Graduate / Personal Statements for MPH programs (Public Health) [3]


This line and the whole first paragraph are kind of uneventful and boring... they just amount to an observation about how modern times are in a developed nation...

I don't think accessible works here:

The environment was a faint reminder of how developed and accessible of a country we live in the country has become, yet simultaneously it generates an avenue for a one-dimensional way of life where one brand name under one roof will sell you

Use a hyphen: five-year

This confirmed my personal mission of being accepted into an MPH program and that a career in Public Health was my calling.---I like this sentence.

I'm confident that through a Masters of Public Health program at XXX, I will gain comprehensive knowledge in applying systems thinking to current challenges...---This paragraph has great detail.

Okay, my advice for you is to KEEP IT SIMPLE. Cut lots of the content. Focus on ONE big message for the reader. Other topics can be shared, but they should all relate to one big message. For some weird reason, I want to mention Araby as a source of inspiration as you reflect on the importance of giving a piece of writing that has ONE BIG MESSAGE.

Undergraduate / Essay for FAMU admissions (activity, interest, experience, or achievement) - start? [2]


That's terrible, Mark, I hope you are taking good care of your parents whenever they are reminded of the tragedy.

Well, you can make this even more powerful (i.e. powerful in the way that a piece of writing can be powerful) if you make it about an experience that occurred as PART of the complexity and pain that followed the tragedy. Do not just refer generally to the tragedy. Zero in on a detail, a particular moment.

That will intensify the whole essay.

Also, why are you telling the details about where they went to school? You should focus on one theme, one message represented by that moment you choose. Think of a profound film, like... Thin Red Line. A work of art, like the film or your essay, should capture one or more moments and use those moments to share a message/lesson.

:-)

Undergraduate / "the dynamic learning environment and cultural diversity" - Transfer Application [3]

Capitalize Internet.

Love is one thing (singular), so... do this:
My love for computers and the internet make Internet makes information technology an ideal major for me.

Is it really necessary to talk about the fact that you lacked focus? Oh.. and maybe they will judge you harshly for smoking marijuana! You know, I understand that you want to acknowledge the blemishes on your transcript, but I say this:

YOU CAN ACKNOWLEDGE THE LOW GRADES IN HALF A SENTENCE, AND THEN MOVE ON TO TALK ABOUT YOUR INSPIRATION ABOUT IT.

That is most important. Do NOT give multiple paragraphs about anxiety, marijuana, and bad grades. Don't even talk about it at all. Just refer briefly to the poor grades you got in the past, and then move on to the MAIN FOCUS OF THE ESSAY: your detailed plan for becoming an IT professional and specializing in _____ (what is your specialization going to be?)

...But the honeymoon period soon ended and I became homesick.

While at Bellevue College, I took some difficult classes and ended up getting A' and B's. My confidence is at an all time high and I was in good spirits. ---This is an excellent way to START the essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / Education: Key to Eradication: Uchicago option 3 essay [6]


It would be irresponsible for me to answer. I think the schools do not choose based on the essay. They choose students in order to achieve a certain amount of cultural diversity, in order to make profitable connections, and so forth. I guess I am just cynical.

But anyway, I know that the AO reader will think in a way that is completely different from the way I think... AND I do not know what competition you are up against.

But...


:-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL writing: A new university will be established in the community. Agree or not? [5]

If people may use their ID card or other effective cards, they may enter the library. As to the gym, people can use it, but it charges them for various prices.---It may be okay this way. I am not sure if I understand correctly. "Effective" was not a good word.

Last but not least, a university in our campus community can also enhance our living environment.

For instance, there should not be noisy activities around the university, which may cause the disturbance of students' learning. ---Ha ha, at the university I attended, we were the ones causing all the noise.

Thanks to the regulation, the inhabitants benefits benefit as well.

:-)

Undergraduate / "I joined the army, hoping they could guide me..." - Rutgers Application. [2]

It's not convincing... what are the new languages?
The first paragraph seems like a big cliche about people being picked on for being different, etc., and... throughout the essay, you express indecision and lack of focus.

Make a plan, develop the plan by specifying 10 short term goals, and then explain the plan in this essay. That is your strategy. It is a way to make sure this is meaningful and substantial. I know it can be tough to write an essay like this after being away from academics for a few months, so I want to give you thins strategy:

1.) remember that you can have more than on career.
2.) choose one for now, and make a plan to excel in it.
3.) keep your options open, but write this essay as though you are determined and decisive.

The essay has to express one big message about your plan. Do not talk about having a full ride to any college, and do not just write everything that comes to mind. Decide what your message will be, and explain your plan in a professional, serious way. It is impossible if you have not made a plan for your future, but if you have a solid plan this is easy.

:-)

Book Reports / "The Story of Lucy Gault" Literary Perspective (psychoanalysis/gender criticism) [2]

I guess I would give it a B. The thesis is clear, and the writing is good, but... the main idea of this is a bit too simple. I mean, maybe it is going to get you an A, but my problem with it is that the id ego can be blamed for almost all human problems! So, I think you can say something slightly more complex about it.

You can dig deeper by reading more about id, ego, and superego, and quote freud about his main observations... find a concept associated with id ego that you had not yet heard of, and see if you can find examples of it in the story. It is not good enough to just talk about the characters' errors and at the end of every paragraph say, "That was because of id." I think you should give a bit more discussion and citation of Freud's work about this, and then find a way to use the story to show evidence of these concepts related to id.

Know what I mean? Instead of limiting this to the simple fact about "id" and what it is, go deeper in your reading of Freud and in that way make the essay deeper, too.

:-) I hope that helps and that I am not just being a nitpicker.

Scholarship / "Why a particular interest in the area of Literature?" - Bishop's School [2]

That means you have not read anything you like! I suggest starting with something for which you can find a great analysis.

First, what are some "areas" of lit? Do you ever read anything at all? Some kids don't read anything they don't have to read. I like books Japanese literature, so I have been reading about the Buddhist poet Kobayashi Issa.

I bet maybe you will enjoy horror. Do you enjoy the tension that Dean Koontz creates in his fiction? Do you enjoy the strange, dull fear that Stephen King creates in Salem's Lot? Misery?

I suggest King for you. I don't know you, but I am going to use my intuition and guess that you should focus on modern horror fiction.

And you can cite King's essay: drmarkwomack.com/pdfs/horrormovies.pdf
This refers to "horror movies," but of course the same ideas apply to horror literature.

Now, get started!! If you don't spend some hours reading, you won't be a scholar. :-)

Essays / How to put together a good essay about "Bottoming Out" in King Lear? [4]

It's always messy to use "one" with "they." Here is my method:
When people "bottom out," they are at...

Makes it sound nicer!! :-)

Change that semi-colon to a dash. Google around about usage for semi-colon vs. dash.

Looking good! Clever approach, but... it is true that what goes up must come down, but it is not true that what goes down must come up. In some cases, people start to rise after hitting rock bottom, but I'm afraid in most cases they just lose their clarity forever and suffer. So... for the paper, I think this theme will work, but in your own decisions, keep in mind: what goes down does not always come up. That's why it's important to be careful and diligent. And it's why I drive more slowly than my grandmother!

Writing Feedback / IELTS: How to measure one's experiences and knowledge? [5]

Great edit, Joseph! I'll add some more ideas, here...

practical test, testimonials , whereas unending standard projects are considered to be ineffective tool for estimating students' ability at University level. ----testimonial means something different.

This is a difficult one (below)!! You did a good job with it, but I'll show you how to make it a little better with "render."

As for course work and projects, however, it can be noticed that the time and availability of sources draw a line concluding that create a limitation that renders these types of works are more likely to be useful way of learning something, not the tool for evaluating ones knowledge.

Essays / Interracial messages on the movie "Our Wedding Family" (2010) [4]


Well, you are going to have to think of one. This is an important skill. If you cannot discern the message carried in artistic expression, you are not going to be able to enjoy life.

Now, besides the fact that I have not seen the film, I don't want to give you any answers because this is an essential life skill. You need to be able to experience cinematic art and ask yourself, "Why did the writer decide to choose a parking garage for this scene?" "Why did the writer choose to make the evil character win in the end?"

Ask yourself what secret message is being transmitted. You can actually find the answer by looking at a review. Google this: Our Family Wedding By JUSTIN CHANG

But if you have not watched the film, watch it, because you need to be able to receive messages transmitted through art. Make time for this, the most important thing. ;-)

Grammar, Usage / "time is up" VS "time is over" - are they different from each other? [5]

"Time is over. "---I have never heard this sentence.

I have heard this:
The time for talking is over. Now we need to take action.
Your turn is over. It's my turn now.

Everyone please stop. Time is up.

"Time is up." This is a common expression that means the time limit has been reached.

Writing Feedback / Children at work: damaging and wrong? [2]

On one hand, some people assert that employing children could be productive and gainful, and those who hold this point of view argue that it has had been largely beneficial.------In the state of Maine, I think the state government is trying to change child labor laws so that kids can work longer hours and be paid less than minimum wage! This is an interesting topic.

Don't use too many semi-colons:
On the other hand, there are those who disagree with this argument; they are not convinced and strongly oppose it. They tend to claim that...-----Nice, job! You write so well!

...it might be a curse and it could has have detrimental effects as well.

:-)

Practice all these sentences! Practice typing them the correct way, and your typing fingers will remember the correct grammar.

Writing Feedback / People should place emphasis on improving the skill of working within groups, not independently [3]

Let's find a few ways to improve grammar. Look for the small changes I make:

Even though it is true that it would bring a greater sense of achievement to individual to do things on her own, people in every workplace tend to be more likely to talk about working in a team and building a good team.

More often than not, in most fields, a team can achieve much more extensive scope than an individual can; as the proverb goes, "Two heads are better than one."----Notice that this is a good way to use a semi-colon.

Moreover, in a real business world, to some extend extent, work could not be...----Remember, extent and extend... there is a difference!! :-)

Last but not least, it's society's need that forces people...

Okay, you don't have a lot of errors. Congratulations! You write very well!

Writing Feedback / "Why are groups or organizations important to people?" - my writing practice [3]

Birdman did give some great advice. Birdman, please check out the contributor page! You do great work here. (see the link at the bottom of the screen).

I want to mention that this sentence does not need to be so long:
The reason is that groups or organizations help me to gain more knowledge and learn more social skills. from the pursuits of groups or organizations. You appreciate groups and organizations because they help you gain knowledge and skill. You can end the sentence there.

Adychang, your English is already very effective! It is clear, but it has grammar errors. Please type the essay again while using the advice from birdman, and then we can look to see if you still have errors.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Choosing desirable subjects to study in the university? [3]


what?! When would it ever be appropriate for the government to decide what people study? It is not appropriate for parents or government to make decisions for other people...

Keep the tense the same:
Moreover, students might feel disappointed and discouraged discouraging if the subjects which are chosen for them are the disciplines they do not want to learn.

On the one hand, the government should recommend some disciplines to students who are indecisive about what they are going to study in the university----Everything you wrote is very wise and eloquently expressed. This is looking good. I cannot imagine anyone ever thinking the government should choose for students.

:-)

Scholarship / A Narrative Engineering Scholarship Essay based on long-term goal career [2]

It's 4:30 AM, the sound of the alarm wakes me up from my bed, and I switch on the light, say my morning prayers, do my regular exercise, brush my teeth and take my bath. By the time I'm through with my bath, the time is already 5:15 am. I dress up, look myself in the mirror: a 55 year-old senior software engineer. I smiled smile and go to my desk.

(Above, I made several changes. Notice the place where I put a colon in 4:30. Try to find all the changes I made and practice the correct way.

Use "are"
On my schedule list are two import places and tasks.

Use a colon:
I arrive at Mississippi State University at 9:00AM.

Capitalize Internet

... thereby causing financial harm to this worker because these hackers have access to their bank login details, personal emails login details, credit card details, PayPal login details, and so much more------------This sentence is too long! It is very intriguing, and I am interested, but you should simplify and write with short, clear sentences sometimes.

in software Engineering engineering at the department of...

When the program ends, I on my laptop , connect to the Internet, read my e-mail, chat with friends, and we help each other with codes.

:-)

Undergraduate / UW Transfer -- personal hardship, life experience (business major) [2]

Because of these enriching experiences, I began to see the world through new lenses and my priorities changed. -----I like your writing. It kept me interested throughout that long introduction. It's very interesting stuff, your cool story. But right here, at this sentence, you have something very important to do. You need to give 2 sentences of VERY meaningful analysis of what changed in you as a result of these experiences. In fact, if you can eliminate some unnecessary words in the paragraph to make it shorter, that will be even better. But what I am suggesting is that here, at the end of this paragraph, you should try to share some useful insights with the reader, and it should be the most interesting insight you gained. Make it great!

Although, there are a number of universities that offer a bachelor's in business, the Foster School of Business with Seattle's culturally diverse community have been the most appealing. Additionally, I would love to take advantage of the ...----Okay, you did a pretty good job of showing how thoughtful you have been about your eduction! Pretty good...

We can simplify here:
Today, I consider myself lucky because I have lived in two distinct cultures, the Russian and American. -----It's okay like this.

Move the apostrophe:
My father's exemplary work...

Alright, you are pretty good. This is pleasant to read, and you have a fascinating background. I think you are definitely the type of writer who should revise each draft and try to take out as many words and phrases as possible. Always try to cut the weakest content as you revise.

I don't have much to say about it, because it is all very good! As you revise, keep in mind the purpose: to make the reader feel inspired by the your seriousness and dedication to your education. The most important focus for the essay in your focus on showing your seriousness and how well you are planning your education and career.

:-)

Writing Feedback / "how stupid I am"; 5 minutes down-town [5]

Also, at the beginning you need "the"...

The red light appeared, and I had to stop the car.

:-)

Mahsa, capitalize the first word of every sentence, even if it is in " " marks. Also, I hope you have time to type this again and try to use the corrections Annika gave. Try typing it correctly, and if you still have errors we will fix them. You have to practice typing the correct way over and over again.

Writing Feedback / Someone is worth us telling the truth, someone isn't. [4]


We all make grammar mistakes. It's okay. The great thing is that you have brilliant philosophical ideas.

I think it is true that you cannot always tell the truth, just as you cannot always avoid a fight. Fighting is not good, and lying is not good, but in this world we need to take care of ourselves.

Some people are worth telling the truth, and other people are not. Some people need the truth, and others do not need it.

If we think about it more deeply, not telling the truth is not equal to lying, and sometimes we lie just because we are more considerate.

Please practice typing those sentences above. Practice by typing each of them 10 times!! That is the way to remember the correct grammar.

Also, try typing the essay again when you have time. Make the corrections given here, and practice typing it at least twice. Then, we will look to see if you still have errors.

Undergraduate / Northwestern Letter of Interest - co-authoring UNC paper, NU sex demo. controversy [2]

Disillusioned... what was the illusion it dispelled? I think you may not have used the word correctly.

Disillusioned by the rush of college applications back in late 2010, I ___________________- Replace the end of this sentence (which was not impressive i.e. had a hard time deciding... indecision is not impressive) with some words that justify your use of "disillusioned." I like the way that word looks at the start, but explain what the rush of applications did to disillusion you.

Capitalize Internet

... asking me just how badly I wanted to attend Northwestern on a scale of 1-10 -- I giddily (but candidly) replied "10". Northwestern and I had finally sparked.-----Wow, it sounds like a sales strategy. When you sell cars or furniture, you are supposed to try to get a verbal commitment or affirmation from the prospective buyer...

Be efficient:
After being able to reflecting on my choices and my aspirations, I can genuinely say that Northwestern University is the place I want to be.

I really like your writing style, but you have to get efficient and prioritize. Every sentence is a little bit of work for the reader, so make every sentence powerful. Challenge yourself to cut at least 25% of this content. That is how to REFINE it.

Think about the most important message you want to convey, and express it in the intro and conclusion. I like the conclusion but not really the intro. The essay should have one main message/theme for the reader to remember. Express that powerfully at the beginning and end, and omit distracting, unnecessary details.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Which is more important family or friends? [3]


Wow, very nice...

or example, even we were adapted children, we couldn't adopted children cannot stop seeking their real parents who have never looked after us at all.

Friend , on the other hand, share school life, emotions and secrets with us. As tutors , our friends assist us in learning difficult...

Moreover, sharing our emotion and secrets can make us inhibited when telling our parents about it, but with them tends to serve as a effective way to reduce the pressure on us.

:-) I like your ideas!!!!!!!!!

Graduate / "Public service" - NYU - Why Wagner, why now, and why you? [5]


Whis means they are testing you to see how thoughtfully you have chosen this school. Students who read a lot and plan for the future often have very specific answers to these questions.

This is a classic example of how the rich in third world counties take advantage of the poor. -------------Very good discussion here... and the same thing happens in developed countries, too!

I believe there is no better place than Wager to obtain this knowledge.
NYU Wagner has a renowned MPA program which prepares its' students to face the ever-changing world of public service agencies. Its' exceptional faculty are experts in their fields of public service whose research continues to serve as a foundation for other leading experts. It is the only public service college in the New York metropolitan area that offers a MPA program with a specialization in Finance, which is specifically designed for someone like me. ------I am very impressed with the essay and believe you will be accepted, but if you want to improve it get a little more specific about "why wagner." You have the opportunity to specify which professors' articles/books you have read, which resources you will use, and in general share your detailed plan. You really did a great job already, but you can add more detail to apply pressure to the reader by showing the reader just how much time and thought you have invested in this.

:-)

Undergraduate / "it's only a matter of will to overcome our obstacles" - admissions, college apps [12]

This sentence is a little convoluted:
Although, art is divided in many branches, I didn't know which one to choose for my career, until last year. Last year, I discovered my artistic specialization during an ethics class when the teacher showed a video involving environmental issues. ----Look at how many words I was able to remove from this sentence. Simplify whenever you can.

:-)

From that moment I decided I want to dedicate my life to designing buildings which look good for the human eye, and more important, that respect the nature in the environment where they are built.----Maybe you should write "in a way that is respectful to..." because the buildings cannot respect anything... But they can be built in a way that is respectful.

The key for an endurable life is to live with the nature, not a part of it.

I want to prepare myself as much as I can for college, and nothing would be better than working in an environment where everyone who is working there has the same interests as me.

Writing Feedback / A Good Employee Definition Essay [6]


Well, I see that in this case you mentioned both, as the prof requested.


Again, you succeeded in doing both.


In this case, you succeeded again. However, only that brief last sentence shows what happens if the person is a team player (i.e. leads the team to success") but you could write a little more.

Overall, this is very good!!

Writing Feedback / Independent life or living with family? [6]

Do not say "difference between both of them."
Just say, "Difference between them"
Living independently or living with family is completely different life style and also, young adults should know difference between them.

In my opinion, I think it is better to for young adults to live with ...

These are: comfortable living situation, financial stability, and moral support.

use that spell checker! ---> Nevertheless, after they find an accommodation , they must...

Young adults they don't need to make ...

Afterwards The last reason is that moral support from parents can benefit young adults.

If young adults who live with parents go to a party, they won`t drink and smoke, because their parents wait for them until they get home. ------Good point!!

:-) Nice job, keep practicing your English grammar.

Poetry / Parker's "General Review Of The Sex Situation" VS Shakur's "Love Is Just Complicated" [2]


So Google one ofr these terms with the title of one of the poems. You'll find discussions of, for example, "imagery" as it is used in one of the poems.

All you need to do is write about one of these terms and one of the poems. Just write one sentence about one term. You can give a sentence about imagery on one of the poems, and then maybe use a quotation as an example. Just start by writing about one. Do that, and you'll soon have a paragraph about one of the poems.

Do the same for the other poem, and you'll have 2 paragraphs.

When you have written 5 paragraphs, add an intro and conclusion paragraph, and you will be all done!

In fact, after you have written 2 paragraphs about each poem, I think you will be able to write a whole paragraph just about sims and differences shown in those 4 paragraphs.

Good luck!! I hope you enjoy it!

Writing Feedback / Toefl: spend leisure time outdoors or indoors? [6]

However, being outdoors seems to allow recreation to happen more easily than being indoors does. ---Notice the small changes I made here.

The word "recreation" literally means "re-creation'; in other words, creating one's self all over again. ----nice job!!

Spending time outdoors, people can breathe fresh air, feel the warm sun on their face and enjoy the complete peace that only nature brings. ---another great sentence!

My experience shows that I would feel like a new woman after accomplishing a long walk or run.

In sum conclusion, I am inclined to participate in ...

:-)

Writing Feedback / Has learning about the past been beneficial to our present life? Help me correct it. [3]

Have we even wondered that why we have the subject of history as a pre-requisite course in school.

The answer seems to be simply that history tells people about what happened in the past, and that is very useful for us in some cases.

Therefore, I completely disagree with statement that learning from the past is pointless.---me too!

Pural: their consequences
Judging from history, a lot of terrible mistakes can be traced so that we may easily avoid their consequences.

Studying history is a practice that preserves our memory.
:-) Nice job!!!!

Grammar, Usage / "Academic English?"- converting poor english dissertation into academic uk english [2]

Are you trying to make sure it is correct UK English or Correct American English? Which do you prefer?

If you use Microsoft Word, the grammar and spelling checker tools will underline mistakes and if you use a PC you can right click them to see correct options. That is what I use. I'm sure it works similarly with a Mac.

What did your teacher say exactly? I think you may have more errors than you think, because your grammar has mistakes:
My teacher has crossed out many words and identified mistakes, saying it is not proper UK ac ademic writing. My teacher wants to see it in Academic English .

You might want to post some of it here, and we will help you!

Scholarship / (Security Commision) past achievement and future career aspiration: finance [2]

...exposed to leadership skills and qualities.

As young as 7 years old, I have started to develop and polish my leadership abilities. in me which turn out it keeps developing until now. I held the position as a class monitor since...

Look at this form of a sentence:
Last but not least, after attending an interview, I was being selected as the Peer Guidance of the school.
It is just like this one:
After visiting a college, I was determined to become a student.
You use "ing"
After mixing the soup, I was tired of cooking.

Due to my countless of experiences as a leader, I found ...------When you use "countless" you do not need to use "of"

Then, if I were given the opportunity I would like to bring my career path into the Islamic Capital Market (ICM) where I can work in a new and different environment.

knowledges
knowledge

I am interested to build my career with SC because I want to apply my knowledge and skills in a positive manner, which ...

Very impressive!!! Welcome to EssayForum.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - old buildings were rebuilt or redesigned [4]

However, there are increasingly many old buildings are becoming the victims during the process of the city's modernization.

In fact, many old buildings have been evidences to corroborate something claims that appeared to be unconvincing but had been recorded in some ancient books.

What the old buildings do to benefit us is play a vital role in the developing of the tourism while also preserving history.

With all aspects outlined above, I subscribe a notion that old buildings is encouraged to should be preserved and that some repairs are indispensable.
"Indispensable" means that they are necessary. Did you mean to say that?

:-) Keep practicing!! You are doing well.

Writing Feedback / Ronnie Coleman; Celebrity question - what would you ask a famous person? [5]


Yep! It's true. And to be perfectly honest... I guess I do think some topics are lame. :-)

If I had to ask a celebrity a question, I would ask this guy how to play the banjo

Writing Feedback / Essay about Prevention and Health Education is better than cure [5]


Very good point!

Yes, I think it should not be a question of taking from cure to give to prevention. We should take from less important expenses and improve health care! So, I agree with you!

I think your intro paragraph and conclusion paragraph are too short. Add at least one sentence to each. It's important to add sentences that help the reader to understand your main argument. Pretend I said, "I don't understand. Can you explain in a different way?" Explain it in a different way, and add that sentence. Make the intro and conclusion paragraphs longer! :-)

Scholarship / Migration to the US from India; English and Math [11]


Very good writing here...


Excellent. I think you'll do very well! We are lucky to have you here at EssayForum. Please share what you have learned about the English language, and help these other kids. Your style of writing is uniquely effective.

Writing Feedback / Our children today spend too much time watching TV _AnhTrung [3]

One word: outdoor

...outdoor activities to make them healthier both mentally and physically.

The child must do his homework.
homework: time to do his homework. As a result, he scores could be lower than others who use more free time finishing their home work.

Secondly, watching television is a passive actitvity activity, which makes children become lazy and overweight.

This habit also causes many other issues with the eyes such as being short sighted or long sighted, and other heart health problems.

this has to be connected as one sentence:
In conclusion, I believe that although television has negative effectiveness influences on the children, it also gives ...

Practice all the changes! Your English is almost perfect, so keep practicing the correct grammar. :-)

Writing Feedback / STUDYING ABROAD IS NOT JUST STUDYING ABOUT EDUCATION [5]

It looks nicer if you do this: okay

Everything was Okay. I felt very lucky, because ...

I had relatives in Canada and they could help me about something what do you mean to say here?

But I soon discovered something that I could not believed believe.

My relatives were not kind person people.

But when I was at school, everything was opposite. The people in my school they are very kind.

Anyway, I discovered that studying abroad does not just mean I study academic subjects. After six months in Canada, I learned about how to take care myself.

Please practice typing the sentences again. Type them 10 times each so you can remember the correct grammar. Try changing some of the words in the sentences and typing them again:

My relatives were not kind people.
My teachers were not wise leaders.
My pens and pencils were not effective weapons.

PRACTICE!! You can improve a lot at EssayForum.

:-)

Writing Feedback / College English Composition 1. Essay over "Personal Identity" [3]

The content requirements for this particular assignment are quite ironic -- ironic in that I was misunderstood even before I was born. ---I needed to put these 2 sentences together or the second one would have been incomplete.

My mother always says, "Life offers one (remove comma) many roads in which to travel; some smooth, some rough, some winding, and some tough."

and I am my mother's son; misunderstood by many but understood by one.----very cool

Trim the excess:
Growing up throughout m My childhood was pretty simple -- , with no major issues to face. T typical good grades, best buddies and friends to hangout with, and two parents who were always ...

Hyphen:
My next endeavor will be to attempt to attend a four-year university where I will be able to obtain my pharmacy degree.

In order to edit, cut content, and finish the conclusion, you need to ask yourself what is most important. What is the most important experience for you to create in the mind of the reader? Cut out all that does not help enforce that experience.

What is your favorite part of the essay? That is where the inspiration is. Focus on that, and finish the essay! I think you have a great writing style, but you may include distracting details that do not help you achieve your main goal.

:-)

Graduate / SOP for Msc in Renewable Energy: a successful engineer [4]

Skim the first 2 paragraphs, and make a list of the significant pieces of info you give. I think you do not give all that much info. So, you use a lot of text to give a small amount of info. I think you should brainstorm a perfect word or concept that you can use as your theme. Do you know what I mean? While you give this info, explain it in terms of a memorable theme -- some word that is perfect for explaining your career plan.

So, can you add a theme to that introduction?

Career planning is not the only topic I have focused on in my life.---I made 2 small changes.

Throughout the whole essay, you write very professionally. I just wish you would think of a "magic word" that would make the whole essay more memorable.

Dissertations / I need help to write a proposal for a dissertation on promotion [5]


Hi Rafia, I'm not sure what you mean. It is going to be a research project, right? Maybe you will use grounded theory and interview some people about political risks.

What do you mean by "political risk?"

Anyway, if you think interviews are okay for use in your project, you should search for information about how to use grounded theory.
Google this: constant comparison, core category, grounded theory

:-) I hope that helps!