Undergraduate / ''Why did they make you our teacher, you are a kid yourself ''; Extra-curricular activity [2]



This is a very good suggestion by jfang. I think his suggestion would help you get a more creative presentation to your response.


... don't have numbers in essay writing unless it is a date.


I too don't understand what you try to mean by saying "how true I was" ... is it you are trying to justify your feelings for them?

Undergraduate / You sound terrible!; My Song Parodies: UVA Quirk [3]


Whenever I'm tired, stressed, feeling anxious or dull, I simply create a song parody to fit my emotions of the moment.


.... I am suggesting you a bit different presentation for this idea;
Doing this allows me to rejuvenate my energy and achieve peace in mind to face any challenge in life.

Undergraduate / 'Topic done to death' - UC / personal quality [3]

Therefore, the majority of the task willingly fell toon me
Well, throughout the response I had this one big concern.... Is this response describing you as a good team player? Being responsible and shouldering the burden are all good. But team spirit too is very important for college life. I feel you should consider this fact and change its tone to give the feeling that you did all that not to let down your team. Otherwise it looks like you grabbed all the responsibility to shine against others.

Undergraduate / University of Michigan: Supplementary essay- Finding a new home within my soccer team [7]

This is a very good response. You open your character too through this response. :)
I guess you are 46 words extra. This is some suggestions to keep it within the limit;


I've played soccer on the same premier club team since 5th grade,but never felt fitting in it.


It wan't their fault; I simply was a shy kid at the time.


... I feel this is too much detailed here. You already told the reader about your introvert character and therefore you can save some words here.

I became much more outgoing during high school although I still had to struggle to recover from my former introvert character.

Undergraduate / Moved from Thailand to America/ Technology ;"Bump in the road"/ Why UCF? [3]


...
Well.... you say you moved to the US when you were four and you had to leave your family behind. Do you mean that your parents didn't move into the States with you? Were you adopted by somebody? Or you mean that you left behind your extended family? That part is not very clear and you need to clarify.

In my view, moving to America is not the actual bump, but the situations you had to face without the support of the family. I feel you better present it that way.

Writing Feedback / The new forms of communication have positive effects on interpersonal relationships. [3]


This has a grammar issues;
Some people might argue that telephones and e-mails make people have less interactions with loved ones.

Writing Feedback / Government officials should rely on their own judgment or not? [4]

I have a couple of admin requests for you :D
First, mention the purpose of this writing in your topic (is it for IELTS? TOEFL? ) Second, insert your prompt in the essay so that we know how to align our comments with what your prompt requests.


This sentence is too long for a hook which can grab the reader's attention.

Undergraduate / Kindness is by far the best quality ;FSU/leadership, learning, service& global awareness [3]


Nobody wants to be in an environment which is not accommodating and hostile .


.... the second part sounds confusing and I feel it is understood better with the first part only.


I have plenty of experience with hostile environments.


Some of them were very warm and friendly, other were pretty cold and unfriendly.

Essays / Human rights law Essay help with title [8]


I guess your prompt is about how you could contribute back to your country with the knowledge and experience you gain out of this scholarship. So you need to deal with the current context of your country and how you can make use of your newly acquired knowledge to give back to your country. Do a little bit of brainstoring and come up with a catchy idea.

Writing Feedback / "Boarding school is beneficial for student". Illustrate your point of view. [8]


Student resides / Students reside
This sentence has a few issues. First it is grammatically not correct. Second it is out of topic and does not have any relevance to your topic. What is suggested by your topic is whether boarding school is better for a student and do not divert your focus from that. Also, in a boarding school, the students may or may not be under the teacher's supervision.


people tell / he tells (people is a plural word and therefore no "s" in th verb)

Undergraduate / I have the ability to help others; UNNOTICED [2]


By any chance, are you applying for a computer degree? If so, this statement might be unfavorable for you as it gives the impression that you are not particularly attached to this field.


This is how I suggest;
In the eyes of many people, I am a computer professional who spends most of the time with machines. However, what they do not know about me is that I have a great desire and ability for helping others to express themselves.

Undergraduate / Alice's Adventures in Wonderland! Essay for Fashion Institute of Technology's FMM program [4]

I realized that fashion is the strongest method that I could become anyonethe one I always wanted to be and enter the dreamy forest anytime I wanted.


.... this is your belief about fashion ans therefore keep the sentence in present tense;
I believe that fashion is not only about glamour, show and trend, but it is also what people desire to wear in their day to day life.


My heart started beating fast with full of passion and excitement.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Humans responsibility to prevent lesser-known languages from dying out [4]


This sentence is too long and therefore less interesting for the reader. Also, you get carried away and have the tendency to make mistakes when your sentences are too long.

Undergraduate / 'the right choice' What in particular about Yale has influenced your decision to apply? [3]


This is not a positive note to start... The admission guys may not find this is very pleasing. You need to show that you have a vision and when you say that you don't have a particular goal, that may be very disadvantageous for you.


You should have started with this.


Knight14 is right. Skim the most essential and present them in your response.

Undergraduate / New York was a part of my life; Columbia U - most appealling about Columbia [3]

Well.... this is good writing indeed. However, your prompt asks you what is the most appealing thing about Colombia. You start off with its location, New York and we get the impression that you love its location the most. Then you say;


If this is what that appeals you the most, then you should have started off with this idea.

Undergraduate / "Make no small plans for they have no power to stir the sOUL" - FUTRUE PLANS- [3]


... re-evaluated

The overwhelming satisfaction I got the first time when I changed a defective RAM in an old computer at home at the age of 12, practically defined my career plan and ambitions.


This is the paragraph you actually answer the prompt. I think it is good if you can be little more descriptive about your short term and long term goals. For example, tell why you particularly like that job etc.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; FOOD PREPARATION IS EASIER TODAY COMPARED TO PREVIOUS ERAS [3]

The twentieth century has brought with it many advances especially in the terms of food preparation


Food preparation methods have become easier and faster with many technologically advanced cooking appliances as well as food processing methods.

Undergraduate / How does it know what I'm looking for?; extracurricular activities / COMMON APP [5]


As a baffled twelve-year old
Well.... is this the response for your extracurricular activity?
If it is so, I think this is not really fitting into that as it does not talk about a specific activity or work experience. However, for the second prompt, which is


the response seems to be fitting well :)

Writing Feedback / [IETLS] TV advertising is bad - Agree or Disagree? [7]

Good introduction :)
For this task, you need to include specific examples to support your reasons that you use to justify your opinion. I don't find them here.

Undergraduate / Engineering project / Happiness word - University of Virginia short essays [3]


If I am provided with funding for a small engineering project ... this is what your prompt suggests
The answer for the first question is very interesting... I enjoyed reading it :)


..., but his positive mindset gets him to look at the brighter side of every challenge.
Both are good responses. You have very good ideas :)

Scholarship / My lifetime goal is to become a Registered Nurse--grammar essay check [3]

EveryEver since I was 18 I've been working in the health care field as a Home Health Aide and at the age of 20 I've been working as a Certified Nurse Assistant.

I think you need to arrange these sentences in a more logical order. Start with how passionate you are about this field. Then say how you pursued it and what credentials or experiences you have achieved in this direction. Then tell what your future plans are.

Letters / Letter inviting a company to open one of their branches in my country [5]

First, you should have included the question or the prompt together with your writing so that others would not have raised those concerns above because they would be clear about what your question expects the answer to be. So, make sure you always include the question/ prompt.


I don't understand your first question :)
Is this for IELTS? Then you need to follow the specific structure to earn marks.

Undergraduate / I am not exactly the definition of diverse; CU BOULDER / DIVERSITY [2]


This is all very beautiful and so true. But I think these are known facts and the admission panel may be more interested in knowing about your contribution to enrich their diverse community. Therefore I feel it is good to shorten this part and quickly start introducing yourself. I don't suggest you to remove it completely as it has a relevance to the rest of the response. I enjoyed your response, it is written very well :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: EDUCATING CHILDREN TO BEHAVE, PARENTS OR SCHOOLS AND GOVERNMENTS ? [4]


This is your hook. It should be powerful in grabbing other's attention as well as it should have a good alignment with the prompt.

Obviously, the young generation is the future of this world and therefore it is very important that they become responsible citizens in society.


Now your task is to introduce the background of the issue. This sentence is pretty complicated and does not do the job properly. In other words it needs lots of improvement with regard to clarity.

Some people argue that making children good citizens in society is the sole responsibility of the parents. However, some others hold the view that it is the responsibility of the school.

Writing Feedback / The best teacher is one who is very knowledgeable about the subject matter [4]


What is more important? knowledge or teacher's attitude? This sentence is cramped up with so many ideas and you have several grammar errors there too. Try to construct shorter sentences Have one idea per one sentence. That helps you to come up with more clear and interesting sentences which also have more accuracy with grammar.


"not" and "can't" together gives the sense that these teacher can transmit information.

Undergraduate / Brookfield Regency for Senior Living; RICE supp/ extracurricular activities [2]


The summer of freshman year, I made new friends who taught me a lot during a very short time at the Brookfield Regency for Senior Living.


On the first day of my volunteering there, the assistant living coordinator announced the day's special event, which was Baking, and challenged every one of us to make the best peach bread we could.


what does this mean? not very clear :(


... walkers?

Writing Feedback / IELTS task 2: STUDYING OVERSEAS OR STAYING HOME [6]


Your introduction follows the desired structure. However, you need to improve the presentation of your ideas. Your sentences seem to be unnecessarily crowded with too many words. I found Pahan too has commented on this point. That is very true and what is more important is the clarity. Let's take this line for example;


This is actually a very simple idea, but you take the reader through a riddle to understand it. Having too many synonyms or advance vocabulary is not what makes your writing interesting. It is how interestingly you present your idea. When the reader has to spend time in understanding what you have written he would be bored and lose his interest in following your writing.

Undergraduate / "If I were a rich man" ; UC - world you come from [3]


you moved where? why? You cannot assume the reader knows these things.
Well... I find your response pretty disorganized. You need to arrange your ideas to flow more logically. They are now scattered sporadically.
First decide on the main idea you need to tell them. Is it your parents' divorce? or the hardships thereafter? Whatever it is, you need to first arrange your ideas in their priority order and then present. I think you need to re-do this response.

Undergraduate / Study Abroad program ; BOSTON UNIVERSITY is a good fit [3]


BU's College of Communication caught my attention instantly.


I found it as a place where I'll be exposed to a multi-faceted education, especially one that encompasses a passionate environment among students and teachers.


Further, I am very interested in it "Study Abroad" program and believe it is an ideal opportunity for the students to broaden their perspectives and exposure.

Writing Feedback / The past 20 years have seen a considerable increase of international tourism. [9]


I think you have got confused with my comment. What I meant was in essays it is always good to write numbers using letters and not numeric figures. For example;


The past twenty years have shown a considerable growth in international tourism.
Hope you are clear now :) ... Also in the right hand side at the bottom of every post by others you get the hand sign with "Like this post". Click on the hand if you wish to like a particular post. :D

For me or Pahan, it does not matter a lot because both of us do not have very many threads opened by us expecting feedbacks. But for other users they mean a lot, especially for things like closing threads, having their threads as Featured etc. :D

So, if you like a comment given to you by another person, it is good to like the post! :)

Undergraduate / Course shopping / Criminal Justice Center - Yale College Freshman Admissions [3]


I like if you mentioned a few particular points about that presentation that caught your attention. Also, try to discuss about your goals and how you find them aligned with what Yale offers. Actually, that is the most important aspect of the decision on admission to a university. After all, you need to reach your goals with the help of the uni. So you better include that idea in this first response.


Well... I think you need to improve clarity and presentation of these two sentences. They don't seem to be flowing smoothly. Rather, these sentences seem to be a bit crowded with too many words. I grasped the ideas when I read it for the second time.


.... What did you mean by "any familiar faces"? is it that you didn't have any other familiar faces in the jury? or the people there behaved more officially ?

I feel your first paragraph needs some improvement with regard to its presentation. Certain parts seem to be too much detailed and I wonder all that detail really contribute to your main theme.

The rest seems to be good... it is the first paragraph I am a bit confused about :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Foreign languages should be instructed in kindergarten [6]

Well... I can see you have excellent writing skills . However, it is better to pay more attention to the essay structure to make sure you earn the highest possible scores for this task. In your body paragraphs, you should provide more specific examples.

Writing Feedback / 'Children tend to imitate parents behavior'; Children - good members of society [3]



... react? ... your topic is about teaching children and not reacting at them. You need to align your writing more with the prompt!


I personally believe it the duty of both parents and schools to teach children to be good members of society.
Pay more attention to vocabulary too. Do not use synonyms if you are not sure of their usage. They may create a very different feeling to the reader if used inappropriately.

Undergraduate / I am different; Where do i feel perfectly content [3]


.... Very good idea and it's a very logical explanation too. However, I like if you presented this with more simple sentences because I find some repetitions in this part. This is what I suggest;

For many people, the place that they can be perfectly content needs to be calm, quiet and serene. However, I am different and this place is the Rainbowland Nursery / Preschool where I get surrounded by many noisy kids. To me, it is not the state of peacefulness in mind that makes me contented. It is the place where I can fill myself with joy and happiness.

Undergraduate / Boston University offers everything I look for in a school; Why Boston University? [2]


I like if you started with this point. With this you can get a clear entrance as to what you intend to do in the future. Then you can show them how your objectives can be met with what is offered at the Boston U.


Well.... it is always good to be more precise in telling them how exactly Boston U can help you achieve your goals. Go beyond the more obvious statements like;


.... there are many other unis offering finance courses. Tell them how their program is the best fit for you. For that you need to pick a few points and show them how they are aligned with your goals.

Undergraduate / Who was I as a kid?; UF Essay- Concise narrative of a meaningful event [3]


I feel you need to improve the presentation of this idea.... For me it's not to the point. I also don't see the necessity of bringing movies into the seen. What you need to tell is that childhood is generally a happy and cheerful period for many, but it wasn't the case for you. So, take it in a more simple manner that the reader gets your idea. Don't complicate your idea with too many distractions.


When I was a kid my mother always scolded me when I tried to play outside


Instead, I had to be at home watching TV, reading a book or doing my school homework.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Which would you change to improve your health? EXERCISE [3]


... there are so many mistakes in this sentence. They may be typos and minor errors. However, you should make posts with better presentation if you really keen on earning more feedbacks from others. Please make a note of this when you open new threads.


To begin with, regular exercises help burn excess fat in our body that help reduce the possibility of having heart diseases, diabetes, high cholesterol, obesity etc.


You are talking about regular exercises in this body paragraphs. So give examples to support that aspect and do not go out of topic.

Letters / Coverletter for Reasearch associate or technician in neuronscinece [3]


Based on my research experience, skills, commitment and passion for neuroscience, I am confident that I have the potential to make a great contribution to the development of your research studies.



Although I have not received a longer scientific training, I was very enthusiastic and dedicated to the research works in neurodegeneration that I was involved with.

Undergraduate / Criticizing my music is like criticizing my personality; University of Illinois UC [2]


Well... I guess you should have been more specific about this experience. I mean, you should have presented it as an actual personal experience that really annoyed you and then continued to say why you were annoyed. These lines do not refer to any particular person and thereby give a vague feeling to the reader. Tell the reader that you had this encounter with so and so and how you felt about it. Then why you felt so is because you cannot separate yourself from music.

Writing Feedback / Over the past few decades, society has been technologized; political duality of technology [3]


This sentence is too very long :( Therefore the reader needs to memorize lots of its details. You should not give too much work for the reader as he would find it's uninteresting :)

People today have the technology to perform tasks that have previously been thought as impossible to achieve. For example, having voice and video conferences involving several participants from various parts of the world, sending space exploration missions to outer space, getting connected to millions of people via online social networks etc. are some of these tasks that were not even heard of in the past eras.