opening statement should have indicated "actual and projected crime incidents in 2009 and 2018" instead. Also, the more proper term for the chart would be a Histogram instead of a bar chart. A bar chart is a different kind of chart. The term "huge" does not change in tense pattern either. It is the same whether it is used in past, present, or future form. Using the term "hugest" would have a definite effect on your lexical resource score. The rest of the essay contains minimal grammar errors which did not put undue stress on the reader so it is negligible in terms of your essay development mistakes. The message of the paragraph can still be understood.

Writing Feedback / "You can learn about the character of a country from the way that treat animal" - Practice again [5]

Nguyet, your summary overview along with your personal opinion is good. However, it is too short to be considered a completely developed paragraph. Try to aim for at least 3 sentences per paragraph, maximum of 5 in order to gain a better task accuracy score. Your comprehension skill is scored in the very first paragraph of the essay so it is crucial that you do your best in the very first paragraph of the essay. In this sort of essay, after you present your first pronoun personal opinion, you should shift to the 3rd person pronoun throughout because you are discussing ideas and opinions related to second hand information. Therefore, it is not good to use second person or first pronoun references in the essay. Overall though, this is a very good discussion that should have a pretty decent score even with the minimal problems the developed essay possesses.

Writing Feedback / Gender equality has been achieved? Unlikely. [2]

Daniette, while your paraphrasing an opinion in the opening statement is commendable, it is a bit faulty because you forgot the most important thing that this essay should be reflecting. That is, you should have added an ownership of the opinion by saying "My opinion is that...". After the declaration of your opinion, an quick outline of your discussion should have been included as part of the overview of the succeeding discussion. That is not to say that what you wrote is not effective. All I am saying is that it could have been more complete and stronger in presentation.

Throughout the essay, you do your best not to qualify any statement as being a part of your opinion. I believe that this is not the correct approach to this essay because you are being asked to portray your opinion in every paragraph. Therefore, you should use a first person pronoun in each paragraph in order to establish that. Use the pronoun in the first sentence so that you can always establish ownership of the opinion. This will also show that you are able to develop a first person line of reference in your sentences, which can lead to a more convincing discussion in your essay.

Graduate / Math level in Philipinnes and Korea. Scholarship Application - Letter of Self Introduction [4]

KIm, are you applying to the Korean Government Scholarship Program or KGSP? If you are, let me stop you right now. You have to write a totally new letter. Whether you are applying to the KGSP or a different program, you definitely need to adjust the content of your essay. There are a number of points that need to be removed in order to remove the "pity" factor of this letter and instead, focus on your merits as a student and professional that might catch the attention of the scholarship committee.

For starters, don't open the letter with a story of physical abuse. It is something that is definitely eye catching, but also paints your parents and your childhood in a bad light. Even though you say you are thankful to your mother for doing that, the damage has already been done. You have ruined your family background and will cause the reviewer to wonder what kind of psychological problems you might have that would affect your ability to complete the scholarship. Don't ruin your chances before you even start. Don't mention abuse when you contradict the statement towards the end. Just say that you had strict parents growing up who valued education over everything else for their children. That way your parents come across as supportive and you portray yourself as a person whose parents only want the best for you in life. Consider opening your essay from the current second paragraph instead. That sounds better than the current opening that you have.

Since you were an accounting major who shifted to education, explain how that happened. Sure you saw those out of school youth in the street, but what is the connection with your epiphany about becoming an educator? Specifically, being a Math educator. That is the missing link that could help to further make your essay properly informative in terms of self-introduction.

You definitely have to explain your reasons for studying in Korea. Be more specific about the Mathematical abilities of Koreans or better yet, the reasons why you believe that the university you have chosen is the best place to gain your masters degree. You have to show more familiarity with the training that Math educators receive in Korea and why that sort of training, in your opinion, could result in the creation of a better math educator.

Please proof read your essay for punctuation errors and grammar problems. I will not point those out at this point because you have yet to create a final version of this letter. However, it won't hurt for you to get used to proof reading and editing yourself before submitting you written work. Be on the lookout for those errors and correct them once you spot them.

Again, let me know if you are applying to the KGSP program or a different program. If it is for the KGSP, there are other portions that we can edit after you apply the revision suggestions I listed. If it is for another essay, we can work on shortening the essay in a more informative manner, depending upon the instructions for the content of the letter of motivation.

Scholarship / The Reasons Of Study Preferences - I chose the Journalism Department [12]

You should still revise the first paragraph based upon the instructions that I gave you earlier. However, if you really do not wish to revise that paragraph, I cannot force you to do so. That is after all, your prerogative. In my opinion, there is a lack of personal connection between your course of study and your reasons for pursuing it in the vein that the prompt requires. Again, that is just my opinion. The essay itself though, should only reflect what you want it to reflect.

As for the second paragraph, it lacks a clear academic reference as indicated in the prompt. Did you not attend any journalism seminars, creative writing classes, or anything that relates to previous academic training in this field? We need some sort of academic training to refer to in relation to your study preferences. At the moment, the paragraph still does not work.

Kindly consider all of the specific prompt requirements. Tell me if you understand what is required of you to write or not. If you do not understand the prompt requirements, then I will do my best to explain it to you. Right now, this isn't going to work well as a written representative of your application.

Writing Feedback / Teaching foreign languages at primary school should be optional rather than compulsory. Ielts task 2 [5]

Adam, I am not sure where you got the idea that you can present your opinion in the concluding statement. That is the wrong approach. The personal opinion is always presented in a separate paragraph because the rules of academic writing state that no additional or new information can be presented in the concluding statement. To be precise, the concluding statement should be comprised of 3-5 sentences that do the following:

1. Present the restated prompt discussion.
2. Offer the two opposing points of view.
3. Reiterate your opinion.
4. Offer a closing sentence to conclude the essay.

Also, the proper format for discussing this type of essay, in my opinion is as follows:

1. Paraphrased prompt, two opinions, your personal opinion.
2. Opposing point of view discussion
3. Supporting point of view presentation
4. Your personal opinion in support of the third statement
5. Concluding statement

I find that the aforementioned format for a discussion or compare and contrast essay works best for most essay presentations.

Undergraduate / Soak up knowledge - University of Washington Personal Statement 2017 [4]

Lin, there is a discrepancy in your opening statement. You claim that you enrolled at Seattle Central College to study Korean. Then in the same paragraph, you also state that they do not teach Korean at that College so you moved studied Korean at UW for 2 semesters instead. Exactly how were you able to enroll in a non existent major at Seattle Central College then? That is a confusing statement. Think of what you want to say again and try to present it in a more understandable manner in that paragraph. Kindly review my previous advice again. You missed a number of important points that are required in the presentation of your essay. So far though, this is an improved version, but still a work in progress.

Undergraduate / My most memorable experience: 21st November, just after my birthday; Colony Cricket League [6]

Hi Jnanam, it certainly feels good on our part to know that you are confident enough to say that you can now spot your mistakes and also correct them on your own. We are always happy when we are able to help the students even in the smallest way when it comes to helping them improve their written English work. Don't forget, we are always going to be here for you even if you think you don't need us anymore. Just in case, you are still welcome to post your future written work for our comments and review. If you constantly have your written work reviewed, you will find that your writing skills will continue to improve and you will be learning writing styles and tricks that you did not know before. Just a friendly reminder. I for one am very excited to see the marked difference in your writing styles. Maybe I will have that chance some day soon.

Writing Feedback / Teaching foreign languages at primary school should be optional rather than compulsory. Ielts task 2 [5]

Adam, your essay is flawed in more ways than one. For starters, you are never to present a question in the essay. That is not an acceptable mode of discussion for an essay that is to be based on personal opinion and other facts. Then, there is the even bigger problem of you not presenting a validly developed personal opinion paragraph in the essay that could accurately present your thoughts on the matter. You cannot take the discussion of the two sides individually and pass that off as your own. You need to have a separate paragraph to represent your opinion. You can present that as the second to the last paragraph in your essay. At this moment I am not sure about whether or not I should give you a band score for this essay because of the problems in it that I am sure you can correct once it is pointed out to you.

Writing Feedback / Development and rapid expansion of supermarkets make many local businesses unfit to compete [4]

Kapila, when you are asked to write this sort of essay, it is important that you follow the prompt. That is, you either have to agree or disagree with the statement. You cannot be in agreement with both sides. This essay instruction is quite clear about it, only one side must be presented in the discussion throughout. So this means that while you mention both sides in the paraphrased introduction, you will need to end that paragraph with a clear statement about your agreement or disagreement with the presentation. From that point, the essay should only justify your opinion of the matter. The succeeding paragraphs need to present a clear line of thinking and relevant evidence either from personal experience or knowledge, that will help to further strengthen your stance. Remember, this sort of essay is meant to test you analytical discussion skills. That is why you are being asked to take one side of the issue to defend. Therefore, your essay does not meet the prompt requirements and as such, would not get a passing task accuracy score. That in turn, will endanger the possibility of you passing the test. Your current essay discussion would only work in a discuss both opinions with personal opinion statement, which this is not.