Undergraduate / "I should have considered enrolling at other colleges" - Admissions Essay for UW [3]

The first sentence is not useful in any way.
During the end of March ... the college of LSA! I can't see any purpose for these sentences.

Without sitting down and considering my options, I immediately declined admission from to the other schools to which I had been granted admission too and declared that I would attend the U of M. At that point in my life, I was probably one of the happiest students in the world.--But I still do not see a purpose for this. I think the essay will be much more interesting if you start here:

From the moment I stepped on the University of Michigan campus as a freshman, I knew something was wrong.---Now THAT is an interesting intro.

All my other peers displayed enthusiasm and excitement that I could not. My heart told me immediately that I had made a mistake and should have considered enrolling at other colleges. As I conversed with a counselor and some students at freshman orientation, I knew the U of M was not a perfect fit for me. As time went on, I simply could not adjust to the surrounding environment like my peers did. I grew had grown up with all my friends and family in the Seattle area, and it was

Recently, I have developed an interest towards psychology and business. ---This is the important part! Do you see how I keep cutting sentences? It is because you are including sentences that do not help. But if you include more sentences about your interest, intentions, and plan, THAT will help a lot. Show that you have a plan.

Ann Arbor environment. --Wow, that is where it is, huh? To tell you the truth, I had trouble adjusting to that environment, too, when I had an apartment in Charlevoix. I don't like it!

Well, you certainly showed that you can write well. Now show that you are reading books and articles about psych and business. Show that you are being proactive. :-)

Writing Feedback / Movies are popular all over the world. Explain why movies are so popular. [2]

The first sentence does not carry a lot of meaning. It will be a stronger start if you revise that sentence to make a meaningful observation.

Frist First of all, movies are often well (maded???). Oh, you meant to say well-made.

Use a spell checker: prefection.
Spell checker! --> Tatanic
becasue ...garanteed.-----Correct the spelling of all these words.

Secondly, movies u
...talk, it can often easily come in to people's heart. As people would easily feel like themself they were the protagonist in the movies, experiencing the story by themself. stories vicariously.

Spelling: additon
Capitalize Hollywood.

:-) Welcome to EssayForum! Please correct those errors and type the essay again below, in a new post. That is how to practice and improve! :-) We will look to see if you still have errors.

Writing Feedback / "Who are you?" Lucy asked; Dystopian Short Story [2]

I guess you need to change loud to loudly, because it is an adverb modifying a verb.

Why don't you read me and tell me who I am?" said

It is a loss of the ability to create new memories after an accident that occurred at my univ ersity grad ball." ---This makes it clearer.

There was a general idea that people were not trustworthy anymore, since what we said often didn't match what we were thinking. --- very interesting!!

She seemed hesitated hesitant.

You need a comma in this kind of situation:
"But I can't leave you alone," said Henry. ---if you use "said" like this, use a comma to separate the dialogue.

:-) I enjoyed this! You would like to read Dr. Yang Jwing Ming's discussions of gaining telepathy by re-opening the 3rd eye. He said we closed it in order to be able to deceive each other.

Research Papers / Research about red scare in 1920s, any serious problems in language? [3]


I hope the teacher did not say it in those words. If the teacher used those words on you, you probably should not take him seriously. A good teacher does not talk that way to a student.

The first red scare, which refers to the fear of communism during 1919 to 1921, is a self-directed farce owing to the hyper-patriotism and the misleading of government. ----I added 2 commas and a hyphen. Also, this sentence says the government was being misled. I think you mean to say: ...and the misleading statements by the government.

or
...and the misleading of the people by the government.

... finished the Bolsheviks Revolution and the communism communists overthrew the royalty with bloody murdering. ---I made some small changes to verb tense.

Leading Led by A. Mitchell Palmer, the current attorney general, a campaign against communists, socialists, and aliens was launched. ---I got rid of "along with." It is not good in this sentence.

Okay friend, the verdict is in. Both teachers are right. It is great and also flawed. But you are going to be an excellent writer. I am impressed with your style.

Do not rest until you fully understand the corrections I made here. That is how to be perfect. Let me know if you have a question. Maybe I made a mistake in the way I interpreted your ideas.

Undergraduate / "car accident" Essay for applying at UCF as a transfer [4]

That first sentence is not very interesting.

It was a rainy half-day of school, and the roads were slick. ---I added a comma

My friend, Anthony, was ---Think about the experience you are trying to give the reader. Is it necessary to give the name of the friend? I think maybe not.

Use a comma for any compound sentence: The ambulance arrived, and ...

Wow, that must have been a crazy experience!!

You write very clearly, but you can add more action verbs and imagery words to intensify the reader's experience :-)

Writing Feedback / How is the social or sociable constructed at the site of commerce? [2]

"For example" is strange there, at the start. Maybe this is not the beginning of the paper?

A social atmosphere is constructed, for example, at a site of commerce ...

... and buy and sell goods, but at the ...---adding comma

same time learn about different their cultures and form some sort of relations to one another, either bad or good. -----adding commas...

For example in, "Spectator no. 69," by Joseph Addison he writes about how at this site there are is social intermingling between different nations that are trying to sell and trade goods, and ...

I think your sentences are too long! Long sentences are hard to read. :-)

Your MLA looks good!

Undergraduate / What is your contribution to your community and why would you require financial aid ? [4]

Don't say strongly. It is a weak way to emphasize.. it is better to SHOW how strongly with example than to use that nasty little adverb. :-)

What I strongly wish to contribute to the community is the attempt to make a significant change in this world; This uses a lot of words but does not really say anything.

I wish to wipe out the dominant evil which has been the reason for human decline and establish peace. ---This sentence is a little better, but it still does not really say anything. You need to tell the reader what you are all about.

I certainly know that the road to making this come true is full of prickly thorns but if every individual does not realize how vital this issue is, the gap between the evil and the good will continue to remain undiminished.---I like this sentence a lot, but you need to put it with some sentences that tell specific concepts or plans that the reader will associate with you.

You write very well! I think the second essay is stronger than the first. However, for both essays it will help if you establish a clever, strange, or somehow memorable theme. Use a concept at the beginning and end of each essay, and let all the explanations be about that concept.

:-)

Book Reports / Research thesis statement, allowing women in Afghanistan to contribute to society [3]

This is going to be a great thread. Thanks Kenzie and Paresh!

I want to tell you that a thesis statement is born after you read and read... it is not something to force onto the page. Read, read, read, and when you catch some inspiration... capture that inspired idea, and write it in a brilliant sentence. That will help you write beautifully... and the sentence is going to be "arguable" which means not everyone would agree with it.

A great thesis statement is rich with meaning, because you make it after doing a lot of reading. :-) Just read until you get a great, unique idea...

:-)

Graduate / "dynamic approach to architectural studies" SOP - the reason for choosing our school? [4]


Well, get one! This is your education, so it is very important. Find out about the articles and books written by the people who will be teaching you about your chosen field. :-)

Graduate / Motivation letter to Master´s Programme in Social Sciences [2]

All words of the opening salutation in a letter should be capitalized:

To Whom It May Concern:

I hereby Don't say hereby. It is a silly word.

I am applying for entrance to the ...

...new and young. Therefore, it has luck of good specialist. unclear

Having been immersed in the field of psychology, I have personally witnessed how social psychology counseling can change people's lives for better, and this encourages me to update and improve my knowledge in this field. ---Very good sentence!!

As a graduate student 1,5???? year

Currently, I am responsible for understanding ...

You are very impressive! :-)

Undergraduate / Economics, management, analyze a case, international student - UofT admission [5]

Awesome, Aria! I am impressed. Thanks for being here and making EssayForum better. I am going to go help with one of your essays right now...

Always strive for efficiency. This sentence is completely unnecessary: Economics is my favorite subject among all the other subjects.
When writing less is always more. That is the same for all communication, and it is why Yoda and Zen masters talk in short sentences.

Holy Moly, I have never seen the word globalizationer, and I think it is not good! :-)

When I came to Canada, I needed to talk...

:-)

Undergraduate / "My commitment to seek knowledge and service" - HELP ON MY SPELMAN ESSAY [4]

berriers barriers

Put a comma after that word, because it is a compound sentence. :-)

Capitalize English.

You should use separate paragraphs, because every time you do a paragraph break, you get to put an idea powerfully in the reader's mind. The first and last sentences of paragraphs are much more powerful than sentences in the middle of one long paragraph.

My commitment to seek knowledge and service shows...

:-)

Undergraduate / Common app- volunteer for international students [3]

Nice job here, Anthony. This is a great thread. I like your writing style and that clever use of a colon.

I think making vernacular and word usage singular is a good idea, too. (Good call, Mohammad.

here is my idea for you:
Naturally, students can sometimes stray away from volunteer positions; claiming that they do not offer anything in return. My premise is around the notion that b Benevolence in giving knowledge is as important as receiving knowledge.

:-) That first sentence was unhelpful, so I killed it! Dead.

Writing Feedback / Students to study alone or with a group? Which do you prefer? Reasons? [3]

I Mishal, I recommend typing the essay again now that you see the errors.
You can also do this for the first part:
In general, everyone has different ways to achieve success in life.

Type it again, and we will see if you still have errors. Also, ask questions! :-)

I think you should make the conclusion a little longer. That tells the reader the main idea of the essay.

Undergraduate / "a powerful research-based institution" Upenn Transfer Essay- Extracurriculars [4]

I am a firm believer that ---This is a cliche. You can say it in a more original way.

Whether it be In economics, physics, geology and art history, the University of Pennsylvania be able to can quench my thirst for to gain a more profound understanding...

In my opinion, t There is nothing more attractive about a ...
I don't like that last paragraph. I think you should focus on your plan for the future, and tell the reader specifically about a goal you want to accomplish.

:-)

Writing Feedback / "The true function of a university" - IELTS -education approach of universities. [5]

A University university is a place where ...

one aggregates knowledge in a specific field , for a brighter bright and prosperous future life.

Whether a university should provide ...

You write very well, but I think you can tackle the question based on a few philosophical ideas about the purpose of education. Does education teach people critical thinking, preserve culture, prepare people for work, liberate the mind, or teach morality? Which is most important? Are some purposes more important than others?

:-)

Graduate / "a human being born into a life of poverty, anger.." - Social Work letter of statment [3]

Always take out any unnecessary words:
Throughout this country t There is a common misconception that a human being born into a life of poverty, anger or pain has very little to contribute to our society.

It is believed that the social construction of what it means to be a different particular race, gender or ethnicity will somehow weigh down an individual's opportunities in life and ultimately restrict them from making positive decisions. ---I don't really like this sentence, because it repeats the idea from the first sentence.

... to help lead these individuals on a search to find their purpose and engage in a more promising and fulfilling future.--This is very nicely written.

I stand by the promise of equal opportunity ---Another powerful sentence... great paragraph.

I have to take out a word, or it is a run on sentence.
...and spite ruled above all. Where Running away from an angry father ...

You have to balance the emotion with some research. Show that you are not just emotional, but also intellectual. Show that you have been considering various approaches to social work, counseling, etc. If you are having trouble, it is because of a lack of raw material. The raw material for your essay comes from the excellent books and articles you read. Cite some, and express your plan. Give details about your intentions and what you have been reading. :-)

Letters / Memo to the plant employees about the company's Christmas party, Memo writing [4]

This is clear and to-the-point.

I can't find any errors except this small out:
Employee's and their spouse
Employees and their spouses

Do you have a text book that tells you how to include various things on a memo? Maybe you will get a better grade if you include 1 or 2 more pieces of information. :-)

Research Papers / Types of Cruiser Style Motorcycles [3]

This means more road feel and---Well, this part is unclear... can you use a different word or phrase to express the "road" feel?

Also, it would be good to tell a reason for your preference at the end, because that will make the whole essay more meaningful.

But really, you used good organization for this, and it seems pretty solid. :-)

Essays / Personal statement; Question about the way this question is formed? [5]

Hey, this is going to be 3 pages, with maybe 9 paragraphs of 100 words each.

The 3 parts of the prompt show your past, present, and future. It is what you are all about. You can cover each of those optional prompts in a paragraph, or you can cover them all in one paragraph. If no military, pretend it is not there... if no hardships, forget that part...

You have an advantage, because everyone else is going to be very MECHANICAL as they attend to each part. You are going to NOT be mechanical. You will focus on one big idea that will be easy for the reader to remember.

Whenever you write anything, there is ONE idea you want to convey. Burn that idea into the reader's mind. Say, it, explain it, and say it again.

That means you will be talking about ONE idea while discussing your past and future. And the theme for the whole essay is YOUR IDEA explained within the context of your culture.

So... you start by simplifying, just like when you do math. How can you explain the IDEA THAT DEFINES YOU in a way that shows how it is related to your culture. How does culture affect this idea that you are all about?

Note: if you are serious about the idea that defines you, you will do some research and cite some articles about recent developments in your field of interest.

Another note: even if you have more than one idea, choose one and use it for this essay... or combine them and expound the overarching idea that encompasses all your ideas. :-)

Writing Feedback / Why is my MOM my hero -opinion proof paragraph (reasons, examples) [4]

Hi Ralph, I just noticed this thread. I don't know if Susan did. But I wanted to tell you we fell way behind trying to keep up last month, and I really appreciate your participation. I want to go look at your essay right now, even though maybe it is too late.

Sorry! Thanks! :-)

Undergraduate / Cornell - "Finding Nemo among the Stars" (Molecular Biology and Genetics, Astronomy) [9]

Hi Sidharth, I always enjoy your stuff...

Could I find a fish among the stars? --- If our planet is among them, all the fish are among them. :-) Great intro.

My teachers would think I was delirious if I asked them this question.---See how I changed the tense.

My mother bought me my first encyclopedia when I was nine, called The Deep Blue World. ----If it was called that, it was not an ordinary encyclopedia. It was some kind of marine bio encyclopedia.

Do not say fishes
... taught me so much about fish and ignited my passion for biology.

Watching Animal Planet and Discovery taught me a lot. ---This sentence could be more interesting if you change or add a word to it.

Eventually, the sky met the ocean in my mind, and my interests merged; I probably owe credit for this to the innumerable sci-fi movies I ...

Excellent! Now... at the end you are very general about Cornell, as if you have not been planning for your education... you should mention the professors, the classes, and so forth. Show that you have spend countless hours planning your time at Cornell. :-)

Writing Feedback / Population Growth: WORLD ISSUES PERFECT PARAGRAPH ON EHRLICH THEORY [3]

Oh, I'm sorry I did not help in time.

You tried to explain too much in the first paragraph. You tried to explain EVERYTHING! It is better if you give one sentence that tels the reader about the theory. Then... leave room at the end of the first paragraph, because after you write the body paragraphs you will go back and write a thesis statement.

In each paragraph, explain why the theory is strong and reasonable. Make sure you use a new paragraph every time you make a new argument. In each paragraph, quote him or summarize part of his idea. End each paragraph by telling the reader why this is a reasonable point.

At the end of the first and last paragraph, give the main idea of your essay. The main idea of your essay should be the main reason his theory seems correct to you. This is actually a simple thing to do, so enjoy it! :-) I hope you are doing well in the class.

Scholarship / 300 word essay (personal history + educational/career goals). How to start? [2]

You only have a little bit of room. One essay has one big idea. A 300 word essay can have an intro of 100 words, a body paragraph to explain some more, and a conclusion paragraph to express that main idea in a new way.

If you want the essay to be memorable and powerful, make sure each essay is based on ONE idea that is memorable and powerful. What is the ONE big idea that you want the reader to associate with you?

Essay #1 is about the past.
Essay #2 is about the future.

They have one thing in common, and that is you. So let your past and future both show that you have an intention to make a big splash in the world. How will you change your chosen field?

:-)

Graduate / This is my SOP for Environmental Engineering at Hamburg [2]

You have a run on sentence here... do not hesitate to end a sentence with a period and start a new one:
Nothing is more illustrative than a real-life experience. I have deep interest in mountain climbing and hiking. My second attempt was with a group of four young friends, determined to ...

Also, after that first sentence I think you should add a few more sentences to explain the 'moral of the story' so the reader can appreciate your theme. Then, after you express the theme of the essay you should START A NEW PARAGRAPH before writing, "I have a deep interest in..."

...acting with penchant, committedness commitment in approach, increasing managing skills, crucial critical thinking ability, and so forth.

Here is another run on sentence:
I grew up in a well-educated family, my father is a Structural Engineer, and the prototype of a son fascinated by his father's work and my interest in mathematics and physics resulted in my considering Engineering for my future career. ---Do you see where a period is necessary? End the sentence after the word "family."

...those involving environment.

Do not capitalize unnecessarily: The Year year of my pre-university and the first ...

:-)

Research Papers / Water: Why is it important? - Dual Degree Essay [3]


This sentence is unclear. Water does what?

In the part about modesty, you remind me of another thing Bruce Lee said about water... it sinks to the lowest point (just like a judo player lowering her stance), but water can also penetrate rock. It is humble but powerful.

Your essay is brilliant. You cannot improve it much, because it is already so great! :-) Good topic, too.

It is true that without water we wouldn't be alive, but where would we stand as people if we didn't incorporate all the other ideals that water stands for?---You can add more to the essay by expanding this and making it into one of the body paragraphs. This idea is not good as the conclusion. You say BUT as though making life possible and demonstrating ideals are mutually exclusive. Use a few sentences to explain what you really mean: Water presevers life, but we should not make the mistake of thinking it is only of practical usefulness. It also has INSTRUCTIONAL VALUE.

:-) Congratulations on being a great writer!

Research Papers / Social constructionism and piracy law [2]

It's going to be so difficult if you set yourself up with an outline to follow before you write about any articles!

If you read one article and write one paragraph, you will have gotten started. You are only progressing toward that goal of 6,000 words when you are typing. You can revise and improve later. If you decide what you are going to argue before you start to write about the articles and books, that does not even make any sense, but it is how many students try to write papers... and it is how many professors expect papers.

No, the title and intro paragraph should be written according to what you have discovered. Do not try to make a theme in advance, because it is likely to be wrong. Does anyone really pirate music without knowing it? I think people know.

Write your body paragraphs FIRST, before writing the intro or outline. Let the plan be based on what you have learned from recent articles. Start reading & writing, and enjoy it! :-) ONE article for now... one good one that interests you.

Here is a good one:
Boyajian, Armen. "The Sound of Money: Securing Copyright, Royalties, and Creative "Progress" in the Digital Music Revolution." Federal Communications Law Journal 62.3 (2010): 587+. Questia. Web. 16 Jan. 2011.

And a few others:
Liebowitz. Pitfalls in Measuring the Impact of File-Sharing on the Sound Recording Market. CESifo Economic Studies (2009) 55(2): 326-352.
McQuail. McQuail's Mass Communication Theory, 6th ed. Sage, 2010.
Peitz and Waelbroeck. "Piracy of Digital Products: A Critical Review of the Theoretical Literature, Information Economics and Policy 18.4 (2006): 449-76.

Writing Feedback / Quest in IELTS: Information provided in the internet can be reliable or trusted? [3]

I have never seen "veracity" used this way. I think it means "truthfulness." That is not the same as "truth." In this sentence, you should write:

The veracity truth is that most of the...-----I think this is better, but maybe I am wrong. I just have never seen veracity used this way.

Capitalize Internet, because it is a proper noun, like a name.

But the existence of internet Internet is inevitable in the ...

This sentence is pretty good, but not perfect: Hence, it depends on each person whether to accept or reject the information.
Sy this:
Hence, each person must decide for herself or himself whether to accept or reject the information.

:-)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - domestic cars will not be considered as a reasonable way to work commuting [3]

The traffic jams are plural. Instead of saying jam---> is
say
jams ___> are
or jams---> represent.
The Jams = a problem, so we say they represent the problem:
To start with, traffic jams represent one of the most significant factors that prevent people from continuing to use their cars.qusing a car. The traffic jams being everywhere, car owners have a crave to getting desire to find an efficient way to go to work, which means they are more likely to take undergrounds, maglevs, or other means of public transportation for traveling to the workplace.

In addition, traffic jams also attributes contribute to the increasing rate of traffic accidents .

Besides Additionally, cars pollute the environment.

It is no wonder that the number of people who shed light on worry about the environment is increasing substantially.

In a nutshell, there is a more time-efficient, cost-efficient and environmentally friendly way to take method for going to the work, so domestic cars will not be considered as a reasonable option. As a result, in twenty years, cars will be fewer than today.--nice ending!! You still have errors, but you are doing SO well!! I am impressed. Please keep practicing with us at EssayForum.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Happiness" - Creative Essay - Art major [4]

I like the way that first paragraph surprises the reader with a statement about finding happiness one particular day. Very clever. But how about if that sentence gave another quirky detail? Like... Instead of November, which is meaningless to the reader, you say: I found it one afternoon while I was _____ __ ____ ________.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Rituals and ceremonies help define a culture. ---GRE [2]

Let's talk about "because" and "due to."

They can be parts of culture due to the fact that they are capable...
or
They can be parts of culture because they are capable...
So do this:
Rituals and ceremonies are indispensable parts of a culture due to the fact that they are capable of ...
or

because they are capable of providing a kind of identity and recognition.

Without them, a culture will be greatly weakened, and people's identity will be diminished.

They are not roles. They play roles. For example, Harrison Ford played the role of the president in a film called Air Force One.
So...
To sum up, rituals and ceremonies play important roles in a culture or a religious religion.
Great job! Now you can make it even better by writing a little about whether or not culture is a good thing. Is culture beneficial, or is it better for each generation to create a new society?

:-)

Research Papers / HRM a case study approach by Muller-Camen, Croucher and Leigh [2]

I have a great idea for you: Google "case analysis" with one of those terms.
Choose a case fromt he list of google search results, and see what you can learn about that term.
Then, do the same thing for the next term. The great thing about this strategy is that you will be finding an analysis of a case with the quality you are trying to learn about.

What text is used in class? That text probably has all the info you need.

Does that help? What have you accomplished so far?

:-)

Research Papers / LIFE AND CULTURE DURING THE PRE-SPANISH ERA [3]

Clothes for males were divided into two parts: upper and lower.

The upper part was a jacket which consisted of colors.

The red jacket was only worn by the ...

Female clothing was also had a division: its upper and lower parts.

In Bisayans, "patadyong" was what they were called to the lower part. ----I am taking out some extra words... some words that are unnecessary.

Whether Both men and women wore such ornaments.

If a man had more tattooed the more hen many tattoos he was admired by the people for his bravery in the battle.

Spelling: comnstruction construction

:-)

Scholarship / "an alternative medicine using Reflexology" - the Pete Le Grand Fund [2]

My goal for my future is to return to the Marshfield area work force.--I don't think this sentence should be so simple. You should start the essay off with a bang. Start with an intriguing idea.

Let's use the word various here:
...able to treat people at various locations.

My plan is to work 3 days a week and perhaps volunteer at a local nursing home one day and in a sports area the other day. I want to be a taxpayer again and be able to help the community by helping one person at a time. I wish to be

independent, so that I am will be able to provide health insurance and contribute to my family again.

My youngest daughter always liked having her feet rubbed, I then realized this would be
good therapy and with some research I put the two together. I think you should replace this sentence with a sentence about a recent research article you have read.

Good luck!! People get excellent relief from reflexology. :-)

Undergraduate / (major in illustration) SCAD Statement Of Purpose evaluation [2]

You have a runon sentence right here:
During my high school career I always wondered where I would be going with my life as the end of my high school days approached so quickly, I began to worry. ------That has to be split into 2 sentences. But actually, I think maybe this intro should be cut from the essay.

None of the universities my friends were going to seemed appealing to me, I never liked the idea of going to a traditional ...
The image that always dawned on me when thinking of life after a traditional university would be a typical office job, working within four walls that become incredibly mundane after working there for several years; these walls would seem to become a prison. ---This was another runon sentence, so I added a semi-colon to fix it. I really think you should scrap the first paragraph and start with this one. This paragraph is great!

I made an early decision that when I chose a college, it would be...---great, this stuff resonates with everyone.

I recently heard about SCAD through word of mouth from my peers who often mentioned----eliminate unnecessary words.

I think you should cut a lot of the content that tells about wanting a job you like and instead assume the reader knows you want a job you will like, and use these paragraphs to focus on your specific interests and aspirations... more about your artistic interests and your intentions. :-)

Undergraduate / "my journey to success" - Personal Statement University of Washington [2]


I think this part is a cliche. Maybe it is better without this sentence.

Every d ay my father ...

Capitalize:
...would always teach me about computers, how to use Paint , how to use Notepad and other basic concepts .

Do not capitalize high school:
until High School, has a special ...

Here I learned how computers was were used in the past, how they are used in the present, and how they will be applied in the future in different ways that I have never imagined.

This is not the kind of home I would want. to live at.

My mother enrolled me at Rainier Beach High School as an ...----In this case, it is good that you capitalized high school.

The ending is great. You should look over the essay and see what messages it sends. Is there another sentence you can add to the intro paragraph that will help tell the message of the essay? I think the intro paragraph is great, but the philosophical stuff should be said in as few words as possible, and you should add concrete statements about your aspirations and intentions... so that at the end of the first paragraph the reader knows the message of the essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / "fascination with economics" - Middlebury transfer essay [6]

You absolutely can modify this one. That tutor may be right about something... the part about the weather does not help.

But when I say you should add a memorable concept, I am talking about making it so that the essay expresses your desire to achieve goals based on what you care about -- goals based on your values.

And let's not say we want a college that is prestigious enough and the correct size, and blah blah blah... that stuff is not meaningful. I think that part is what made the tutor dislike the essay.Instead of saying that vague stuff, tell the reader that you are looking for the college that will best initiate you into the fields of expertise that interest you.

The most impressive student is a person with a dream, a goal, a great aspiration. If you told one aspiration -- to share with the nation your concepts of Economic Behavioral Psychology, for example -- the reader will never forget you. The concept will make the reader say, "Oh, yes, I rememeber the kid who is writing about "Economic Behavioral Psychology."

Letters / "Congressman, Denny Rehberg" - USMA Recommendation Letter Essay [2]

It is with great honor ---Ah, I think this is kind of a cliche.

My interests and involvement with the military has have encumbered my...

...an advanced Martial Artist. ----- it's not necessary to capitalize martial artist.

... that I am a great leader with moral character. ----- a very confident one, too!

I will more than likely exceed the requirements and I will improve anything I can.----Great enthusiasm and confidence. The essay is well-written, and the impressive part is your great attitude toward service, but this does not have any concept... no theme or message other than the message that you are ready to work hard and excel. But what about your philosophy, your intentions for perhaps changing what needs to be changed. What have you been reading lately? I gues my best advice it to try to balance this enthusiasm with some specific statements about your interests and intentions. What will be your specialization?

:-)

Undergraduate / UT issue of importance/ Multiracial Couples [3]

The sun rose in the morning and warmed the hotel room as my boyfriend and I put the coffee on to start the day. ---sounds boring so far.

He and I talked over our breakfast of fruit and cereal about my family. ---you are including some boring sentences!

I kept telling him how much they would love him and how excited I was for my brother to be graduating and moving on with his life.

After the ceremony we .... embarrassing memories of one another. It was a great time and everyone seemed to adore Vinod. ---All this stuff is uneventful. You could give this info in 2 or 3 clever sentences that express the situational circumstances and bring the reader into the scene. As fast as possible, get to the real stuff:

When the gathering died around eight o' clock Vinod and I decided to stay the night there at my mother's and drive back home in the morning. As we exited out of the house through the garage door to retrieve our bags from the car, we stumbled upon a conversation I wish we wouldn't have. When we ...

Wow, now I am interested... very cool story. So.. were they actually racists, or were they just making jokes with dark humor? The worst thing is when a family member tries to persuade you not to be with the person because of race...

Awesome, the second half of the essay is very reflective and meaningful. But I recommend scrapping all those uninteresting sentences at the beginning! :-)

Writing Feedback / Independent scholar seeks journal paper advice [2]

Hi Lance, it usually works like this: People post great essays on EssayForum so a lot of people can learn from our discourse about them, and in return you get some feedback. If the essay is already posted somewhere else, that does not really contribute to EssayForum.

So how about this... I'll check out what you have written, and in return you go help a few people on the Unanswered list. (We are having trouble keeping up with all the essays lately!)

I'm glad you joined our community, and I look forward to your philosophy article! let's see that link.

Kind regards,

Kevin