Undergraduate / Personal Profile for University Admission - an episode that taught you something about yourself [2]

S M, due to the one essay per thread policy of the forum, I will only be responding to the first essay in this list. The forum administrators will expect you to post each of these essays in individual threads. If you fail to do so, they will simply delete the successive essays after the first one in this thread. Once they do that, you will not receive any advice for those essays. Please follow the rules and post each essay in a dedicated thread. One topic per thread. For this particular thread, I will be giving you advice regarding only the first essay in the list.

The essay prompt seeks to learn about your character based upon your knowledge of your abilities and and ability to observe your personality based upon your response to the events happening in your world. The essay that you wrote lacks a deep analysis of your character as dictated by the prompt. It is important that you revise the essay to portray an experience that helped you to discover something about you that you did not know before. This could be a strength of character, a sense of empathy for others, or a desire to simply help your community when called upon to do so. There is no such development in this essay.

In your current essay you only speak of the way that you discharged your duties as the captain of your school government. That is not an appropriate way of responding to the prompt because it does not show a sense of character development or point of view regarding your abilities and how it affects other people. Consider the explanation that I gave in paragraph two of my review of your essay when you revise the content of your essay. That paragraph should serve as your guideline for the adjustment of your response in order to deliver the prompt requirements.

Letters / My friend need some information about my country for visiting [5]

Trang, when you are responding to a letter from a friend about a potential visit, you should make sure to include an invitation from you to host that friend in Vietnam. That way, the letter takes on a personal feeling because you can discuss how much fun the two of you can have when visiting places that you would love to take the person. You should offer to become the tour guide because you know the best places to visit and it will help the two of you grow your friendship because you will have shared experiences after the visit is complete. The visit should not just be about telling your friend where to go and why. It should be about the places that your friend can enjoy making memories in because of the experience of going with a friend who is native to the area or country. The current information in the essay sounds more like a travelogue than you enticing a friend to make her idea of visiting your country a reality. It has to sound more personable so that the reader can be convinced that a visit to your country is something that should happen. Try to write another version of the letter. This time, try to include the invitation and fun aspect of the visit. That should improve the presentation and content of your letter.

Writing Feedback / Raising driving age from 18 to 25. [6]

Unfortunately, that is not enough. You see the essay prompt is meant to test your knowledge of current events and / or its influence upon your life. Therefore, you need to discuss it as a totally separate paragraph in the essay. The examiner gives you the chance to prove your English comprehension skills, development of complex sentences, and lexical knowledge of the language by allowing you all opportunities to present your discussion strengths. By simply attaching your opinion to the reasons you provided for the agree or disagree discussions, you are selling yourself short and not allowing yourself to present your English written skills to its fullest potential to the reviewer. For an opinion paragraph, it is always best that you present it as the 4th paragraph in the essay because the weak discussion should be in the second paragraph and the strong discussion, in the third. That paragraph then acts as a supporting paragraph for your opinion so you can manage to just say "I agree with the aforementioned reason for a number of personal reasons. Reasons such as ..." This will then serve to create a strong personal opinion on your part and allow you to further develop the discussion that will prove your analytical English writing skills as well.

Writing Feedback / The possession of car in a proportion of no car, one car, two cars, and more than two cars in Canada [3]

Wahyu, you cannot just rely on the diagram for the explanation in your summary report. That is precisely why your essay does not meet the minimum essay requirements and will most likely end up with a failing score for this essay. For starters, all of your paragraphs are only 1-2 line sentences. You know that the minimum requirement is 3 sentences and yet you did not even try to increase your sentence count in order to meet the minimum word requirement. When you write a summary report essay, you must do more than just list down the information in the chart. You have to make sure that you show the examiner that you understand what the report is all about and that you are capable of explaining it to the reader. This sort of test requires you to do analysis of the diagram and an expansion of the discussion. How you do that is up to you with regards to presentation. What is important is that you deliver in terms of all requirements for the essay. This essay needs more work and you need to learn to read more than just what is presented in the diagrams presented to you. No matter how simple it is, present an analysis of the information provided so that you can score better in the task accuracy and grammatical range and accuracy portion of the essay.

Writing Feedback / Raising driving age from 18 to 25. [6]

Ahmed, while you have written a pretty solid essay, I think there is an important part of the prompt requirement that you forgot to represent. You did not acknowledge having your personal point of view in any part of the essay. Please review the prompt requirement. You missed out on representing a significant part of the essay which would definitely lower the task accuracy score for this essay and possibly prevent you from getting a passing score if this had been an actual test. When you are required to present an opinion in the essay, that is to be presented at the end of the opening paragraph and be fully discussed within the 4th paragraph of the essay. At this point, your essay is problematic because, even though you created the proper discussion for the essay, the missing elements are of vital importance to properly representing the prompt requirements. Due to that error on your part, you ended up discussing the essay in the wrong manner and totally presented an essay that is not prompt adherent. I would not expect a passing score for this essay in an actual setting.

Graduate / Letter of Intent - MFA Child Culture Design - University of Gothenburg [4]

Ade, first of all, please format this letter of intent properly. It should be formatted as a letter but written as an essay. The opening salutation of the letter should read "Attention Graduate Selection Committee" before you begin your narrative in the body of the letter. The selection committee members tend to be sticklers for policy so make sure that you follow the proper block letter format for the essay to the letter.

In the first paragraph, specify your program of interest and your related background if any to your chosen course. From the looks of it, you are going to have a problem with this because you seem to have a different college major that you graduated from. No worries though, you should just make sure that you have the activity or experience to back up your desire to enroll on this particular course. Your opening statement doesn't really grab the attention of the reader so you might want to work on that. An anecdote might be the best way to open this letter since it will help establish your background in the field of study you wish to enter.

The second paragraph should address the reason why you believe that you should be admitted to the university. Normally, proving that you have experience or accomplishments in this field. It seems like you have the work experience to relate as a part of your extra curricular activities. So just beef up the presentation of that aspect. Improve the content so that it shows how you are inspired to approach this field in an even better manner after your education is completed.

Don't forget that the letter of intent needs to represent the reasons why you feel that no other university can help you get the education that you require in this field. Connect that with your future plans or post study goals so that it will seem like attending this university is the only way that you can reach those plans of yours.

The essay that you wrote has potential but lacks the proper direction to develop into an interesting letter of intent. Hopefully, the instructions I gave you will help you to better achieve that goal. I look forward to helping you finalize this letter.

Scholarship / UNC supplement essays, University of North Carolina - something inspiring [4]

Jiang, you forgot the one essay per thread ruling of the forum. I am reminding you about it so that you can post the other essay for advice in a new thread. Remember, the mods tend to delete the second essay that was posted. I know you need advice for that one too so please, place it in a new thread for safekeeping. I can also better advice you if you place it in a dedicated thread. For now, I will focus on reviewing the first essay for you.

You have to clarify something in the essay, was it the activity with the seniors that inspired you? Was it the time spent with them mounting the show and getting to know them better? Or was it the actual show itself because you felt s a sense of self accomplishment along with them? Those are two different sorts of inspiration so you have to focus on one discussion alone as a form of inspiration for you.

I believe, that you should discuss the talk that you had with the seniors as the inspiring moment in this time frame. That is the point of your essay that allows for the explanation of why the people or person (senior) inspired you to mount the program to showcase their talents. Remember, the essay asks you to discuss a person, place, or thing that you find inspiring. The show is an event and does not classify under any of the three choices you were provided.

Graduate / Design, graphic and art is in my heart. Statement of Purpose for MFA in Visual Communication @SAIC [4]

Astha, your statement of purpose is too long and totally deviates from the required information presentation during the early part of the essay. It would be in your best interests if you make it clear from the opening statement that your purpose for these higher studies relates to proper academic foundation and training in the visual arts due to a change in career path. That is after all, the point of all the words that you wrote at the start. The backstory is not necessary at this point. It is the purpose that is important. Once you establish that you are looking to change your career path, you can then explain how you had an early interest in visual arts due to your stamp collection and the London experience that you had. Do not discuss your grandfather's stamp collection. That is totally irrelevant in terms of required elements of the essay.

Focus your purpose on showing that you have actually done some preparations on your own for future visual arts studies. Emphasize your development as a graphic designer so that the change in career path will appear logical and seamless. Show that you will not struggle as an MFA student. The proof that you are able and ready to complete this program is of the utmost importance in this essay, along with the idea that the university will be an integral part of this gradual progression to a new career.

Depending upon how you revise your essay, we may need to add more information to it or just adjust the content in order to make it more relevant and interesting to the reviewer. I hope to read your revised essay soon.

Scholarship / Your course of life, your view of life, study background, your hope & wishes. [12]

Diga, your essay is too matter of fact. That means you just present the information required by the essay without considering adequate explanations which can help the scholarship committee learn more about you, your future aspirations, and what obstacles you have had to overcome in your life. There are snippets of these things in the current essay but it isn't developed enough to properly introduce you to the reviewer.

Your course of life should discuss your background, not your mother and her work, nor your family life. If anything, the discussion of your course of life should include the relationship that you have with your family up to present. It is not necessary to introduce the family members and their stories individually. It just matters what your relationship is with them.

Your view of life can come from the life experiences that you have. From its difficulties and accomplishments. However, you should not take on a negative point of view of the kind of life that you have lived. The message of a hopeful future through education should be evident. This connects directly with your study background. When you discuss this portion, make sure to include any academic achievements that you might have. Scholarship committees pay particular attention to academic excellence in their candidates which is why the foundation has a minimum grade requirement for their scholarship applicants.

Hopes and wishes for your future should relate to where you see your life headed after you complete this particular course of education. Think of your life in at least 2 years time. How much would you have turned it around by then? What kind of life do you think you will be leading by then? Will you owe it all to the additional education that you received thanks to the scholarship? Mention that and indicate how pivotal this scholarship will be to your achieving those goals.

Scholarship / Bucknell University Scholarship for Creative Writing - Ray Bucknell! [7]

The poetry magazine hasn't published anything since 2011 so it may not be an active part of the student publication roster anymore. Try to look up The Bucknellian instead. That is the weekly student newspaper that is still in active publication. Don't use information that may not be up to date. Always go for the most current information that you can find. Try to see if the weekly newspaper could be something that can take the place of Fire and Ice in your essay response.The information that you have written in blue is acceptable as far as I am concerned. It has a direct relation to the prompt expectations and therefore, can help you increase the relevance of your response. The overall essay is vastly improved by that inclusion. My only worry is about the reference to "Fire and Ice". I suggest that you look up The Bucknellian online as a possible replacement for the previous one. I think that it can still work for your purpose.

Research Papers / Different forms of Diabetes Mellitus that a person can be affected by. [3]

Will, a peer reviewed article such as this still requires the same information be placed in it as a research paper. So the first point of discussion for your peer review should be, what is it about? It can't be something as simple as just defining the different Diabetes types. what is your purpose? Is this a peer review for a previously written article that dictates a new course of treatment applicable to all 3 types of diabetes? It doesn't seem that way. This is just a definition essay at this point that does not clearly state what you are reviewing and why we should care about it.

In writing a peer review, you have to first indicate what the title of the article you are reviewing is, who wrote it, when it was published, and where. After that, you should explain the relevance of the article for a particular target audience. Then, you offer your opinion regarding the content of the article. Highlighting certain instances using in-text citations in support or contradiction of your opinion. I do not see anything that would qualify this as a peer review at the moment.

Maybe your professor has given you a specific set of questions to respond to in the development of your peer review? That would explain why your peer review has this particular presentation slant. If you have guide questions, you need to provide those so that I can accurately review your work in relation to your professor's expectations.

Undergraduate / Ivey AEO Activity Essay #1 - my candidacy to be enrolled in the HBA program [8]

Combining the paragraphs just might work. Your current paragraphs have more definitive presentations of the skills as required in the prompt. However, I am not sure about how you plan to combine them. I have something in mind but I don't want to influence your idea as to how you plan to mix and match the content of your essay. I would like you to merge your past and present essay in the manner that you feel best represents your idea for your response. After you do that and I review your work, I will be able to present you with a more accurate instruction regarding finalizing your content. Overall though, these new paragraphs are great. Make sure to replace the old description with these new ones in the essay. Totally remove the original references you made. I think your essay will become more prompt adherent once you complete that process.

Undergraduate / The features of nursing profession. NURSING PROGRAM ADMISSION ESSAY [5]

Chloe, I apologize for what I am about to say because I am going to run in contradiction with the others who have already advised you. I feel that you have taken the wrong approach to the discussion. Since you are being asked about how you plan to embrace the diversity of your patients a nurse, it is imperative that you show the reviewer that you are already doing that in your current profession as a nursing aide at the home. Therefore, it will become clear to him that you already embody the traits that the university requires you impart to your patients in the future. So that will make you appear to be a stronger and more worthy candidate for admission to their university. You will be seen as a true asset to the nursing program because you can help influence the other student nurses to become like you in terms of learning how to embrace the cultural vitality of the patients that they will come across but whom you have already dealt with.

Scholarship / Describe leadership experience in 250 characters including spaces [6]

Messal, I edited your response down to 236 characters in order to just highlight your leadership skills. I know, it doesn't sound anything like what you wrote but trust me, this is the best possible presentation for your response due to the highly limited character count. Have a look at it here:

As the QMS Implementation Supervisor at Prima Solusindo Consultancy, I use technology and data analysis along with sustainable development to create effective and efficient business processes that provide organizational development.

I suggest that you use the above statement for your response. However, if you feel that you can come up with something better based upon the above example, then go ahead and try your hand at it. I will assist you whenever I can.

Graduate / Personal statement - Master in Analytics - Descriptive analytic to improve businesses' efficiency [13]

Thu, where is the overview of your college education? How does your college education relate or how did it prepare you for these masters studies? If your college course is not related to this particular course of study, you should still mention it in reference to why you decided that you should change your career path. You do imply a change in your career path towards the end of the essay so it just might work to strengthen the essay content.

Read the second paragraph of your current essay. Doesn't it fit better if you use it as an introduction to the reasons why you have chosen to study in this particular university? It is my belief that your concluding statement will become stronger if you move the second paragraph to above the current closing statement and then place the information about your college background in the second paragraph instead. There is still a missing link in this essay and I believe that the college information is that missing piece.

Scholarship / McGill: A Contemporary Figure and how does he inspire me [2]

Alex, point of warning about the title of your essay. You can't use the prompt requirement and the name of the scholarship for the title. You need to come up with an interesting title for your essay and not just use the prompt for it. The moderators are very strict about that and they often send out warnings and do not hesitate to suspend users if they can't come up with creative titles for their posts.

The essay itself needs to be rewritten because the focus of the discussion is wrong. From the moment that you mentioned Elon Musk, you should have presented the reasons or methods by which he has managed to inspire you. This is all about making Elon Musk your role model in life. You know what his most marked accomplishments are in his professional life. How have these accomplishments inspired you to do something similar in your own life? Perhaps he has inspired you to study something? Maybe you are studying a course that relates to an idea that he had for a future technological development? Or maybe he has just inspired you to create a better world for everyone concerned. How have you used his inspiration in your own life? That is not clearly reflected in the essay.

In this essay, the prompt asks you to consider how you would have been influenced by the person. From that part of the prompt alone, it is clear that you are not being asked to discuss the accomplishments of this person as the center of the essay. It is the connection between your dreams, ideas, and aspirations, in relation to Musk's accomplishments that should be presented.

Writing Feedback / Topic is "Science, not art or literature must be taught at universities" do you agree or not? [3]

Hajar, first of all, you will need to learn how to develop more interesting titles for your posts other than just paraphrasing the prompt questions. Users here have been banned for not using creative titles for their posts. I hope you will be able to come up with a more creative title with your next new thread. I would hate to see you get banned on such a simple technicality. Now, about your essay...

When you are asked to agree or disagree with a statement being made in the prompt, you must reflect that in your opening statement. The opinion that you will be supporting, whether in support of or not in support of the topic, is the whole point of your essay discussion. You state your opinion then support it with facts or experiences from your own life or knowledge. In this case, you should have presented information in the first paragraph that clearly indicates that you support a variation of the prompt proposal due to a number of reasons. Those reasons, would create the succeeding paragraphs in your essay as you have those sections developed now.

Failure to properly address the prompt requirement in the opening statement will result in a lower Task Accuracy score for you in the actual test. Don't leave anything to chance. Always make sure that you represent all of the prompt requirements in the opening statement. That is the most critical part of your essay.

Scholarship / Describe leadership experience in 250 characters including spaces [6]

Messal, you have to think of writing this statement in terms of sending out a tweet. While I do not advice that you use tweet language in the response, the only way that you properly develop this response is by developing your response in a similar, but properly worded manner. For example, cite the most important leadership experience that you have. The full content of that sentence should be as follows:

Name of organization + leadership position = leadership experience
Problem of your country + relation to your study program = Benefit of studying in Sweden

Change all of the content of your current statement. Use the outline I provided above to help you develop a more relevant response to the essay. It should not be too hard to do since I am already telling you the way to format the response. Your revised statement should fall within the 250 character requirement if you write it up in the suggested manner.

Writing Feedback / Writing Task 1: average carbon dioxide (CO2) emissions per person in four countries [3]

Arlen, your report summary is good, but it could have been better. You merely restated the facts as it was presented in the chart that you were given to analyze. However, the proper and more complete approach to the report presentation would have been if you did a complete comparison analysis of the provided information. Note how the lines in the chart intermingle and overlap one another at certain points? Those are the comparison points that should have been included in your discussion. By presenting those comparison aspects, the essay would have been more informative and would have easily met the paragraph development requirements in the final presentation. Remember how each paragraph has to have at least 3 sentences in it? Look at your essay, you missed a few sentences in paragraphs 1 and 2. The conclusion of the examiner will then be that the information that you are providing is incomplete. He would be right if he assumed that because you did not properly develop the accurate summary report of this illustrative chart.

Graduate / How did you solve a problem and the results? - Texas Austin MSBA Essay [5]

Like I said in my previous post, version one is more professional and should work better with this essay. If you have the same gut feeling, then you must be on the right track. I once told one of the students here that when you write your application essays, you cannot go around asking for the opinion of your friends regarding which essay is better and which you should use. If you are listening to more than one person regarding advice on the improvement of your paper, you have to choose whom you will officially listen to. Your classmates may have opinions ready to give you, but they may not have the correct understanding, mindset, and analysis of what the essay requires. Only a professional can help you do that and that is what we are trying to do for you here.

Speeches / A speech about the quote "United we stand, divided we fall." [2]

Anwar, try to develop your opening statement. It is not very engaging at this point and does not even try to give a common sense explanation for the quotation before you present the explanation about the bulls. With regards to the bull story, take out the "once upon a time" reference. This is a speech. Not a fairy tale reading to a child. The story that you are telling is lacking in content and explanation. There has to be an illustration of the problems that existed within the bulls that led them to be easily deceived by the lion as he approached them individually. Without the reason for the weakness in the unity of the bulls, the ease with which the lion was able to make them turn on each other is not easily understood. It creates a loophole in your story which will leave your listeners confused. The purpose of a speech is to educate the listener, not confuse him with your blurred facts. You have to better develop your presentation in order to remove the confusion and better state your explanation of the quote before you can read this speech in your class.

Undergraduate / Why Lafayette? Comparing myself to a French general [2]

Khoa, try not to pose questions in your response essays. These essays are meant to be direct to the point and not waste the time of the reviewer. I know that you love to get creative in your response but there is a time and place for those types of responses. In this case, you just need to get direct to the point by simply stating facts. For example, you could still use the same line of thinking if you just say :

Just like General Lafayette, whom the college is named after, I see myself as a person trying to successfully traverse two worlds. He sailed from Britain to serve the New World, I am trying to get the my own New World in the United States to serve a higher purpose for myself and those around me...

Don't offer the reviewer a chance to ponder your statements, He doesn't have the time. Just state the facts as simply as you can. Be straight forward. Remove the questions, your response becomes stronger that way. As for the quote, don't waste it at the end of the essay. Try to find a way to use it somewhere in the first paragraph if you can. It shows the familiarity you have with the background of the university, so don't squander it by using it as part of the conclusion.

Graduate / Personal statement - Master in Analytics - Descriptive analytic to improve businesses' efficiency [13]

Thu, you have to include a complete discussion of the statement of purpose in the essay. Remember the instructions I gave you for developing the essay in thread numbers 2 and 4? If you follow those instructions to the letter, you will be able to properly develop the essay in terms of relevant information. The requirements that I pointed out are require elements of this sort of essay, with the addition of your strengths and weaknesses discussion as those portions are add on, specific information required by the university you are applying for admission to. If I am going to use bullet points to guide you in the development of this essay, I need you to first provide me with the newest version so that I can figure out which parts still need to be represented or improved upon. Can you do that for me?

Graduate / How did you solve a problem and the results? - Texas Austin MSBA Essay [5]

Dhruv, definitely go with version 1. The reason that I am asking you to use that response for the prompt is quite simple, it is the most relevant to the prompt scenario provided. By displaying a concrete work related experience, you manage to show the reviewer a number of important traits as a potential team member or team leader. These are the ability to recognize the problem, analyze the situation, focus on developing a solution to the problem, organizing and delegating the tasks involved to members of the team, and finally, supervising the team towards achieving the goal of the task. Your problem solving skills are evident and allows the reviewer to see you at your most professional problem solving level. You have delivered the prompt requirements in the best possible way within your first version essay. Great revision.

Writing Feedback / A white paper ready to be filled. Kids' the best teacher is their parent. [2]

Housseyne , since this is the first time that you have posted here, I am absolutely sure that you don't have any idea regarding the rules of the forum yet. You are required to post the prompt requirement that accompanies your practice test. That is because we need that prompt to help analyze your weaknesses and strengths in writing these essays. It also helps to give us an idea as to how you might be scored in an actual test. So kindly post the prompt here as soon as you can for a more accurate review and scoring of your essay. In the meantime, I am going to offer you a general review of your essay.

Your opening summary is incomplete and not in compliance with the required length of an opening paragraph. The information does not carry a complete summary of the prompt or proper paraphrasing either. Even though I do not have access to the complete prompt as of this moment, I can already tell that there are important sections missing in this particular paragraph. I would love to read the actual prompt in order to better direct you in developing your paraphrased prompt paragraphs.

Properly developed paragraphs need to be at least 3 paragraphs long in order to be considered format compliant. You are not allowed to pose a question in the essay if you are not going to provide a response to it. These are the more common problems that exist in your essay right now. This review covers everything from the first to the last paragraph that you have written. I can give you a chance to write a better , guided essay once you provide the prompt to help me with a more detailed review.

Essays / Help me to decide the content, length, structures of the scholarship essay below. [4]

Nanda, didn't the prompt offer you any idea regarding the length of this essay? The instructions did a pretty good job of describing the content of the discussion though so I am surprised that they did not offer you a more specific instruction regarding the length of the brief. Being a brief, you are expected to write a summary of the activities that you have listed. Depending upon the number of activities, the paper could go on for as long as 5 pages. However, I believe that writing 3 pages will be more than enough provided you have chosen to represent only your most impressive activities and achievements in the fields indicated. There are some instances when even 2 pages will be sufficient. It all depends upon how you present the information. I always say that it is better to go long in content and then whittle it down for the most important and impressive presentations after. You can always edit yourself better when you have said everything that you want to say. You can personally tell if you are running long, have redundancies, and if your presentations are still relevant, just fillers, or are unimportant to the overall essay. Everything is up to you. I can only guide you regarding the content and length, or even the structure, after you have made your draft. Good luck. I hope to read the draft here when you are done with it.

Scholarship / 'the idea of being a doctor has developed in my mind' I am writing an essay for APIASF scholarship [4]

Hi Vy, I was really sad to have read the essay that you developed. You did a good job of mentioning the personal side of your immediate academic goals. However, the essay prompt is asking you to consider your short and long term career goals instead. So while your plans are noble, these are not the plans that can win you the scholarship. There is a need for you to find the time and the inspiration to be able to write a totally new essay regarding your short and long term career goals. Yes, it has to be about your career , not academic goals. The scholarship is going to help you prepare for your future so they want to know how you envision your future to be after they have helped you with your studies and you have already graduated. Consider the kind of career that you can have immediately upon graduation. Make sure to discuss the career plans that you have for at least 3 years. Then stretch your imagination even further, think about where you can be in 5 years after graduation. That is long term enough. Anything longer in term than that will require you have acquired even higher educational recognition. So focus on your professional future for the discussion of this essay. That way, you will be able to properly respond to the prompt.

Undergraduate / University of Delaware Essays; me as a student, being treated unfairly, great accomplishment [3]

Nick, are you familiar with the University of Delaware? I am sure that you have some sort of backgrounder on the extra curricular and academic offerings of the university since you had to complete an ample amount of research before you decided to apply for admission there. So you pretty much have an idea as to what kind of academic and extra curricular activities the university offers its students. It is based upon that information that you should write your essay. When you are asked where you think you will feel most comfortable in the university, the response could be anything from "In my dorm room" to "The school cafeteria". The reasons can be as varied as you want it to be, you could say something about a habit of eating while studying or just wanting to hang out with friends in the common areas of the dorm.

With regards to where you will need to stretch, this has more to do with the kind of extra curricular activities that you have in mind. Stretching in this instance has to do with your character development and community service or civic mindedness. How do you plan to become a better participant in the community? What interests do you have that you can stretch into a way that you can be of a positive influence on others? Think along those lines.

As Chizram pointed out, the problem with your essay is that you misunderstood the prompt. The response no longer has to do with your high school experience. It has everything to do with your forthcoming experience in college. There is no need to identify whether you have visited the campus already or not. In this case, such information is irrelevant. Your familiarity with the university can have come from anywhere and the reviewer won't care. What will matter to him, is that you actually know how you can enjoy your off academic hours at the university.

Graduate / Personal statement - Master in Analytics - Descriptive analytic to improve businesses' efficiency [13]

Thu, I am more than happy to respond to your questions. I'll respond to you in the same numerical outline so I won't have to repeat the questions below. I will offer you my review of your new essay immediately after that.

1. Since the weaknesses are a required discussion in the essay, I suggest that you do not totally leave it out, but you don't discuss it in too great a detail either. Instead, discuss the weakness as a possible strength for you if it is honed properly through the academic training that you are about to receive. Say something about how these are not real weaknesses but rather strengths, that were under developed during your college study. It is important to spin the weaknesses that you have into a positive note because if you admit that these weaknesses cannot be fixed by academic enlightenment, then there is no sense in your going to masters school.

2. While you actually combine the first three paragraphs of this essay with some new content, I do not really advice that students do that because colleges are wise to application plagiarism among students. The universities really want to see new and focused essays based upon their university prompt requirements. I suggest that you do self-plagiarism instead by rewording the first 3 paragraphs to become more applicable to the new university. Rather than risk your essay being flagged should the reviewer wish to run your work through a plagiarism checker.

Your statement of purpose contains a logical career development path but does not contain the other elements that I indicated you need to include in your statement of purpose. Please keep in mind that you are being allowed anywhere between 2 - 3 pages for this full essay discussion. So make sure to include all pertinent information. Aim for at least 500 words in your essay. That should be sufficient enough to get you through this,

Undergraduate / Exchanging ideas and sharing experiences. Applying in scholarship, Essay about my interests. [12]

Alinda, there are a number of changes that you have to implement in this essay so that you can properly develop your content. Right now, the problem with what you have written is that it does not identify the activities as specified in the prompt requirements. That should have been done by presenting each activity as a clear and separate paragraph to the reader. The way you have the essay set up right now, everything is just a jumble of words that doesn't really represent a coherent thought process. Keep the keywords in mind as specified in the prompt. Each paragraph should use the keyword applicable to your activity so that the reviewer will know exactly what you are talking about in the paragraph.

Another change that you have to make is in the identification of how you participated in these activities. If you were part of the journalism club at school, tell the reviewer the name of the school club. When you did your charity activities, you should have been part of some sort of charitable organization or club, so it is important that you share the name of the club or organization as well. These sorts of identifications will allow the reviewer to confirm that you actually participated in these activities in the manner that you relate in your essay.

Those are the basic changes that you need to implement in the essay. There is a chance that you will have to make some other changes to your content depending upon how your new presentation will look. So I hope you have a long deadline before submission. We have our work cut out for us.

Undergraduate / I discovered the art of filmmaking. MSU Personal Statement [4]

Anaija, consider film making as the focal point of your talent that you wish to share with the student community. Think about how this can help you enhance the life of those on campus. Describe how you make films. What inspires you or what your passion is that drives you to make films. Have you ever shot films of your friends or classmates just to make a nonsensical or fun video to present to them? You know, do you make films to help your friends relax, get to know each other better, or even, just to allow them a venue where they can express themselves? Think along those lines for an example that you can present in this essay. Describe how film making, not as an art form, but rather, as a venue for developing friendships or improving the overall student relationship in the community will be your contribution to the MSU community. That is how this essay should be approached. Share an example of how film making helped you with your friends and then share how you hope to do something similar as an MSU student.

Writing Feedback / Introductions and Overviews IELTS [3]

George, when you are presented with an and / or question in an essay, such as the one above, this indicates that a comparison essay is expected in the response. Why is it a comparison essay? Simply because it is asking you to consider two sides of the discussion. The pros and the cons of each side have to be accurately displayed in the essay discussion. So if you have 5 paragraphs to write it, you have to write it in the following manner:

1. Overview summary with your opinion indicated. Remember to say that both opinions will be discussed in the essay.
2. The negative opinion discussion
3. The positive opinion discussion
4. Your personal opinion (if required)
5. The concluding paragraph.

Keep in mind that you have to discuss the point that you personally support in the third paragraph, if your personal opinion is required so that your opinion will have a strong foundation to be based upon. If your personal opinion is not required, then you can interchange the positive and negative discussion since the conclusion will be based on a general discussion and will not require a restatement of your personal opinion.

Undergraduate / Ivey AEO Activity Essay #1 - my candidacy to be enrolled in the HBA program [8]

Mahnoor, in the second paragraph, you need to separate the paragraphs so that you can clearly show that you as speaking of two different leadership abilities. Separate the Grade 10 activity from the Grade 11 activity because I see two different leadership characteristics presented. Make sure to use the keywords, the words written in bold in the prompt somewhere in each paragraph as you describe your leadership ability. That way you are sure that the reviewer will be conscious of the leadership talent or ability that you are displaying. Don't leave anything to chance. When you don't use the keywords, it will seem like you are just discussing one leadership highlight in your personality. Remove your final paragraph for now. It doesn't fit in with the prompt requirements. Give me some time to help you develop a more relevant conclusion. I want to get a feel of how you will revise the essay first.

Undergraduate / Investing in human development through education and research for national energy defense [5]

Zaki, this is a tremendously long personal statement. You have not left any stone unturned in your essay. In this case, that is not a good thing. The personal statement went overboard and ended up becoming a statement of purpose instead. Since this is an application for a masters degree (if I am not mistaken), then you need to remove a number of portions from this personal essay because those discussions belong to the statement of purpose instead. Rather than telling you what to remove from this essay, I will allow you to review your essay so that you can remove or retain the parts that you feel are important to your personal statement. I will however, explain to you what the content of your personal statement should be.

The personal statement should accomplish one thing alone. That is to prove the development of your interest in this particular field of study. Now, since you are no longer a college student, the development of this interest should be reflected mainly within your professional experience. The reference to your college studies should be minimal in this instance. A focus on your relevant internships and career development as now will serve to prove the logical considerations for your higher study. Additionally, the reasons why you considered this particular program at this university should be given a summary form of presentation in the personal statement.

The full development of your career plans, post study goals, relevant experiences, thesis statement and relevant research objectives should also be discussed in the statement of purpose. An even the more in-depth discussion of how the university can help you achieve your ambitions in your professional life will be best discussed in the SOP as well. For the personal statement, it should not be more than 5 paragraphs long. However, that could change depending upon the word count requirement of your essay.

Undergraduate / 'the choice to change the world' Spelman College Transfer Essay [11]

Hi Marie, since professors will be reviewing your transfer application it will be best if you stick an academic discussion that properly adheres to the prompt requirements. What would be the best way to do this? The way I see it, you should consider your current major and, if you will not be changing majors at Spelman College, you should discuss your academic strengths and social or student community accomplishments along with it. When you discuss your college experience delve more into the accomplishments that you may have achieved up to this point. As a transfer student, you are expected to be an asset to the college and, as the prompt implies, the professors are looking for reasons to consider you as a potential academic achiever at their university. Do your best to reflect the fact that you can be both an academic and social achiever within their campus. So present academic achievements, mention your classes that have the best possible grades you have to offer and explain your social participation at your current university and why you feel that you can continue to do these activities at Spelman.

Right now, the essay is definitely unfocused. Your first half doesn't really jive with the prompt requirements and only serves to be a lengthy introduction to the slightly more focused later portion. It is important that you revise the essay so that you directly address the expectations of the professors who will be considering your application. Make sure that you call their attention to the pertinent reasons within the first few sentences of your essay because without it, the essay ends up wandering almost aimlessly while you try to make your point. Don't waste their time with flowery words, they have a pretty hefty number of applicants for transfer to consider.

Writing Feedback / Solutions for traffic jams in Ho Chi Minh City [4]

Nam, if you provide me with a copy of the prompt that you are responding to, I can also tell you the score that you could possibly get for this essay. That way you will know how far from or how close to a 6 you may score in the overall band. Don't worry about your grammar. You got your points across quite clearly and, even though some of the words that you use seem to be a bit stern, the flow of thought was not affected. As a part of your grammatical range and accuracy, I feel that you don't have anything to worry about. The parts of the scoring that you have to worry about are your task accuracy and lexical resource. From what I can tell, your cohesiveness and cohesion is also acceptable. Again, the prompt is necessary for a more accurate review of your work. The grammar problems are the least of your worries at this point.

Writing Feedback / Solutions for traffic jams in Ho Chi Minh City [4]

Nam, I am not sure about what you are trying to do here. Is this an IELTS article summary essay? A TOEFL discussion essay? Or an English writing class assignment? The purpose for which you wrote the essay for will dictate the proper review for it. So if you have a prompt for this essay, as well as an article url, please remember to provide it so that you can receive more accurate feedback.

In the meantime, I have to tell you that the essay offers a pretty good overview for the discussion of the implied topic. However, the essay lacks in terms of early examples of the traffic solutions applied in other countries that Ho Chi Minh City could emulate in order to solve the city's own traffic problems.

Your essay lacks a full development of discussions for the ideas and that you present. Each of your ideas should be better developed in separate essay paragraphs instead of being lumped together in a confusing discussion in the single paragraph that you have now. Try to to create more accurate discussions and develop your suggested ideas in order to make the discussion more informative and enlightening / educational for the reader.

Graduate / Personal statement - Master in Analytics - Descriptive analytic to improve businesses' efficiency [13]

Thu, when you write a statement of purpose, you need not indicate what you feel your academic or theoretical weaknesses are. That is because your weaknesses are unrelated to the purpose of your masters degree studies. The reason you want to focus on a masters degree is for further career advancement. Therefore, it is best to only discuss your strengths, in relation to your future career plans or purpose of your higher studies. The masters classes are meant to help you enhance your skills in the academic, theoretical, and practical scheme of things, so there is an automatic assumption that you will be able to strengthen all aspects of your profession related needs in the process. Replace the discussion of your weaknesses with a summary of your most notable professional achievements and all your work related experience. This will include the names of the companies that you worked for and years of service, along with descriptions of your duties and responsibilities. I suggest that we start with these simple but relevant corrections to your essay. As you progress with the editing, the other irrelevant portions will be deleted. At the moment, I want to see which parts might connect to the next revision you will be making. So this essay will be an editing work in progress. Please be patient as I try to help you finalize your paper ok? I swear, it will be worth it.

Writing Feedback / What would I do if I were a billionaire? [5]

Krystof, are you writing this essay as part of your English writing classes? The topic is unique and not academic in nature so I am guessing that this is not for a college application. Or is it? Please correct me if I am wrong. You have written very good foundation sentences for your paragraphs. What you have to do is make the paragraphs better developed by further developing the ideas you presented. For example, when you talk of the need for hospitals in your country, tell the reader what kind of hospitals these will be. Will it be community hospitals subsidized in funding by your money and the government? Or will it be a charity medical center fully funded by your foundation? Speaking of foundations, you do know that billionaires spend their money by giving money to charity through their foundations right? So I think you should first establish that as a billionaire, you will first start a foundation for general needs in your country. That way you will be able to properly spend the money that you wish to donate to the causes and advocacy that mention in your essay.

Like I said, you have good topics for discussion. The problem that your essay faces is that you do not discuss how you will disseminate your funds and what the additional objectives of your foundation will be. As a billionaire, you cannot just write a check to give away your money, you still need to account for the expenses that the charities you support receive via the foundation.

Writing Feedback / Writing IELTS Task 1 (Diagram) of recreation places in Britain in the last year of the 20th century [3]

Wahyu, if you combine the first and second paragraphs to create a singular paragraph, then you will be presenting an overview that is within the required 3-5 sentence presentation. However, if you did that, you would end up with an essay that is only 2 paragraphs long. That is because the last 2 paragraphs that you present also need to be merged in order to create an accurate discussion of the diagram. I believe that you have the potential to improve this essay in order to meet all the required formats. You just need to review the diagram again and this time, make sure to develop your opening statement in the proper manner. That means, shortening your sentences in the presentation in order to meet the required sentence minimum. Then, you have to expand the second paragraph in order to accurately present the information provided. Like i said, you can combine the last 2 paragraphs from this essay to accomplish that. So your remaining problem will be properly concluding your report in order to better reflect the provided information. I suggest that you simply recap the information in the final paragraph, covering at least 3 sentences, in order to remind the reader about the purpose of the report.