Undergraduate / "My step grandmother died of type 1 diabetes" - Common App essay Topic 2. [4]

Not to be rude, but the common rule of thumb is to avoid talking about the death of a relative, especially a distant one like your step-grandmother. It is just too common. Please rewrite. I understand that you spent a lot of time on this essay, but no colleges are going to be impressed by the classic "I want to be a doctor because my _____ died of cancer". I know I sound harsh, but trust me - it is for your own good.

Undergraduate / "The road to college as a psychologist" - stanford essay: why a good fit [12]

Only one sentence of your essay makes sense in context: "[Stanford] is ranked number one in the major of psychology." You kept mentioning that you want to return to California. However, you have to realize that there are thousands of colleges in California, so why are you choosing Stanford, and not... Cal Poly? Please please please focus on Stanford and only Stanford. If you were to remove the sentence I mentioned above, this essay can fit for every single college in the state of California. I know I sound harsh but that's the reality when you apply to competitive colleges like Stanford. I sincerely hope that you take my advice because they will really help you.

Undergraduate / Stanford Roomate Supps: Want to go eat? [8]

This is a nice essay because your introduction will catch people's attention with the question "Want to go eat?" And that's the theme you chose to stick with through the rest of your essay. A reader can easily get a picture of who you are from reading this.

One thing to work on is your word count: Stanford recommends less than 250 words this year, so try to keep it under that limit.

Undergraduate / Common App - Dear Mom and Dad, DECA campaign [8]

I agree with the others in that it is creative. However, I seriously doubt that you "grew up in two days". It is just not very realistic. So I recommend that you change the wording there.

Also, it sounds like you're giving an excuse about your bad grades towards the end of your essay. Don't do that.

All in all, good work.

Undergraduate / Mathematics and technology: University of Illinois Essay (Academics/Goals) [6]

Whatever you do... please do not say "I want to go to a school because it is highly ranked." It might hurt your argument and make you seem shallow. Although honesty, from the content of the essay, I think you can get in.

Undergraduate / "Growing up with Chinese parents, now college" -My Common App Essay [10]

Sorry to be blunt, but if you write this on your common app, no colleges will accept you. It is the classic "I failed high school but I will do better in college". 99% of the time, this is not true, and colleges know that. Rather, I recommend you talk about how your chinese heritage made you who you are and why you are proud of it. That would be a much more powerful essay. If you were a college admission officer, would you accept someone who considers themselves "rebellious, stubborn, and lazy"?

Undergraduate / "the Renaissance woman" - WHY BROWN - Short Answer [11]

Wow this is an amazing essay. You can make it even stronger by adding some specific's about Brown's programs and what makes it special.

Undergraduate / Chalk Handprints - UPenn Supplemental Essay [9]

Why do you have to mention that the girl is African American? I don't think you should bring race into this essay - it adds tension to an essay that is otherwise pretty relaxed and well-written.

Undergraduate / MIT - Computers: Department that interests you the most (100 words) [6]

Definitely add more substance - there's too much "fluff" right now.

Undergraduate / "The results for HIV are positive" - Issue of importance essay [5]

I love the idea behind this essay. The first anecdote was very powerful.

With that said, I think you should focus much more on why this issue is important to you. You only touched upon it briefly in the last paragraph. The following is unnecessary since the admission officers want to hear about you : "This is an important issue to me, as it should be to you "

Normally, this kind of topic is very risky to write. But if you polish it a bit more and bring more of your own experience into it, it can be a very touching essay. Best of luck.

Undergraduate / The name recognition, the diversity, the location, or the weather - Why Stanford [6]

Keep in mind that you don't go to a university for its "spirit". If you say that, admission officers will get the false premise that you are a "party person". You go their for its academics, as clinché as it sounds, it's true. That said, you can rephrase your essay to include "spirit for higher learning". That might be an interesting topic to focus on. Good luck.

Undergraduate / "Growing up with Chinese parents, now college" -My Common App Essay [10]

I think what we are all trying to say is... instead of trying to make excuses for why you didn't do as well in high school, why not focus on something that you are good at? Maybe you're a passionate swimmer, or pianist, or a professional paddleball player. This is the time to reveal that! Make your essay unique, make it stand out fro the crowd. If you read your own essay right, do you think it will stand out along with the thousands of other essays? If it doesn't, they it's not doing its job.

So please please please... don't focus on what you didn't do, but on what you did do. Hope that helps.

Undergraduate / "A Mug of Bliss" - Yale supplement essay help, should I submit this? [9]

Definitely reveals a lot about your personality and who you are. I would say go for it.

Undergraduate / "been surrounded by nature" - Yale - significant experience that shaped your outlook [5]

I completely agree with deenz - show not tell! "getting into the boat proved to be a challenge at first". Use an example rather than just coming out and saying it!

I also, I recommend you cutting right into the action - no need to for the "living in British Columbia" fluff. Spend more time on how the experienced shaped your outlook.

Overall, I think you're on the right track. But the essay is too shallow - as I read it, I keep hoping for more, but it never came. Things like "my problems always seem smaller on the way back" and "it is often the simple and the small that can bring a person the greatest satisfaction" are still too shallow. Anyone can write that. You have to do something that make you stand out! Connect it to the things that you do. What problems are smaller? What is the "greatest satisfaction" that you elude to? A good applicant mentions those. A great applicant explains them.

Undergraduate / "Almost unable to return home" Stanford essay... Why Stanford? [7]

"Moreover, I will not waste my time discussing Stanford's academic prestige as the world is more than aware of the university's standing."

I believe you just wasted 22 precious words that you could've spent talking about Stanford's specific academic programs, which you barely mentioned. Good luck.

Undergraduate / "hope you like having fun" -a note to future roommate -- Stanford supplemental essay [4]

Ask yourself this question: Is this essay better than the 93% of the other roommate essays? The answer is no: Anyone can write this.

Write about something that noone else can - that is the only way to stand out. That does not include running, the weather, studying, drawing, etc etc etc.

Just for an example, one Stanford student write about how everything in her room is green, and how that represents her personality. That is definitely more interesting than saying: "I like calculus or physicist jokes". You don't want to seem shallow here. Good luck.

Undergraduate / "I am an anticarcinogen" - MIT undergrad [14]

Your 3rd paragraph is completely wrong - MIT will automatically reject you if you say "I suppose this is partly a side effect of my inability to handle serious situations". Rather, you should spend this paragraph saying the opposite: "I also have the ability to handle serious situations." But since that is obviously not you, I would not write about this topic.

Do you have anything you are proud of that isn't so common that it's mentioned in the question? If so, definitely write about that instead.

Undergraduate / "the rapidly changing field of science" -My University of Illinois Admission Essay #1 [4]

I like your last 2 paragraphs! But I'm not seeing how the first paragraph is connected with the rest of your essay. What does computer have to do with psychology and your desire to be a neurosurgeon? Make a stronger connection and the essay will turn from good to great. Good luck.

Undergraduate / True Diversity = Something I Myself Do Not Have; Yale Supplement [5]

Completely agree with Nisha here. This will definitely not help you for Yale.

Undergraduate / There are 2 types of people in the world...What are they? UChicago supplement. [9]

There are 2 types of people in the world... which type are you?! You went through the entire essay without telling us which side you are on. I think that defeats the whole purpose of the essay. So add a personal connection to the story that you are telling and it will become ten times better.

Undergraduate / "The necessary knowledge and research" - Why Yale plus short answers. [5]

But why Yale? Schools like MIT & Berkeley also have a great EE program where you can work in electronics, microelectronics, and nanotechnologies. What's so special about Yale?

Undergraduate / JHU essay. Why major in Biomedical Engineering [6]

If you want me to be truly harsh, I would say... rewrite the whole thing. I will explain why: the first half of the essay about Liu Wei does not reveal anything about you. Unless you are Liu Wei himself, it is a waste of 150 words. Instead, talk about how this experienced affected YOU, and WHY that experience made you want to study BME. Also, you have not mentioned anything unique about JHU's BME program - why not choose BME at Duke? Or UPenn? Please give specifics - that's what they are looking for. So overall, I think this needs some work. But you still have time!

Undergraduate / "my mother nicknamed me Rosebud" - yale supplement [4]

Love it! I really feel myself connecting to it, as we all have our own "special place" that we often go to.

With that being said, I don't really understand your last paragraph. It seemed to jump into a completely different topic. I think it would be a lot better if you mentioned your mother at the beginning rather than at the end. Because I want to find out more, but the story ended before I can read on. Keep working on it!

Undergraduate / "Trip from China to LA" - Extracurricular Essay for UIUC [4]

I think the essay will be stronger if you focused on ONE specific event. Write it in great detail and explain what you learned from it.

Also, I recommend you showing the essay to your English teacher and have him/her make some edits.

Good luck.

Undergraduate / JHU essay. Why major in Biomedical Engineering [6]

It is implied. Just an FYI, that's how they weed out applicants. Those who mentions specifics are favored.

Undergraduate / "I have obsessive compulsive disorder" - Stanford Roomate Essay [6]

I agree with Stephanie - painting yourself as a "weird genius at school" is not something that Stanford wants. They want "normal" geniuses.

Undergraduate / UIUC Essay 1: Academic Interests/Professional Goals - appropriate approach? [6]

For Essay 1, focus on one thing. You can always write about your passion for linguistics for Essay 2.

Undergraduate / "to open up many doors of opportunity for me" - Columbia Why essay [4]

You need to be more specific. If you replace "Columbia University" with "New York University", everything will still work (as long as you don't say Ivy League).

My point is... you have to mention specific programs at Columbia that appeal to you. For example, if you're interested in music or drama, you have to mention the Julliard Exchange. Columbia is the only school in the world with this kind of program, so this certainly adds to the degree of specificness that this type of essay needs. Good luck.

Undergraduate / "To do math, to continue my research" - describe course of study UPenn Supplement [3]

Umm... that is not the prompt. The correct prompt is: "Considering both the specific undergraduate school or program to which you are applying and the broader University of Pennsylvania community, what academic, research, and/or extracurricular paths do you see yourself exploring at Penn?"

And you have to be much more specific. Plenty of schools can offer what you just explained. Why UPenn in particular? Use names of specific programs.

Undergraduate / "moved from Cambodia to the United States" - UC Prompt [3]

It's good. You should change "like" to "love" in the first sentence.

How about something along the lines of... "My transformation from F's to A's and ELD to the Academic Decathlon is not over"?

Undergraduate / Science Research -- Common App Activity [3]

Haha I knew you were from Palos Verdes after your second sentence - it is a very unique program.

With that being said... you should not compromise your essay by saying things like "even though part of my hypothesis was invalidated" or "I adhered strictly to the scientific principles". Remember... the best discoveries came from unorthodox procedures!

Undergraduate / Sincerity - MIT Attribute of Your Personality Essay Prompt - Editing [5]

This is WAYY to complicated. This is supposed to be where you can let your personality shine, not inundate others in a myriad of sophisticated verbiage (see what I just did? haha I'm so clever). Anyways, you have to talk more about YOU and less about the name of books you like. The most effective essays say something simple, but reveal something deep about the author. For example, you sound like you have a passion for literature. Say that! Don't wander around the topic because you only have 250 words - you don't want to bore the reader. Anyways, this is just my advice. Good luck.

Undergraduate / "Post 9/11 backlash violence" Local/national concern admissions essay [8]

You were less than 10 when this happened. Please don't make up stuff and say "I held back my tears". I personally don't recommend using 9/11 as a starting off point - there are people who were actually there on that day and wrote much more emotional essays.

Instead, you could start off with something like: "As an Indian-American, I am forever bound to the hyphen." (don't use that exactly, since it's already be used successfully to Stanford.) It just starts off PERSONAL, and I am immediately enthralled to it - do you see where I am going? I doubt it's 9/11 itself that has effected you, but what occurred AFTER. So please respect those who lost their loved ones on that day and choose a different beginning, a more personal beginning.

Undergraduate / "I have no clue who I am" - Admission Essay Topic of Choice [6]

Too general - focus on one specific aspect of your life that offers us a glimpse of who you are. Don't talk about 200 different things and generalize it and say "all of that makes me who I am". It's usually not very effective because the reader will have no lasting impressions.

Undergraduate / ENGINEERING... follow in my father's footsteps - YALE [7]

I just have to say... Kaiser did a wonderful job of editing your essay. He pointed out the most glaring flaw in your essay: if you were to replace Yale with any other university, it would still work. So definitely follow his advice!

Undergraduate / "no pains, no gains" - from Taiwan to America; "my world" - rough draft [3]

I think it would be more beneficial for you to show this to your English teacher and ask him/her to make some corrections. Good luck!

Undergraduate / "My grandma" (world I come from) + "Mind games" (personal quality/talent) [3]

Your UC1 is pretty good. However, your UC2 is too much story and very little "you". It also falls under the "Big Game" topic, which is so common that anything resembling it becomes hackneyed. Yours was not really an exception, so I seriously encourage you to write a new essay or put a different spin on it. As a reader, when I first began reading the essay, I thought: "Let me guess... she is losing the game, then an epiphany occured, and she won the game. Thus, she learned a lot about herself." And guess what? That's exactly what happened. It's not a very good essay if I can predict what will happen the moment I read your first sentence.

Anyways, best of luck.

Undergraduate / Influenced by drugs and now I'm applying to a UC [5]

Please please please don't talk about this:

"Because of my parents absence, one night, I was introduced to alcohol by my "friends." That night I discovered how quickly alcohol allowed me to break free from the excruciating pain that was burning inside me.

A few weeks after my first date with alcohol, I began smoking marijuana. At first, I was only consuming it a few times a month, eventually it became twice a week. By the beginning of my sophomore year I was consuming the drug daily, until eventually it was scheduled twice into my day. I was convinced that this drug was the only way to numb the agonizing depression that was overpowering me. Ironically, I woke up the next morning with the same pain in my chest."

Find some other way to describe your pain and how you dealt with it. But don't talk about drugs and alcohol - it will be an automatic reject even if you said you overcame it. Good luck.

Undergraduate / MUN or Travelling experience - Why Columbia? - Which version is better? [4]

Both are very nice written, so you can't go wrong with either one. I would go with the 2nd one because it is a bit more specific, since you mentioned meeting a former student of Columbia. To make the essay even better, you should incorporate even more details about Columbia and why it's the right place for you (e.g. academic programs). Good luck!

Undergraduate / Columbia is cool, teaches, and aids foreigners - in 1500 letters [11]

If it's humor... it's not funny. I would remove all of the "humor" and get to the point. Your essay sounds very childish.

And FYI, Columbia is not need-blind, so you will have /very/ tough competition for the few financial aid packages. Good luck.