Undergraduate / "SHE" - an individual who has had a significant influence on you [2]

It is amazing, t The impact that one brings upon your life and the way they influence you in the smallest and simplest ways can be amazing. Without guiding me she has just simply inspired me. Her presence throughout my life has made me who I am today and established a mindset focused on the goals I plan to accomplish. From her experiences she gives me advice to onward guide me into a better future.

:-)

Undergraduate / "mathematics and social studies" - subjects in which you have excelled. Your success? [3]

The subjects that I believe the subjects in which I have excelled the most in high school are ...

They have both have been very easy for me to understand them .

The books contained so much information that we never finished them all in class -- but I always did. ------Ah, I like this part!! I made a small change to make it even better with a dash.

I would sit there in class after I've finish my work earlier and sit there and read the book, not cause I had to but because I liked to. People would ask me why I was reading ...

Mr.Mabin Is is my teacher this year, and ...

:-)

Undergraduate / "The Judge is God" - Common App: Debate [3]


Very clever.

Hey, thanks for sharing that great quote; I like that!

Number agreement: The skills and wisdom I've gained through debate are an important parts of...--just sounds nicer this way.

I think you will enjoy learning about neurolinguistic programming! Great job with this essay. Some other great things to google are: rogerian argument, logos, ethos, pathos, and stewart on crossfire! :-)

Undergraduate / "I love to take long walks" - My Yale [8]

It's that first sentence that is tough to understand. It really took me a few tries to follow it, and I am usually good at this stuff. I love the complexity of the way you think, but you should use simplicity in the way you write. That is now to make each idea as effective as possible.

:-)

Essays / I am 49 and just now attending college, need help getting started cause/effect essay [4]


Hey, you should get a program with a spell checker. I use firefox as my browser, and it caught this spelling error above by underlining it. If you use microsoft word you can have it catch spelling errors, too. If you are going back to school, get very very good at using microsoft word. Watch video tutorials on youtube.

Now is when reality is really hitting home.

So many things I used to do, things you take for granted, I was no longer capable of doing. ---I hate that feeling. I'm sorry you are going through that! chopra.com/node/1560

In answer to your question, you certainly are doing okay. The writing is well structured, because it all extends from that main idea expressed at the end of the first paragraph.

When you reach the end of the essay, leave the reader with something "extra" to think about.

:-)

Undergraduate / "to volunteer at Texas School for the Deaf" - An issue of importance- UT Austin [4]

Use commas right here:
"Fine," I sighed, well aware ... because I did not get had not earned my bachelors degree yet. ---I added an action verb and fixed the tense.

Use hyphens for stuff like this: eye-opener

It has became become clear ...

That has also motivated me to pursue my bachelors degree and ...

I continued to volunteer at Texas School for the Deaf. to this day. Although volunteers never expect anything in return for their services, I feel...

This is very good writing, especially if English is your second language. You have some mistakes, but almost everybody has some.

Graduate / SOP for MSc IN manufacturing ENGINEERING in UK [6]

Hey, the topic you and susan are discussing is an important one. Essays are opportunities to demonstrate the extent of your preparedness. One of the characteristics about a very serious, forward looking student with a real plan is this: extensive knowledge about the school.

You can google the names of individual professors. Find them on the website. Make yourself spend 2 hours collecting information about the actual people involved and, if possible, find out what text books are used. That is great advice from Susan, because if you only know stuff from the brochure, you are not researching as much as you can. Do you know what I mean? Go collect info on the people, and see if they wrote any articles that are interesting to you.

Research Papers / Research Project - Compare today's economy to "The Day of the Locust" [2]


This seems like a tough assignment, but you can do it. It helps to read an analysis online. That is not cheating; it's using literary analysis to help you appreciate the stuff, like you are supposed to do. So google the title with the word: analysis

Google the title also with the word: review

Read the way its themes are explained, and really get interested. The key to life is right here if you know where to look.

When you are done with that, google this: america's economy

You are going to have to read a lot of articles, like 6 or something. Write a paragraph about each. It is not hard to write a paragraph about the main idea of an article. Do that for 6 articles, and compare each article to the story.

Undergraduate / Entrance Essay for Vet School (a rewarding career working with animals) [2]

Cut as much excess as possible:
I started out my college life at College Name Here feeling that a diploma in Visual Communication was a career that I wanted to pursue. ---Ah, with all due respect to your mom, I really prefer "the thing for me." That shows personality and makes it lively.

That first paragraph is still all information and no sensation, no imagery or feeling, no punch to the stomach. I want you to precede that whole thing with a sentence that does something unexpected.. a totally witty way to say you had an insight about visual com. vs. animals.

If you don't know what I mean, ask your mom. She must be a good editor, because she cut a lot. Good editors cut a lot, and it always is helpful. But I bet you did not like it! :-)

Now at the end of the intro para I think you should add a sentence, too. I think it should have a sentence added to both the beginning (like I described above) and the end. The sentence you add to the end of the first paragraph is a thesis statement -- a sentence that expresses the overal meaning of the essay, the soul of the essay, IN A SINGLE SENTENCE.

Can your whole essay be captured in a sentence?

:-)

Scholarship / "will be like an adventure to me" - Study abroad scholarship essay, to spain [8]

I came to this thread because I saw some great help you gave someone else. Thanks for being a great EF member.

They asked for "concise" so cut all that fluff at the beginning. The essay begins here:
My aim is to learn about the different various types of creative or artistic techniques that can be used to help me create visual solutions as a graphic designer. Also I have such an interest and a desire to explore everything about the Spanish art-work that many times I have visualized myself walking down ...

Nice job, you write beautifully. If you start like this, it will be stronger!
I mean it! Cut those first few sentences. When they say concise, they mean it. :-) Make every sentence powerful.

"You have to explain THIS in a clear way: your proposed program of study and how it will be related to your present academic program."

:-)

Writing Feedback / "It is better act than just complain" grammar and spelling on this paragraph [3]

Grisbel, thanks for doing such a great job here! You are making essayforum better by giving above-average help like this. I want to tell you I know this takes some time to do, and we appreciate it.

Miranda, Do you have any questions? I hope you will write the essay again and make these corrections, and we will look to see if you still have errors. Great job!

Scholarship / to access world-class bachelor of social science degree program [2]

...having many multinational financial institutions set up its in operation. ---I simplified that part. It was complicated! :-)

Gaining a Hong Kong work experience will help me strengthening leadership skills and self-confidence preparing me as an entrepreneur. Following two years of work experience in Hong Kong, I plan of coming home and setting up a firm in the rural areas of Bangladesh, to create employment for the disadvantaged people. The company will be extended extend further to ...---simpler is always better.

Your essay is already very concise, though, and well-written!

One more:
I plan on coming home and setting up a firm in the rural ...

Book Reports / "Men are Cowards!" - Feminist Essay on The Scarlet Letter [2]


I think you are trying to say "worst." But actually what someone can "get out of it" is the "most." You should say "most" someone can get out of it.

Hester Prynne was an example of what women should not be, during this time, women were seen as inferior and men had total authority.--This is a run on sentence. I think you should put a semi-colon after "be."

In MLA style, you don't have to use the word page in the parentheses. Just put the page number. In APA it should be the letter p, like this:

(p. 126) and in MLA it is just like this: (126).
Which are you trying to use, MLA or APA?

The fact that she was able to refuse to tell her community who Pearl's father was shows how strong she is.

The theme of the essay is not that men are cowards, so do not use that as the title! You expressed the theme well at the end of the essay. :-)

Undergraduate / "Everything was white; medical testing and surgery" - Rice perspective essay [3]

Brevity:
this moment for ten of the seventeen years of my life. my seventeen years.

fear pounding in my heart---Great phrase here...

Oh... the last two sentence... I really like that advice from Victor... That will be great, because I have a hard time figuring out what the theme of the essay is going to be as I read.

Also, google this: imagery words
If you read a little about what they are and why they are important, it might give you some good ideas about how to improve the essay. It has great emotional content, and more imagery words will help to intensify the reader's experience.

You write well!! This is a strong essay.

Undergraduate / It was in 2007 that I had started a heavy load of GCSE courses - Cornell-CALS [3]


I challenge you to say this in fewer words, more simply...

. I immersed myself into in the ...

This is good, but it could be better. Instead of emphasizing your zeal for bio, you should emphasize the specific areas of study that so interest you. Put the emphasis on your areas of possible specialization... do not bother with things like "a calling really" because that is just a dramatic way to repeat what you have been saying. This really is very good already, but what I am thinking is that you can convey the enthusiasm by focusing not directly on the enthusiasm but on the object of the enthusiasm.

I hope that makes sense and helps! :-)

Undergraduate / "The day of my graduation" - Personal: Applying to Ivy Leagues [6]


Strong sentence.

I knew that many of the adversities that I have had faced in life would continue on in college. I knew that I would have

In addition to the lack of access of resources, UIC also failed to meet my expectations in other areas. One of the best qualities I hoped to anticipate at UIC was the All this stuff.. I think it might be better without it. It almost starts to sort of seem like you might be exaggerating. Instead of elaborating on all the reasons the school is not good, you should elaborate on the specific interests you have developed as you continued to read about developments in your chosen field, and how they influence your decision to apply to this school.

:-)

Undergraduate / "a member of the local soccer team" - short answer on extracurricular activities [5]


This uses a lot of words to say something that is very simple and common.

Here is the awesome sentence:
Not much is comparable to the feelings that follow after out-playing an opponent and winning a match, but nothing tastes better than coming back from a loss and reclaiming glory with your team!

Scrap everything that comes before this great sentence. Let this be the first sentence of the essay. :-)

Undergraduate / "Korean tutoring" - PRINCETON summers essay [3]

Yes, continue it. This is great stuff. You really have finesse in that intro, too... the way you breezily talk about summer as a time of discovery and passion and then zero in on a scene with some dialogue.. this has great potential.

But I advise you to end that paragraph sooner and give a thesis statement so that the reader knows what the main idea is going to be!

:-)

Undergraduate / "I could help them in calculating their costs" - Chicago extended essay [7]

The theme about helping them calculate costs is what makes this very, very good. I'll give some ideas...

As I walked back home from school, a gigantic space shuttle landed just right in the middle of the road which led the way to my home. I could not believe my eyes that what I am looking at, when I saw oval shaped...

As we hit the surface, two of them started talking about calculations in which they were having problems, so I interrupted them and insisted if that I could help them.

It merely merely is not the right word here-----delighted them that their problem was solved in a matter of ...

Mainly, then I wondered when they are were going to take me back to my planet. I hoped they were ...

Use a comma when you write dialogue:
I heard my mom calling my name with annoyance, "Jahanzaib, You were sleeping for almost ten hours, do you have any idea?" and there, the end of the story.

Awesome story... I think they will like it! I see that you missed the part about writing a question, but... maybe they will accept you anyway?

Undergraduate / "to meet more different people in my life" - DIVERSITY [3]

People often ask me how I can imagine my life as a box of crayons,---this seems like a strange thing for people to often ask you.

to me my theory makes perfect sense. This is not good, because it is not actually a theory. A theory is something different. This is more like a metaphor.

I stared at this essay for a long time, and I think I would like to cut the whole intro and just start abruptly with this awesome sentence:

The Bedazzled Blue crayon is one of the smartest people in my collection. Mariam is the girl who is ... and at the end of this paragraph, you can have a thesis statement. That will make a great intro.

If you start with the quote, and then go to the bedazzled blue crayon, you will have the start of some powerful writing. :-)

Undergraduate / (the abundance of options available) + (sports medicine specialist) Boston - Interest [2]

You write very well. This essay is lacking substance a little bit, but not too much... it will be great if you talk a little more about your specific interests in the field. This stuff I quoted above, though well written, is sort of vague.

I tend to think this sort of approach is sometimes weak because of a divided focus... are you interested in the sport or the medicine? I think it actually weakens the essay when you say you want to be one of the team doctors, because that makes it seem like you might not be actually interested in medicine as much as you are interested in the team.

I know that seems like a completely ignorant thing for me to say, because this is about sports medicine... but I want to tell you I think it will benefit you to focus more on the medicine and less on the sport.

:-)

Undergraduate / a nearby mosque + Nobody is perfect + I enjoy reading + Scientists - MIT questions [3]

I have had just received a fair amount of money from my relatives as a reward for my final grades, so I decided to help.

I told him I cannot could not secure the whole amount needed but some of it and I took him to a nearby charity organization. There they told us that that the person in charge is was not present and that he would be present tomorrow the following morning.

You need to practice your verbs. Practice putting verbs in the past tense.

Before we leave left, they told us that ...

When I returned home, I asked my parents if they want wanted to share.

I was grateful that I had not given my money to someone who was not in need.
Well, from the way the story sounds, it seems that the man did have some sort of hardship... it is great that you want to help those who are in need. In this short life, there is little else that we can do to make our lives significant.

I am keen to be always smiling because a smile can have greater effect than any word.--nice!

In At the same time, I bear

You have a nice way of writing!

Undergraduate / Essay on aging and growing older - Common App Essay [3]


Great job, Kimmy, you are a hell of a writer. I think you are going to do great things as a physician's assistant and perhaps as a physician.

Your thoughtful essay has given me an opportunity for reflection. I can't help you, because the way you write is already excellent. I just want to thank you for sharing this and for participating in essayforum. As for the death of the body, I think it is no big deal, so take heart! In the Big Picture, aging and death are like the scrubby pads you use to wash the dishes. We all need to be renewed over and over...

Undergraduate / UPenn - "What do you see yourself exploring?" Supplemental Essay [6]

Keep in mind that I said this ...

The essay is solid! It's very good. I think it can be even better if you cite a few recent research articles to show what you have been reading. I say that because they specifically mention research.

If there was one place I could make an improvement, it would be the thesis statement at the end of the first paragraph where you plant a big idea in the reader's mind:

I realize that a big part of me always wanted to be a businessman, and to major in business, I believe that there is not a better school than University of Pennsylvania's Wharton School of Business.

This is such a simple statement, without much meaning. It takes away some of the essay's power. You can transform the whole essay, though, by mustering some inspiration and replacing this with the words that really express your plan! :-)

Undergraduate / "New era of personal recognition" CommonApp Essay [4]


This does not get the image into the reader's mind. Can you include more letters besides the TJ? Also, for clarity:
"What exactly is TJ-" a student murmured from across the room as she called attention to my name on the chalkboard. ---I don't know if these words are good to use, but, you know what I mean. Give details for clarity.

This essay is well-written.. the concepts are interesting and artfully expressed. I like it a lot and don't have criticism for any of what is there, but I want to talk about what is not there. You really could add a little more explanation here. I am usually telling writers to omit some details and let the reader figure out some of it on her own (rather than over explaining) but in your case, you really have some high level writing skill and you should concern yourself with making sure the reader can keep up. I suspect also that in face to face communication you might also do well to simplify and specify so that the listener will be able to keep up. Complex people are often misunderstood! But in writing, you need to sometimes add some short sentences that succinctly ensure that the reader knows what is going on! :-)

Undergraduate / The day that my parents bought me my first Tarzan..Penn Supp [4]


Great job, Julie! I'll try to improve it even more...
My parents' greatest regret was is probably buying me my first Tarzan 100 piece Jigsaw Puzzle in first grade when I was six years old. From then on, there was no going back.

I took out some words, because it is always good to take out words if you can.

:-) And I got rid of 'first grade' because it is awkward to use first 2 times.

Graduate / Personal statement for PhD application in Transportation Engineering [2]

That first paragraph is high quality writing. It carries the reader along from one intriguing idea/image to the next. But at the end, I don't like this sentence:

It can be understood that technology implies in transportation serves to provide better service to the society. That sentence uses a lot of words but is unclear. Say what you really mean. Bolbly state your intentions. :-)

one thing has, two things have...
My interest in transportation and desire to learn more has have driven ...

For the past four years after graduated, I share have shared my passion and knowledge in transportation through...

I'm also responsible to deliver for delivering hands-on training ...

Aside from transportation engineering world, I spent my leisure time manage managing a music club name Penang UiTM Music Club (PUMC).

The transportation challenges challenge that concerns me the most is improving road safety. In my country, there is no day people weren aren't killed on the road, most of it cause by speeding and reckless drivers .

Excellent... you are obviously very motivated and intelligent. I think they will accept you! :-)

Grammar, Usage / Is it a good Haiku example (a frantic spider)? [4]

Wow.. I really like that last line the more I look at it. You are great... Angry waves claim it.... that is perfect.

Grammar, Usage / Is it a good Haiku example (a frantic spider)? [4]

It is excellent... very, very good stuff. But you are missing a syllable in that second line. Rework it! I really like the last line.

I always remember this haiku for some reason: Suna hama ni/ ashi ato nagaki/ haru hi kana

It means "A summer day/ a long nine of footprints/ on a sandy beach

I may be getting it a little wrong. Anyway, it is great, like yours, because it shows a scene the suchness of which you can appreciate in a moment of stillness.

Undergraduate / The Medium is the Message - Research Based Essay [2]


That is a very interesting observation...thanks for sharing that.. I might look into the work of McLuhan.

I don't know... you probably know better than I do... but isn't it better to use media as the plural of medium? I know either is fine, but probably people in the field of media studies prefer media as the plural form.

Here is how I would revise the intro:
The medium is the message, according to Marshall mcLuhan in his groundbreaking Understanding Media: The Extensions of Man (1964).

:-)

Writing Feedback / About the Grad CF Course (difficulty, diversity) [3]

Sorry I'm so slow! Still catching up from the busy season...


Shouldn't Institute be capitalized here?

When I started this term, I was so anxious because, many people have scared me of the complicity and by talking about the intensity of that module called "Scientific Module."

At the end of the course, however; I found out that this course was one of the easiest modules I have had ever studied at Exceed because of two main reasons.

...and never pay any attention to others' opinions, because people judge things according to their different experiences.

Well done!

I think you should also make this change:
Besides the first reason, The second reason involves the diversity of the topics ...

:-)

Undergraduate / "Economics, the beauty of thinking independently" - Purdue App (Professional Goal) [3]


Nicely done... you have a great way with words.

You should use "for" with searching but not with seeking. Seeking = "searching for"
Rather than merely seeking for solutions, I would ...

It is my hope to bring this perspective to the Purdue University and understand what can and should be done; XXXXXXX? YYYYYYY? ZZZZZZZ? ---I think at this point in the essay you should list some possibilities. These are your tentative goals, and they will strengthen the essay.

From my one week's work placement last summer at the Agricultural Bank of China, which is the third largest lender by assets in China, I had a taste of how the economy works ...learned a lot from introducing financial products to my clients and how to work as a team with my colleagues. (add sentences to this paragraph so that you bring it back to the question of what your goals are... end this paragraph with a reference to a goal).

Being one of the top Business Schools in the United States, the Krannert School of Management of the Purdue University is obviously my first choice. This goes without saying, and it is also not relevant to the question you are tackling. Focus on goals and the ways the school can facilitate your achievement of them.

Aside from its brilliant history and reputation, the course structure there is really attractive to me. Since I hope to attain a well-rounded education, I consider taking some other courses in humanities, like psychology, sociology, or history highly useful. Too general. Can you cite some articles written by professors? Articles related to your goals? That would be perfect.

I like the ending. :-)

Grammar, Usage / Adverbs are the worst - too many adverbs spoil the soup [9]


Yep, the adverb is valid as a part of speech. I just dislike him as a person. Adverbs are horrible people.

:-) And yeah, empty calories, that is a perfect way to express it!

Graduate / Motivational essay: how to conjugate idealism and career goals, Japan? [5]


Excellent, that is a good way to think about it. Priorities are important in writing and in all communication, because every additional piece of info divides the listener's attention.

:-)

Undergraduate / "my attitude towards failure" -UBC science- qualities you have to prepare for success [4]


This is a little too simple and common.

Instead the unsatisfaction dissatisfaction that occures occurs along with failure is the force that pushes me, a perfectionism, toward perfection -- to try over and over for a "happy ending."

Moreover, the instability of surroundings in
... my so called unsubjective(I am intrigued by this word, but what do you mean?)

Thus,"How could you be so calm?" is how my friends judge me every ti me I meet special occasions such as just becoming a victim of a mobile phone-stealing theft. case . What's gone is gone. ---Awesome, my favorite part, very impressive.

Okay, I said it was too simple to talk about a positive attitude toward failure, but actually you did so well with it that you make it work. But at the beginning, we need a sentence that conveys the depth of what you are writing.

One of my most outstanding qualities is my positive attitude towards failure. I am unique in that I am resolute in preventing little problems from disrupting my good state of mind. Through an incorrect answer on a biology...

:-)

Undergraduate / SOP MA Immigrationa and Settlement Studies [3]

I have been increasingly motivated by the fact that people ...

...this programme I am intended intend to devote my career for to the betterment of immigrants

strong foundation to for my analytical ability.

the opportunity to comprehend the facts that how people decide to immigrate, what challenges they face, and their perceptions and misperceptions about receiving

While I will study Ryerson I like hope to carry out the an in-depth research to see what barriers

I hope that the admissions committee finds...

:-) Nice! Your seriousness and dedication are obvious. I hope the AO reader appreciates you! Thanks for participating in our forum and making it a better place.

Undergraduate / "I am creative" - MY GRAPHIC DESIGN ADMISSONS ESSAY [3]

Be efficient with the information-giving:
I am seeking an associate of applied science degree in graphic design. The reason that I am interested in this program seeking associate of applied science degree in graphic design is ...---Also, use the exact name of the degree as they offer it, and capitalize it.

because I am creative and I also can think outside the box. these mean the same thing. And if you are really creative, you do not need to use a cliche, like 'think outside the box.'

Your My aim as a graphic designer is ...

This essay is pretty strong! However, I think you need something to be passionate about. Show that something is very important to you... it is not enough to say you are creative, etc. Replace that creativity part with some expression of an ideal that is close to your heart. The reader will know you are creative based on the way you explain what is important to you in life and why it relates to graphic design.

:-)

Undergraduate / Decision- Common App Transfer Essay: " Describe in detailed chronological order..." [2]

You don't seem to have used any paragraphs.
Capitalize Catholic.
Use paragraphs so that the reader will not choke on giant bites of information. The reader needs a paragraph break sometimes to help her organize her process of interpreting these symbols strewn across the page.

I like this: The experience was profoundly memorable. ---You have a nice way with words!

One specific memory was of me ... er...
I remember striving toward for a five hundred dollar goal and walking into a small sign shop on Christmas Eve. A profoundly beautiful and warm African American lady (no need for a comma here) welcomed me as I walked in.

Above, I took out profoundly, because you had used 'profound' twice.

I like this essay a lot! Let's change this conjunction...---> I felt like a mother and or older sister to my friend, Christine, as she battled difficult moments from her past and struggled to find her strength as a woman in America's image- driven society.

Undergraduate / I'm having trouble with a thesis for my essay "the most impacting moment in my life" [5]

into the pits pit of my stomach as I expected the worst.

Less is moire, take out the name: my best friend's Nicole's crying voice with the words, "N ick's dead."

Less is more, take out the unnecessary, distracting words: She has had lost her one and only brother, as I have had lost my one and only first love.

...to change in ways I have had never experienced and never expected to at such a young age.

I'm sorry for your loss. At times like that it helps to reflect on the fact that we all are going the same route, all of us together, flashing and fading. The thesis for your essay is going to be the "moral of the story." This is good as an intro paragraph, but at the end of the intro paragraph you can try adding a sentence that expresses the lesson to be learned from it. I hope you and the others who knew Nick are able to comfort one another and re-establish your focus. We all go that same route in time, so concentrate now on what you will do for these few decades you'll spend here. 800 months! That's all you get. :-) I hope you are okay.

Writing Feedback / Costa Rica, A memorable place, descriptive essay. [2]


This is too much for the reader to interpret, and not enough imagery. Let detail is more. The mind of the reader get's this from the sentence: shoulder, window, bus, top... and that is it.

You need imagery and action:
While glancing out the window of the bus, I saw XXXXXXXXXXX. ---that is a sentence someone can interpret. You tried to start the essay by simultaneously telling the reader about your action and that of the bus. Limit the info in each sentence. Do not try to show to much in a single sentence, or the reader will see none of it.

Ha ha, I like this:
While glancing over my left shoulder and out the window as the bus struggled to reach the top of a narrow windy road, a bright green rain forest stretched as far as eyes could see, and still the ocean was nowhere in sight. ---I added a comma...I really like this as the first sentence. Look at how intriguing the start of the essay will be if you begin with this sentence. It's great. It shows one scene.

The bus dove back down the road and into the thick jungle canopy.----Awesome. This sentence makes that first part (which I crossed out, above) unnecessary, because it introduces the image of the bus.

Awesome, awesome... you write very well. As I continue to read, I don't want to suggest any changes; it's great. I hope I successfully shared with you the insight about not-too-much imagery all at once (i.e. that first sentence.) Show the reader one thing as you start an essay like this. :-)