Undergraduate / Computer science, Admission to University of Waterloo(AIF)--educational goal [2]


This sentence does not seem to mean anything. I think you should add a few words to this sentence, because it is going to represent the main theme of the essay.

As my father is a programmer, I had many experiences opportunities to assist him in his work.
Those "internships" sparked my passion for computer science, for I realized its great potential to improve our life.---very good!!!

To become a programmer, I plan to get a master degree to get comprehensive knowledge of ------- (name the more specified area). it is okay if you are not sure. Name an area of specialization that interests you.

As a sound foundation of math knowledge is essential to pursue higher level of study, University of Waterloo is my ideal choice for its great emphasize emphasis on math in its curriculum.

Great job!!

Writing Feedback / An education is a life choice - "Educational institutions vs fields of study" [2]

That word who at the end of the first paragraph should be whom.

An institution is just that, an institution -- ran by money, to make money. ---Money is not involved with the definition of "institution." You have to rework this intro if you want it to make sense... what do you really mean to say? A business is for money, but an institution is not necessarily.

An education is a life choice; be it sought by recent high school graduates, or those latter life individuals in the pursuit for fulfillment. Statement of the obvious.

An educational institution's purpose is to educate, not to arbitrarily cast judgment upon individuals who they deem unfit.---not related to any other sentences in the paragraph.

To cast a wide net of un-hasty generalization, no one likes to be told they're not capable of success.---I like this paragraph a lot!

In business, the consumer is always right. So why would an educational institution -- a business -- get granted the right to tell the student -- the consumer -- what's right for them? ----because what is sells is an opportunity to earn credentials, and the value of its product decreases if they do not make you work.

Hindering goals and pursuits of those attending them needn't be a part. ---- I agree with this.

Doing so, is a testament of creative shortsightedness on the educators behalf, and a pitfall for paying students.-----Well, some educator needs to show you where an apostrophe is missing from this sentence. Can you see where one is needed?

To score well, always consider the opposite argument. Spend one paragraph explaining an argument someone might make to show that an institution SHOULD discourage students from doing what they are not likely to succeed at. How would you argue that idea? Make a paragraph about it, and then show that it is not as correct as what YOU are saying.

:-)

Research Papers / Data analyzing essay, out of idea, how to reach the word required? [6]

Begin the essay with "The."
The figure shows...

In general, the sale for each of the items varies with from one month to the next.

We can see that the sale for toys at the...

You can extend it by making comparisons. Any time you write about two of them in relation to one another, you will be able to add an idea. This is the hardest kind of assignment, but I think you did well!!

Graduate / Freedom School Intern Application (the area of youth leadership development) [3]


I like this... it puts me out of myself. I think this is my new favorite phrase. It is like saying it frees me from the limitations of my perspective.


I think so. It shows great enthusiasm. You can strengthen it by citing more theory pertaining to instructional methods. Show that you are "a focused, smart and responsible individual who has the energy and enthusiasm to encourage and engage..."

You should SHOW your readiness by giving a brief discussion about instructional methods or your philosophy of teaching. For example, you can cite the work of an expert teacher after reading an article she wrote.

I think you are doing very well, though.

:-)

Faq, Help / Moderators may only be able to comment... [6]


Thanks, Jojo, I understand! But wouldn't you like to hear what someone thinks after they read your essay? I bet you would not mind hearing from someone who says, "I am not confident yet, but I will tell you the idea I got from your essay."

So, it is not all about making corrections. You can visit a person's essay thread and just tell them about the ideas you got from the essay. Mostly, it is about giving each other encouragement.

Writing Feedback / From Russia To America (a narrative essay) [8]

Well, you have to take the best from each and condense it, refine it. That is how the process usually works for me. What is the best way to express their common theme? Do it if you have the inspiration for it.

:-)

Undergraduate / Cornell - "Finding Nemo among the Stars" (Molecular Biology and Genetics, Astronomy) [9]


Well, excellent. I think you probably have the same policy I have: go with your intuition. I looked at intuitionism on wikipedia, and I think that is the philosophy that resonates most with me. Actually, no matter which philosophy you use to make decisions, you are fundamentally using intuition (i.e. you use intuition to identify the system of philosophy that seems best).

So, use your intuition. And if you are stuck between following your inspiration and following convention... well, you know.

Graduate / "to bring representation of my Filipino culture to OIG" - personal history statement [3]


What does this have to do with the "why" theme? Wrap up the paragraph by adding one more sentence to relate it back to the theme.

Oh, I see that you do make the connection later... when you acknowledge that they seem unrelated but assert that they all involve the why question. But in that sense, you could say the same about every job. I think if you want to be able to make that claim you need one example for each... and not just an example of how it relates to that question (because anything can relate to that question), but actually an example of the thoughts you had in your reflection during those experiences and perhaps how they relate to your current decision and planning.

This sentence seems like 2 jammed into one:
I am pursuing a degree for a specific purpose to move up in my agency of course!
It should be like this:
I am pursuing a degree for a specific purpose: to move up in my agency, of course!

:-)

Writing Feedback / China, TOEFL-iBT integrated writing- Macro Polo [5]

Hello, I don't know what she thinks, but I think it is effective.

However, can you make this part clearer? ----> is of the opinion that actually he did not visit China by offering clues involving three aspects- Mongolian place-names, Chinese culture and ancient recordings. --- "Is" means you are using the verb "to be." But he cannot "be" of an opinion "by offering clues." He can support his opinion by offering clues.

...is supports his opinion that Marco Polo actually did not visit China by offering clues involving three aspects- Mongolian place-names, Chinese culture and ancient recordings.

BTW I think you did a great job of explaining TOEFL.

Poetry / Ultimate freedom; 'Tell me if it isn't true for you?' [6]

Nice! Who was that masked man?

Well, I saw that my friend had, on his bureau, a check written to him and signed by The Universe. It was for $200,000. I asked him, "Did you forge the Universe's signature on this check? And he said yes, but then he said no. He said yes, he signed it, but no, it was not a forgery.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Comic / book / film / theater / radio / TV - the most effective media communication? [2]

This is hard to read, because you did not always capitalize the first word of sentences.

From the first days of civilization, human beings have been trying to find a way for a better communication.

In the first half of the century, people did not have facilities like TV, so books or theater were more interesting to people, while only a small proportion of people in a society were able to get news by reading papers.

Watching theatre, exactly like today, was just a hobby for a wealthy family.

Most ordinary people cannot afford that.

And in addition, it is a social activity. On the other hand, reading a books is not expensive and also books gives you more freedom to receive information whenever, wherever you are able to read.

Unfortunately a research study was done in developing countries and revealed that ability to write and read is diminished close to 30 percent gradually, as it gradually decreases in the years after graduation. ----I don't know if I fixed this sentence correctly...

As a conclusion, I hold the point of view that television is the most popular and common way of spreading information. Also, television has the most powerful media to affect public behavior.

:-) Practice these sentences the way I typed them. Type them lots of times for practice! :-)

Graduate / "Drill and Blast" - admission in Master of Science in Applied Earth Sciences [5]

Simplify here:
I am writing to you to submit an application of admission for the because of my interest in the ...

Well, now I am not sure. I thought my suggestion would be an improvement, but maybe it is not!
You have a very nice writing style and should not be embarrassed.

I think you can put all this together as one paragraph:

There are two specializations, which interest me the most: Mining and Mineral Engineering. Specializing in Mining Engineering will provide me a deeper knowledge to ... also get deeper education in the different mining techniques, where I can see which method is the best suitable for the Surinamese mining ground. Second choice of the specialization that I wanted to do is the Mineral Engineering. With regard to Mineral Engineering, I have done a bachelor graduation thesis...

As mentioned before, I had done my graduation thesis was about a mid-scale gravity recoverable gold pilot plant at xxxxx. ----hmmmm. I am still not sure. This sentence is not very clear... maybe because I don't understand the terms!

:-) You are very impressive.

Scholarship / (a degree in actuarial science) - Short answer-volunteer work description [3]


The idea...------> was

So, this is like the theme for the essay: I believed that in order to be successful, one must be able to show that they are academically strong, as well as provide evidence of leadership, teamwork, and motivation.

And I like this sentence at the end: degree in actuarial science would be the ideal hybrid since it would incorporate my entrepreneurship and leadership with my aptitude for the application of mathematics to help shape the economy, and the lives of thousands.--Very good stuff. These sentences are like the substance of the essay. Make a little enhancement to one of these, and you change the whole essay. This is like the soul of the essay.

Can you make those two sentences more closely related to each other?

Scholarship / "expanding my leadership role" University future contribution& leadership Scholarship [2]

Many people define the term "leadership" in many different ways. ---This does not help. I this not an interesting sentence. You should start the essay with a great sentence that inspires the reader.

Careful here: Through High high school I have gradually ...

contributed to the school, enriching my learning experience. Therefore learning great leadership skills by taking on various tasks and responsibilities and as a student I reflect the school I attend. Ah, this stuff is too simple. You can do better!

I first got a sense of leadership while joining the game programming Club in my first two month of high school. I started out as a member, wanting to contribute to the community. The GPC did so by creating a game, in the hopes of selling it and donating the money made to a charity. --Hey, I think this should be the beginning of th eessay. This is the first interesting part! :-)

alright, I think you should google this: leadership theory
Or this: leadership science

Learn about the theory pertaining to leadership, and it will give you good ideas. I think you can probably get some inspiration from specific leadership concepts.

Book Reports / 1984 Analysis Paper on 3 inherently contradictory Slogans [2]

Each of these slogans are is used (i.e. all are, each is)

These slogans are, war is peace, freedom is slavery, and ignorance is strength. These three slogans are all contradictory too each other---Well, they do not contradict each other. They contradict themselves. They are paradoxical. These are contradictions, like what a Zen master might say, ha ha.. :-)

This is a very difficult topic. I think you should read a lot of analysis other people have written. Read what others have written about these slogans, and contribute something new to the discourse.

Each of these slogans are is used to allow the people to believe that their government is the best government and that there is nothing wrong with what they do. I don't think this is the correct analysis. You should do a lot of reading about the context and background. Good luck with this very difficult assignment!

Writing Feedback / Better documentary tool: Video camera vs written docs [3]

Choose gender-inclusive words:
...how the first men people landed on moon, was recorded ...

Thirdly, video recordings can serve as depositions in a legal proceeding. ---Ha ha, good point. I don't know if this is relevant to the topic of making a documentary, but I guess it could be.

In sum, I agree that video recordings are...---Little weak phrases like that are not helpful.

Well, I think you made a good argument! I agree. The best method is to combine writing and video. :-)
This does not seem like a very interesting topic. It is too obvious. What can anyone say about it? Of course video recording technology is great for documentaries.

Essays / Violence in soccer and hockey - Need advice [3]

You'll have the answers to all your questions when you answer this one: What is your purpose?

If this is just an essay for school, the purpose is to do well in school, and to do well you should pretend the essay is not for school. Pretent it is to express an idea that is important to you.

Why is the violence there at all? Use funny examples.

The thing is... it is always going to be tense and sometimes violent... so... make this a brilliant commentary on human nature. Do you know anyone who would very easily get angry and start a fight? Take inspiration from a real life example. :-)

Writing Feedback / "Dominican Republic and grades" - descriptive essay about a personal experience [3]

Have you had an easy life? Many people would answer "no" to that question, but I would answer "yes."---Nice intro! I added some " marks :-)

In my life I have never heard of anyone ever stumbling on something while sitting down.

And right here you have a verb tense inconsistency: My mom isn't a very forgiving person when it came comes to grades.

Use a comma here: "And don't worry I already told your father about it," she added.

And this needs " marks:
So I said, "okay, I'll go." But really, you should just keep it simple. You do not even need this sentence.

When my father got home it was already dark, and I was really upset.
... and told me, "You know, you remind me of the cows in this certain book." He was laughing. I asked him why, and he responded,"Well, in life ...

Ha ha, it is not nice to call a kid a cow. :-) Just kidding, I think your parents have wisdom.

Undergraduate / Cornell - "Finding Nemo among the Stars" (Molecular Biology and Genetics, Astronomy) [9]

Do you mean the poem? I like it a lot, and I only hope the AO reader is someone who can appreciate poetry. I sort of agree with what Susan said... being unconventional is sometimes not so good when potentially being judged by a conventional thinker. But also, I think the whole process of applying to college is sort of fake... they will accept you or not based on their own agendas. You should just keep being creative and unconventional, and it won't matter who accepts you and who does not. Do one great thing after another, and share your great, artistic spirit. If they don't like your poem, they suck. We like it!

Writing Feedback / Parents can give everything to their children. They understand them more than anyone else does. [5]

Hey, it is true that there are some small errors, but you have to also remember that writing is art. It is always art, even when it is formal. This essay begins with a sentence that really draws my attention into the action of the scene. Chamnanni, the way you wrote, "..this fellow is teaching us about..." makes me suddenly identify with the narrator.

You can google around about indentifying with the narrator to see what I mean. And do not be discouraged about the mistakes! You are a naturally talented writer, I think. :-)

Undergraduate / 'economic and business world' How AUBG education will broaden your global perspective [3]

I don't think "daily acquainted" really works.

Living in today's world we are daily acquainted exposed to global views, events which ...

That said I believe that having a global

Growing up, I joined a few Non Governmental Organizations (NGOs). As an avid reader, while growing up I was had been a very shy person, and volunteering help me be more outgoing. I helped to

... as a well-rou nded professional with an international experience.

I think you did a great job with this and expressed your seriousness as a student. You should PROVE that you are an avid reader by sharing your opinions and ideas about some of the most recent books and articles in your field. :-)

Graduate / Statement of Goals advice for dual degree program in Energy Economics & Petroleum Man [4]

I can't find much room for improvement in this very professionally written essay. The place I would focus to improve it is here:
The story. It leaves me wanting to know how you came to zero in on this specific interest. Here, for example:
...specifically on evaluating green fields for development. CSM's dual degree program offers the most effective route to prepare me for a consulting position with an O&G specialization.-------this makes me want to know how you developed this interest. Readers really are affected by a story. If you impress them with this specific interest and then tell them how it developed, they will really become a fan of you, inspired by you.

I don't see any errors to correct!

Something I often recommend, and this comes to mind here, is to cite some recent books, articles, presentations, etc. Show the reader that you are diving into your areas of interest and catching up with all the expertise enjoyed by people in that field. Show that you are intellectually jumping right into the game by reading all relevant literature in the professional journals.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Hero paper.. "Sometimes even our heroes get hurt" [4]


This sentence does not seem like it really captures the heroism. I think you can dig a little deeper and express the concept to which you are referring.

Also, why the big build up before giving your main idea? I don't know if it is necessary to write so much about what it means to be a hero. Your essay is about a particular phenomenon: your b/f's heroism. Capture that unique thing instead of pontificating about what it means to be a hero.

Try to capture your concept in a single sentence.
:-)

Essays / Writing a monologue to a teacher - ideas for 12th grade [6]

A monologue is a speech. That's all. It is almost like an essay. Start with a succinct expression of your main message.

Then, give many examples and points to support what you are saying.

At the end, say the main idea again.

This is a great process for expressing a deep insight about something you care about,.

Does that help!?

:-)

Undergraduate / UNITED AIRLINES EMPLOYEES DEPENDENTS on educational and career goals & objectives [2]

Our bodies are the perfect science, each all working in sync towards a common goal in supreme performance. I have been am driven further the growth of my goals on being a sports psychologist. say something specifric, simple, and clear.

By pursuing this I will be involving myself to explore in different multiple fields of experience, enabling me to assist and helping others to communicate and engage in activities.

Excellent. It might be good to mention relevant current events or recent books or research articles you have been reading. Also, separate it into 2 paragraphs so it is easier to read. :-)

Writing Feedback / Role of biomedical research play in your future. [2]

"Take an aspirin to alleviate your fever," said my worried mother after she felt my forehead with her palm.

I have always been fond of ...

The answer to the question, "Why do certain drugs only inhibit this specific enzyme?" can be ...

left for biomedical researchers to look for. Biomedical researchers, like scientists, do not know the answer to the problem. They formulate hypothesis hypotheses and test them, thus receiving the results.

To think critically and analytically like biomedical researchers can help me succeed in medical school and assessing patients as a physician assistant. --hmmm. I think this is too simplistic. I think you should discuss some specific modern recearch advancements... show that you are already reading a LOT and getting involved with the topics. Show that you are catching up to what is going on in the field.

Overall, learning from a biomedical researcher can promote insights toward the medical field. again, too simplistic. I like a lot of your sentences, but do not talk in such a general way about research. Talk about your specific research interests... you know, the current research that is going on... what interests you? What current research would you like to be involved with?

:-)

Writing Feedback / Women Should not Choose Abortion Persuasive Paragraph [3]

The last sentence of your essay expresses a statistical fact.. so you should cite the source. Oh, nevermind, I see that you already did credit the source... I think you did a great job, and it is so interesting that you made all the arguments that are not about morality. You made a lot of practical arguments. This is a very uniquely valuable essay because of that approach you took.

One way that abortionists have avoided the perforation you mentioned is to do a "partial birth" abortion. They start to bring the baby out feet first, and then they stab it in the base of the skull and scramble the brains. I am not making that up! That was the real procedure.

Scholarship / Presidential Scholars Essay: Losing my best friend. [2]

You did a great job with this. Really, this has a lot of impressive qualities... the sequence you used, the emotional content... it is an essay with real energy.

I know a way to make it better! Make some room at the end of the essay for a few sentences that show that you have been reading a lot about political science. If you discuss some specific issues, such as campaign finance reform or ... anything, really... show them that you have been reading. Show them that you are not just heart but also brains.

Research Papers / Injustice is being unjust to an individual (the Scottsboro case) [2]

Pretty good, Hannah. Let me make a few changes...

Injustice is being unfair to an individual because of their differences, such as their race or society. ---I had to change it, because it is redundant to say "injustice is to be unjust..."

People are unjust or unfair to others often because they are different then they are and don't accept them as an individual .

One can tell when someone is being unjust when they do not treat them someone who is different the same as way they would of someone their own race or religion or even sex.

That is a good example! Sometimes you made the same point more than once, but the way you write is very clear.

Scholarship / Broward's Summer Study Abroad Program - Scholarship paper to go Abroad [2]


redundant
I think you mean to say you want to see the actual things, rather than pictures on the Internet.

Hey, I am always impressed when I see Jennifer's posts!

This is a very strong essay, Belle. I wonder if you can think of one word that captures the theme. What is one word, a concept, that you would use to represent the truth of this essay. Can you think of such a concept? It is the tool for making the reader remember and reflect.

:-)

Introduce that term/word somewhere, and make it memorable. Let the reader know that the truth of the essay is represented by this overarching concept.

Writing Feedback / IELTS-visitor/host? who should adapt for cultural differences [10]

Thanks Ajit, and I need your advice, too. Please tell us about the test and about what you wrote and what points were deducted for. I often am asked for advice, but I have never taken the test! So... if you have time, please START A THREAD sometime about this experience.

Undergraduate / UT Austin College Essay - Destructive Factionalism in American Politics [5]

No need to start with a comment on what people are likely to be able to tell you. That does not help. You are trying to make a point about the destruction, so focus on that.

Welcome to essayforum, by the way. It is cool that you watch the news and are aware of the political issues. Maybe the shooting in Tucson is at the origin of this... it sparked national debate about "vitriole" in politics. Did I even spell that correctly? ha ha...

Anyway, your topic is going to be interesting o the reader, because it is timely.

Don't say more clear. Say clearer.

The lack of unity may have some benefits, but ultimately it is a seriously problem which needs to be faced. Political parties are able to simplify legislation. However, that is both a blessing and a curse. In experience, parties promote class warfare, which is--Right here, you get in over your head. Class warfare might not be exactly what you think it is. You tried to tackle too much all at once here. Only write about what you know well. That is always the rule. Stay focused on a particular concept, a particular message. One message expressed powerfully as an essay. It could be a single sentence, but it is expressed in a whole essay. Not many ideas, but one big idea.

:-)


Spin is natural. I even put a spin on what I write here, because I have opinions. But then there are the news sources that are influenced inappropriately. The thing is, in America there are some people who are so ridiculously rich that they can control anything they want. There is a saying, "Everyone has a price." That means if some people get rich enough they can control anything they want. When that happens, we no longer have a democracy. I'm not being hyperbolic. We really no longer have a democracy, because when someone can do something he will do something, and we have some very rich people who can do a lot of things. They are in control now.

Research Papers / Starting a Global Warming Research Paper. Is it a hoax or the reality? [3]

Forget the title. Also, don't listen to Rich.

When I say forget the title. I mean do no think of it until the very end of your work today.

Right now, search your school database for some great articles. Come to your own conclusions.

It is true that global warming would be happening with or without human activity, because it is natural. Yet, like any system with a lot of energy in it, the system in question is very volatile. That means that, like touching a coin as it spins, you can cause a big change with a small action.

Since the start of the industrial rev. carbon dioxide concentration in the atmosphere is up 35%, nitrous oxide, 15% and methane has doubled. Any fifth grade science experiment can show you that adding more concentration of these to a greenhouse increases temperature even as the heat source remains constant.

The bottom line is that we are increasing the speed of warming, and that is scary because we know that many "positive feedback" mechanisms are in place. That means that even though warming is natural, emissions that trap heat and increase the speed of warming have the potential to create a bigger consequence than we might expect.

On one hand, you have95% of the scientific community agreeing that we need clean energy technology, and on the other hand you have Glen Beck and Rich Monte denying that it is a problem.

But Noam Chomsky, the most celebrated and cited scholar of the 20th century, made this remark (I'm paraphrasing): Consider the cost-benefit aspect... if the scientists are right, we might be making it so that humanity might destroy EVERYTHING we have by increasing the speed of warming. If Rush Limbaugh is right, all it means is that we did not really need to do all the clean energy stuff because of warmng -- but we do need to do the clean energy stuff anyway because we are going to run out of fossil fuels.

So maybe to someone like Rich it seems like a simple issue, but scholars know that complex issues require more analysis than one can accomplish during an episode of the Glen Beck show.

Anyway, here is some help. Search your library database (get a questia membership if you do not have a good school library database) for these terms:

"positive feedback" global warming
global warming controversy
"climate change" arguments

Search youtube for this: chomsky global warming
and also this: global warming experiment
You CAN skim the intro and conclusion of 5 or 6 articles today, and you CAN write a few sentences about the ideas you get. When you get an idea, write a paragraph to explain it. Maybe cite an article or quote it. No big deal. This is only a draft.

Writing Feedback / Toefl : Teachers should not make their social or political view known to students.. [5]

Hello Rich, what are you doing here? I thought I suspended your membership several months ago when you made a lot of cruel and stupid remarks. I'll give you another chance to participate, but from now on I require you to give some WRITING HELP every time you want to blabber about your political views, etc.

In this thread, I happen to agree with you. Yet, when a person is preparing for TOEFL is means that learning English is the focus. This student does NOT have problems with logical thinking. This student is expressing something about the importance of objectivity.

SO33591 I clicked over to your thread because I saw that you were helping a lot of people. Thank you!

Because If a student and teacher hold different views toward a policy, they may end up with fight.
That is true. And it is not fair that the teacher has an advantage because of being an authority figure. Good teachers know that they should facilitate the student's process of coming to his own conclusions.

Based on this situation, the student may dislike the teacher and won't pay attention to what the teacher teach in class. ---Another very good point.

So, making political views known to student will lower the student's motive for learning.---Can you see what is wrong with this sentence? You need to put an s at the end of student. ...known to students will...

Second, it is not proper for teachers discussing to discuss their views.

Essays / Topic Outline and Thesis Statement Guide for Capital Punishment. [11]

Hi Chelsea,

You should tell us a little more than that! The idea is to try something and then get help to overcome difficulty.

But if you really feel overwhelmed about getting started, use my strategy: Find one great article that you can enjoy. I have one for you:

Steiker. No, capital punishment is not morally required.
And another: Sunstein and Vermeule. Is capital punishment morally required?

Steiker's article is a response to Sunstein's You will really like them! Focus only on the intro and conclusion, and you will understand the main idea.

After reading Sunstein and Vermeule twice, write a few paragraphs about it. Then, read Steiker twice. Writing this kind of paper is like coping with a death in the family: you have to do one thing at a time, or you feel overwhelmed.

Writing Feedback / large amount of money or earn comfortable living [3]

Whenever you put "too" at the end of a sentence, you can use a comma:
It has been said about money that " money is not everything, but it is something.", and I believe that, too. -----But what about the first part of this sentence? I see that you have a period and a " after the word "something," and that is correct, but THEN you put a comma after that. You should never have a comma after a period.

Examples:
It has been said that, "Money is not everything," and I believe that...
It has been said that, "Money is not everything." I believe that...

Why did I take out the word "and" in the second one? It is because I used a period and ended the sentence.

Why did I capitalize Money? It is because the sentence in quotation marks is a complete sentence.

But the question that arises here is whether to make money is the only objective of life, and I feel the answer to that question is "no."

Life is too small fleeting and too...

You can say "In spite of" or you can just say "despite." They mean the same thing. I personally always use "despite."

Despite having all the ...

...better to earn and get feel satisfied with an amount of money which gives you a comfortable life rather than a large sum of money that you can only earn by sacrificing the more important things.

I saw some encouraging words that you sent for us! Thanks for the kind words and for your participation. I hope you let us know about the result of your exam. Also, if you write an essay about the exam, and give some tips for people, I bet it will help a lot of essayists who are taking the same exam.

Please visit essayforum.com/ef-contributor-page/

:-)

Graduate / Reasons for applying Master of Science (MSc) programme in the Pharmaceutical Sciences [3]

The whole first paragraph should be cut. It has many errors, and it only says two simple things: I am interested in drug delivery, and I like the structure of your program.

The second reason is, this programme is offered by distinguished Faculty of Pharmaceutical Science, University of Copenhagen which is one of the members in the ULLA consortium. Do not tell them what they already know.

Oh, I like the ending very much. You did a good job with that. But when you revise the first half of the essay, you should focus on telling them about YOUR plans and goals. What are your research interests? I mean, what specialization do you want to have? Tell them about a plan for the next 10 years of your life, and show them why this program is better for your plan than ANY OTHER PROGRAM.

:-)

Graduate / "To positively affect the lives" - Speech Language Pathology personal [3]

Start with a sentence that is SO interesting that any reader will snap to attention. Then cross this out...Pursuing my Bachelor's in Queens College, I understood the importance of further education; which inspired me to apply to t The Communication Sciences and Disorders graduate program at Saint John's is has a unique educational focus on ...

My education, life experiences and volunteer work illustrate my hard work, motivation, and leadership skills, which guarantee my success in your program. This sentence does not help. It is just generic stuff to say in an essay like this. I think you should replace it with a sentence about one CONCEPT or THEME that the reader will remember after reading the essay. What is the concept that expresses your philosophy about this?

... inspirational reward which reinforced... are some words missing here?

Get more specific about your philosophy and goals, if possible. I think this is looking solid, though!

Graduate / "the IT industry" - SOP for Information Systems and Management [6]

I think you meant to say striving, not thriving.
...thriving striving to be one of the finest business professionals in the industry. I believe t The key fundamentals needed to excel in this competitive market place are...

My four-year, undergraduate course in Electronics and Communication Engineering from ...

After having done a research on my various options, going through studying your website, and consultation from consulting my supervisors, I found out find that the postgraduate course at your ...

Every time you write anything, you should have ONE BIG IDEA. Stay focused. Express your big idea at the end of the first paragraph, and then make sure every other paragraph is related to it. Do not start randomly talking about extracurriculars in the middle of the essay. You CAN talk about them, but only to give examples of how you apply the principles associated with your BIG IDEA even when doing them.

Do you know what I mean? Make it so that every paragraph supports the big idea at the end of the first paragraph.

:-) You are very impressive because of the professional approach you took here!

Dissertations / Need help on security issues on cloud computing research topic [25]

Hello Friend, I cannot help with your specific topic, because it is unfamiliar to me, but I do know the rule for coming up with a problem statement: You need to read 10 recent articles about these topics and pay careful attention to their literature reviews. You really need to find the MOST recent articles, because each of them will have a lit review that BRINGS YOU UP TO DATE with what is going on in the field.

Your job is to see what "state" this field is in. Do you know what I mean? You need to see what all previous research had amounted to. If you look at what articles have been written in professional journals in recent years, about these topics, you will see examples of good problem statements/topics.

So... your only method for figuring this out is to read the abstracts and lit reviews of many recent articles. Search your school database for the words educational data mining and cloud computing AND the words literature review.

:-) Good luck, I wish you a lot of success!