Graduate / "The art of war teaches us" - Statement of Purpose for MS [3]

If you want people to help, go help other people who recently posted essays and ask them to return the favor.

This is a job for a colon, not a semi-colon:
...my higher education in Information Security: To enable this readiness inside and outside of me.

Time and effort if put together definitely leads lead to success. ---I corrected the grammar error, but I do not like the sentence, because it is too obvious to be interesting.

... I exploited a SQL Injection vulnerability which revealed sensitive data from the database. This experience in identifying and exploiting security vulnerabilities infused into my mind the love for security, and ----The way you wrote the intro makes it seem like this experience is supposed to be the theme of the whole essay. I think another sentence needs to be added to paragraph 1...

...aspired me to apply to the prestigious Carnegie Mellon University Information Networking Institute's (CMU-INI) Master's Degree in Information Security Technology Management (MSISTM) program. (Add a sentence that gives the essay a theme, some memorable phrase that they can use to help them remember you).

Paragraph 2:
I have excelled in academics

In conclusion, I would like to add that the essence of University education lies in a synergy between the student and his department. ----Truisms like this are not helpful. And this sentence has little to do with the rest of the essay... I" feel that graduate study at your University will be the most logical extension of my academic pursuits and a major step towards achieving my objectives as a Software Security Expert." This has nothing to do with your assertion that you can have synergy with this school. "I believe an MS, and then a PhD, followed by some research experience is the way to go in order to realize my vision." These sentences do not have much to do with that first sentence of the conclusion paragraph. The first sentence of any paragraph should usually express an idea that is the main idea covered in the paragraph. And the first sentence of each paragraph should also somehow relate to the main theme/message of the essay.

Your experiences and preparedness are impressive; so... keep in mind, I am critiquing the essay's structure, not your merit as a student. I think any AO reader would be impressed!

Writing Feedback / Theory of Knowledge: Evidence to support beliefs [2]

I think every area of knowledge required requires a varied amount of evidence.

Ethics is also an abstract area of knowledge, because ...

Don't forget the apostrophe: based on a person's ...

intuitive perspective, so no evidence would not be necessary (rephrase) to support someone's beliefs.

You gave great examples, and your style of writing is enjoyable to read. I think the next way to improve this is to fill that candy bar with nuts. A candy bar with nuts is very substantial. The way to make an essay like nutty candy is to fill with with citations of various research studies and books, etc. Even if that is not required in this project, it can help very much. You should always cite strong sources of info during any argument, even an argument with your roommate.

:-)

Undergraduate / "soccer and running" - Princeton Supplement Summer [4]

According to Strunk and White, you should use a comma for a compound sentence:
Sweat trickled down my face, and I wheezed and coughed with every breath.

This sentence does not need a comma because it is not a compound sentence:
I immediately stopped running and tried to catch my breath. ---It would be a compound sentence if you wrote "I" again in the second half.

hyphen: two-mile

You have some very well-structured sentences:
Having met freshmen through summer soccer, I was able ...

You used while twice, awkwardly:
Last summer while I rejuvenated terminally ill kids while ...rejuvenated is probably not the best word, either.

:-)

Undergraduate / "A Different Road" - Common App Essay [9]

I think it's better to write two-year (with a hyphen).

Report card arriving days usually weren't that were never big of a deal, because my sister and I alike never had a hard time in school.

missing an apostrophe: "Its whatever."

In order to become the great, successful lawyer I want to be, ---in order to do that, study Strunk and White. You should use a comma after each adjective if there are more than one in a row.

Life is all about choices, and I am determined to take the high road.---cliches weaken writing, and you ended with two in a row.

The problem with this is that you seem like such a goodie-goodie, such a conformist, and worst of all, so judgmental of your sister, who went through a very common process. In fact, the AO reader also probably went through a process like your sister did. So, something is missing if you have such a simplistic way of explaining the situation. I bet your grades have always been slightly higher than hers, haven't they? You have to look deep at details like that. ;-)

Undergraduate / UVA Supplement Essays - College of Arts and Sciences and "The Dumbest Generation" [4]

If you can avoid ending a sentence with a preposition, that will be better:
...to believe in things about which I was not certain. about . However, as I found myself finishing "The Things They Carried", Do put titles of books or films in " " marks. Italicize them.) The Things They Carried, I was overwhelmed with perplexing emotions.

Do not give the reader every little bit of info. Let the reader put 2 and 2 together:
Tim O'Brien the author of the novel, conveys the...---Also, I put "convey" in the present verb tense. If you think it is unclear that he is the author... I think you should do this at the beginning:

However, as I found myself finishing Tim O'Brien's The Things They Carried, I was ...

Excellent... what I feel is perhaps the greatest truth. Yep... subjective experience is all...

The Things They Carried challenged me to ...
Instead of the title, use the author's name... O'Brien challenged me to ...

:-)

Undergraduate / "carry out operation CAR" - Extracurricular Short Answer. [2]

I had o One goal motivated me to stay in the college office every afternoon and free period: to carry out operation CAR.

CAR stood for College Admission Report - the name of something possibly unspeakable. --ha ha, nice job... that made me laugh...

The data to determining people's futures was in at my fingertips: SAT scores, grade point averages, and rankings. My job was to put this information with the schools to which these individuals applied and record their end results.

:-)

Undergraduate / "our most outrageous diva poses" -HPY - Meghan has had a significant influence [5]


You have some very cool sentences... great to read. This is a really nice writing style.

I think you can come up with a better word than bam at the start. You can get the same effect with a word that perhaps contains more meaning. You can even use a short sentence. Try different alternatives, because I think bam does not work.

Even if though Meghan is four years younger than me, her opinion is equally as valuable.

All this amounts to a lesson you learned about leadership. That means my advice is like this: Try condensing the meaning and all excellent sentences of this essay into an anecdote near the beginning of a new essay. Compress all the great writing here into one awesome paragraph, and let all the meaning of this essay be contained in that small amount of writing. That way, you can use this as a "jumping off" point and develop the theme in any way you want.. perhaps making connections to your field of academic interest.

:-)

Graduate / getting involved + stay in France and Switzerland - Peace Corps Application Essays [3]

People often use hyphens for this sort of thing:
soon-to-be college graduate, I find ...

When you begin some quoted material, capitalize the first word of the sentence:
But at the closing of my collegiate career I find myself asking, "What is the purpose of my life?" and, "How can I bring fulfillment into my life?" In the...------ see the changes I made there.. I added a comma and a question mark...

My past experiences have helped help me prepare for this commitment and...---I took out words just to have fewer words. Fewer words always improves the essay.

... the other expectations. this part confuses me. I think you can write something better than "the other expectations."

In the second essay, you wrote very clearly and interestingly, but I think you should try to make the first sentence of each paragraph more interesting. If you look at your essay and see paragraphs with first sentences that would be boring on their own, you should try to add a new element to those sentences so that they support the thesis (main idea) in an interesting way.

:-)

Graduate / Speech Pathology, to communicate with loved ones - Graduate School Essay [2]

Her battle with dementia resulted with in impaired communication due to her deteriorating mental capabilities. It's probably best to chop of the end of this sentence, because it is obvious. Just let the sentence end with "communication."

Here is another place to chop some unnecessary words:
My favorite Memories I cherish of my grandmother were the ...

or
My favorite memories of are of times times when we would look ...

... made it obvious how the importance of imperative the function o f communication and the significant significance of its role in our lives.
Above, the thing is... your job as the writer is to be efficient so that you do not force the reader to cognitively process more words than necessary. The best writing gets a big effect with even small amounts of words.

Communicating not only allows us to maintain relationships and make new ones but it also enables us to express our wants, needs and thoughts. Here is an example.Do not include statements of the obvious.

... influenced my decision of aspiring to become a speech-language pathologist. ---Excellent, this is the most important thing. The reader knows you are committed to this calling toward speech language pathology, because you have a real motive...

Very good stuff!

Undergraduate / "passion for animals" - Clark Supplement [6]

While some Some humans may argue that one person giving up meat makes no difference, but I am understood by Milou, my shelter dog, and Limpi, my street cat. They understand that the way to change the world is ______________. -----Maybe that will help you!!

This is great! I think you should add one sentence to each paragraph to highlight clearly how your actions were in opposition to the conventions... it is pretty clear, but I think you can make it clearer... and it will be good if you use the word 'convention" at least once in the essay.

:-)

Writing Feedback / Leadership and ethics.Situation you have dealt with these issues and influenced you [5]

Don't use though and but in the same sentence:
Though I am used to these situation now,but i recall one of the most testing challenging times at the very beginning. ---Also, capitalize the word "I"

Above, I put an s at the end of time. The way to write "one of the times" is like this:
I recall one of the most challenging times I tried to make money.
Use an s when you do that. :-)

After I was assigned the responsibility role of Key Account Manager expectations were very high from my superiors.

Always capitalize the word I: However I stood ...

The complete exercise not only helped me to liquidated liquidate the receivables and mitigate the negative EBIT but...

:-)

Graduate / patient satisfaction of performance of triage nurse in health centers. [2]


This sounds like a good topic, but it needs to be more specific.

If you want help to understand reliability and validity for your research design, I need to know what kind of research design you are using.

If you are using a survey design, you can find some great information by googling this: survey, research design, validity, reliability

The "reliability" is the extent to which you can get the same results by repeating the study over and over.
The "validity" is the extent to which the study measures what it is supposed to measure.

Some more good things to google are below:
participant bias
researcher bias
validity vs. reliability

Good luck!!!

Book Reports / Essay on fixations with the past relating to Gatsby and Hamlet ! [2]

This is a great approach. "Holding on to the past" is a broad theme, and I predict that you will narrow the theme of the paper based on the examples you find. Just start writing body paragraph. Write a paragraph that begins with a paragraph topic sentence. For each paragraph, you have a topic sentence that shows the folly of clinging to the past.

After writing a lot of body paragraphs, you'll write an intro paragraph that ends in a thesis statement that expresses the unique kind of clinging to the past that occurs in Gatsby and Hamlet.

In the conclusion, you will go beyond that theme and add "something extra" for the reader to take away.

Do not brainstorm. Skim through the readings and wait for ideas to come to mind. Skim through the readings with the theme of the essay in mind, and you will notice every example -- and some good quotes, too!

Undergraduate / "Emory's culture and my character" - why Emory? [3]

Not only does the school eagerly offer all kinds of supports for students with different backgrounds, but also do the students participate in Volunteer Emory to give back to the community.

I think this giving spirit perfectly fits my personality. I grew up with a caring heart which taught me to help others whenever I could. (let's cut this sentence and choose to "show, not tell")

I helped my peers solve friendship and study issues by giving advice. I also helped some local orphans get out of misery by communicating with them heart-to-heart. ---Awesome! We need more people like you. I added some hyphens to heart-to-heart.

Let's add s here: from class meetings to excursions.

All these experiences helped to equip me with the strong leadership ability, but I still got have so much to learn.
:-)

Graduate / PhD degree at computer vision [2]


There have been lots. Don't forget that lots is still a plural noun, even though we use it to mean "much."

Here is another grammar problem: Computer Vision is the application field where science and reality intersects intersect...

the most natural way to justify my passion---You are not using these words to express things they actually express. Justify means something different than what you are using it to mean.

Despite of endless challenges it involves, what would change human life Hands on experience in real time applications, accompanied ... The H is incorrectly capitalized... and then the sentence became unclear. You should revise this one.

Actually, you should revise the whole intro paragraph. The rest of the essay is impressive and shows that you have a strong foundation for this process you are about to start. I just don't like the intro. In a case like this, the good thing to do is reread the rest of the essay, ask yourself what it all adds up to, and then write an INSPIRED intro.

I have a feeling you wrote the intro before the rest of the essay was written, and that is usually a bad idea. Whenever you start to write something, let it be a body paragraph. Always plan to write an intro afterward, when you already are familiar with your essay.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Rorschach, from the graphic novel Watchmen" - NYU Supplement [11]


Yeah, you probably do not have the options, so don't worry. And yes, italicization is the way to go, not underlining. Underlining titles is something we used to do back before typewriters were replaced by word processing.

The essay is good, and it can be better if it somehow reflects your career interest... for example, this would be great if you were going into public service, such as crim. justice or politics, etc., and you can use this opportunity to reinforce to the reader your dedication to such service.

:-)

Undergraduate / "studying Algebra or Modern Harmony" - Why Duke? Trinity College of Arts Sciences [3]

Missing a t:
exotic mater, ...

Another typo: For exmaple,

Also, the offerings in Applied Music would give me a chance to continue struggling with my saxophone while studying Algebra or Modern Harmony.---You end abruptly if you end with a statement like this. You should end by expressing again that main theme of the essay. I say "again," because the main idea of each paragraph should support some main theme/message of the essay. That is how to have good structure. It is not difficult; just ask yourself, "What do all these points add up to? What is my personal theme?"

:-)

Undergraduate / "a Chinese girl playing on a volleyball team" - Stanford: Intellectual Virtality [7]


Change to "noticed," so the verb tense will be consistent.

This essay is great. Take heart! Those guys making fun of the language are nevertheless very impressed by the culture, as evidenced by their decision to watch a martial arts movie!

:-)

Undergraduate / "I was ten-years-old when my parents informed me.." Rochester essay [3]


This part above is the most important part of the essay. All the sentences that precede it are good, but the most important part is when you get here, to the end, where you share the insight you gained.

This is confusing: I recognized that when people disregarded other languages or cultures, it simply placed more barriers.----it is too obvious to say barriers result when people disregard. You should try to make this sentence perfectly express your most important insight.

Also, try to add a sentence that shows how the lesson you learned can help you in your career.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Every time I think of my grandmother" - Short Answer + Personal Essay [6]

...Being with the children everyday after school (2 words ) can be a little hard, but through this experience I tested my patience. Going from calculus to kindergarten 's kindergarten math really made a hit to challenged my patience.

The second essay has an incredibly well written introduction paragraph. At the end of that paragraph, you should give a sentence that succinctly tells the reader why she influenced you so much, and that way the reader will know the message of the essay while reading the story.

:-)

Undergraduate / "Friendly Envy" - Common Application [3]

I think it would be good to add one more sentence to the end of that first paragraph, and make it a thesis statement that expresses the main idea of the whole essay.

Also... In my childhood, I was jealous of a friend of mine, Mark, who could very easily have been the dictionary example of "privileged."--Use " " marks to show that you are referring to the word.

I don't think you can use "alter" the way you used it. You should just use the word "change"...

This grief allowed enabled him to understand the true importance of the people who love him over the things with which he enjoyed playing.

:-)

Undergraduate / "we at least share a commitment to academic excellence" Dear Roomate- Stanford [6]

Kevin stands up and cheers, startling his laptop and almost giving it a heart attack.

This is great writing. You succeeded, and the reason I know you succeeded was because you wrote something that is truly enjoyable to read, which is so uncommon with this kind of essay. Awesome...

For the simile, you have to connect it to something from previous in the essay! I mean, you have to use a nount (grow on you like XXXXX) something you already mentioned in the essay. Don't forget, you can use an alternative to "grow on you" if necessary.

:-)

Undergraduate / Rather Have One Of What He Worked....Nine Of It Given To Him~~Common App Essay [3]

Grandfather should not be capitalized in that first line. It is not a proper noun when you use it that way.

I thought this was written by someone who had no idea what he was talking about. ---Ha ha ha, you did a good job with this sentence.

wondering what my introductory quote had to do with anything. ---here is another great part.. I really like your writing style.

Let's connect these with a dash:
most prized possession -- the possession I worked for.

And technically, it is supposed to be like this:
most prized possession -- the possession for which I had worked hard.

Undergraduate / "prejudice or bias towards another group of people" Short Villanova Essay [4]

This is a kind of run on sentence called a "comma splice."
When you prematurely judge another person, you don't define them, you define yourself.
You should fix it with a semi-colon:
When you prematurely judge another person, you don't define them; you define yourself.

Your writing is great! That first para is a little too simplistic in its theme, though. I think you can add one more sentence to that first para to make it better. I think COURAGE is an important theme in this essay, because you need to have courage to avoid letting uncertainty and complexity make you prejudge people.

I think you write very well! You vary your sentence length, write with correct grammar, and it is very rhythmic and clear.

Undergraduate / "Computer laboratories, Aerospace engineering" - qualities that attract me UMich [3]

Use a comma for a compound sentence:
These are the main attributes I look for in a school, and the University of Michigan has them to offer.---This sentence has a couple cliches... "look for in a" and "has them to offer"

I think maybe you can revise this sentence so that it takes the reader a step further instead of just mentioning that you look for those attributes. You can add a new dimension to the sentence.

An important factor that I look for in a school is the opportunity to study abroad, and the University of Michigan has just that.----Again, here, the meaning of the sentence is kind of simple. You can add intensity to the essay by saying something a little more specific and astute here, a meaningful observation.

The School of Engineering attracts individuals with a common goal of succeeding, and being surrounded by these individuals will motivate me even more to reach my maximum potential and become an upstanding engineer. ---This sentences... I added a comma, but actually I do not like this sentence because it uses a lot of words to say something simple. Also, it awkwardly uses "individual" twice in a row.

The whole essay is clear but not profound... it's just a little too simple. It is strong because id demonstrates clear thinking and good writing, but I think you can do even better if you add an excellent concept as you revise.

Undergraduate / "From journalism to fashion and traveling to film" - UPenn Supp. Essay :) [7]

From journalism to fashion and traveling to film, I've been continuously exploring my varied interests to find that ideal subject to build my career on to positively impact the world. However, After discovering UPenn, I realized I didn't have to sacrifice one of my passions for another. Whether I studying abroad at----Sometimes you need to cut out the uninspired first sentence so that the first impression is made on the reader by the excellent second sentence. Above, that is my suggestion for you.

With a double major in ---oh, you did such an excellent job with this paragraph.. very good!

Let's not use the "From---> To" form here: From Receiving advice through the College Alumni Mentoring Series, strengthening ...

With a minor in Journalistic Writing or Comparative Literature, I hope to amplify my writing voice and skills while I apply newfound knowledge to practical training in the real world. ---Too many adjectives! You should read Strunk and White, and also read On Writing by Stephen Kind. Those 2 books are so important for someone with your double major...

:-)

Alright, pretty good! This is a strong essay, and they are stupid if they don't accept you!

Graduate / Community relations in sports is vital and undervalued - SOP [2]

Right here, the end of this sentence should be simplified and clarified:
...have an effect on my eagerness to finish school . (Just say something simple and clear)

My work as a recreational specialist reinforces my future career route. ---I think you mean it reinforces your confidence in your decision... not the route, the confidence.

In my recruiting internship, learning to enhance the careers of others made me realize

many fans show acknowledgment but turn their heads away from personal action.

Branding of a message with the same athlete, why is the course of actions pushed by the two messages not received equally?---This part is not so clear!

Well, you have a very impressive background (and writing style). I think the reason you are worried about the 'flow' is that you do not use the paragraph topic sentences to reinforce the main idea of the essay. I think the main idea is something about the message you mentioned in that first paragraph. If the first sentence of every paragraph expresses the topic of the paragraph in a way that supports the thesis statement, it will be very strong.

How about putting an adjective before the word message and then using that as a memorable phrase that appears in both the intro and conclusion?

:-)

Undergraduate / "Uganda Nights" - Common App Personal [2]

I think by is a better preposition here than around:
The night was cold, and the monkeys had quieted down when I went to sit around by the fire. --I added a comma, too!

This part is unclear: We sat in silence staring into the transient flames when I finally asked him what was on my mind

I want to change it like this:
We sat in silence staring into the transient flames when I finally asked him the question that had been on my mind...

It is really confusing that you did not say who he was in the beginning of the essay. I think it will be better to tell who he is at the outset. I was thinking it was your father...

Anyway, this is a very strong essay! It really captured my attention. Right here, though, I advise you to sharpen it up.--> to expand my knowledge and experiences in college so that I can truly give back in a meaningful way and make a difference in the lives of others.----This needs to say something very specific about what you want to do. It should not be vague; it should state a real goal that the reader will find interesting.

:-)

Graduate / Personal factors to strenghten consideration of application for MBA program [2]

Each of the three sections needs an answer that begins with an awesome sentence. The first sentence of each answer should be so meaningful that it could be the only sentence if it wanted to be.

For example, revise this sentence so that it expresses some unique, interesting idea:
I have been a part of various clubs in both my school and college days. When you read the rest of that first answer, what message does it all add up to? What is the real meaning? You have to be feeling inspired and creative when you give this awesome sentence.

The second essay also needs to have its first sentence infused with meaning. Just because you use the word "forte" doesn't mean the sentence is meaningful. You can say those 2 have been your forte, but you also have to add some words to make the sentence express a unique idea. Wait for inspiration to come! :-)

I like the first sentence here: Interest, aptitude and the personality are the three major factors that decides a persons success in any field. --This sentence gets the essay off to a meaningful start.

The first sentence is always most important...

Undergraduate / (a MN with ANP option) application for masters in nursing [2]




Here are the parts of the essay. Although they do not say it, the way to make this great is to talk about an experience that raised questions that pertain to your research interests. You need to do some research for grad school, so think of an experience that left you reflecting on an AREA OF NURSING PRACTICE that you think needs more research, and area in which you think questions are still unanswered.

Try to think of a situation that involved a PROBLEM that could perhaps be solved through RESEARCH. To get ideas, Google this: causal correlative research design

Google this: nursing research methods qualitative
Google this: nursing research design

After reading about research design... think of an experience that represents an area in which nurses need more theory to guide their practice.

:-)
Welcome to EssayForum!

Undergraduate / "my success in math and chemistry" the subjects in which you excel or have excelled. [2]

I believe that m Motivation, determination, and hard-work lead enabled me to excel in all my classes. My success was also facilitated by my teachers. Their encouragement, dedication, and enthusiasm towards learning attributed contributed to my success in math and chemistry.

Personally, I learn by visualization and through examples especially when it comes to math. ---This sentence intrigues me, but I think you should use it as the beginning of a new paragraph. It seems to be about a different subject, so give it its own paragraph.

I believe that if a teacher uses teachers who use their white boards or even chalk board are the best kinds of teacher because they help students visualize the problem and the solution.

You clearly are a very intelligent and serious student! Can this essay be longer? I think you should try to use 3 paragraphs, and make it longer. :-)

Undergraduate / "seeking to major in classical voice" - Reasons for Transferring and Objectives [4]

Why did you choose to focus the first paragraph on the privileged background? Why not focus on sharing your inspiration with the reader? Decide what experience you want to give the reader, and revise the intro with that in mind.

I am confident that the vocal instruction given at both institutions will allow me to gain the kind of skills to serve in any environment.---This goes without saying. Don't include any statements of the obvious. Make every sentence purposeful.

This last sentence is really nice, but I'll cut one word from it:
I would be thankful to be accepted into either one of those programs in order that I become serviceable to the world around me while being able to do what brings me happiness.

Undergraduate / "Follow the Leader" - Need help on Common App Essay [4]


This is a cliche and should be removed.
The bold sentence looks good to me.
Well, it turns out that the dangers of hydroplaning are not as irrelevant as I had thought. --This sentence is really cool.

I think you should be confident in this. Sorry, I know you probably already submitted. If you work with this essay again, though, I think you should give a little more discussion about the wisdom you gained from it. be specific about the insight you gained and how it affects the way you think about other things. That is where the essay becomes unique and interesting.

Undergraduate / The October Preformance--Common App essay [3]

Backstage the only audible thing sound was that of soft tuning.

...with my exhale, I begun began to play the Adagio Cantabile.

As we ripped through the chords----Wow, this is good writing. Also, if the reader is a musician she will recognize some of your observations that reflect deep understanding.. such as playing through a mistake with gusto and guts. You made me a better musician with this essay!

I do have a good suggestion, even though this is already impressive. It has to amount to more than just, "Wow, what a concert to remember." It has to have meaning that extends beyond the appreciation of an experience like this. You are talking about a meditative state of mind, and that is something that can have significance beyond just the concert. You can make it so that all the power of this essay is used to share sme subtle truth, some important concept. Introduce a THEME at the beginning and then express it again at the end. If you give this a memorable theme, it will be even better. Can you express the idea of this essay in a single sentence?

Writing Feedback / Student, not teachers or administrators, should be in control of their own education [4]

Great job here... I'll identify some erors:
Who is better at the decision for education? Is it the student, or is it the teacher?

Education plays a very important role in everyone's future.

Our teachers know what is good for us. very well then us. Let's discuss more by using some examples,

PRACTICE THE CORRECT WAY 10 times for each sentence. Type each sentence 10 x adn speak each sentence 10 x to practice the correct grammar, and you will remember! :-)

As goin Furthermore, in high school the students have no idea about the importance of education in their lives.

Because the students are young, they cannot make the right decisions.

Teachers do not have any idea about games, but the child can easily suggest what game will have be more fun for them.

So in the same way teachers and the administration have more idea about educational decisions.

:-)

Undergraduate / the Senior Capstone Program in Engineering, technical expertise - Why Olin? [8]

This is a great discussion. About that detail with "never heard of it," I suggest asking yourself what role it plays. Always be mindful of your purpose, your envisioned outcome.

I don't see anything useful in the whole first paragraph. I'll keep reading until I get to the part that affects me as a reader...

HERE!! I am happy to say that what I discovered --This is the first good sentence, and it really is a good one! "I am happy..." that is a powerful way to start an essay because of the way it affects the reader's subconscious mind.

Let's not use a cliche: I am a firm believer in .. .
In fact, let's not state that we are a firm believer in integrity.. let's let that go without saying.

This is a strong essay!

Undergraduate / A Rooftop Garden+Back to NYC+Why Communications-NYU Supplement [3]


Ha ha, great word choice. The first sentence should always smack the reader.


If you use the word figure after the sexy comment, it seems like the essay is all about her figure.
I like the first one, 'make them like me,' because it is more thoughtful. Great choice!! You know, Tina Fey is a role model for all people, not just girls. :-)

:-)

Grammar, Usage / "I see the man with sunglasses" - Help Paragraph Formatting + Dialogue? [3]


"Right after this is where I would do a paragraph break," said Kevin. "Paragraph breaks are often used with dialogue to help improve clarity. You do a new paragraph break for every new speaker."

"Doesn't that mean you will have to do a lot of paragraph breaks?" Ziran asked.
"Yep."
Ziran was not convinced. "Why can't it all be in one paragraph?"
"It can," Kevin replied, "but it is a common practice to do a paragraph break each time --"
"Each time there is a new speaker?" Ziran suggested.
"That's right."

Undergraduate / "A Progressive Environment" - What I find most appealing about Columbia [4]


When I get here, I am feeling really impressed with the way you proved your familiarity with the school (because that shows your seriousness), and then I am glad you mentioned something about your particular career interest. But... is this statement really true? If there is another place you could find similar resources, name it and say why you choose Columbia instead.

Overall I think you really did an awesome job with this... it's very, very strong. To make it even better, give a bit more detail about your specific interests in science and engineering.

Undergraduate / "Community & Pizzazz" - Chapman Supplement [4]

Take out all the nonspecific stuff:
incredible prestige, location, areas of study, and campus
We're motivated, and filled with pizzazz,
Do not start the essay with this stuff, or the reader will immediately begin to skim instead of really paying attention.

They are looking for specifics. They want to know if you have made yourself aware of how their program for your chosen field compares to other programs at other schools.. and if you have given enough thought to your future, enough so that you have detailed ideas about what you want.

So... get specific with your plan, and let that plan be reflected in the essay. :-)