Graduate / 'providing enough for those who have too little' - UBC SOP Graduate Admissions in Computer Science [8]

Ishaqur, I'd like my thoughts on your essay, as much as you would love to be creative in your essay, what matters greatly is to answer the question, what is the purpose os your essay, each essay you write is unique that the other as they serve and differ greatly on it's purpose.

However, I liked the fact that you quote a great person to start the essay and draw inspiration from him but the fact is, you were not able to keep up with the general purpose of the essay. Somehow, you lost focus on what you were trying to come up with and what you are really rooting for, you focused on unnecessary information and creative input that are not needed for this essay and you jump from one scale of idea to another.

Anyhow, I believe a very little modification on your essay will do, when you re- write, keep a mainstream, focus on the necessary points and keep your essay strong.

I hope I was able to help.

Scholarship / This is my Motivation Letter for a Scholarship opportunity from DAAD [7]

Visal, before I dice up your essay, I need to figure out where to start first, you wrote or shall I say, posted you essay in the sense that I don't know where you essay starts, no paragraph segregation, no bold notes to mark the prompt and whatever is not part of the essay.

This is the first task you have to clear in order to gain EF contributors to have a look and review your work.

When you do your revision, please mind the following.

- write in clear concise manner
- know what a motivation letter is and what information you need to give out
in order to write and come up with a well written letter
- know what are the standards of the DAAD Scholarship,
this will help you find, learn and step closer to that scholarship award
- mind your letter presentation, this also matters in gaining confidence on your letter

Lastly, inject a personal insight in the final paragraph of your essay, this is always a winner.
I hope to see your revised essay posted here on EF so we can assist you further.

Scholarship / Olympiads, Chemistry Club and tutorial classes - NTU Scholarship Essay on my achievements [11]

Joshua, I'd like to help out, as I read though your essay, I conclude, it's not strong enough and there's a few grammar and sentence construction issues to work on.

Here's what I thought;

- As time went on,( this phrase is not necessary ) I became more fascinated
- Consequently, I was appointed to join some( "some" denotes a weak point, refrain from using this word) competitions and
- Olympiads whichthat built my self-esteem and independence.

-Besides studying theories from the textbook,
- It enlightened mestrengthened my understanding on how Chemistry can be applied in real life.
- By doingWith experiments, I also gained self-discipline
- and made me dedicate myselfdedication to Chemistry,
- and therefore I have a dream to be a researcher in Chemistry.

- Beyond those mentioned above, I am also active in tutorial classes.In this connection, I beca me a tutor
- forto my fellow students

- I hope that NTU canto fulfill my dream to be a researcher in Chemistry
- and let me joinwith NTU program in Chemical and Biomolecular Engineering, I believe I will get the best assistance towards achieving my professional and academic goals.so that I can apply the knowledge for my country and humanity.

There you have it Joshua, quiet a lot of work to be considered there but nevertheless you have the idea, you just need to incorporate them in your writing.

Graduate / Further Financial Understanding and Career Advancement - MSc in Finance - Imperial College [5]

Arief, I hope it's not too late for my insights.
I believe you can still streamline your essay to have focus on it's main purpose and not just fill the space required for the essay.

Presentation wise, looking at the admission staff perspective, you essay is not presented very well, too many short paragraph to make the essay
look longer and bolder but this style doesn't mean the essay is well written, it just give a negative impact that you are counting on spacing your

paragraph in order to make it look like you have a well written essay.

Further to your essay, you have a good idea and you answered to the prompt precisely and elaborately, you had a good chunk of information that draws the admission staff for a careful consideration to your essay and you have to keep this impact in order to earn that spot.

Make sure that as strong as you have written the beginning of your essay should be the same strong paragraph you end your essay with and as mush as I would like to add personal insight at the end of your essay, I believe your final paragraph may not be necessary.

I hope I was able to help.

Undergraduate / My perception of Buddhism and how it has changed - Apply Texas Topic A [4]

Srimal, after careful assessment of your essay, I believe you were able to come up with a well written essay.
You wrote the essay with a clear message, not to judge abruptly when things present themselves, instead you dig deeper
and provided a knowledgeable insight of what happens, when it happens and what to do when faced with situations like this
presents itself. You kept a calm approach on instances were some would panic and will puzzled on what to do.

Going back to your essay, presentation wise, it's good, you have a god paragraph formatting, the flow of of your essay is also smooth and the words that you have chosen is good, no repetition and you know exactly which word to put where.

For future reference, keep the same positive approach of your essay and refresh yourself on the language rules as this helps enhance your writing skills too.

Scholarship / How you contribute to your household and what would have happened during your absence? [6]

My pleasure to help Emmanuel, it's good to know that you are open to constructive criticism and we are here to help out.
EF is a platform for students to rely on when it comes to their paper works, we provide sound advice towards the enhancement of your essay

and will hopefully land you the best school, university and scholarship.

More so, we hope to enhance your writing skills by providing refreshers on the English language rules and make sure you remember the rules that will guide you in coming up with the best material for your application.

We hope that you write more and read a lot in order to enhance your vocabulary and be able to write a far better essay than what you use too .

Don't hesitate to let your friends and classmates learn about EssayForum.com so they will get help too.

'till next time, keep writing!

Scholarship / 'I developed a slight tendency towards project management.' Mundus Scholarship letter [9]

Qamar, this is what I don't understand with your essay, it feels like it's a letter that elaborates your career history and not a motivation letter which is the purpose of your essay.

Before writing a letter, I mean I know that you have done this before but, you have to make sure that you adhere to what is asked of the prompt. A motivation letter should be a run down of information that made you decide to apply for the scholarship, what does this scholarship benefit you, how will you live up to the standards of scholarship awardees and what can you contribute to the league of scholarship awardees to pass on the legacy of the institution to you, to the society and the community as a whole.

I'm not saying that you re- write the entire essay but at least draw more conviction and justice to your application, make it stronger and known to the admission staff that you are serious in what you do and to further you, knowledge you are willing to do whatever it takes.

I hope to see a stronger revised essay as Erasmus Mundus is quiet a tough scholarship to beat.

Undergraduate / Artists Statement / Solving a Problem Essay [3]

Hi Claire, I'd like to share my insights on your essay.

- DrovesLoads of people flocked to a Van Gogh exhibition on a holiday weekend.
- There,( this is not necessary as you have established the location of the event )
-A procession of people
- I decided to go back anotherthe next weekend and this time, research.
- I spent that afternoon observing the movements of the observerspeople appreciating art ,

- After this, I made it myan intention
- I thought this wasis ( however the action is done, keep the present form when referring to an on going action ) it,

- So, I have given up trying to get your attention.
- I love to use aA crylic becauseon the other handit is bright,
- I love to eE xperiment with spices, fire and mirror scraps becausealso intrigues me,
- I love to rR esearch biographies, philosophy, and strange history because I am fascinated by peoplefascinates me . - I love to learn and I love to observe. AndTo learn and to observe the works of people runs in my blood and I finally, I wantdecide to go to school to become a better artist

- I want to go to school to learn how, to communicate with clarity so that I can make the most of my six seconds.

Well Claire, as you can see I had a bit of struggle in enhancing your essay, you used words over and over though out the essay and this made the essay boring and no content. Yes, you made a clear statement of what you want to become and what you want to achieve professionally but this is not just what the essay is all about, you should be able to make sure that you send a clear message to your readers so much so to the admission staff who will give you a green signal to take that path and follow your dream or better luck next time.

I hope my remarks help!

Scholarship / How you contribute to your household and what would have happened during your absence? [6]

Emmanuel, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

Prompt #1:
- In myAt home, I was the older...

Prompt #2:
- we help in getting the house chores done sotherefore if I am to live
- Nobody, be tiit a relative or a community member
- could take over my duty of contributing financially which is whyhence I am applying for this scholarship.
- With thisthe scholarship,
- I would not have to worry about my feestuition being paid and focus on my studies.

There you have it Emmanuel, I believe you have answered the prompt properly, straight forward and precise, all you have to be careful with the word placement and the way the sentence is constructed.

Graduate / Occupational Therapy - this is the profession I have been searching/seeking for. [6]

Marilyn, as I go through your essay, what I came up with is that, the essay has a good combination of your background as a person and your goals professionally.

You wrote your essay with a good transition, the transition is properly illustrated from your personal background, your struggle in coming up and figuring out what you want to do academic wise, to the point where you finally get to the realisation of what you would like to achieve and be of service fro greater welfare.

Your essay then ended with a conviction and a promise that you will push harder in life which is the ultimate ending of your essay.

I wish you good luck in this endeavour and do let us know how it went. We'd love to hear from you.

Graduate / Ecology and Conservation Biology: Graduate Admissions Statement of Purpose [6]

Kathryn, judging from how the essay developed, the revised essay is justifying more of the purpose of the essay, it has the much needed information that supports your statement of purpose.

Moreover, the essay has a strong beginning that even got better with the details you added, both academic and professional background, the essay finally closed with a justified purpose that left no room for error.

For future reference, it will help if you add more of you academic goals and streamline the purpose of your essay in the professional side of your application, like answering the question, how does my actions and decisions affect my future, professionally and academically, more so as a person.

I believe you essay responds to the prompt very well and you should be good to go, best of luck!

Undergraduate / Soap matters to me. It's not the object, it's what soap is representative of that matters. [5]

Ashwini, I am absolutely surprised with the magnitude of courage you have put up in thinking of submitting this essay.

I must honestly say that this is not the best thing that can happen to your essay, it's bold but not in a very good way to be bold. Also, you have to be very objective and be extra careful in dropping names such as the ones you have in this essay.

You need to make sure that your facts are from a credible source and can back you up, overall, this essay is not of a caliber to your admission to Stanford, so better revise your essay and refine it to an acceptable manner.

Scholarship / Describe a figure or movement which has provided inspiration within your own life. [6]

Yankey, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay.

On the 1st paragraph, change your 1st sentence to;
- Divorce is a poison that slowly kills a family.

2nd paragraph
-When she returns, (delete the word back as return already means she's heading)

Also, avoid using "but" in the beginning of a sentence, you can say "however" and refrain from using the same words more than two times like the word, "being", play with your vocabulary to increase the quality of your essay.

On a lighter note, I commend you for standing by you mother in times like this and in all the times she will be needing you, be there for her and your family will survive the odds of life.

Undergraduate / My background and an experience of meeting new people [7]

Pravin,you have a very interesting background, culture and family wise, you have written your essay to the point that the reader will understand where your coming from and take a peek at the Nepali culture.

There's still a lot of work to be done in you essay, you seem to have issues on choosing between THE and THEY, know when to use them by reviewing the language rules. The use of linking verbs is also a challenge, however, you can improve this by reading works of other students here on EF and practice writing, more over, read a lot to increase your vocabulary.

I wish to see your revised essay with improvement and post it here on EF so we can assist you further.

Undergraduate / Hopefully, I'll be able to become successful in computer science. UC Personal Statement #2: MY WORLD [5]

Sukhpreet, I'm not sure if it helps saying that you personally don't like this essay but with the overall review on your essay, as much personal as you can get with your essay, this one does not really correspond to the purpose of your essay.

It started with your family's background, which is ok but a greater part os your essay is dedicated in this story which is not what the prompt is asking you to write about. I suggest re-writing the whole essay.

When you do the revision on your essay, try to re - focus on the purpose of the essay and what is the needed information that you have to include in your essay.

Next, it should highlight academic achievement, professional and academic goals, more over, write the steps you think will lead you to achieving this goal.

Lastly, you can incorporate the part where you said something about paying your family back for their sacrifices which is the ultimate goal, I mean if you want to write it that way.

I hope to see your revised essay here on EF so we can assist you further.

Scholarship / Study Plan for review - it should include tile, content, method, key problem and time schedule. [6]

Amar, let me share my thoughts on your essay.

- My dissertation asserts that using the cementatious( whbat exactly do you mean by "cementatious" because it's not even in the dictionary ) - materials like Metakaolin and Silica Fume will increase the durability

- as well as have an impact on the hardened
- I am keen in finding thosethis perfect mix
- proportions which will not only provide
- NowL ooking into the future
- Turning materials into something beneficial does not only the aim ofhelp human
- but to form something new whichwill benefits the society at a larger scale.
- But nowHowever, with the daily reduction

- After my dissertation in Post Graduate on the examining theand examination on durability properties
- more about the micro structural (micro structural - is two words ) behavior of concrete.
- But again, it's( refrain from using the word "but" ) the concrete made with fresh aggregates.

- As per my plan for theFor my doctorate I intended to work on the long
- formulated over the time in discussion with the supervisor. And, I am fully determined
- to reach my unchangeable goal byand perform at my best effort and couragestrong will .

Amar, as you can see there's quiet a lot of corrections to be done in your essay, I made straight forward corrections so you can see the difference.

I hope this remarks helped.

Writing Feedback / TASK 1. The recruitment of foreign language teachers in Ontario from 2001 to 2007. [4]

Rahmat, first of all, it's good that you plugged the graph in the essay, most of the students forget this part and it is crucial as this is the basis of EF contributors to give you sound advice.

Now, here's what I have for your analysis.

- Overall, people who apply in France language experienced the highest level while English Language witnessed dramatically decrease over the time frame .

- instead of French language which was still below of 70%.
- However, for over one year, both showed a downward trend of about 55%.
- The far gap showed from 2003 to 2005, FranceFrench teachers increased
- continuously around 70% while applicants of English language showed at just only 40%.

- Meanwhile, from 2005 to 2006 the same trend again is served by both subjects;
- but athowever, in the end of the period rose minimally to 73% , whereas in 2007
- recruitment of English teachers still dropped to underdeeper to 20 percent,
- it was approximately by 45% from the applicant of French language teacher.

There you have it Rahmat, you just have a few needed remarks on the construction of your essay, overall, it's well written and you have covered all the necessary information needed to analyze the graph properly.

Undergraduate / The Bryn Mawr Honor Code and Self-Government Association affirm the importance of our academic ... [4]

Hi Audrey, this is the final remarks for your essay.

3rd paragraph
- Surrounding myself with strong women whose basis for their community is onewith a foundation of greatof respect
- and tolerance will undoubtedly shape not only my time at thein college but
-ButHowever, in the three months between
- To me, thatthe moment epitomized
- This is how I expectforesee ( "expect" sounds a bit selfish ) my experiences at Bryn Mawr towill shape me.

Final paragraph
- from the day I walk onto the campus as a Mawrter until long after I graduate and for as long as it shall .

Audrey, you did a very good transition and the sentence construction got smoother as it progressed towards the end of the essay.

I hope my remarks helped.

Graduate / 'participating in online artists talks, visiting online galleries' - MA visual arts SOP [7]

Meerhat, I'd like to help enhance your essay, here are my thoughts.

- When I was in BFA( what does BFA stand for ) ,
- one of my professors repeated a sentence again & again( repeat is synonym to "again & again", refrain from using symbols on your essay such as "&")

- Firstly it seems difficult but once I started it,

- So far on my foundation in BFA( you have established the foundation of your education, no need to highlight them again )

- Engaging in whats happening within the art world today is also beneficial to my work,
- So, I always tried
- If I take a look onat my future career, ( don't forget your punctuation marks )then I found myself as an installation artist or textile sculptor in galleries or other public places.

Meerhat, art for me is a very interesting field, I haven't taken in - depth classes due to my geographical location as well however this did not stop me from honing my craft, I do arts and craft to market in fund raising and some craft exhibits and like you I never stop learning and exploring.

I made a few corrections on your essay, you just forgot a few add ons on your essay but overall, it's written well.

Scholarship / Which of the world's great fights will you fight-and why? UT Austin Freshman Honors Application [3]

Hi Sam, I'd like to share some insights on your essay.

- " Water, one of our most powerful natural resources on earth,
- this event is affecting our usage to function in our daily lives as humans in categories such as:
- to stand up and save this great problemresolve this massive issue .
- I will fight for thein silent scream inof humanity for water preservation.

1. I am a strong believer ofthat everything happenings for a reason.
2. I have always loved volunteering, especially helping the elderly!
3. Reading is one of my favorite hobbies along with musics , crafts, and art.
4. Due toM y parents being minorities and going through major hardships , I have became strong minded in orderand eager to achieve my goals.
5. When I set my mind to do something I do not stop until I accomplish it; I am very hardworking and have yet to fail any goals I set out for myself.

Wow, you have quiet a will to conquer there Sam, but this is good, I hope you keep being optimistic, aim higher and never get tired of acquiring knowledge and wisdom.

I hope my remarks helped!

Undergraduate / The Bryn Mawr Honor Code and Self-Government Association affirm the importance of our academic ... [4]

Audrey, first of all, your essay answers the prompt very well and it started pretty strong, I haven't really read the entire essay but I'd like to share my initial thoughts by giving you the following remarks for the first two paragraphs of your essay.

1st paragraph
- especially ofaonly women only community , can have on an individual.
- I know that while at Bryn Mawr, I will receive the benefits of sucha communityeducation while also doing my best to strengthen itempower the community .

2nd paragraph
- As a leader in a Girls Service Club,
- During the freshman, ( don't forget your punctuation marks to leave a breather for your readers ) New Member's Luncheon for Girls Service Club,
- carryingto carry on her legacy after she graduated .
- The Girls Service Club, unlike any other service clubs in theon campus,
- has always had a special element to it.
- I want to be that girl to someone elseother members .
- Even as a first year,Should I be admitted to Bryn Mawr, I plan to create a place
- The impact that I've left on the ( use the word "the" to create that impact of the organization in your essay and in your life as a whole ) Girls Service Club, I want make on the Bryn Mawrto create the same community and I know I can achieve this during my time at Bryn Mawr.

There you it Audrey, my initial remarks and I hope it helped. I'll get back to you as soon as I can for the rest of the essay.

Undergraduate / Loving museums. I want to pursue a career in Museum Studies - Common App Personal Essay [9]

Audrey, I believe museum studies has something to do with history, I'm just not sure what it's called as I'm no expert in this side of studies. :)

I read through you essay and from what the prompt asked you to do, I believe you started quiet good but you somehow went to a different direction,

it almost sounded like a different prompt altogether.You have to maintain the direction of the essay, regardless of the part of focus, such as the body or the end of the essay, you have to make sure that it all corresponds to the prompt and answer it accordingly.

I would also like you to focus on the details that you elaborated on the essay, some of the information such as how you spend your summer, is not quiet necessary for the overall purpose of the essay.

This normally happen when you write and you lost track of what you are writing about but don't fret this is normal and you will improve in time.

I hope my insights help and when you the revision, post it here on EF so we can assist you further.

Essays / Can I write about my financial conditions in the additional section of the commonapp? [3]

Well Akshat, the answer is yes, you can write something like the essay but be careful not to copy the same exact words or something like that, make sure that you just keep this essay to give you an idea of how it's going to run and how your essay is to be written.

This time around, you have a prompt to follow so make sure that you respond to the prompt accordingly.
Also, make sure that your prompt is not something like a blame game, it should always have the moving forward attitude and the conviction like the way you are, always look at the brighter side of things, the lessons you learned and incorporate all this in the essay.

Furthermore, include all the necessary academic achievements that you have, you mentioned about a Google project that failed, this is fine, they will look at it as you trying all the best that you can to succeed amidst failure and financial difficulties.

I hope to read you essay here on EF so we can assist you further.

Scholarship / I believe obtaining Masters in UK / Physiotherapist Chevening alumni - Study UK Question [3]

Usman, I'd like to let you know that the screening for the Chevening Scholarship is due any moment and you might want to check if your application can still go through.

Now, proof reading through your essay, you did write it very well, however not for the purpose of what the prompt asked you about, I believe what you wrote is a different response for a different prompt that is part of the Chevening scholarship too, so you have to be very careful.

What I suggest that you do is go back to the prompt, read and understand it carefully and write a fresh essay.
The prompt basically ask you of three university courses of your choice that you might want to pursue if granted with the scholarship.
You are looking at medicine inclined courses so try to come up with three courses that you would rank 1,2,3 and accordingly, write your purpose or

the reason behind each of the courses,this should be easy since you have made you decision already, you just have to incorporate this courses with

your goals and how does the scholarship help you.

I wish to see your essay posted here on EF so we can assist you further.

Book Reports / Practicing Moral Courage - A Different Kind of Strength (To Kill A Mockingbird essay) [6]

Alex, I may not be an expert on book reports, I only did it like 10 times in my academic days , however, reading through your report is like reading the book myself and this means your essay is written very well.

I like the fact that you incorporated motivation from powerful people and draw inspiration from there.

What separates your book report from what I already read and from the one's I made myself is that, you made sure to inject parts of the book into the essay while creating that very smooth flow of transition of the sentences. Speaking of sentences, you were also able to construct well written sentences that made the report more interesting and detailed to the T.

Well, that's about it for me, I hope my insights helped.

Research Papers / Does private school or public school matter to you? Private vs. Public School - Need a peer-review [3]

Regine, first of all, this is a research paper and some of the must haves of a research paper is not in it such as citation and the proper presentation of the essay when it comes to paragraphing and sentence conjunctions.

Anyhow, it is well written but not for it's purpose.

The research paper you have started is strong enough to open greater heights of the study and it has a personal insight in the beginning already so the readers are already engaged and you have to keep this connections all through out the essay.

The information gathered may be from a credible source but as I mentioned, if there is no citation input either in- text or in the end of the paper, well you basically have to do both to prove your source for the research.

Moving towards the end of the essay, it's very good that you injected a personal touch to it in order to have that consistency of the research.

Overall, just a few additional, credible citations will be best for your research paper.

Undergraduate / "We all have great inner power" - Lifetime Goals Essay; Apply Texas Topic C [5]

Mary, it's good to incorporate a saying or a source of motivation at the beginning of your essay and draw the rest of the essay base on this, the only thing that you have to remember is that you have to make sure that this corresponds with the prompt.

The beginning as well as the body of the essay is very good, it'e written well and I believe there's a little bit of enhancement on the final paragraph of the essay. Here are my thoughts;

Final paragraph
- I've workedstrive hard in all my classes
- so that I can help those struggling in the classes, to pass.
- When IH elping someone,
- not only does it help the person, but itdoes not only help the person, rather also tests
- Helping people to me, is the most
- rewarding thing you can do in life. because it not only helps the person, but it helps your inner self.
- This is why my goal in life,is to help as many people as I can, in anyway that I can.

There you have it, I hope it did enhance the final paragraph of the essay and made it stronger.

Letters / Write a card to send to Jo - you need to delay visit. [6]

Cao, here are my suggestions on your letter;

- first of all, write from the heart and this goes with all your future writing material
- mind the prompt and think about the idea you want to write, make sure that it corresponds what the prompt is asking you
-it's good to be straight forward or direct to the point, however, it's two things when the letter doesn't feel any soul to it at all

and a letter with conviction and feelings
- a letter should have an introduction, say hi, hello perhaps
- the body of the letter is where you explain or write the purpose of the letter in detail
- and of course, your final message
- lastly, salutation and all that is necessary to be added in the end such as date if you want to

All this guidelines above should help you come up with a stronger revised essay.
When you're done, post it here on EF so we can assist you further.

Undergraduate / USEFP Global Ugrad student exchange program Personal statement [3]

Mubashara, I believe you can write a little bit more sentences than what you have presented and the fact that this is a personal statement for an exchange program, you have to do more justification of your admission to the program than what you have written.

Undergraduate / Even when life is not going as planned, you should never give up. College Application on Failure. [3]

Ibrahim, first of all, it hurt my eyes reading through your essay, it would help if you can manage to turn it into 3 paragraphs at least, this way there is a room to breath before continuing to read and also a room to comprehend and make sure you understand the essay.

I'd like to help and see if you need some sentence modification or grammar enhancement aside from the presentation of the essay.

1st paragraph
- something that before a few years ago I was quite unfamiliar with.
- Where once I was meet with this nonfulfillmentWhen I failed , it made me
- I was faced with numerous family issues of whichthat I could not handle any satisfactorily

2nd paragraph
- My sense of belonging disappeared whichand gave me a lack of motivation
- And as I received thosemy first few awful grades,

Last and final paragraph
- That wW hat I dreamt of
- different types of emotions of whichthat I had been
- But mM ost importantly
- myself back in my freshmen year on that white dry erase board.

There you have it Ibrahim, I made the necessary modifications, you tend o construct sentences with direst translation of your native language which is fine as English is not our other tongue, however, you have to practice writing more and read a lot in order to enhance your vocabulary and writing style, I also cut the sentences into 3 paragraphs and I believe it's far better than a completely one paragraph essay.

Undergraduate / To Relive the Past - Brandeis University Supplement [4]

Brittany, I am quiet surprise with the prompt, it's intriguing and something that would be very nice to write about.
Here are my thoughts;

- it would have sounded like a bowling bowlhall .
- because, twenty-five years prior to me seeing this beautiful island,
- They loved it so much in fact , that they brought my grandparents
- back a year later, to celebrate their one year anniversary.

- It is not only the natural beauty of the island that has captured my heart. But( this is a very light and joyful feeling sentence so no "but , it is the enthusiasm, love, and true rawnessinnocence of the people that,

- at once, made me feel at home.
- and for that initial trip, that brought me to there, I am so thankfufor this unforgettable trip .

Brittany, I must say I'm a bit disappointed with how the essay progressed, you had quite a strong first paragraph but the essay didn't end very well. I hope the modifications I made help enhanced your essay.

Letters / No longer attend regular English class [4]

- TheseThis course help a lot for me to speak
- fluently sincefor the past two weeks ,
- but as you know that I wasand this will definitely help me in searching for a Job in my field.
- I have to Join onget a Job to earn some money coz my
- and help my family's financial condition.
- is not good with learned general English as well.
- D ue to these circumstances
- I decided to learn English withon my own to avoid
- a clashes of timingschedule between
- my job and tuitionmy classes .
- That's why In this regard, I would like to inform you
- with deep regret that I
- Though this decision surely wrong from one point of view but I have to do for betterment of my family conditionI definitely regret this decision, I have to do so to help my family's financial situation .

- My responsibilities are much more than my future towards my family is more important than my future .
- I can alsowill try to learn English by myself of course with much more effort. but its shall be manageable in this condition.

- I do hope you understand
- my situation and allow me to leave from your course in between.
- I am alwaysvery thankful for the support andto you for your efforts you invested on me .

Thanks & Regards,Regards,

This is for me Denish, you definitely have a lot more work to do in improving your English and with practice and dedication to the language you should be able to pick up in time.

Undergraduate / My aim is to become a Cardiovascular surgeon. Personal statement for a US student exchange program. [6]

Shayan, I'd like to share my insights on your essay.

- I'mhave always been( you have used this phrase in the previous sentence) an outgoing person,
- Cricket and football has beenare my favorite sports since childhood.Presently my interests includeand currently I am into the sport of bodybuilding.

- Charity begins at home so I want to help the poor and NEEDY people who are in need and it will start inof my country first.

-Later in life,my dream isI'd like to establish a hospital and facilitate people on a larger scale.

- so it would be a great chance for me to avail ittake the opportunity .

- Secondly,AmericaThe country has
- contribute to my resumecredentials and help me to have a
- more practical and on hands on experience.

Shayan, I had a little tough time proof reading your essay as it needs a lot of improvement, I did incorporate those remarks on your essay, I hope you follow through.

Undergraduate / A new experience - I learnt how the life could be harsh sometimes [5]

Hi Akrn, I'd like to share my thoughts in your essay.
Well, looking back at the early stage of your essay, you did have a well written revision.
Now, let me help out this revised one for a much needed enhancement.

- Growing up with both the parents is what every child dreamed of,
- mine wasis the opposite.
- has turned me to a completely new person.

- I was living almost living alone at home;, I was
- Because( refrain from starting your sentences with "because") I was young,
- lack of experience was essential problem for my, so I decided

- I took their words of wisdom advices into consideration;, (mind your punctuation marks) I participated with library and chemistry clubs in my school,
- and spent many happy momentsgreat time with them.
- Making a new friends was also very important for me,

- My beliefs and views inof life had

There you have it Akrn, there is definitely a lot of room for improvement and though you wrote a good revised essay, there are still a lot more to work on, I hope I was able to help.

Undergraduate / My father has always told me, "The better education you have, the easier life will be." [3]

Jason, I'd like to share my thoughts on your essay with the focus on the last two paragraphs.

- socially becauseas I was working as a
- part time inof the family business and this consumed
- It was hard for me to balance schoolwork
- Going through these times was hard on my family and mefor me and my family ,
- I still have no regrets ofin becoming
- a part of the family business because it moldedhoned me into

- Ever since growing upGrowing around the restaurant business,
- I have always felt a connection to the business world, and that is whythus I plan to pursue
- business management in my upcomingmy future college career.

There you have it Jason, overall you have a well written essay and just a little modification was needed, you have to improve on the part of creating a strong conviction on the words you use in your essay.

Graduate / Chemical Engineering for Industrial Development - Personal Statement [5]

Fadilla, looking at your essay, presentation wise, it's very very long, unnecessarily long.
For a personal statement it should highlight your background, your moving forward insights and the ultimate goals.

Reading thru your essay, I felt like I was reading a biography and this is not what the prompt and the purpose of the essay is.

What needs to be done is to streamline the idea and you have to maintain this all through out the essay.

I'd like to draw your focus in the last two paragraphs of the essay.

- There are many other thingsissues that I want
- combined incoupled with a comprehensive syllabus
- that suits my preference very wellcompletes the curriculum .

- I have thoroughly thought about my future, and pursuing masters degree is the next big step in my plan.
- I am expecting to put my knowledge into usepractice and make the most of my potential in real life .

There you have it Fadilla, I hope I was able to help and when you do your revision try to limit your personal background into a single paragraph and focus the rest of the essay in the academic and professional aspirations that you have.

Scholarship / Math and history. Each of these subjects happen to be my favorite. [4]

Hi Taylor, I'd like to share my insights on your essay.

- The subjects I have excelled in the most are mathematics and history.
- Each of these subjects happen to be my favorite, which I thinkI believe they have contributed
- to how much I have succeeded in themmy success .
- and apply it to mythe assignment that I have been given.
- My teachers that I have also have contributed to the success I have had in these subjects.are great contributors on my success in this subjects.

- Whenever I needed help with anything they would do so and that helped me immensely.
- Talking specifically inabout mathematics,
- I always thought that I could only excel in math only if the lesson were being taught, but my 11th grade Algebra II teacher, Mr. Zimmerman

- taught me that I am more than capable of teaching myself and how to do the specific work that I am assigned.
- This helped me feel more accomplished in my work and what I want to excel infield I want to pursue in the future .

Taylor, as you can see there's quiet a lot of corrections that needs to be addressed in your essay, I hope you follow through and focus in sentence construction and overall grammar.

Research Papers / Different aspects of video games, apart from violent content, that affects behavior. [3]

Regino, I run through your research paper and I feel very intrigued with your approach, video games on a normal day can be so much fun, both for the young ones and more this days to the adult players.

Indeed, the views and insights on video games differ greatly upon who is using it, can be for leisure, for professional use or entirely for anonymous purposes.

Overall, your research paper, citation plays a very big role, I'm not very keen on video games and anything that relates to it, however, in every aspect of a research paper, gathering a credible and solid information that will back up your research is very crucial, having said that, you have to strengthen your source of information.

In line of this details, kindly refer to Louisa's remarks too, she did go through your sentences fairly and spotted a few points worth considering, this are valuable addition or enhancement to your research paper.

More so, majority of research paper don't carry a personal insight, just because of the fact that most authors think that it's a research paper base mostly on the facts they gathered, however, it is still a piece of writing that you rolled and made a point to, it would be best if you can add a couple of sentences, your personal insight of the subject at hand, this are my suggestions.

Graduate / This is my 1st "LOI" in life. Letter of Intent for "Masters in Professional Communication" [9]

Fahmida, I did a quick read of your first essay and a thorough one on the revised essay, I believe it's stronger and you've gone a long way from the first one.

Now, I'd like to enhance the final paragraph, kindly find the corrections below.

- the next decade is that, like the radical social and economic changes,
- changes in the existing media framework will also bethat is inevitable.
- Increasing public credibility of the media,
- To achieve thosethis anticipated changes,
- With this international background and education,Armed with this knowledge, I will be

- I certainly beliefbelieve its interdisciplinary perspective
- can make me anwill assist me in becoming an expert and principled
- I hope thisThe MPC program will give me the opportunity
- to become a valuable resource in communication sector & toand assist the others who
- orientation &, thus making Bangladeshi media
- sector a strong one with properly trained challengersmedia practitioners .

Fahmida, you have a very genuine dedication towards the media expansion and improvement in Bangladesh and I do support you on this undertaking 100%,
now on this essay, overall, it's written pretty good, however, please avoid using the alternate representation of the words like "&" and also, refrain from using phrases that begins with "like", as it make it sound like a writing piece of a third grader.

I wish you good luck and do let us know how it turns out, we'd love to hear from you.

Research Papers / Wright Brothers research paper and valuable characteristics [3]

Hi, I must agree that your essay is indeed written quiet well.

A few modifications and proof reading and it should be done perfectly.

Before you submit and on proof reading though, mind the following;

- double check the facts, the citations and the examples the you wrote and make sure they're solid and will be able to back up your claims

- know at what extent you should add your personal thoughts on the subject at hand

- presentation of the essay matters too, so make sure your paragraph is not that long and not too short at the same time

- keep a forward focus on your essay and mainstream the idea

Lastly, should you run out or need a powerful or stronger ending, add a couple of sentences on what your take on the research paper, like if you feel that you covered the basics or the foundation of the essay or if the overall study is useful in today's age.