The last sentence is too complex and some words are really uncommon. It should be simpler and to the point - many teachers read the first and the last paragraph only ;)
In general, you'd probably have to organize your thoughts. You focus on too many things; every sentence has a new idea. Better to finish one thought in one paragraph rather than senctence.
Check out your commas (they should be separated by a space). 'Phsche' - no such word. Besides, you may not complain about the traffic distance - you knew where the show was going to take place before you bought the ticket..
Also, it's a little to emotional - if you want to study computer science you should show you can think logically and use your mind rather than emotion.
People in big cities are seriously endangered because of the polluted air. They may suffer from many deceases such as asthma and bronchitis.
That's true, but why so many people want to live in big cities? That's their choice and if they want not to have asthma there are plenty of places to live outside big cities.
I'd start with library resources, like your student library or Questia. That currently too many students cannot find jobs (due to the fact most jobs are shipped overseas, including white collar jobs). In general, you could compare the situation to China where more and more graduates immigrate to because they can find a good job much quicker than in the US.
Very good indeed. One small suggestion - maybe it would be nice to make the phrases like: 'A short pause, and then..' in italic font - it would create mystery ;)
To be more objective, I think you need to discuss the issue of steroids in sports. The problem is that many young athletes have no choice but to take steroids because other athletes take them already..
To sum up, I think the most important thing that should be changed about my school is its poor budget management.
You should expand/research about who manages the school's budget? It seems that the teachers have a great role.. so it may not be possible to improve budget unless teachers go back to teaching, not managing budgets.
The thing is, marijuana is already used for medical purposes. If your doctor thinks you need marijuana - he/she will prescribe it to you without problems. However, if you think everybody could buy marijuana like a pack of a cigarettes - it's hard to agree with that. Imagine how many more car accidents and crimes there would be just becuase someone got addicted to and cannot help but get more of the drug..
I think many of your sentences are too long and complex. And you use the words like: 'consequently,' 'to conclude,', 'not to mention,' 'as a matter of fact,' 'more interestingly,' etc. too much..
You're right - in general the extensive studies have shown that marichuana kills brain cells / IQ. That means - the smoker appears to be happy/relaxed in the long term because he doesn't perceive the world as a 'normal' human would. In other words, his/her perception of the world is distorted. It's probably more dangerious to young people than smoking (smoking kills lungs; marichuana kills soul).
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