Writing Feedback / Community that I belong - "The lab" [6]

Everyone belongs to many different communities and/or groups defined by (among other things) shared geography, religion, ethnicity, income, cuisine, interest, race, ideology, or intellectual heritage. Choose one of the communities to which you belong, and describe that community and your place within it.

An interesting place in our school was "the lab," a shadow community without a defined name or purpose. Every day, behind the closed door, students gathered in this computer lab to play videogames, vanquishing evils on the big screen monitors. In nature, "the lab" was a social gathering, a place no different than the lunchroom; however, this was a special place where jocks, techies, and skaters alike all crowded around to watch a YouTube video, a forum filled with discussions that let us shed the black-and-white image we exuded outside.

Throughout the year, the lab and its members had given me a sense of belonging, constantly being encouraging and supportive. Realizing the tremendous impact the lad had on me, I wondered about my role in this small community. In fact, did anyone had a role? After much contemplation, I realized that the lab did not exactly fit into the mold of a traditional community, thus its members still had their own distinctive roles, one not defined by any official titles or positions. In here, no one was the "charismatic team captain," but a person became a hero by simply bringing an extra controller. Throughout my school years, I have been in multiple leadership positions, but those positions were never deemed to be superior to "the girl who brought soda on Tuesday" or "the last required game player." Although I couldn't proclaimed to have made any significant impact or lifelong friends, I knew that my small role had helped contribute to the awesome experiences in the lab. It was these interactions that prompted the casual "What's up" when we passed each others in the hallway, even after the lab no longer existed. (281 words)

Trying to cut down some words and improved the flow. Any suggestion would be greatly appreciated.

Critique me, and I'll return the favor. Thanks for reading!

Writing Feedback / Expressing my inner world through Photoshop [5]

People find many ways to express their inner world. Some write novels; others paint, perform, or debate; still others design elegant solutions to complex mathematical problems. How do you express your inner world, and how does the world around you respond?

Dabbling with Photoshop, I feel like a young child dipping his fingers capriciously into buckets of paint. Using Photoshop, my eyes are ocean blue, and my hair dye a fiery red; I can be anything. Looking at my modified self, I decide that such changes remained fantasies for good reasons; my mom is right. On bad days, physical modifications helps me relieve stress. On good days, I prefer to engage in more complex projects. Once, I created a "Moby Dick: The Movie" poster for English class. Though far from perfect, the poster was a work among the few that I was confident in. Not only did the poster gives me joy in the process, it also showcase my inner creativity to my teacher, who must have had to grade many "stick figures" posters already.

With Photoshop, I can translate myself into a visual representation showcasing my talents, oddities, or even idiocy, aspects that are not transparent because of my quiet exterior. I love the endless possibilities that lie within Photoshop; every turns and tweaks will result in something new, something unexpected. Above all, I love the sweet savor from watching others' shocked reactions when they see a picture of me fire breathing or doing unbelievably outrageous things. Once a thought, an idea, or a dream become materialize in some form of expression, I believe I can do anything. The images I create represent myself, a ticking time bomb waiting for the right moments to burst and perhaps transform those fantasies into reality.

Any comments will be much appreciate. Thanks

Critique mine, and I'll return the favor. You know I do :P

Undergraduate / A person of impact - My conductor [8]

Write an essay in which you tell us about someone who has made an impact on your life and explain how and why this person is important to you.

Walking to school, I bob my head to the upbeat rhythm of pop rock, feeling motivated to start my day. In band, no longer the casual listener from this morning, I push my embouchure to the limit as we reach the climax of a majestic Sousa march. Throughout the day, I listen to various genre of music while doing chores and homework. At night, smooth jazz entices me into slumber. Music has become such a big part in my life, the source of my individual expressions and motivations. However, during my childhood and teenage years, I have always hated music. Whether it was the piano or the flute, I never truly enjoy playing. Aside from short-lived inspirations, I was in band for the wrong reason: to prove that I was no quitter.

"Once your instrument leaves its ready position and hit your laps, your brain shut off. Keep them up, people!" Mr. JKL bellow. With the simple advice, the band regains focus and begins to harmonize. The above advice is only one among Mr. JKL's gamut of tenets. Our director firmly believes that music, like math and science, requires active critical thinking. Every day, he reminds us that a good musician follows the score but we can be better musicians by following the conductor and anticipating the music. He also teaches us to put a thought behind every breath we take and every sound we make. "Internalize the beat and the pitch, people! Be thinking of the sound you want to create; otherwise, it'll never become music, just noise."

Most musicians are inspired by famous musicians such as Louis Armstrong or Jimi Hendrix; I am inspired by my conductor. Under Mr. JKL's direction, I have become a better musician in technical skills; however, the true reason he is an inspiration to me is that he had taught me to not conform to mediocrity. "Music," he said, "is not a place to be average." Through his undeterred beliefs, I realized that Mr. JKL approaches music with seriousness and passion; at the same time, I felt ashamed of my capricious approach. Once I changed my attitude, I started to notice the trumpets' majestic fanfares and the French horns' mellow timbre; I marveled at the intricate weavings of melodies and harmonies, beginning to gain an appreciation for the works of composers and conductors. For the first time, I truly love playing music. That summer, I took the initiative to learn the saxophone and enrolled in jazz band in addition to playing the flute in concert band. Because of work, my family had to move. Although I am no longer in Mr. JKL's "Spartan" class, I carried his tenets within as I try to adapt to a new band, committed to play with the same dedication and passion he had taught me. (468 words)

I feel a little iffy about the conclusion; it just seem to be a little too awkwardly phrase. Any suggestions?

I'm primarily looking for help regarding content and overall structures, but any comments are welcome and appreciated. Thanks :)

Undergraduate / "DREAM Act; reach a logical stance" - CommonApp Issues of importance [5]

Discuss some issue of personal, local, national, or international concern and its importance to you.

My father would always remind me that all of mankind's achievements began with a simple observation. When I was young, his words were a childish reminder, chiding me when I tripped and fell. However, after we arrived in America, I began to understand the full extent of my father's words. Back home, my world was diverse. My life collided with many people's lives, and their news became my news In America, the only people in my world were mom and my brother. To compensate, I've learned to observe both the inside and the outside of my personal bubble.

Once I began to extend my observations, I became more aware of new legislation and national issues, especially those related to immigration. One such issue is the DREAM Act, a proposed legislation that will greatly impact immigrant youth like me. Whether immigrant children came here legally or illegally, we are still children whose lives changed drastically because of our parent's decisions. Already culturally assimilated, illegal immigrant children face being deported "home", being foreign to the land and the language. To further complicate the debate, these children shall also tackle an identity crisis amidst an already confusing time of their life. Thus, the DREAM Act proposes they earn the rights to remain in the U.S. through two years of college education or military service. While I can empathize with the plight of illegal immigrant children, I oppose the DREAM Act.

Escaping social and political turmoil, immigrants arrive in America seeking freedom and opportunity. America became the most ideal country, attracting waves of immigrants, because of her superior society that emphasize and value civil freedom and rights. To preserve this society, the law must be diligently enforced. Many believe that America should pardon illegal immigrants simply because America is known to be the "melting pot," founded on immigration. While the combination of multiple spices and ingredients provides a dish's its layers and depths, we must follow a recipe to prevent chaos. In 1986, the U.S. had granted amnesty to all illegal immigrants. However, failure to strictly enforce the law on illegal immigrants arriving after 1986 had led the U.S. into a deeper immigration problem, one with conflicting social, economical, and political aspects. Yes, it's true that the older generation did not have to produce "papers," but they were not also entitled to social programs such as public education that give every child an education.

Even though I oppose the DREAM Act, I still believe in second chances for illegal immigrant youth; rather, I oppose the implementation of the bill amidst the time of economic downfall and immigration chaos. Much like the 1986 amnesty, the DREAM Act is short term solution that doesn't help reform immigration policy in the long run. Other prevention measure must be effectively implemented first.

To reach a logical stance, I approached this issue observing both the inside and the outside of my personal bubble. Inside, my immigrant background entices me to support the DREAM Act. Outside, I saw great disadvantages in it. In dealing with issues littered with conflicting social, economical, and political, both the lawmakers and their constituents must approach the problems free from emotional stigmas and fictitious statements. Millions of young lives will be affected, and the only decision that will suffice is one coming from nothing less of just and logic. (554 words)

All comments are welcome, especially those concerning content and structure. Thanks :D

Undergraduate / Pit Orchestra - CommonApp Extracurricular Prompt [2]

Please briefly elaborate on one of your extracurricular activities or work experiences

With intense concentration, I lunged forward, my adrenaline rushed along the lively tempo. A sense of accomplishment swept over me as I pushed my embouchure to the limit, alternating between the lowest and highest range through sections of treacherous key signatures. Suddenly, we decrescendo into silence. Enjoying the low brass's warm timbre, I reminisced of the past eight weeks.

Pit orchestra scores are never re-arranged to conform to mediocrity. Every day, I came to practice, determined to overcome the challenges that Broadway musicians have also faced. Pit orchestra has helped to foster me into a solid and more confident musician. The valuable experience not only introduces me to a new area of music but also has taught me that music, like people, has limitless possibilities. My inner world is expresses by music. As my playing improve, I must also improve myself, so that my music shall expresses my feelings and character. (151 words)

Every comments and criticism welcome, especially those concerning structures and grammar. Thanks! :D