Writing Feedback / "parents can not be termed as the best teachers" [3]

From teaching a child, how to walk to how to behave with others in the society , parents undoubtedly play an influential role in a person's initial years. ----------- This sentence sounds a bit queer and does not flow properly (especially the part in red).

Therefore, all that they teach to their children may not be the best.

Writing Feedback / Happiness, tobacco, elderly, child activities, English, population control, immunise [4]

If you would do a survey ofwithnumerousa number of people onto find out what makes them happy, you would get diverse answers.

For instance, eating ice cream may make some people may be happy by eating ice cream whereas some others may percieve it otherwise . On the other hand, this may have no effect to others. Another example,is that listening to loud music is pleasurable to some people, whereas others feel the oppositeit is rediculous .

Writing Feedback / TV makes children passive. Every image and sound is delivered continually. [3]

Inventing TV is one of the man's most important stepsachievementsof the human being on the way leading to a new worldthat enabled him to reach out to the world easily; A person can see every part of the planet where he or she has not ever comegone, A politician can talk toaddress his or her voters in the whole country. We might clearly see many advantages of TV. However, not all of us recognize TV's bad effects, especially its impact on children. In my opinion, I can point out some disadvantages ofTV may impact adversly on children such asfor the children inthey may waste most of their time on watching unproductive programs , passivityhave wrong unhealthy influences and harm to their health.

Writing Feedback / Happiness, tobacco, elderly, child activities, English, population control, immunise [4]

Smoking tobacco like other dangerous drugs should be made illegal. Agree or disagree?

The issue of prohibiting cigarette or tobacco smoking is not a recent one. It has been a common issue for debate for a quite a time now. --------------Both these sentences more or less have the same meaning. Therefore, tell this idea in one strong sentence. ;

Asone of thea non-smokersin the society , my personal viewpoint on this matter is apparently on the side of those people who do not smokeI am not only a non-smoker but also a person who strongly supports the idea of making all forms of smoking illegal due to its many ill effects.

CigarettesS moking iscan cause dangerous consequences to yourone's health. (give some examples to support this argument such as it may cause lung cancers, emphysema, bronchitis, asthma etc).By acknowledging these adverse effects, some countries have prohibited tobacco advertising and sponsorship of sporting events . This government warning is used to be shown in TV ads not long ago but nowadays can be found on cigarette packets .

It has been proven in numerous medical studies that cigarette or tobacco smoking is harmful and damaging to the human body. It is because cigarette contains chemical substances such as nicotine, tar, carbon monoxide, other toxins and carcinogens. These substances are poisonous and in the long run cause cancer in humans. Lung cancer is a very common disease associated with tobacco smoking. Other ailments include cardiovascular diseases, chronic bronchitis, heart attack, tuberculosis and many more. Unfortunately, non-smokers are also affected by these detrimental effects of smoking through secondhand smoke as it poses the same threats as direct smoking.----- as I mentioned earlier this part should come immediately after your claim that smoking is bad for health.

In spite of all the negative effects of smoking, there are still some people who patronize it. Many people who smokesuch supporters claimexclaim that itsmoking is pleasurablegives pleasure and that they feel lessis a powerful tool of relieving stressedafter smoking . Also, some saybelieve that smoking makes them look cool and trendy. --------------- another point; some people argue that smoking bans violate the notion of personal liberty

To summarize, total prohibition of tobacco smoking can only be achieved if governments are ready to face the possibility of a great protest from smokers and tobacco companies more importantly when people stop patronizing it.-------------- I think your summary should go in line with the topic. So I feel you should once again stress your conclusion (smoking should be prohibited completely and made illegal) and tell the reasons for your conclusion in a summarised form.

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] The Cost of Human Development [9]

Therefore, it is my firm belief that focusing on human race`s needs is more urgentimportant .

A good example of that is that Canada`s greatest asset - the natural forests, which are in abundance.

You write so well. I enjoyed reading your essay although I hold a different perception to this issue. You have a very interesting style of writing/ I'm sure you'll have a great score for TOEFL writing. GOOD LUCK!!

Writing Feedback / [TOEFL] A question about teacher`s remuneration [5]

SinceAlthough it may seems fair onat the first glance, after a deeper look it is becomingwhen you think deeper it becomes clear that such a practice could be harmful. It is my firm convictionbelief that the money teachers receive should not be paid according todepend on the learning abilitieslevel of knoweldege acquired byof their students. Let us proceed to examine the reasons.

First, I can remember how in the first grades there werecertain kids in the first grades hadwith obvious learning disabilities. Our teachers gave them unceasingthe best care and attention, even more than the attention other children received, but it was in vain.AlthoughWith all the special attention they received, these kids just did not want to learn, nevertheless all the efforts of the teachers . In this case, I do not believe that the blame is to be found anywhere else teachers should be blamed but in themselves ------------------ In this paragraph I notice that you straight give the example to say why you think teachers should not be paid according to the knowledge they transfer to the children. However, I suggest you to state the reason and then give the example such as;

First, some children have learning disabilities that make them slower in acquiring knowledge. In such events, the teachers would be penalized if they are paid according to their students' performance. For example, I can remember...

Also, at the start you talk of learning disabilities of children. However, at the end it seems like these children were not keen to study. This makes the reader a bit confused as one has no interest in studies cannot be considered as a learning diability.

Writing Feedback / Essay about happiness definition and it's effects - 'a kind of emotional feeling' [5]

Happiness is an essential indicator to reflect how happycontented people feel from their dailyare in lifetheir li ves.------------- Happiness is a mental state of well being and contenment. However, it is hard to find a clear definition of happiness and also to identify its sources because it can mean many things to many people.

But how happiness shouldcan be defined? What brings the happiness to us? I am going to do some exploration and give my opinion .

PerIn my understanding, happiness is a kind of emotional feeling ( happiness is not always an emotional feeling, for example, some people meditate to achieve a peaceful and calm mental state that makes them happy. Such happiness is not due to any emotional feeling) obtained by people when their demands are fulfilledmet or their wills are realizedefforts become meaningful .

But due to the demands and wills are totally different for each individual, the happiness invariably has a different meaning, it's hardly to define generally.-------------- If you break this sentence and shorten its length, your idea would flow better.

Writing Feedback / 'Disease prevention is better than cure' Do you agree or disagree? [5]

Hi,

There is no doubt about the importance ofthat taking preventingve measures to safeguardour health and educating citizens how to become healthier is necessary .

However, governmentsgiveallocate a larger proportion of the budget to health education and preventative measures in contrast to the budget for treatmentmaybe is not reasonable. In my opinion, governments should stillinsist onfocus more on developing the treatment systems.

Graduate / "I will strive to be an effective physician assistant" - SOP Why I want to be a PA [4]

Hi,

These are my suggestions;

Becoming a Healthcare Provider has been amy life long dream thatfor which I have worked really hard to obtain all my life . I feelalways believed that I can best serve my people in the capacity of a Physician Assistant. The passion I have for caring and nurturinghelping out people has reallybeen the main motivatedionand driventhat inspired me tothe point reach my current positionI am in my life. ??? ------- Tell briefly with one sentence what you intend to do in future and break for another para to explain it in detail

AswW e live in times of uncertainty and economic despair.Though it is very disheartening to knowwe have to acknolewdge that there are people who cannot afford proper medical attention. It is quite disturbing knowing that (this part sounds a bit repetitive) Some people have to choseare left with the choice between paying antheir electricity bill or and seeing the a doctor amedical condition . As a PA, I can do my partbest to give backcontribute to thesuch deserving communities that are suffering and the ones that are in a dire needs for Healthcare Providers toreduce their cost to help who could help them reduce medical costs .

Writing Feedback / IELTS Task 2: Modern world make us more dependant or independent [4]

Although some people argued that they are now being more dependent on each other than the previousearlier , I believe that we arehave become more self sufficient then previous in some extent.independent compared our earlier generations .

It is obviouslytrue that our lifeves have now become more complex,expensive . Since the dawn of civilization people have been dependent on each others for certain aspectsvarious reasons where modern world cannot make any changes. (your idea is not clearly conveyed by this sentence. Are you trying to say that the reasons for which early people depended on each other are still there????) For example young people relydepend on their parents for longermany years . Children as well as oldselders are very helpless without the help of their families. Moreover, as humans are replaced by technology in many sectors,causing higher rates of unemployment . job loss rates are high. Other members are now dependent on only earning member of a family. Unemployed people receive state benefitsupport . Hi tech advance technologies are now usingused in health sector but still patients are helpless without health professionals.------------- Your ideas do not flow properly in this para and this confuses the reader. I wish you re-write this again with a better flow and arrangement of your ideas.

Writing Feedback / IELTS Grahp (the pattern of smoking of different sexes) [5]

Hi Aria,

I haven't taken IELTS exam and therefore I have no idea about what they expect from the candidate for task 1. However, I think you have done a good job because you have discussed the trends and patterns of the graph with their inferences. I believe you should pay a little more attention to your vocabulary and if you improve that aspect you can surely go for a very high score.

Writing Feedback / the culture of Thailand and China: Compare and contrast [4]

The first cultural difference between Thailand and China relates to customs. To begin with, both countries are different in relation to festival. Thailand has water-sprinkling festival, which is beginning begins in from the 13rd April and endsinginon the 15th April. People in Thailand sprinkle water toon each other as a part of thisceremonycultural event .The reason why people celebrate water-sprinkling festival is to make themselves cool because the weather in Thailand is always hot and humid.

Graduate / Advantages and disadvantages of portable entertainment devices (MP3, DVD) [6]

Nowadays, products of hi-tech productslike asuch as Mp3 or DVD-players have become to bea parts of the humans' life. In my opinion, these technologies have merits and demerits.

People can use these modern techniques everywhere and at any time because they are portable, compact and may contain a lot of information compared withtoolder versions such as diskets or tape recordingers . For example, we can take Mp3 or DVD-players with us duringthewhile travelling or going to somewhere . And these devices don't claimrequiremoreplacemuch spacethan oldestas required by older portable entertainment devices .

Writing Feedback / TOEFL writing: A new university will be established in the community. Agree or not? [5]

However, while some people may hold the opinion that spending on building thea new university is a waste of money, while others have an opposite attitudeargue that its advantages outweigh theits disadvantages.

To begin with, the establishment of a university in the community provides the residents with an additional place to go during their leisure time. There are many facilities in the campus. They may go to library for reading and go to the gym for exercising. In other words, they can easily spend their pastime in the campus instead of going to the department store and squandering their money.---------- do universities allow anybody (other than their students and staff) to use their facilities freely?? I am not sure.

Writing Feedback / Television has brought positive or negative effects on children behavior. [4]

This essay aims to argueshow that television and media can have a harmful effects on children.

It is argued that there is a strong link between TV violence and childrens' aggressive behavior. According to Matthews and Ellis (1985), 80% of television programs included violence.(inculde a sentence here to connect this research evidance to your point. For example, "These violent and crime scenes can have adverse impacts on young minds...) In addition, it is important that children spend their leisure time in watching TV should be controlled by parents (Knom, 1990). The problem is that cartoons contain thea significant amountportion of violent scenes.

Writing Feedback / should a government focus its budget more on very young children education? [4]

The Government has been more and more concerned with the education issues recently. The object whopoint that whom it should support is now the hottest issue that everyone discusses. Some people believe that the government should make more investments on children. Others, however, disagree with this idea and are convinced that the government must contribute more to the universities. In my opinion, it is better forthat more resources be allocateddistributed to the universities than young children.

First of all, a county's status will be solidifiedstrengthened by the government's sponsor for research in the universities. ------ I think it is better to rearrange this idea such as;

First, success on reseach programs would help build country's image and supports its economic growth and therefore the government should promote universities to have a greater focus on research.

If there are more resources allocated to the universities, then professors in the universities will have moresufficient budgets to spend on their research proposalsprograms .

Writing Feedback / People can have many benefits by deciding to eat at home [5]

Nowadays, when deciding where to eat, some people prefer to go to food stands or restaurants, in order to save time. Whereas other people opt for preparing their own food and eat it at home.------------It's better if you make one sentence from these two sentences such as;

Some people prefer eating at food stands or restaurants that help them save time while others prefer home cooked food.

As for me, I agree with them and indeed, ---------- when you say I agree with them the reader may get confused about what you mean by the word "them". Is it the choices or the set of people? So, try to improve clarity of this sentence;

In my view, eating at home is better than eating from out. I wish to reinforce the reasons why I believe so in the following paragraphs;

First of all, by deciding to eat at home, you are morebetter able to keep yourself in shape. Preparing your meals give you the possibilityopportunity to followconsume a more healthyhealthier diet, since you can choose the ingredients and decide on their quantityiesthat you are going to use for a cake or a pizza.

Writing Feedback / 'cannot apply to all occupations' - IELTS: Not forced to retire at a particular age? [4]

Here are my suggestions;
Considering whether the age should be set up as a criterion for people to retire at 60 or 65 years old, I believe people should be able togiven the option to choose whenever they want to stop their working life. However, it depends on personal situation and occupationalcapabilities and reasons .

We cannot arguedeny that people in elderly age group people have gained an invaluable experience and knowledge in their respective professions . These expertise can be benefit to their teams , work and organizations . Doctors , for instance, take many years to develop their expertise over many years that helpto be able to diagnose their patients' symptoms more precisely. As a consequenceresult , most of the time we find that senior doctors who are in senior level are more confident and effective in diagonising and treating can cure or help their patients quicker thancompared to those who are newly graduatedsor junior doctorsand less experienced . Thus, elderly in some professional careersshould be able to use their expertise and feel being valuedwhere the expertise play a vital role, the retirement age should not be restricted to a particular age. If such professionals have the option of deciding when he or she should retire the society can recieve their services for a longer time for the betterment of all the people.

Writing Feedback / The TOEFL ibt: People who have different interests and personalities cannot be friend [5]

Hi

Many people will consider that if he or she wants to make friends, his or her new friend should have the same interests with him or her. --------- I feel you need to improve clarity of this sentence a bit more as it is the opening of your essay. I suggest;

Many people would like to consider the fact that other people too share their own interests when they want to make new friendships.

This is because they have the same topic to discuss with each other. But even if the new friend does not have the same interestswith him or her , he or she can stillmakebe a good friendswith him or her . There are somefor several other reasons.

Writing Feedback / IELTS: Research findings on characteristics with what we are born [3]

Every person is born with some unique characteristics which differdifferentiate him or her from another individual in one or the other way.e.g. For example, sS ome people are born with leadership skills while some have good critical thinking ability. These characteristics, if polished and worked upon since young age,willwould have a greater influence more on building and developing one's personality.

For e.g. example Ii f a child possesses good diving skills sinceafrom very young age then he has the talent to become a famous diver later on in his adulthood.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL iBT- More important to study mathematics or literature? [4]

Hi,

ManySome people believe that study of history and literature is more important for students than study mathematics and other sciences... "I think the word "some" better justifies your idea".

But I believe that students should learn about both of these fields because asthey need to learnlearning sciences and mathematics is as toimportant as learning history and literature.

Thank to they need spending some time to increase their information about their country or other parts of the world and dealing with literature to feed their soul. ----- This sentence has some issues; grammer, clarity etc. I guess what you want to say is;

History is important for a person to be well informed about what happened in the past that helps him develop a better insight about the world and society while literature plays an important role in developing one's communication and easthetic capabilities.

Writing Feedback / IELTS practice----Long distance flight should be banned or not? [15]

While an increasing number people are having access to air travel, the detrimental effect flight has on the natural environment is drawing some individuals' attention.--------- the link between the two ideas seem to be a bit weak here. I suggest you to say;

While air travel is popular among people as a very convenient, efficient and cost effective mode of transportation, some sections in the society are concerned about its adverse effects on environment.

Because of this, they argue that long distance travel by air trips should be prohibited. ----------I did this change to be in line with your prompt.

However, I believe flightair travel is still an integral part of people's busy lifestyles .

Admittedly, air travel is, to some extent, damaging to the environment. As a modern means of transportation, airplane has adequate space to hold up to 50 passengers, which requires a vast amount of fuel to operate.----- flights have the capacity to accomodate many more than 50 passengers.

As a result, it may cause air pollution to the air after taking off. Besides, creating the source supplying the of energy for planesflights to workfunction is at the expense of depleting natural resources, which is harmful to the ecological balance.

Writing Feedback / Toefl- For future career success, relating well to other people is more important [6]

Being successful in one's career is everyone's dream, because it guarantees an worriless and happy life. --------I find this is a good start except for the part in red. I suggest;

Being successful in one's career is everyone's dream, because it paves the way for a happy and contented life.

However, there are only few people who can achieve this goal while others do not . As a result, how to become successful in the future careerhas raised people'sis a concern of people .

Some people think that they should follow the same pattern ofas others because of a lucky case is right here; though, others believe they should study harder at school, instead.------------ It is not clear what you mean by " same pattern as others". I feel it is better you re-do this sentence.

In my opinion, I would agree more with the lattersecond idea.

First, the success of everyone's career is case by casedependent on each individual . In other words, every individual has his/or her own lifetalents, skills, experience and interest, which differentiate this individual from others . Therefore the path to success offor each person is should be different from another person .

Throughout your essay I notice that you are slightly deviated from what is asked from the prompt. In my understanding, "relating well to other people " talks about how well you can connect with other people, and not imitating others. In other words it ask your opinion on the statement, "how well you network with other people is more important than studying hard at school". So, if you support the idea that hard work at school is more important as opposed to networking with others, you can use some of the following points;

1)In certain professions what you study is more important than the connections you make with people. e.g.; doctors, lawyers, professors etc.
2) Even you network well with others well, if you haven't acquired necessary technical skills which are basic requirements for the job, you still would not be successful in your career.

Writing Feedback / children working at the early ages [8]

Children have recently been encouraged to obtain a part-time jobs which pay themselves wages.There are some people absolutely objectingwho severly object to this idea while others on the rest argue that this issue it will would allow children to acknowledge such worthy things as:gain valuable experience,developlearning skills and their own responsibilitybe more responsible. I myself preferpersonally support the second view that children should be supported to employed work since childhood.

One of the benefits gainingone can gain from starting a job at early age is that it brings in kidsbuildsthe self-confidence and self-reliance of children .As far as I know,schools nowadays have a tendency of teaching students theories and moralitymorals .

Writing Feedback / IELTS practice----Long distance flight should be banned or not? [15]

Hi Jennifer,

I think Kevin has given you good advise on the first sentence with regard to improving its clarity. Look at his suggession!
"While more people have access to air travel nowadays,detrimental effect flight has on the natural environment is drawing some individuals". ---------It clearly explains the importance of air travel by the part first and then it goes on to talk about the adverse effects.

I did the change, flight to air travel, thinking that "air travel" would emphasise your idea better. Because when you say "flight", its meaning just stops at the vessel that carries people, whereas "air travel" gives the impression that people use this mode of transportation.

My comments on your other paras;

Even so, the unique benefits air travel holds, I believe, outweigh its drawbacks. Flight is, doubtless, the most efficient way for people to transfer from one place to another, especially for long distance. For instance, it takes only 2two hours or so from Guangzhou to Beijing while people have to spend 20twenty hours by train for the same distance, which is more time-consuming. In fact, as the pace of life is accelerating, time is increasingly very precious for people in modern society, which means flight is a necessity when people opt for their means of transportation. ------ very good para; very well written.

Additionally, air travel provides a comfortable and enjoyable trip for passengers. As people are availablehave access to exquisite snacks and drinks, stimulating films and beautiful stewardess'swarm services of friendlycabin crew during flightflying , they regard air travel as an enjoymentable and relaxationed experience . As a result, air trips enrich quality of people's life. Without flightair travel , individualspeople would find the long distance trips monotonous, and even miserableexhausting . ------------ Another good para. These changes are my suggestions to improve your essay further.

Your essay is interesting to read. Please consider my comments as suggestions for further improvement. You should get a flying score at IELTS.
Good Luck at IELTS!!

Writing Feedback / IELTS practice----Long distance flight should be banned or not? [15]

Oh! you are a tough guy. I wish if I can explain this difference (the way I feel) in my own language since my English knowledge may not be sufficient for that. ....

Yes.... technically,
a group of individauls = people.
However, I feel the word "people" better fits there because you are making a statement about what would generally happen if air travel is not in existance. So, in this respect the word "people" would add more effect to your generalization than the word "individuals".

This is the way I felt and I wish some forum contributor would comment on this. It would help both of us.

Also, I admire your interest in improving your writing skills. You are an interesting person who would not just accept things blindly. Great! Keep it up!

Writing Feedback / IELTS practice----Long distance flight should be banned or not? [15]

Thanks Kevin. I was awaiting for your comment.

Writing Feedback / Undoubtedly, every mind has many senses, some use it in positive and some in negative way [7]

There is no doubt that both the parts of statement have important role in studying life as well as in usual life. At most of extent i agree with the both ways of given statement. Whenever i agree with the 1st part of the statement, that some people think that a sense of competition that generates in every mind at different levels like in children, it should be encourage. --------------I think it is better if you avoid refering to the parts of the statement such as " 1st part" or "2nd part". This gives an unfriendly or rather abrupt feeling to the reader.

I would suggest;
There is no doubt that both competition and corporation play important roles in the development of children.

he may neglects what his parent has said to him.

Then he works hard and earnsa good position in the class and becomes a successful person.

Then there is an otheranother (no space in between) way in which parents make them encouragedthat isby introducing competition

I think you have to pay more attention to your grammer and vocabulary. I would suggest you to write short sentences , one sentence for one idea, to improve your writing style.

Graduate / An interest in Business and Accounting - My Personal Statement for Business School [3]

When I asked my mom ifwhether accounting was a good major she said, "You can do better than that."

Despite my doubts, I was convinced that I would be able to stand up to the challenge and work hard in order to major in what everyone expected offrom me.

They supported me in anywayevery possible way and gave me everything they couldin their power to help so that at least I could have an opportunity.me succeed in college. My father works overtime six days a week as a mail carrier in order to fund the extracurricular activities likesuch as tennis camp or piano lessons. I am truly grateful for their support that they are giving me in order toenables me to pursue an education that they didn't have a chance to experience.

Writing Feedback / TOEFL:Art museums or recreational facilities? [7]

life style ; lifestyle is one word.

To preserve these art works, and make them accessible to all people is the fundamental obligationprime objective of an art museum.

What the artists depicted in the drawings will pass on directly to the people gazing at it, his emotion, value and his philosophy.I dont get what you try to mean by the part in red. Are you referring to the artists or the people?

Important as educational process is, the museum is less a place to learn about art than a place in which to enjoy it. ----------I find this sentence a bit confusing. Are you trying to say that art museum is not only for you to gain knowledge but also to enjoy?? or something else?

You have good vocabulary as well as good ideas. I think you should pay attention to structure your sentences so that the reader could grasp your idea clearly.

Writing Feedback / Every individual, regardless of his gender should get a chance to study at university level. [2]

Hi,

It is necassary that people get themselves educated to build individual capacity (space) that could make their countries country of opportunity .------------- The end of this sentence seem to confuse the reader. Are you trying to say;

Education is important for the people to build their individual capacity which would create many opportunities for their countries.

Every individual,regardless of their gender should get a chance to study at university levelpursue a tertiary education if they are competent enough and have a desire to do so.(I added the latter part because not everyone is capable of pursuing higher education)

Nowadays, females work side by side with males and they have a right to get an equal opportunity to study with them but in order to be meritorious universities should aceeptaccept students on merit basis rather than keeping a fixed seats of equivalent numbers of male and female students.------------------ this sentence is too long and therefore fails to convey your idea clearly. I give you the following suggestion in which I have added the reason why you think that universities should accept candidates on merit basis;

Nowadays, females work side by side with their male counterparts. Therefore, there is no doubt that they deserve equal opportunities in education. However, the objective of university education is to create scholars with specialized knowledge in their respective diciplines. Therefore if universities accept students on a quota basis in order to have equal gender representation, they may fail to achieve this prime objective due to the fact that students may lack the required capacity or the potential to follow such advanced courses.

Writing Feedback / "What famous place would you you like to visit?" - TOEFL ibt writing [5]

When I was a kid, I dreamed of having a chance to visit France, which is the center of fashion. The most fascinating thing ofabout France is that it is bothscenicpicturesque and ancienthistorically important.,andtT here are also plenty of structures as well as buildings which were constructed long time ago. But what strikes me does not stop at that concept . Another striking part of France is Paris, the capital of France, is one of the world's most strikinga cityiesoffor fashion and style. My sister works as the officer- in- charge of designers for a fashion company. wW hen young, I possessed a basic understanding of fashion as my sister told me a lot of interesting things about Paris along with her career. From that time, she raisedinfluenced the passion offor designing in my mind. , tT hat is why I am into creating new models of clothes designs and wisheslooking forward to visiting my dreamland one day.

Writing Feedback / IETLS-Importance of history and effects if not taught to children [6]

History is losing its significances as many people failed(better tell it in present tense) to understand its benefits. A lotmM any consider history as a module that should be learnt by heart to pass exams and later it is as easily forgottenitwould not have any relevance or use for their lives thereafter. However, history hasplays a pivotal role in moulding law, societies and in the revolution of science, maths and literature. Therefore, this essay will throw some light on the importance of history and the consequences if children at school are not taught history.

Graduate / Statement of Purpose for MS in Computer Engineering in Embedded Systems [4]

Although I enjoyed the work in the industry I soon realized that I have to learn much more in order to pursue my goal. ----------- up to this point you have not said what your goal is to the reader. Better say it in one of your earlier sentences.

I did not proceed directly to post graduate studies after graduating because I wanted to gain some professional industry experience. Iand also wanted to make sure that I had chosen the right subject and the right place before embarking on a course of study that would involve many years of my life.---------I spilt it to two sentences thinking that it would improve clarity.

From industry experience I learned many things that would help me in my post graduate studies.----I believe you are already a graduate and going to apply for a post graduate course. Aren't you?

MS degree --- does it refer to a masters degree?

You write well. I recommend to avoid using abbreviations too much unless you have a constraint on number of words.

Writing Feedback / IELTS - units of electricity production by fuel source in Australia and France [8]

According to the first and the second pie charts, in 1980 in Australia half of all producing electricity was Coal which were 50 units.---------- correct punctuation makes a big difference in what you try to mean. If you dont have that comma, it refers to pie charts in 1980. Also what you say by the part in bold has an issue. Because the second pie chart shows that coal accounts for 130 units which is more than half of the production. I suggest that you should examine the illustration properly and write short and simple sentences. It is very important for this task because this tests your ability to report things clearly and correctly. For example;

According to the first pie chart, coal had been the largest contributor for producing Australia's electricity in 1980. The composition of fuel sources in 1980 had been 50 units of coal, 20 units of nuclear power, 20 units of hydro power and 10 units of oil. The second pie chart shows that Australia has increased its overall electricity production by 70 units in the year 2000, totalling to 170 units of electricity; coal has produced 130 units ; hydro power has produced 36 units; nuclear and oil have produced 4 units. A significant drop in the contribution of nuclear power and oil for the total production of electricity is clearly seen in the year 2000 .

GOOD LUCK with IELTS!!

Writing Feedback / My mother; she was a teacher: an important person [4]

She dedicated all her time,in her efforts to bring me up.

When, ( no comma here) I was young I was frequently falling ill,and my mom had many sleepless nights looking aftertaking care of me.-------- I did some changes to improve the effectiveness of your sentence.

wW hen I think about my mother it comes to my mind the memories of the city's park, where she took me every weekend to play and to seewatch the animals ,and the memories of the beautiful beach of Sousse with its magical sand . We went there to swim,and to build sand castles.I built my castles too close to the shore, once I finished itbuilding them , seesea waves destroyed itthem completely.

Writing Feedback / Better to be self-employed, work for someone else, or own a business? TOEFL [5]

In my experience, the starting point in achieving success is to learn the tricks of the trade. ---- A very good start.

Such a person can either intern or work in a company involved in fashion likesuch as a styling agency for example.

The roadpath to success is not an easy one and is definetly tocan be achieved by starting from the bottom.
Most successful self employed people today have once been at the very bottom ofdown the ladder of success and are the ones who strived hard to be at the top.

I have given you some suggestions thinking they would help improve your essay. But you write so well. If you are going to take up TOEFL, I believe this essay is too short. You need to have more than 250 words, if I'm not mistaken. Pay attention to that and go for a flying score. GOOD LUCK!

Writing Feedback / "main target is education" - attend college or university for many different reasons. [4]

People attend colleges or universities for several reasons. ButHowever , out of all these reasons, their main objective is tomain target isacquire knowledge through education, this educationwhich wouldcan be usedhelp them succeed in lifefor various purposes, as we need .

Inmy opinionpersonally think there are three main reasons for attending the college or university; It is to add educational qualifications, to have new experience and career development.

This is my suggestion for your intro;
People attend college or university for several reasons. However, I personally think that people attend college or university is mainly to acquire new knowledge and skills, gain exposure and prepare for his or her future career.

When we go to getfor a job interview, they asking about our qualifications. Therefore, I personally think, gain ofobtaining paper qualificationsisare the most important thingsduring the study period inthat a student would obtain from college or university. Most of theMany students tryingstrive to getscore high marks for their final examinations and try to gethigherenhance their competitiveness atpositions from final examinations. They think it might bewoulden able them to get good jobs for them . -------------Try to avoid repetition of the same idea many times. You capitalize on the argument that college and uni helps you increase your credentials and thereby improve your competitiveness in the job market. It is true. But, paper qualifications alone would not make you a successful person, both in life and career. There are other important aspects too, such as opportunities for networking with other, socializing etc., that help people accomplish their aspirations

Writing Feedback / IELTS exam: Should children play or study? [6]

Education, like air, food and shelter is really essential to every individual. ---------I have a small problem about treating education as something like air, food and shelter. Air, food and shelter are essentials without which we cannot live and survive. But education is not necessary for one to live. However, without any doubt it is essential for one to be successful in life.

Basically, goingsending children to school should be thea top priority of every parentsfor their children .

When a kid goes to a playground, he meets other kids with the samesimilar interests and that startsis the beginning of a new relationship called friendship whereinaswhen in school, he only calls his peers as "classmates".------------This sentence is too long. Better you split it to two.

InFrom every perspective, I think that " friends" are better than the latter"class mates".

Writing Feedback / IELTS - Several languages are in danger of extinction [3]

Some people, therefore, harbour a view saying that governments should preserve those by spending allocating some budgets to on efforts to protect them.

First and foremost, it is easy to realize that languages, especially oral languages , are a quite major part of culture of a country.--- good point

It helps people distinguish themselves from otherbetweennations and even regionscommunitiesin a country .

The clearance of minority of language means that a national traditional, customs and habitants do not exist. -----------I get your point. But, prefer if you improve its clarity;

Extinction of minority languages would cause non existance of traditions,customes and habitants of minority communities.

Governments should spend money on keeping and preserving these things for theto support for a rich cultural diversity of cultures which makes our world more interesting. What is more,Moreover , it is a pride of thefor a country withto have a ran ge of cultures which is easy to educate people to love their country moreadd value to its nation and encourage its people to respect co-existance.

You have very good points. GOOD LUCK with IELTS!!