Writing Feedback / Video games are harmless fun. Disagree or Agree? [3]

What is the purpose of this writing? Preparing for IELTS or TOEFL? You better mention the purpose in the title itself so that others can provide you with more meaningful and task related feedbacks.


I think you should have more meaningful and interesting sentence to be your hook. I feel this one needs improvement.


Your prompt is pretty straight forward. It's asking you whether you agree or disagree. State your opinion before you conclude your introduction. The reader likes a straight forward approach rather than vague.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 Working hoursare toolong and people don't have time for family [7]


That's ok .... We instruct everybody to follow the rules so that it makes our lives easy to manage the house keeping part ...lol


Try to give more focus to the idea and convey it directly;
Overwork causes many problems.
First of all, family and social life could be negatively affected from thisby this. After a long day of work, maybe individual just wants to have rest and relax and does notit is not easy for one to enjoy the company of their friends as well as family due to fatigue.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1. Chocolate production sequences [3]

Where is the diagram? It is important to upload the diagram if you wish to earn more meaningful comments. Use the feature - "Attach file(s)" in the message block of the screen for uploading your images.

Your writing seem to be ok ... Follow the approach of Introduction + Overview + Detailed paras for this task.

Writing Feedback / Short Description on Myself [2]

My name is Nor Hazlyna Bt Harun.I am 41 years old. I was born on the 25th Feb 1973 at Hospital Sungai Petani Kedah. I am now marries and a mother ofhave 5 kids which are, 3 girls and 2 boys. My husband is Mohammad Ghozali Hassan whichwho is the headHead of ???(write the name of the college) college and also lecturer at PSIS.

Now,I am currently functioning as a lecturer at ICT Department ,Politeknik Tuanku syed Sirajuddin, Perlis Malaysia. I started working at Politeknik onin 1999 at Electrical Department at Politeknik Jitra Kedah. I have anMy experience involve withincludes more than 5 subjects such as Engineering matahematic, instrumentation and Control, Programming Fundamental, Computer Organisation.

Writing Feedback / Children should learn to compete rather than be cooperative. What's your opinion [4]

Child-rearing has always been a topical issues over a long period of time, which is the result of parent's concern for their children.

wrong grammar - "a issues " ... this is wrong!
It should be - "an issue" or "issues"

I also guess that you meant "typical issue" and not "topical issue"


It is always good to be more straight forward and express your own opinion on the issue before concluding the intro. The above sentence only gives a vague feeling to the reader and does not help you add much value to your essay.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS Task 2] Text messages or phone calls; I prefer talking on the phone [3]

Text messages and phone calls are the ways which have changed the way thatpeople choose to keeping inkeeping touch.


Have a better link between these two lines;
Nowadays, people have too many options for communicating with each others. Text messages and phone calls are among the mostly used communication options.

Writing Feedback / Today's charity - support made by wealthy nations must be voluntary [4]

It is always good to mention the purpose of your writing, for example - TOEFL, IELTS, in the title itself for others to provide you with more task related comments and feedbacks. Also, include the full prompt in the post so that we can have a better understanding about what it really requires.

In the eyes of common public opinion, developed industrial countries are supposed toshould help poor countries by sharing their fortunewealth and resources with them.poorer nations.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: procedure of making cement / traffic congestion & air pollution [4]

Have two different threads for each task. By having both in one thread, you would lose your chances of earning more feedbacks and comments on your writing. As per forum rules, each thread should contain one essay.

For the Task 1, which is aimed at assessing your report writing skills, you should adopt a more formal and reporting writing style. Avoid phrases like "To begin with" etc.

Writing Feedback / Ielts taks1: the diagram show how rainwater is reused [4]

Well, this task is meant to evaluate your report writing skills. So, you should adopt a more appropriate writing style for the purpose of reporting facts, trends and other data. When you reporting facts, your writing should be more concise, focused and informal. So avoid phrases like "Firstly, Secondly" etc.

Follow the approach Introduction, Overview and Details :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Music makes our lifes magical and meaningful [7]

I hope you pay more attention to eddies comments. You need to change your approach for this task if you aim at a good score. Follow detailed description eddies has give you as to construct your introduction. It should very clearly introduce the issue to the reader and then include your own opinion on the issue. You can make use of your prompt to a great extent for this task - simply paraphrase your prompt :)

Undergraduate / 'I found someone with shared values and motivation' - Honors College App. Essay [4]

When searching for friends or even a soul mate, I believe onetowe should look for someone that holds true to your same valueswith the same values and interests that we hold.and who always had your best interest at heart

Why did you include the "soul mate"? .... I feel that character really does not fit in here.... That's my personal opinion :)

Writing Feedback / Oil discovery has been most beneficial for people in Iran [6]

My country Iran is one of the most important countrycountries in the Middle East. We play an important role (??? in what? you need to specify) among the Asia'sAsian countries also. Our country Iran ( avoid the repetition of "my country", " our country") is bigquite large in size and haveplays a significant role in the world's oil industry which is essential for the whole world, such as vehicle's food, need for most industries, and more.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2 Working hoursare toolong and people don't have time for family [7]

First, I have an admin request for you - You should have opened this thread in the Writing Feedback forum which is the most appropriate forum for IELTS essays. This essay has been moved from Essays forum to Writing Feedback.

Personally, I tend to think that people spend even moretoo much time at work because ofdue to several reasons.

Undergraduate / This accomplishment of mine really made me get to know myself even more. [3]

Every experience that I have had made me a better person and it helped me know myself even morebetter.


Well... the question is focused on particular experiences or accomplishments that you had in your life that helped the most to define your personality. So I feel it is better if you be more specific on them. The above paragraph is not really answering the prompt as it is too open to include every experience of yours. I think you have elaborated too much on that fact which is actually not what they want to know.

Writing Feedback / TEXT Messages - novelty for us [3]

Well, it is not clear about the purpose of writing this essay. Are you preparing for IELTS or TOEFL? It is good to include the purpose in your title itself and it helps you attract others to provide you comments. Also, they would provide you with more task related comments. The other thing is that you should include your essay prompt on the top of your essay so that we understand better what it really requires from you.

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay on video games - pros and cons [2]

n recent years, video games hashave increased itstheir popularity around the world. This has aroused considerable controversy in society as some people thinksthink video games are harmful while others believe that people can be benefited a lot from video gamesthem. . Personally, I think that the drawbacks of video games totally outweigh their benefits.

Writing Feedback / ielts: the chart gives information about UK travel between 1979 and 1999 [3]


Good advice by tiaDS. This is the approach I too suggest to everybody who prepare for this task. This approach would help you earn a good score at the exam while managing your time effectively for the task. You have to be mindful for both the score and the time management as this task has a major bearing on the time :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS : 'domestic usage for all technology gradually increased' - graph [7]


Well, I think this should be your overview. This is the approach I would like to suggest you for this task;
Introduction (the one you've done is fine )
Overview ( discuss the main trends and observations very briefly to give an overall idea about the graphical presentation - do not give details)
Detailed paras- now discuss trends in detail

Writing Feedback / [IELTS TASK 2] Some sectors request many well-qualified people - career choices for young generation [8]

Some people expect to be an expertexperts in the field of their choice . In my country, several career sectors are predicted to the most popular career preferences for young people in the next five years ago.to come . In my opinion, I believe that economic and technological sectors will be delighted in.

Well, the last part is not at all clear. You need to rephrase :(

Writing Feedback / Imprisonment trend among five different countries - bar graph [5]


This is not a good introduction of the image :( I think you need to pay serious attention to the approach you follow for this task. This is what I suggest;

Introduction - Introduce the graphs or the image
Overview - Write the main trends or observations very briefly to make an overall impression of the image presentation. You should not have any detailed data or statistics here.

Detailed paras - Now discuss the trends or the image with more details

Writing Feedback / Home is good place to learn a lot, however school is the best place to learn. [8]

Well, include your prompt in the post before you start writing your essay. It helps us understand what it really requires form you and align our comments accordingly with the task requirements. Also, is this letter written for practicing for IELTS or TOEFL? You better mention that in the title so that we can give you more meaningful feedbacks. Follow my instructions when you open a fresh thread :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS; all towns and cities to have public spaces [5]


Ok, this is not a bad introduction. However, I would like to suggest the following approach for your intro for this task;
1. Hook - Write an interesting sentence that can catch the reader's attention
2. Background - Introduce the issue to the reader - you can do this by paraphrasing the prompt
3. Your opinion - Express your view very clearly

Letters / 'I have sent you already our photos' - A letter to my father [4]

Ok... anyways, generally you begin your essay by greeting the person and showing more courtesy. So I'd suggest to include a sentence or two like'

Hope you are keeping well / Hope you are keeping in good health


This sentence is too long and also not delivering a clear idea. Break it into a few lines to arrange a better flow for your ideas.


Well.... your ideas are not logically linked. She bought you a phone as she had money and not because you had been a nurse :(

Writing Feedback / [IELTS task2]: some people argue that fashion items cost too much money. [6]


I suggest you to have a more meaningful sentence to open your essay. This should hook your reader towards your writing and therefore it needs to be very interesting.


Actually your prompt is focused more on whether fashion is an important aspect of life or not. You need to argue on this issue from that perspective. If fashion is important in life, then it is fair to spend on it. Otherwise, not :)

Undergraduate / 'What do you want to be when you grow up?' - Yale supplementary essay [3]


What do you want to be in future? For me, I always had one static answer, "a Doctor".
But why?(I feel you should not repeat questions in your response)I'm lucky enough beingBeing born into a family of medical background,As a child I would simply say it was because I wanted to be likeandmy father being my idle and the best inspirationto whom I had looked up to all my life, because I admired the way he put his patients' mind at ease and treated them with his skilfulskillful hands.

Writing Feedback / It is important to respect authority but only if it not violate your own freedom [2]

It is good to know the purpose of writing this essay. Is this for IELTS or TOEFL? Or any other assignment? If you specify the purpose in the title itself then others get a better understanding about the task and provide you with more task related comments.

It is important to respect and revere authority, but only tillto the extent at which authority does not encroach upon your own freedom.


I like if you have a better link between the two sentences. The second one sounds a bit detached from the first.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: permit of women to run career in army must be supported [5]


... I always advise others to use direct speech in writing as it helps you deliver your idea with a better focus and improved clarity.
The perceptions on male and female gender roles in today's world,show a dramatic change compared to the previous eras.


In comparison to the past, women today tend to hold many job responsibilities that were restricted to the males in the past. It is most apparent in modern women's involvement in jobs in the armed forces.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1. Two bars: motivations to study and workers' support [4]

I like the approach you have followed for this task - Intro, Overview, Detailed paras. Let's look at the other areas of this writing :)


This has some issues with regard to clarity. The main reason I see is that you have lengthened this sentence too much. It is just one long sentence. Had you done couple of lines for this overview it would be much more clear and interesting to the reader. So consider rephrasing this line :)

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL essay] Internship prepare students better for their careers [6]


"An" is used only when the next word begins with a vowel. For example - An egg, An experiment, An organization, An apple, An undertaking

Therefore this sentence needs correction.
A professional job
This is my suggestion for this sentence;
Almost every professional job requires university graduates with expertise and skills of its respective field.
Firstly, students will havestand bettermore chances to apply what they have just learned to the real life when doing internship in education program.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2. Where Talent Comes From [9]


Well, I don't find this is an effective hook. Your hook should be more meaningful and related to the issue topic. It should be catchy and interesting too.


This you do not really have to tell the reader. This is exactly what the reader expects you to do.


It is a very common observation that the children who are born to the parents with certain talents in music or sports, tend to follow their parents' foot path and become highly acclaimed in their respective positions.

Writing Feedback / Increasing fuel cost is just a band aid for solving environmental issues [3]


No one can deny that consumption of fuel has contributed largely to the environmental issues we face nowadays.


I feel this sentence provides a better entrance to your essay than the first sentence :)


The demand for fuel kept increasing as the world became more urbanized.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2 : Old home Cares: Who should be responsible ? family or Governmnet [3]

Well.... I think you need to pay more attention to the essay approach which is more appropriate for this task.Your essay needs to have an introduction, body paras (ideally two or three) and a conclusion. In the intro, introduce the issue to the reader and tell them what is your stand on the issue. Then in body paras, give the reasons as to why you hold that stand and support your reasons with specific examples. Then in the conclusion, sum up everything you said previously and reinstate your opinion.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS task2] Job for a few years between school and university [7]

Nowadays, it is popular betweenamong the young people to start working during the gap year between the finish of thehighschool and the beginning of the university.

The main argumentreason in favour of startingdoing a job before starting a university career is that you will earn moneyit will help you earn money and thereby be independent., which let you to get independence. Therefore, you will be able to pay the rent for your house on your own and makealso gain work experiences.experience.

Writing Feedback / Many people believe that formal 'pen and paper' examinations are not the best [5]

Well, open your essay with a more meaningful sentence. The first sentence, which we call the hook, should be able to grab the reader's attention and also it should me more relevant to your topic. This is what I suggest;

Examinations have been the most popular method of assessing people's knowledge in the past.
Now start introducing the background of the issue;
However, some people believe that they are not the best way to assessing the knowledge of individuals.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay - Well qualified graduates without employement [5]


This is not a very clearly presented idea :( You need to have a more interesting statement to open your essay. Your hook should be more interesting, catchy and meaningful.

This is why young persons decide to attend tothe university, or college. Unfortunatelly, many of them face a lots of issues, with one, most difficult for them- unemployement.unemployment.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: 'The apple never falls far from the tree' - Parents should teach children [10]

Well...ideally you should have four paras (or more) for this task that contain the introduction, 2 body paras (minimum - ideally 3) and a conclusion. I think it is better if you pay a little more attention to your essay approach as you need to follow a more appropriate essay structure to earn the best marks within the time given for performing the task. You have to be mindful about the time when you are preparing for this task.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Do guns can really increase the level of violence? [7]


wrong grammar :(
The number of criminals increases rapidly throughout the world.
The number of criminals is increasing rapidly throughout the world.
The number of criminals is on the increase rapidly throughout the world.
On the one hand, I agree that a police holds a responsibility to tackle of violence in the urban or suburban areas using a gun.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Problems and solutions for regional unbalance? [14]


Well... this is your hook which attracts your reader and provides a great entrance to your essay. So, it needs to be more meaningful and relevant to the topic.


You need to improve clarity of this idea. This is my suggestion for you;
We often notice that the people enjoying higher living standards in the urban areas while the people living in remote villages are less privileged in terms of quality of life.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] Competition or co-operation? - 'shaking hands or being up in arms' [2]


Impressive start :)


Here you are narrowing down the topic a little bit. This is what your prompt says;


This does not talk only about educating children. It actually speaks more broadly as to how children should be brought up. It is important to understand the real meaning of your prompt and express it in its real sense.

Writing Feedback / Some Certain jobs are suitable for men/women because of their capabilities [4]

Men and women are contributing into today's world quite almost equally.
My suggestion;
Men and women make almost equal contributions to the today's world.


But, they are different in their physical strengths and capabilities.
Although,intellectually they mightthey do not display much differencesnot be compared ,physically and emotionally they arecan be very different.