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Posts by SHanafi
Name: Sekar Hanafi
Joined: Jan 17, 2014
Last Post: Jul 2, 2017
Threads: 120
Posts: 357  
From: Indonesia
School: Diponegoro University

Displayed posts: 477 / page 7 of 12
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SHanafi   
Mar 28, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Boys and Girls leisure activities; computer games, netball, basketball [5]

The two pie charts compare children in different sex in terms of their cultural and leisure activities

Overall, there are many differences in terms of leisure and cultural activities between both sexes. However, boys and girls prefer to do three similar activities: reading, playing computer games, and listening music.

Turning to the girl's chart, it depicts that dancing is the most favourite activities in which 27 percent girls participate in. Next, reading coming second as 21 percent then it is followed respectively by playing games and Netball working by 15 and 16 percent girls. As a comparison with the former, girls take smallest interest for gymnastics and listening music in which 11 and 10 percent girls participate in.

A closer look at the counterpart, while coming second 17 percent of boys enjoy Basketball, the highest percentage by 34 shows that playing computer as the top choice. Therefore the neighboring percentage by 11 and 10 percent takes listening music and skateboarding as the immediate rate while reading coming as the least by 2 percent boys enjoying in their leisure.



  • pie_charts.jpg
SHanafi   
Mar 28, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Prediction of world population growth - 4000 millions of people in 2040. [9]

The line chart shows the numbers of world population in millions growth during particular year from 1800 to 2100, while the bar chart compares the prediction of the two regions growth between 2015 and 2040.

Overall, the proportion of population growth in developing regions is far higher than the proportion in the developed regions, while the undeveloped numbers of population occurs in developed regions. Instead, the world population growth experiences a tremendous increase before predict will be fell slightly from 2040 onwards.

According to the line chart, there was the lowest rate of population by 1000 millions of people. This trend experienced a gradual increase then threefold in 2000. After a short peak period in 2040, the figures will be predicted a slight decrease in the end of statistic.

A closer look at the bar chart predicts the population in developed regions will remaining stable over 25 years statistic. Standing in contrast with the developed regions, the prediction of population growth in developing regions will be climbed gradually. Appearing by more than 2000 millions of people in 2015, the figures predict more doubled to reach the top notch population by 4000 millions of people in 2040.



  • 221531_1_o.png
SHanafi   
Mar 28, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Main reason for study; different age groups; employer support [6]

Thank you in regard for your patience, MisterWandering. Here I try to follow your advices. Hopefully, I made a betterment.

According to the charts, while the proportion of student studying for career is far higher among younger age, oldest groups are more likely to study for interest. Instead, employer supports are commonly given for younger students.

The two highest supports more than 50 percent are received by student under 26 and student aged 26-29. Standing in contrast with two former groups, student aged 40-49 and students over 49 years old are more sufficient that receive lesser by under 45 percent time and fee helps. Therefore, the other group aged 30-39 receiving 32 percent support is noted as the most self-sufficient group.

According to the study reasons, students under 26 record the highest percentage by 80 percent studying for career purpose. However, this proportion declined gradually as student get older to only 20 percent student over 49 years old studying out of interest purpose. The contrary movement occurs when the interest come as student's purpose. Appearing with 10 percent experiencing by student under 26, the trend immensely growth to nearly 70 percent in student over 49.

Interestingly, while the proportion the study purposes on four major groups varied markedly, the student aged 40-49 shows halved proportion on their study purposes.




  • Reason_for_study.png
SHanafi   
Mar 28, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Emigration intentions, Bulgarian aged 15-60, 2001 & 2006 [9]

The chart shows the proportion in emigration intention of Bulgarian aged 15-60 in 2001 and 2006.

It is clear that the proportion of Bulgarian who intends to stay in their country is far higher among the other intentions.

In 2001, by 70 percent Bulgarians have no intention to travel abroad then this trend increased over 3 percent in the following year statistic. An intention for tourism came as the second by 10 percent, while living and working abroad for temporary reached the proportion by 5 and 7 percent of all Bulgarians choice.

In 2006, the highest proportion of emigration intention was recorded by 70 percent of Bulgarians aged 15-60. Although 9 percent Bulgarians intended to live abroad for temporary, the other intentions for tourism and temporary work came nearly 9 percent.

Interestingly, while other emigration intentions varied markedly, the intention for live abroad was permanently showed the equality by 8 percent in a-two year statistics.
SHanafi   
Mar 27, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Main reason for study; different age groups; employer support [6]

I feel that the first sentence does not clarify the main trends of the chart. Also, you don't have to give data in the overview paragraph.

. :(

would you correct this, too ?

The bar charts compares student of different ages in term of why they study and whether they are supported by an employer.

Overall, it is clearly that the proportion of student studying for career purposes is far higher among younger age, while the oldest students are more likely to study for interest. However, employer supports are commonly given for younger student.

Turning to the details, both younger groups receives by more than 50 per cent support from employers, these groups record as the two highest supports. Even though the two oldest groups receive less by under 47 per cent than both former groups, this proportion still higher in comparison with student age 30-to-39 who is more self-sufficient in time and fee support.

A more details looked at the bar graph reveals that the proportion of study purposes is not always similar. Coming as the highest by 80 per cent student age under 26 studies for career purpose, this percentage narrows gradually as student get older until only 10 per cent student in the oldest group study out for interest purpose. A contrary movement occurs when the interest come as study purpose. Therefore, while is seen from the overall groups, student age 40-to-49 shows the similar percentage of study purpose.




  • Reason_for_study.png
SHanafi   
Mar 27, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Main reason for study; different age groups; employer support [6]

The bar charts give information about the proportion of the main reasons why student, in different age groups, do study and how much employer supports them.

Overall, there is an equality of study purpose showing by student age 40-49 while the inequality proportion in each study purpose is revealed by the four other student groups. However, while the three student groups, from 30 to 49 years old, receive less than a half from all the support from the employers, student at the age under 26 and 26-to-29 years old are supported more than the former.

Turning to the details, the two groups of student receiving 79 and 80 per cent employers support tend to choose career as their study purpose then this tendency follows by 55 percent student age 30-39 on it pursuit of study purpose. However, by 47 per cent employers support helps student over 49 to pursuit their study purpose, the 40-49 student receiving 37 per cent support are likely to study around 40 per cent for career and interest reason.

A more details looked at the bar graph reveals that the proportion of study for interest in numbers is not always similar. The least proportion by 10 percent shows in student under 26. Meanwhile, while student age 26-to-29 shows higher proportion by 12 percent than the former, the 30-to-39 group records more than 20 per cent. However, the over 49 group studying for interest reaches the top notch proportion by 70 percent while 40-to-49 groups coming second by 40 per cent student study for interest purpose.



  • Reason_for_study.png
SHanafi   
Mar 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Studying in univ. or finding a job? High education prospects a successful career [5]

hi, frens

your vocabulary combination is pretty good :-)

thank you, andial.

for some students,

oh god, plural need 's'. I often do the same mistakes :(

hi, Dumi
I try to understand an approach you gave to me. Based on my understanding I did in my previous. Indeed, I think my overview weaken by a fragment sentence without a main sentence.

may I revise
High education prospects a successful career. Obviously, as the immense knowledge guarantee people to acquire better job, some paradoxical group assumes that got work directly after graduated is beneficial, too. I believe that both assumptions have advantages followed.

there let me analyze my intro
Hook : high education prospects a successful career
Background :Obviously, as the immense knowledge guarantee people to acquire better job, some paradoxical group assumes that got work directly after graduated is beneficial, too.

Statement :I believe that both assumptions have advantages followed

may I get another advice for these? :D
SHanafi   
Mar 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: High price of petrol as sollution the traffic and pollution;the Nederland [4]

Increasing the price of petrol is the best way to solve growing traffic and pollution problems
To what extend do you agree and disagree?
What other measures do you think might be effective ?
=========================================
High price of petrol reduces the hazardous of traffic and pollution. However, such possible solution is effectively viewed to tackle the lives of inhabitants at risk while some critics argue this assumption. Even though I agree that high price of petrol effect substantial solution for inhabitant's problem, it is likely that a considerable number of additional measures should be pondered.

High price of petrol indirectly persuaded inhabitants to use public transportation. Obviously, when tremendous inhabitants use mass transportation, the pollution caused by private vehicles can be fell dramatically. While this way is proved by the Nederland who have high rate of public transport usage, becoming pedestrian with clean air in this country is an interesting experience. On the other hand, high price of petrol not surprisingly propel gigantic demonstration as the critics while the lower earning cannot afford the daily needs.

However, far beyond any other measure, there might be some possible approach. Adding environmental subject in school might raise schoolchildren self-awareness to preserve environmental surrounds. Therefore, if it well-acculturate, they will maintain friendly environmental behaviour when adultness come. A more detailed look at the measures shows that the overall outcome in numbers is not always similar. Taking an instance from Indonesia's government program which namely Adiwayata, such a mark for friendly environment school. While it still produce unfriendly student who commonly litter trash outside the dustbin, this program run ineffectively.

It seems to me that the aforementioned evidence reveals measures not always similar with the outcome. While government suggest an approach to tackle inhabitants problems, it impossible to success without self awareness in each citizen.

SHanafi   
Mar 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS; The ability of students in the areas of literacy and numeracy have declined [15]

I think Dumi, Pahan and eddies already give you immense advices

Many people believe that the ability of students in the areas of literacy and numeracy have declined in recent times.
Discuss the causes of this problem and offers some possible solutions to it.

I want to remind you to conquer time, that this part of task allow the test taker to write it down in 40 minutes.
SHanafi   
Mar 26, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Studying in univ. or finding a job? High education prospects a successful career [5]

Hello Friends :D, Please kindly comment my discursive essay. Thank you

Some people believe that studying at university or college is the best route to reach successful career, while others believe that it is better to get a job straight after school. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

==============================================================
High education prospects a successful career. Obviously, as the immense knowledge guarantee people to acquire better job. However, some paradoxical group assumes that got work directly after graduated is beneficial, too. I believe that both assumptions have advantages followed.

Finding job after school not surprisingly does by students who dream of financial independent. Coming mature, rely on parents financial constraint become embarrassing for some student, thus this feel encourage them to earn money by them self. On the other hand, several students think successful career may relate to how early the career is built. For this purpose, it is likely that a considerable number for enrolling university are reduced.

In any case, some people think study in the university is the path to get proficient career. This might encourage a schoolchildren devote herself to enroll in the Psychological faculty in order to fulfill her ambition as a psychologist. However, study in university brings sense of comfort for student who has a curiosity in a formal learning. Thus, join discussion, do research or literature analyzing in a college become enjoyable activities that arise students ambition to deal with learning process.

The aforementioned evidence examines that either continuing study in the university or finding job has benefit for people who believe it for. Therefore, it seems to me that successful career is prevailed by a responsible decision.
SHanafi   
Mar 25, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS International sporting games are essential in releasing patriotic emotions; safe way [2]

Popular events like the football World Cup and other international sporting occasions are essential in easing international tensions and releasing patriotic emotions in a safe way.

===============================================================

The existence of international sporting occasions such as World cup, Sea games and Olympic Games that gather sportsman throughout the world is an awaiting moment not only for the athletes but also for citizen around the world. While this occasion held, many nationalities come and dive onto games euphoria even sometimes their origin country still in force. This might be an evidence of the international tension ease.

To commence with, when two countries are fighting under international sporting event, the origin crush can be ease since these countries will to learn on how to appreciate each other. As an example in a World Cup Match, people across nation sat listening attentively when the national anthem plays, while many people strums as a respect in order to honour the player. Moreover, International sporting event gives the related countries lesson how to be sportive. We can see in the 1992 Barcelona Olympic Games. China's player is willing to congratulate Susi Susanti, an Indonesian Badminton player, after Susi do harsh to defeat her.

In any case, the unity of the nation is something prestigious to keep. The unity itself reflects people to support their nation as the expression of the patriotism. This feeling, however, propels people to come to the venue for supporting their athletes who bringing the national prestige in the match even they have to travel with journey.

In conclusion, the existence of international sporting occasion proves that tension among countries can be ease. As supposed to this positivity to this effects, patriotism to the nation also release in a secure way. I believe that international sport games bring many benefits for the human life either as the part of nation or international citizen.
SHanafi   
Mar 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS exam: studying at university is the best route to reach successful career [8]

giving spaces between paragraph is more friendly for reader eyes :D

making money is obviously good choice

...earning

they have to bother their parents again and again.

... they might bother their parents

numbers of inhabitants believe that the best way to get better future is to have the high level of education. The higher your education is, the better your life later will be.

....I am afraid that this sounds overuse idea

...High education prospects a better live. For instance, as the consequence of high salary and the job responsibility, managerial position requires people who qualifying in high education. Presumably, better position is associated with high education. Some qualified people have likewise a big chance to stand in higher position. In any case of uneducated people, it is impossible to gain good position in a company.

To put them in a nutshell,

... consider to avoid tone of creative writing in the academic form[i].

hopefully help you..
cheers :D

SHanafi   
Mar 24, 2014
Writing Feedback / Task 1. imprisonment in five counties between 1930 and 1980 [5]

50000 in decade period.

... thirty thousand or 30 thousand

The chart compares the figures for imprisonment among five major countries in five decades. (1930-1980)

... The chart illustrates imprisonment level in five major countries over a-six decades from 1930 to 1980.
SHanafi   
Mar 23, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Expenditure on fast food by Income groups in UK; hamburger and pizza [6]

Hello friend, I am preparing for IELTS exam, please kindly check my writing. Thank you :D

The bar chart gives information about the amount of money of high income, average income and low income people in Britain spent on fast foods during a period of time in 1990.

Overall, hamburger and pizza experienced a gradual decrease in case of Briton expenditures, as opposed from both figures there was a fluctuation in amount of Britain expenditure to buy pizza.

Turning to the details, as 17 pounds high earners expended to buy pizza, then this trend experienced a gradual decrease by 12 pounds in average earner to low of 10 pounds lower earner expenditure. Similarly, the hamburger experienced a gradual decrease in the different amount of expenditure. Starting with the highest earners expenditure by more than 40 pounds, this trend declined steadily in average earner by 33 pounds then continued felt to less than 15 pound expended by the lower earners.

A more detailed look at the chart compared that the overall Britons earner groups of fast food expenditure in amounts was not always similar. The lower earners took fish and chips as the most favourite by 17 pounds expenditure while hamburger coming second by 14 pounds then followed around 7 pounds expenditure to buy pizza. Meanwhile, statistic for high earner and average earner recorded hamburger as the high expenditure by more than 30 pounds whilst fish and pizza stood as the least favourite by both groups by under 20 pound Britons spent to buy them.



  • Expenditure_on_fast_.gif
SHanafi   
Mar 22, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS task II : Illiteracy rates by region and gender; 'it was tearful' [12]

Hi, Raimov

I couldn't find any mistake from your essey ! )) I think you have been writing essey for a long time !!! How many months should I spend to write good essey like you ???

Actually, I am newcomer also. Yap I was spend long hours to write this essay while IELTS just permitted 20 minutes for finished task 1, how can I do that :(((. Because I still unsatisfied of my ability, so I try it again, even sometimes it slow :D.

Well, the chart does not compare, but you compare the data and present an analysis. Also, "countries" is a wrong interpretation. They are regions that each region includes several countries.

I do think that providing data from several regions in a chart is kind of making comparison among them. But your explanation make a new understanding for me, thank you in advance.

Talk about some major observation

... for this, I think i need more practice :D

Hi, lee

Isn't the overall too short? :(

I don't know exactly the standardization of short or length sentence especially in overview, so I just write what I see :D
SHanafi   
Mar 22, 2014
Writing Feedback / Televised talent shows is not only to entertain [9]

While you deal with IELTS and I am also studying IELTS let me share
your intro

To me personally, adding the blue words inside the intro would be better.

Televised talent shows have become popular in many societies today.Are these shows a good method of finding talented people , or are they just entertainment ?

SHanafi   
Mar 22, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: International imprisonment level report; 'USA recorded the top notch level rate' [5]

giving evidence" sounds a bit awkward and such expressions my get the examiner to deduct marks on your vocabulary usage. Be careful! You should stick one solid style without experimenting with words .

:(((. Thank you, Dumi. I realise that I am not as pace as my friend to understand about IELTS writing. To me it doesn't matter to write the same prompt in order to make me understand. Now I'm on my way to find suitable pattern in order to preparing my exam. I hope you are willing to comment my following essay even I write the same prompt.
SHanafi   
Mar 22, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : average annual Gross Domestic Products (GDP) [12]

this latter part is extremely confusing. You need to rephrase this overview sentence :(

Let me try

The chart compares the GDP growth rate of wealthy countries, globalisers and non-globalisers in over a-four decades from 1960s to 1990s.
SHanafi   
Mar 22, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: International imprisonment level report; 'USA recorded the top notch level rate' [5]

The chart gives evidence regarding a comparison of imprisonment level in five major nations around the world over a 50-year period from 1930 to 1980.

Overall, the figures of imprisonment level varied considerably one another. However, USA recorded the top notch level rate out of the five countries during statistic period.

Turning to the details, appearing by 100 thousand prisoners in 1930, the number of prisoner in USA was slightly fluctuated from 1940 to 1970. However, these figures recovered slightly to approximately 140 prisoners for four decades following. Evidently, statistic for Australia and New Zealand also experienced a period of fluctuation with a gradual drop in the first half then it continued a slight increase in second half period.

A more detailed look at the graph compares that the imprisonment level in Canada and Great Britain was not always steady. In 1930, the number of prisoner in Britain recorded by 25 thousands, since then the figures have experienced a gradual increase to 83 thousand in the end of period. Standing in contrast with the former, Canada experienced a fluctuation in their imprisonment level. While, these figures felt slightly from 120 thousands in 1930 to around 114 thousand a decade later, it was a slight recovery before plummeted gradually to less than 100 thousands in the last half period.

Interestingly, there are 2 similar number of imprisonment shown, in 1930 and 1970, which are included different numbers of countries.



  • Improsiner_rate_of_c.jpg
SHanafi   
Mar 22, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : average annual Gross Domestic Products (GDP) [12]

hi, Puman

In general, the two high GDP percentages came from wealthy country and globalizers in the different decades 1960s and 1990s respectively, while the troughs, in the entire decades, gained by non-globaliser country non-globalisers experienced a variation in the past 4 decades.

Thank you fot the correction.

hi, MisterWandering.
I was read your writings and I like your tone and also the way you construct the report in Task 1.While sometimes I write the same prompt,I hope you are willing to keep corrected my writing. :D
SHanafi   
Mar 21, 2014
Writing Feedback / If I am to travel 40 miles distance, I would choose the train [6]

Hi, oktaviana.
I suggest you to add what kind of essay that you write in the tittle. It is helpful for the other members to give you some advices.

Perhaps, this writing is kind of IELTS Task 1, Toefl writing, or others.
SHanafi   
Mar 21, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS: age percentage of people in Yemen and Italy between 2000 and 2050 [8]

Hi, Puman.
We often forget some simple things. If I am not wrong "paragraphing" is the one component which is included in writing descriptor to get a good score. Related with this, it is better if you separated your essay with different paragraph. :D
SHanafi   
Mar 20, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task II : Idea of going overseas for university study. To What extend do you agree ? [2]

The idea of going overseas for university study is an exciting prospect for many people. But while it may offer some advantages, it is probably better to stay at home because of the difficulties a student inevitable encounters living and studying in a different cultures. To what extend do you agree to this statement.

====================================

Study overseas appears magnetic phenomenon for students. Standing in contrast with several advantages including study process, some critics argue that some cultural difficulties may raise student's tendency to enroll in local university. I tend to agree with the former.

To begin with, an exciting prospect of study overseas affects a substantial migration through international studies. As a result, the students throughout the world dream of having international relationship and studying in the high-technology campus. For instance, meeting other students from some continents and working in modern laboratory will train them to become a tough person. However, the students of two seasonal country intend to live in a place with different climate in order to train their body strength. Taking my friend experience whose ambition experiences the winter as his body practice before applying army academy.

On the other hand, the advantages of studying overseas do not always bring some benefits for the students. The other students experience a distress as they cannot adjust with extreme climate. While international relationship and high-technology laboratory bring betterment for studying, the disability in communicating and operating laboratory equipment, which is different from origin place, may raise student's stresses. Therefore, failing in climate adjustment is highly related to student hospitalization. Not surprisingly, those cases occur in student from almost all degrees become people's consideration to enroll in local university

In conclusion, taking study overseas has several advantages in order to improve student's skills. However, it also offers difficulties for student who cannot adjust in the different situation. I agree that study overseas does not always bring perfectness to increase student ability in comparison with study in local university.
SHanafi   
Mar 20, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 1 : Fitness membership among male and female (rewrite) [4]

Hi, all. I am preparing for IELTS exam. As my practicing, this is my latest writing. Please give me advice about the pattern, grammatical error, and is my writing appropriate with the task responses. Thank you

====================================
The chart shows information regarding a comparison of women and men fitness membership between 1970 and 2000.

According to the chart, both males and females membership fluctuated over a-thirty year period, however, there were greater fluctuation among male membership than female membership.

Turning to the details, appearing with 1000 member in 1970, the number of women member remained stable to nearly 2000 in the following ten years. After a short peak period in 1985, this trend continued the fluctuation by under 3000 between 1990 and 2000.

Standing in contrast with the counterpart, the male memberships, stood at 2000, rose sharply to 4000 in 1975 then this trend declined rapidly before experienced a gradual rebound to approximately 5000 in 1995. However, after the top notch numbers, this fitness membership figure dropped sharply to 1000 members in 2000.

Interestingly, by comparison with 1970 membership in which the numbers of men membership was getting increase, in 2000 the female membership showed the reverse.



  • fitnes_male_and_fema.png
SHanafi   
Mar 19, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS writing task 2. Visitors should follow local behavior or not ? [7]

Hi, Theo
I am studying IELTS also. as I am not a native, my writing is still far from mature. Maybe it's kind a bored activity, I hope you are willing to opened your dictionary repetitively to cope with spelling error.

Hopefully help you, cheers :D
SHanafi   
Mar 19, 2014
Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK I : US Crude Oil Imports (15 countries) [6]

The table compares fifteen countries in the field of overall number of imports crude oil per day in US from 2007 to 2008.

Overall, all mentioned features of US crude oil imports varied markedly. While US energy information administration accounted Canada as the highest exporter, Azerbaijan was noted as the least crude oil exporter in a-two year statistic.

Turning to the details, in 2007, 116 thousand barrels of USA crude oil imported from Azerbaijan while Saudi Arabia, Mexico, Venezuela and Nigeria supplied US crude oil by more than 1100 thousand barrels. Standing in contrast with Kuwait and Chad, the seven others countries exported crude oil by under 550 thousand barrels per day, then under 200 thousand barrels US crude oil came from Kuwait and Chad.

A more detailed look at the table compares that the overall imports in numbers was not always similar. Between June and July 2008, Iraq coming sixth county exporter reached to approximately 700 thousand barrels crude oil each month. However, the nine countries exports crude oil in a range of 107 to 640 thousand barrels towards US.



  • US_crude_oil.png

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