Writing Feedback / Is it important that young people should know about history of their country? [2]


You need to express your view on this statement .Do you think it's importantfor them to learn history?


Well....here you need to stress the reasin as to why you believe young childen should learn history. So you need to rephrase it like:

If History is not taught in school as a subject then young children may not realize the importance of their heritage.

Writing Feedback / Teachers should not encourage the children to think in the same way [4]


... I wish you replaced the first part by "In my view" or "I believe that "



non democratic countries


... not very clear what you say


... again, you need to rephrase this line to improve clarity

Graduate / As a life time student athlete I was devastated; CASPA narrative for PA school [11]


Yes, now you need to tell how well you would fit in with this profession. Talk about certain characteristics you have that are important for this profession. Don't just state, but present them more convincingly as you did in your earlier parts. Also, tell the efforts that you have made so far to pursue your passion to become a PA. If you have any achievements or credentials in this respect, you should tell them.

Student Talk / Need help with writing IELTS Essays [10]

Yes.... we can help you. First click on "New Thread". Select "Writing Feedback" at the forum category. Then write a meaningful topic together with the purpose (e.g. IELTS; Food preperation has become easier nowadays - Do you agree?) in the space allowed for "Subject" . Then type your essay in the Message. Make sure you include your prompt at the top of the message that helps you earn very good feed backs (that are more relevant) from others.

Writing Feedback / Any means can be taken to attain a worthy goal;GRE Issue [4]


... good advice!


... impressive start! You have opened it with the right point .... very good!
"Arise! Awake! Never stop till the goal is achieved" said great Swamy Vivekananda, the renowned sage who always stood by his principles.


...you need to combine the two sentences.


... this is not clear to the reader because they do not know the significance of this speech (at least you need to assume so) . So either you need to describe the background or leave it out.

Grammar, Usage / 'Do you enjoy pain...' - help me correct a simple sentence? [4]


I feel you better break this sentence with the answer to the question. Then relate the skiing pains. I mean split the sentence to two;

Does anyone enjoy pain? Of course not, especially during your leisure activities. This is why Ski lovers whose body reaches a velocity of up to 120 mph, need to take care of these small tips; positive mind, rules to follow and looking out for equilibrium.

Graduate / As a life time student athlete I was devastated; CASPA narrative for PA school [11]

what's the prompt? or is this your SOP?

Writing Feedback / SAT: Do changes that make life easier not necessarily make them better? [8]


... that humans have become too much dependent on technology to manage their everyday life.


... I removed that part due to redundancy.


.. atomic bomb
Are you within the expected word count?

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - Do you like comfortable living or large amount of money? [4]


... Well... it's better if you write your thesis (your position on the issue) in the introduction itself. Then you can give reasons for taking that position and back those reasons with specific examples in your body paragraphs.


... here you narrow down the topic to a specific scenario.However, your prompt is more generalized. So, I feel you should not narrow it down so much when you are trying to introduce your prompt. I wish you kept it broad in the intro.

Hey... Now I see that you are following the structure. Very good :)
also, post your TOEFL essays into Writing Feedback forum :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Food is now easier to prepare than ever; Specific reasons & examples [7]

You can improve with practice. First, as I mentioned above, understand the structure and arrange your writing accordingly. Write shorter sentences to contain one idea per sentence. That helps improve clarity.

Take the following line for example;


.... This is too long and ideas not properly organized;
Nowadays, man people struggle to find time to prepare meals at home due to their busy schedules. Therefor they depend on fast foods and using microwave for easy preparation of meals. However, these solutions can affect people both negatively and positively.

Writing Feedback / Research Report three hostels in Sydney [2]


You better start with introducing the city and its connection to hostels;
Sydney, the capital of Australia is a place flooded with backpacker hostels.


This research will examine the three hostels, namely Nomads Westerd (NW), Sydney Central (SC), Wake Up (WU), and compare them in terms of their convenience of location, prices and facilities.

Graduate / As a life time student athlete I was devastated; CASPA narrative for PA school [11]

Sorry for being late !
What's your prompt? That may be a reason why others did not provide their comments because it's difficult to provide feed backs without knowing the purpose of your writing.

Anyways, let's have a look at what you've written;


... a typo :)


...
I was fascinated by her outgoing and compassionate personality


She did not let me feel like her patient, instead she made me feel that we need to work together for faster recovery


Good ...:) your case is convincing :)

Letters / Letter about building a factory in my neighborhood-feedback [4]


It's good if you posted the prompt so that we can understand the contents better. I assume that this letter to express your concerns over building a factory in your neighborhood.


This with reference to the recent announcement made on construction of a factory in our neighborhood, XXXXX (you need to give a name there)


Although the majority of the residents feel that this would disturb the peace and harmony in our neighborhood, I personally believe that this project will bring great benefits to our community.

Writing Feedback / International and traditional music should be treasured and respected equally. [6]


.... I cannot find any relevance of this sentence to your topic or the rest of the essay you have written. What's your point in having this line?


.... hey... here you are telling the opposite of what you've stated above ... did you mean that "there is no doubt" ? (above line)

.... If you are preparing for TOEFL or IELTS, it's important that you include more specific examples to back your reasons. In this paragraph you have several reasons, but I don't find specific examples.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay about value life experience [6]


Ok... let's take your prompt again;


You started the essay saying;


... well, when writing the introduction, your primary objective should be to introduce the topic/prompt clearly. In that case you can get lots of help from the prompt but need to rephrase it without copying one to one. Here you have attempted to get an entrance, but it sounds too complicated to the reader. Until I saw your topic, I couldn't catch the idea clearly. I feel you have some idea about the essay structure.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay-Movies should present positive values. Y or N ? [7]

movies and television programs have become an indispensable partspart of our daily life



.... this does not convey your position clearly. Take a firm position and tell it direct.
Your essay contains necessary features that are expected for this task. Have a look at the following page to get an idea about scoring guidelines so that you can assess your own essays: ets.org/toefl/pbt/scores/writing_score_guide/

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay about value life experience [6]

You better include the prompt in your post to earn more relevant feed backs. It's difficult to understand what exactly your prompt means as you have mentioned only a part of it.



.... hardships are not necessarily be mistakes that we make in life. So, why you connect them with mistakes. What you should have said is that hardships create opportunities for one to learn very valuable lessons for life that will help him to be successful in future endeavors.

Writing Feedback / IELTS T2: In what ways has technology affected the types of relationship people make? [5]

Others have provided you with good feed backs. :)


... try to align with your prompt better;
On the other hand, technology acts as a hindrance to forming strong relationships between people.


...nice example.... yes , you are right. However, I only hope this is a cooked up story and you really didn't experience this....LOL


.... may make

Writing Feedback / What is the responsibility of an educational institution? [6]


.... why future generations? how about the present generation?
Also, "preparing for future careers" seems a bit stereotyped generalization. In my view, they have many responsibilities and may be the primary responsibility is to help increase student's knowledge in a range of subjects in preparing him for the future challenges. Career is one such challenge. Schools are also responsible in producing disciplined citizens to society.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL/ Do you agree that professional athletes deserve high salaries ? [8]


.... "show up" or "appear". As April April suggested, "appear" sounds better.


get involved with many social activities


... Well... your idea is not conveyed clearly.... Write short sentences, each sentence to contain one idea. I guess this is what you try to say;

The people who think this is unfair do not understand the sacrifices made by Byrant Kobe or David Beckham in their journey towards success.


... Stop at stating your position. The reader knows you are going to justify your position with reasons.
Also, post all TOEFL essays into Writing Feedback forum.

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2:Shopping as a replacement of hobbies and other leisure activities. [7]


.... love to do shopping / love shopping


.... should be present tense. Also, in my view, this sentence does not add much value to your essay. In fact, people do window shopping just to enjoy the experience but not to buy stuff. Also, your prompt speaks about shopping becoming popular as a leisure activity and better talk about things that have more prominence to that fact. For example;

Nowadays, shopping has become a leisure activity for many people. Although there are other reasons too, rewarding themselves for their hard work seems to be the primary reason for many people to engage in this activity.

Take lots of help from the prompt!

Writing Feedback / Living with Family vs. Living in dormitory While Studying in the University [3]


.... Replace "shall" with "should"


Well.... is this response for IELTS or TOEFL? You better mention that in your topic (Subject field - when you open a new thread) and also include the prompt in your post. Then others know how to comment on your essay. If this is for one of those task, I'd suggest you to follow this structure and read the samples I'm providing.

Writing Feedback / Benefit of supermarket and how it affects on small buisness [4]


.... what's the link between the first section (corner shop being squeezed...) and the shopping habit? You should have taken the second idea into a new sentence. This line is anyway too long.

I have a few concerns with regard to your essay structure. Your introduction seems to be too long and you do have only one body paragraph...

Also, what's the purpose of this writing? I guess this is for TOEFL as I find one of your other threads is for that. Always, better mention the purpose and include your prompt so that others are able to provide you with more relevant comments. Another thing - please post this type of essays into "Writing Feedback" Forum.

Writing Feedback / <TOEFL> Is it good to have students employed? [3]


... Well, this sentence looks pretty long and had you broken up to a few sentences, if would have been more effective;
It is commonly known that studies are a very costly affair in many countries, especially the tertiary education.Therefore in most of the countries, the students are encouraged to work whild pursuing their studies.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL- "A development of more intensive ways to exploit the natural environment" [7]


Well.... I don't think that you really need to worry about complex vocab structure.... this is a pretty simple task. When I did TOEFL, I had lots of help from this site. Also, this TOEFL official site and you can get an idea how they rate you.

Read others essays to pick points for similar tasks. Practice would help you a lot to improve your writing within allocated time frame. :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL- "A development of more intensive ways to exploit the natural environment" [7]

This is your first time in EF, I guess...So, I first wish to request you to post all your TOEFL essays into "Writing Feedback" forum. Also, provide a meaningful topic in the "Subject" field in your future essays. :)

This is very good writing... You follow the right structure; good content; excellent vocabulary.... You surely can aim for a good score.... Only be mindful about the time factor as this task has a major bearing on it.

Good Luck!

Writing Feedback / ielts task 2: do we should exclude males and females from certain jobs? [4]


.... well... men and women belong to two different genders and what you need to say is that there is no "gender preference" in the jobs that men and women do. In other words, the employers seek the person with right skills and qualifications irrespective of their gender differences. Always try to keep your writing aligned with the topic.

Writing Feedback / The influence of the internet has done more harm than good [6]


... you don't have to say this in the introduction as the reader anyway expects that you'd talk more elaborately on these points in your body paragraphs.



... I like if you replace the word "special" with "unique"

Writing Feedback / Toefl: more important to work at a job that you enjoy than to earn a lot of money [5]


.... well... this sounds a bit illogical generalization... Of course there are lots of people who are not willing to do a job that they have no interest even if the job pays them well. So, you should have replaced the word "Many" with "Some" and add the word "like", - then it makes more sense;

Some people like to work for a job that pays high, regardless of whether they generate any satisfaction for them or not.

Undergraduate / "Customers are always right" OR"Teachers are always right"; Ateneo Application Essay [4]

It's better if you had included your prompt or the purpose of this writing in your post. Then others can understand the contents better and also they are able to align your response with what your prompt really asks from you.


... this is fine... However, this what I suggest;
Because of one encounter that I had with one of my teachers in the elementary class, my perception of teachers of teachers being always right, got shattered.


.... Well this sounds a bit vague... how did it happen? better be more descriptive.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL Essay-Professional athletes do not deserve the high salaries Y or N? [5]


... Well, I don't see a strong link between these two ideas. In the first sentence you talk about why sports is important and in the second one you talk about how sports professionals are perceived by others. You should have started talking about sports guys and how they are admired by their fans. Then you should have tackled the argument. What is more important is introducing your prompt to the reader and then stating your position on the argument.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL; Nowadays, dependence on neighbors is much less compared to previous eras [2]


Better you introduce the prompt first and then express your view on it.



.... why you used the word "violation" ? .... you violate laws or rules ... I cannot find any sort of relevance here :(



.... people meet / people are meeting

Undergraduate / The canadian embassy wants me to me to submit my future about canada. Any ideas? [17]


This letter is intended to inform you the details of my studies in Canada such as the duration of study and the long term study plan.


My study program will commence on the 20 August 2013 and ends on the 30 October 2014, which is approximately one year and two months. (6 hours per day for each course).


I hope to major in Industrial Design at the Aviron Technical Institute in Canada and upon completion of the course I would return to my home country, Gambia in hope of making my contribution to my country by utilizing the newly acquired knowledge.

Undergraduate / The only thing I fear is fear itself- for the common application!! :) [5]

:D .... May be others won't agree with me and find I have sugarcoated you. So, be prepared for that too :D :D ...LOL
But, for me , I really like it and said it from my heart without any intention of sugar coating your writing capabilities ;)
It's a powerful idea and you've presented it with so much simplicity... that's why I said it's quite creative :D

Writing Feedback / 'cultural homogenization'; Effects of increasing tourism in different countries [6]



... well... it is the technological advancement and not the globalization effects that had caused a decline in transportation costs.


... First, I prefer you take this sentence off from the essay as the reader anyway knowing that is what you are going to do in coming paras. Second, even if you keep this line in the essay, you should say what you are going to analyse - you are going to analyse the merits and demerit of increasing tourism!

Writing Feedback / GRE Analyze an argument; Child-rearing traditions in Tertia [6]


... what Dr Karp argues is that Dr Field's conclusion of Tertian village culture is invalid (not his research is invalid) and therefore his research approach (which is an observation based approach) is also invalid. This is not properly conveyed from what you have written.

Undergraduate / The only thing I fear is fear itself- for the common application!! :) [5]


I did my very first road trip when I was just five.
I couldn't find anything to suggest for further improvement and I find this is very creative writing.... I like your unique style of presenting ideas and you cleverly create the scene in reader's mind. Good job and good luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS TASK2:things learned by children from watching tv and movies [9]


... television and films - two things


"numerous arguments were discussed" - this sounds odd ... people argue or people discuss .... they don't discuss arguments (they can do this too , but it is not what you try to mean here)

Ever since television and film industry were invented, there had been, and still are, endless arguments on how they would affect the younger generation.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 'do everything by rules'; children learn to be good members of society [6]


... This needs improvements. You should introduce your topic to the reader very clearly. Also, this is the opening of your essay and it should come with a punch as it's going to make the first impression about your writing. You can get lots of help from the prompt; all you've got to do is rephrase!

It is important that we teach our children how to be good members of society because its future lies in their hands. Some people hold the view that it is the parents' responsibility to make them more responsible citizens while some others believe that schools play a more important role in this regard than parents.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: solve growing traffic and pollution problems - people's awareness [5]


.... this is grammatically not incorrect, but deviates slightly from what your prompt expects;
Some countries increase petrol prices as a measure to address issues such as increasing road traffic and air pollution.


Such efforts would not mitigate traffic problems or air pollution, but may cause poverty among people.