Writing Feedback / 'the class passed in silence' - Intro to a short romantic story [2]

Okay here is my intro to a short romantic story i am writing. Let me know what you guys think of it.

"Well what are you doing for Valentines then?" The loud-mouthed question, an exclamation almost, caused her to snap out of her dreamy eyed gaze and look across at him. The look wasn't accompanied by words however, and the boy, clearly determined, persisted with an even louder "Well, valentines?" It wasn't so much the urgency of his query, as it was the boring drone of the professor's voice that prompted his frenetic questions. He needed release, an outlet for his ever wandering mind, and the girl sitting beside him seemed to provide the perfect medium for that. Of course, the fact that she was pretty helped as well. The girl, having now had enough time to process the questions being flung her way, replied with a quiet "Nothing" before looking away. Now most other guys would take such a cursory response as a sign of disinterest, and be discouraged from making any further conversation. Fortunately though, he wasn't like most other guys; the nugatory response only served to further pique his interest in her. "Nothing" he bellowed, "Really?" The girl turned back to look at him, this time slightly amused by his overzealous manner. "Yeah, nothing" she replied again, before hastily turning to face the front again. An awkward silence ensued, in which the boy contemplated the scenario at hand. She had been quite non-expressive and emotionless with her responses, but he couldn't help feel as though there was some sadness hidden behind the stoicism. He glanced back at her; yeah, there was just something in those eyes that betrayed a deep melancholy. Having always been a gentleman, he wondered whether he should ask her out for Valentines. That would be the perfect tonic for cheering her up, he thought. He turned to face her again, and was just about mouth his proposal when the girl beat him to it. "So what are you doing for Valentines?" she asked, finally betraying the interest that he had naturally sparked in her. The boy, however, was quite taken aback at the question. He had initially wanted to reply with a cheeky "Hopefully, you", but decided against that now; it would probably sound quite crude and creepy. Actually, now that he had had a little more time to mull over it, he was beginning to rethink his decision to ask her out. He had, in fact, asked two girls out already; a third would just make him seem like a womanizing jerk. And he was anything but that. So, exercising his restraint, he answered with a tentative "Ummm, I'm not really sure." When the expectant look on her face lingered, he slowly added "Hopefully I'll spend it with someone special... He paused midsentence because at that instant, their eyes fully met for the first time. Oblivious to all around them, they stared at each other, alone in space with the world lost behind them. It had begun. They had begun. Although no words were spoken, it seemed as though sparks flew between them, inextinguishable and untamed, joining the two as one. Neither could explain it, but they didn't want to either; the magic of the moment left no room for reasoning or logic. The boy and the girl continued holding each other's gaze, unwilling and unable to stop. After what seemed like an eternity, the professor's high pitched yells pleas of "Attention" snapped them out of their reverie. The lecture had almost come to its conclusion, and the students were due to leave soon. They looked away together, still confused as to what had just happened. The rest of the class passed in silence.

Undergraduate / 'the liberty to write a novel' - Oberlin Supplement [5]

I am a self proclaimed eccentric. Thus, it seems only fitting that my college be as "crazy" as I am. Now Oberlin fits this bill perfectly; I don't think I have ever come across an institution that is so deeply in love with its albino squirrels, or so fanatically obsessed with its womb chairs. And, to add to its quirkiness, Oberlin's environment is truly an epitome of liberal utopia - A wonderland where I would be free to voice any opinions, and sing my favorite Justin Beiber songs without any fear of being judged or disparaged.

Oberlin's novelty doesn't just end with its liberal student body and faculty; it pervades every facet of life at the college, including the academics offered. I mean what other place allows any undergraduate student with a decent idea to create and teach their own course? I'm certain that only Oberlin can be "cool" enough to undertake as wonderfully unique an initiative as the Exco classes. Teaching has always come naturally to me, whether it had been tutoring my brother's class before finals, or enlightening my friends as to the implications of the financial crisis on our beloved Manchester United's fortunes. Thus, I find the prospect of being able to lead a bunch of intellectually diverse Obies into the realms of my very own esoteric interests particularly enticing. I just hope that the Committee will approve of the Exco class I have in mind, a study into modern dating science (come on now, we all want to unravel the tantalizing mysteries of the female mind).

Oberlin's tunes strike a deep chord with me, both literally and figuratively. To begin with, I confess that I have a notoriously eclectic nature; from soccer and game theory, to cognitive dissonance and community service, I am deeply in love with the most varied of pursuits. Having always prided myself on being a very faithful lover, I just can't see myself being cruel enough to give up on any single one of my interests in college. Such a scenario would have presented me with quite a dilemma had it not been for the divine intervention of my womb-chair wielding savior. I have been stalking the Oberlin Blogs for over a year now, and still find it truly remarkable to come across the tales of so many Obies who managed to stay true to all of their passions, and indulge in them fully throughout college. Oberlin is clearly the kind of place where my side-dreams won't get crushed under a stack of books, and where I can receive all the encouragement and mentorship I need to pursue the wildest of my fancies. And to top it all off, the performances at the Conservatory will mean that I won't have to stay up till three in the morning any longer to catch rerun's of Chopin's Nocturnes (yes, my musical tastes are equally diverse) on VH1 Classic.

I think you guys would have to give me the liberty to write a novel (I wouldn't put it past you) if I were to go into all of my reasons for choosing Oberlin. I could tell you about my entrepreneurial ambitions, and how Oberlin's Creativity and Leadership project will provide an ideal platform to help me implement my ideas and fashion them into reality. Or I could chatter away about my plans to continue community service at Oberlin with the Bonner Center's CBL courses. However, I do not want to wear your patience thin just yet, and am thus going to conclude with a very honest confession. It's true that I don't consider Oberlin's academics to be the best in the country, and nor do I believe its economics program (my preferred major) to be the most comprehensive. However, I am a man who has always had the bigger picture in mind, and am certain that I will be the happiest at Oberlin. The place absolutely reeks of all the values and qualities that I hold so dearly myself- a quirky and fun approach to work, an ultra liberal acceptance and appreciation for all opinions, and an adamant resolution to effect change through innovation and creativity. Oberlin feels "just right" for me and I would like nothing better than to spend the next four years of my life there.

THANKS A LOT

Undergraduate / 'I will go with my stubbornness' - Upenn Intoduce Yourself [9]

Upenn: Best thing about yourself?
Junaid: I think I will go with my stubbornness.
Upenn: Worst thing?
Junaid: My sleeping habits definitely. And maybe also my inability to say "no" to others.
Upenn: Future ambitions?
Junaid: I am much more of a "present" person and don't want to create imaginary borders for myself. Heck, I even believe that I might land on the moon someday.

Upenn: Most intellectually enlightening moment?
Junaid: When I realized I could get dates by using the diminishing returns theory.
Upenn: Most passionate about?
Junaid: Everything I do really. If I do it, you can bet that I love it.
Upenn: Your favorite activity?
Junaid: Community service...Oh and smiling.
Upenn: Anyone you could switch lives with?
Junaid: I really like my life way too much to want to trade places with anyone.
Upenn: What matters most?
Junaid: Well I think just being happy matters the most. It's certainly what I strive for everyday and in everything I do.

I like it mostly; but i absolutely hate the last answer....i only had like 5 mins left and it's sooo cliche
THANKS for looking and i will return the favor

Undergraduate / 'to be around students who really know how to get down and party' - "why Upenn"? [5]

I had come to the middle of Locust Walk. Taking great care not to step over the tiled compass (yes, I am very superstitious), I made my way over to the benches and plopped myself down on one of the seats. Wow. What a first week it had been here at Upenn. Overwhelmed, I pulled out the brochures and contemplated my choices. I confess that I have a notoriously capricious nature. While my one true love has always been economics, and I have stayed faithful to it over the years, I cannot say the same for the others. I have been guilty of enjoying numerous affairs with the likes of physics and chemistry. And who is to say that I won't have many more in college? Upenn's interdisciplinary programs and academic flexibility would certainly see to it that I did. In fact, the College of Arts and Sciences practically insists that its students follow their passions by allowing us to enroll at any of the four undergraduate schools and create our own individualized majors. I could even apply for a coordinated dual-degree at the end of my freshmen year (and seeing as I am such a nerd, I probably will). With that happy thought in mind, I merrily ticked out many of the boxes on the form, enrolling for classes at the CAS, Wharton and the SEAS, and imagining what an awful boyfriend I would make.

A large poster caught my eye as I resumed my saunter down the Walk. Emblazoned on it were the words "Undergraduate Research Fair". A wide grin spreading across my face, I fumbled out a pen from my bag. Yes, I love to research. Whether it was calculating the opportunity cost to families who chose not to send their kids to school, or analyzing the financial implications of the latest soccer transfers, I have always found research to grant more insight than textbooks ever could. Well, I guess I have made a smart choice in coming to Upenn then. It is undoubtedly at the zenith of research universities in the nation. Why, just the other day, the CAS' Penn Institute of Economic Research had accepted my application and guaranteed me full support with my work. With research grants and expert mentorship so readily available here at Upenn, I have no doubt that I will get all the assistance to embark upon my research of the socio-economic implications of community service, a project that I have been designing since junior year. Having put my name up for the research fair, I carried on down the Walk, fantasizing of the day when Professor Villavedre would high-five me as he awarded me with the Kuznets Fellowship and a publication of my research in the UES journal.

"Kids, this is the Button." I snapped out of my reverie to see a fellow Quaker surrounded by a group of local secondary schoolers. As I watched him shuffle the kids around, evidently supervising a field trip, I couldn't help but marvel at the very impressive job that Upenn had done in integrating itself into the Philadelphia community. Having spent the past two years trying to increase my school's community service club's involvement with the underprivileged, I have no doubt that Upenn is the place to be if I want to further my understanding of effective community service and public policy. I picked up the brochure again and filled in my application to the Penn Civic Scholars program; these are perfect for integrating my passions of research and community service, and giving me the opportunity to apply the theories learned in the classroom to solve real-life community problems. I can even enroll in the CAS' ABCS courses and earn course credit while gaining on-field experience. I walked over to help the student-guide, hoping that my rudimentary experience of community work and expertise at Jim Carrey impressions would enable me to reciprocate, and benefit Upenn in return.

Nearing my dorm in the quad, I came across a large placard. It had students' scribbles all over it and bore the words "Why Upenn?" The question had been posed to me so many times over the past two years that it seemed like an old acquaintance now. My answer to it, however, has always been the same. I have come to Upenn because I wanted to. I wanted to have classes at college that take me back to the Model UN conferences from school, with the students really from all over the globe this time. I wanted to be just a bus ride away from Van Gogh's paintings and (add something here). And last but not the least, I wanted to be around students who really know how to get down and party. So where else could I have gone other than Upenn?

Okay guys this my Upenn supplement. Do you think the fact that i already envision myself there is weird??
Please help me critique it....Thanks a lot and i would be happy to look over your essays as well.

Undergraduate / 'save the poor and change the world' Commonapp E.C.A [2]

Okay, so i wrote two drafts on the essay-

1)As a young boy, I had always wanted to save the poor and change the world. Although much older now, I am thankfully none the wiser, and have thus jointly initiated a youth movement and immersed myself in community development projects over the past two years. My work with the movement has ranged from organizing UNIC scholarships for underprivileged school children, to leading open discussions in the slums to raise awareness as to the merits of an education. However, I feel as though my service has actually benefited me more than the community. Years ago, I could never envision myself supervising a hundred or so rallying volunteers, or being able to communicate so freely with refugees whose language I barely even knew, and convincing them to send their kids to school. My work has also broadened my perceptions, and made me accept and embrace the fact that there will always be opinions that differ from my own. Community service has truly been the most rewarding experience of my life.

2)"You have to send him to school." The father stared at me, his vacuous expression belying his inner turmoil. "Please" I persisted, "it will be so much better if he goes." After an eternity of silence and contemplation, he finally nodded his head and signed up his son's name in my register.

As a young boy, I had always wanted to change the world. Although much older now, I am thankfully none the wiser, and have thus jointly initiated a youth movement and immersed myself in community development projects. My work over the past two years ranged from organizing UNIC scholarships for underprivileged school children, to convincing low-income families to send their kids to school. However, I feel as though my service has actually benefited me more than the community. Years ago, I could never envision myself supervising a hundred or so volunteers, or communicating so freely with refugees whose language I barely even knew. Community service has truly been the most rewarding experience of my life.

SO WHICH ONE DO YOU GUYS THINK IS BETTER??? I will be happy to look over your work as well...Thanks a lot

Undergraduate / Any costume i like---Brandeis Supplement [7]

Okay guys, this is my Brandeis supplement...The prompt is: Imagine You Are To Wear A Costume For An Entire Year

I have a compulsive need to make people laugh. Therefore, if I were to dress in any costume, the most logical choice would be that of a clown's. Now I say "logical" because, sadly, I have a massive phobia of clowns; I can't even approach one with my request for a balloon animal, let alone dress up as one. Well, with my dreams of being a clown and spreading laughter shattered, I guess I will devote my time to vanquishing evil then. And who better to do that as than Batman? I can picture myself now, perched on the rooftops of Gotham City and looking incredibly awesome with my cape fluttering behind me in the wind. The Batsuit and I would really be a match made in heaven if I could just keep myself from casting my mind back to how hot it would get inside this latex-bound prison. I am pretty sure I would spend less time fighting crime and more of it fighting back the urge to scratch myself.

Having contemplated a plethora of choices, ranging from Winnie the Pooh to Barbie, I have come to the realization that, at the moment, I just cannot decide upon any one costume. The problem, I now understand, isn't inherent in any of the costumes themselves; I am simply unable to envision a future where I have to don the same outfit day in, day out. Although many would dismiss it as evidence of my capricious nature, I consider it a blessing that I haven't ever warmed to the idea of confining myself to just one pursuit, and thereby allowed myself to miss out upon the amazing path of self-discovery that I am now treading. As clichéd as it may sound, I love to wake up every morning knowing that I might learn something new about myself, revel in a passion that had been hitherto unknown. Of course, it could be all that, or just the fact that I am a huge claustrophobe.

I was just having fun in the first paragraph but i hope that the second paragraph shows a bit of introspection and insight into my character....Do you guys think it's too frivolous or does my message come across well enough in the end??? I would appreciate any help and i wud be happy to look over your work...THANKS A LOT

Undergraduate / "I just don't like you," she scoffed and turned back to face the board. [13]

Okay, this is my Amherst supplement...The prompt is:
1. "Rigorous reasoning is crucial in mathematics, and insight plays an important secondary role these days. In the natural sciences, I would say that the order of these two virtues is reversed. Rigor is, of course, very important. But the most important value is insight--insight into the workings of the world. It may be because there is another guarantor of correctness in the sciences, namely, the empirical evidence from observation and experiments."

Kannan Jagannathan, Professor of Physics, Amherst College

"I just don't like you," she scoffed and turned back to face the board. I simply stood there, the vacuous expression on my face belying the inner turmoil raging inside of me. How could my reasoning have been flawed? Hadn't Newton himself claimed that all bodies having mass are naturally attracted to each other? How was it, then, that the female body of mass in front of me had been more repulsed, than attracted, to me, a fellow body of mass? Eventually, I was forced to conclude that Newton, busy as he had been musing over the ways of the universe, hadn't ever bothered to experiment his hypothesis on girls and was thus woefully unaware of its glaring flaw. The insight I had just been given into the cruel workings of the world certainly seemed to suggest that things aren't quite as rosy as Newton had imagined them to be.

Ever since that first failed experiment, I have carried out numerous others (and failed equally badly at them), and have thus come to appreciate the predominant role that insight plays in the sciences. As I have had the misfortune to learn, even when reasoning seems to point stoutly towards one direction, insight might reveal the answer to lie along a completely different one. For instance, I recall being appalled once upon discovering that the straight twig that had been floating down the stream was, in fact, considerably bent. Fearing for my eyesight, I was immensely relieved upon learning that the strange phenomenon I had witnessed was a result of the refraction of light underwater.

Wherever the sciences are concerned, reasoning without insight is tantamount to playing a game of golf with blinds on. And strangely, it is this very aspect of the sciences that leaves me so enthralled; I cannot help but marvel at a world where our minds can so easily deceive/bamboozle us whenever we commit the indiscretion of arming them with insufficient knowledge. Determined never to be duped again, I have made it my life's purpose to gain as much insight as I can into the workings of the enigma that is our world.

What do you guys think?? I chose to answer only the sciences bit of the supplement because that's what i am most interested in and i don't feel as though there is any strict requirement specifying what the essay has to be on. Also, i couldn't decide as to whether DECEIVE or BAMBOOZLE was a better word to put there, so i would really appreciate any suggestions as to this...Finally, do u guys think seeing a twig in a stream, and reasoning from the visonary input that it's straight, can be called an adequate case of false reasoning?? Or is it just a case where my eyes have deceived me and thus cannot be considered as reasoning??? THANKS A LOT FOR ANY HELP AND I WUD BE HAPPY TO LOOK OVER YOUR ESSAYS...