tkkt1
Jan 12, 2011
Undergraduate / "A piano composer, creator, scientist, and animal lover" - I am applying to Cornell [3]
Not only do I feel that I am a creator in the musical world, but also the natural world.
--- I slightly understand the gist of what you mean, but how are you a CREATOR in the natural world?
Although I am a creator of several compositions, I believe that I possess the aptitude to uncover mysteries and resolve questions in the scientific world as well.
--- The word although signifies a contrast or a oppositional relationship and neither exists in this sentence.
***Your second paragraph is fine in terms of content but it is mostly composed of short simple sentences. Try varying format and sentence types (complex, complex-compound).
Veterinarians who work in research augment the society's awareness of new diseases and cures.
--- Augment in this context sounds weird, just use increase.
I look forward to the research components of the program and ponder that someday I will be that individual who makes a difference.
--- I think you used ponder in the wrong context. Ponder is more like wonder.
My past experience with exotics made me realize my interest in discovering more about these animals.
---- Exotic animals, exotics can't stand alone as an adjective?
Take my comments as suggestions and good luck!
Take a look at my essay, return the favor!
Not only do I feel that I am a creator in the musical world, but also the natural world.
--- I slightly understand the gist of what you mean, but how are you a CREATOR in the natural world?
Although I am a creator of several compositions, I believe that I possess the aptitude to uncover mysteries and resolve questions in the scientific world as well.
--- The word although signifies a contrast or a oppositional relationship and neither exists in this sentence.
***Your second paragraph is fine in terms of content but it is mostly composed of short simple sentences. Try varying format and sentence types (complex, complex-compound).
Veterinarians who work in research augment the society's awareness of new diseases and cures.
--- Augment in this context sounds weird, just use increase.
I look forward to the research components of the program and ponder that someday I will be that individual who makes a difference.
--- I think you used ponder in the wrong context. Ponder is more like wonder.
My past experience with exotics made me realize my interest in discovering more about these animals.
---- Exotic animals, exotics can't stand alone as an adjective?
Take my comments as suggestions and good luck!
Take a look at my essay, return the favor!