Writing Feedback / the 20th page of Time magazine. [2]


How useful is this part? I think you should decide what you want to say to the reader, and then ask questions that give you an opportunity to express those ideas. In this sentence above, you show your great writing style, but it does not express a very important idea.

to be a businesswoman who can put her education into action. ---This is excellent, but too broad/vague/nonspecific. I think you can aspire to be more than just a good businessperson. You can also have a life philosophy that you express through the way you run your business. If you study some moral philosophy and discourse about social responsibility in business (Google for it), I think you can put your great writing skill to even better use, because the whole essay will have a more meaningful main idea.

I think you need successfully here? ---> I just want them to know that it even took me two years to apply successfully to ...

:-)

Undergraduate / Computer Club + Summer Job -common app essay [3]

As a matter of style (not a rule of grammar), it is nice to keep a sentence all in the same tense:
As I entered the computer laboratory, I came to a world that belongs belonged to me. --it just sounds nicer to the reader...

I was greeted by a sea of people having with the same passion...
It also seems nicer in formal writing to write three instead of 3:
for three years and ...

I was the treasurer. My responsibilities included keeping records of financial transactions and maintaining ...

:-)

Oh!! That second essay has a brilliant opening sentence that captures my attention!

You have a beautiful style of writing. I will add a comma to this excellent sentence:
Every day, I had my lunch alone on the bottom stair, and I remained silent throughout unless there was a customer.

Writing Feedback / IELTS ACADEMIC WRITING ABOUT GOVERNMENT FUNDING ART. [3]

I think you should say standards of living instead of life standards.
I also think you should add another sentence to the end of the first paragraph to tell the reader what the main idea of the essay will be. Capture your main idea in one sentence and express that sentence at the end of the first paragraph. :-)

Obviously, those who advocate the artistic appreciation more likely rest on the more affluent group of people rather the poor who have to worry about the allocation of their low income which constiutes considerable proportion of health and education.---You structured this sentence very well. I think this is part of the main idea of your essay, so you should introduce this idea in the introduction paragraph for the essay.

:-)

Book Reports / Family upgringing, Education, Marriage - my thesis for A Thousand Splendid Suns? [3]


Great questions. Well, what if I said this: "Tell me your thesis, and then I will let you explain the thesis statement by giving me three sentences." IF you wrote three different sentences to explain your thesis, it would be great to make each of those sentences one of the paragraph topic sentences.

So, each paragraph topic sentence should be a sentence to explain the thesis or show that it is true.

They are all connected to the main idea! :-)

Your thesis is good, but do you really need to force yourself to make a point about each of those things? Why not just find three great examples to show that the author is teaching this lesson? (i.e. the lesson you express about past events influencing out future.)

Just skim through the book again and notice the examples to show that this is indeed the lesson the author is teaching. For each example, write a para topic sentence, and then add to each para topic sentence so that it becomes a whole paragraph.

:-) I hope that helps you!

Undergraduate / "Becoming a pediatrician" - My academics strengths and interest MSU [3]

integral --Not a good word... people use it too much, and it does not really add any useful meaning to the sentence.

When I was just a baby, I was born with a disease which made my skin fall off in pieces. --I crossed out a redundant part.

Growing up being teased is tough difficult enough; if only I could make a difference in those children's lives to prevent this from occurring it would fill me with glee.

As we know pediatrician is categorized responsible for helping children to manage the physical, mental, and emotional ...

Being determined My determination to achieve my goals makes me...

:-)

Undergraduate / "Journey to be oneself; I understand the risks" - LMU (is this intro too much?) [2]

At this time, he is blindfolded.---You could change this sentence slightly to let the reader know if someone blindfolds him at this moment or if he has been blindfolded while walking. Any uncertainty diminishes the reader's experience.

That intro... you have a sense that it might be "overdoing it," and I know what you mean. It is great writing, and even though I was only one sip into my coffee the essay put me on full alert; enthralling. But it might "overdo" something. If I was writing this essay, I would try to give that whole intro in 50% of the words and then end the intro paragraph with a sentence about Fr.. Lawton. i.e. to start to answer their prompt question.

They tried to beat high score records; I played them on my dad's old record player. ---This is a great sentence. I bet you experimented with a lot of different ways to word it.

Is there a sentence in this essay that, in a straightforward way, gives an answer to the question about why this challenge is riskiest?

:-)

Scholarship / [Sholarship Essay for Skidmore] the experience that sparked interests in science [3]

The way to close a piece of dialogue is with a comma and then ," said my teacher.
Like this:
...and your notebooks too," said my teacher - a small woman with a kind, round face.

Above, I also added another comma; you need a comma after every adjective in a row. For example:
You need a comma after every adjective when there are two or more if you want a clear, stylish, well-written sentence.

We was were usually assigned allowed five minutes to solve ...

This is a very powerful sentence.The AO reader, who is also in the field of education, will really feel some inspiration from this sentence: Perhaps, she was the only teacher who I could question without hesitation.

We often had a long test at the end of every month during the time when we were studying with a higher concentration for the provincial Physics Olympiad in April. ---This paragraph topic sentence does not really express an idea that is the topic of the paragraph. Can you change a few words so that this paragraph topic sentence expresses the message of the paragraph?

In that afternoon, it was kind of weird when she asked for looking to look at our scratch pads instead of checking our homeworks homework as usual.

:-)

Letters / Lab research on an undergrad resume appealing to companies [2]

You have a lot of options. Look at some examples of ressumes online. You will see that some have a brief statement at the beginning that tells the reader what you are all about. In that section, you can specify this organization to which you will be applying, and you can tell about your research experience as well if that experience is relevant to the internship you are trying to get.

Try to come up with 2 excellent sentences and include them in a summary at the beginning of the resume. That is most effective, because people will make their decision in the first few seconds of glancing at the resume.

The whole resume should be tailored to the organization to which you are applying. Just think of how that sets you apart from other candidates who use the same resume for all companies to which they apply. It is great to spend a few minutes modifying each resume for the organization you are sending it to.

Explain your research in a way that shows how it is aligned with your overall plan and also with this internship. I hope that answers your (very confusing) question! :-)

Letters / Key Laboratory of Biotechnology & Crop - A cover letter for postdoctoral position [3]

Nice job! Let's eliminate some unnecessary words...
I have been seeking just such an opportunity, as this and based on the job description on your website (no need for a comma here) I believe...

I think you need one more sentence added to the end of that first paragraph... a sentence that will be memorable and meaningful. Let the reader know your main idea by adding one more sentence to the end of that first paragraph. :-)

... and I believe that my perseverance and enthusiasm could help me success in the research at your lab. (Right here, add a sentence to substantiate the claim, a sentence about ways you have used enthusiasm to contribute in other, similar settings.

This is very professionally written, but you need a few interesting sentences to help the reader feel a sense of inspiration and curiosity about you. Good luck! Your writing is professional and impressive.

Undergraduate / "Culture and experience" USD SUPP- feedback [2]

Cannot should be one word:
...cannot realize that ...

... been into inside culturally foreign homes and ...

I try to gain as much out of from diversity and ...

Very, very good stuff here. I like your style of thinking and writing. Like you, I am not going to conform to old traditions! But I want to advise you to give some more focus to your intentions, your short term goals. That is most powerful in this kind of essay. :-)

:-)

Scholarship / APIASF Scholarship - "Graphic Design: your personal and educational goals." [2]

After that long, rather philosophical last sentence of the first paragraph, I think you should add a short, very clear and specific sentence to balance it out. "Sharpen" the thesis statement (or theme) of the paper by adding this brief, clear, meaningful sentence right at the end of that first paragraph. What brief sentence can perfectly express your idea?

Although I grew up in poverty, a difficult situation that many immigrants face, it hasn't impeded my improvement throughout my childhood.----Hey, you have excellent command over English grammar... this essay has some very well-structured sentences.

For a compound sentence, use a comma:
The professional side of art is challenging and new, but I am determined to successfully graduate with a Bachelor's degree.

This is an inspirational and impressive essay! If you really want to profit with your art, learn about the way to use Internet marketing and drive traffic to your site. That is the way things are done in the 21st century. I hope you will become an expert about Godaddy, PayPal, and perhaps Google Blogger. That is the way for artists to prosper in the information age.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Athletics in high school" - an extracurricular activity [2]

Welcome to EssayForum! :-) Thanks for joining our giant writers' group. :-)

Athletics played an integral role in my high school career. ----- This sentence is not unique or extraordinary in any way... just informative. I think you should revise it so that it is intriguing.. so that it expresses an idea that fascinates the reader.

As a freshman I immediately encouraged myself to become an avid member in sports. The benefits were great and it was an easy choice to continue sports throughout my four years in high school. Not helpful

Distance running is powerful meditation. I think you should talk about how this discipline and mental clarity will make you an excellent professional in your chosen field. Let us know about your plans for the future. :-)

Undergraduate / Applied Math and the liberal arts - Common App Why transfer essay [2]


This is a really good sentence, but there is a price to pay. If you mention this scene, you have to use it as ametaphor or somehow keep referencing it, as a theme for the essay... you cannot just say it for no apparent reason. It is good, and I hope you can keep it, but you have to "maintain" it as your theme. :-)

Ah... good! Right here in the intro, you are talking about math and engineering, so at the end of the first paragraph you should refer back to the train thing.. something about math and engineering, as though your experience on the train makes you think in terms of math and engineering.

My time at _______ has been indisputably superb. Don't use fancy dramatic words; instead, add some words so that this sentence will contain more meaning. The first sentence of the paragraph should be a PARAGRAPH TOPIC SENTENCE.

to go into an applied field, which is what I want to do. such as myself. Don't use myself unless you have used "I" in the same sentence.

This is very good, much more interesting to read than many AO essays. And you obviously are a very methodical thinker.

Graduate / "Strategic Intent Aggressiveness"- business administration [4]

I want to add a conjunction here, and then a dash to help the reader interpret the sentence easily:
...easily satisfied or frustrated, or passive -- especially those who ...

other managers have higher levels of ...

These two two types ...

This is impressive! It seems like it is going to be a meaningful study. So, what research method will you use? You are off to a good start.

:-)

Undergraduate / "why I shouldn't contribute to such atrociousness" - personal statement [5]

Commas:
There I was, lying ...
That's not something you see everyday, so ...

that was the last day I ever consumed the flesh of an animal, and it's been nearly three years since.


Nah!! Don't water down your message in order to placate the animal eaters! :-) That is kind of like ... well, compromising your principles.

This essay is very good. :-)

Undergraduate / "I arrived in New Delhi, fundaising" - significant experience [5]

Hey, I am sorry I did not get to help in time for submission, but I was just reading this and it made me want to mention how I was drawn into it by your intriguing style... the conversation with the old man, the phrase "excited and terrified"... I think you make a god impression and keep a strong presentation throughout this essay.

I would use "approached" instead of "came up to."

:-)

Undergraduate / "students and the best professors" - stanford a good place for me: teaching program [5]

Stanford is a gorgeous campus with outstanding students and the best professors No! Don't start with a bunch of meaningless pandering. Say something about YOUR goals so the reader can understand how Stanford, which is not the best school for everyong, is indeed the best school for you... and they will be impressed with your focus as you show the areas of compatibility.

. It is a place where the students can grow both educationally and professionally. all schools are.

Every program at Stanford is amazing, but what attracts me the most is the teaching program.
This is where the essay really begins:
I have been drawn to teaching ever since I began ...

Stanford's School of Education is what will help me succeed in becoming an excellent teacher for my future students. --This is excellent, because just after stating your intention, you connect it to Stanford. BUT, this sentence has no meaning. The same could be said of any program. SO... revise this PARAGRAPH TOPIC SENTENCE so that it will express an idea that, in a meaningful way, shows specifically why this is better than a different teaching program.

The new Teaching English Learners Studio program is also perfect because I want to focus on teaching English learners. --This is getting more impressive.

As a child growing up in an only spanish Spanish-speaking home, I didn't ...

non-English learners.
Stanford's alumni are among the most successful professionals in the world. They know this. So... stick to talking about your unique plan... so they can be inspired by it! :-)

Undergraduate / "Pokémon; I'll never be too old to do anything" - Princeton Supplement Option 4 [3]

It's good when the essayist gives some discussion in response to what other people have said about the essay (or at least acknowledge them!).

Use a hyphen with year-old.

This is great description, here: At that moment, I paused for a second and then continued to play; however, that question loomed over me for some time.

It sparked a profound idea. I think this sentence is superfluous.

Ack! I see how the quote is fitting, but.. it is confusing.. at the beginning of the essay, I guess I think it is better without the quote. But it is such a perfect quote for the essay! I don't know what to do; the quote is great because peter pan fits with your "never be too old for anything" theme. If word limits permit, I think you should keep the quote but precede the dialogue about the bad move with a brief intro that expresses succinctly the main message of the essay. In fact, you could even move the discussion with your aunt up to the beginning. That is good stuff.

Undergraduate / Why Northwestern Essay-past and future [3]

This is a good place to pluralize:
When I was little, my parents occasionally took me out on a weekend excursions to the campus of Northwestern University.

Don't include unnecessary/unhelpful words:
At Northwestern, I plan to major in anthropology and possibly have a minor or another major in molecular biology at the Weinberg College of Arts and Sciences. ---It is better to omit details and sacrifice some specificity for some memorability. :-)

I think you should use "quirky/quirkiness" only once, not twice... or it becomes too much of that quirky word.

Northwestern University provides the perfect balance of excellent---The ending is not memorable. That last paragraph should be revised to reinforce a cool theme, something memorable.

:-) When an essay is "memorable," people feel that it is "good."

Undergraduate / "Ty Lehman" - Influential people in my life.. My Best Friend Ty [4]

Ifit is possible to combine 2 sentences and retain all the meaning, do it, because that adds intensity:

influenced my life more than I thought anyone ever could in such a short amount of time. Not only do I consider Ty Lehman to be my best friend but also one of the most crucial elements to in the evolution of my personality.

I can cut out this part, because it goes without saying that anything that can influence your personality can influence your actions day to day--> and the way I go about my day-to-day life.

As our friendship began to bloom over the next year, I realized how much Ty was starting to affect my life. This sentence does not serve any important function in the essay. With every sentence of the essay, do something cool to the reader's state of mind, either by introducing a meaningful idea or by building meaningfully on the single, main idea of the paragraph.

One paragraph = one idea

:-)

Undergraduate / "Every facet..." - Why Northwestern? - Avoiding repetition? [4]

I love that intro! Smart humor is always impressive.. you are cool.

...and it is with that same those 25,369 'many ' applicants that I share a common allure to Northwestern. ---I understand why you had those words, but I think it is better without 'em. The sentence was hard to read. :-)!!

I challenge you to find an awesome way to say this... not so awkward ---> But the purpose is what I will do with these reasons.

.. a selection I have already made. And while I will embrace every aspect of Northwestern, I do not want this only for myself. I want to be a part of the progressive ... only unfold, but thrive. I hate to chop a lot of good writing, but look at what you actually SAY in the sentences at the end. They don't amount to anything. Each paragraph has to offer strong evidence to strengthen your case: you are hell bent on enacting a carefully devised, detailed plan.

:-) so.. add some nuts to the candy bar. Add some specific, short term goals, references perhaps to some articles written by professors in the department associated with your goals, real evidence that you have serious short term goals.

Undergraduate / "Living the everyday" - Common app essay [12]

I think this one is better. The other one does not strongly assert what you are all about... not as well as this one, I think. The other one starts with a 'life is a highway' cliche... and the last line of the first paragraph is not powerful.

I am always wondering why the unexpected is the imaginary.--I don't understand this part, though.

Somehow, someway I am speaking the words that are written through a way in which I understand what insinuates in a way that reflects the core of my personality.

You are too abstract, though. Don't use more than one abstract line per paragraph at the most, because abstract lines require a lot of explanation, and if you let even one abstract sentence go unexplained the writing is not so good.

Do you mean crossroads here? ---> "We are now at the crosshairs of limbo.

This essay can be great if you add explanations in place of abstractions and if you add a few strong sentences that boldly express your action plan in"no uncertain terms."

:-)

Undergraduate / "the use of Physics and Mathematics concepts" - MIT Department Essay [6]

We can shave off this first word:
Even Looking for explanation to about the ...

Try to avoid structures like this, where you put a giant phrase between the subject and verb: Just thinking that many lives can be saved if the quality of infrastructures increases and if the construction of anti-seismic buildings came to shine inspires me.--When I get to "inspires me," I am a little tripped up. I am inspired just thinking that many lives can be saved if the quality of infrastructures increases and if the construction of anti-seismic buildings came to shine.

Same here:
My path to a better world will form through extensive research in the so many labs found in this ...

:-)

Undergraduate / "Walking the Dog" - Yale/Harvard Supplement [6]


Careful, there... you started in the past tense and then switched to present.

Why end the 1st para with 'lots of rain'... ? How about ending it with a sentence that will help the reader to interpret what this is all about. You could add a sentence. Maybe I am wrong, though... there are no rules in art... but that last sentence of the first para is crucial.

They smile back at me as a thank you for walking them.--ha ha, I wish my dog had that kind of appreciation. My dog just pretends to be my friend so I'll feed her.

This is awesome description, awesome writing, but I wonder if you can make it all a big metaphor for something else, perhaps something related to your plan for the upcoming years?

:-)

Writing Feedback / Center Stage; The music has begun [6]

Strunk and white recommend a comma for a compound sentence -- Other stage hands are looking at you, but their...---however, your writing is really high quality stuff, so you do not need to follow conventions like that...

I get confused at the end of that first paragraph... sort of disoriented trying to follow the meaning.

The audience, is almost incidental.--This is a strange use of a comma... almost seems like an ellipsis would be more appropriate.

Her's is the more--I am pretty sure no apostrophe is necessary in hers... but I am not sure, now!

Wow, what the heck is the point of this? I mean, it is great, but is it a metaphor for something? You are a good writer, and I like the use of the second person perspective...

:-)

Undergraduate / Picture of becoming a doctor+a girl from a conservative society - Wisconsin Statement [6]


Awesome, that is the way to do it. I just spent 10 minutes trying to remember the name of this little musical duo for you...

Undergraduate / Academic Decathlon - CommonApp Extracurricular Short Answer [6]

Nice! Good call... :-)
Thanks for making me a little smarter.

Undergraduate / U of Maryland Supplements "First Year Book" and "What's your something" [4]

Hello YPan, I appreciate your high quality writing and feedback lately... thanks for being such a good example for other essayforum members.

comma:
in a highly competitive society, "only the paranoid can survive."

I don't think you are supposed to resonate with a book. The words in the book resonate with you (i.e. resound in your mind).

I resonate with t This book resonates with me not only because of my admiration of an eminent business leader ...

...but also because of my own experience. When I entered the academy as a freshman, I excelled in math because of the rigorous education I had received in China.

Let's get rid of this apostrophe:
On July 5, 2010, the Committee for Handling Proposals for the Chinese' Chinese Political Consultative Conference submitted ...

a survey to the mayor of Guangzhou, the third largest city, and a key transportation ...

When I heard of this news, I was stricken ...

The past tense of speed is sped:
... sped down the labyrinthine lanes, and napped in the leavy ?? parks.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Hours of arduous practice" - Common app - orchestra/violin [6]


Ha ha, that is cute. Well, the way my word proc. program works, if they appear together as one word they are counted only as one. Onstage can be one word, I think.

Here is a barely noticeable grammatical error:
Hours of arduous practice has have led to ...

:-)

Undergraduate / How to write a good private school admission essay(s). To brag about myself? [3]


Hi Julie, you can do this without bragging. Focus on your interest. Want to know what I like about myself? I am good at explaining things; I like that about myself because I feel a calling toward education as my field. I have a very bad sense of direction (and style, for that matter), but I am so glad that I am good at explaining things because what is most meaningful to me is the ability to help other people understand stuff.

So answer that question by sharing your aspirations and values with the reader.

Do not just say a general concept, like determined or stubborn. Put it in the context of your academic/professional plan.

For the second question... that is a tough one! I like to always suggest that in any essay you should let the ideas reflect the plan you have, your serious plan that is so meaningful and important to you. How can your plan be reflected in the way you accommodate a guest? :-) Depends what your plan is...

Undergraduate / "Biology has been a firefly to me" - Cornell Supplement essay [7]


Now THAT is a nice compliment...

Here is an idea I had for you:
Today, I find myself with too many questions and too little few answers.

Our backyard snake shedding its skin, Madonna giving birth to puppies, my typing tutor having twelve fingers---I am going to tell people about this essay so they can see examples of very intriguing details... I want to also suggest that you should put a comma not only before but also after the name "Madonna" above.

:-)

Undergraduate / "school's reputation and relationship with the city" -why I wish to apply to Syracuse [3]

I am looking for one main idea that the essay is going to express. I always look for one sentence that expresses that message. But in this essay, I can't find it. It usually can be found as the last sentence in the first paragraph...

as ranked second in the United States for undergraduate architecture---Is this your interest? I think you should try to highlight your interest and plan a little more.

:-)

Undergraduate / The issue of outsourcing software and call center jobs to India - commonapp [3]

This first sentence is written in an unnecessarily complex way. You can make it clearer like this:
The issue of outsourcing software and call center jobs to India by US companies has got me concerned. Companies want to cut costs by taking advantage of the cheaper and surplus, English speaking, highly skilled, labor in India to earn higher profits for the share holders of the company.---I think using 2 sentences instead of 1 makes it clearer.

fuelled --spelling

Hey, as I continue to read, I see that you can be a great, valuable member of essayforum. Thanks for participating! I'm impressed with your writing.

Capitalize in this situation:
Wise men say "If wishes were horses, even beggars would ride. it ".--I want to get rid of "it" because the sentence is better without it ;-)

Capitalize Internet.
ha ha, I like you style..

Undergraduate / Teaching Primary Children English - extracurricular activity (150 words!) [8]


Great job with the rhythmic writing here... When all those short sentences build intensity, and then you open up into these longer sentences, it is like going from Am to C major...

:-)
Is your username a reference to ender's game? I can't remember if I asked that before.

Undergraduate / "Engineering Complex"- Michigan: why engineering and why Michigan [5]

People notice grammar errors, but I want to point out that grammar is changing as the world goes through "globalization." People from various backgrounds are using English with different styles. Your way of using English absolutely reflects intelligence and confidence.

I think you DID answer the prompt question; I see that you give a lot of examples of things that appeal to you and draw you to thins school.

You have little errors like this:
The unique feeling of constructing new things is always attracts me.

This is excellent: By building my ideal construction, I also built a new me: a confidence confident girl with a lot of creative ideas. ----I just changed one word...

:-)

Undergraduate / "The traditional dogmatic Chinese education" - Why I transfer [3]

Let's make a change here at the beginning, too:
Like most Chinese students, I had got accustomed to the traditional, dogmatic education which coerced me into studying in a tedious class without much classroom interaction from elementary school to senior high school.

Can you specify what kind og engineering?---> As an engineering student, I firmly believe that I will have a more outstanding study, which is my objective, given that I am in such a lively and inspiring education environment.

You did well with this! It reflects your seriousness and intelligence.

Undergraduate / "Thoughts without content are empty, intuitions without concepts are blind." [6]

Were, not where. ---> "Thoughts without content are empty, intuitions without concepts are blind," were the words of Immanuel Kant. -----And I changed that period to a comma. Do you see why? It is quoted material, and then you wrote: , were the words of... --- so it is all part of the same sentence.

Is the essay argumentative? That depends on if people would disagree with this: In order for the world to make sense, we need to combine our two faculties; our senses and our mind.

I don't think people would disagree with that. That means it is not arguable, not argumentative. However, you can make it argumentative by changing the focus so that you actually make an assertion. For example, if you DRAW a conclusion based on this idea, it might be a conclusion some people disagree with. Write this in a way some people will disagree with, and it will be a perfect argumentative essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Pan Asian Community Service" - UPenn Huntsman on an international problem [3]

I don't like the word encompasses. I think a better word there would be affects or "is of concern to"...

At the end of the essay, it goes in the direction of abstraction and idealism, and I think in this essay, because the topic is an abstract concept, it is good to balance that with concrete examples and specificity at the end. You used dramatic sentences at the end of the essay, but I think the end of the essay should have clear, simple, organized suggestions for practical action that can be taken by a particular kind of person... narrow the focus to your essay's audience, and really be simple and specific at the end. That is the hardest thing... to offer real solutions.

:-)

Undergraduate / Supplements: Secret place + New Course + Unexpected things + Why our college? [4]


Something seems wrong with this title... Should it be Guidelines for Sensible Living... maybe? "Guidelines to" seems wrong to me. But I really like that essay. That is a good one.

I would want to omit the secret place essay, because that is least focused on your academic and professional PLAN, but it is so thoughtful that I don't want to have you get rid of it!

Nope, I guess number four is the one I want to vote off the island, ha ha. It does not really say anything. I mean, it does not really tell anything except that you ran into a problem.

But the other essays... all are opportunities for you to talk about short term goals and books you are currently reading to prepare you for your chosen field. That is the most important stuff to work into any essay, regardless of prompt.

:-)

Writing Feedback / 5 senses essay - "Why are you at Columbia Basin College?" [3]

Always look at the first few sentences of the essay, and see if they can bear its weight. Do not expect the reader to be disciplined and keep paying attention if the essay begins with boring sentences:

Many people go to college for many different reasons. This boring sentence has no place in the essay, especially not at the beginning.

Let's make this the first sentence:
Some go to college because they are tired of working at a hideous, crowded restaurant filled with ignorant customers that are impatient and rude. ---That is a very good intro sentence for an essay!

... where the sun always shines and the breeze is always warm.---This is kind of cool, but not good enough. End the first paragraph with a sentence that makes it clear that you have carefully planned your education and that you have some distinct, short-term goals.

.. to a four-year university and ...----Use a hyphen, and write four instead of 4.

Getting a degree doesn't just happen over night or a walk in the park No cliches! No statements of the obvious!

. It takes a lot of work, time, and dedication to be able to achieve.
At the end, long hours of class, and studying until your eyes cannot stay open no more with bags underneath them will pay off. ---This is obvious, too, but at least it is written in a clever way.

Getting a college education is the greatest thing I can do for myself. Kill all boring sentences! :-)

One last thing... use a colon:
Mine is pretty simple: go to ...
school, graduate, and enjoy life. ---Let's not have it be so simple. Let's have it be that you are constantly thinking about how to live well and contribute in this world, and that makes you have a lot of goals, which means your goals are complex. That is always more persuasive to the AO reader... I know that is just my opinion, but I think it's correct! :-)