Undergraduate / Merging both medicine and business; doctor - person you dream of becoming - Syracuse Supp [4]

I dream of being a person that helps to shape the future of health care by merging both medicine and business.

This is my suggestion;
My dream is to become someone who has the ability to reshape the future of healthcare using a merged approach of both medicine and business.

Becoming a doctor has always been my passion but I realized that something needs to be done about theimproving the healthcare system.

These patientsPatients whothat have been rushed to the hospital afteras a result of their negligence overneglecting their health issues for years are forced to pay much more than they would have if they had tended totook good care of their well-being sooner.health.

Writing Feedback / Parents teach their children the most important and necessary things; they are the best teachers. [3]


You need to improve the presentation of this sentence. There's lots of redundancy I find there :( This is what I suggest;
Everybody finds many teachers in different phases in life.
When a small child starts growing, his first teachers, his parents, help him learn how to walk.
They define your character in the society.
Focus more on the main idea and try to avoid repetition of ideas.

Writing Feedback / variety is the spice of life - making life worthwhile [4]


Change helps us get rid of the feeling of monotonous and keeps our lives challenged with new beginnings.
forFor example, in the field of fashion, everybody wants to adopt new fashion trends of fashion and in order to remainupdated different fashion magazines and newspapers are followed.stay updated and trendy.

Similarly inthe field ofas far as theknowledge is concerned, inon every stage in life there is a desire to learn new things.

Writing Feedback / New way of communication can lead to some undesirable results by preventing direct social contact [3]


Why do you say "in writer's point of view"? You are the writer and I wish you expressed yourself more directly;
Such changes, in my view, bring about both positive and negative impacts on our social life.
It is very obvious that you have very good writing skills. However, I wish you express your ideas more directly. Also, it is better if you included specific examples for the reasons you used to support your arguments. Examples are an important aspect of this task :)

Writing Feedback / Toefl: It should be mandatory for every company to substitute their old equipment with new ones. [6]

As many economiceconomies grew, most of environmentsthey also destroyed the environmenthas been destroyed .


Well, I feel you are not introducing the topic adequately. This is what I suggest;
Art is an important aspect of our lives and so does our environment. A company which is ready to spend money on either supporting art forms or protecting environment, needs to select one of the two choices. In my view, although spending money on supporting towards the development of art is a requirement, without a healthy environment it would be a meaningless effort.

Writing Feedback / Ielts: it is necessary that parents should be obliged to protect their offspring by vaccination [6]


This sentence has several issues that include clarity issues and grammar issues. Let's take this part ;


.... are you talking about "children under ten years" or "children who were born ten years ago" ?
Clarity should have first priority in writing. Make sure your ideas are delivered clearly to the reader.


This sentence is too very long... The reader does not want to memorize so many details in a sentence to get your idea. So, it is better you write shorter sentences.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Athletes are very magnificent and important role models for people in their young ages. [4]


This is a poor beggining :( You should begin your essay with a catchy sentence that is meaningful and relevant to your topic.
My suggestion;
Nowadays, there are many professional athletes who have become the role models for young people.


Well, it is better you come up with such arguments first. I mean, you should open your body para with such argument and then support that with a specific example. That helps you convince your reader better.

Writing Feedback / Bad memories leaves scars in the heart. [4]

Bad memories leavesleave scars in the heart.
Learning from the past have never been a good idea to enlightenmentenlighten philosophers who removed all the old memories of the past ( "old memories" and "past" - sound redundant) which include biasisbiased (no comma) misconceptions and prejudges.

Elie Wiesel, an American-Jewish suffered heavily throughtthroughout the Holocaust.

Writing Feedback / Does a person's character determine that person's success in life ? [3]

He leadled the American nation to prosperity and happiness after suffering from provertypoverty and unemployement .unemployment.


.... The first part disturbs the flow of your idea .... I think you should rephrase this line.
No one also can deny that only self-reliant and iron-will are the two characterscharacteristics that makemade Thomas Alpha Edison asto be one of the greatest scientists of all time.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: The Face-to-Face communication makes it easy to understand emotion senses. [5]

AsWith the rapid development of technology, many communication tools makehave made it easyeasier for us to communicate with others.each other.
To begin, Face-to-Face communication is the best way to figure outstrengthenthe interpersonal relationships. People can use their hands and eyes to strengthen talkingexpress their emotions effectively towith others.


... this sentence has lots of grammar errors. You need to pay more attention to grammar. Do not lengthen your sentences as such sentences may get you carried away.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Regulation regarding advertisements' unnecessary impact on people's lives [5]


.... well, I feel the word 'advert" is too informal :(
Advertisements dominate the universe today.
companies make sure that their product advertisements reach out to people (or "reach people") through various communication mediumsmedia (media is the most appropriate usage here which itself is a plural word) such as internet, television, billboards, etc.

Many argue that these advertisements are invaluable with itstheir informative contents, however, it is refuted by some others. Both sides will be critiquedanalysed before a well-reasoned conclusion is found.

Writing Feedback / UK: significant increase in the using of debit cards and a steady rise in the using of credit cards [4]

The graph shows non-cash transactions by method of payment such as debit cards, cheques credit and charge cards in the United Kingdom between from 1991 to 2007.

Ok, this is your introduction. Then how about your Overview? Write an overview which describes the main trends of the graph to give the reader an overall picture about what the graph presents. Do not include any detailed figures or statistics in the overview and limit it to explain the main trends very briefly.

Are you within the required word count for this task? It looks too short for me :(

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: the part-time job can let students experience the real adult life and know more about it [3]


I don't think this is a very good start ... The first sentence of your introduction, ideally a good hook, should be relevant to your topic. This does not contribute to a meaningful entrance to your essay :(


I guess this is what you are trying to say;
If the students need to face societal challenges better, then they should engage in part-time jobs while studying.
The main issue that I find with your writing is the flow of ideas. You need to organize the flow more logically for the reader to find it interesting.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: The earlier ages for learning the second language the better [5]


.... wrong grammar :(
It should be;
every parent / All parents
Nowadays, you can find every parentsparent is looking forward to planning to teach their childrenteaching a foreign language for their childrenatfrom an early ageearly ages.


.... this sentence has lots of grammar mistakes :(
You need to work a lot on your grammar ... My advice for you is to write short and simple sentences until you get a good knack on grammar. Longer the sentence. more the chances for you to make grammar errors :(

Writing Feedback / a Table about proportion of female & male genders in sports [5]


Yes, I agree with milamiller. Without seeing your table, it is quite difficult for us to verify the validity of your statements. Upload the table using the "Attach file(s)" feature in the Message block.

The table provides information about proportion of both genders who took part in sport actingactivitiesduring approximately one month(this is not very clear to me .... without seeing your table, I cannot understand what you mean by this ) in U.K around 2002.


.... this one has some major grammar issues :( ... Upload your table and then we would be able to give you our suggestions :)

Writing Feedback / SAT topic: Is knowledge a benefit or a budern? [3]

Knowledge used to stand a dispensable role in the society due to different levels of classes, and it is even regarded as a burden by most low class people.

... Well, what type of classes? It is not very clear :(
Are you talking about different social classes? ... you better be more specific, otherwise your idea does not get across to the reader clearly :(


Well, I think this sentence needs to be presented with better clarity. Shorter the sentences, more it effect would be. Do not write more complicated lengthy sentences as the reader needs to memorize lots of details to understand the core idea.

Writing Feedback / Virtual learning beneficials [4]

Let see how I can contribute to you :D
Not only the Internet is in urgent need of communities these days,but also it could beleadedlead to demoting reduce the trafficstraffic bythroughthe keeping individuals in their houses.

This is what I suggest;
Not only the Internet is a mandatory requirement of everybody in the modern world, but also it helps reduce traffic jams on roads by promoting people to work from home.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Essay Task 1: 'popularity peak took place in 1980' - Teenage vegeterians [5]


I feel you better pay more focus to describe the trend .... Actually, the popularity has first increased, then declined and again on the rise. That's what you should have said in the overview. However, you should not include details in the overview such as figures, data or statistics.


... Since this is about report writing, you need to adopt a more formal approach.
Overall, a very good attempt. You display good writing skills :)

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Next 20 years - transportation goes ahead and novel version of automobile will be produced. [4]


This idea is not clearly presented as it ends very abruptly. Is this what you meant;
People are able to use commodities only for a short time as new alternatives would soon be found in the market to replace them.


Here you express your view on the issue topic. So, it is good to finish your introduction with this idea. That would give a neat ending to your intro :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: higher education or workplace? Professional knowledge is the most decisive factor. [6]

Pursuing a higerhigher education degree or going straight to workplacestarting to work straight after graduating from highschool seems to be a hard decision. AlthoughtAlthough both choices have their pros and cons, I believe it is important to finish your university or college before getting a profession.starting a carrier.

Pay more attention to spelling as it is also an important aspect of writing :)
On the one hand, the progression from an educated background to a professional success is often shows a linear correlation.
On the other hand, it is argued that only workplace can help students to gain essential experiences and skills that are important to perform their jobs efficientlyfor the jobs.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] - Earlier Technologies vs Recent Technologies [3]


... I agree .... then we can provide you with more meaningful feedbacks :)


.... Impressive start :) ... Great hook :)
Earlier technological innovations initially reached the rich society and slowedthen had a slow move towards themoved to ordinary people.
Modern technologies makes itmake them available to all normal people due to its disinflation trend. ... well, I don't get the logic of the latter part of this sentence. You should have been presented the idea with better clarity.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: World Wide Web has been very beneficial invention for humanity [3]

There are a lot of online shopping websites wherethat allow people canto purchase or buy anything from the comfort of their home.without any hassle of physically being present at the store to buy the goods.

The popularity of such online jobs is increasing very rapidly day by day.
Very good grammar, sentence structures, ideas and presentation of your ideas. Good job ! I think you do not have any issue with going for a great score :)

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Gentle manners vs Material possessions. [7]


Good start :)
A majority of people claim that the qualities such as honor, trust and kindness are not valuableso worthy anymore, as social status and possessions have become an identificationmore important criteria that are used to judge the worthiness of a person.

While I admit that in some societies people are too materialistic, I would argue that the traditional values such assharing and honestyhonor, kindness and trust(align your writing more with the task) have even more impact on a personal worthiness.


Actually, this is your example for the reason that you used to justify your position on the argument. So tell the reason first and then give the example to support that;

It is quite apparent that lifestyle of modern people define their status in society. For example, the brands like "Armani" or "Mercedes" do attach a certain status to one's profile in society.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: 'opportunity to be healthier physically and mentally' - Children are given too much free time [4]

It is considered that (no comma) children would get more leisure hourtime than they need and school work would be more beneficial for them.


You need to improve presentation of this idea, also it is only one section of people hold this view;
Some people, however, believe that children enjoy too much free time than what they really require and this time should be utilized for occupying them with school work.

Sports and hobbies are the most interesting activities that children can do.engage in.

Writing Feedback / [IELTS] A discursive essay on visitors' attitude toward other countries's culture. [3]


You need to redo this line to enhance its effectiveness :(
Tourism contributes largely to a country's economy.


Before this line, tell the background of the issue;
However, due to cultural diversity across the globe, tourism sometimes leads to issues between the hosts and guests.
visitors have chances to experiencedexperience the cultural diversity of the world's civilisation.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL, "Tell the truth" - People need to have some friends who are trustful. [3]


Well, you begin your essay with an example. It is good to introduce your topic to the reader first as the reader does not have any idea about what it is. That's the main objective of an introduction. Introduce the issue to the reader and then express your opinion.

First, I have profound relationship just whitwith people whom I can trust them . One would be able to attract a quite a few people by showing them that how she/he is trustfultrustworthy.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: Some students live in their hometowns, but others in different cities - which do you like? [7]


Well, I think you should have aligned your writing more with what your prompt suggests. Its focus is on the students and not on working people or the reasons for migration.

You need to start your essay with a sentence that is more relevant to your topic and is able to provide a better entrance to your essay.

I think you need to re-do the whole essay again to achieve a better alignment to what your prompt requires.

Writing Feedback / IELTS :Some people think that professional athletes make good role models for young people [5]


... Well, your essay needs a more effective start. Write a more interesting idea that has a better relevance to your topic. Also, your topic is specifically focused on professional athletes who are a small subset of sports stars. I think you should stay aligned with your essay topic more. It is important to impress your reader as you begin your essay :)

This is what I suggest;
Professional athletes are an inspiration to many young people.


Well, professional athletes do not always have to be national heroes. A professional athlete is not necessarily be a guy who has won Olympic medals. He can be a guy who runs for a small sports club. You write well, but keep your writing more aligned with the prompt.

Writing Feedback / Studying in foreign university should be very helpful for everybody who does not afraid difficulties [4]


.... yes, it is much improved now and follow a very good approach too :)
A few suggestions;


.... this sentence has a few issues... it ends abruptly , it does not deliver a clear ideas as to what such experience would help students. Also, there is a grammar correction - Not only goes with but also ... So you need to have two things there in the sentence to show how such experience would help students. This is what I suggest;

Studying abroad would not only help students gain a rich exposure and knowledge in their respective disciplines, but also offer them with important networking opportunities.

Graduate / 'I am a skilled computer programmer and a practitioner' - SOP Software engineering [4]

My passion for Software Engineering developed fromduring my tenure as a System Engineer with Tata Consultancy Services (TCS). A level 5 on both CMMI and P-CMM( I do not follow what you say by this :( .... well, your idea is not flowing nicely with that phrase ), TCS triggered my interest to pursue software engineering and delve further into areas like Requirements Engineering, Software Project Management and Software Prototyping. I long for catalysing the world's evolution to become a high-tech wonderland with my creativity and knowledge in Software development. Therefore, I believe [University Name], the world's leading academy andwith abundant in industry exposure, will be my beset next best step to pursue my ideal.dream.

Writing Feedback / Government should take the responsibility to make appropriate regulation about the dangerous sports [3]


Actually, people engage in a wide range of sports. So, I like if you change this sentence to;
People in engage in an array of sports.


Well, your topic is about dangerous sports activities and you should have focused on that.
However, people are supposed to have the right and freedom to choose sports activities as they like.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: It is more important to use available land for farmland, housing, and industry. [2]


Well, we are not great experts, however, with our experience for all these years we can certainly help you improve your TOEFL writing :)
I think you need to change your approach for answering this task. You have the right set of paragraphs here (Intro, body paras and the conclusion), but you need to change the approach of writing those paras. Follow this;

Introduction - Begin you essay with an interesting hook that can capture the readers attention.It should be interesting, meaningful and relevant idea to your topic. Then introduce the background of the issue to the reader. This is the most important part of your intro and you can do this by paraphrasing your prompt. Then state your opinion very clearly.

Body para 1 - Tell the first reason to justify why you hold that opinion. Then give a specific example to support your reason.
Body para 2 - Second reason and the example
Conclusion- Sum up what you said above and reinstate your opinion.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: In many countries recently young single people have been living far from their parent [6]

I agree with Pahan. You need to stay aligned with your prompt and introduce the background of the issue in its original sense. I feel you should pay attention to what Pahan has suggested.

Perhaps, the major argument that is made in favor of this trend is financial (your sentence stops abruptly here.... you need to be more specific, otherwise the reader would be confused) gains that a student would achieve by such experience.


... you need to attend to this too :)

Writing Feedback / Studying in foreign university should be very helpful for everybody who does not afraid difficulties [4]

In today's world, many young people wish to enter universities to bein hope of being successful in their life and some of them choose foreign universities for the same reason.(introduce the background of the issue to the reader at this point before stating your opinion) I strongly agree that studying abroad has more merits rather than drawbacks. This will be shown by analyzing advantages of an international diploma as well as experience in a foreign language and some disadvantages like separation with a family and difficulties of living abroad.

You need to improve the flow of ideas. It is nicer to conclude your intro with a statement that clearly defines your opinion about the issue.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - historic buildings are precious legacy to human development [2]


"development of modernization"? I really don't get your idea :( You need to open your essay with an impressive hook that can grab the reader's attention towards your writing.

First of all, historic buildings are not safe for people to live in anymore. The framestructure of ancient buildings could becorruptedhave been damaged by various weathers, mice or worms.bad weather conditions and improper maintenance over the years

Graduate / Technology Consulting Summary in CV [2]

I applied for a position withinfor a Technology Consulting role due to the increasing importance of such solutions to modern business infrastructure. The advantage of working in the graduate technology consulting role for me is that I get more opportunities to learn new technologies, keep my knowledge and skills current updated and to make sure my skills will never get obsolete. Working in the London office gives would give me a "window of opportunity" to work with diverse cultures, people of diverse backgrounds and cultures and make use of my language and business skills where I wont feel unappreciated. .... Don't really understand what you mean by this latter part :(

Writing Feedback / TOEFL: 'ancient people lived a natural life' - Now it's easier to maintain health [3]

However, some people even scholars are arguing about ifwhether modern people can maintain a good health easier compared to ancient people. In my submissionview, modern people are muchmore defensive about contracting diseases.

Well, by saying that modern people are more defensive about contracting diseases, you don't answer the question properly. It is about whether maintaining health is easier now or not. You need to express your view on that point.

Writing Feedback / Home is good place to learn a lot, however school is the best place to learn. [8]

Studying at home is beneficial as no one can bother me and (no comma) I canhave more freedom t o work on my ideas and thoughts. But how can i I get to know if my ideas are good or bad? Or, how can i I get to know if they will be beneficial to me or society in any way? This is the other reason I like to study at schoolin a school environment.

Writing Feedback / Some cultures value more the elderly people, while others paid more attention on young generation [5]


Well, country and culture represent two types of groups. It is always better to use the word "culture" when you talk about values :)


Well, I guess your essay expects you to express your view on this issue. (it is always good to include your full essay prompt in your post so that we get a good understanding about what it really requires from you). If so, it is better you conclude your introduction by stating your opinion clearly.

Writing Feedback / IELTS academic task one .. bar chart - coffee and meat consumption [5]

Well, you need to change your current approach for this task. This task is to assess your report writing capabilities. So, you should adopt a more report writing tone for answering this task.