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Posts by tkkt1
Joined: Aug 27, 2009
Last Post: Jan 12, 2011
Threads: 11
Posts: 47  

From: United States of America

Displayed posts: 58 / page 1 of 2
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tkkt1   
Jan 12, 2011
Undergraduate / "A piano composer, creator, scientist, and animal lover" - I am applying to Cornell [3]

Not only do I feel that I am a creator in the musical world, but also the natural world.
--- I slightly understand the gist of what you mean, but how are you a CREATOR in the natural world?

Although I am a creator of several compositions, I believe that I possess the aptitude to uncover mysteries and resolve questions in the scientific world as well.

--- The word although signifies a contrast or a oppositional relationship and neither exists in this sentence.

***Your second paragraph is fine in terms of content but it is mostly composed of short simple sentences. Try varying format and sentence types (complex, complex-compound).

Veterinarians who work in research augment the society's awareness of new diseases and cures.
--- Augment in this context sounds weird, just use increase.

I look forward to the research components of the program and ponder that someday I will be that individual who makes a difference.
--- I think you used ponder in the wrong context. Ponder is more like wonder.

My past experience with exotics made me realize my interest in discovering more about these animals.
---- Exotic animals, exotics can't stand alone as an adjective?

Take my comments as suggestions and good luck!

Take a look at my essay, return the favor!
tkkt1   
Jan 10, 2011
Graduate / applying to MA in Comm. Sci. and Disorders with BA in Linguistics + teaching exp. [8]

Grammatically your essay is fine as it should be since you're interested in linguistics. Your essay includes the semantics and grammar, but maybe you should expand and include that you would also like to explore the pragmatics of language too (perhaps broadening your horizons?).

I would greatly appreciate it if you took a look at my essay.
tkkt1   
Jan 9, 2011
Undergraduate / Study Abroad Essay- Barcelona (your first choice program) [5]

*** I would like comments on how to cut down on word count by answering the questions succinctly. Other input would also be greatly appreciated.
*** I will return the favor.

- Briefly explain why you would like to participate in your first choice program.
- How does it fit into the scheme of your education?
- You may wish to comment on what you feel will be the most challenging (or most rewarding) about your selected location, or what skills (i.e., language) you hope to improve.

- Please elaborate on what advantages specific to your interests and enthusiasms come with studying a civilization on site.

Five days, four hundred units, three lectures and a math tutorial are all organized neatly to make my winter quarter schedule. The scheme of my education is currently mapped out without room for error and exploration. It is outlined by the plain black print of text books and the stark walls of the classroom which have always unfailingly left me dissatisfied, but I yearn to break out of this academic routine. Although I have always had a full course load, I have never been a full time student; a class syllabus only plans my education within a lecture hall. Studying abroad is like a 24 hour class without a syllabus and it has always been my plan to, well, learn without a plan. I possess this intellectual curiosity to seek answers to questions beyond what a formal education might supply.

In a city bursting with life like Barcelona, lessons will arrive as smells, sounds, textures, sights and flavors. The sound of grandmothers bargaining for the morning's catch will help me improve on my language skills as I'll try to decipher their rapid chatter. The flavors of paella will expand my picky palette. The smell of incense will draw me into the Catedral de Barcelona where I can delve into a religion that is not my own. The sight of the Barcelona skyline, a medley of acroterions, myriad domes, mosaics, and finials, will be the place where I fall effortlessly deeper in love with Catalan modernism.

My gaze will pay tribute to the unsung hero of modernisme architecture, Domčnech i Montaner. At the turn of the century, he seized the opportunity to usher in a new form of modern design, rampant as it was with neo-Gothic motifs that linked the Barcelona's industrialization to its rich medieval history. His creations captured the blend of civic pride and social rise of the time; the buildings still radiate these sentiments that I wish so much to feel as I learn about the people who lived in it hundreds of years ago. There is no other way or place where I can have such an experience where everything I eat, breathe, and live is connected to my education.

However, I am hesitant to venture down the cobble stone roads that lead to performances of the Flamenco and matches of bullfighting. Barcelona's vivacity will be sure to not only inspire novel ideas but also ignite questions that might be left unexpressed. I am fearful of having questions to be answered but not having the ability to ask them, but this concern will soon fade as I learn Barcelona pronunciation and new jargon.

Although I'll arrive with a heavy English accent, exposure to vulnerability and error is what makes growth possible. With growth, I will experience other ways of thinking and only then will I finally acquire a true education: an education that does not make an empty brain into one that is packed with information, but instead transforms it into an open mind.

-Thuy T.
tkkt1   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / Theatre Volunteering- Common App Extracurricular Expand... [2]

I can't find anything grammatically wrong with the essay. The content sounds sincere and well written also. Theres not much to do with the word limit.

Return the favor and read my essay please
tkkt1   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / UPenn: 217 - grandfather, cranes, and faulkner! [5]

In any case, hospitals always evoked memories of my grandfather. He was my best friend, my teacher, and my hero and I absolutely hated the fact that I associate such a great man to such a bland environment.

if
Vardaman's mother is a fish.
then
My grandfather is a crane.
I have know idea what you're talking about and Adcoms may not too

Take my comments as suggestions, good luck

Return the favor and read my essay please:
tkkt1   
Dec 30, 2009
Undergraduate / UVA/Brown Supplement - Buffalos [2]

This is well written but I don't see the connection between the prompt and you answer. Where do you categorize Cross Country in the list of art, music, science, mathematics, or literature? Just general feedback: talk about how you overcame the challenge and the usual what you learned from the experience.

Good luck

Return the favor and read my essay please:
tkkt1   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Lucid Dreaming, Stanford Supplement - Intellectually Engaging Idea [6]

Yet in a lucid dream, andan individual could just as easily befriend or enslave this beast.

Lucid dreaming allows a sense of security in that the dreamer in that he knows that there is no actual danger from the occurrence. He is also given a chance at transcendence and the ability to alter that which he normally could not.

I'd keep it gender neutral with "a person" or "we"

How about tell it as if you have experienced a lucid dream? Very interesting topic nonetheless. Take my comments as suggestions. good luck

Return the favor and read my essay please.
tkkt1   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / AADP charity - Extracurricular Activity for Common App [4]

Later extending my responsibilities to phone duties; putting together donor test kits; making calls to reach out to potential donors; and gathering donors' and patients' information.

This is a sentence fragment, it lacks a subject. Who is doing all these things? Also, semi-colons should be replaced by commas instead.

In supporting the staff at AADP andBy talking to donors and patients, I got a good understanding of the plight of patients who need bone marrow transplants and the difficulties of locating matching donors. I have learned about those in need of healthcare and the challenges they confronted.You learned of that such people just existed? What are you trying to say in this sentence?

Just take my changes as suggestions. Good luck!

Return the favor and please read my essay:
tkkt1   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / 'the science behind my injury' - CORNELL College of Agriculture and Life Sciences [2]

To tell you the truth, I don't remember the exact count on the batter or even what pitch was called.

After talk to my pediatrician I was informed to go get an MRI done and have injections into my elbow.

I wanted to know what was going on and understand everything behind this injury just as I did to all my previous ones. However, I knew this one would be more serious than the others. This is when I met Dr. Bae, an orthopedic surgeon in Boston.

----Focus your essay more on answering the prompt. You tell this interesting story but you need to tie it more directly on how this experience specifically helped you pick a major. Just take my changes as suggestions. Good luck!

Return the favor and read my essay please.
tkkt1   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / "a tall, lanky Indian boy" - Stanford Supplement: Roomate Essay [5]

As a tall, lanky Indian boy, I am very easy to stereotype, but my peers always quickly discover that I have my peculiaritiesthat are highlighted by what I love to do.

It? is not limited to science or even academics.

There is hardly a sport out there that I don't like, though team sports top the list.
--though it does give the idea that you're a team player, it doesn't really connect well to the preceding idea.

Despite my competitive nature, I value much more than winning . value what?

Just take my changes as suggestions. Good luck
tkkt1   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / unique qualities, Stanford Supplement-- Why is Stanford a good place for me. [5]

The three main components of the Stanford community which appealedrevise to present tense, they still appeal to you don't they? to me most were the rigorous academics, the active student body, and the diversity.

The competitive and rigorousreplace the word with a similar onelearning environment at Stanford would only make me more determined to excel.

You express yourself and your passion for Stanford well. Take my changes as suggestions.

Return the favor and read my essay please
tkkt1   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Cornell CALS AEM - Interests/Related experience how influence your major? [5]

Your peers have a large effect on your life; it is the way that you utilize the effect that matters most.
---Refer this sentence to yourself and relate it to your experiences. Use my peers instead.
Iutilizedthis skill and benefited from it by getting high grades in the math classes.
The word utilized makes it sound like you're trying too hard because it doesn't quite fit in the context of the sentence. Also, what skill or type of skill?

Now, my parents involve themselves in an EBay business.That is why, at the age of nine, I began involving myself in business by making small money by reading emails and clicking links.

Thats a bit awkward, just say what you're trying to say.

---Relate your essay back to the school. Take my changes as suggestions. Good luck.

Return the favor and read my essay please:
tkkt1   
Dec 29, 2009
Scholarship / scholarship: saving poverty housing [8]

No short and sweet is good. It directly answers the prompt and thats what readers are looking for. Good job.

Return the favor and read my essay please:
tkkt1   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Profile Questions and "Why Stanford" - Stanford Supplement Essays [4]

Being sustainable is a challenge we are currently facing.Passive voice, revise into active voice. Who is we, and who is being?

I've visited Stanford University just once and already had an adventure there . I have only visited Stanford once and I have alread had....There is a reason why a school becomes as renowned as Stanford does; I didn't have to venture very far to find out why.doesn't make sense and is unnecessary

I had been sitting on the steps in front of Memorial Hall waiting for my tour guide to arrive when I noticed the harmonious traffic of bicycles traveltraveling around a fountain.

Return the favor and read my essay please
tkkt1   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / UPenn Autobiography Supplement Question- Page 217 [3]

The Nationality Law of 1987 states that a Jordanian man can pass on his identity to his non-Jordanian wife granted she has lived in the country for 3 years if she is an Arab national or 5 years if she is a non-Arab, as well as passing on his nationality to his children.

---This sentence is trying to explain way too much. I'm confused especially about the highlighted part. Are you trying to say citizenship?

I was previously assigned as a Jordanian ambassador todiscuss international marketing and international policies and regulations overseas.
Use commas

Very good essay the expresses your goals and character.

Return the favor and read my essay please:
tkkt1   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Upenn Supplement: Bioengineering + EWB [12]

Hello again, this is one of two essays that I wrote for this prompt. (this one is kind of the disaster one, so I'm probably going to use the other one) Its also a combo of every other essay I have written so far. Please give feed back!

3. Benjamin Franklin established the Union Fire Company, the Library Company of Philadelphia, the American Philosophical Society, Pennsylvania Hospital, and, of course, the charity school that evolved into the University of Pennsylvania. As they served the larger community of Philadelphia, each institution in turn formed its own community.

Which of the academic communities and social communities that now comprise the University of Pennsylvania are most interesting to you and how will you contribute to them and to the larger Penn community?

Thuy-Khue Tran is Common Application ID number _______. I am a number. I am another application in a stack of hundreds. I can only hope and dream that double spaced 12 point font can fully portray the extent of my ambitions and the essence of who I am, but only my family members- all 200 of them- know me well beyond an application number. Thus, I am searching for an extended family within the halls of University of Pennsylvania-a second home can provide me with an academic and supportive community.

University of Pennsylvania's community of students and faculty members will guide me to build a strong foundation in mathematics, science, humanities and language-- nurturing its students to become true renaissance men and women. Distinct programs like the Bioengineering Program will allow me to satiate my curiosity for the natural world by discovering all the possibilities that it contains, whether it be by turning material waste into energy, growing bones for stem cells or finding a cure for the hiccups. The laboratories will be my playground-a glorious oasis where I can explore, hypothesize and experiment. At the School of Engineering and Applied Science, I will not only uphold a high degree of academic excellence, but also a high degree of ethical excellence.

In the future, I hope to join University of Pennsylvania's Engineers Without Borders chapter-a group that maintains a moral standard of an engineer's obligation to the public, profession and to the world. My membership will serve as a medium to my power to change the world and shape the direction of the future as an engineer. The walls of a classroom will not limit my work in engineering for I plan to use my skills to help improve the quality of life for people struggling to get access to water in Zambia or Cameroon. By joining, I will advocate and pass on the philosophy of Engineers Without Borders because UPenn will have taught me to use my education to make a difference, whether it be in a local neighborhood or in a neighborhood that is four thousand miles away. The Upenn community is not restricted by the gates of its campus or any other physical barrier; it is boundless because it lies in the spirit and actions of the students and faculty. As a part of this unique community, I will put my efforts into the service of helping others from all backgrounds: from fourth graders in West Philadelphia with the Netter Center for Community Partnerships to mothers in third-world countries with Engineers Without Borders. There is irreplaceable compassion and diversity in the community of University of Pennsylvania much like in a family.

Therefore I find UPpenn a perfect match, for I seek a home away from home, the college of my dreams, a sanctuary of higher learning, and the key to emancipate the full extent of my knowledge. It is important that I find my niche where other gifted minds see UPenn's limitless opportunities as their beacon to go above and beyond and to exceed all expectations-even their own. I have found my niche at University of Pennsylvania; it is where I belong.

Whether I am in the great lecture auditorium at UPenn or in my cozy living room, I am still not simply Common Application ID number ________. I am a young woman striving for the extraordinary, living my life without inhibitions hoping to encounter a little thing called happiness.
tkkt1   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Uchicago "Describe a road that you know (real, imagined or metaphorical)" Essay [8]

From the very beginning, I came to realize that personal success would ultimately depend on my inner [...]
I was oblivious to the notion that things would only become progressively challenging.

----Unnecessary paragraph that repeats the same things later on in your essay except in convoluted ways.

hen Jesse was laid off and struggled to find work. He had an education equivalent to that of a 6th grader because he dropped out of school to take care of his mother after his father had died. Jesse, his daughter, and I were evicted from our home and forced to live in a single bedroom at his local relatives house. We had nothing but the clothes on our back and his rusted old truck that was now running on less than fumes. We were forbidden to use the shower by his relatives' boyfriend because he paid the bills and was not a fan of us staying there. We had no other alternative but to take showers at the neighboring campgrounds.

After two months, which felt more like an eternity, Jesse accepted a job as a truck driver making $9 an hour. It was as best as he could do and we made do with it. He was able to scrape together enough money to rent another house but it was in worse shape than the previous one we had lived in. It was the dead of winter and we had no fuel to heat the house. I remember trying to study in my tattered winter jacket and becoming distracted by my own frosty breath. My hands were so cold and raw that I had found difficulty in holding a pen and turning the pages of my textbook. Mornings weren't much better. There were plenty of instances when there was no hot water and I took icy cold showers in our 50 degree house. The situation was becoming unbearable and I had difficulty completing homework and other assignments for school because I was required to get a job to assist with the bills.


----Very touching story, but then again you're just telling a story. Yes it does give us insight into your struggles but you have to keep this is concise and clear. List these hardships and spend the rest of your wordcount on how you overcame this or grew from this experience.

Good luck from a U of Chicago EA-er!

Return the favor and read my essay please:
tkkt1   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Cornell Engineering Essay - Catapult Creation [6]

This is well written but you seem to forget there are 2 parts to the prompt that you should answer equally well. Expand on how Cornell can help you achieving your goals and keep elaborating on that. Good luck!

Return the favor and read my essay please:
tkkt1   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / uchicago extended essay: write about something that you have outgrown [3]

This is a good start but since it is U of Chicago's extended essay then it should be longer. The rest of your essay should give insight in your writing style, personality, dreams, and character. Keep writing and good luck from a UChicago EA-er.
tkkt1   
Dec 29, 2009
Undergraduate / Why Am I interested in Engineering? - Cornell Supplement [3]

...I regularly spent my Fridays as a 11 year oldredundant building and programming Lego Robots to do specific tasks.
Perhaps it was the idea that even the simplest of movements for the Lego robot would mean a long complex series of commands on the computer fascinated me.Sentence is grammatically awkward

Or maybe,Those two words make it into a fragment. it was the challenge of having to build and create a robot with the ability to do a variety of tasks that fascinated me.

Just like the FIRST Lego League, we were given a set of "missions" to complete using a robot that met certain parameters of the Science Olympiad requirements.

The idea that even the seemingly simplest of everyday objects can be combined to build a complex robot, intrigued me.

Take my changes as suggestions. Good luck!

Return the favor and read my essay please
tkkt1   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / UPenn Communities Essay... a balance between work and play [4]

I traveled to Israel in the summer of my junior year to learn about the origins and similarities between the Christianity and Judaism, and formed lasting friendships with Jews from all over the worldIt seems like you're singling that group out which is a bit awkward. Also, clarify what you mean by all over the world because you only visited one country..

Other than that, really good essay. You answer the prompt very well.

Return the favor and read my essay please.
tkkt1   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Upenn- Page 217 Middle-aged teenager [5]

----I wrote this as writing my biography now so its in the past. I haven't reach quite one page yet so if you have any recommendations about what to add then that would be great.

OPTIONAL (Truly) <-----What a big fat lie

4. You have just completed your 300-page autobiography. Please submit page 217.

...eyes snapped open at that moment. My mother's wavering voice continued to recount how my father had collapsed at work. She frantically said, "I, I...I need to be there." An ambulance had rushed my father to Stanford Hospital at 12:40 A.M and in the same manner of the ambulance, my mother had rushed through the empty freeways to get to the emergency room.

At the age of fourteen, I understood what my mother and father needed from me now. The gravity of what had just happened seeped into me like the numbing cold of the brisk air outside. All the discussions inside locked cars about medical insurance policies and wills had prepared me for this kind of moment. I methodically unlocked the worn leather briefcase that held all of my family's important documents: birth certificates, social security cards, citizenship records. Every paper was archived where my mother said it would be all those talks ago. My father's tattered medical binder lay beneath dog-eared folders that were browned with age. It read that his birthday was on April 1st, 1945-that was a lie, a lie that he did not intentionally tell. A fugitive of the Vietnam War, my father lost many things as he immigrated from country to country, including his real birth date. He turned 70 years-old two months ago; his health is debilitated by Ménière's disease, extreme vertigo, hearing loss and a wide variety of other ailments that had come with old age. I took another look to ensure that his files were updated and accurate and put them in the overnight bag.

Logic held my feelings of concern and dread at bay. My role in the family was not to act like a panicked and immature adolescent, but a level-headed and considerate sister, daughter and caretaker. As I zipped up the duffel bag, I realized that I have been middle-aged for quite a while. I enjoy afternoon naps and the smell of Bengay ointment. My life is a fusion of two cultures and eras; my parents raised me to embrace the traditional values of a 1960's Vietnamese home although I am a child of the twenty first century.

So the forty-year-old me waited patiently for my mother to return as the fourteen-year-old me allowed one tear to escape.
tkkt1   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / Stanford "Intellectual Vitality" Essay about Dementia [4]

I stared keenly into my grandmother's age-wearied eyes, puzzled by the uncommon sense of unfamiliarity I found within her hazel gaze.

---Who or what was puzzled?

The second paragraph just takes up space and does not say much. I think you can elaborate more on talking about how your grandmother's illness is intriguing- the logistics of it. You only touch on answering the prompt. Good luck!

Return the favor and read my essay please:
tkkt1   
Dec 27, 2009
Undergraduate / Northwestern Supplement Seeking the Relationships Between the Outerworld Help [17]

I have become far more resistant to seek relationships with the rest of the world. My lab work experience has carried over. I even approach relationships with people with some hesitation. While that hesitation hasn't fully gone, I have been reminded of their prominence, both through beauty and with other people.

---What are you trying to say in this paragraph? I think I know what you're hinting at, but it would be much better to just describe the influence that lab experience has had on your social outlook.

---Also, who are they? Not clear on what you're talking about.

* Discuss more about the academics of Northwestern and how it appeals to you. The view of the school should be one of your points but not the main one. Be specific about your major and what NW has to offer in helping you achieve your dream. Show that you have passion and knowledge. Good luck!

Return the favor and read my essay please
tkkt1   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / if you like in-n-out burger.....READ THIS UPENN ESSAY. [3]

As we coast closer to the Golden Gate Bridge, I am reminded of a familiar sight-a sight that ended all my summer travels to China as a kid. I quickly go through a to-do list in my head as the wheels of the plane hit the ground and send it hurtling at the massive airport: get off the plane, get my bags, take a cab to my hotel, and quickly rush to Stanford University.<---(Kind of a touchy subject mentioning a rival college in your Upenn essay, but it does make sense later on in your essay. Just my thoughts though.)

Well written essay. Good luck! Take my changes as suggestions

Return the favor and please read my essay:
tkkt1   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Home - there is always my heart - and it is everywhere. Common App Essay [7]

"There's an entire Salvador Dali exhibit up. Do you know him? I think you'd like him," she said as we entered the lobby of the MoMA.

There was nothing alluring in the orange-gray field; not even the sky had the ability to sustain life, but then I noticed a girl in a pink dress--a single girl sitting in the field with her back turned towards us.

Look at how she's longing to reach it, and how close she is but ,yet how far away it still is," my sister said. "It's like every person's perpetual longing to reach home."

I could only imagine a two-story house with an acre-wide backyard, breakfast made by my mother every morning, and nights spent watching movies with my father;things which were not of my own home, but were illusions of a home I wish I had.

I grew up listening to the adage, "Home is where the heart is." Only now, as a seventeen year old senior , do I understand what it means.

Return the favor please and read my essay:
tkkt1   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Aviary Pagoda, Yuen Long Park, Hong Kong. Common App revisions - "Broadening Horizons" [13]

Message:

This was atop the Aviary Pagoda in Yuen Long Park, Hong Kong; I was the little girl.

Little was I, and Little did I know that was only the beginning of a real life journey: a journey that did not consist of climbing the steps of a bird tower.

Eight years later, I entered Brooklyn Technical High School in New York City as a grown girl (redundant).

Oh sure, we all wanted to pour a bucket of cold water over his head, but we spared him that actionnot sure thats appropriate, but does give insight into your sense of humor and managed to pull through a fundraiser for Zimbabwe teachers. He needed us to be there for him, and we were there.

Just like the little girl eleven years ago, I have come a long way: emigrating from Hong Kong, assimilating to the American culture and its valuesthose two sound very interesting and important to your "life journey", why not talk about it more? , and attending the prestigious Brooklyn Tech <--- doesn't seem as great as the preceding actions, could be replace?.

*Note: The beginning and ending of your essay flow nicely. However, the middle where you talk about Key Club is not as gripping. Yes, it does reveal a bit about your leadership skills and such, yet you introduce the readers to your life journey: talk about immigrating, adapting to two cultures, achieving your dreams. Great potential and good luck! Just consider my changes as suggestions.

Please read my essay:
tkkt1   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / CORNELL CAS Supplement Essay- Cheating on Humanities!? [7]

They appeared meaningless, but this changed when I mingled with chemistry.

Beneath those boxes in the periodic table is actual science. The boxes I see are just the products of actual science.
-----Sounds repetitive.

At first, the entire gel radiated a fiery blue and the wire was dark gray.
------Replace with an active verb like turned.

My first thoughts were "what happened?" and "how could I take notes on this reaction?" However, I was like many spectators; I ventured too close and saw the 29 protons and electrons, and 35 neutrons.

-----Does not seem to match with the context of your story (referencing to "too")

Until recently, I did not understand what a scientist did.

Only a few can find the optimal viewing frame; I realized scientists take pictures at the best resolution.
----Thats your definition of a scientist? Are you sure?

But even if I find that frame, I will not be finished. I know I still can overlook or look too much. But chemistry is too important.

---"But" is a conjunction that can only be used to connect clauses-- independent or dependent.
tkkt1   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / UPenn: Acadamic Communities [5]

A group of all walks of life- artisans, tradesmen, businessmen- the Junto were united under the common goals of improving themselves and improving society.

----Could be revised to active voice.

I am particularly interested in the Rachleff Scholars program- its three focuses are the heart of engineering.

* Note: Vary sentence structure, maybe you can replace some dashes with commas or other appropriate punctuation.

In all of UPenn, though, I see a school that has similar values to myself.
It was, so to say, a community serving the community.
That being said, I truly believe that the University of Pennsylvania got it right with its School of Engineering and Applied Sciences (SEAS).

-----Those clauses seem unnecessary to me, but it is your choice/style.

Sharing this goal, I do more than merely picture myself at UPenn; I have a bonafide will to go there.

I want to go to UPenn because I want to improve the world.

-----How exactly will you do this?
tkkt1   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / "Why" + "Paid work experience" - My Syracuse essay.. [5]

That was, until I joined journalism my sophomore year of high school.After my first year I knew I had found my future which began my search for the perfect school for me to pursue my passion.

---Comma splice, two independent clauses need to be separated by a period or semi-colon.

The more research on Syracuse I did the more I knew I belonged there.

-----What exactly did you learn about Syracuse that makes you a perfect match for the school?

At Syracuse, I know I will be able to, not only, accomplish the goals I have set for myself, but also realize unearthed aspirations.

----Needs to be revised a little. There are some unnecessary commas. Read this out loud and remember that you can't write like you speak.
tkkt1   
Dec 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Cornell - The environment blurs into a sight of indistinguishable colors and shapes [10]

College of Agriculture and Life Sciences:
How have your interests and related experiences influenced your selection of major?

The environment blurs into a sight of indistinguishable colors and shapes and I can no longer identify the boundaries of my body where hot and cold sensations run interchangeably throughout; my symptoms are compounded by the unremitting presence of dull throbbing and a wide array of aches. This is not a novel experience, for I am all too familiar with catching the flu. For seventeen years, I have possessed the immune system of an infant. My personal favorite medicine was a handful of Skittles but ibuprofen worked wonders too. As a child, I wondered why one colorful round tablet did not work quite well as the other. My curiosity for seemingly trivial things has been a catalyst for my pursuit of knowledge- not to just regurgitate, but to question, comprehend, and apply.

My years in biology classes have been an epoch of wonder and fascination, but my interest for bioengineering grows from within, for I am an entire microcosm. Only under the lens of a microscope can I examine the white blood cells that rapidly run through the bloodstream during a fever or the pyrogens that rush to induce it. A world lies underneath a thin layer of tissue that I have yet to discover, observe, and study. For me, curiosity drives my quest for knowledge.

Generally knowledge is separated by the limited range of each discipline; however, bioengineering combines engineering principles with the life sciences to create a boundless and innovative field of study. It allows for independent endeavors which will give me the opportunity to capitalize on my natural aptitude for math and science by exploring the full spectrum of living systems. I will be able to delve into the natural world by discovering all the possibilities that it contains, whether it be by developing artificial organs, finding a cure for the hiccups or making great advancements in immune system therapy.

As an intellectual, the laboratory will be my playground-a glorious oasis where I can explore, hypothesize and experiment, not to satiate the curiosity of the bed-ridden, sick seven year-old girl, but to keep that little girl's inquisitiveness alive.
tkkt1   
Nov 12, 2009
Undergraduate / How my environment shaped my dreams to be a dentist [4]

Your essay is fine but it isn't very interestingl. You seem to list some facts then explain them monotonously. The point of a personal statement is to make it unique to only you. Show the officers your personality through an anecdote that serves as a metaphor for your beliefs, ambitions or ideals.
tkkt1   
Nov 1, 2009
Undergraduate / How my life has shaped me towards a career in robotics- UC application essay. [5]

But I am truly a mix of cultures. Having in San Jose all my life , I feel at home interacting with people of virtually any background.

Having lived? schooled? You're missing a verb in that sentence, it doesn't make sense as it is now.

At this point I would like to clarify: my love of technology is not just a badly thought-out way of jumping on the bandwagon. All the companies in Silicon Valley are focused on semiconductors and software, whereas my interest is in robotics.

Don't use the word all because its untrue. I can name more than a couple of companies that do not focus on software and semiconductors in San Jose.

My aspirations to contribute to robotics are not vague or idealistic, as they may seem.

How do you plan to contribute and what do you want to contribute? What kind of robots would you like to be building and what kind of impact will they have on society or the profession? Be specific.
tkkt1   
Nov 1, 2009
Undergraduate / Short answer-desire for a particular kind of learning, community, and future [2]

Question 1. How does the University of Chicago, as you know it now, satisfy your desire for a particular kind of learning, community, and future? Please address with some specificity your own wishes and how they relate to Chicago.

NAME is Common Application ID number _________. I am a number. I am another application in a stack of hundreds. I can only hope and dream that double spaced 12 point font can fully portray the extent of my ambitions and essence of who I am, but only my family members- all 200 of them- know me well beyond an application number. They will tell you that I am the girl who bursts out laughing in dead silence, builds Rubens' Tube for fun, or cries when her dad eats her pet lobster. Thus, I am searching for an extended family within the University of Chicago that can provide me with an academic, supportive and quirky community. The University of Chicago's multitude of student centers and laboratories from the Reynolds Club to the Fermilab encourages me to perceive the campus as a playground for intellectuals.

The University of Chicago's Common Core requires students to build a strong foundation in math, science, humanities, and language- nurturing its students to become a true renaissance man or woman. However, the curriculum also allows for independent endeavors which gives me the opportunity to capitalize on my natural aptitude for math and science by exploring engineering. I will be able to satiate my curiosity for the natural world and to discover all the possibilities that it contains, whether it be developing the next transistor or finding a cure for hiccups. Whether I am a student at University of Chicago or at a local community college, I am still not simply Common Application ID number ________. I am a young woman striving for the extraordinary, living my life without inhibitions hoping to encounter a little thing called happiness.
tkkt1   
Oct 25, 2009
Undergraduate / Common app- Elaborate on Lockheed Internship Experience [3]

In the space provided below, please elaborate on one of your activities (extracurricular, personal activities, or work experience)(150 words or fewer).

Lockheed Martin's "Gateway to Space" provided a sight of slate grey buildings that were characterized by their lack of windows punctured the clear skyline. The external appearances - steel gates, barbed wire, and security guards- suggested an austere work culture. Contrary to my first impression, the environment of my co-workers and managers fostered a cordial and educational culture that left a mark on my internship experiences.

The community of employees across the campus embraced me as an apprentice and peer. As a part of the Green Information Technology team, I took the initiative to shape a future free of pollution and energy waste by launching and promoting the use of devices that reduced carbon emissions and increased energy conservation in hundreds of computer servers. Now, the gateway serves as a reminder that my rigorous projects at Lockheed Martin introduced me to the skills, procedures, and attitudes necessary for success.
tkkt1   
Oct 2, 2009
Undergraduate / "I opened up little by little" - Describe the world you come from [18]

Honestly, I have never considered that the world I come from is as nearly important as the world I am headed for. As college approaches so quickly, I now see how wrong I was and how defined I am by the environment that surrounds me.

I was born and raised in Las Vegas, Nevada. A city filled with big casino buildings and pretty lights. I have always been able to look up and see those (What mountains?) mountains run across the horizon. Vivid white lights that beam from the top of the Luxor Casino. [Sentence fragment]

***You have grammar mistakes in the rest of the essay. Vary your sentence structure for there seems to be too many commas.
tkkt1   
Sep 26, 2009
Undergraduate / Big Shoes- Personal Statement [4]

Okay, will do. Are there any grammar mistakes or other tense errors? Should I cut some of it? Thanks for the helpful input! Much appreciated!

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