Writing Feedback / My Little 'Buddha' [6]

Like Buddha who even didn't speak a word against the pundit,mM y player did not respondkept calm in response to my unjustified actions but stayed quietjust as Lord Buddha tolerated the furious pundit allowing the pundit to realize that he was wrong . As a result, I soon became aware of my folly. I learnt that to make someone realize his/her mistakes sooner and more effectively, we shouldhadratherbetter stay calm than counterattack or even defendinstead of reacting in haste . HavingaA rguments and confrantations only exacerbates the situation and promotes themay lead towrong beliefsmisunderstandings . But, the silence urges adversary to go through profound thinking and realization which can never be accomplished by arguing.

Undergraduate / what does the concept of a global university mean to you [3]

Great Start. Go ahead, finish and post it to the forum. It would surely be an interesting one for everyone to read.

Undergraduate / "Chinese eat dogs"- a cultural conflict I enoutered, Common App [14]

Hi,

I like the start. Especially the first sentence is very powerful.

I have a few suggestions for you;

On one occasion, I gave made a smallmusical performance of Chinese music for my friends.

If I can acknowledge and accept those differences as part of experiences, I would be able to deal with conflicts of cultures in a more beneficialconstructive manner. ----good point

By examiningexperiencing and embracing a different culture, I also began to understand my own country's culture better.Now I would always consider view those the cultural conflicts I facedencounted as providingsignificantvaluable insights for me .

Writing Feedback / China essay city and country children , discuss [3]

In my family,tT here is a part-time housekeeper who cleans my house 2 to 3 hours a week . ------ A part time housekeeper cannot be considered as a member of the family. It sounds a bit awkward. Also it's better you avoid having numbers in essays. .

She always tells me about her hometown. There is a fact thatAccording to her, many children in her hometown can't afford the education fee . They have toMost of these children abandon schoolit to earn money forin order to supplement their family budget; . Oo n the contrary it is different forcitythe children in the city do not face such problems .

So one way to explain the differences between city and country children is to compare them on significant points. Please follow me!----------These two sentences disturb the flow of your essay. It is already implied that you are going to bring up points to contrast the children of rural areas against those in the city. Therefore I prefer your essay without these sentences.

Scholarship / The Hispanic community is the youngest and fastest growing minorities - academic/career goals. [3]

Unfortunately, the Hispanic group is one of the minorities in the United States that lhas the least number of graduates from high school or college. and Aa s a Hispanic, I play an important rolewish to improve thethis inferior level statistics of researches that put theour communityto be an inferior level . The Hispanics isare a multicultural group that hasconsists of people from different countries, like no other,thus makingmeand I am really proud of my heritage.

The Hispanic communities around the uU nited sS tates are mainly formed by of immigrants, whichwhocome migrated for the purpose of to improveing their lifeliving standards and leadingstyle andhave a better life.

In this country, mostmany immigrants undergoface discrimination and go through enormous hardships to be able to sustain their families because of their legal status orand lack of education. I grew up in an environment that lackedin knowledge, and surrounded by individuals that who had only reached a primary or secondary education.

Undergraduate / "Chinese eat dogs"- a cultural conflict I enoutered, Common App [14]

The first too paragraphs flow beautifully. They are written very well. I too feel that the third and final paras fail to produce the same effect as the first two do.

However, I was actually more disappointed at myself for not answering to these matters.
Ever since then, I started to look for examples in life that would offer insights into these issues.
------For me, the problem starts here. Your points are good but there are some logical issues. You do not specifically mention about any time frame that you encounted these difficulties, but you use "Ever since then". This tends to confuse the reader. Try to replace these two sentences with more effective ones. You can do it 'cause you write very well.

At that moment, I felt a surge of pride and happiness for Chinese culture. But more importantly, I realized the virtue of cultural difference that had perplexed me so long. ---- This is really good. This is the quality of writing that should flow through out your essay.

By examining and embracing a different culture, I also began to understand my own country's culture better. I would always consider the cultural conflicts I faced as providing significant insights.-------- I suddenly feel some clash of ideas here. You say that your exposure to other cultures prompt you to understand your own better. And then you quickly jump to a different idea saying you respect cultural differences since they provide an insight. In my view, It is better that you support your first claim with one more sentence before you come to the second idea. Include a statement ithat can link these two ideas in between the two sentences.

Overall, I can say that you write very well and you have very good points. It's a matter of further improving the quality for it to be a perfect essay. GOOD LUCK!!

Undergraduate / "How could I crush our years of friendship" - Caltech - ethical dillema essay [4]

I feel your answer is very much in line with what the prompt expects. It's a simple story but you have given lot of life to it.

My classmates unanimously, ifand silently, planned to pour our votes on her, for the glory of our class.

I enjoyed reading it. Good luck wity your application!

Undergraduate / "Green Energy" Cornell Engineering Essay. [4]

Hi,
You've written a convincing answer to the prompt.I feel it is quite good. I have a few suggestions for you;

Each individual on this planet has the right to lead a full and properhappy and contented life; this however will not be possible ifunless the world wide use of non-renewable and damaging fuels is stopped.------- I feel the reader can capture your idea better if the part "world wide" is not there.

Why not genetically engineered plants to output the starch made from photosynthesis as heat or chemicals and capture this energy?

We could have forests instead of barren, dangerous, and view spoiling coal mines that ruin the scenic beauty of the locality .

I've always been buffeted by ideas; I just need the direction and education to make them a reality. ------ very strong point. very convincing.

Good Luck with your application!!

Undergraduate / "Life full of hardships to make me mature" - Hawaii Pacific Personal Statement [5]

Hi,

I wish you give some more life to the first para. You have a very inspiring story which can be built into a great theme.My life growing up has never been easy for me------------This sentence sounds a bit queer, especially the part in red;

My life growing upchildhood has never been easy one for me

When I was 3three years old my mother contractedhad a breast cancer and things began to change in my life.------ it's better to use words in essays rather than numbers. Also, in my view, cancer is not a sickness that someone can contract or catch such as influenza or flu. Instead, cancer means growth of dangerous cells inside one's body.

As years passed my mom'shealth became more and more deterioratedstarted becoming weakerand weaker and I was seeing it in personhappened to grow up watching her endless struggle and pain .

Graduate / Essay: MBA your career progress to date. Elaborate on your future goals - feedback [6]

Hi,

I have a few suggestions for you;
Back in 2005 during my engineering final year, sensing my reluctance to face the interview with Impetus, a company not known to many, our head of the Training & Placement cell, Professor Pai, whispered two words that forever changed me forever : "THINK BIG!".

My work at Impetus for the last 4 years has been with a focused on the interactive television domain.

I led a team of 5 people to develop a product which helps in data-optimized media buying for broadcast & cable that has revolutionized media buying in the advertising industry globally.---------I find this sentence is a bit messy ( especially the section in bold letters) and hard to understand your idea. May be because I'm not a communication engineer who does not understand the jargon of your field. However, I prefer if you can re-write this to give a clearer idea to the reader. What do you mean by " media buying"? It confuses me.

Our software products cater to a wider global audience crossing all barsbarriers of language, culture and society and theyrequiresdemand me to think big. While moving rapidly upwardhaving a speedy advancement in my carrier positions at Impetus, I have also been able to developed valuable technical and sales skills.

GOOD LUCK WITH YR APPLICATION!!

Undergraduate / "only few examples of career women" - supplement Mount Holyoke College [3]

Hi,

Coming from a conservative country where there are only few examples of career women as only somehandful ofof the women dare to break the social norms and enter into the so-called man's world, I, being a woman myself, definitely look upon Mount Holyoke as a place where I can learn and mature at the same time.

I find that your first para has very long sentences which tend to disturb your flow of writing. The second para flows smoothly because in that you do not have this problem. Just give some thought to this point. You write well.

Good luck!

Writing Feedback / IELTS essay-unhealthy diet and do not enough exercise [3]

Hi,

Humans health has become atalking point at presentone of the main concerns today .

In order to have a healthy physical conditions people from all over the world face the similar problem that they have unhealthy diet and do not have enough exercise. -------------This sentence is too long and your idea does not flow properly. I guess what you try to say is;

Unhealthy food habits and lack of physical exercises seem to be very common issues that are experienced by the people all around the globe..-------It is important that you give reasons why people have restored to such bad habits; fast lives, stress, media. Then only you can reinforce your idea.

Undergraduate / majoring in the unafraid + Art + seminar on biological illustration- Barnard Transfer [2]

Hi,

I was first made aware oflearned about Barnard College through my application process to its affiliated school, Columbia University, last year. -----Although this sentence is not incorrect, I feel it is better you say it differently without using the same wordings as the prompt does.

Undergraduate / "a large and intimate research institution" - the most appealing about Columbia [4]

Hi,
You write well. I have a few suggestions for you;

Columbia attracts me because thethis university is a large research institution, yetstillwhich also maintains the intimacy of an undergraduate liberal arts environment.

Since the student-faculty ratio is 6:1 and nearly eighty percent of classes offered to undergraduates have fewer than 20 students, Columbia promotes close relationship between students and faculty, allowing undergraduates to reap the benefits of intellectual mentorship.------------This is a very good sentence which ellaborates your interest in finding more about the institution that you are going to study.

The diversity being offered at Columbia matchessuites my expectations of anon undergraduate experience.

Columbia is not only diverse in demographics, as evident in the second largest international student body in the United States, but also in thoughtsviews and ideas .

I alsoThe annual World Leaders Forum would give me the opportunityget to hear policy-makers to speaking about politics in practice through the annual World Leaders Forum .

Good luck with your application!!

Undergraduate / "a large and intimate research institution" - the most appealing about Columbia [4]

Your answer is very direct and clear. So, I dont see anything wrong with your style. However you may add a little bit of personal touch at the beginning to impress the reader. Personally, I believe what is more important are your reasons to the answer than glamour you add to your essay because your case will be evaluated on those points. Also when you have a limitation on word count you cannot waste words. So, I feel your style is fine.

Scholarship / Why do you want to become a CPA? (a passion to be a business professional) [2]

Hi,

I have always had the passion to be a business professional. I have decided to major in accounting to get a career path in auditing. --------------good start

The CPA profession gives meAs a CPA I would have the power to put an end to white collar crime.

Through the tighter regulations by the Security Exchange Commission and the integrity and honesty of a CPA I believe this can be achieved.----------------It's better you explain more about how this can be achieved. I got a bit confused when I read this sentence for the first time. I prefer that you explain what roll you play as a CPA to end this issue. By mentioning the regulator, you may distract the reader's attention on you.

My ultimate goal is to be a Certified Public Accountant and own anto form my own accounting firm. I would love to own a firm that will provide audit, tax and consulting services at an affordable price to the public.

Good Luck with your application!

Letters / MATHEMATICS QUEEN OF SCIENCE- MOTIVATION LETTER [3]

I have always been keen onhad a great passion for mathematics. Mathematical proof was the first point attracted meIts analytical and logical approach had been the main reason why I was so attracted to this subject. "Why?", "Why we do this?"; These were the questions I always asked my self since I was a little child for which werenotI often did not have answersanswered . But in mathematics there were always provided definite answers to my why-questions which satisfied my curiosity. My tendency to challengeThis challenging nature of mine led me to solve new complicated problems. Since there was no bookshop in our town to buy mathematical books, I used to prove the theorems in my textbook which were not proved. My passion for mathematics stimulated me to choose mathematics to study in universitypursue my tertiary education in Mathematics .

Undergraduate / Common App - 'I lived in Shanghai; it wasn't a question of if, but when.' [3]

Hi,
I have a few suggestions for you!

I had formulated a plan to attend UBC in Vancouver to study Museum management; it wasis a great school situated in a beautiful arealocality that not only offered my major but also my Chinese language, Chinese , as well. However,Then I suddenlyencountered the reality of my situation kept me worrying;I was An 18 year old and facing starting college in a new country alonestudying in a foreign country all alone with no family or friends forliving close bymiles . I had never lived alone in my lifeand was none too sure about my career choice , (I think this idea should come later as it clashes with the previous one)andI was pretty dependent; I couldn't even drive. Also I was a bit vague about my futher career path. While I was hesitant about abandoning my plans, when my mother suggested attending ____ for a while

Good Luck with your application!

Undergraduate / "My ambition to becoe a successful medical doctor" - Morgan State [2]

There is need for a young high school leaver to be ambitious to further his/her education through higher school of learning "University". -------------This sentence sounds a bit confusing. I feel your essay would read better without this sentence.

LikeI am no exception to any other ambitious student who looks forward to pursuing a higher education at a reputed university . I am not different ,.aAfter havingcompleted the secondary education successfullycompletion ofmy courseinat one of the reputableed high schools in Nigeria,I started searching formy dream type ofbegan exploring theuniversitiesin order to find one that can help accomplishbecause my ambition isdream ofto studying Medicine in one of the best reputable University in the world . This my essay will explain better the reason why I am requesting for admission into theAs a result, I came to know about Morgan State University ,which I believe is the place where I could make my dream a reality .

Good Luck with your application!!

Graduate / "I found my way in Law school" - Statement of perpose for LLM [5]

Hi,

While I was studying in high school I always wanted to go for a major by which I would been able me to help people and the society. After doing a lot of research and consultingconsultation with my teachers, finally, I found my way in Law school. Since, I was studying mathematics in high school, to study law I had to change my major in college in order to study law . It was a biggreat challenge but I firmly believed that "all things are possible if you believe". Finally, after passing a nationwide exam and alsotogether with an oral exam (like a one day interview)(I feel you dont have to be that descriptive) I got thereceived admission fromto one of the most outstanding universities infor human and social sciences in ... which . This gave me the opportunity to study both bachelor of Law and bachelor of Islamic jurisprudence- which is not possible in any other university in my country.

GOOD LUCK!!

Graduate / "I found my way in Law school" - Statement of perpose for LLM [5]

It is worth to mention that, in ISU I had an exceptionala rare chance to study some additional legal courses in Arabic and English which enabled me tohelped me understand Arabic and English legal text books very well.

However, I believe to be a good lawyer studying theoreticallyI believe that theoretical knowledge alone is not enough to be a good lawyer . Knowing what is going on at the courts and how to practice law in real world cannot be achieved by studying text books only.Practical knowledge and experience also play an important role in this regard . Believing that having work experience is essential for students during university years,This reason induced me to work in an attorney office as an assistant during the third year of my LLB ; although (dont use a comma here) it was veryI struggled hard to attendinhave a balance between my classes from morning to eveningandthen go to work till 9 pm . ThenHowever , due to my talent and competency, through the recommendation of two of the lawyers, whom I worked with, I gotconsidering my skills and commitment, two of the lawyers with whom I worked recommended me for an internship in ...for the following summer with the recommendation of two lawyers with whom I workedand. Thesethis internship exposureexperiencesallowedhelped me to study law in depthmore sufficient and helped me to understand my courses better. Moreover, it made me familiar with all the issues that I would experience in my future workrelated to a career in law . Dealing with all the stuff in the office and communicating with different people, built my communication and managing skill for the future.I also had the opportunity to interact with different people while exposing my self in an office environment which helped me develop my communication and mangerial skills.

Writing Feedback / Live in a big city (more chances, transportation, jobs) [2]

I prefer to live in thea big city because there are advantages in live in a big city (try to avoid repetition) such as chance to find transportation, chance to find a job, and higher quality of education.more job opportunities, quality education and improved transportation facilities etc.

First, the main advantage inof liveing in a big city is transportation. Liveing in a big city has more chance to find a more transportation such as bus, car and train. ------------ when you repeat the same idea again and again, the reader would find it boaring. So, limit your idea to one sentence;

First, one would be able to commute easily in the city since it provides many transportation modes which may often not be available in small towns.

For example, when I decided to go my school I used several transportsation modes such as bus, train, ferry or taxi.

Writing Feedback / Essay : study at home by using technology in the future? [3]

In this essay I want to discuss the difference advantages of between studying at home by using technology and atas opposed to studying at traditional schools.

There aresomeSome students who prefer to study at home useing technology at home when they studywhile others prefer studying at traditional schools .

Writing Feedback / IELTS-should universities accept equal number of males/females or not? [4]

Its a debatable issue whether universities should accept equal number of males and females in equal numbers for theira courses or not.

However, since both genders are equally important, both must be given equal opportunities. -----------------I suggest;
In my personal belief, no one should not be discriminated on the basis of gender difference and therefore both male and female students must be given equal opportunities in their admission to universities.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL - What things a movie tells about its country [5]

A movie is an art form that conveys a plot, or a storyline, through the means of video. ---------I think this sentence needs improvement as it is the opening of your essay. I suggest;

A movie, which is also called a motion picture, is a very advanced form of art that conveys a story with moving images.

As movies are made in a variety ofvarious countries, itthey carriesitself many things about the country that the movie was made inwhere they were made . ------ I suggest;

Film industry is one of the vast industries in the world and therefore movies are made in many countries. As the story unfolds of a motion picture, it tells many things about the country where it was made such as its culture, people, buildings, landscapes etc.

Writing Feedback / GRE Issue: On the value of history [4]

Hi,

My suggestions for your second para;

It is hardunfair to judge whether what happened in thedeclare thatpast events haveis irrelevantno relavance to our daily lives nowtoday . Admittedly, in the aspect of technology, we are livingIt is true that we live in a world of advanced technology where devices such as internet, computers and cell phones etc.which greatly influence the way of our livingmodern lifestyles and makediffer us different from past generations. However, the basic problems such as wars, discrimination and poverty still exist. We are still facing the same issues raised by our ancestors because of the consistency ofthehuman nature and its weeknesses hardly change over time . Therefore, one cannot come to an abrupt conclusion that any piece of history is irrelevant to our daily life.

------------------ There is a saying that "History repeats". Therefore past events and experiences provide invaluable insights into future occurances.

Writing Feedback / Travel broaden the horizon and knowledge; communications between countries [5]

Hi,

In the present ageToday travel has become increasingly popular. Due to the discovery of efficient mediumsmodes of transportation it has become easier and more comfortable for peopleto go to travel distant places. Some people travel for business and some to meet with relatives and friends andwhile some to simply relax. Besides it is generally agreed that travel fosters understanding and bridges the gap between the nationsdifferent cultures .

uU ndoubtedly travel gives an opportunity to learn and understand new cultures by visiting places of interest like churches , art galleries , battlefields (not all travellers are allowed for this type of travelling and it is also very dangerous to travel in such places. I doubt this is in line with your prompt),and history museums first-hand . It also contributes to a personsenhance one's knowledge and prevent them him becoming insular narrow-minded. (I prefer if you say; it also help one to broaden his perspectives) It gives chance to meet local people and to communicate with them to share their experience and make friends with them. tT herefore reducingtravel helps reduce misunderstanding between people belonging to diverse cultures and eliminateall forms of discrimination between the countries people.

Good Luck wity IELTS!!

Undergraduate / "well-prepared to pursue an engineering degree" - Personal statement - Toronto [3]

Hi,

Just a suggestion,
I fell in love with Legos as soon as I sawset my eyes on them in a local toy shop when I was three. I could always build better Lego cities than other kids in kindergarten. Since then, I became interested displayed my interest to learn in learning how things are built and how to improve their functionsality .

Writing Feedback / Universities are centers of growing scientists and produce the science [5]

Hi,
Hope this would help you;Universities are centers of growingthat produce future experts in science, arts and various other fields.scientists and produce the science. ----- universities do not only focus on educating people in different sciences but also accomodate other dicsiplines as well.

SoThereforeit is so necessarytosupplythey should provide an appropriate condition for educating the students that will become the environment for their future scientists that helps students excell in their respective fields.One of the facilities that developed at universities issS ports activities that help improve the study situation for studentsplay an important role in this regard by ensuring students both physical and mental fitness . Also, student s activities inthe attempts made by universities in the direction of sportsfield canwould help increase theirposition of the universitytheir competitiveness among other universities. (a very good point) as a trained athlete center. My reasons for this idea are listed as follow

Writing Feedback / We have not yet learned how to raise children who can help bring about a better society. [4]

These my suggestions;

I agree that the extent of socialization of children determines the desnity of society. However, the speaker asserts that education today, whateverwhether formal or informal, fails to instructe them in this wayaddress this issue , which,in my view, is overstated in my view .

-------- I like if you emphsise the fact that children are the future of any society and therefore every effort on socilizing them should be dealt with extreme care in order to ensure a better tomorow . .

As the future of any society, how children are socialization of children would significantly influencescontribute to the development of society in two aspectsways . Firstly , if the children are socialized, it will be easy for them to survive in the society, which benefits the society as wellas well mannered and law abiding citizens . They willwould also learn thenecessary skills in the process of socialization that would helpeither on jobs or intercourse, thusbuild an efficient societycanrun and survive efficently .

Writing Feedback / IELTS-should teenagers learn all school subjects/focus on one subject [4]

Presently, it is commonly accepted that students have to learn over eight subjects in school. Public retain differing views on whether to teach students all subjects or just focus on one subject. Some parents are satisfied with the full class schedule of their children. While, others claim that studying only one subject is more effective. Before rendering my own opinion, I will explore sides of this topic.

------ in the part in bold you are repeating the same idea over and over again. I suggest;
Students generally learn over eight subjects during their primary and secondary education levels. However people hold different views about this concept and argue that studying the subjects of one's interests is more effective in contrast to learning all subjects . Before coming to any conclusion about the view that I should hold regarding this matter, I wish to explore the pros and cons of both arguments;

The benefits of teaching students different unitssubjectsarecan be easily recognized. In the first place, with some basic knowledge of diverse fields, students would have a better insight and knowledgemore options in choosingto choose specialized areas or jobs in the futurethey intend to pursue after high school which would ensure them a successful futurebecause tT eenagers are still too young and immature and therefore could be carried away when decidingto decide what fields that they are going to dedicateshould pursue in their tertiary education . InSome students point of viewthink that the combination of difficult and easy subjects balances their schoolwork stress and fosters their enthusiasm onin classesrooms . However, still many teenagers cannot enjoy the variation of the curriculum, instead, they feel more stressful with so much homework and exams to be done. Besides, most students regard the extra knowledge is useless and impractical for their future jobs.

you have good ideas. You write well. Good luck!!

Scholarship / "my Math mark, was a surprisingly low" - university scholarship [4]

Hi,

I have had many good and bad experiences within my yearsduring the past , which have shaped and benefited me as a person. MyThese experiences haveinfluenced the development of developed my inner self as a student and helped me to discover what programs I am interested in for my post-secondary educationmy passion for Game Development . I have learned all this and developed my skills and passions by my academic and extracurricular experiences. (I feel that this sentence is not fitting here. You've already said this fact in your previous sentence.)

-------Try to avoid the tendency of repeating the same idea several times. This fact is significant in your second para. Your third para is interesting in which you tell your experience in detail and relate it to your decision of applying to the new course.

GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR APPLICATION!

Writing Feedback / teacher should not talk about their own political view , agree or disagree. [3]

Some of your grammer mistakes;
Nowadays, teachers play ana crucial role in teaching and fulfilling students' lives in schools . In fact ,they can change the future of our current society by teaching students how to be a better citizens toin their communities .Although teachers have a right to teach our children in school and spend almost most of their time with their students , it dosedoes not means that they can manipulate their students' minds by their own points of views towa rds the social and political issues .This is because teachers are human beings and they can have wrong ideas and have biased view that lead to distract students and waste their precoiusious time in schools.

Writing Feedback / Is national curriculum best for students? [4]

To determine the best curriculum for students can be one of the first considerable worksmost important aspectsin nowadaysof modern schools. According to the topic, students should learn the same national curriculum rather than different academic courses assigned by local educational institutions.Although national curriculum areis generally adopted in nowadays schools in China today, people are suspiciousaboutconcerned whether it is the best choice for students. In my point of view, it should allow schools in different areas should be allowedfree to choose the corean apporopriate curriculum for their studentssas well as related materialswhich incorporates the standard courses of national curriculum as well as additional courses that would help enhance student's knowledge base .

Writing Feedback / Groups or Organizations are an important part of people's lives. Are they important? [5]

I did some insertions to your introduction (in bold) . Have a look!Man is a social animal by nature.Therefore I agree that Groups or Organizations are crucialvery important to people's lives because they. Theycan get more association with other colleagues, learn new norms and value for a living and apply all of them to the whole communitycreate opportunities for the people to get connected with each other and build their community and society.

Undergraduate / About accomplishments in the past year (My time in the Marine Corps) [4]

You are an inspiring character. I have a few suggestions for your essay;There are many choices you have to make in life. Sometimes, you don't know where those choices are going towould lead you. In June of 2006, I made such a choice to join the United States Marine Corps. I did not knowhad no idea that this decision would affect my life as much as it did., butHowever , I did knowknew that after my contract was up I was going to attend a university and earn my degree in engineering at the completion ofmy contract . (I think it is good to break here and go into a new para) During my time in the Marine Corps, I worked full time and went on deployments, but I alsomademanaged to save time for my educationstudies as well . For the rest of my life, the 5 years I served in the Marine Corps while continuing my education will be some of the proudest years of my life. (I think this sentence should be the one that you must have at the end)

There were times in my marine corps career that I would go to work, study, do class work, and then just fall asleep. My weekends were no longer free time; they were taken up byoccupied with classeswork and studying. There were certain times wheninstances that I had to put my education on hold while in the Marine CorpstemporarilyWe went out and didsuch as when we had training in certain locations where internet or email was not available. WhenFor example , I was deployed toin Iraq both timestwice and in both instances I also had to put my education on hold. I kept enrolling in classes as soon as I returned from deployments because I knew that this was what I wanted its importance towards achieving my ultimate goal . DuringHoweverallthis , I did notnever let my work performance suffer due to any pressure . It was crucial in the job that I do that I did not become complacent at work (your idea is not clear at this point. Better rephrase it). I worked on aviation life support systems, which was all the lifesaving/emergency gear that our aircrew wore and all the gear installed in the aircraft. IfTherefore, had I became unfocused someone may get seriously hurt or die. I knew very well that I could not afford to make any mistakes or to overlook the mistakes of work done by another Marine. So I continued to excel in my job. I was just as dedicated to work as I was to continuing my educationstudies . At the end, All my hard work and sacrifices did not go unnoticed. I received meritorious promotions, a navy achievement medal, and the nomination for noncommissioned officer of the year. I am really proud that I was able to excel in work and continue my education without having them affect each other of these accomplishments which I had to earn through my sweat and tears in order to avoid compromising my educational goals . (I changed the last sentence a bit )

You write well. These are only suggestions for you. You are a great personality.
Good luck!!

Graduate / Music; not only connect all people in a country but also let "global" be "local" [2]

Music has been beingis played and listened in every corner of the world everyday . It is such an essential part of human life that almost all people everybody in the world musthad listened to music sometime in their life. So, why do we need music? From my point of view, there are three main reasons; music helps people to relax relaxation , feeling release express their feelings, and feeling keep self-controlled .-------- your third reason is very close to the first two. I feel it is better if you could give reasons that are significantly different from each other. For example, music helps people relax, express their feelings effectively and develop fellowship with others that help build communities.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: The Internet has transformed lives and economies but it turning the world ... [9]

It is no doubt that the Internet is increasingly one of the irreplaceable communication meansthe most powerful among all communication modes . It has helpedpP eople who lead very busy lives today to keep in touch with each other through the way the Internet offeringusing its efficient services such as e-mail, face book, twitter etc .

My advice for you is that arrange your ideas well and express them in simple words.

Good Luck!!

Writing Feedback / IELTS Whether new buildings should be built in traditional style? [6]

Whether modern buildings should be replaced by traditional buildings is a frequent topic of discussion when people talk about the government takes responsibilityactionof on protecting a nation's cultural identity. -------- If you try to tell your ideas in short sentences and in direct speech, you would be more comfortable with your flow. For example;

It is the responsibility of the government to protect its nation's cultural heritage and identity. Therefore some people believe that the government should take action to ensure that the new buildings are built in traditional style.

I'd like to compare new buildings with old buildings before presenting my own opinion.-------- With my TOEFL experience, I feel it is better that you declare (or atleast give some hint about ) your stance in the introductory para and give reasons in your next two or three paragraphs to support your stand. Therefore I suggest;

However, in my opinion, a developed city need both traditional and modern buildings and therefore they play complemenory roles in adding value to a city. I wish to reinforce my opinion in the following paragraphs;

The supporters of modern style claim that it is the sign of development which cannot be reversed. First of all, modern buildings provide functions which are not possessed by the traditional buildings are unable to facilitate . For instance, emergency exit and digital subscriber loop inner wall are basic and necessary parts of new buildings, whereas traditional ones cannot have these functions which are the necessities of people in modern life. -------------- A very good point. Tell the reader about their importance --- security

Secondly, modern buildings are more economical than traditional ones in terms of space. New buildings are designed to exploitutilizeeachevery inch of land for a purpose because land is a scarce resourcesare becoming less and limited. , inIn contrast, the old buildings do not make good use of these resourcesare not designed to use floor area very efficiently . And the third Further, modern style keeps the pace with the world. In other words, new buildings represent that local people have opening mindare open minded and ready to accept new cultures.

You have very clever points. Good Luck!!

Writing Feedback / New generation no more read books. Is this complaint true? [4]

New generation does not have time to visit a public library to select a book they required. Magazines, journals, novels are now available inat their finger tips.

Hard copies of books are not required insteadbecause of the availability of electronic media such as CD's, e-books, e-magazines published their soft copies in the internet which are easily accessible.

Hence researches in various fields are easily possible by entering the key words.------Ifeel you better improve this sentence because it lacks clarity and reader gets confused .