Scholarship / AAS MBA in Entrepreneurship - Why study your chosen subject? [3]

Watch out for your usage of preposition. I have noticed that this was a sporadic mistake that you had all throughout your essay. It is also noticeable how you had instances wherein were creating lengthy sentences without using appropriate punctuation and pauses. Knowing when and how to add these pauses can help your essay in terms of flow. I would also recommend watching out your usage of articles and verb tenses.

It is also always helpful if you use more formal words/language when constructing your essay; this will help with the overall look of your essay.

Let's take a look at your first paragraph and apply these comments. If I were you, I would revise the first two lines as:

Firstly, I chose the Masters of Commerce with specialization on innovation and entrepreneurship; this is influenced by my passion for entrepreneurial practices. I spent my high school managing our family business, working through its peaks and downtime.

Notice how I had rightfully placed a the before the Masters of Commerce because of it's a pronoun that requires this. I had also made sure that I removed redundant words (ie. when it's a passion, it's unnecessary to put big before it as the word itself is already indicative of that). Moreover, I also tried to articulate it in a more formal way (ie. changing the sentence structure and replacing ups and downs with peaks and downtime to appear more put-together in terms of language). Doing things such as this will improve your essay's construction. I suggest applying it all throughout the essay.

In terms of content, I would also suggest to try to be more specific. For instance, you can delve more into what particular courses you are excited about, what makes the institution itself the best out of all. You have slightly done the latter, but it would be nicer if you could be more explicit. Perhaps you can mention data and statistics about how good the academic environment is. If you know someone personally who has gone to the school, you can do a small story-time to relay this information.

Best of luck.

Research Papers / English 102 - Mobile IV Therapy: AZ IV Medics [2]

A couple of mistakes that I had noticed sporadically scattered throughout the essay:
1. Misuse of capitalization
2. Lengthy sentences that have too many thoughts compressed into one
3. In relation to the second point, lengthy paragraphs that can be structured better through creating more of a flow
4. Misuse of punctuation
5. Informal language

Depending on the purpose and intention of the essay, the fifth point could be forgivable. But seeming as the essay is intended to be formal with the way in which you had submitted it and even included a chunk of citations found at the bottom, I would assume that your essay requires a professional/academic level of formality. Having said that, I would recommend that you try to avoid words that do not flow well with that specific formatting.

Let's look at your sixth paragraph. I would revise this first line as:
I met my first botched gastric sleeve patient a few years ago. The person had undergone weight loss surgery. While it was effective in slimming down, the surgery was incorrectly performed.

Notice how I had tried to divide the structure into three differences, making the direction of the story clearer. Restructuring this way can also help you evade having incoherent sentences from lengthy portions that do not necessarily assist with your flow. Having said that, I would also suggest that you try to keep this in mind when you're writing. Moreover, I would also highly recommend that you don't use words such as very because they take away from the essay's quality. Adding words like this can just come off as laziness in writing.

Moreover, I would also suggest that you try to avoid being repetitive with the tone of your text. When you are attempting to be persuasive in a text that has a lot of technical terminologies, I would opt that you try to be more firm with your words.

For instance, in your eight paragraph, I would revise the third sentence as:
We are able to give the patient fluids. If they have past the twelfth month mark in their pregnancy, it is also possible to give medicine for nausea.

Here, I have divided it into two different sentences. Moreover, I had also replaced 12 weeks pregnant (informal) withtwelfth month mark (more formal). It is also not tolerable for you to mention that it's a nausea medicine because the first term cannot be used as an adjective or descriptor. Rather, you can mention that it is a medicine intended for this particular disease/condition. This latter formatting will appear more academically relevant.

Keep these in mind as you are rewriting your essay. Best of luck.

Scholarship / United Nation (UN) co-certification. AAS - why this course or institution essay (330-400 words) [2]

Firstly, watch out for small technical mistakes. While these may be small, overlooking them can greatly harm your essay's structure because it'll appear unprofessional. These small mistakes I have noticed were primarily due to: punctuation, tenses, sentence structures, and general usage of particular terms.

Let's take a look at your first paragraph. It should all be in past tense, considering that you were referring to an experience that had already happened. You should always therefore use this same tense all throughout the paragraph (the essay in general).

For instance:
I proposed to study [...]
When I started my career [...]
And so on.

The misuse of punctuation and sentence structures are both hand-in-hand. I have noticed that you have a tendency to extend your sentences without much thought put into it. What I mean by this is that when you could have created simpler sentence structures, you still tried to merge and compress all your thoughts into a single one. This is a common mistake among ESL learners, considering that there is a lack of guidance on how to translate and integrate thoughts. What you can do, of course, is to try to evade doing this through being more self-aware as you are writing.

Let's take your second paragraph as an example. I can revise this instead as:
I have chosen the University of Newcastle because of the high academic standard. This program, in particular, is the only one that contains the United Nation (UN) co-certification in its usage of tools and frameworks that cater to disaster preparedness, reconstruction, and resilience building.

Notice how I tried to separate your sentence into two different ones. I had also ensured that I tried to minimize (or rather, eliminate words) portions that are irrelevant or unnecessary to the central thought of the essay. Doing this can help you optimize the space that you have for your essay.

Best of luck.

Scholarship / I have implemented change and reform in the biggest student organization in Indonesia [2]

Watch out for small mistakes in your essay that can compromise its overall quality. For instance, your first sentence had quite a confusing structure because of its lack of direction. What I would suggest is that you try to construct simpler sentences to evade small mistakes.

Let's look at your first paragraph and apply this simple technique. What I can do is rewrite this as:
It was 2013 when I was chosen to be the Vice President of one of the biggest student organizations in Indonesia. I was in my third year studying medicine. I managed thousands of members for 17 different medical schools, shouldering responsibilities for human resources and project management. The organization focused on supporting the accomplishment of the Millennium Development Goals (MDGs).

Notice how I had done a number of things here.
1. Reduced the number of commas used in the first sentence through rearranging the format to create a clearer structure
2. Divided into different clusters of sentences areas to ensure that the essay pulls through
3. Separated the portion wherein you mentioned about your responsibilities and your management skills with a comma to create more delineation and flow in content
4. Ensured that the verbs used in the text all follow a single pattern of tenses to be clearer for academic standards

You can implement these techniques for all throughout your essay.

Furthermore, I would also suggest that you try to be wary of your verb tenses. I noticed that it was one of the most common mistakes that you had all throughout your essay.

If we take a look at your last paragraph, we can revise the first line as:
It was a success; and it was a pleasure to witness the organization reform.

What I had done is try to create more concrete sentences through bridging together incoherent portions of your text. If you can grasp doing this more, you'll be able to minimize mistakes that you have. Ultimately, simplification of text requires time and effort. Just keep rereading and double-checking your grammar books.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Space Exploration and Humankind Existence - IELTS TASK 2 [5]


I would recommend that you try to omit unnecessary words in your essay. When you're working with academic essays, you will find yourself bound by word counts. This means that you have to try to condense your language. You should also try to be more precise with your language to help your essay become more specific.

For instance, let's take a look at your first paragraph. I can revise the first sentences here as:
Space exploration was created decades ago because of humanity's desire to understand space. However, there are arguments that counter this. Some say that the high cost of space exploration should be allocated in more important projects.

Notice how I had divided it into three different sentences to make the structure simpler. Alongside that, I also tried to be more precise with language (ie. changing a long time ago to decades ago) to have more formality in the construction of the essay. I have also made sure that I tried to strip down your content (ie. instead of saying unnecessary huge budget, I just mentioned that it has a cost) to accommodate more information.

You had were doing the same act of adding unnecessary length to your essay even until your third paragraph. For instance, in the second sentence here, I would have phrased it as:

Technological development fulfills the hunger for discovery, making us realize that we are not alone.

Notice how you can get away with removing the first phrase without risking changing what you want to tell the readers about your essay. I would also suggest that you try to implement this strategy elsewhere in the essay where it's necessary.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Hard Work vs Luck - what determines people's success? [5]

@toannguyenduc
I highly recommend that you give more context or specific information regarding the topics that you have. For instance, while you have discussed how luck influences us, it would be nicer if you could define what luck specifically means for you in this essay. You could perhaps mention that luck is an organic force in the world that creates a sphere of attaining success. To substantiate, you should also try to become more balanced when it comes to constructing your content. You can perhaps discuss the shortcomings of luck - how it cannot necessarily be attained by everyone, especially because it's not something that you can directly earn.

Moreover, I also recommend that you watch out for minute mistakes that can do negatively contribute to your essay's structure. You should be able to reread and determine portions that are grammatically incorrect. You can do a lot of things in relation to this. You can try to be more wary of the words that you write.

Let's look at your fourth paragraph. The last sentence here had sporadic mistakes. I could revise this portion instead as:
A year ago, he had won the lottery, earning him a huge sum of money. This money, however, was used mainly for alcohol and drugs. This caused him to return back to poverty.

Notice the way that I phrased it. For one, I took the story step by step to create a better flow and structure for the essay. This is a better approach because it will be easier than cramming everything into a single sentence.

Graduate / SOP for Master of information / Computer Programming (Harvard online) [2]

In terms of content, I think that your essay is excellent. It has provided a comprehensive overview of your background as an individual, a learner, and a professional. However, your essay can still be improved in terms of structure and grammatical composition. Let's take a look at a couple of key areas.

You have a tendency to compose sentences that generally do not make a lot of sense. The issue arises when you have sentence structures that do not conform to conventional language. Avoid using redundant words as well when you are trying to compose your sentences.

Let's take a look at your first paragraph. The second and third sentences cannot be comprehended fluidly.

I would revise these lines instead as:
Problems for humanity should be solved by humans themselves. Being a designer means creating solutions for new problems that emerge.

In your second paragraph, you had committed similar mistakes. Notice how your first and sixth sentence here should have been written as:
My story started long ago.
[...]
While others used chunks of red and yellow, my design was astounding. I had utilized materials that fit the content of the design, trying to retain interest in the process.

I have noticed that most of the mistakes that you had done were primarily because you had misunderstandings in the forms of the verb. What I suggest is you try to review once more on this to grasp more the fundamentals. Since this is more of a long-term recommendation, I would suggest that you try to use simpler sentences when constructing your essay. While this may not necessarily fix it, it can certainly help you evade some issues that you have when it comes to writing.

Let's look at your fourth paragraph. We can revise the second sentence here as:
She was developing an entrepreneurial project that aimed to build a platform for blockchain technology. This allowed everyone to post and share ideas to change the world, paving way for participation and collaboration.

Notice how doing small things like separating your thoughts into two separate sentences can make a huge difference when it comes to establishing clearer themes for your essay. Once you accomplish this, you can have a better hold over the direction that your essay will go.

Keep these in mind; and you're doing good. Best of luck!

Graduate / Motivation for selecting a career in healthcare & interest in becoming an anesthesiologist assistant [4]

@present1079
With minor flaws and a few alterations, I think that your essay is good-to-go already. Regardless of this, I do have a few recommendations that you can take in if you wish to revise or edit your essay further.

I would opt that you tackle the story of your relocation (currently your last paragraph) earlier on in your essay. I have noticed that while your essay provides a substantial overview of your professional background, the last paragraph is a better hook. It almost will act as a testament to your devotion to the field as it tells the story of an issue that you have found yourself in - and how you can potentially contribute to its resolution in the future. The quotation that you have added in the end of the essay can be a great opening line for your essay. While I know that you have currently structured your essay to be in a chronological pattern that will explain things from the beginning of your career until the end, I also think that you are better off if you can structure it in a way that you hook the evaluators or readers from the very beginning.

You have focused immensely on showcasing your experiences in terms of professional relevance. I would like to see you incorporate more of your personal values and thoughts into the essay's overall structure. You should tackle what your principles are, how the profession aligns with your personal interests, and how you see yourself in the future when it comes to standing up for the values that you believe in. If you can connect these values to your experiences, you can provide a better overview of your background as an individual. This will give you the leverage that you need to capture the attention of the readers.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / IELTS2 - It's students, not teachers, choice to learn the material. Who's of control over studying? [3]

Great essay and writing. I applaud your fluidity when it comes to writing. I do have a couple of content-related recommendations that I think could be beneficial for your essay's overall quality.

While you have sufficiently argued when it comes to tackling the issue of how it's a personal responsibility to learn, you should learn to balance out your thoughts. This can help legitimize and substantiate your concerns when it comes to writing. Remember that when you are writing essays such as this that are argumentative at best, you should try to elaborate through touching on the fringes of the other side of the coin. Doing this can massively improve what you have now.

I recommend that you try to elaborate more on the boundaries. I am assuming that you are well-aware that it is not solely the isolated responsibility of the student to learn, especially not in a classroom-based setup. Discuss when and where the responsibility of the teacher ends when it comes to learning. You touched this a little bit in your third paragraph when you went on discussing about how teachers cannot force students to learn. You can go in-depth to the limitations of the teacher.

I would also recommend that you try to be more exploratory when you are referencing to examples. Discuss the impact of both sides when it comes to their differences in approaching prospects in the future. How different is a self-learned student from a fully guided one when it comes to risk-taking? How about when it comes to overcoming adversaries? Does the act of self-teaching enhance one's self-confidence when it comes to being competent and independent?

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / TOEIC- What are the advantages and disdvantages of teenagers having jobs? [3]

@joanne1203
I suggest rephrasing your first paragraph to answer more directly to the question. The phrasing of the question is asking you to elaborate on the advantages and disadvantages of teenagers acquiring jobs; it is not particularly asking for a specific opinion on people who forbid their children to have part-time jobs.

If I were to revise this, I could say something like:
There has been a growing debate on whether teenagers should or should not partake in part-time jobs while they are studying. There are pros and cons to this that will be elaborated in the essay.

Notice how instead of pointing attention to the fact that there are parents who forbid children from taking jobs, I have chosen to discuss that there benefits and disadvantages to the situation at-hand. While the point you have made is legitimate, it does not necessarily address what is asked for in the question. A simple rebranding and revising can help you immensely.

When you're writing your essay, always have that end-goal in mind that you are writing for the sake of answering the question; therefore, this only warrants that you pay close attention to details.

I have also noticed that you have a tendency to construct complex and quite honestly baffling sentence structures. Evade this at all costs, especially if you are writing for a test. This can help you create a better flow for your essay.

Let's take a look at your second paragraph. What I would have done here instead is:
Firstly, when children are young, it is advised that they focus on their academics. This is a period of time that they should devote most of their attention to studying. If they choose to work part-time, they may neglect to finish their homework. This can eventually lead to bad grades, harming potentially their long-run school career.

Notice how I had divided my sentences into smaller chunks of thoughts. Notice how I had also clarified my language through articulating in the most logical manner possible. You should always follow a rhythm when you are writing. Make sure that you make it clear to the readers why this particular thought would lead to this other thought eventually. Having this grasp over language can exponentially help you.

In terms of the technical portions, you should be wary of your usage of verbs (forms-wise). There were instances wherein you did not follow the conventions of grammar in subject-verb agreements.

This is noticeable in your third paragraph. Let's look at the fourth sentence in here. I could rephrase it as:
I had a classmate who slept always in classes and seldom did his homework.

These mistakes may be minute, but the technical criteria when you are writing for tests is crucial and may make or break your entire standing.

I would also suggest that you try to extend your conclusion. Because of the word count, I would only suggest that you try to keep minimum your story-telling in the second paragraph to devote more of your space into adding substance to the last portions of the essay.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: What are the factors and strategies of a worldwide issue: fresh water limitation? [3]

@ZeldaDoan
In terms of content, I can see how you have substantiated your key points fluidly. The readers would definitely appreciate how you have managed to do this. I do have a couple of recommendations that I think would benefit your essay when it comes to the technicalities (grammar, composition, structure) of your essay. While you have sufficient grasp of the English language, the structure can be quite baffling at times.

I recommend that you try to evade using sentence structures that are quite lengthy. This is especially when you have two to three clauses crammed into a single sentence. Not only is this dragging to consume for the readers, but it also creates a distance between the meaning and the tone of your essay. To make your essays more concise, stick to using straightforward language and words. Doing this can enhance your essay's composition by a mile.

Let's take your second paragraph as an example. I would revise the first line as:
Firstly, there is a need to have an in-depth discussion about the surge of global population. In developing Asian and African countries, a good percentage of the people do not have access to fresh water.

Notice how I had done three key things here. Firstly, I ensured that I divided your sentence into two separate ones to make the utterance and flow better. Secondly, I had also shifted the phrasing from developing countries in some parts of Asia and majority of Africa into simply developing Asian and African countries. This can help you create more concise language, eliminating unnecessary fractions of the text. Thirdly, I had also tried to use more formal phrases to give your text leverage. For instance, I mentioned a good percentage instead of a huge amount. While the latter is acceptable, the former appears to be more academically tuned.

I recommend that you try to structure your composition this way; and you will be able to relay your message and meaning clearer to the readers.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / IELTS- effects advertisement on consumer goods sale [3]

@Jipsa Jadwani
The content of your essay deviates a little bit from what is being asked for in the question. The question was not necessarily asking if people still would still buy highly advertised products regardless of the consequences; the question was asking if high sales would be a tangible measure of advertising. Notice how the former focuses on the consumer's attitude, whereas the latter focuses on a sales perspective to the issue. You had accommodated to the former, however you were not answering to the latter (which should be the core topic of the essay).

Taking this into consideration, I do believe that you should focus on enhancing the content of your essay in accordance. Your second paragraph, for instance, focused on how certain advertised goods are harmful for mankind. What you could have done here is tackle why companies still advertise these goods regardless of their negative impact to society. You could go in-depth in the topic of how profit-oriented these companies are, taking advantage of people's wants over fueling the greater good. Having a sense of direction in your essay is pivotal when you're writing - keep this in mind.

Furthermore, your third paragraph had potential but was not able to fully optimize its own content. Your direction in writing was alright when it came to tackling how advertisements manipulate people. You should discuss more about this. Perhaps you can give an example of instances wherein people have fallen into debt because of how advertisements prey on people's insecurities to gain profit.

I recommend that you revise the essay to have more direction in answering the question given to you.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Writing task 2- Should the media limit bad news? [4]

Let's divide this feedback into two portions: technicalities and content-wise.

Regarding the technical composition of your text, I would suggest that you try to simplify your language and utterances to make sure that your delivery is smooth. You have a tendency to create complicated sentences; and while these are generally alright and acceptable, it is best to evade them when you're partaking in tests. If you cannot, try to at least keep it minimal.

Let's take a look at your introduction sentence. It's quite dragging how the first sentence tries to encompass a multitude of thoughts when it can be rewritten as something simpler.

I would revise it as:
The world nowadays is rapidly developing, causing the emergence of technological conventions in media. This has made it impossible to avoid the consumption of negative news.

Notice how I had split it into two portions. This will make sure that I first put on the table the general idea behind the essay; and then afterwards, I had uttered what is wrong with it. This is a logical structure that is easier to follow than condensing all data into one chunk of a sentence. I recommend following a similar pattern.

In terms of content, while I appreciate your usage of examples to have more clarity and substance to your points, I also suggest that you try to expound more about the general idea. You can just give a brief example while still being able to pay attention to what you truly want to say.

For instance, in your second paragraph, it's quite unclear what you mean by how journalists and editors run their compositions for news. Do you mean that they only write to showcase what is truly going on in society?

You have to be more concise with your usage of words.

You should also expound your conclusion a little bit more. Once you condense your thoughts and eliminate unnecessary examples in your essay, you will be able to have more space to create a brief summation of what you want to tell the people regarding the limitations of negative news.

Best of luck.

Scholarship / I want to move on to the next level - pursuing a master degree abroad in IT. Supporting Statement [3]

I like the flow of your story-telling. What is usually missing for supporting statements for admissions are anecdotes that showcase your personality and how devoted you are to the field. I would only suggest that you try to be more professional or formal with your language as this is an academic requirement. You can still be creative while maintaining a serious tone in your essay.

For instance, I can recommend this formatting for your introductory as:
I can recall the first time I laid hands and saw a computer. The complexity of its parts fascinated me: the box that was alike a television, wires that were connected to the box which made noise, [...]

Notice how I was still describing the scenario while still attempting to be innovative with the way that I describe it. You have to use more adjectives and make mention of your feelings as the event is happening. Doing this can enhance your essay's overall look because it will show how dedicated and passionate you are about the object at hand.

Having said that, while I do believe that your essay suffices in terms of showcasing your personality and passion, I recommend that you also make mention of the technicalities of the degree. Talk about why you want to be part of this university - what about the curriculum you are looking forward to. Talk about the curriculum and about what fascinates you about the country (as you are applying as an international student). Talk about what excites you about this opportunity.

If you can make a comprehensive statement that will showcase your love and devotion to both the career and the institution that you wish to be a part of, it will greatly benefit your essay.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Why sports are important to people? TOIEC Writing [2]

Divide your composition into separate paragraphs to follow the general rules and conventions of writing.

I recommend that you try to evade the usage of informal language. Doing this can enhance the overall quality of your essay because it will enable you to have more grammatically correct composition.

Let's take a look at your first few sentences.
I can revise these as:
There is an increasing trend of the number of people who prefer playing sports. We have individuals who enjoy jogging, playing basketball, or simply going to the gym. The essay will expound on the reasons why people like exercising.

Notice how I had changed more and more into increasing; I had also changed nowadays into mentioning that it is an increasing trend. Doing subtle changes such as this can drastically improve your essay because it paves way for the fluidity of the language to come through. Try to mimic this technique throughout the essay.

When you make bold statements in your essay, always make sure that you try to briefly support it with additional details. Even just small details can help. For instance, when you mention that we have an increasing appetite for junk food, you can give a sentence or two that expounds this before proceeding to your next sentences. This is essential, especially if you aim to have a structured formatting to your essay.

Apart from these things, I think that mentioning a couple of stories was a good call for this particular essay. I would only suggest that you try to tone down your tone, keep everything as formal as possible, and watch out for grammatical mishaps that can disrupt your essay's flow.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Respecting teachers today vs in the past [2]

I like your composition. The simplicity of your language wonderfully plays out; it enables the readers to have a better grasp of what your thoughts are. Keep it up. I do have a couple of recommendations regarding content that you may apply if you see fit.

I would evade using language (or words/phrases) that is informal. Although this is not necessarily a horrendous idea considering that it can help tone down your essay's structure, I would still suggest that you try to be as strict as possible when it comes to the development of your language.

Let's take a look at your second paragraph.

I can revise the second sentence as:
Teachers play vital roles in the future of children. This is accompanied by the increasing attention given to the educational sectors. This, in turn, has also caused parents to develop a deep sense of respect for teachers. If these educators are irresponsible in their field, students won't optimize their potential skills.

Notice how I had played around with language and composition. Doing this can help your essay become more creative when it comes to finding a direction. Doing this can also improve your essay's direction when it comes to reaching a particular conclusion every time you end your paragraph.

A general exercise that I give out is to read out your essay out loud. Be as unbiased as you possibly can be. If you still have questions regarding the content, then it warrants that you should revise your essay's substance.

I would recommend applying these comments throughout your essay.

I also recommend to be clearer in your utterances in your concluding remarks. There was no mention of the impact of technological changes to the educational viewpoint of parents and teachers anywhere else in the essay other than here. When you're providing conclusion, it should encompass and provide a briefing of details that you have already tackled. Doing this can help your essay develop more in-depth content.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / ADVANTAGES AND DISADVANTAGES OF EATING OUT [3]

You should always ensure that you are using words in the correct manner, especially when you are using them as pairs. A good example of this would be the usage of pros and cons; both of these words are almost always seen together, especially when you are talking about comparative essays.

While your essay does have a general structure, it still does not follow through with general conventions. What I mean by this is that you had grammatical slip-ups that had a negative impact in the overall appeal of the writing.

Let's take a look at your first paragraph and deconstruct it.

I would revise this as:
There is a growing amount of people who prefer dining out. While this trend is generally accepted, it has its pros and cons. Briefly, its pros could include the fact that it provides convenience and a new atmosphere. Conversely, it does have risks including potential unhealthiness and high prices.

Notice how I had structured it as:
[general overview of the situation] -> [what is to be discussed in the essay] -> [a balanced, brief overview of what will be tackled in the next paragraphs]

Doing this formatting for your essay can enhance the introduction because it provides a structured alternative rather than juggling with thoughts and needing to be repetitive with your language.

I do appreciate what you currently have in your essay. I like how you substantiated you arguments in the succeeding paragraphs. The only thing left is to ensure that you use more formal language (ie. in your third paragraph, it should start out with conversely instead of oppositely for formality purposes) and make sure that you follow a particular flow.

Best of luck.

Scholarship / AAS - Supporting Statement : Learning and Leadership / Education Study [3]

Have more enthusiasm in your tone of writing. Doing this can be as simple as adding more adjectives to your essay. When you do this, you are able to appear more expressive and accommodating to the offer that you have.

You also have to be wary of your fundamental grammar rules for the language itself. I have noticed minor slip-ups. These are easily fixed through making sure that you develop a steadfast mindset and a self-corrective pattern of writing. Simply read once more about the fundamentals; apply it once you reread your essay. If you cannot, you can always go for a second opinion.

As I was mentioning, a combination of both these comments should be generously applied throughout your essay.

Let's try applying them into your first paragraph. I would revise the first lines as:
Ever since I started working for the Human Resources (HR) Department seven years ago, I have developed a keen interest in its development. As having issues in training programs is commonplace, I have decided that I would like to partake in enhancing my knowledge about the field. I have noticed two key issues: [mention briefly the issues here]

I hope that this presents you with a clearer picture of what I would recommend for your essay.

You should be wary of your capitalization. If your intention is to give attention to specific portions of the text, there are other alternatives that you can do (see first point of my comment). To ensure the formality of your text, you should only apply the capitalization to pronouns. Always abide by the fundamental rules even when you're writing supporting statements such as this.

I also recommend that you maintain a single flow of language. What this entails is that you should avoid shifting your verb tenses around because it will be baffling to the evaluators themselves. For instance, if you wish to write the entirety of the text as if you are story-telling, then using past tense with a few participles thrown in should suffice. Only change the tone when you're speaking about prospects because then it would warrant the usage of future tenses.

Once you're more careful with your grammar usage, I would opt that you then proceed to have more focus on the content of your essay.You could add more anecdotes in the composition. What you could is incorporate more personalized stories to enhance your chances. Having a more intimate touch to your essay can help evaluators understand where you're coming from.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 1 - The given maps illustrates how campus of Woodwards University changed from 1985 to today [2]

I would omit lines that you do not necessarily need. Let's take your first sentence as an example. In here, you could simply remove the to today at the end of your essay. What you could also do is revise and change your phrasing to create a formal tone in your essay.

For instance, I would revise this line also as:
The given map provides a comparative overview of Woodwards University's campus between 1985 and today.

Notice how instead of mentioning that the map illustrates a change, I had simply mentioned that the map is a comparative one. This can already elucidate that it projects two images that should be taken side-by-side.

Your second paragraph is sufficient. I do not recommend touching this portion.

As for your third paragraph, I recommend that you try to be clearer with your language. Don't be afraid of constructing new sentences that are simpler. This can help your essay appear more put-together.

The construction of the language is quite off-putting and confusing. I would suggest implementing a single structure or format for all your sentences to make sure that you have a more concise setting for your essay to have a flow to it.

What you could do is perhaps something similar to this:
In [date], the [area 1] was demolished to pave way for [area 2 that replaced area 1].

You can move around the phrasing and words to have more freedom and flexibility with your essay. While I usually frown on repetitive language because it should be evaded in substantive essays, descriptive essays like this that should have more specific information are encouraged to have more structure.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Task 2 IELTS. Topic: LAW. Should defendant's criminal record be available in legal cases? [2]

I would suggest changing the formatting of your sentences at times. This can enhance the flow and the structure of your essay because it will help you evade mistakes as you are composing your text.

For instance, in your first paragraph, I could revise the first line to be:
To give protection to the defendant, British and Australian laws have not permitted judges to see past convictions of a criminal. Some contest to this, mentioning that the criminal history should instead be open.

Notice how I had separated your two thoughts into sentences to ensure that the delivery is clearer. Furthermore, I had also changed your articulation through combining phrases that will create better flow for your essay (laws in Britain and Australia became British and Australian laws). Having a more formal tone will help your essay improve.

Aside from this, I think that your essay has sufficient content, especially because you are working with a word count.

Best of luck as always.

Letters / Celebrating a special occasion in a restaurant and being verysatisfied with the food and service [4]

@zoecheng
While I don't necessarily think that you should use formal language because the intent and purpose of the paper itself does not require that,I still think that you should keep in mind the fundamental grammatical conventions.

Setting that aside, in terms of structure, you should have more hold over the formatting and outline of the flow of your essay. For instance, you can do just three separate paragraphs that addresses each point that is required. This will help you evade cluttered structures that do not have a specific goal in mind.

What you could do here is change the formatting of your second paragraph and merge it with the first. Alongside this, you may also shift around the phrasing.

For instance, if I were to rewrite these portions to create an introduction for you, it would look like:
My family and I had arranged to find a restaurant for dinner online. We were lurking around and found an advertisement for your restaurant. Needless to say, I am writing to send my appreciation because of the premium quality of services we were given during our stay.

Notice how I had first given a brief introduction of what had transpired to smoothly shift into what you want to say. I recommend this approach especially for letter essays that do not necessarily need a formal tone to them because you can do a lot without compromising the quality.

Look into your composition - or the way that you structure your texts. Notice that your third paragraph appeared to be messy because you were trying to mix altogether all your thoughts into one phrase. What you could do is divide your thoughts and sentences into easier to comprehend portions through separating them. Alongside this, I would also suggest watching out for your usage of preposition.

For instance, I would revise this line as:
We were supposed to spend our weekend together because of my birthday. My mother mentioned wanting to cook multiple dishes for this special day. Unfortunately, she had sprained her wrist, causing us to resort to eating out.

What I had done is essentially changed the formatting and tone of language; and I had also made certain that I simply separate the lines into different sentences to make the delivery simpler. Implement this throughout your letter.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Writing Task 2: Modern communication vs Writing letters [2]

I appreciate the structure and content of your essay. I do have a couple of recommendations that can better the flow of your writing.

Firstly, I would suggest that you try to evade the usage of words that are quite vague or unclear. This can diminish the quality of your essay because it does not contribute to the meaning of your words; rather, it only adds to the word count. Alongside this, I would also watch out for your usage of articles. The excess or absence of these words in your content can greatly affect the quality. Moreover, I would add that you should try to be clearer with your language. When you mention that there are modern alternatives, you can already mention what these are.

Let's take your first paragraph's second sentence as an example. I would revise this as:
Although a few still use written letters, this traditional communication way should be eliminated because of the benefits of its alternative: the usage of electronic devices.

Notice how I had shifted around the wording and phrasing to make improve its flow; and I had also integrated a straightforward approach to the writing.

I can also apply this to your third paragraph's fourth sentence by revising it as:
Additionally, the surge of mobile networks has made modern communications conducive to receivers.

Secondly, try to use more fluid methods of transitioning into your arguments. While using the words first and second to sort out your thoughts into the essay is acceptable, you can opt to omit them and instead use moreover, furthermore, and other similar words to enhance your content's composition. This will also help you evade using redundant or repetitive words that diminish the quality of the text.

Lastly, I recommend adding more details to your concluding remarks. If you follow through with the previous two suggestions that I have, you would be able to at least free up a little bit of space in your word count to make sure that your essay has more space for substantive content. Give a brief summation here of your standpoint in the essay.

Best of luck.

Scholarship / Physician and pulmonologist - How will the proposed study contribute to your career? [2]

@drimran
I recommend that you revise the formatting and structure of your essay in terms of the flow of content.

I would suggest the following layout:
1. The state of public health in Pakistan
2. Your personal experience with the system in your country
3. Insert your current first paragraph here
4. Tackle about why you have chosen Australia and this university
5. In terms of health practice, tackle what this university can teach you
6. Long-term career goals and professional development aspirations

By having a structure like this, you will have a more inductive method of essay writing. Doing this can enhance the output that you have because it will first explain the perspective that you have. Because your background has a strong influence on your decision to pursue this degree in the country, you can expound more about why this opportunity can teach you things that you otherwise would not be able to learn.

You should expand your last paragraph as well. How does a degree from Australia give you leverage specifically in your country? How will this give you even more opportunities to grow professionally? How will you be able to reshape your career and teach these lessons to other people once you get out of it?

Once you are able to curate your own story as descriptive as you possibly can, you would be able to enhance the content that you have right now.

Best of luck.

Graduate / Check my SOP for Department of Material Science and Simulation at Ruhr-Universitaet Bochum [2]

I like how you were adding a lot of anecdotes in your essay. This will help you stand out in a sea of applications that focus on technical qualifications. While it is great, I do think that your composition can be improved through using structures that are more formal and descriptive at the same time. To do this, I suggest that you try to use language more creatively in a way that you specifically tell stories as vivid as you possibly can.

For instance, let's take a look at your second paragraph. You could rewrite your second sentence here as:
I recall a time when I had participated in a science fair in school. There were students who were laboriously working on an engine of a bike. I was fascinated by the sight; and this made me contemplate on the extent of what we can do as human beings.

This is a more creative approach to telling the story than simply explaining what had happened. Notice how the simple insertion of adjectives at the right portions of the text can help with how descriptive your essay is. This can also help the readers understand the depth of your experience more because you expose them to what the scenario was at the time.

I recommend that in the last portions of your essay, you should be more descriptive about what you are anticipating or looking forward for in the university you are applying for. Discuss in-depth why Germany is the best option for you. What makes the country and this university stand out from the multitude of options that you have?

Aside from that, I also want you to look into the technical of the essay itself. You do not need to capitalize terms like engineering whereas you need to capitalize formal terminologies like Mechanical Engineering, Manufacturing Engineering, and related concepts (basically pronouns). There is also no need to capitalize on adjectives that you present in the essay (curious, engrossment, etc.). If you want to emphasize on these terms, you can simply focus on story-telling in reference to them to showcase and assert that you possess the qualities. Aside from that, to ensure the formality of your structure, there is no need for you to make irregular or out-of-the-box structure changes to lure attention into your essay.

Best of luck.

Scholarship / Master in IT - statement for AAS - Why did you choose your proposed course and institution? [3]

I'll provide you primarily with guide questions and a few commentaries for your three paragraphs.

Regarding your first paragraph, I suggest that you try to be more specific with what you are trying to say. You were giving out vague lines regarding helping your country without specifying which particular issues you would like to address. You should discuss how you plan to help out your country, why these steps require you to pursue this advanced degree, and what you see yourself doing for the country in the future. For instance, you can tackle how technological transfer can assist you in the long-run.

You may answer to:
What are the current trends and issues in the IT industry of your country?
How do you plan to address these issues through your proposed study?
Why do you think your country will benefit from this?
What's your personal fulfillment from being able to do this?

When tackling universities that are part of your options, I suggest that you also try to be more descriptive and specific.
What about the curriculum in these universities excite you?
Why do you believe that being in these campuses would contribute to your overall character?
How are your career goals (long-term and short-term) in line with your potential entry into this program?
Which courses do you plan to partake in?
Do you have any professors in these programs that you have read researches on that you are excited to meet?

Remember that the more specific you are, the better.
Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - many youngsters choose to shop as one of their favorite leisure activities [2]

You should create a more balanced argumentation format for your essay's structure. Notice how roughly two-thirds of your essay was spent explaining the dynamics of shopping - and how this affects this particular demography. You had spent little time explaining what the point of your essay was, which was to ultimately tackle why it is advantageous to have alternatives to merely shopping. If you can balance out your essay's overall composition, it would sharpen the content of your essay. Talk more about how the alternatives provide benefits to the young people.

As for my technical commentaries, I recommend that you try to look at small mistakes that you may have overlooked in your essay. For instance, you had small mistakes regarding the usage of verb tenses and usage of commas. I would also suggest that you try sticking with less complex structure formats to help you lessen the potential mistakes.

For instance, I would revise your second paragraph's second line as:
The rapidly changing world and enhanced technological developments entail that they have to continuously hone their skills to survive in the job market. This adds intense stress to their lifestyles.

Notice how I had your single line into two separate ones to make the delivery of the message clearer. Doing this to your longer structures can help clear out any confusing phrases that you may have; and this as well permits you to evade harsh deliveries.

You should also add more details into your conclusion. If you follow through with the instructions in the first portions of this feedback, you'll be able to address this lack of substantiation in this area.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / I was ghosted by a girl and I just let it go [2]

Are you writing this for a creative writing class?
You should always ensure that your language is articulated smoothly. While your essay has content and attempts to write in a structured format, prose requires people to truly be descriptive in their tone. You can do this through having more of a story-telling language rather than a muted, monotonous approach to the topic of the essay.

You should also review your fundamentals of grammar because there were instances wherein you had lapses or puny mistakes that could easily be fixed.
Let's take your first paragraph as an example. I would phrase this instead as:
I refuse to contact a person who would ghost me twice. This may be common in our easy-going society, however it doesn't mean it is correct.

Make sure that you compose your sentences as clear as possible through having more hold over the structure. Evade sentences that leave hanging questions.
Like what I had mentioned in the beginning, you should also try to be more descriptive. Tell stories in relation to what you are stating. What has she done in the past that qualifies her as a toxic partner? What was an instance that she showed disrespect to other people?

Your concluding remarks were also quite unclear. Are you trying to say that you want to let this person go?
Like most essay writing, creative works should always aim to have a structured beginning and end (not unless you are attempting to use a different structure). Knit a story that would come out as believable.

Best of luck.

Letters / PhD Cover letter - Health Sector - Research Group Position [3]

Excellent essay! I appreciate how detailed and clear you are with your essay's intent. I do have a few recommendations that I feel will positively contribute to your composition.

I would suggest that you move your personal description to the top-most portion of the essay. You currently have this section as the second to the last paragraph. Doing this can give the evaluators a personal overview of who you are before you proceed to your technical qualifications. I have always wanted people to prioritize this because it will enable them to have an intimate, personal perception of you that will help lure the evaluators into reading your qualifications. Especially when you are applying for such a rigorous field, you should always try to gain leverage through showcasing how motivated and laborious you are.

What I would also suggest is that you incorporate more anecdotes into your essay.Considering that the cover letter gives you the space and freedom to somehow market yourself as a candidate, you should take advantage of this. By adding more personal details into your essay that is different from merely mentioning your professional credentials, it would make you have a more personal approach towards the application. Showcase how devoted you are to the field by tackling, for instance, what you had to overcome to be able to be part of this field.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / ielts: Fair earnings - sports professionals can earn a lot of money [3]

You should move the first sentence of your second paragraph into the first paragraph. It looks more structured if you proceed to listing directly instead of needing to introduce this portion into your body.

I recommend that you tone down making bold proclamations in your essay. While the intent behind why you are doing this may be positive, you should keep in mind that making assertions should always be followed by back-up details that can substantiate your words. If you cannot, always try to evade words that can appear to be aggressive.

For instance, let's take a look at your second paragraph's third sentence. Instead of mentioning that anyone can play sports, you can perhaps say:

While these sports require intensive training, these skills can also be learned by other people.
This is a more mellow approach to your essay's content.
When making your point, keep in mind that the sports field is also an all-or-nothing career. This means that a single injury can break their entire career, causing them to be unemployed for a longer period of time. If you take this into account, there are risks present in the field - however, it could just be that these risks are potentially easier to mitigate than others. Discuss your thoughts in a more in-depth and balanced way.

Use less complex structures; and also use more formal language. Doing both in tandem can help develop a more academic tone in your essay.
For instance, I could implement that technique in the third paragraph's third sentence through revising it as:
Athletes have to manage their diet and make a lot of personal sacrifices. This includes, for example, not being able to spend time with their loved ones. While the fame included in sports appears to be superficially glorious, it is not necessarily risk-free.

I would also suggest that follow through your summation and conclusion with the same formatting.
Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Timing for choosing a job [3]

@yoona_crocodiles
Try to use simpler or less complex structures in your sentences to evade potential mistakes. It's already quite difficult to keep track of the fundamental structures and grammar rules on their own. I would highly suggest that to keep minimum the mistakes, you should always try working with shorter, concise sentences. Doing this can enhance the overall flow of your essay because you would have more grasp over the direction of your content.

You should also try to avoid language that is quite informal. Always stick to an academic format of writing.
Let's take a look at your first paragraph. It is nice how you have incorporated more of a story-telling format in this portion. However, it would be appreciated if you could tone down your usage of informal words. For instance, I could revise your second line as:

Young people prefer staying away from desk jobs that require them to be in cubicles because of the monotonous nature of the work.
Notice how instead of mentioning normal job, I had opted to say desk jobs that require you to stay in cubicles because it sounds more formal and fluid. I also did not call the work boring - instead what I had done is mention that the nature of the work is repetitive. Learning this technique can be quite difficult at first; but for as long as you use your dictionary and thesaurus, you'll go a long way with improving the tone of your language.

Apply these comments to the next paragraph as well.
You should also separate your conclusion from the second paragraph. Watch out for your usage of preposition. It should be in conclusion - not to conclusion (not unless you want to say to conclude then it would be grammatically correct). In addition, you should also be more clear with your language here.

Link back your conclusion to the overall context or theme of the essay. It's insufficient to just say that everything depends to the individual. Mention how fulfilling this path is in comparison to moving too much between jobs.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Whether it's necessary that children should learn to manage their money at young age [3]

@yuanyinan
Are you working with a specific word count? If you are, then I suggest that you try to manage better your usage of words through removing unnecessary articles and synonymous terms to pave way for a more in-depth discussion. If you are not, I suggest being more specific with the content that you have.

You should try to evade words that are quite informal. For instance, in your first sentence, you mentioned that more and more people come to the idea whereas you should have phrased it as:

Society's development has caused an increase in the amount of people who believe that children should manage their finances earlier.
Aside from changing those three words, I had as well used more formal language and tone in my composition ("managing their finances earlier") to indicate a more structured format. Doing this can elevate the overall strength of your writing.

I suggest that you also try to move around your paragraphs to create an inductive pattern for your reasoning. Your tips on how to develop children's financial management capabilities should be placed at least before you discuss why insufficient knowledge can lead to negative consequences. If you do this, your essay will have a more flared out effect to it.

Try to play around with the structure and formatting. Make sure that you maintain a serious tone throughout your essay - and you will be alright.

Writing Feedback / The dilemma of whether to earn a living or continute studies [3]

@kwang_ha
You should be more clear with your language. From the get-go, it was quite unclear which position you wanted to take in as a perspective for your essay. While it became clear in your succeeding paragraphs, it would be better for your essay's structure if you can introduce this concept earlier.

Let's have a look at what you have written. You merely mentioned that"that is better than to become a postgraduate student" whereas you could have already said:

From my perspective, I would argue that it is better to pursue postgraduate degrees.
You should watch out for your usage of particular words. If you look at your second paragraph, you had mentioned that there are many adolescence. This is an incorrect usage of the word adolescence because this noun does not pertain to the people themselves in the stage - rather it only pertains to the stage itself of growth. In the next sentence, the thought process that you had was quite unclear as well. How exactly does earning money make an individual more mature and independent? To what extent does financial independence help an individual grow? If you can tackle these issues, it would help facilitate your essay's thought process.

Regarding your third paragraph, you should expound more on the thoughts that you have for your essay. What I would recommend is that you expound more about what advanced education teaches students. You can potentially discuss what specific skills this teaches people. If you can tackle these ideas, then you would be able to go in-depth as to what truly goes on in this field.

What you can do as well is contextualize your essay. If you can expound your ideas through perhaps focusing on a specific field. You were sporadically mentioning multiple career paths that could potentially be used. But what would be helpful is if you could, for instance, just pay attention to one and curate a story of how this field plays out with advanced studies.

Just work on your content's substantiation - and you'll be fine. Best of luck.

Scholarship / Accounting and Finance - description of your study/research objectives and why want to pursue them [4]

@apachialfa
Applications for the Fulbright Scholarship are competitive. Make sure that you always put your best foot forward when it comes to writing down your study objectives. You can do this through a multitude of ways, but what I would recommend that you do is focus more on incorporating personal stories or anecdotes that can showcase your personality and your background. You can perhaps incorporate the story of when you first realized that this field is for you, or if you can tackle a circumstance that you had to go through to be able to be part of this field. Doing this can showcase a level of perseverance that others may not have for the field.

In your second and third paragraphs, I would also suggest that you try to be more specific with your content. How exactly does finance help you in your day to day life? How do you see yourself in this career path a decade from now? How do you want to use your skills here in a different light aside from just merely earning money? If you can provide context and examples, it would be better for your essay's overall structure.

I would only suggest that you make your essay appear more humane than structured and composed. While your essay now has a lot of the practical and the technical know-hows that are necessary for the application, it still lacks that vigor and assertion that you truly need to be part of the program. Remember that when applying for scholarship, they are not only testing what you know about the technical language - rather they are also testing you as an individual who can surpass any potential challenges that you may face in the future. Showcasing your true personality in the essay is key.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Topic: Young people read few books. What are the reasons for this problem and what can be done it? [2]

I would firstly recommend that you watch out for your usage of the definitive article the. There were instances wherein you should have placed it but failed to do so - and, on the contrary, you were also placing it in places wherein you did not necessarily need to.

In relation to this, I would revise your first paragraph as:
The recent years have witnessed a significant decrease of young people reading books. This essay will discuss the factors that led to this and the possible solutions to the problem.

Notice how I had shifted around your wordings to have a better structure. Furthermore, I had also ensured that your usage of articles is better through targeting which portions need a the and which portions do not. For formality purposes, I had placed a the before possible solutions. If you reread it, it should appear a bit more put-together than what you have previously constructed.

I would also recommend that you watch out for your usage of quantifiers or countable(s) (few, fewer, fewest). Notice how in your second paragraph, you were merely saying that young people read few books whereas the main issue of the essay wants you tackle the lessening (hence why it is supposed to be fewer) of the reading of said material. These small mistakes are mostly technical that have to be grasped.

You should also watch out for the formatting of your verbs. When you are composing your texts, it is only right that you maintain the basic rules. For instance, when you're integrating multiple verbs in one sentence, you should always make sure that you implement the same format all throughout.

Let's look at the third sentence of your second paragraph. We should instead phrase it as:
People nowadays are under the pressure to earn money, hence why they face heavy work load everyday even as they go home.
Doing this can give your essay more direction and structure because it follows through with the conventions of writing. Notice how I also altered specific parts such as putting everyday instead of all day to articulate in a more formal manner.

You should watch out for your usage verbs that do not quite fit with the structure of your essay.
We can observe this in the second sentence of your third paragraph wherein it should have been:
Firstly, young people should be educated about the merits of reading books for them to voluntarily partake in it.
Notice how instead of using the word youngster, I replaced it with a more formal word (young people). You can also observe how I had omitted aims considering that you had already mentioned a synonymous word (merits). Lastly, because undertake voluntarily seemed out of place in this text, I had replaced it with voluntarily partaking considering that a present participle is more warranted in this case.

You can apply these techniques all throughout your essay.
Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / IELTS 2: Whether children should be taught to distinguish right and wrong. [3]

You should be more clear with your language and usage of words. Avoid constructing sentences that lead to follow-up questions. When you're rereading your essay, ensure that you are able to discern what you are saying. It always helps when you provide a summation of what you ought to tackle before you go into the in-depth details. Your first paragraph, for instance, was quite unclear with where it wants to go. Remember that this first paragraph is supposed to teach the readers what the direction of the rest of your essay will be.

I would revise this first paragraph as:
It is vital to teach children how to distinguish between right and wrong at an early age. This can come hand in hand with carrying out punishments. However, these should always be constructive to teach them lessons. If not, these could potentially damage the child's growth.

In terms of the content of the arguments of your essay, it would be a great addition if you could expound more on why your proposed method of approaching this situation is better than simply giving out harsh punishments. It is great that you were descriptive with what you wanted to happen in the case that a child would need to be punished; however, it would be beneficial if you could explain why this method is best out of all the others that are present. You should also be more specific when it comes to tackling children. You could, for instance, discuss a specific age range wherein this method works best because there are instances wherein a child is too young to comprehend said situations. Being more specific can help you have more in-depth content that will elevate your writing.

Apart from that, I think that you should as well focus more on creating more straightforward texts. Avoid being redundant with your language whenever you repeatedly make mention of the same concepts throughout your text. If you can do this, you can create better alternatives that will sharpen your writing skills.

Best of luck.

Scholarship / Planning career as a lecturer. Australia Awards Scholarship 2019/2020 - Supporting Statement [3]

While the introduction is great, I suggest that you focus more on what is certainly asked for in the essay given that you are working with little word count. When you have such limitations imposed on your writing, it would always be helpful to minimize the texts that are unrelated to your actual topic especially because you are not specifically asked to do so and do not have the luxury to do it. For instance, your first three sentences were unrelated to air pollution and should instead be located in your personal statementrather than your study plan(if there is one separate).

For instance, I would revise your first paragraph as:
As a member of the academia in Diponegoro University, I am interested in air pollution control. I have noticed the urgency to focus on the issue because of the health risks that accompany its persistence. We can take a look at the case of Indonesia.

This is a more straightforward approach that will eliminate the unnecessary portions. Instead, it introduces your topic of interest earlier.
I would also recommend adding more detail to your last paragraph. Discuss more how your specialization in the future can contribute to your university. Does this help with things like developing the curriculum that you have right now? Does this help when it comes to helping potential students who are also interested in the field? Be as detailed and as bold as possible.

Scholarship / A piece of conventional wisdom that you have come to doubt. [2]

I firstly suggest that you divide your essay into three particular points. Not unless you were told to specifically do this formatting of a single paragraph, then you should always ensure that you follow the fundamental format (introduction, body, conclusion) to reach the minimum requirement.

I could perhaps suggest the following paragraph delineations:
1. Tackle the idea of how money cannot buy happiness and where this idea first came from
2. Discuss your counter-arguments regarding the usage of money
You could perhaps start with these lines that you have:
Money itself is not "bad", neither is it "good", it all depends on how we use such money. We are the ones who made the rules and we are the ones who made money "bad".

3. Lay out your concluding remarks and a personal opinion statement regarding it
Having a structured composition for your essay can help with the flow of your thoughts. This will de-clutter your essay to ensure that your point is delivered clearly.

I would also recommend that you try to utilize more simpler structures for your essay. This can also help you have more hold over the direction of your phrasing. Doing this can also help you avoid small mistakes that can tamper on the quality of your essay.

For instance, I would revise this line "We should instead question [...]" as:
We should question the inequality in our social hierarchy when it comes to the gap between the rich and the poor.
Using descriptive words like inequality would be indicative already of all the phrasing you had mentioned regarding people climbing up their social status. Notice how this packaging makes it easier for you demonstrate your thoughts than needing to use heavier lines. You should apply this technique of writing all throughout your essay.

Best of luck.

Writing Feedback / Employment of youngsters would benefit both the individual teenager and society as a whole [2]

Are you working with a maximum word count? This can significantly change my perception of the entirety of the essay considering its current length and content. Regardless, I would say that what is lacking from your essay is primarily more in-depth discussions on your points.

I'll provide you with a couple of questions that can help guide you.
1. What specific social skills do you believe should be prioritized for teenagers? Do you believe that this is the age that should focus on honing these skills?

2. Even if the work to be done is not full-time, would you still not recommend it for teenagers?
3. What are the other mental and emotional risks involved with this voluntary work? Will this not help teenagers become better in stress management for the reduction of future risks?

4. What are these other options for the youth to make money?
5. What are the comparative long-term versus short-term results of this proposal?
You should as well expound more on the your concluding remarks. How do you propose that the community should encourage the youth to build their network through a better social environment? What would you implement to help in this task?

You should always focus on balancing your arguments to make sure that the essay follows through with its potential.
Best of luck.

Undergraduate / Compare and Evaluate between IKEA and Apple [2]

I would suggest that to avoid making mistakes, you should always opt for a simpler format for your sentences. The more complex your sentence is, the higher the tendency will be for you to commit mistakes. Having said that, I would recommend that you apply this thought process to the entirety of your essay.

For instance, let's take a look at your first paragraph. I would easily revise the first sentence as:
A business model called Corporate Social Responsibility (CSR) motivates companies to be socially accountable and is generally accepted by an increasing amount of multinational companies.

Notice how I had removed how it is accountable to itself and the public because you already have the term "socially" which is indicative of its societal scope. Knowing how to omit these types of words can help you optimize the space that you have for your essay. You can use this technique all throughout.

There is also no need for you to introduce the acronyms for IKEA and Apple. A general rule of thumb is that if these terms are easily known (recognizable brands, for instance), then it wouldn't be necessary to introduce them. Introduction of acronyms are usually used for terminologies that are niche-specific and therefore are not known by the general public. If these terms are easy to recognize, you can opt to remove it to save space in your essay.

I would also suggest that you try to remove redundant words from your essay. What I mean by this is if you should stray away from continuously repeating the company's name in a single paragraph. What you can do instead is use fillers or perhaps use a general noun in reference to it. This can help streamline your essay to appear more professional.

Try revising your last paragraph as well. You can, for instance, remove the for instance in the paragraph because you were already providing an overall summation in your text. This will help de-clutter your essay's overall structure.

Best of luck.

Undergraduate / AAS Supporting Statement - data analyst course. [2]

I would opt that you try to not be repetitive with your usage of words. When you find yourself in a rut for constantly using the same words, you can easily be more creative. Open up your thesaurus and dictionary. This is important especially if you want to build up a specific tone or language for the entirety of your essay.

Make concise your language. Ensure that you are using inserting the right punctuation in the right portions of the text. Ensure that you set the right tone of language, especially given that you are attempting to create a statement that will convince the evaluators that you need this course as a foundation for your career. Avoid trying to make vague personal statements. Instead, I would recommend that you opt for a tone of language that is decisive.

Remember that there is a difference between:
With statistical skill that I got from my undergraduate experiences, I believe that this course would be a happy place to learn and the right place to develop.

In comparison to something that is like:
My statistical competencies from undergraduate would beeven more honed with the learning of the course.
Notice how the latter appears to be more goal-oriented and is full of certainty that the course will help you develop your skills. The former, on the other hand, is quite uncertain. If you can create bold proclamations, this can help you better the structure of your essay.

Best of luck.