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Posts by christiek
Joined: Aug 29, 2009
Last Post: Feb 18, 2010
Threads: 6
Posts: 65  

From: United States of America

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christiek   
Feb 18, 2010
Undergraduate / Carleton Essays (teacher, subjects, career plan, development) [16]

Why are you interested in Carleton College and how did this interest develop? (300 Characters):

--> I don't think you answered the question. I kind of see it but not really..
I love the writing here though : )

-hmmm, everything else seems good to me : )
christiek   
Feb 18, 2010
Undergraduate / Oberlin offers what I need to be successful [3]

However, it is more personal aspects about Oberlin that make it the right place for me.

--> However, the more personal aspects...
However, there are personal aspects...
-Basically use plural tense, so you got to scratch out the it is haha...

- I think there should be a better transition between the second and third paragraph

world I have never been and study simultaneously continuing to stay on a four year graduation track.

-->world I have never been to, and study simultaneously to continue on a four year graduation track.

Oberlin's rural location attracts students who care more about interacting and getting to know their professors and peers than fine dining or getting drunk at bars.

--> I don't know about this. I mean there are a TON of colleges in non-rural areas, and I'm sure a lot of students don't get drunk at bars. This sentence has to go or have a better reasoning for liking the rural location...

There is no question that between the academic opportunity and social environment, Oberlin is somewhere I will thrive and be happy

-->I don't understand this sentence. The first part of it doesn't make sense with the rest of it.

Any student can write about Oberlin's small classes, reputation of a remarkable education with amazing professors, and liberal and exciting college environment.

--> I think you just proved yourself to be like those students because you wrote about the college environment and remarkable education that is provided.

-->You should write a different topic sentence.

-I don't see how you explained Oberlin will help you grow as a person and student

GOOD LUCK :)
christiek   
Feb 18, 2010
Undergraduate / Stanford Supplement "To. Future Roommate" (a roommate tutoring service) [6]

-I like how you made this into a letter format
-

I am so happy to meet you since I miss so much my three ex-roommates of my high school dormitory.

--> I think you should re-write this sentence. I think you are trying to say something about how you miss having roommates (because you experienced this before) and you are glad to have a roommate once again! Your sentence right now is grammatically incorrect...

If you want to know about me ahead

characteristics hidden in my stuff.

-->..hidden in my belongings.
-You can make this sentence more clear by saying that the things you possess are representative of some of your personality traits. It doesn't really make sense to say that characteristics are "hidden" in your stuff...

I am so excited to show you this essay at the dormroom.

--> I think you should cross this sentence out.

-Overall, I think this is a very bright/happy essay.
-I guess this essay does answer the prompt, but I was thinking more about revealing something about who you are as a person opposed to something you are good at like a talent or something.

Good Luck : )
christiek   
Jan 31, 2010
Undergraduate / "I lived in Puerto Rico" - University of Muchigan - My experience of diversity [5]

public school in Eleanor Roosevelt

--> Public school called Eleanor Roosevelt.

I was a quiet girl that didn't want to be involved in troubles;

--> one sentence.

My three years in that school taught me to be wise, patient, brave, a good friend, a person of endurance, and most importantly, it taught me to respect people's differences.

-> I know you only have 250 words but maybe you shouldn't just list all those characteristics. Some of them we can conclude from the essay itself but others you can show us how you are those things...

- I definitely think you answered the prompt : )

Good Luck!
christiek   
Jan 12, 2010
Student Talk / My social security number doesn't show up! (Boston University) [5]

I think you are fine. I applied there too and I noticed that there is some information that doesn't show up in the preview even when you type it in.

Well, I hope we are both fine : )

I actually checked like 5 times before I submitted it to make sure I typed it in.
christiek   
Jan 12, 2010
Undergraduate / "intellectual adventure design" - Colorado College Supplemental Essay [5]

Perhaps, one of the most baffling of them all is, what is it that makes us laugh.

-> Is this really the most baffling? I mean I laugh because something is funny or something you know?
I think people/scientists or whoever can explain why we laugh...

what is the essence of humor or to put it simply:

-> Maybe you should start with this sentence instead of the one above.

what with his constant references

Through this the class

-> I feel like there should be a noun after "through this" Through this adventure or experience...

-Overall, I think that this

three-and-a-half week intellectual adventure

is pretty interesting.
-The conclusion needs to be worked on a little more in my opinion. It seems to end to abruptly for me.

s too obscure and out there.

-> I don't really get why this is so? haha..

We will follow the guys

-> Can these "guys" be referred to as actors or something?

GOOD LUCK :)
christiek   
Jan 12, 2010
Essays / need help in making these 3 sentences sound more professional [5]

I think your first sentence is okay. Not the most luring sentence but it's nice : )

Second sentence: You need to fix this sentence somehow. Don't just list all those important values to just hang there. Man, it's definitely easier said than done. But if I think of something I will let you know... Good words you chose though ; ]

All of these traits are required to have the optimal professional setting.

-> this is already implied isn't it?
So maybe you can use those traits and expand upon them more here with analysis or something.

Man this is hard. Are you supposed to describe professionalism or something?
christiek   
Jan 12, 2010
Undergraduate / Emory: why a good match "To Be the Best" [5]

Following along the news and recent financial crisis, I have gained an initially interest in finance.

-> Following WITH the news and recent financial crisis, I have gained an interest in finance.

this my interest grew.

As a person who flourishes under a team environment, the close and nurturing community that Emory creates provides a great environment to pursue my studies.

-> Nice point!

would prepare me as an innovator. prepares me as an innovator.

Emory is offers me a pathway to my dream.

it could give me gives me the knowledge

-> when you say "it gives me..." it means you already attend the school. You need to use future tense. I think words like "would, could, should" is called Mood verbs or something. Don't quote me on that though haha...

it teaches me to be the best.

-> I think you should end differently. Something less cliche..

GOOD LUCK :)
christiek   
Dec 31, 2009
Student Talk / Application Question January [127]

THANK YOU, i feel a little better : ))

I cannot find an official statement from either Boston or Syracus

-> seriously i can't either haha
christiek   
Dec 31, 2009
Undergraduate / my funky shoes - COMMON APP ESSAY. thoughts? [7]

the fact that as a female, I cannot drive past the gates of our residential compound.

-> Woah, really? I have friends from the middle east, and I'm pretty sure ALL of them would be uncomfortable/upset with that statement. Maybe you know the situation over there better than I do, i don't know, but don't you think that women would want to be free, and be able to drive past those gates? Do you want to be stuck to a certain proximity for your whole life? I think you should delete this part, even if that's what you REALLY feel... It's just not right in my opinion...

The mixed reviews that my sandals have received have taught me a valuable lesson: Take ownership of what love you, regardless of what people think.

-> I think you have done a good job showing and not telling until you "showed" with this sentence. I can draw this conclusion without you saying it, so that's a good thing : )

While in Texas, I also got to visit my best friend, Gen. Her reaction to my sandals was just as lukewarm. After hugging and reminiscing

-> This seems a little off topic with the sandals and the overall message of the essay...

With this as my mantra, I been true to my passions and have never been more proud to say: I play the bongos! I speak Chinese! I enjoy GoGurt! I watch Rugrats! I listen to Jazz! I love my Saudi

-> So are you saying that people who speak chinese, eat GoGurt or listen to jazz are like made fun of or something? Sorry, I just don't get it now.

-> Rugrats is awesome and all, but i think they want to see you as a matured young adult.

- I honestly think you have great potential with the topic of your sandals and trip to Saudi Arabia. That's totally awesome.
-So, stick with the topic but i think you might have to write it over, or clean it up a bit more.

GOOD LUCK :))
christiek   
Dec 31, 2009
Student Talk / Application Question January [127]

LAST ACT TEST? I applied to Boston University and Syracuse University

Hello Everyone,

I need your help! I applied to Boston University and Syracuse University and I just received my ACT score online (released on Dec 28)

The deadline for those schools are January 1 and the score reports aren't going to make it by then. It will take up to 3 weeks...

And i can't find anywhere on their website which test is the last you can take...

Does ANYONE know if I can still send these scores (which i already have done)

I mean most schools take December as the last one right?

p.s. i e-mailed the admissions just now too. And i got an automatic e-mail back because they are on winter break and i won't get a reply until Jan 4!!

i'm going crazy. haha

THANK YOU :)

that was kind of long haha
christiek   
Dec 28, 2009
Undergraduate / Arts and Sciences, Cornell Supplement - CAS Prompt [6]

I was skeptical of the magazine, because it was called "Fortune" Magazine (was it about astrology? fortunetelling? hocus-pocus?),

-> How does this sound? "I was skeptical of the magazine, because of its title, "Fortune" Magazine, (was it about..."

Magazine introduced to me, a middle school student ,

It's stories told me what was happening in other countries besides that which I was living in, that there was great change going on in China, in India, in Russia, as well as Brazil, and that biggest change in this century was happening on the other side of the world.

-> Isn't this just a repeat of the sentence before? You should pick one or the other to keep.

economic reasons behind

-> economic reasons behind it.

I now knew about

-> I now KNOW about ...

last throughout my own lifetime,

I needed to know more than that which Fortune Magazine provided, andso I looked to the internet

I also got to witness the political tensions between Japan and China, as well as that between the United States and China.

-> how so??

[

lets us view closely the world,

-> lets us closely view the world,

imminent change.

-> imminent changeS

Cornell's economics department is very strong and as it is a large research university I would like taking advantage of its research opportunities as well, in the university and in the field as well.

-> can you read that red part over and fix it.

GOOD LUCK : )
christiek   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Thoughtful consultant system, atmosphere, BROWN SUPPLEMENT ---- WHY ESSAY [6]

She asked:" phoebe, how are you? What university are you going to apply? Brown, right?"

--> You have to indent dialogue.

Or you will regret!"

--> Or you will regret it !

It reminds me the time when I

--> It reminds me of the time when I...

mong those colorful and different universities, I found brown

--> Capitalize Brown here.

That's why I want to apply Brown.

-> I think you should end differently. You don't need to explicitly say that those are the reasons you want to apply. It's obvious...Try ending some other way.

- You should write more about why you want to apply to Brown. At the end of the essay, I feel like you are only applying to give it a shot. Explain more about the reasons why you fell in love with Brown.

GOOD LUCK : )
christiek   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Essay Option 1.How did you get caught? (Or not caught, as the case may be.) [7]

Unpleasant aroma tickled our sensory organs every possible moment in the toilets.

--> AN unpleasant aroma...

Worse off yet

--> Even worse,...

5 or 6 'naughties'

--> I think this is kind of confusing. Can you clear this up a bit?

- I really enjoy the sensory detail and vivid imagery. I can see it all happening. Not that it is a really pleasant sight, especially because of the naughti, nonetheless it was charming!

The idea of having something in your mouth and running like Jerry (in Tom & Jerry) sounds like a scene from Mission Impossible.

--> I think it's nice that you are referring to Tomy and Jerry and Mission Impossible. But why not just replace those with other adjectives?

- I always have something more to say than just this, but this time that is not the case...

GOOD LUCK!
christiek   
Dec 23, 2009
Undergraduate / Famous New Yorker, Poem, 2050 movie... (NYU SUPPLEMENTS) [7]

Moreover , we would also discuss about creating more nonprofit, micro-lending companies such as the company KIVA isn't this just a repeat of the previous sentence? I mean, you could combine them together. Instead of repeating the first half of the sentence all over again. . These companies will assist the needy people in the Third World countries such as countries in, like Africa . and other parts of the world where poverty level is extremely high.

--> Your sentences are kind of wordy.
--> I suggest putting more detail in this passage. Try making it more exciting!

POEM: Even though it is a poem, I think you are using the commas wrong at the end of each line. Some needed to be deleted or be replaced with a period.

No one can know the capability,

This comma here should be deleted.

Whatever he wants, he usually gets,

--> One sentence. Start next sentence with "However, ..."
--> I'm not sure why robyag6 says you shouldn't really start a sentence with "However"...

Regarding this, James wanted to change the life status quo of the needy.

--> huh? Do you mean, "Regarding this, James wanted to change the status quo of the lives of the needy?" Using "status quo" in this context sounds weird for some reason...haha i dont know why.

--> I don't know about this because it's not exactly original. Like you explicitly stated, this movie you created is a spin-off from Bruce / Evan Almighty...

Something to think about. Be creative, your making a movie about yourself!

I personally follow the saying "Unless you try to do something beyond what you have already learned, you will never grow".

--> A problem with using quotes is that most of the time it is left in the essay to just hang there. Nothing is REALLY added to the paragraph if this quote is not explained or really used. It doesn't help to just quote it.

I consider that an undergraduate education at New York University will be the next step in my academic career,

--> One sentence

I looking look forward to the opportunity to workworking with the highly accomplished faculties and diverse students at your this university. university

Often during summer vacations, I usually take summer classes.

--> Often during summer vacations I take (enroll, participate... whatever) summer classes.

I was in a guitar class, advanced math program and a summer swim program.

--> I was in a guitar class, advanced math program, and a swim program. (we know its in the summer..)

I really want to learn how to play the guitar. At the same time, practice my swimming strokes and excel in mathematics.

--> Try to end the paragraph differently... I don't know how else to say it.

GOOD LUCK :)
christiek   
Dec 13, 2009
Undergraduate / Spend a day, Poem, 2050 Movie, The program - nyu supplement [11]

I like your poem. Very unique : )

C. 2050 movie.

- Okay I am not sure exactly what you're supposed to write here. But I am guessing something like writing a movie that you make in the year 2050?

--> I think that your idea is nice but it doesn't link to the title you gave it.
--> It's definitely not something I would expect as a response to the prompt. When I think of this prompt, i feel like they are looking for some dramatic change compared to the present and the future. Like how society will be completely different. I dont know i just think that your plot of the movie is similar to books or other movies that we have now....REMEMBER THIS IS JUST MY OPINION... but i dont know you can think about it

Writing. Writing words. Writing stories. Writing articles. Writing in general pleases me.

--> I like to start essays and paragraphs with short sentences. But "writing" is not really an attractive hook. You can think of something more creative.

Why not some more imagery of YOU writing or something like that??

nd though I was only 4 a

-->When you write, you always spell out numbers one through ten...right? So, it should be four.

- You say the word "love" like five times...cut down the repetition. You can always portray your love without explicitly saying love. It would be more powerful that way.

GOOD LUCK : )
i hope i helped a bit.
christiek   
Dec 13, 2009
Undergraduate / "Life is like a box of chocolates" - COMMON APP Activities Short Essay [4]

"Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know what you're gonna get."

--> LOVE THIS QUOTE and MOVIE :) but i dont think you should really start out this way. I mean it's cliche and it sounds a bit unprofessional..

You can think of another good hook : )

My solution and plan: to be involved in anything and everything. I enrolled in harder classes, signed up for clubs, and went to all the games with the band, make this into two sentences but the activity that I have found most meaningful is my volunteer work throughout the community.

volunteer work throughout the

--> volunteer work within the...

After all of this, I feel like I have the best darn chocolates around.

--> Try ending it differently. I know you are trying to connect it back to the beginning but I don't really think you can really validate this statement with only a few sentences that is required...

(remember this is just MY opinion..)

-Ummm...I couldn't help but notice that you never really

elaborate on one of your activities

--> You might want to stick with one thing. Because I am sure you listed all those activities on the common app

GOOD LUCK!
christiek   
Dec 10, 2009
Undergraduate / How did you hlear about njit and why are you aplying for admision? [3]

I began using computer when i was 5 years old, even though i did not know how to read yet or learned the alphabet; I was always attracted to computer games.

--> I began using the computer when I was five years old. Even though I did not know how to read, I was always attracted to computer games.

(You always spell out numbers one through ten. I deleted "learned the alphabet" because it is redundant. If you don't know how to read you wouldn't know the alphabet would you?)

As time passed by and i grew older,

when I was eight years old, my uncle bought me Star Craft, a strategy game made from Blizzard.

--> When I was...

a programmer at Blizzard.

--> at Blizzard Company?

[quote=tpopono]I am from Peru.

--> Woah that was really abrupt and random. I see where you are going with the following sentence but you should really try to make it flow better.

. However, because I was to little

--> However, because I was too little...

When i was 12 years old, my parents decided to come to the United States with my sister and me. At first it was hard because I did not know english. I remember that I was really scared because it was so different from Peru. For example, the houses, the stores, the way people lived, the streets. Everithing was new to me, evem the language.

--> i feel like this is irrelevant

Only the last two paragraphs answered the prompt. The rest of the essay was like an introductory that should be cut a little shorter.
I hope this helped : )

Good Luck!!!
christiek   
Dec 10, 2009
Undergraduate / 'speaking broken English' - UIUC essay academic interests--engineering [4]

"You are Chinese. Eat rice." said grandpa in a commanding tone.

--> Man, you are hookin' me : )

determined to excel in it.

--> was determined to excel in it.

It has tied to the civilization's root

--> It is tied to the... or it has been tied to the...

leading to more fuel burned and more greenhouse gas released. The

---> ...and more greenhouse gases released.

To grandpa, title

--> To grandpa, titles like...

would always sound cold.

After all science cares for human need.

--> After all, science cares for human need.
- Science can't really "care" for anything so you might want to change that.

-Wow, I think you have a very creative/personal/interesting (haha yes, all of those characteristics) in your essay.
-Good Job!
christiek   
Dec 10, 2009
Undergraduate / Scary Daydream!!- supplement for Williams : ) [8]

Okay so I had to scratch a lot of it out and make it completely new because I had a couple people at school read it and they said that it's "good" but it might confuse the readers. And it doesn't really answer the prompt directly/clearly (which has been my fear all along)

EF-Kevin: Thank you for all your help!!! I really appreciate your input and I swear your advice will not unacknowledged. I kept the part about smell and stuff : )

P.S. I signed up to be a contributor and they accepted me :) YAY!

This edited version is actually like a rough draft all over again. So PLEASE HELP!
Thanks everyone!
christiek   
Dec 10, 2009
Undergraduate / "Why did you choose to apply to UCF?" Essay for admission. [6]

"Why did you choose University of Central Florida?" This is a question that is asked to me almost as often as "What do you want to be in the future?"

--> Really?
Hmmm, I dont know if you want to start out like that. The topic sentence isn't eye-catching...

In addition to the liveliness of the campus, t

--> You should try to make this part flow more from the previous sentence...
I feel like you are listing instead of really describing.

After realizing that UCF was the college that I wanted to be at

--> How about...After realizing that UCF was the college that I wanted to attend...

As I read through these statements, I noticed a relationship between the students and the professors that not many colleges possess.

--> How so? I mean just by reading the statements? So have you read statements from all the other colleges you know or exist?

my the college.

--> I'm pretty sure you meant BY the college. but just in case haha

and other organization

--> and other organizations..

Having participated in sports and other organization for most of my life, extracurricular activities has definitely become one of my key things to look for in a collegeperiod.and UCF definitely has what I am looking for.

In conclusion,

--> When you conclude you should never write "In conclusion" "To sum it all up" "All in all"

-

liveliness, location, academics, and activities are among the many reason why I have chosen to apply at the University of Central Florida.

--> Those are common answers that anyone can say about any college. Maybe you should pick something specific or another unique quality the university has that no other college has. I mean you've been on the campus itself, and it seems like you know a lot about it. So why not put some more detail and personal aspects into this?

Good Luck!
christiek   
Dec 10, 2009
Undergraduate / Duke Engineering Supplement Essays - why this school and activities besides studying [7]

This year I began to take physics, calculus, biology, and chemistry college level courses, well aware I was probably about to face a very difficult time juggling all these classes, but not in the least bit expecting that the laws and theories in my textbooks would contradict my beliefs on how the world works.

--> You might want to make this into more than one sentence...

how the limit can reach the perpetual number of infinity.

--> I read what Mustafa said...well i guess he is right about infinity not being a number. But i think that's the only part you need to change. I mean, like he said, you can get infinity when you do the limit of certain functions..

At Duke, my resources will be unlimited

--> Hmmm, that would be awesome. But seems too bold of a statement. I mean there will be limits. You know what I mean?
christiek   
Dec 10, 2009
Writing Feedback / Good teachers should give Challenging tasks to their students [4]

Through out my experience at school, I really like my teacher giving me challenging tasks to preform.

--> Throughout my experiences in school, I really like that my teachers have given me challenging tasks to perform.
( How does that sound? )

The following are reasons behind setting challenging tasks to students.

--> I think you should delete this sentence. You should show not tell in writing first of all. And it doesn't really get you anywhere.

Challenging tasks will encourage the students

--> Challenging tasks will encourage students...

to think hard to solve it and will also help them to pool out the best skills, knowldge in them.

--> to think hard to solve (what do you mean by it? you mean like problems??) and will help to pool out the best skills. (interesting, i never heard the phrase "pool out" haha )

part of the scene infront the whole class.

--> part of the scene in front of the whole class.

as I was a shy person.

--> because I am a shy person.

Unbeleivable I did very well and every one were impressed.

--> I did unbelievably well and everyone was impressed. (sounds better : ))

and act infront of 3o others

--> to act in front of 30 other students.

- Okay you give an example of a challenging task you experienced. But you didn't REALLY explain how you grew from that challenge and why it was good for the teacher to assign it for the students. I mean was it really "challenging" for everyone? Because your prompt here is whether teachers should give challenging tasks for their students.

-You should give more, and different, examples of a challenging task.
- And really explain how students can benefit from them.

Good Luck : )
christiek   
Dec 6, 2009
Undergraduate / Poverty - Common App. Essay on a National Concern to You [5]

1 out of 4 children are in homes where food is

--> Last time I checked numbers between/including one and ten should be written out in writing. I think even in this context...I hope :/

amount of children not given the ability to eat

--> amount of children not given the opportunity to eat.
Most people have the ABILITY to eat but not the OPPORTUNITY to eat

happy to work there and helped in many ways

--> Did you mean, "helped ME in many ways"?

I never heard a complaint or a restraint from the workers and the volunteers.

--> I think if you just said complaint, it would make the sentence stronger.

People wanted to help other people become better in their situations.

--> shouldn't it be people WANT to help others? Don't use past tense here.

-I like that you made this national concern personal. It wasn't like a news report : )
-You use the word "people" too much. Try to use other words or specific words.

GOOD LUCK!
christiek   
Dec 3, 2009
Writing Feedback / The theme of a short story called "A Worn Path" by Eudora Welty [7]

hahaha, i feel like a meanie without having helped you earlier... man oh man.

In the short story by Eudora Welty "A Worn Path"

^ In the short story by Eudora Welty "A Worn Path",

Eventually a white hunter sees her and helps her.

^ how about just "Eventually a white hunter helps her"

hmmm, there seems to be a lot of summary here.
what exactly is the prompt?
christiek   
Dec 3, 2009
Writing Feedback / The theme of a short story called "A Worn Path" by Eudora Welty [7]

Sorry but I think you posted this essay in the wrong forum...(Don't want to sound mean or bossy)
This section is for undergraduate admission essays for college.
I don't think I really have any authority to say this to you, but just wanted to give you a heads up : )
You might get a notice from the Essay Forum people...
christiek   
Dec 3, 2009
Undergraduate / "difficult to do things on my own" -University of Cincinnati undergraduate essay [3]

I always find it difficult

--> I always FOUND it difficult...

re helping me but never cross my mind to try it myself.

--> helping me but it never crossed my mind...

This continues till

--> This continued till...

This continues till middle school when I was pretty much not a good student.

--> That's pretty vague. What's not a good student? But I don't know if you should even write that...

From the start, I wasn't happy on the situation

--> From the start, I wasn't happy with the situation...

They told me for me to become successful; I should try doing things on my own and work hard to make those things better.

--> They told me for me to become successful??? They told me how to become successful?? I dont know...
Hmmm, what i keep thinking is that success isn't really taught or anything like that. Parents can guide you but they can't really show you for your own success. Do you get what I'm feeling? Success is something that can be defined very differently from person to person.

--> oh and what do you mean by things? Maybe you can describe something specific.

I always promise myself to prove my GPA every semester, and through that lesson my parents thought me, I have been able to achieve those goals.

--> I always promise myself to improve my GPA every semester. And through...

--> Umm what exactly is that LESSON your parents taught you? I think you are referencing it to "how to be successful" but even then you don't mention the lesson.

me dreams of becoming a Pharmacist a reality.

--> MY dreams of...
christiek   
Dec 3, 2009
Undergraduate / Amherst common app supplement essay, need help revising it! [6]

Life is full of difficulties and just approaching it, is consider an
achievement.

--> I don't really get this sentence...

difficulties encounter through the process.

--> difficulties encountered through the process.

English your second language?

wait, what is the prompt?

-You have a lot of tell, and not enough show. You know what I mean?
-I understand the stress and what not you are going through, being a senior myself and applying to colleges, but because of that reason, I feel like you should choose a different topic. Every undergraduate applying for this college is going through the same thing... I don't know if I'm "right" so can someone (essay forumers) help me on this?

-So, this essay doesn't really set you apart (make you unique) from other individuals...
-I hope i don't sound too rude or mean. I just want to help : )

Good Luck!
christiek   
Dec 3, 2009
Undergraduate / Common App short answer "Heroes and Cool Kids" [8]

What's the prompt?

My trainer was NBA player

--> My trainer was an NBA player...

He said "You have the ability to change these kids."

--> Indent this. And it should be He said, "You...."

sportsmanship, drug, alcohol, and tobacco.

--> drugs

talk with an adult but they

--> talk with adults but they...

Okay, I think you have a good topic (but i dont know what the prompt is... I am assuming it is the short answer for the common app??)
christiek   
Dec 3, 2009
Undergraduate / Religion and ethical dilemma in Macaulay Honors Essay [5]

e, "So, are you ready to be saved?"

--> you should indent the narrative portions of this essay ( maybe you just didn't do it when you posted it on here, but just in case you needed a reminder)

"Umm, it is all right," I said half-heartedly. He smiled, a smile consisting of yellow teeth, pictured into a wrinkly sweaty face against the rough exterior of his forehead; it was stunning even against all the odds. I said, "I saw you standing here almost five hours ago." "Yes, I have been standing here and spreading the words of Jesus."

--> again just indent the narratives.

of Hinduism and nor did I hold my own beliefs.

Questioning peoples' behaviors and actions became my second nature; understanding those with a solid foundation on a spiritual or religious path might help me realize mine

--> I feel like you should just replace that semicolon with a period

led to understand his views,

--> led to understanding his views,

like a child I asked my mother.

--> this part needs to be fixed somehow

-I really liked your essay : )
-It definitely answers the prompt!
-I had something I really wanted to say but I can't recall what it is... man.
-Well, GOOD LUCK !!!
christiek   
Dec 2, 2009
Undergraduate / Introduction on my brother's influence on me [5]

the first to run across the mud floor and retrieved me.

--> retrieve me.

Wow, I really like this intro. I agree with yang : )

especially on sentence structures and level of curiosity (if at all) it arouses.

--> Sure does arouse a great level of curiosity!

I hope you post up the rest soon.
christiek   
Dec 2, 2009
Undergraduate / B.U.- "This is me, and Boston is where I would like to be" essay : )) [4]

In an essay of no more than 500 words, please select 3 words that describe you best and tell us how you will use these qualities/characteristics to contribute fully to the BU community.

There was a blank space on the shirt for you to fill in after the words "I am..." and a phrase that read, "Define your life" underneath it. It was an appealing shirt to purchase, but I thought about myself reaching over for a black permanent marker and contemplating for days what word I should write there. I couldn't think of an appropriate adjective. As the days, weeks, and months sailed by, the people in my life have helped me realize the impact I have on them because of who I am.

"Christie, I can hear your laugh across the campus!" It was actually an embarrassing thought at first, but then I learned to appreciate the fact that I can put a smile on someone's face. A noticeable characteristic of mine is one of contagiousness from my laughter. I have become well known for my boisterous and striking laugh. I receive comments about my laugh from my peers and teachers leave little notes in my yearbook at the end of the school year. I came across an article one day that explained how laughing increases your life span, and at the same time alleviates any sort of negative feelings. These positive affects can be spread through my peers because my laugh is infectious. A chain reaction will start from one person who can give off a hearty laugh.

I am a compassionate person towards others and their beliefs. Throughout my experiences in and out of school, I have learned that open-mindedness is always helpful. Simply taking others' ideas about novels we read in English class into consideration broadens my perspective on key themes the author tries to portray to the reader. It is a thirst for more information and insight about something that keeps my mind open to accepting new things. My body is always thirsty for subtraction soup. The more I consume, the hunger for knowledge is never ceased. Sometimes, there are situations I could be adamant in my beliefs. However, I believe that not being open-minded is like having an immovable and massive boulder in the middle of your path. I can contribute to the Boston University community by being a person that is always willing to listen and be intrigued by the diversity of people's opinions and cultures.

Some people may think that loyalty is a negative characteristic because in movies, and even in novels, the loyal ones are the first to die or the ones that look the weakest. Underneath the surface is much more than what appears to be submissiveness, but it is deep dedication and trustworthiness that remains stable in a loyal friend. I am not just that friend who has been on the scene for more than seven years; I am that friend who has been willing to make sacrifices to make relationships stronger. I can contribute to the Boston community by being a devoted student and a faithful friend.

definicion.myshopify.com/products/i-am-t-shirt

The "I am..." shirt that I am talking about- no pun intended : ) haha

In five or six sentences, tell us how you first became interested in BU and what steps you have taken to learn more about us.

I felt a sense of balance when I visited Boston two summers ago. The school colors, scarlet and white, reminded me of an association with blood and peace. Scarlet is earned through hard work and dedication. Within the bustling city of Boston there are many experiences that can be carried out as a college student. The Charles River campus, large diverse student body, distinctive seasonal weather and historical background of America that originates there, are all attractive characteristics of B.U. These aspects bring peace to my mind and soul- I can picture myself clearly in this university.

Thank you! : )
christiek   
Nov 22, 2009
Undergraduate / UC Essay Prompt 2: Feeding the Homeless [4]

I agree that the essay is cliched. Nonetheless, you can still try to make it unique...

They were not accustomed to such action. Vans entered the parking lot, holding food supplies, hygiene kits, and clothing. With a group from my mosque, I joined others in setting up separate tables that served as stations for food, hygiene, clothing, and medical aid.

---> this is a bit repetitive.

As they walked pass me, they would smile at me and thank me, and I would smile back, feeling great about what I was doing. Not only was I proud of myself for helping the homeless, I was also proud that the homeless appreciated what I had done

---> repetitive?

- I have a question. Did you write about the "UNited Way" club and other organizations you joined in your UC app? Because you should write about something that is set apart from the application. You want to show them more of you that is not possible with an application. You know what I mean?

- I am not saying that the whole essay should be discarded but maybe the bottom part where you talk about the clubs can be changed.

GOOUD LUCK!!
:)
christiek   
Nov 15, 2009
Undergraduate / Scary Daydream!!- supplement for Williams : ) [8]

Yes, the paperclip is such a nuisance. haha..
thank you for the clarification with the website! :)

To the essayfourm-ers:
I need some help making this essay shorter...
christiek   
Nov 11, 2009
Undergraduate / "Important issue" - Texas Common App Topic B [or c] - feedback [4]

my essay applies to two topics and some of the schools im applying to require b and the other ones require c so i might as well kill two birds with one stone eh?

--> I am pretty sure that is a bad idea. You should stick with ONE!

to sending pictures to family down the streets.

--> I dont think this example really fits in. I mean if the family lives down the street, sending pictures through the internet to them is not exactly, amazing...

- I feel like the first paragraph, isnt really hookin' me. You just state things that are all true, and no one can really form an opinion to interact with the essay...

- I dont see how the second and third paragraph benefits your essay. It's all just information.

-I think you approached the first prompt to describe the influence on your generation, or some other broad community like the world as a whole. Am I right? I say this because, I feel like you dont really show HOW the internet has really benefited your group. You talk about how it would benefit the IPS...

You really need to write about one prompt!
I think more people would be able to give you feedback...because your can't combine prompts in the first place. I really hope I'm right.

Can someone clarify?!

GOOD LUCK : )
christiek   
Nov 11, 2009
Undergraduate / Common Application Essay - Person of Significant Influence (coach) [4]

He has taught me more about football, hard work, and life in just three years than people I've known for my whole life .

--> ...more than any other person I've known.

We thought the same thing at first, but throughout that season we got to know him better and realized that he wasn't strict and demanding because he hated us, but because he wanted us to be as good as we could be.

--> I totally understand where you are coming from, because I play sports too, but I think it's cliche-ish. Do you see it when you read it over?

Two winters before he was in a drunk driving accident and killed a teenage girl.

--> Two winters ago, he was drunk...

pushing us more than we were ever pushed before he came.

--> I feel like you mentioned this 3 times already

What impacted me more than anything was seeing his work ethic and devotion and how much he cared for the students at our school, even the ones who didn't play football.

--> What impacted me more than anything was (verb) his work ethic, devotion, and his care for all students at our school. HOW??? How/Why does HIS work ethic, and HIS devotion and care for other students impact you?

What is intriguing about him is he is such a smart individual, but because of one bad decision he works as a welder and an assistant coach and goes on two to four hours of sleep per night.

--> He is intriguing because he is smart? I thought it was because of how he pushed your team to the max, or because of his work ethics, devotion etc... It's getting kind of messy.

Another huge lesson he's taught me is that you can't judge someone by one mistake.

--> I think you should use a different adjective than "huge"

And the most important thing I've learned from him is your success is directly related to how hard you work.

--> You state about three things you learned from him...I think you should stick with one or maybe, if you must, two. I feel like you just list the things he has taught you, but never really explain it with vivid detail or experiences...

--> I think most people know that hard work = success. What have you learned from him that is "unique?"

- I actually want to know if we need titles for our essays as well. haha...

- I really really hope I wasn't too harsh or anything... I just really want to help.
- So, the thing is, I really think that at the end of the essay there is no real substance. I feel like this situation is very common to most people who play sports.

- The thing that sets him apart from others is probably because he killed someone when he was drunk, and now he is your coach.
- Maybe you should expand on that part...
- But see what others think. You can still write about him, but really answer the prompt. DESCIRBE THE INFLUENCE!

GOOD LUCK!!!! : )
christiek   
Nov 11, 2009
Undergraduate / "A sense of who you are" - Columbia Application Essay [5]

Wow!
I got the chills reading this for some reason haha.

I definitely think that you should stick with this topic!
I agree with linmark that the topic has a of potential.

You use a lot of hyphens, but I don't know if that really matters...

Hmmm, about your conclusion. I personally like it a lot because you change the cliche saying into something personal and no-so-cliche.

GOOD LUCK ; ]
christiek   
Nov 11, 2009
Undergraduate / Scary Daydream!!- supplement for Williams : ) [8]

Ivy Eyes Editing: Well, I wanted to take a creative perspective with the prompt. The concept I am trying to get across to the reader is that with all the fast pace aspects of society, and growing technology taking control over human hands, is a "bad", almost scary, thing. So, I interpreted the word environment, in this essay, as a school environment.

- Should I change this? Am I over stretching the prompt?
- Thank you!!

EF_Kevin: Thank you for your comments! And I really hope it's appropriate for the prompt! haha
- I think Word is lying to me, because I put homeschooling as one word, and it said it was wrong...
haha
christiek   
Nov 8, 2009
Undergraduate / Scary Daydream!!- supplement for Williams : ) [8]

Prompt: Imagine looking through a window at any environment that is particularly significant to you. Reflect on the scene, playing close attention to the relation between what you are seeing and why it is meaningful to you. Please limit your statement to 300 words.

- This is currently 414 words.
- Can you give me feedback on whether this was rather confusing or not? haha, i think it might be, but im not sure. I'm hoping people, especially the college admission people, will probably be able to understand....

-P.S. do you think its okay for me to write about myself looking at an environment in the future, like how i did here??

-Sorry, but last question. For prompts like these, its okay to interpret certain words in broad terms right? Like, for example, there are prompts about diversity, but you can interpret it to be about culture, people's perspectives, ideas etc....Because i think i did that with the word "environment"

- THANK YOU!!!!! sorry that was a long intro...

;]]]

She stood on the corner waiting. It was early in the morning, maybe even too early for her day to begin. Nonetheless, she stood there, with a lunch-pail at hand. Dawn rose with all its glory in plain sight across the street, and over the roofs of the two-story cookie-cutter houses. The girl lives in a quite neighborhood, mostly because senior citizens had invaded this secluded part of the town. But maybe there was a reason why her mother moved her here, as did mine. We have something in common. Looking at this girl gave me an ecstatic feeling; I felt nostalgic observing her. I lost track of time- until the cactus on my windowsill pressed a little too hard against my forearm. Our bus was late. A typical excuse for late students, but it's all part of the experience.

I remember a homey smell always lingers in school buildings when students return after summer break. It might be the wax on the floors, but whatever it is the familiar smell is a concrete sensation in my mind. I can tell that the girl is nervous, but at the same time excited for her first day in middle school. She reminds me of the joy and open-mindedness that should come with learning. Every year I would be anxious about entering the school campus ready to learn something new. I could see that this soon to be ripened individual, with a violin and tennis racquet be her side, is just a seed. Balancing the role of a student and an active member of society can be challenging, but she will become a sturdy plant capable of spreading her seeds beyond her picket fence and so will I.

I knew deep inside that this new neighbor of mine and I would become close friends.