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Posts by MisterWandering
Joined: Sep 20, 2011
Last Post: Sep 20, 2016
Threads: 18
Posts: 314  
From: Viet Nam

Displayed posts: 332 / page 8 of 9
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MisterWandering   
Jun 28, 2013
Writing Feedback / Ielts Task 1: Main reasons for migration to and from the UK [3]

The given pie charts present data concerning the main incentives why people migrated to and from the UK in 2007. Overall, the majority of emigrants and immigrants cited employment as their chief culprit for migration.

Nearly a thirth of the total people migrated to the UK with a view to having a definite job, which was approximately equal to the corresponding figure for UK emigrants. Meanwhile, another career-related reason, looking for work, accounted for 12% of immigration, around half its proportion of emigration.

Additionally, formal study was the second major factor contributing to UK immigration with over a quarter of people. On the contrary, this reason merely took up an average of 4% of citizens leaving the UK. Accompanying or joining a family was responsible for similar statistics for both immigration and emigration, at 15% and 13% respectively. Simultaneously, only 6% of people gave no specific reasons why they immigrated, compared to a significantly higher proportion of those emigrated at roughly a fifth. Furthermore, the remaining people of each group induced other objectives regarding their moving.



  • ieltspiechartmigr.jpg
MisterWandering   
Jun 27, 2013
Writing Feedback / Ielts: Opinion on animal experimentation; Should continue! [4]

Topic: Some people strongly oppose animal experimentation, believing that it causes pain to animals, while some other people consider it necessary. What is your opinion?

People hold different views towards the necessity and humane feature of current animal testing. In my opinion, both human and animals are capable of deriving enormous benefits from this sort of experimentation and thereby, it is suggested to be enhanced.

To begin with, the advantages of vivisection to human are most prominent in the field of medicine and education. For instance, various types of animals such as pigs and mice have been significantly used in testing new kinds of drugs by dint of possessing similar biological features to those of human. Some drug prototypes are theoretically effective but whether there are any side effects in reality is rather unknown. In these cases, the use of animals in checking pharmaceuticals is essential prior to applying in persons. Additionally, many animal-based researches have been conducted inside educational institutions have provided new insights into the evolution of animals. Briefly, animal testing helps to advance our medical and scientific knowledge.

Equally importantly is that, animal testing are beneficial to wildlife species for many reasons. Firstly, by carrying out genetic experiments do scientists potentially offer some solutions for the endangered species. It is true that a wide variety of animals are on the verge of extinction owing to the loss of natural habitats or increasing pollutants. With the results of animal research, this issue will probably be tackled. Furthermore, examining ethology will provide an outlet for controlling some species in particular patterns. For example, nowadays it is applicable to increase the likelihood of animal survival in natural environment. Accordingly, animal experimentation has a positive impact on animals themselves.

To sum up, animal testing plays a significant role in the well-being of both human beings and animals. Therefore, animal vivisection should continue rather than being suppressed in the future.

Please help me correct my essay! Thanks in advance!
MisterWandering   
Jun 27, 2013
Writing Feedback / What's more influencial on child's development? Family influence or Other factors? [6]

the factor which has the greatest influence

which factor has the greatest influence

Some people believed

...believe

, etc

and so on/so forth

take shapes

A child in one or two years old is taught speaking and using the basic things

A child as young as one or two years old is taught how to speak and use the basic things.

For instance, if a child plays a game or watch a movie which contains violent and bad language, they can easily develop a violent characteristic.Moreover, their health can be harmed if they play, or watch too much

MisterWandering   
Jun 26, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS ESSAY- Graphic describing; Differences of an island [7]

The economical situation

the economic situation

It is now up to the people, whether this island can conserve its good wilderness or not.

I wonder if this is mentioned on the map or it is just your personal opinion.

All kind of boats

all kinds of boats
MisterWandering   
Jun 24, 2013
Writing Feedback / Underground railway systems in the field of opening date, total length of route and annual ridership [10]

Topic: The table below gives information about the underground railway systems in six cities. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The table illustrates the underground railway systems in six major cities in the field of opening date, total length of route and annual ridership.

Overall, each of the mentioned features of six railroad systems varied considerably. The oldest system in London had the longest route while Kyoto's system accounted for the shortest length and the lowest passenger statistics per year.

In 1863, London's underground system was incorporated, having a total of 394 km in length. Also, it was responsible for carrying an average of 775 million passengers per annum, around 15 times higher than the corresponding figure for the latest system in Los Angeles that began operation in 2001 and covered 28 km of route.

Likewise, the 20th century saw the establishment of the four remaining subterranean railway, of which the system located in Tokyo, being inaugurated in 1927, served the largest number of passengers at 1927 million, nearly doubling the second highest number recorded in Paris. This was followed by Washington DC's subway with 126 km in lines and 144 million travellers. Simultaneously, data for system length and ridership of Kyoto's system was smallest with 11 km and 45 million respectively.



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MisterWandering   
Jun 24, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS; Why attend Universities or Colleges? Specific reasons and examples [5]

I believe that careers are the main reason to attend universities for most people

I think you should change this sentence a bit: I believe that career preparation is the main reason for most people to attend universities.

Education helps people to overcome difficulties that may face them

...that they may face.
I hope these help!
MisterWandering   
Jun 24, 2013
Writing Feedback / Ielts: Libraries should not waste their money on hi-tech media. Agree or disagree? [6]

Thank you John and Dumi for your comments!

If you were to do an outline for this essay, how would it look?

,
This is my outline:
- Introduction: Disagree with the opinion
- Body 1: Media helps obtain update information
- Body 2: Media helps librarians with management work
- Conclusion: Summarise my ideas

There are other problems (mostly related to word choice) in these sentences alone

I have trouble expressing my ideas in a simple way. Redundant words and lack of coherence are the consequence.

Your body paragraphs should contain more simplified examples for your reasoning

Should I add several personal examples in my body paragraphs? I could think of some but I wasn't sure whether putting something personal in my Ielts essay is ok.
MisterWandering   
Jun 24, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTs---competition is much more importance than cooperation in school. do you agree? [2]

on the account of

-> on the grounds that

not reliable to others

-> not reliant on others. Reliable means trustworthy.

This is because they believe the sense of competition is do it alone in teaching children

-> What do you mean by "do it alone in teaching children"? I'm quite confused.

experts explained

,

they also believed

I think you should use present tense rather than past tense in these cases.

In concluded

-> In conclusion/To conclude

competition and cooperation both

-> both competition and cooperation
MisterWandering   
Jun 24, 2013
Writing Feedback / Ielts: The cement and concrete making process [11]

this information is not presented by the graph.... I guess you need to talk about things that are more obvious.

I see. I guessed I could add a sentence about the fire to supplement the preceded sentence.
Thank you for your recommendations, Pahan!
MisterWandering   
Jun 24, 2013
Writing Feedback / Ielts: Libraries should not waste their money on hi-tech media. Agree or disagree? [6]

Topic: Many people think that public libraries should only provide books and should not waste their money on expensive hi-tech media, such as software, DVDs or videos. Do you agree or disagree?

access to the various kinds of media



It is true that nowadays people are able to have access to various kinds of media in public libraries apart from conventional printed materials. Personally, I believe that this modernization in learning devices is an inevitable trend and should be enhanced.

To begin with, I would argue that digital tools such as computer software contributes greatly to the valuable sources of information and skills that library users potentially acquire. Indeed, there is no denying that books have played a major role in providing knowledge for library visitors. However, the update features of books' contents are not always guaranteed on the grounds that it often takes several months for a book to be published and released to the public. Meanwhile, thanks to the assistance of such modern computers or audio-visual equipment, it is applicable for users to obtain recent essential details in myriad aspects of life. Briefly, the utilization of hi-tech media supplements the traditional access to library information.

Equally important is that, librarians and other related staff possible take substantial advantage of the installation of state-of-the-art devices. In the past, the management of huge collection of printed materials in a library used to be difficult and time-consuming due to the fact that the majority of work was manually carried out. Nonetheless, with the presence of electronic system, such regular work seems to be no more a hindrance. For instance, librarians are able to seek out the exact location of a book in the library. Additionally, visitors are also capable of figure out whether one book is still available or has already been borrowed. In short, by the aid of these helpful media is working efficiency obviously improved.

All things considered, it is vital that libraries provide both physical and digital resources. By doing so, not only learners but also library employees can derive benefits from this.

Could you give me feedback on this essay? Thanks in advance!
MisterWandering   
Jun 24, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Studying at home or at traditional school? [3]

However, what the science technology brings to students is really beneficial to their studying or studying at traditional schools is an always better option for students

It is confusing. I guess that you wanted to say that whether studying at home with the aid of technical devices or traditional learning method at schools is more beneficial to students.
MisterWandering   
Jun 24, 2013
Writing Feedback / Ielts Task 1: Imprisonment levels in 5 countries [6]

I think you need to improve the clarity of this line.

Thank you, Dumi! Actually I wanted to say that the US had by far the highest number of prisoners. If I add "for the majority of the period" after

Likewise, the USA outperformed the figures for the remaining four countries.

, will it be a little better?

Ummmmmm.... what exactly are you asking people to critique about or comment on this writing?

Hi, shadman19922! I would like them both to improve my writing.
MisterWandering   
Jun 23, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS: Many people are busy with work and not enough time for famliy [4]

because of high competition for the job

The population of city is grown up yearly, and everyone wants to have good salary and higher position, how to demonstrate you are the best of all competitors?

-> The population of cities has grown up yearly and people expect high salary as well as promotion.

The only way is working hardly hard, and working over time

-> One possible way to excel over other competitors is to work...

On the other words

-> In other words

Another reason is to refresh and upgrade our knowledge for of the new technology, for example , we have to can study more and process more information during our spare time.

highly pressures

-> high pressure

create health problem

-> suffer many health problems

dizzy, tired, cannot be concentrated

-> dizziness, tiredness and lack of concentration

to reduce the productivities of work

-> reduction in productivity
MisterWandering   
Jun 23, 2013
Writing Feedback / Ielts Task 1: Imprisonment levels in 5 countries [6]

The given table presents data concerning incarceration levels in five major nations around the world over a 50-year period.

Overall, imprisonment numbers varied considerably from one country to another. Likewise, the USA outperformed the figures for the remaining four countries.

In 1930, 100 thousand American citizens were sentenced to prison and subsequently rose by 30% the following ten years. Afterwards, statistics for the USA saw a steady decline prior to reaching a peak of 140 thousand in 1980. Australia and New Zealand also underwent a period of fluctuations with a gradual drop in the first half whereas there was an obviously upward trend in the second half.

Simultaneously, Great Britain had the lowest figure for confined people, occupying merely 20 thousand at the beginning of the period. Nonetheless, it had increased substantially by the end of the course, nearly tripling the 1930 mark. On the contrary, Canada experienced the most positive pattern with data falling by 20% from 1930 to 1980.



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MisterWandering   
Jun 23, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS: business and financial grew noticeably and become the most advanced area [3]

The chart presents the information about the proportion of three economic areas in UK in twentieth century

-> ... the UK in the twentieth century

business and financial services was developed most

-> business and financial services grew/developed the most

were taken up

-> took up/accounted for/constituted

In 1975, manufacturing was much higher in comparison with agriculture and , business and financial.

business and financial was mainly developed

business and financial grew noticeably and became the most advanced area

I hope these help!
MisterWandering   
Jun 15, 2013
Writing Feedback / Ielts: Changes in women's position in society cause juvenile deliquency [4]

Thank you, Sopha but the second sentence in the introduction is my thesis statement. I had better add some reasons for this.

Thank you again, Dumi! It seems that I always make my writing complicated and I'm trying to simply my idea expressions.
MisterWandering   
Jun 15, 2013
Writing Feedback / Ielts: Changes in women's position in society cause juvenile deliquency [4]

Topic: The position of women in society has changed markedly in the last twenty years. Many of the problems young people now experience, such as juvenile delinquency, arise from the fact that many married women now work and are not at home to care for their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

Some people claim that women's social status has undergone remarkable changes over the last two decades, the consequent of which is the rise in misbehavior of their children. Personally, I concede that working women are partially responsible for the wrongdoings of the youth.

To commence with, the ground of the breakthrough for women in modern society lies within the significance of education and social perceptions. In the past, gender inequality occurred in the majority of countries combined with the shortage of academic access would restrict female employment opportunities. On the contrary, thanks to the alteration in general notions of the society with the passing of time, women are capable of obtaining well-rounded education. As such, seldom are essential domains of the socio-economy dominated by men but more senior positions in politics or business are occupied by female counterparts. Accordingly, women have assured their increasing independence in the present community.

Simultaneously, it is undeniable that the more hours investing in workplace, the less time mothers are able to contact normally with their descendants. Indeed, owing to being engrossed in myriad volume of workload, women struggle to secure adequate time to either share emotional stories or inculcate moral guidance to their sons and daughters. In turn, the young turn to the Internet or their peers to compensate for the lack of maternal attention. Nonetheless, these external factors possibly have a negative impact on their thoughts and manners, begetting engagement in crimes such as thefts. Briefly, women should have certain control over the lives of their children.

To sum up, women undoubtedly have an apparently distinct role in the society but this potentially bring about the transgression of children. As such, working mothers are advised to be more involved with their kids' growth.
MisterWandering   
Jun 15, 2013
Writing Feedback / The Effects of TV on Society, especially on children; [7]

One of the greatest concerns parents when facing an international moves is " How is the influence of TV on society with their children?

-> It is believed that how TV influences children in the present society has drawn much parental attention.

In addition to, manufacturers have many channel for children such as: Disney channel, BiBi and a lot of show games

-> Besides/In addition/In addition to that, there have been various channels produced specifically for youngsters such as Disney Channel or Bibi.

Because of that , they can spend all day watching TV, they don't want to enjoy the activities outside

->Therefore/As a result/Accordingly, they much prefer spending the majority of their time watching TV to participating in outdoor activities

Secondly, it is bad effects with their health

-> Secondly, it has a negative impact on children's health.

As focus on screen for a long time - you are damaging your eyes

-> Watching the box from a near distance for hours would potentially cause harm to their eyesight

Futhermore, it will be very dangerous for your back, your aims, legs If you watching TV too much

->Furthermore, back pain and limb trouble are directly linked to the habit of watching TV too much.

The last and most important effects is children who can be influenced by violent film. Therefore, personality of them will growth toward nagative

-> Lastly, violent TV programs pose a threat to the personality development of children.

Lack of comunication skills is a challenge of themself themselves. Consequently, they have some problems with psychology.

-> Is it related to the preceding idea? You wrote "The last" on the preceding sentence.

TV is something we can't do without in our life,

-> TV plays an important part in our life

but the parent should teach them the way to choose an appropriate channel.

-> It is not clear and "them" should be replaced by children.

Hope these help!
MisterWandering   
Jun 14, 2013
Writing Feedback / Should children be encouraged to compete or co-operate? Discuss [4]

One of these fundamental skills is the ability of social communication.

-> I don't feel that this is related to the other sentences of the introduction.

Although, feeling competitive, they may lose to collaborate where it is needed.

->Nonetheless, they possibly struggle when it comes to situations requiring collaboration

if children be taught just to cooperate in any environment

-> should children be taught/if children are taught
MisterWandering   
Jun 14, 2013
Writing Feedback / Ielts: The cement and concrete making process [11]

The given diagrams provide an overview of the production of cement from available devices as well as how cement is used to manufacture concrete for construction purpose.

Overall, the cement production involves various stages from the beginning to ultimate product. Likewise, there are a number of prerequisites needed in the making of concrete.

With regard to the first diagram, limestone and clay are initially crushed by a crusher to form powder. Subsequently powder is then mixed prior to being carried into a rotating heater. In this step, a fire is required with the aim of guaranteeing heating. After that, the materials are then grounded to be converted into cement prior to packaging in bags.

Once produced, cement is one of the five inputs of producing concrete, accounting for 15% of the total mixture. Gravel, simultaneously, takes up the highest proportion with 50%. Besides, water and sand constitute the remaining 10% and 25%, respectively. Then a concrete mixer running clockwise is responsible for manufacturing final concrete from five aforementioned elements.



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MisterWandering   
Jun 14, 2013
Writing Feedback / Let's protect our Earth; Effects of Global Warming [4]

the natural disasters are occurred more than which in the past

-> natural disaters occur much more frequently than previously

and ...etc

-> and so forth.

These are the important causes of poverty in our society.

-> you should add several information. For example, the impacts of droughts to crops, notably in developing countries whose agriculture plays such an integral part...

In the other aspect ... if we compare it to the past.

-> you should split that long sentence into some shorter ones.

it may cause creation of a different kinds of viruses and bacterias

-> it possibly causes an outbreak of disease...

are suffered from

-> suffer from

On the other hand, agriculture is also another way to protect our climate , each societies should care this aspect , should allocate a budget to this great issue.

-> It is confusing. How will agriculture reduce global warming?

I hope these help.
MisterWandering   
May 27, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Some people think that family has more influence on the young adult [3]

Members of family are the first individuals who have more beneficial affects on their own adults.

What do you mean by "their own adults"? I think you could use children instead.

Others, however, believe that friends are the most important influence on young adults.

-> ...believe that friends are more influential ... -> You used the phrase "the most important influence" three times.

To begin with, family members are the first teachers for their own adults. Parents are the first persons that teach their own adults the fundamental social roles.

to teach adultsthem

how they canto talk to others

MisterWandering   
May 27, 2013
Writing Feedback / Ielts: % of Australian men and women with 5-levels of post-school qualifications [2]

The chart below shows the different levels of post-school qualifications in Australia and the proportion of men and women who held them in 1999. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The chart compares the percentage of Australian men and women holding five levels of post-school qualifications in 1999. Overall, males were generally inclined to outnumber female counterparts in the majority of the sectors, with the exception of bachelor's degree and undergraduate diploma.

One of the most striking features of the given chart is the apparent gender inequality in skilled vocational diploma with around 90% of male holders, nine times higher than data for females. Likewise, postgraduate diploma and master's degree statistics followed a consistent pattern. The former comprised 30% of female holders, less than a half of men who also achieved the same academic level. Simultaneously, more men secured a master's degree than women with a gap of 20%.

On the contrary, 70% of undergraduate diplomas were occupied by women, doubling corresponding figure for male learners. Additionally, the proportion of female students adopting a bachelor's degree was also higher than that of the opposite gender, with approximately 55% and 45% respectively.



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MisterWandering   
May 25, 2013
Writing Feedback / Happiness of working that one can achieve is the best in this world [3]

the number of people who committed suicide was dramatically raised

-> the number of people who committed suicide dramatically increased/there was a dramatic increase in the number of people...

Two main reasons will be aptly point out

-> pointed out

To begin with, by working not only you feel like you are doing your responsibility to your family also you feel like as a good citizen you are doing your responsibility towards your society.

-> it is confusing and not grammatically correct. You could say that: To begin with, working helps people fulfill their responsibilities for not only their families but also the whole society.

a society web site

-> a social website

an individual that actively works

rather than staying at home and doing nothing.

-> rather than those who spend most of their time staying at home and doing nothing

I wonder if the third paragraph actually support the idea you gave in the introduction. Also, you should avoid using "you" in such academic writing.

I hope my corrections help.
MisterWandering   
May 23, 2013
Writing Feedback / Ielts: What factors contribute to job satisfaction? How realistic are they? [2]

As most people spend a major part of their adult life at work, job satisfaction is an important element of individual wellbeing. What factors contribute to job satisfaction? How realistic is the expectation of job satisfaction for all workers?

It is true that job satisfaction has become a key factor when evaluating a worker's occupation in today's modern societies, which is the result of combination of several factors. However, to fulfill the expectations of every staff member of a company is such an impractical task.

First and foremost, recognition for an employee's efforts put into work is notably the top element of satisfaction level. In fact, he will be more contended and motivated if he perceives that his work are highly appreciated by supervisors and colleagues and as such, he will definitely continue to contribute his value to his organisation. In addition, the potential benefits deriving from the profession, namely income and promotion, are equally important. That is, compensation is a rewarding means of reflecting one's talents and achievements overall. Moreover, by aiming to move up the ranks will workers be encouraged to strive as hard as possible.

Nevertheless, job satisfaction should solely be analysed from individual perspective instead of communal one. To be more specific, it should be noted that some workers are working under such an uncomfortable environment that totally does not come up to their expectations. For instance, they have to put up with unapproachable bosses and unfriendly co-workers and keep performing their duties only with a view to making ends meet and paying for their daily living costs. Furthermore, in terms of the financial reward for the staff, if a manager simply offers a bonus to all subordinates, he will fail to focus on individuals who work much harder than others.

To sum up, employees' contentment generally comprises appreciation for their feats and rewards that they deserve to receive. Even so, satisfying all of them would undoubtedly be not effortless anyway.
MisterWandering   
May 22, 2013
Writing Feedback / TOEFL: I think that there are still a lot of different types of movies [3]

In my opinion I think that

-> If you use "In my opinion", you can omit "I think that" or vice versa

These films are what we call action movies, and from their names we can see that strong scenes, like car chase, explosions, and more are important parts of the movie's plot, and that it is somewhat necessary.

-> You can split the whole sentence into 2 shorter ones. I feel a little bit confused when reading this.

; as an important factor of the story.

-> which are such important factors

the film industry is making all kinds of movies that have their audience

-> with a view to attracting millions of viewers

hadn't changed one bit in the history of movie making

-> hasn't changed much ...

the explosions that where created in old movies differ greatly that the one created in new ones

-> that were created... differ greatly from those in modern films.

I hope these help.
MisterWandering   
May 22, 2013
Writing Feedback / Living in the countryside better in Vietnam [6]

I think you should add several conjunctions to your essay and use a wide variety of sentence structure because I see that the first two paragraphs contain 3 sentences starting with "There are"
MisterWandering   
May 21, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS: The development of a coastal village [3]

The diagrams below show the development of a small fishing village and its surrounding area into a large European tourist resort.
Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The given diagrams depicts the transformation of an European coastal village into a huge tourist resort from 1974 to 2004. Overall, there was a dramatic increase in the population, rising from 12000 in 1974 to 130000 with tourists combined.

Unlike other nearby regions, the original fishing village remained intact in 2004, with further extension at the back for the local people to reside. Meanwhile, the harbour adjacent to the village was replaced by the sandy beach. Along the coastline that was nearly empty in 1974 located many newly constructed hotels. Besides, the small plot of land which used to grow olives was converted into a larger farmland with the aim of providing fruit and vegetables for the visitors.

On the upper side of the hills, 2 scattered villages developed into densely-populated ones, along with shops built to attract customers. The infrastructure was also enhanced by a long road linked to the coast.



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MisterWandering   
May 21, 2013
Writing Feedback / IELTS; Students from rural areas find difficult to receive higher education [5]

In recent years, the concern for the students who are living in remote areas has aroused the attention of the public because universities seem to be quite difficult for them to entre.

-> That students living in remote areas have limited access to tertiary education has drawn much public attention in recent years.

these youngsters

-> I don't think they should be called "youngsters" as most university students are over 18 years of age.

unpractical

-> impractical?

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