Writing Feedback / Online Sales for Retail Sectors in Canada in 2005 and 2010 [4]

The pie charts compare the proportion of certain ...
The pie charts compare the proportion of certain selected goods sale online for retail sector in Canada in 2005 and 2010 covering a period of 5 years. Overall, it can be seen that there do seem to be significant changes in the proportion of online sales. Initially, electronics and appliances were noted as by far the highest percentages, yet the figure for food and beverages has successfully overtaken the former one .

By 2005, although food and beverage online sales came second in the total of percentages, this figure had reached more than a fifth of all the online sales. Then such a figure rose dramatically to 32% in 2010. At 35%, electronics and appliance online sales WERE the highest online sales, but this fell slightly to less than a third ten years later.

By contrast, a minority of the online sales in 2005 ...
By contrast, a minority of the online sales in 2005 WERE video game's sales. It stood at only 18% while such a percentage experienced a significant increase up to more than a fifth of all online sales in 2010. On the other hand, the sales of home furnishings reached to a quarter of the online sales, but then continued dropping dramatically at less than a fifth.

Writing Feedback / Burnaby Public Library's Visitors [3]

A breakdown of the figure for books read ...
A breakdown of the figure for books read by males and females between 2011 and THE PROJECTION FOR 2014, a 4-year period in Burnaby Public Library is revealed in the line graph. Initially, more women read books, but this figure shows a downward trend in 2013 onwards. In the same year, the figure for men reading books has successfully overtaken the woman figure.

In 2011, around 5000 women loved reading books ...
In 2011, around 5000 women PREFERRED reading books in the library, while men doing this activity were NOTED only more than a half of this. The number of female readers witnessed almost TWOFOLD increase (8000) in the next year, but the males only experienced a slight rise, from approximately 3000 to 4000, an increase of about 1000. Interestingly, both figures reached the same level in 2013, with 10,000 readers.


By 2014, a gap between male and female figures had widened out.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: A Breakdown Of General Benefits And Drawbacks Of Fairmont Island [4]


This is not "BY", but "IN". but nevertheless, the preposition BY can be used with people/person as the doer.


A breakdown of the figure for Fairmont Island in terms of a tourist attraction is presented in the pie charts. There do seem to be common points that the Fairmont Island has benefits and demerits. While more visitors cite local inhabitants as by far the most fascinating attractions, the converse would appear to be true for the high cost of living.

Writing Feedback / Americans spending on diffrend kinds of phone services from in a ten-year period [3]

- A comparison of HOW AMERICANS SPEND THEIR MONEY on mobile and mobile phone services from 2001 to 2010, a ten-year period is illustrated in the line chart.

- In 2001, BY FAR the highest MONEY SPENT was NOTED BY US consumers, SPENDING an average of virtually $700 on residential phone services, compared to cell phone services, at solely $200. Over the following five years, this figure plummeted to $200. THIS IS IN STARK CONTRAST TO expenditure on mobile services INCREASING by around $300.

Writing Feedback / The diagram illustrates the various stages in the life of a honey bee. [2]

A breakdown of the various stages in the life of a honey bee is illustrated in diagram. Overall, it takes 34 to 35 days to accomplish this life cycle. Although the growing process requires some steps, each step is presented differently.

It begins when the female adults lay eggs, with no more than 3 eggs per 3 days. Following this, eggs are being hatched and the nymph appears as it molts three times as it develops. This process occurs after 9 -10 days

A closer look at how the diagram shows that the immature insects shedding its skin 3 times when this stage needs a 5-day process grow in size. Then, this continues growing to seven days and another 9 days consecutively. When it comes to the final stage, it is around 30 to 31days. The young honey bees come out in the moulting stage. 4 days later they then reach maturity.

I have made slight improvement. Please notice them.

Writing Feedback / The Fairmont Island has four benefits: local inhabitants, scenery, the culture and accommodation [3]

I have read this report, and then made some changes. Pay particular attention to what I have shown.

The benefits and drawbacks of Fairmont Island ...
A breakdown of the figure for Fairmont Island as a tourist attraction in terms of the advantages and disadvantages are presented in the pie charts. Tourists agree that the greatest advantage of this island is local people, while the converse would appear to be true for the high cost of living.

The Fairmont Island has four benefits. The tourists ...
A closer look at the chart shows how tourists enjoy the four immense benefits that the Fairmont Island provides. 40% of visitors say that friendly local inhabitants are the major attraction, followed by the breathtaking scenery, with 37%. When it comes to accommodation, this factor is adequate to meet tourists' need. This accounts for 11%, while 12% of people say that culture aspects are the reason why they visit this island.

APART FROM THE TANGIBLE BENEFITS, THIS ISLAND HAS FOUR MAIN DRAWBACKS THAT VISITORS SHOULD CONSIDER. The highest problem is the cost of living, just under half of the total. The entertainment, furthermore, RANKS second AS THE highest factor INTERRUPTING tourists to visit THIS ISLAND, representing at nearly a third. Interestingly, the weather factor places in the third, at 20% WHILE A VERY SMALL PROPORTION OF PEOPLE HAVE PROBLEM WITH FOOD.

Writing Feedback / TASK 1. How tourists obtain benefits and drawbacks from Fairmont Island based on survey's results [3]

I have made slight improvements on your report writing. Hopefully you can notice them.

The pie charts reveal information how ...
The pie charts reveal information about benefits and drawbacks that tourists gain when visiting the Fairmont Island. Overall, it can be seen that the greatest advantage of this island is local people, while the most common problems noted are pricey living cost.

The main merit which tourists gain when ...
40% of tourists agree that local inhabitants are that the main merit, while some others say that breathtaking scenery is the reason why they visit this island. The data records about 37% of people saying this. Culture and accommodation are close behind, with 12% and 11% respectively .

On the other hand, the most common problems ...
On the other hand, the most common problem people worry ABOUT when holiday is the living cost, at about 45 percent. Likewise entertainment and food quality which are offered cannot attract the visitors. It is evident that 30% and 20 % people claim dissatisfied for those items. Weather condition just stands at 5% as the least disadvantages from the Fairmont Island.

Writing Feedback / Headland erosion. The diagram shows the damage that took place. [3]


The diagram shows a process of stack and stump formed as result of coastal erosion. As seen, the waves erode cracks in the headland to form an arch. Following this, the arch becomes unsupported and collapses to form a stack which continues to form a stump.

I have made some changes in the intro and overview

Writing Feedback / There are four paces that can be seen. The erosion process in a headland - IELTS TASK 1 [2]

The diagrams illustrate the erosion process that takeN place in a headland. Overall, there are four paces that can be seen. Interestingly, the process has natural stepped without intervention of human being.As seen, this process undergoes four different phases. While some remnants of the past are hidden under the rock, waves continue to beat the cliff until a new Durdle Door appears.

- A weak area can be found in the bottom of headland which is caused by AN abraded rock.
- As the time passes by ,
- the erosion has extended and THE AREA ERODED HAS led to the arch cave, such as durdle, door, or door set.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1:The changes that have taken place at Queen Mary Hospital since its construction in 1960 [2]

This is a good report writing. Yet, I want you to notice some changes I have made;

Some alterations that have occurred in the construction of Queen Marry hospital from 1960 to 2000, a four-decade period are illustrated in the map. Overall, it can be seen that the most noticeable changes are the replacement of business and green areas with several major improvements on health center projects.

Major developments occurred in the west of map for healthcare purposes. Shopping center lying in the north west of the map was replaced by a cancer center and pharmacy, while farmland area was converted into a nursing school. In the year 2000, this nursing school shrunk after the expansion of the cancer center to be an L-shaped building

In the east of area, there were no significant alterations in hospital and car park over period in the question. Yet, in 2000 the improvement of cancer center has shrunk the car park to nearly half of its default size to nearly a twentieth of its original size.

Writing Feedback / 'The machine can be placed near the coast' - A WIND TURBINES AND OPTIMUM LOCATIONS (IELTS) [3]

The diagrams present a turbine machine for generating electricity from wind HOW A WIND TURBINE IS DESIGNED and where it can be placed. The machine consists of a generator, three fiberglassED or woodEN blades which are made from fiberglass or wood and wind sensor for measuring speed and direction, (STOP HERE) there is also a steel tower IS BUILT for heightening the turbine machine.

The process starts when a maximum wind strength through the blades. As a result, the wind turbine twists speedily QUICKLY CONNECTING TO a generator ( A COMMA HERE) and wind sensor detects the speed and direction of wind. In operation of the machine, there is a computer IS PROVEIDED TO that displays MONITOR THE direction and angle of output sensor adjusts blades. Both blades and generator are adjusted so that THEY COULD produce the electricity as much as 1.5 megawatts.

The machine can be placed near the coast where the landscape is not spoiled( I AM NOT SURE THAT SUCH A SENTENCE COULD COVER WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO SAY) and in this case it tendS to produce less electricity,(STOP HERE) ALTERNATIVELY, the machine can be placed on the hill where the wind are IS blustery in the maximum wind strength so that THIS produceS more electricity. In the other side, the machine can be WHILE OTHERS LAY placed near the house that functioned to accommodate 100 kilowatts electricity energy.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1 - The power that generated by wind turbine is depended on its location [2]

The diagrams display the plan for wind turbines PLANNED and its location. It seems that its location determines the amount of power which generated by the wind. Overall, the turbine installed on TOP OF the hill of the coast has the optimum location rather than one on the horizontal landscape.

The domestic turbines which installed on the higher position of the shore have a maximum wind strengths.There are several turbines which are smaller than on the landscape location ( THIS SENTENCE DID NOT FORM A LINE WITH THE PRECEDING AND FOLLOWING SENTENCES. TO SOLVE THIS, YOU CAN SIMPLY DELETE, OR REWORD IT . The wind on this location blowS very intensively ( A COMMA) andthe landscape ( LANDSCAPE??? ARE SURE OF THIS? IF YES, AGAIN THIS DOES NOT FORM A LINE WITH SENTENCES. FIND ANOTHER WORD) DOES not spoiled it. It can rotate the blade continuously and generate 100 kilowatts power.

However, on the landscape location is solely one big turbine. Its tower is made of steel and the fiberglassED or woodEN blades are made of fiberglass or wood . The wind sensor is installed in the turbine in order to detect wind speed and directions. It IS also assembled by a generator that can produce 1.5 megawatts power which is greater than domestic turbines on the coast. The wind was spoiled by the landscape itself, although the turbine can generate a big amount of MAXIMUM power ( A COMMA) but the wind is weaker than on the hill.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: Parts of a wind turbine and its effective positions to place. [2]

A BREAKDOWN OF THE CERTAIN FIGURE FOR HOW A WIND TURBINE IS DESIGNED AND WHERE THIS LIES SO AS TO GENERATE MORE POWER Parts of a wind turbine and its effective positions to place are IS displayed in the two diagrams. Although the wind turbines have the same structure, SOME STEPS ARE NEEDED TO BUILT THE TURBINES. IN ANY CASE, the position of turbines also determines the effectiveness of the turbine in harnessing PRODUCING electricity.

Firstly, the left A CLOSER LOOK AT HOW THIS diagram describes parts of the wind turbine. There is a THE CONSTRUCTION OF A steel tower IS BUILT to buttress ( I AM NOT SURE THIS WORD IS APPROPRIATE USE HERE) a generator, a sensor, and blades. To make the electricity, wind turns the fiberglassED or woodEN blades made by fiberglass or wood . After that, spin of the blades connects to a generator which can produce energy up to 1.5 megawatts. The turbine also has EQUIPPED WITH a wind sensor which connects to a computer to adjust the angle and direction of the blades.

Turning to a more detailed analysis from the diagram, APART FROM THIS, the wind turbines' locations determine power to make the electricity. In the right diagram,there are the three wind turbines ARE BUILT IN which have different locations. The turbine is placed in the sea ( A COMMA HERE) but it is not effective to make the SUPPLY great power. To get GAIN maximal wind strengths, the turbine should be located on THE TOP OF a hill. In addition, a domestic turbine positioned TO THE WEST OF near a house can produce energy up to 100 kilowatts of the electricity.

Undergraduate / Through this experience I have learned that I am stronger than I would have ever deemed myself to be [4]

What is the purpose of this writing? IELTS, TOEFL, or...? Also, it is always good to include the complete prompt, so this way helps us understand what you are tying to explain in your essay. After I read this essay, I find some ideas sound peculiar, so I cannot even make some changes regarding the issue. But nevertheless, you can see what I have shown below.

- You need to write a clear introductory paragraph.
The main objective of this paragraph is to present your position on the issue. But you need to pay particular attention to how this paragraph is organized. For example, at the beginning of the paragraph, you have to write a hook, that grabs readers' attention. An effective hook is written with no more than ten words. This is what I suggest students in this forum. Following this, developing your background information. Some students simply reword the prompt, while some others try to elaborate the prompt with current issues. Once you are done, now it's time to write your thesis. A good thesis statement should tell the readers how you will interpret the matter under discussion.

- Coherence and cohesion of body paragraphs
This is the most important paragraph after the introduction. This paragraph discusses what you are presenting in the mini-outline of introductory paragraph with detailed arguments. Not only this, body paragraph needs to be be truly effective. This means that you need to keep your ideas succinct and to the point. It is always good to tie all of the body paragraphs together with cohesive devices, such as firstly, secondly, on the one hand, also, etc.

- Ending your essay with a concluding paragraph
Some students say that this is the most difficult paragraph, since your task is to summarize the aforementioned discussion, but shun being repetitive. To write an effective conclusion, starting off with a concluding signal, such as in conclusion, all in all, etc, to indicate readers that your paragraph will be soon ended. Afterwards, providing a restatement of the thesis statement is must. Beware of being repetitive. I strongly suggest. Prior to ending your conclusion, it is vital to add personal though which can be suggestions, fears or warning, as the consequences of what has been discussed.

- As I struggled to find the words to begin WRITING this 250-WORD essay and in two hundred and fifty words describe ING the most difficult thing I have experienced ( A COMMA) my mind drew blanks.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK 2: The Bad News Report from The Media Discourages People Doing Activity [2]


This intro is too bulky. Simply introduce the background with one or two sentences, then show your claim.you also could write a hook, a catchy phrase with no more than ten phrase at the beginning of this paragraph. If you have more words to write, save them for later.

The media allot much news, included bad news, which ...
Media can strongly shape people's perspective. As such, good people can be bad people or vice versa. For example, if media consecutively broadcast the news of murders or rape, then it is believed that a majority of people tend to take their relatives into extra care. This happens since bad news are bound to be mistrustful of surroundings. Also,Mm any psychologists believe that the bad news can bring pressure for achiever.

I have some changes in body paragraph since some ideas did not form a line with the prompt. Although you discuss the issue, some ideas are too general.

Undergraduate / I need to enjoy my time being alone won't help. I changed my old view about the people. [4]

Mixing and interacting with other people weren't ARE my LEAST favorite interest, (STOP HERE) I was usually WOULD PREFER staying alone in my room with my A computer or books and couldn't ( I am not sure whether this contracted form can be used here. It is always good to play safe :D) appreciate the importance of it ( I think that you need to clarify what is the refence of "it" . However, my family forced me to participate on a summer program in King Fahad University of Petroleum and Materials (KFUPM) (STOP HERE) and I have to live in its dorms UNIVERSITY DORMITORY for about four weeks. It was like STAYING THERE BROUGHT ME SUCH a nightmare for me , even before I went there, I felt that it is not THE PLACE THAT I WANTED appropriate for me . BUT IN THE END, I didn't DID NOT know that will be the most beautiful time in my life.

Scholarship / This is my Motivation Letter for a Scholarship opportunity from DAAD [7]

- Planning and Management, (STOP HERE) This program
- The five- year Bachelor program HAS formedthe basis of my PRIOR knowledge OF inmy THE chosen area
- During my studies ( A COMMA) iI acquired
- I have worked diligently achieved a lot and fulfilled
- Studies STUDYING this field have HAS
- There are a few Higher Institutions that offer Bachelor in the field of Architecture and Urbanism only, there is no specific course in Regional Development Planning and Management in Cambodia. This part contains run-on sentences. You need to break it into two

- Education is not only the factor that affects the development of a country (A COMMA) but ALSO it affect the surrounding THE SOCIETY.
- Cambodia is a developing and very poor country WHERE many people A MAJORITY OF CITIZENS have a low- average income

Writing Feedback / A breakdown of the percentages of people visiting several places in Australia [3]

A breakdown of SOME ATTRACTIONS WHERE THREE DIFFERENT BRACKETS LIVING IN AUSTRALIA VISIT the percentages of people visiting several places, divided by four different groups of people living in Australia is presented in the bar chart. Overall, it can be seen that people living in MORE AustraliaNS AND OTHER COHORTS tend to go to cinema, while theatre is the least popular place visiting by Australians THOSE GROUPS OF PEOPLE.

Majority of cinema visitors are native Australians, with 70%. Coming second is the group of migrants, who born in other English-speaking countries. This LATTER figure is about 65%. However, IN THE SAME TIME, a half of migrants from other countries also prefered to go to ARE cinema-GOERS

Newcomers, who born in the west countries ENGLISH-SPEAKING MIGRANTS experiencedas BY FAR the highest percentage in the theatre visitors. The rate is UNDER a quarter OF PEOPLE. THIS IS In STARK contrast TO THE PROPORTIONS OF AUSTRALIAN AND NON-ENGLISH SPEAKING VISITORS, the percentages for people, who born in Australia and other states WITH only 20% and 10% respectively.

If you look at the data closely, the you can see that the table given attaches no time frame. This means that you need to talk about present time, not preceding year. Mind your tenses.

Writing Feedback / Australian people like watching movies in cinemas. IELTS WRITING TASK 1 [2]

The bar graph gives information about four different attractions that three brackets always visit in Australia. Overall, while new migrants tend to visit library ,more Australians and migrants from English-speaking countries go to cinema if compared to theatre and zoo.

Some problems with spelling can be solved if you spend your time checking them prior to submitting your report here.

Writing Feedback / The Ways of A Wind Turbing Working And Where It Have to be Located [2]


The diagrams illustrate a design of a wind turbine and its appropriate location. As seen, there do seem to be complicated tools needed, while some steps should be taken into account. In any case, some appropriate places are proposed so as to generate more energy from the wind.

- there are NO trees BLOCKING the airwaves.
- the MACHINE GENERATES MAXIMUM output.
- The process starts when the wind comeS and spinS a FIBERGLASSED or WOODEN blade.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Charge in museum - it should be balanced with a better service [2]

Museums have a variety of purposes and budgets, it causes them having difference in charge. Improving museum facility and limiting financial budget are reasons to decide it. In my view, museums would obtain more advantages with some fees than no cost to enter in.

Museum portrays a history of life. As such, it is argued that museum should charge an entrance fee so as to survive in the modern world. While this notion is utterly true to some extent, I would argue that museums should be free access to all people.

There are several reasons why charge in a museum is imposed MUSEUM SHOULD IMPOSE SOME MONEY TO VISITORS. Firstly, there is low or no proportion government HAS NO SUFFICIENT FUNDS TO SUBSIDIZE THIS ATTRACTION subsidies for public or private museum AND A RESULT, it affects the entrance cost FEES in the TO museum.

From this evidence, APART FROM THIS, THOSE ARGUING THAT MUSEUM SHOULD BE GRATIS INTENTIONALLY MAKE STRONG CLAIMS. valuable-public places should not provide entrance fees for visitors, FREE MUSEUM itinfluences enthusiasm ATTRACTS MORE people visiting the THIS EDUCATIONAL place, ( STOP HERE) THIS MEANS THAT MORE PEOPLE ARE INTERESTED IN LEARNING RECENT HISTORYbecause this is important to keep new generation visiting the museum as learning historical life in the past . ANOTHER CASE IS IF MUSEUMS LEVY A CHARGE, ONLY WEALTHY COULD AFFORD TO VISIT SUCH A PLACE.

Writing Feedback / IELTS : satisfaction customer levels in US airlines. Task 1. [2]

A comparison regarding customer ...
A comparison of the proportion of how people felt about the service offered by US airlines is presented in the bar chart, while the table shows the percentage of particular aspect that should be considered in air travel from 1999, 2000 to 2007. Overall, people were more likely to fell satisfaction regarding the service. This was due to the good service from flight attendance.

According to the data, the safest ...
As per the data, the level of satisfaction accounted for 65% in 1999. In the subsequent years, this continued to increase and reached a peak of 72%. This is in stark contrast to the proportion of dissatisfied people hitting a low of 24% in 2007.

Writing Feedback / The figures who apply for teaching job in two different subjects in Ontario between 2001 and 2007 [3]


The line graph presents the proportion of graduates who applied for jobs as teachers of both French and English languages in Ontario from 2001 to 2007, a period of 6 years. Overall, initially, both percentages accounted for a 70% success rate in the recruitment. Yet, a gap between French and English-teacher figures had widen out. In any case, the recruitment of French teachers increased steadily, while that of English ones showed the reverse .

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: The people who must give responsibility to solve children unhealthy lifestyle problem [2]


It is claimed that children today live in a sedentary. As such, people argue that school and parents should take this issue into account. While this notion is utterly acceptable, I believe that government, non-government organization, media also have responsibility to endure children live health .

As you can see, I have made some changes. It is always good to put your opinion upfront, so the examiners know what you are trying to argue in the body paragraph.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-TASK2 : RECRUITMENT OF TEACHERS IN ONTARIO BETWEEN 2001 AND 2007 [2]

The line graph highlights PRESENTS THE PERCENTAGE OF GRADUATES WHO APPLY FOR JOBS AS TEACHERS OF ENGLISH AND FRENCH the regular teachers who registered in Ontario from 2001 to 2007 and it is measured in percentage. Overall, it can be seen that recruitment for English-Language teachers experienced a fluctuation during the period, whereas the French-language displayed a steep plunge each over a three-year period.a gap between the figures had widened out. While the recruitment of English teachers decrease throughout the year, the converse would appear to be true for that of French ones

According to the data, both of the ...
As per the data, there was a starting point of finding employment, with 70% of both figures. After a dramatic decrease, the recruitment of French teachers fully recovered to almost 70%, while the proportion of English teachers continued to drop of 40%.

Between 2003 and 2005, both of them increased ...
By 2007, the figure for French teacher leveled out, but there is a small drop of approximately 2% before reaching a peak of around 73%. In contrast, a slight rise was recorded in the recruitment of English teachers to about 3%, but then again, this decreased to hit a low of below 39%.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: English and French Teachers Who Apply to Teach Regularly in Ontario [2]


Initially, teachers of both languages had approximately a 70% success rate in finding jobs.


As per the data, French teachers were more successful than the English ones. The recruitment for French teachers fell by approximately 50%, but then rebounded gradually to virtually 70% in the following year. This is in a stark contrast to the figure for English teachers decreasing significantly from above 70% to 40% between 2001 and 2003, a decline of about 30% in 2 years.

Writing Feedback / Nowadays, a large number of young people have the way of living which is unhealthy. [4]


Apart from this, government could also encourage children to have a healthy life. It is vital to design a family policy which allows stay-at-home children to gain better informed about healthy life. Also, government should create a daycare spot to take care of children if their mothers offer apprenticeships. For instance, a recent poll by the Government of Canada found that 68% of young teenagers who have been taught how to live better would shun doing a sedentary lifestyle.

Writing Feedback / Out of country's health budget, a large proportion should be diverted from treatment to prevention [3]

Intro:
Building a culture of health is not a night effort. As such, some people argue that government should allocate more funds on health education and preventive measures so as that society lives under health conditions. While this notion is utterly acceptable, I would argue this way will raise dire consequences

Conclusion:
To sum up, society should be supported with good healthcare system to have a better life. This can be only done if government sets up more funds. Yet, some thoughtful consideration must be taken into account.

Writing Feedback / Football World Cup and similar international sports are gathering masses of people and sports lovers [2]

Football World Cup and similar international ... Here is my edit;


Sports events bring world peace. As such, some people believe that football World Cup and other international sporting occasions played an important role to reinforce the relation and reduce the tension between many countries. While some people disagree with this statement, since the events cost lots money, I tend to agree because international games can be necessary for international relations and national unity.

This paragraph lacks thesis statement. It is always good to use "I" when it comes the intro. The prompt is asking you to do so


Conclusion:
In conclusion, while some people argue that world sports events waste lots money, I would claim the such events preserve relations among countries. Where possible, serious consequences of this matter should be taken into account.

Well, for me, I have place lots of confidence in the structure I suggest for IELTS students on this forum. In fact it is not something I invented or created, but a structure that I found doing some research on books

1. a concluding signal: in conclusion, to sum up, etc
2. paraphrase the thesis- simply reword the thesis given.
3. personal though; warning, hopes or fear

Hope this helps :D

Writing Feedback / Unhealthy lifestyle among people, particularly young generation [2]


Well, I think I need to rewrite your intro, since some ideas did not fully cover what should be in the opening paragraph.
Today's issue is how to maintain people health. This notion is utterly true, since many people live under poor health conditions. Lack of exercise and eating junk food can be the reason why this issue is growing. To tackle this matter, I believe that people should be encouraged to take regular exercise and eat healthy food.

When it comes to the introduction, I always break down my strategy intro three steps.
1. A Hook., a catchy phrase. Such a phrase can attract readers attention.
2. Background information: simply restate the question.
3. Thesis statement + Outline: Here you need to show your claim regarding the issue, and then prove it with an outline, as the main topic of discussion.

Hope this helps :D

Writing Feedback / A comparison of different areas where some schools in UK spent their yearly budget from 1981 to 2001 [2]

Overall, most of the school budgetS were spend SPENT to pay the teacher's salary in each year. In any case, majority of the areas experienced a fluctuation (I am not sure such a word can be used here. I suggest omitting this part.) during the period, while insurance area COST saw an upward trend.

school in UK spent their budget mostly to pay the teachers, (STOP HERE) THIS RECORDED more than two fifths from the percentage, increased INCREASING from only 40% in 1981.

spending in furniture and equipment was WAS NOTED AS the second highest of proportion in 2001 with 23%, increased from A RISE OF only 5% in 1991 and 15% in 1981 respectively.


Money spent in other resources

with less than a fifth in the beginning AT THE BEGINNING OF THE PERIOD and finish with only about 9% in the REMAINDER OF THE period

Overall, you could write well. Yet, slight mistakes could ruin your score. It is always good to spend five minutes to check you grammar, prior to ending your report essay. Good Luck.

Scholarship / The Proportion of overseas students graduated from universities in different Canadian provinces [3]


A comparison of international graduates in percentage terms from universities in 8 regions in Canada in two separate years, 2001 and 2006 is illustrated in the bar chart. New Brunswick broke a record as by far the highest number of international graduates in both years. While the percentage of student graduates in New Brunswick increased in 2006, 2001 experienced a decrease in Alberta.


The preposition "BY" is used here, if a person/ people does the action. since no one to do so, you need to change it into "IN". Here do I show you an example with the combination between IN and BY. .... presented IN the table BYstudents. But nevertheless, we always omit "by students" as this part is unnecessary.

Writing Feedback / TASK 1. Problem for people living abroad [4]

I have no words to say, since there is no pict included. For the following pict, it is always good to attach any pict regarding this report writing.


Well, you can use the preposition "BY" with a person/ people as the doer. You need to change it into "IN". Here do I show you an example with the combination between IN and BY. .... presented IN the table BY students. But nevertheless, we always omit "by students" as this part is unnecessary.


This lacks referencing and substitution. every starting sentence is written with no referencing and substitution, unless you have mentioned it previously. For this case, the substitution is too vague.




Those are slight mistakes that students are always neglected. What makes students hover at a score of six is that they cannot tackle the matters.

Writing Feedback / Three big problems which people who live abroad must deal with - according to their age. [2]

You need to include the pict. You know what, it takes some time to understand the report writing with no pict attached :D


This is not "BY", but "IN". but nevertheless, the preposition BY can be used with people/person as the doer.


Lots of words collocate with problems, instead of "BIG", which over-use of general expressions lacking precision.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2 - Investor are less importance than doctors [2]


This paragraph is too short to be introduction. You need at least three sentences to show what you are trying to argue. Such sentences consist of a catchy phrase, named HOOK. Although some essayists tend to write no hook in their essay, I am highly confident to suggest IELTS students for this, since such a way is very good approach to attract your readers' attention. Following this, it is background information. It is always good to soon notice the keywords extracted from the question, and then restate them with your own words. After constructing your background, then what you have to think is thesis sentence. This is your main idea about the whole issue. Then as final sentence you need to create an outline as the guideline to show what the examiner will read in the rest of the essay. Let me give a try;

World needs to be more inclusive society. As such, some people argue that investors are more likely to enhance society development. While this is utterly true, as these prolific people often invest through groups or networks, I would claim that doctors brings more benefits to society, such as treating and curing any ailments.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1: The Arresting Percentage of Societies in Five Years Ending 1994 [3]


Fast forward to your preceding IELTS report, I' ve told you that such phrases can be categorized as "shopping list", putting the information one fact after another. When it comes to the real exam, I am sure that you'll have points deducted being with this list. Listen, in IELTS you are tested in how good you deal with contrast and comparison patterns and the key-trend selection.

A closer look at my intro;
A breakdown of the proportion of males and females who who had just placed under arrested from 1989 to 1994 is presented in the pie chart, while the bar chart shows motivation behind the cases. As it can be seen, the total figures for males sent to jail were higher than those of females. In any case, there did seem to be common reason that people all got arrested with regard to public drinking.

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 1 - Woodward University Map [3]

The maps showShow the changed ofthe development of Woodwards University spatialduring 1985 until now. Overall, it can be seen that the university has alteredsome changes inmost of thethelayout of buildings connected one another at present, while certain development in public services is introduceddemolished some establishments and replaced them with some othersregarding towith the regard to the necessity, much different from 1985's.

As you can see, I have made a slight improvement in an opening paragraph. Hopefully you could notice the changes.


The outward appearance of the the library and IT center lying in the northwest of the map has been further expanded to the shuttle bus terminal.


A footpath connecting the Science Laboratories and Lecture Theater leads to the north east of the map


Well, if I were you, then I'd merely focus on the changes. This means that today's development has more chances to be discussed.

Writing Feedback / Role of popular events in calming tensions between countries? IELTS Task 2 [2]


I think this is good writing. Yet, you failed to present your claim, as this is the most important way in introduction. If you lacks this, then readers do not know what you are trying to argue. Here is my sample;

Nationalism involves strong emotions, feeling and actions. As such, it is agreed that the World Cup football match and the Olympics can be necessary to bind people for international relations. While this notion is utterly acceptable, I would argue that these worldwide events may be a trigger for further tensions amongst countries

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 Reading for developing imaginations and languages skills than TV. [3]

Your starting sentence needs polishing . Listen, when you are asked to write an essay that works, you have to grab readers' attention and make them want to read your essay. I am sure every essayist will agree with the fact. A hook, a catchy phrase, can be one of strategies you can use to do so. You do not have to work too hard on it ,but start with something simple. If you have a difficulty with a hook, then start straight away with the background by restating the prompt with your own words. Eventually, you need to create an outline to help readers categorize your main points. Listen, you have to write at least three sentences in one paragraph so as that you have more rooms for discussion. As an EF contributor and English teacher in English Studio Pare, I suggest students for this. If you write less than the required ones, then there will be no coherence among paragraphs. Let me give a try;

Building creativity with imaginations and ability in skills will be valuable in reading section than on television. I agree with this statement that I consider about how the way of brain creates something new on new reading activity.

Developing language skills and imagination is hard to master. As such, it is agreed that reading brings immense benefits, since such an activity provides an active learning for learners. However, some others argue that TV offers pictorial record to help people learn faster. In my view, I believe that reading nourishes people brain so as that they could expand their knowledge and awareness.

hope this helps :D
- eddy suaib

Writing Feedback / In a few decades, development of technology has changed the life of ordinary society - IELTS 2 [2]

First and foremost,earlier developmentthe influx of technology has become the most influenced sector in society'severyday life. Almost every aspect of what people need is using technology (This idea sounds repetitive and brings no value, so I omit it) . Furthermore, technology ..., which technology? are you talking about the past or recent ones? has developed rapidly due to competitive issues in global, (STOP HERE) thus, it has given tremendous benefits ??? what are they? Listen, body paragraph needs in-depth discussion. What you present here is too vague for changes of ordinary society. However, it would become harmful if the technological development will increase continuously in the future. There are several negative impacts to deal with.( One paragraph consist of one main idea. As I see here, you are trying to hit and run this ideas with the preceding one. I strongly suggest breaking this into the new one._For instance... (when you raise an example, it is always good to ask journalistic questions to make an detailed example ).

I did not check the flow of the sentence, since there do seem to be common grammatical problems that must be solved. I suggest checking your basic grammar prior to submitting here. If you don't what to do with this, then ask your personal tutors to guide you, both grammar and flow of the sentences.