Undergraduate / tulane essay, rough and needs critique! [2]


Nope. That's not going to work.

In fact, I have some serious reservations about the whole essay. It's clear that this really was a significant event in your life, but how does this touching anecdote show that you will be a good student who will contribute to the university? It's a question you might want to think about as you decide how you wish to revise the essay.

Undergraduate / UPenn: Page 217 of Autobiography starts with an incomplete sentence [2]

What do you want this essay to say about you? You need to pick a quality that you want the admissions officers to know about you, then write an essay that demonstrates it. This doesn't really say anything about you in that respect, and so you should probably start over.

Undergraduate / "track and cross country" - another fsu Vires, Artes, Mores essay [2]


I don't care. Pick something and start talking about it instead of opening with this.


Great. So you're a dilettante who lacks the patience and decisiveness necessary to be successful in a single field of intense study? Why would you say this about yourself in an admissions essay?


And this has to do with the prompt, how, exactly?


Your body paragraphs are much better than your introduction. Still, you should avoid ending on a negative note, as you do in this sentence. Revise your essay with a view to getting rid of anything that could possibly be taken as casting you in a negative light, and your essay will be much stronger.

Undergraduate / The Latin word "Mores" figuratively represents the glue that holds me together [4]


I already don't like this essay. General, vague, and mostly uninformative opening statement. You need a better hook than this.


Ugh. And it continues.


Okay, I'm at the end of your first paragraph, and all I know is that you are going to talk about how you possess Vires, Artes, and Mores, which I already knew because of the prompt. You have just caused me to waste precious time reading something that told me nothing new. Grr . .. .


Your body paragraphs seem more promising, but still too vague. What sort of character? What specific traditions?


Which youth groups? What events?


What morals? What teachings?

And so on. Go through your essay and expand in much more narrative detail on the points you are trying to make. If this makes your essay begin to seem too long, then simply pick one of the three and write an essay on that one virtue.

Undergraduate / My first memorable experience into the realm of science - general medicine essay [10]

The essay is okay. You don't have any problems with grammar or style, and you use narrative anecdotes to demonstrate your points with specific details. If there is anything wrong with it at all, it's that it reads very matter-of-factly. There is no great sense that you are passionate about the field, only solidly interested in it. I could be a bit biased, though. I've read a lot of admissions essays on this site recently, and someone going into a medical field because a relative got injured or became sick is fairly common, as is the general desire to help people that you reference part way through your essay.

Undergraduate / My relationship with my grandparents had always been rough. Common app essay [10]

Here are some grammatical fixes to get you started:

"During these kinds of conversations, I had always stayed quiet because I had nothing to say."

"Since bragging about gifts is a privilege, and it shows how much you are loved and how special you are to your family, I had thought maybe I'm just was not good enough to be loved by them to receive gifts ."

"My relationship with my paternal grandparents had always been rough,. This is because I am a girl born into a traditional Chinese family." The last part of this sentence sounds odd, because of the tense shift. You might want to change the "am" to "was." I don't think anyone will become confused and think you somehow aren't still a girl if you do so, and it will read better.

Graduate / LSE MSc ECONS Application Personal Statement [5]

They're asking for 600-900 words, whereas you hit almost 1200. So, you need to shorten this by quite a bit. Fortunately, there is quite a bit you have that can be cut without hurting your application.

For instance, your first paragraph essentially says that you are an economics student who is interested in economics. Your application for a MSc in Economics sort of makes that self-evident. You could probably reduce that entire paragraph to a single sentence, if not cut it altogether.


Um, The Wealth of Nations was first published in 1776. It is not therefore "contemporary" by any meaning of the word that I know. It could, however, be described as "modern," under some definitions of the term, though even that might be confusing.


The two negatives here are confusing, and I am not sure that the sentence actually makes sense.

Most of your fourth paragraph seems eminently expendable.


As are sentences like these.

Overall, then, your essay is fairly solid. Cut it down to about half its length, trying to fix minor errors of the sorts I pointed out above as you go, then repost for more feedback.

Undergraduate / 'visit to Victoria hospital' - ucas medical personal statement [2]


You already used a similar phrase in your first paragraph. Try not to repeat things like this too close together.


I don't think "sensible" is the right word here . . .


This paragraph is unnecessary, as your transcript should tell the admissions officers most of this anyway. Also, shorter statements are better than longer ones, given how many they have to plow through.

Hmmmm . . . I see. The rest of your paragraphs are also pretty much irrelevant to your application, and read like a summary of your resume. I'm guessing you probably listed most of this elsewhere on your application, but even if you didn't, none of it really has any bearing on your ability to be a good medical student. I'd replace the second half of your essay with a discussion of what you hope to accomplish in the medical field.

Undergraduate / I remember the day when my interest in computers began; PS Computer Science transfer [3]


That is clearly a bald-faced lie, which is the very worst type of lie. Your essays are both very well-written, with solid grammar and a clear and pleasing writing style. You answer the prompts clearly and with plenty of specific details. The only problem I have with either of them is in finding something critical to say about them, which isn't usually an issue for me.

"The process of being able to start with an idea and create a functional, logical, and efficient computer program to solve real-life problems is incredibly satisfying t o me"

Undergraduate / virginia tech admission essay- I need help cutting it down [5]

I slammed the front door behind me as I dashed down my driveway. I didn't know where I was headed, and I didn't care; I just wanted to get away. Tears distorted my vision and anger pulsed through every vein in my body. She had hurt me; the one person I cared most about, my mother, had let me down. My life was changing drastically and I was clinging to any source of stability I could grasp. But there was nothingfelt I had no source of stability to cling to. I walked fiercely over the autumn leaves that blazed red and orange against the pavement, like the blistering emotions burning inside of me. I sat down when I reached a cleared field at the top of my street, out of breath. I began reminiscing on the past couple of months. How did I get to this point? I wondered.


This sounds strange. I assume you mean you discovered she had been having an affair with him *before* the divorce, or else it wouldn't be infidelity, but the time indicators you mention don't actually make this clear.

"Along with taking up infidelity, She had also picked up his habit of drinking alcohol excessively.begun drinking heavily. "

"I have continued to do well in school since then . following this time period in my life. "

You open with a narrative frame, and it seems odd to me that you don't come back to it in the conclusion at all. I don't know if other readers will feel the same way, though.

Writing Feedback / how to tie back to thesis in formal essay? [2]

Hmmmm . . . notice your account has been suspended. I'm guessing you weren't giving useful feedback on other people's essays, so you can't reasonably expect to get any yourself.

Research Papers / topics for research in corporate social responsibility & Employee relations [5]

Well, how do you define corporate social responsibility? Do you believe that a corporation's level of social responsibility affects the way its employees react in the workplace? Is this dependent upon the type of corporation and/or the level of the employee? If so, what factors determine these differences?

Undergraduate / 'Youth pastor' - UF Essay - meaningful event/experience [3]

Your essay is decently written and on-topic. It focuses on a specific event that clearly did mean something to you.

That said, you should be aware that focusing on an event of a religious nature may not endear you to admissions officers at a secular university (obviously not a problem if you are applying to a religious university). Also, whether you stick with this topic or not, you will need to add more to cover the second part of the prompt:


You don't say much about this at the moment, and what you do say is pretty weak.

Undergraduate / hopefully it is crazy enough to work ... penn state personal statement [9]

Yes, your essay does not treat the topic with the seriousness and respect it deserves. Try writing something with more depth to it, then reposting.

Undergraduate / There are two things that I love about life - UMD essays [4]

The first essay is pretty good. The idea you describe has been done before, of course, but there is something fascinating about the concept.

The second essay needs more work. Essentially, you lack experience, and plan to gain it by continuing to live. That doesn't exactly make you stand out from every other applicant, except in a bad way when you are compared to students who have had to overcome adversity to get to the point where they could apply themselves. Perhaps you could rewrite the essay to focus on a specific sort of experience you lack that you have a specific plan to gain?

Undergraduate / 'A new electrical plug' - UIUC Essays (Academic Interests/Activity) [3]

Your first essay seems to do what you need it to do. I say seems, because it has been a long time since I studied physics, and so I have no idea if what you are saying makes any sort of real sense. Assuming it does, though, you are specific enough that your answer is solid. One grammatical thing, though:

Since then, I have been fascinated about science and how electricity works.


Since the blind buskers were young? Remember, introductory clauses always modify the first noun after the comma, whether you intend them to or not.


"her?" Normally pronouns refer back to a noun. I don't see anything this could refer back to, here.


"boosted," you mean.


This doesn't seem to connect that well to the rest of your essay.

Graduate / Medicine has been my dream career; PA School Personal Statement [2]

Breaking this up into several smaller paragraphs would help a lot, I think. Beyond that, try writing more concisely while using stronger verbs. For instance:

"Upon entering college, supporting myself financially became necessary.I supported myself bywas able to working in a few scientific labs under a mentor as a Lab Assistant. I also had the opportunity to worked for a political organization called Progressive Future that servedhelped register members of the local minority groupsfor the 2008 Election voting . AndA s a member of a student organization, I had the opportunity to serve the local community by provided food to the homeless and promotedhunger awareness in the local community ."

Also, the above section reads like a summary of a resume section. Why are you mentioning them? What is their relevance to your application? You need to go through your entire essay revising like this and making sure that everything you say is unified by a single overarching theme.

Writing Feedback / "being forced to defend an idea" - my GRE essay [2]

First of all, this is not an undergraduate admissions essay. Second, it is very weak for a GRE essay. For the GRE, you are expected to show a deep level of critical thinking, not to mention a solid grasp of English grammar and style. This essay, unfortunately, does neither. The first half deals in vague generalities that seem even more abstract because of the way they are written, while the second half treats an overly broad example too simplistically. Marxism has many things wrong with it, but the rise of communism in Eastern Europe had many causes beyond a refusal to consider other points of view. So, I suggest you start over, and think about the following:

1. the Holocaust. If it is true that being forced to defend an idea against the doubts and contrasting views of others is necessary for the idea's value to manifest itself, why are Holocaust deniers often banned under hate speech laws from promulgating their views in many countries?

2. Creationism. Many scientists view creationism as socially harmful speech, inasmuch as it has no scientific merit and wastes the time of serious biologists who are forced to defend something that really isn't in need of defense.

For a really good GRE essay on this topic, keep your current thesis (that is, continue to agree with the prompt statement) but explain why using the examples I have given above. This will force you to think critically about your response.

Undergraduate / U of Michigan- LSA Essay [3]

This is a bit too general. You like physics. That's great. And you're right, it is the most fundamental science. Physics underlies chemistry, which in turn underlies biology. That's why we need physics, intellectually speaking. But why are you passionate about it? Are you passionate about it? I can't tell from the essay. You want to dive deeper into a ocean of knowledge, but what part of that ocean most interests you? What questions specifically do you want to work on? Be more specific, and your essay will become stronger.

Essays / Legalizing Drugs, A fear of, Major decision - Cause-Effect Essay [3]

Well, what would be the effects of legalizing drugs? There are several possibilities that spring to mind:

1. consumers would know exactly what they were getting. Purity and strength would be regulated, so the percentage of user who OD should decrease.

2. organized crime would wither and die. Vice crimes allow organized crime outfits to prosper, because their customers are just that, customers, and not victims, and so don't want to help the police put them out of business.

3. the government could then funnel the resources currently being spent on the war on drugs on fighting other, more serious forms of crime.

4. many countries whose prime crops are the plants from which illegal narcotics are derived would become a lot more politically and economically stable.

5. the government would make a lot more money, assuming that drugs were taxed and sold in the same manner as tobacco and liquor.

6. more people might use drugs, because they would cheaper, safer, and easier to obtain.

7. more drug users would result in higher rates of health problems, leading to an increase in health care costs.

Note that you would have to research these issues to see how solid a case you could build for each effect. For instance, if you look at countries where narcotics that are illegal in America have been legalized, has there actually been an increase in drug use rates? Or do they remain the same? If they do increase, is the increase large or statistically insignificant? The answers to these questions would help you determine how important 6 and 7 would be as considerations in legalizing drugs. Also, note that some of the items might balance each other out. So, the increase in gov't tax revenue might actually be equal to or greater than any increase in health care costs.

Writing Feedback / Satirical Essay (help with the humorous additions) [2]

This isn't satirical so much as vaguely bigoted. Part of your problem is that you are writing about illegal immigrants, but attempting to satirize legal American citizens. However, neither group is homogeneous, and while you at least specify that you are talking about "illegal Mexican immigrants," you make no such distinction when it comes to legal Americans, which presumably include legal Mexican immigrants who would presumably share the same cultural values as the illegal ones in many cases.

If you want to write a satirical essay on this topic, take a subset of legal Americans (such as those who want to build a wall along the border) and write about them, or about the idea of putting up a border, as if it were a good idea, while making it clear that you really think it is a bad idea. Or, conversely, write about illegal immigrants as if you wanted to see them all rounded up and shot, while making it clear that you are really in sympathy with them. See A Modest Proposal, by Jonathon Swift, as an example of what I mean. In that satirical essay, he talks about how it would be a good idea for the poor to sell their infants for food, while making it clear he is really on the side of poor, whom he views as suffering from social oppression.

Research Papers / topics for research in corporate social responsibility & Employee relations [5]

If you are working at the Masters and PhD level, you must have some idea of what research areas interest you. Certainly, you are in a better position to choose *your* research topic than anyone else who could post.

Undergraduate / "Diversity makes us a better university for learning, for teaching, and for conducting research." [5]

Interesting and honest, two strong points in favor of your essay. However, I'm not sure that it answers the prompt:


Okay, you decided that coming for a lower class background was a good academic motivator. How does that show respect for people from *other* backgrounds, that is, from backgrounds different from your own? What other differences did you notice between poor and wealthy? Did these overlap with other differences, either in terms of values and politics (intellectual differences) or in terms of ethnic backgrounds and cultural practices (cultural differences)? What did you learn from being exposed to these differences? How did this cause you to respect people from different backgrounds?

Also, you haven't answered the second part of the prompt at all:


So, while your essay is interesting and well-written, it needs elaborating on greatly in order to actually be appropriate as a response to this particular prompt.

Writing Feedback / Advertisements makes people selfish and greedy for more and more goods [5]

Using more specific language would help, as vague language combines with grammatical difficulties to make sentences dull and difficult to follow. For instance:

Before: "Advertisements have raised the rate of purchasing things of customers for years. However, advertisements also have disadvantages that are the reason why we should lessen them."

After: "Advertisements can entertain us while making us aware of options we might otherwise not have known about, but they can also mislead us and encourage us to buy things we don't really need.

Undergraduate / My relationship with my grandparents had always been rough. Common app essay [10]

I like this version a lot better. You end by pointing out that you always make the honor roll, which is a great thing to highlight in an admissions essay, and you manage to do so naturally, as part of a narrative, so that it doesn't seem like gratuitous bragging. Good job.

Undergraduate / "That is intellectual exhaustion." - Stanford Short Essay: Intellectual Vitality [10]

The prompt asks you to talk about intellectual vitality and things you find engaging, not that you find exhausting. Again, it's an interesting approach to the prompt, but the negativity really isn't what you want in this sort of essay. Perseverance is a great trait, but the prompt clearly wants you to talk more about enthusiasm. You can of course mention how your enthusiasm gives you the energy needed to persevere in an intellectual challenge.

Undergraduate / 'Real people' - UT at Austin topic essay A. Important person [8]

Why wouldn't you want to make this more personal? The whole point of these essays is to let the admissions officers get to know you. I therefore stand by my original advice.

Research Papers / Risk Management Thesis paper idea [6]


That's a horrible idea. First, the point of good writing is to communicate clearly. Second, professors generally have PhD's in their fields. This means that they are both very intelligent and very well-educated. You are not likely to baffle them with your writing unless you write badly or without logic. Neither will guarantee you an A. Quite the opposite, in fact.

Indeed, you should absolutely not view your professors as adversaries, or strive to treat them as such. You will learn much more by respecting them and trying to understand their points of view, that is, by trying to learn from them. In that respect, humility is more beneficial to a person than arrogance.

Essays / (expanding on the idea?) - ucf essay question about obstacle or bump [7]


It depends on how you go about it. In one sense, what you have said is quite correct. Most of the people I know face primarily problems of their own making. In fact, they grapple their personal pain to them, clinging to it as if they had mistaken it for a life-preserver. If they simply chose to be free of their problems, they really would be. Recognizing this shows great wisdom, and is commendable.

On the other hand, it could, as others have said, be taken in another sense, as being arrogance and folly. For instance, children who get cancer might reasonably not view the cancer as an obstacle they suffer from only because they allow themselves to be sick. People born to drug-addicted prostitutes or to abusive parents, or to wonderful parents living in a war-zone, all might legitimately view these obstacles as ones that were entirely beyond their control.

The other comments you have received have clearly interpreted what you have said more in the second sense. This could just be because you provide so little to go on, but it points to a potential problem. If you go with this, then you must be sure to explain that you are talking about a particular subset of problems, and that you do not mean to belittle the genuine hardships that people may encounter through no fault of their own.

Undergraduate / 'I thought about my Grandma' - My Big Setback- University of Michigan Essay [4]

Mustafa has a point. Your essay starts off with a fairly common topic -- death of a grandparent -- and manages to turn what could still be at least a decent narrative essay into a statement of how hard you have worked academically followed by a list of your extra-curricular activities. You don't need either -- your transcript and application form already contain this information. You would be better off rewriting this as a narrative essay. Describe your grandmother so the reader can see her through your eyes. Show how she taught you the values she did, rather than just telling us. Then your essay will begin to become much stronger.

Undergraduate / The pub, in which I bus tables at, named PJ Whelihans-Part Time Job/COMMON APP [2]

Ah. You have a very detailed and well-written narrative, which is good. My main concern would be that I'm not sure the incident you describe has the gravitas you need in this sort of essay. For one thing, it seems like an odd thing to be taking pride in -- that you worked as a busboy and eventually proved yourself worthy enough to be given a particularly disgusting task to work on. Essentially, your willingness to clean up vomit is not necessarily a quality that admissions officers look for in a candidate (though I'm certain residence dons would appreciate it). Perhaps you could condense what you have now and use the extra room to talk about what you learned from the experience, and how that will make you a better student when you get to university.

Writing Feedback / Traveling outside a large tour group can result in a richer and more genuine experience [3]

You have the right sort of structure. You just need to work on polishing your grammar. Here are a few fixes to get you started:

"always have to decide between traveling"

"both ways of travel have advantages "

"Without a guide , we may lose our way "

Book Reports / "Romeo and Juliet" is an Elizabethan play enact in Verona [2]

Hmmm . . . it would be nice if you could tighten the structure a bit more. At the moment, your essay says a bunch of things that are only loosely connected. You might try asking yourself why the play would require a chorus to explain what is happening or what is going to happen. Answering that question might lead you to a more focused thesis.

Undergraduate / "I got a detention in third grade." Stanford Short: Letter to Roommate [12]

Good essay. It expresses clearly who you are, and the qualities you attribute to yourself are largely positive. Sure, there are some people who would absolutely *hate* having someone like you as a roommate, but that's okay. In fact, it means you have done a good job in conveying your personality, as people can tell whether or not they think you would be a good match for them as a roommate by reading your letter.

Undergraduate / My relationship with my grandparents had always been rough. Common app essay [10]

This is quite a moving essay. You felt like your paternal grandparents didn't care about you, but you came to forgive their prejudices. You were really close to your maternal grandparents, though age has largely separated you. One problem, though: why does any of this makes you a good candidate for admission to a university, again? You need to make sure that your essay answers this question, and at the moment it doesn't. You might want to cut the half about your maternal grandparents and focus more on how your conflict with your paternal grandparents has filled you with a burning ambition to prove yourself, etc. Remember your intended audience as you write.

Undergraduate / He played the violin; The sound of music [11]

"burrowing", rather than "burying"

I like the essay overall. Your style is a bit different, and the essay stands out. I am concerned, though, that after reading your essay I still do not know what your strengths and weakness are when it comes to music, something you need to include to fully answer the prompt.

Writing Feedback / Advertisements makes people selfish and greedy for more and more goods [5]

Summarize your reasons in the introduction.


Of course we can. It's easy, really.


True enough. Some people won't even watch tv anymore -- they just download the shows they want to watch, with the ads removed.


Name names, cite details.

You are on the right track. Your grammar could use some polishing, but the errors don't really obscure your meaning most of the time.

Undergraduate / Stanford Intellectual Vital; "world free from the barriers of social prejudices" [9]

You can still write an essay about how discussing China was an intellectually vital experience, and how you wish to make others aware that China is more than just the negative actions of its government . . .

Undergraduate / "the city of Las Vegas" - Describe the world you come from [21]

I'd suggest you post a second draft based on the feedback you have already received. Most of what you say about Las Vegas doesn't really tie into your dreams and aspirations at the moment, so until you fix that, it is difficult to offer more feedback, because we don't know what you will delete or what you will add in your new draft.

Writing Feedback / Students should not get marriage while they are still studing [3]

I'm guessing the prompt was "students should not get married while they are still studying." Miscopying the prompt is a bad way to begin, as it seems to show carelessness. In any event, you need to define your key terms, which would include "student" and "marriage." Students can be quite old. For instance, the "ordinary" PhD student who takes no years off between degrees can expect to finish being a student somewhere between 26-29. Students who take time off between degrees might still be studying well into their 30s. Anyone who pursues multiple graduate degrees might hit 35 easily.

Second, what do you think of when you think of marriage? A religious sacrament? A social arrangement? A romantic one? You seem to be going with the last one I mentioned, but the first two are probably more common ideas.

Until you decide who and what you are talking about when you discuss the idea that "students should not get married," your essay will not gel well.