Writing Feedback / The past 20 years have seen a considerable increase of international tourism. [9]


This introduction is in line with the desired structure for the introduction for this task. However, avoid having numbers in your essay writing.


I don't find much logical explanation here. It is very difficult to understand the reason you are trying to highlight and so does your example too. For this task, it is very important to have clarity in your sentences. You should pay more attention to that.

Undergraduate / I first met John during my sophomore year ; MOST INFLUENTIAL PERSON [3]


I didn't feel him having any potential as a dancer, especially in the ballet world.


Also I didn't feel the possibility of us becoming close friends.


However, as the hours, days and weeks rolled on with close interactions with him, I realized it was a complete misjudgment and he was such an inspiration for me.

Undergraduate / Growing up without a father; Applying EA to MIT: SIGNIFICANT CHALLENGE [5]


.... I agree with jonathachou.


Well... that is a challenge (growing up without a father in the family), but in that case you should have more prominence to that in your response. It goes here and there with very little focus to the main point. For me, even the eczema story doesn't add much value to your response. It is more important to talk about the challenges you faced in absence of your father and not why he didn't stay with you.


Exactly.... I think you need to re-do this.

Writing Feedback / Now, the developing countries are not in the same row as that of developed one [7]

Well... Pahan has given you a suggestion as to how your introduction should be structured. Your first body paragraph seems to be following the right structure, but not the other two.

Graduate / CUSTOMER PERCEPTION; Statement of Purpose - MSc Marketing [7]


... Are you referring to customer perceptions?


I feel you have too much theory here. In the SOP they would want to know your purpose of following this course and you need to give more focus to that aspect. There you need to discuss why you feel it is necessary to follow this course, how it helps you achieve your short and long term goals etc. I think you need to narrow down the scope of this writing to yourself.

Writing Feedback / It's better to live in a small town than a big city [2]


.... Don't use numbers in essay writing unless it is something to do with time or dates.
Also, this is your hook and it needs to be strong enough to catch the reader's attention. This sounds a bit stereotype. Tell something like;

The place we live has a great impact on our lives.


This is not necessary to say. The reader expects it from you.

Writing Feedback / IELTS WRITING TASK 2:boarding schools are getting popular,positive or negative ? [3]

You should have included the prompt with your essay. Then we exactly know what it expects and can provide you with more task relevant comments.


.... I wish your examples are of more specific nature. Also, considering the time factor, I would suggest you to limit one reason per one body paragraph. You need to handle time efficiently for this task :)

Overall,a this is very good writing. If you were able to finish this essay within the allocated time, then you really don't have to worry about this task :)

Undergraduate / COMMON APP - Background/Notre Dame/Something New [3]

I understand you are a newbie. There are few things I need to comment on this post; Always have a meaningful topic in the subject field that can well describe your essay. This helps you get the attention of others and earn more comments. Also, it is better you limit one response (to a prompt) per one thread. That also helps you earn more comments and attention. In this case you should have had three threads for each prompt.

Undergraduate / MAYAN SOCIETY/ I WAS BORN IN CUBA; STANFORD - Intellectual Vitality/ Roommate [4]

Well.... I understand you are a newbie. There are few things you need to follow when you open fresh threads in this forum. Always have a meaningful topic in the subject field that can well describe your essay. This helps you get the attention of others and earn more comments. Also, it is better you limit one response (to a prompt) per one thread. That also helps you earn more comments and attention. In this case you should have had three threads for each prompt.


Well... you literary talk about your past and background, and mostly the serious stuff. :D The relationship you are going to build with the roommate is somewhat more personal. I wish you adopted a more informal approach in the roommate essay in presenting your character to him. :D

Graduate / My academic goal is to achieve my PhD in Psychology; Smith College- Common App [2]


.... What do you mean by "private practice"? Do you mean establishing your own clinic to treat such children? ... If so, I think it is better you tell them the necessity for that .... I mean, how useful such idea to your community or the country. It would carry more weight if you present that idea from that angle.


Through this experience I realized the impact it can have on individuals and their families and it nurtured a passion in me to pursue a career in this field.


what are those academic interests? They would be interested to know them!

Writing Feedback / PRIVATE SCHOOL SHOULD BE BANNED! Ielts task 2 [5]

You should have posted the prompt together with the essay. Then only we can align our comments with what it requires. However, I think you need to pay attention to the essay structure for this task.

Graduate / Life takes different approaches to guide an individual; SOP [2]


Rather than telling life has chosen different approaches to guide people, I feel it is better to tell that people choose different approaches to keep themselves motivated and in your case it the Cartoons.


.... "still" makes "now" redundant


, but now I see this term "evil" in a new light.


It is the harmful acts of deterioration our environment and I want to save the Earth and the people form its ill effects.

Writing Feedback / IELTS;Education should be given priority over recreational and sports activities [3]

First, you should have included the prompt in your essay. Otherwise we do not get an exact idea about what it means. If we know that, we can align our comments with the prompt and therefore you'll get more meaningful comments by others. Also, provide a meaningful topic when you open a new thread and that also may attract others for providing yo uwith theri comments. I have already attended to your prompt to make it more meaningful :D

Writing Feedback / TOEFL ; Who is the Best Teacher ? [4]


.... Here you assume the teacher is always a female :D
.... the one who is capable of explaining the subject in a conceivable manner to his/ her students.


Here you need to talk about non academic stuff. In other words, you mean that a good teacher must influence the character of the student. This idea does not flow well here.


Yes of course :D

Essays / Essay About Introducing my Self - 'Reflections' [9]

Well, as for any other essay, you need to have a basic introduction. There you can tell the your basic profile. For example, tell your name, age, interests, background (student or employment),family etc. All those things you should say very very briefly. Then move into a new paragraphs (body paras) and elaborate on the things you mentioned in the introduction. Give examples wherever possible to make your writing more spicy and interesting :)

Undergraduate / Green Club; Extracurricular Essay -I turned off all the lights [6]


.... :D
Yes ...this is very impressive writing and great comments by jestijest :)


In your previous version you have mentioned how difficult it was for you to win recognition for this activity. I think it is worth mentioning about that fact because it shows that you are a person who's committed to your course. That's a plus for you. However, don't drag that idea for too long :)

Graduate / UNIQUE CHALLENGES; Admission Essay for Occupational Therapy Program [3]


All these sentences revolve around just the same axis which is challenges to face. This makes the reader bored , So avoid repeating the same idea again and again.


Occupational Therapists too face a challenging situation which is turning people who feel despair or hopeless into creative souls with a hope to keep moving.

Writing Feedback / Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?Watching television is bad [4]


This has several mistakes and also not a strong hook that can grab reader's attention.

Undergraduate / I never pictured myself attending high school in Florida; UF Essay- High school journey [3]



My attitude troubled me at the beginning and I struggled to make new friends and adapt to the new environment, which I found too humid.


However, being a hardworking and dedicated student, I didn't want this experience to let my studies go astray.


why was it an eye opening?
Also, I like if you said more about how you turned around and started seeing things in a new light.

Writing Feedback / Music brings joy and emotion to our soul, traditional music should be preserved [2]


This is a good introduction, but I feel that had you changed the order of the sentences, it would have flown better ;
Music is a vital part of people's daily life for several reasons. Nowadays, there are many different types of music ranging from hip-hop to country music. However, I believe that traditional music still plays a more important role in our lives in contrast to the modern music forms.

Writing Feedback / Ielts essay, The Internet has dramatically altered our lives over the past few decades [3]


..."The Internet"
The Internet has revolutionized how people communicate, entertain and receive information.


It has become an integral part of our day to day life.


people find/ man finds ..."people" is a plural word
Also, when you say "even hotter topic", it refers to a comparison. In this sentence there is no such reference to anything compared. This is what I suggest;

However, there whether the Internet brings us more good or bad is a controversial topic.

Writing Feedback / Education plays fundamental role in the growth of a country [7]


I wish this sentence was shorter and had better clarity. It seems to be a bit cramped up with too many words and ideas. You need to open your essay with a strong hook that instantly attracts the reader's attention to your writing.


Don't construct complicated sentences. Present your ideas in a simple, yet interesting way. What the reader wants more is clarity of your sentences.

Writing Feedback / IELTS, Even though developing countries receive financial help, poverty is still an issue [2]

Developed countries are supporting developing countries to fight poor conditionspoverty mainly through financial aid but perceived improvement is not achieved as desired.


... the latter part of the sentence does not support your flow. Rather, your flow breaks there giving a confused feeling to the reader.
It is always good to include your prompt in the essay. Then we know what it exactly requires. Anyway, I feel you should introduce the background of this argument after the hook.

Writing Feedback / IELTS; GRAPH - evolving trend of population aged 65 and over [3]

This is very well written. The structure I generally recommend for this task is ;
Introduction + Overview + Details.
Also, you are required to post these two tasks separately. In fact that would help you earn more comments too. So I have removed the second task from this post and you are required to open a fresh thread for that. You also need to have a meaningful topic for your essays and post IELTS essays to writing feedback forum.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Academic writing: FREE FRESH WATER OR PAID FRESH WATER? [4]


Fresh water is a scarce natural resource which is also very essential for our existence.


.... you need to present this idea with more clarity. Try to re-phrase it.
After the hook (your first sentence) you should quickly introduce your prompt. It is about letting people use fresh water free or having the government to control its usage. Once you introduce this prompt, state your opinion clearly.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Academic essay: Some people believe money is a less important factor than free time [5]


Different individuals have different perceptions about what a good quality life means.


... Actually you need to introduce your topic before expressing any view. Tell the reader what this prompt is about. It is;


Now introduce the topic with your own words;
Some people view that money has very little to do with a quality life and what is more important is that the free time one has got to enjoy life.

Now tell what you think about this idea!

Undergraduate / My dad took me to a beach in Key West ; UF; meaningful event, experience or accomplishment [2]

Well.... I think this first paragraph is a bit overdone. This event is about your decision to learn swimming, isn't it? But you drag a bit too long with one full paragraph to come to the point. I feel that you should not keep the reader in this pending status for that long. You can tell the reader about why this event is so important to your life and how it shaped your character, but you need to reveal what it is without dragging too much.

Essays / Shalom fellow Gideonites. I won't be introducing myself like what the others did [4]


However, the most of the schools start at as early as 7.00 a.m. demanding students to wake up pretty early that makes them feel sleepy, stressed and tired .


This may affect their concentration in classroom work and thereby their academic performance.


... You told this idea already and there's no point in repeating it again.


Schools should pay more attention to this matter if they expect good performance from their students.

Writing Feedback / My cousin [3]

Good editing by Pahan.


.... too many spelling mistakes in this sentence. Pay attention to your spellings.
Also, this sentence is a bit too long. It is good if you split it to two sentences in order to improve its clarity.
She is an intelligent girl, but she is very noisy too. She is an ardent lover of football and I hate this game. I am mad over music while she is not at interested in that. So it is pretty obvious for you that we had very little in common and hardly had a very good time together. I only hope she will be changed when she will visit us next time.

Writing Feedback / People are both alike and different in many ways; COMPARE & CONTRAST - two friends [2]


People are both alike and different at the same time in many ways .


... this supports only the differences. Since you said they have similarities too in the opening line, I feel this sentence is not fitting in here. Take it to the other paragraph when you talk about the differences.


My two friends T J and Kelsy are no exceptions and have many similarities and differences.


They both wear glasses, have brown hair and older siblings.

Undergraduate / I know I am responsible for taking care of my younger siblings; U PENN [4]


My brother, Sebastian nearly died when he was one year .


Sebestian, who is now five years old, developed Hemophagocytic Lymphohistiocytosis(HLH) shortly after his first birthday.
"birthday" is getting repeated in both sentences and therefore I suggested the above change.

Undergraduate / What factors contribute to creation of a good movie? creativity, logic, emotion [5]


Well.... there are so many people who do not like watching movies. So I doubt the justification of this sentence. You can present it in a more acceptable way;

Nowadays, for many people, movies provide a great source of entertainment.


I don't find much meaning in this sentence. You should introduce the topic more strongly.
I have some admin requests for you. This type of essays should be posted to "Writing Feedback" forum. Also, you need to have a more meaningful topic in the subject field. This title is attended by us.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Academic essay: Some people think that we can use as much fresh water as we want. [5]


... universe include other solar system too and we still don't know whether there can be living beings who could survive without water. I guess you meant the "world" we live in.

Water is essential for the existence of all living beings in our planet.


When you say all living creatures, it refers to everybody and therefore this specification, (plant, animals, human beings) sounds a bit redundant.


... first part is fine because you are telling the reader something that you haven't told before. But the latter part is a repetition of the same idea you've been telling in first few sentence. Repetition, be it the words or ideas, makes the reader bored.

Undergraduate / Recession - most difficult things you have ever done or experienced? (BYU app) [3]


You can present this with more feelings and emotions. Then the reader would take more interest in following what you write.
Before the year 2008 we were a happy lucky family. However, things changed all of a sudden with the worst recession that hit million of American lives.

Now tell your story... You need to arrange the flow of your ideas in a more logical order. There are many ideas that get repeated in your response.

Undergraduate / I counted the number of "VT" flags ; TOP 5 REASON I WANT TO GO TO VIRGINIA TECH [3]


Every time I walked in the streets in my neighborhood, I used to count the number "VT" flags and dreamed of studying in this prestige university for several reasons.


The first thing that attracts me to Virginia Tech is the great unity and pride that Hokies possess.


Secondly, I am an ardent lover of football and I can imagine how proud and privileged I would be if I become a Hokie standing at Lane Stadium to cheer its outstanding football team.

Undergraduate / 'My time in highschool' - University of Michigan - Supplemental Essay (#1) [3]


Well.... I think what is most important here is to discuss about the community you belong and your place in it. So, try to have your focus on that and avoid making general statements and theories. The admission panel know most of these stuff and they would not be interested in listening to them. They would want to know about you as a person and therefore your writing should be focused on that matter.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Whether countries have moral obligation to help each other or not ? [3]


What issue? It is your responsibility to introduce the issue. Your essay shouldn't sound like a direct answer to the prompt. It should be a well written essay. I think you need to pay attention to your essay structure.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Which should be the ones to teach children into good citizens? Parents or Schools? [7]

I also feel you need to pay attention to overall essay structure. I don't find specific examples to the reasons you have given in defending your opinion.

Undergraduate / : My life is my chair"; Common APP Q4 - The Internet Is Where Im Content [3]

You should have included the prompt of your question as we don't know what your Q4 is. Do include that next time when you open a fresh thread.

Countless hours spent everyday for the past ten years inon a chair.


This chair is the port to which the person that my loved ones know and that the person whom I strive to become are connected time to time..... I guess this is the idea you try to mean by the above sentence. Hope I am right :D

Undergraduate / COMMUNITY CLINIC; an extracurricular activity that impacted on me [7]


... wrong grammar - "I did not realize " is the right form


I think you should not drag on this idea because it is not the objective of your response. You need to talk about your extracurricular activity more and through that you need to show your skills and capabilities, positive attitude, knowledge you gained and how it helped you grow as a person. It is ok for you to mention that you were not so pleased with the start, but don't invest too many lines for that. Quickly come to the most important parts of your response.